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Archive for June, 2007


Written by Ira Ungerlieder.
Transcribed by Josh Hodge.
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.


[The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night. Joey is anxiously in the lead.]

RACH: Joey, would you slow down? They’re not gonna be sold out of papers at one o’clock in the morning.

JOEY: I’m excited! I’ve never gotten reviewed before.

MNCA: You were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was.

PHOE: Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your… royal subject.

JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [reading from newspaper] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani’s disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.

CHAN: OK, look, that is one guy’s opinion, alright. Phoebs, read yours.

PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction…

CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours.

ROSS: I don’t want to.

RACH: Joey, honey, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: Maybe they do. I’ve been doin’ this ten years and I haven’t gotten anywhere. There’s gotta be a reason.

ROSS: Oh c’mon. Maybe you’re just, uhhh… paying your dues.

JOEY: No, no, no, it.. it’s too hard. It’s not worth it. I quit.

MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from paper] In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant new levels of… continued on page 153…[turns it] sucking.

Credits

[Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel’s apartment.]

JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.

[Ross enters, depressed.]

ROSS: [sullenly] Hiiiiii.

PHOE: Are… are you OK?

ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th–Fun Bobby’s jacket! Where is he, what. He, he’s here, isn’t he?

MNCA: Maybe.

ROSS: Don’t toy with me.

[Fun Bobby (FBOB) enters from Monica’s bedroom.]

FBOB: Geller!

ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby!

FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you’ve been working out, huh?

ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you’re back with my sister!

MNCA: You and me both.

FBOB: Hey, so what’d I miss, what’d I miss, c’mon?

PHOE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better.

FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick you up?

JOEY: No, I’m alright man. Really.

FBOB: No, I’m picking you up.

JOEY: Hey no, seriously, I don’t need you to pick me… [Fun Bobby picks Joey up off the ground, bounces him. Joey laughs.] Alright! It still works.

FBOB: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? [everyone raises their hands] I’m still gonna go.

MNCA: OK, I’ll see you later babe.

FBOB: Uh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes. [kisses Monica]

[Chandler and Joey are watching, Rachel turns their heads away from Monica.]

FBOB: See ya. [exits]

ALL: Bye! See you later!

PHOE: Fun Bobby is so great.

MNCA: Oh, isn’t he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I’ve been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full.

PHOE: Half full of looooovvvvve.

MNCA: And for our two-week anniversary, he’s gonna take me to his cousin’s cabin for the weekend.

PHOE: Cabin of loooooovvvvve.

RACH: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. [walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles]

MNCA: Really? I only had two glasses.

JOEY: I just had a glass.

PHOE: Two.

RACH: I had one glass.

CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely ‘I got boned at the Museum of Natural History’ mug.

RACH: OK, so that’s… that’s what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five?

[All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.]

ROSS: Oooooh.

JOEY: [realizing what everyone else did a minute ago] Ooooooh.

MNCA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.

ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Fun Bobby without a… a drink in his hand.

PHOE: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, ‘I was soooo wasted,’ or, ‘Oh, we were soooo bombed,’ or, ummm, ooh, ooh, ‘So I wake up, and I’m in this dumpster in Connecticut.’

JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn’t drinking?

MNCA: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or… or to a club, or to the… zoo.

[Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk Rachel is serving them. She brings a mug to Monica.]

MNCA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk?

RACH: Ehhhummmm, I don’t know, why don’t you taste it.

MNCA: [takes a sip] Mmmm, no.

RACH: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some.

FBOB: [pulls out a flask] Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?

[Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable.]

PHOE: Um, cake.

RACH: Yeah, we’re gonna… we’re gonna get some cake. [Phoebe and Rachel go to counter.]

MNCA: You know what? It seems like you’ve been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.

FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.

MNCA: Bobby.

FBOB: Yeah, OK.

MNCA: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don’t know… but, uh, I’m kind of worried about you.

FBOB: OK, look, this isn’t the first time somebody’s said something to me about this, but, I don’t know… I always made excuses about it, like… uhhh… ‘I’m just a social drinker,’ or, ‘C’mon, it’s Flag Day.’

MNCA: So, what are you saying now?

FBOB: I guess I’m saying, I’ll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me. [they hug]

PHOE: [comes back to couch, with cake] Sooo, what’s goin’ on, huh?

FBOB: I am gonna try and quit drinking.

PHOE: [sad] Ooohh, why?

[Chandler and Joey enter.]

CHAN: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

MNCA: Hey.

PHOE: Hey.

CHAN: Guess who’s back in show business.

PHOE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?

CHAN: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause he’s dead.

PHOE: Oh, no.

CHAN: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but… Joey, that’s who.

JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!

PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.

CHAN: Hey, yeah… we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.

PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We’re all gonna do something tonight.

RACH: Ummmm…. well, actually I’m already done, but I…I kinda got plans.

MNCA: [gasps] You have other friends?

RACH: Yeah… I, uhh… I have a… I have a date.

MNCA: What?

JOEY: With a man?

RACH: What? What is so strange about me having a date?

JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you?

RACH: Noooo, no, I’m not mad at him. I’m.. I’m not really anything at him anymore.

MNCA: What are you talking about?

RACH: I don’t know. Whatever I was feeling, I’m… not.

PHOE: But you guys came so close.

RACH: Oh, I know, I’m sorry you guys. You’re just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.

[Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross, except for his chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).]

RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.

RUSS: [sounding like Ross] Hhhhiiiii.

[Everyone looks at each other in amazement.]

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Estelle (ESTL) is speaking on the phone.]

ESTL: Stop saying you’re not talented, you’re very talented. It’s just with the bird dead and all, there’s very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? [a knock on the door] Oooh, ooh, I’ll talk to you later.

[Joey enters.]

ESTL: Well, there’s my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition?

JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday.

ESTL: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic?

JOEY: No.

ESTL: Well, here it is. [She almost smiles.]

JOEY: OK, uh…. listen, there’s something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady…

ESTL: Oh, isn’t Lori a doll?

JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah, she’s great, but… I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of… coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would’ve… you know… if I would have sent the Little General in.

ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I’m just gonna put in a call here and we’ll find out what’s goin’ on and straighten it out. [picks up the phone] Yeah, hi, Lori please. [pause] Hi darling. So how ’bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn’t he terrific? [pause] Uh-huuuuh. [pause] Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up] [to Joey] Yeah, you’re gonna have to sleep with her.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.]

RACH: What’s the matter?

MNCA: It’s Fun Bobby.

RACH: What, isn’t he sober?

MNCA: Oh, he’s sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.

RACH: Ohhh, OK.

[Monica returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.]

MNCA: Alright, here you go, sweetie. [hands Fun Bobby his coffee]

FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny?

MNCA: Oh God, yes!

FBOB: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

PHOE: That is funny.

FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I’m out walkin’ around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

MNCA: Ahhh, hey honey? Don’t you have to be at your interview now?

FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. [leaves]

CHAN: Bye….. ridiculously dull Bobby.

MNCA: Oh…. my… God.

PHOE: It’s not that bad.

MNCA: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer story?

PHOE: OK, OK, don’t get all squinky.

RACH: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there.

MNCA: But I’m gonna be there… for the rest of my life. I mean, I can’t break up with him. I’m the one who made him quit drinking. He’s dull because of me.

PHOE: Alright, don’t say that. He’s probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.

[Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.]

RUSS: Hi.

CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross…. bahhhh!

RACH: Hi Russ, I’ve just got two more tables to clean and then we’ll go, OK?

RUSS: OK, I’ll just sit here and… uh… chat with your, uh…. friend-type….people.

[Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.]

PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi.

RACH: Hi.

PHOE: OK, so, you know what you’re doing, right?

RACH: Uhh…. waitressing?

PHOE: Well, yeah, but… no. I mean, umm… doesn’t…. doesn’t Russ just remind you of someone?

RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget?

PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh.

[Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Ross enters.]

PHOE: Oh, my, oh!

ROSS: What? What’s wrong?

PHOE: I, OK….

MNCA: She’s just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.

ROSS: Alright.

CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.

RUSS: Hi.

ROSS: Hi.

RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel’s?

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel’s?

RUSS: Actually, I’m a… kind of a…. you know, a… date-type… thing… of Rachel’s.

ROSS: A date.

RUSS: Yeah, I’m her date.

ROSS: Oh, oh, you’re… uh… you’re, oh you’re the date.

CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.

RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh… paleontologist.

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a….

RUSS: Periodontist.

MNCA: See? They’re as different as night and… later that night.

ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh… get a beverage. It was nice, nice… uh… meeting you.

RUSS: Ditto.

[ROss approaches Rachel at counter.]

ROSS: I, uh, well… I… I met Russ.

RACH: Oh.

ROSS: Hey, I didn’t know we were, uh, seeing other people.

RACH: Well, we’re not seeing each other, so….

ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there’s a woman at the museum, who’s curator of moths and other… uh… winged things… who’s, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a… well, you know. But so far I’ve been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal…

RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal.

ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.

RACH: Um, Russ, you ready?

RUSS: Yeah.

RACH: Bye.

MNCA: Bye.

PHOE: Bye.

[Russ and Rachel leave together.]

ROSS: [upset] She’s dating. She’s dating.

CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?

ROSS: What do you mean?

MNCA: Do you not see it?

ROSS: See what? I don’t know what she sees in… innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like… like… I don’t know, uhh… uhhh, hello…. a… week, to get out a sentence.

CHAN: Yeah, it’s annoying, isn’t it?

ROSS: ………………..Yeah.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.]

CHAN: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I’m guessing you didn’t get the part, or… uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.

JOEY: Well, the part’s mine if I want it.

CHAN: Oh my God!

JOEY: Yeah, if I’m willing to sleep with the casting lady.

CHAN: [not knowing how to react] Oh my… God?

JOEY: Ten years I’ve been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That’s actually on television.

CHAN: So, what’re you gonna do?

JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her… I mean, how could I do that?

CHAN: Well, I… I’ve got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.

JOEY: I’ve never slept with someone for a part.

CHAN: Well is she… [reaches into the cookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce]

JOEY: Sorry.

CHAN: It’s alright. Is she good-looking?

JOEY: Yeah, she’s totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I’d be buying her breakfast. [pause] You know, after having slept with her.

CHAN: Y’know, maybe this isn’t such a big deal. Y’know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y’know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you’ve got Christmas.

JOEY: I just… I just don’t think that I want it that way though, y’know? I mean, let’s say I do make it, alright? I’m always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y’know, the Little General.

CHAN: Didn’t you used to call it the Little Major?

JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

[Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.]

WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar?

MNCA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun Bobby, changes her mind] No, no thank you.

FBOB: If… if you want to drink, it’s OK with me, I’ve got to get used to it.

MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn’t feel right about it. [to waiter] Just some water.

FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator…

MNCA: [grabs waiter as he’s leaving] I’d like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.]

CHAN: Hey, we’re having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK… eleven letters, atomic element number 101… ends in ium.

RUSS: Dysprosium.

ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.

CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues.

[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.]

PHOE: You don’t see it? You actually don’t see it?

RACH: What?

PHOE: OK honey, you’re dating Ross.

RACH: No, Phoebs. I’m dating Russ.

PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ… Ross!

RACH: Steve… sleeve!

PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve.

RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I’m sorry, I do not see what you’re seeing.

[They look over at Russ and Ross.]

ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it’s a card sharp, not a card shark.

RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try… but you would not be successful.

CHAN: OK, I’m gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.

RUSS: I know what your problem is.

ROSS: Oh you do, do you?

RUSS: Um-hum, you’re jealous.

ROSS: Of… of what?

RUSS: You’re jealous because I’m a real doctor.

ROSS: Hey, you’re a doctor of gums. That’s the smallest body part you can major in. It’s like day one, floss. Day two, here’s your diploma.

RUSS: Hey, you listen.

ROSS: No, no, let me finish.

RUSS: No, let me finish.

ROSS: No, you let me fini…

[Rachel walks up behind them.]

ROSS: Hi.

RUSS: Hi.

RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turns away]

[Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica and Rachel’s apartment.]

RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left?

CHAN: No, I don’t even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?

RACH: I don’t know. Who would I have to sleep with?

CHAN: Me.

RACH: Why would I have to sleep with you?

CHAN: It’s my game. You want the job or not?

[Monica enters from her bedroom.]

CHAN: Hey.

MNCA: Morning.

ROSS: Where ya goin’?

MNCA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?

ROSS: Ooooohhhh.

[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.]

PHOE: What’s with all the bottles of liquor?

ROSS: What’s going on, is… uh, Bobby drinking again?

MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he’s still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing.

[Three slow knocks on the door.]

RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring.

[Monica answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.]

MNCA: Hi. I’ll be ready in just a second.

FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute?

MNCA: Sure.

[They both step out into the hall.]

FBOB: This is really hard for me to say.

MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.

FBOB: Oh, no, no, it’s about you.

MNCA: What about me?

FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem.

MNCA: What these? [holding up liquor bottles] Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes.

FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK?

MNCA: Oh… shoot.

FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends.

MNCA: OK.

[They hug and kiss.]

MNCA: Take care.

FBOB: You too.

[Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.]

RACH: What happened?

MNCA: Well we… we kinda broke up.

GANG: Awwwwwwww.

[Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all exchange money.]

MNCA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want these?

CHAN: I’ll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I’m a giant.

[Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

GANG: Hey!

ROSS: How’d the callback go?

JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me.

CHAN: So what’d you do?

JOEY: Well, I couldn’t do it. I told her I didn’t want to get the part that way.

ROSS: Good for you.

JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.

PHOE: So… and?

JOEY: Soooooo… you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes!

GANG: Allright!

JOEY: Alright… I’ve got to go shower. [leaves]

[Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange money again.]

Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]

RUSS: Hi.

CHAN: Oh, hey.

PHOE: Hi.

RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.

CHAN: Yeah, I’m sorry man.

RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she’s talking about?

[Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.]

PHOE: Oh I do, it’s…. it’s Bob Saget. She hates him.

RUSS: Oh.

[Julie… Ross’s ex-girlfriend… enters.]

JULIE: Hey.

CHAN: Hey!

PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing?

JULIE: Um, oh, I don’t know. I mean, it’s definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I’m doing OK. Actually I’ve got some of his stuff that he, um….

[Russ and Julie look at each other with love in their eyes. The music builds…]

END

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Originally written by Jeffrey Astroff and Mike Sikowitz
Transcribed by Josh Hodge.
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan SIlverstein.


[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.

[Chandler and Joey enter.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?

CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don’t wanna look bad.

MONICA: Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies.

CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is.

JOEY: You gave him cookies?

MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we’re broke, but cookies do say that.

PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.

CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?

PHOEBE: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them.

ROSS: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?

RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super.

[There’s a bang at the door.]

MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.

[Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper.

JOEY: Oh my God.

RACHEL: What?

JOEY: Uhhh, I don’t think you’re gonna like this.

[Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.]

RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.

MONICA: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.

ROSS: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, ‘Gershwin musical’ actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working behind the counter.]

JOEY: I can’t believe it’s Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin’ turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin’ and you geese are a-layin’.

CHANDLER: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.

[Ross enters with several bags from shopping.]

ROSS: Hey guys.

CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.

[Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]

ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I’ll open it. It’s a Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it’s. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . .

RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?

ROSS: How ’bout from now on we just call it the ‘unfortunate incident’? [Rachel walks off] Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?

GUNTHER: Yeah.

ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches]

ROSS: Hey guys.

CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: What’s in the bag?

ROSS: Um, just some presents.

JOEY: C’mon show us what you bought. . . You know you want to.

ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.

MONICA: Cute.

ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom.

[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]

MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous!

ROSS: Yeah?

MONICA: Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom’s gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believe military academy.

[Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

GANG: Hey. Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees Ross’s picture frame] Oh my God, where did you get this?

ROSS: Uh, Macy’s, third floor, home furnishings.

PHOEBE: This is my father, this is a picture of my dad.

CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that’s the guy that comes in the frame.

PHOEBE: No it isn’t, this is my dad, alright, I’ll show you.

RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison.

PHOEBE: No, that’s my stepdad. My real dad’s the one that ran out on us before I was born.

RACHEL: How have you never been on Oprah?

PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy.

MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.

PHOEBE: It’s not a blue screen… it’s just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother. [turns to leave]

MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey.

GANG: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves]

MONICA: Wow.

JOEY: So anyway, I’m trying to get my boss’s ex-wife to sleep with me. . .

GANG: Joey!

JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone’s all ears!

[Scene: Phoebe’s grandmother’s place. Phoebe’s grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.]

GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston. [scratches out name] Gone.

[Phoebe enters.]

GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe.

PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin’?

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook.

PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?

GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see… um.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures] This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation.

PHOEBE: OK, is this really my father?

GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa–I can’t… well of course it is.

PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that’s ’cause someone’s pants are on fire.

GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . .

PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.

GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your father, that’s just a picture of a guy in a frame.

PHOEBE: Oh God.

GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother’s idea. Ya know, she didn’t want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn’t want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder.

PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he’s not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn’t live in a hut in Burma where there’s no phones?

GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.

PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?

GRANDMOTHER: Honey.

PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh.

GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that’s all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out] This is the real him.

PHOEBE: Oh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating the Christmas tree.]

CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn’t want anybody to see him but he’d be drunk so he’d stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.

RACHEL: Well, that doesn’t sound like a very merry Christmas.

CHANDLER: Who said anything about Christmas?

[Monica and Ross enter.]

MONICA: Hi.

ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet?

RACHEL: No, nothin’.

MONICA: I hope she’s OK.

JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly what she’s goin’ through.

MONICA: How do you know exactly what she’s going through?

JOEY: She told us.

CHANDLER: So whaddya got there Monica?

MONICA: Just some stuff for the party.

ROSS: Yeah, what’re you guys doin’ here, aren’t you supposed to be Christmas shopping?

MONICA: You guys haven’t gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve, what’re ya gonna do?

CHANDLER: Don’t you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?

RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don’t think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box]

MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn’t give him enough.

JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.

[Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.]

ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what’ll make you feel better. How ’bout you make a list about me.

RACHEL: Wha… forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . .

ROSS: C’mon Rachel.

RACHEL: OK, you’re whiney, you are, you’re obsessive, you are insecure, you’re, you’re gutless, you know, you don’t ever, you don’t just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn’t do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.

ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said.

RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You’re right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair]

[Scene: Back at Phoebe’s. She is on the phone]

PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn’t call youself information. [hangs up]

[Phoebe’s grandmother enters]

GRANDMOTHER: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name.

GRANDMOTHER: C’mon now Phoe, don’t still be mad at me. How’s it going?

PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate’s pretty big, he’s pretty small, you do the math.

GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you’re better off without him. Oh honey, I know he’s your daddy but, but to me he’s still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.

PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know.

GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn’t completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn’t know exactly where he lived.

PHOEBE: Whattaya mean?

GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you’ve gone too far. You can take my cab.

PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you.

GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I’m gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein]

Commercial

[Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey walks up.]

JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet?

CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.

JOEY: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7.

CHANDLER: Hey, don’t worry. I figure it’ll be 2 hours to Phoebe’s dad’s house, they’ll meet, they’ll chat, they’ll swap life stories, we’ll still have plenty of time.

[Phoebe drives up in the cab]

JOEY: Hey, here she comes.

Chandler: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back seat, Chandler in the front]

PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I’m gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.

CHANDLER: Eeeshk.

JOEY: Yeah, big stuff.

PHOEBE: OK, let’s go.

CHANDLER: OK.

PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have to hold this. [hands Chandler a piece of paper]

CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas right?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, yeah, that’s my cheat sheet.

CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt] Where’s my seat belt?

PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn’t have one, the paramedics had to cut through it. [Chandler jumps out of the car]

CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey!

JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and Chandler are thrown back in the seat]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.]

ROSS: C’mon, just tell me, please, please.

MONICA: For the sixteenth time, no… I do not think you’re obsessive.

[Rachel enters from her room]

RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it’s hot in here.

MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could you turn the heat down please?

ROSS: Sure. By the way, there’s a difference between being obsessive and. . .

MONICA: Ross, the heat!

ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I’m the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.

RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator?

ROSS: No, no, I was turnin’ the knob and, and. . . here it is.

MONICA: Well put it back.

ROSS: It uhh, it won’t go back.

RACHEL: I’ll call the super.

MONICA: Here, let me try.

ROSS: Oh, oh that’s right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.

MONICA: Hey, it’s Funny’s cousin, Not Funny.

RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it’s Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it’s really hot in here. Yes, it’s, it’s hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can’t wait until Tuesday, we’re having a party tonight.

ROSS: OK, tip the man.

MONICA: No, if he doesn’t like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we’ll call it a theme party.

ROSS: Hey, here’s a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe’s dad’s house. The cab pulls up.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass wall in the cab]

CHANDLER: Oh, so that’s what this is for.

PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I’m gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

JOEY: Sure is.

PHOEBE: OK, here I go. I’m goin’ in.

CHANDLER: Alright.

JOEY: Good luck Phoebs.

PHOEBE: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I’m goin’. [she just sits in the cab]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the heat.]

RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom.

ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It’s hard to tell because I’m sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?

MONICA: [carrying an ice cube tray] Ice, ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright.

ROSS: Monica, Monica, your guest are turning into jerky, OK.

MONICA: Really? I’m perfectly comfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it]

RACHEL: [answering the door] Mr. Treeger.

MR. TREEGER: Uhh, you said there was a party.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna.

MR. TREEGER: Ahh, is it hot? My body always stays cool, probably ’cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese!

[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the super.]

ROSS: Alright, alright, here’s the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything.

MONICA: No, I will not cave.

RACHEL: Yeah, I’m with Mon.

ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he’s your super, I’m seizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas.

[Gives him the cash.]

MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn’t get you anything. Here’s five back.

ROSS: No no, no, that, that’s your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there’s a chance you could fix that radiator now?

MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the girl, I can’t get a new knob until Thursday.

MONICA: Ross.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: [to Ross] Looks like he’s playin’ baseball.

ROSS: You mean hardball?

MONICA: Whatever.

RACHEL: What’cha gonna’ do?

ROSS: Excuse me, I’m seizing. Mr. Treeger, here’s another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting?

MR. TREEGER: No, the place is not open ’till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.

MONICA: So, wait, you really did like my cookies?

MR. TREEGER: Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared.

RACHEL: Nice seizing. . . gel boy.

MR. TREEGER: [to Rachel who is standing under mistletoe] So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe?

RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act–no, uhh, that, that is basil.

MR. TREEGER: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya.

RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it’s still basil.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe’s dad’s house. Phoebe is running back to the cab.]

PHOEBE: OK.

JOEY: How far’d ya get?

PHOEBE: Mailbox.

CHANDLER: Alright, we’re gettin’ closer.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh.

JOEY: Phoebs, what’s goin’ on?

PHOEBE: No, it’s just like, ya know, it’s a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It’s like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he’s a, a pharmacist guy and. . .

JOEY: Well, maybe he’s, maybe he’s this really cool pharmacist guy.

PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I’ll knock on the door and, and he’ll hug me and I’ll have a dad. Ya know and I’ll, I’ll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me ’cause, you know, I’m Franks daughter.

CHANDLER: Well, so why not go knock?

PHOEBE: Well, ’cause, I mean, what if, what if he’s not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he’s just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I’ve already lost a fake dad this week and I don’t think I’m ready to lose a real one.

JOEY: Phoebs, that’s OK. You took a big step today.

PHOEBE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you’re ready, you’ll make it past the hedges.

JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he’ll be lucky to have you.

PHOEBE: You guys. I’m sorry about your shopping.

CHANDLER: Oh, that’s OK, we’ll figure something out.

JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you’re not goin’ in there but do you think it’d be alright if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that’s fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.]

CHANDLER: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!

JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?

MONICA: Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin’ earlier.

ROSS: Hey, Phoebs, how’d it go.

PHOEBE: Oh, I couldn’t go in.

MONICA: Honey, I’m sorry.

ROSS: Are you OK?

PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, no it’s OK ’cause, I mean, I know he’s there, so, that’s enough for now.

CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it’s after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing]

JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that’s alright.

CLOSING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]

JOEY: Rach, these are for you.

RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don’t even have a car.

JOEY: No, but with this new car smell, you’ll think you do.

CHANDLER: OK, Phoebs, your turn.

PHOEBE: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?

JOEY: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: You guuuyys.

JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.

ROSS: You got me a cola drink?

CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime.

ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.

CHANDLER: And last but not least.

[Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.]

JOEY: They’re ribbed for your pleasure.

[Ross and Monica trade their gifts.]

END

Read Full Post »


Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane
Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu]
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.


[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing the night before.]

RACH: Ross kissed me.

MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

RACH: It was unbelievable!

MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?

RACH: Oh, it ended very well.

PHOE: Oh.

MNCA: [getting the wine] Do not start without me. Do not start without me.

PHOE: Ok, all right, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a “I gotta have you now” kind of thing?

RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?

RACH: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.

PHOE/MNCA: Ohhhh.

[Scene: Ross’ apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza.]

ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.

JOEY: Tongue?

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: Cool.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there; Chandler is showing everyone his new computer.]

CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.

PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff.

MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.

JOEY: [reading over her shoulder] Wait, here’s one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?

MNCA: There’s an ad for a naked chef?

JOEY: No, but if you’re willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then… [rubs his fingers together]

[Ross enters, distraught.]

ROSS: Hi.

PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um…how’d you make out last night?

ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that’s just painful

MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.

ROSS: Yeah, it was, but…I get home, ok, and I see Julie’s saline solution on my night table. And I’m thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I’m like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?

JOEY: You got all that from saline solution?

MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.

ROSS: Believe me, I’ve been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I’m with Julie, so it’s like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and… [Rachel enters, carrying a tray]… Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.

RACH: [to Ross] Hey, you.

ROSS: How are you?

RACH: Good. How are you?

ROSS: Good.

[Julie enters.]

JULIE: Hi, honey.

ROSS: Hi, Julie. [nervous] Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you?

JULIE: Good.

ROSS: [uncomfortable] Good, so everybody’s here. Everybody’s good. So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe?

PHOE: Oh, well, actually.

ROSS: [impatient] Play it.

PHOE: Ok, all right.

JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn’t know you wore lenses.

JULIE: What?

ROSS: [to Joey] Ssshh.

PHOE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it’s called, um, “Two of Them Kissed Last Night”.

[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, realizing the song is about their situation.]

PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we’ll call her Betty, and a guy let’s call him Neil. Now I can’t stress this point too strongly, this story isn’t real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we’ll call Ju…Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter’s (RTST) office. Monica is there about a job.]

RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo.

MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn’t too clear.

RTST: Mockolate.

MNCA: I’m sorry?

RTST: Mockolate. It’s a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.

MNCA: Ohh.

[He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.]

RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.

MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm.

[She tastes it, and obviously hates it.]

RTST: Yeah?

MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to show it] I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn’t do that.

RTST: No, ma’am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.

MNCA: [still chewing] Mmm-mmm.

RTST: But, we’re thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.

MNCA: Wow.

RTST: Aren’t you going to swallow that?

MNCA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.

RTST: Yeah, isn’t that great?

MNCA: [with false enthusiasm] Mmm.

RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested?

MNCA: Abso…[swallows hard]…lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.

RTST: Really?

MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I’ll tell ya, that’ll last ya till Christmas.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Phoebe are there. Monica is suggesting Mockolate recipes to Phoebe.]

MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse?

PHOE: It’s not, it’s not very Thanksgiving-y.

MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?

PHOE: What makes it pilgrim?

MNCA: We’ll put buckles on it.

[Rachel enters.]

RACH: Hey.

PHOE: Hey.

MNCA: Hey.

RACH: Did uh, Ross call?

MNCA: No, I’m sorry.

RACH: Why didn’t he call? He’s gonna stay with Julie, isn’t he? He’s gonna stay with her and she’s going to be all, “Hi, I’m Julie, Ross picked me, and we’re gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together.”

PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]

ROSS: I don’t know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.

CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.

JOEY: Hey, here’s a thought, Ross. [reaches for the computer]

CHAN: Don’t touch the computer. Don’t ever touch the computer.

JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.

[Ross gives him an insulted look.]

CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let’s get logical about this, ok? We’ll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We’ll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.

ROSS: Can’t we just use a pen?

CHAN: No, Amish boy.

JOEY: Ok, let’s start with the cons, ’cause they’re more fun. All right, Rachel first.

ROSS: I don’t know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she’s a little spoiled sometimes.

JOEY: You could say that.

ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she’s a little ditzy, you know. And I’ve seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common ’cause we’re both paleontologists, but Rachel’s just a waitress.

CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?

ROSS: I don’t know.

JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.

CHAN: Ok, let’s do Julie. What’s wrong with her?

ROSS: [long pause] She’s not Rachel.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica has made food for Phoebe and Rachel to taste.]

MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.

[Rachel takes a bite.]

RACH: Oh my god.

MNCA: Oh my god good?

RACH: Oh my god, I can’t believe you let me put this in my mouth.

[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.]

PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler is on the phone with a computer hotline.]

CHAN: I’m telling you this thing won’t print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?

[Ross enters with a melancholy look.]

JOEY: [to Ross] Hey, so how’d it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart?

ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.

CHAN: [in phone] So, Spock actually hugs his father?

[Rachel enters.]

RACH: Hey, do you guys have…[sees Ross, pauses]…hi.

ROSS: Hi.

RACH: [sees his coat on] Where you goin’?

ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie’s.

RACH: [dejected] Oh.

ROSS: No, no, uh, it’s not what you think. It’s um the other thing.

RACH: Well, what’s the other thing, what do I think?

[Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing his head towards Ross.]

ROSS: Well, uh.

JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god’s sakes.

RACH: Really?

ROSS: Really. It’s always been you, Rach.

[Ross and Rachel hug.]

RACH: Oh, god.

JOEY/CHAN: Ohhh.

RACH: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good.

ROSS: I know, I know, it’s, it’s almost…[turns around, sees Chandler and Joey] What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them?

RACH: Let me get my coat.

ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I’ll get your coat.

[Ross leaves.]

RACH: Ok, he’s goin’ to get my coat. He’s goin’ to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can’t believe this. This is unbelievable. [notices Chandler’s computer screen] What’s that?

CHAN: [nervous] What? Nothing.

[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.]

RACH: What’s that? What? I saw my name. What is it?

CHAN: No, no, see? See? [the printer starts to run] Hey, it’s printing. [to Joey, rattled] Hey, it’s printing!

[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.]

RACH: Well what is it? Let me see.

[Ross walks back in, Rachel’s coat in hand.]

ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat?

RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won’t let me see.

ROSS: He won’t? [remembers what it is] He won’t! Because, isn’t that, isn’t that the, the short story you were writing?

CHAN: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing.

RACH: And I’m in it? Then let me read it.

CHAN, JOEY, ROSS: No!

RACH: Come on.

JOEY: Hey, uh, why don’t you read it to her?

[Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who thinks he has come up with a good idea.]

CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his throat] “It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. ‘Oh, look,’ cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end.”

ROSS: That’s it? That’s all you wrote? You’re the worst writer in the whole world.

RACH: All right, you know what? This isn’t funny anymore. There’s something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.

ROSS: No, you don’t.

RACH: All right, you know what, that’s fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that’s fine. I do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it to herself.]

RACH: What is this? Ross, what is this?

CHAN: Good luck.

[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.]

ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?

RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?

ROSS: Now that’s a little spoiled. He was supposed to type “little”, the idiot.

RACH: Just a waitress?

ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach?

RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!

[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.]

ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie’s column.

RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell’s a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn’t know because I’m just a waitress.

[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.]

ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She’s not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra–Rachel?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]

CHAN: My diary! My diary, that’s brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary.

MNCA: You know, that’s true. You’d be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.

PHOE: I… I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.

JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler’s idea.

PHOE: What?

MNCA: What?

CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.

MNCA: This was your idea?

PHOE: What were you thinking?

CHAN: [squirming] All right, let’s get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.

MNCA: Yeah. You!

CHAN: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don’t you?

PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.]

ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please!

RACH: [coldly] When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn’t mean please climb up the fire escape.

ROSS: I just wanna read something. It’s your pro list.

RACH: Not interested.

[Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.]

ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you’re nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben.

[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.]

ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.

JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin’?

ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do.

[He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.]

CHAN: What are you doing out there?

ROSS: I am, uh, I am…

MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate?

[Ross runs to Rachel’s bedroom, knocking on the door.]

ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance.

[Rachel opens the door.]

RACH: No.

ROSS: No?

RACH: That’s what I said.

CHAN: Look, maybe we should go?

RACH: No, you guys, you really don’t have to go, we’re done talking.

ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel.

RACH: [near tears] No, you don’t, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.

RACH: Oh, well, that’s, that’s mighty big of you, Ross. [to the others] I said don’t go!

ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there’s nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.

RACH: Well, then, I guess that’s the difference between us. See, I’d never make a list.

[She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.]

JOEY: [quietly] I never know how long you’re supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know? [Ross stares blankly at him] Maybe a little longer.

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter’s office. Monica is there.]

MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I’ve indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.

RTST: Doesn’t matter.

MNCA: What?

RTST: Our FDA approval didn’t come through. Something about laboratory rats.

MNCA: Oh, gosh, I’m sorry.

RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to her] Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn’t eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?

MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some.

RTST: Oh, some, that’s fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn’t burn when you pee, does it?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Rachel are there.]

(phone rings)

MNCA: Hello?

[Ross is at his apartment.]

ROSS: Hi.

RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again? Tell him I’d come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin’ me down.

MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I… I don’t think this is the best time.

ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me?

MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the phone] [to Rachel] Music?

[Monica turns on the radio.]

RADIO: The next one’s dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he’s deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You plays)

[Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.]

RADIO: Uh, we’ve just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It’s pretty appalling, and Ross, if you’re listening, I don’t wanna play your song anymore. Why don’t we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle’s sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.

[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter’s office. Monica is there.]

RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again.

MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.

RTST: It’s like I’m lookin’ in a mirror. Anyway, they’re called “fishtachios”. They taste exactly like pistachios, but they’re made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You’re not allergic to anything, are you?

MNCA: Cat hair.

RTST: Oh, sorry.

END

Read Full Post »


Originally written by Michael Borkow
Transcribed by Josh Hodge

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.


[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.]

CHAN: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me?

RACH: So, how was the party?

CHAN: Well it couldn’t have been worse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive?

PHOE: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everyting.

CHAN: Woah, woah, I’ve put on a little weight?

PHOE: No, not wieght… y’know, more like insulation.

MNCA: Chandler, I’m unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.

CHAN: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.

MNCA: Please.

ALL: C’mon. Let her. Yeah.

CHAN: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I’m goin’ home.

PHOE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back] Oh, can’t make…. hands… meet….

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is there.]

CHAN: OK, let’s do it. [Monica looks at him funny] What?

MNCA: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.

CHAN: And we’re changing. [jogs back in his apartment]

[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]

[Scene: Back in Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler is doing situps.]

MNCA: C’mon give me five more. Five more.

CHAN: [weakly] No.

MNCA: Five more and I’ll flash you.

CHAN: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.]

CHAN: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She’s insane, the woman is insane. It’s before work, it’s after work, it’s during work. She’s got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won’t bring me my mail anymore.

[Phoebe enters.]

RACH: Hey Phoebs, how’d it go with Scott last night?

PHOE: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice.

JOEY: The guy still won’t put out, huh?

PHOE: Nope. Zilch, nothin’, uh-uh.

ALL: Sorry Phoebs.

PHOE: Look, I, y’know, I don’t mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y’know he’s really interesting and he’s really sweet and why won’t he give it up?

JOEY: Maybe he, uhh… drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.

PHOE: No, whad’ya mean? He’s not British.

JOEY: Maybe he’s. . . gay.

PHOE: Oohh, um, no, I don’t think that’s the problem. ‘Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like… definitely felt something.

RACH: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?

PHOE: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.

[Monica enters.]

MNCA: [to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes.

CHAN: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.

PHOE: [seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window] Ooh, oh, Rachel, don’t look.

RACH: What? [looks, feigns indifference] C’mon you guys, I don’t care, I have a date tonight.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?

RACH: Yeah, Monica’s settin’ me up.

JOEY: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .?

RACH: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y’know, as much fun as that was, I’ve decided to opt for sanity.

CHAN: So you really OK about all this?

RACH: Oh yeah, c’mon, I’m movin’ on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.

[Ross and Julie enter.]

ROSS: Hi guys.

ALL: Hey.

ROSS: Oh, Monica, I figured I’d come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy’s old cat toy, OK?

MNCA: Only if you say his full name.

ROSS: [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington’s cat toy.

MNCA: Alright.

JOEY: [to Ross] You’re getting a cat?

ROSS: Uh, actually, we’re getting a cat.

RACH: Together?

ROSS: Uh huh.

RACH: Both of you?

ROSS: Yep.

RACH: Together.

JULIE: Yeah, we figure it’ll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time.

RACH: Ohh, well, isn’t that just lovely. That’s something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.

ROSS: Hopefully.

RACH: Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we’re not supposed to take these when we leave.

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael (MICH).]

MICH: I don’t know if Monica told you but this is the first date I’ve gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.

RACH: [distracted] How long do cats live?

MICH: [confused] I’m sorry?

RACH: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don’t… y’know, throw ’em under a bus or something?

MICH: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.

RACH: That’s just great. [she picks up her champagne and starts drinking]

MICH: Um, cheers.

RACH: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass]

MICH: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn’t she?

RACH: Oh, no, Michael, it’s not you. I’m sorry, it’s just, it’s this thing. It’s probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.

MICH: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.

RACH: I mean he just started going out with her.

MICH: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?

RACH: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I’m sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let’s talk about you.

MICH: Alright.

RACH: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]

PHOE: So, I figured it out.

JOEY: What?

PHOE: Why Scott doesn’t want to sleep with me. It’s ’cause I’m not sexy enough.

JOEY: Phoebe, that’s crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, “Excellent butt, great rack.”

PHOE: Really? That’s so sweet. I mean, I’m officially offended but, sweet.

JOEY: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you’re just gonna have to ask him.

PHOE: You’re right, you’re right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug]

[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.]

[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.]

RACH: [obviously drunk] I mean, it’s a cat, y’know, it’s a cat. Why can’t they get one of those bugs, y’know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something? [belligerently] What’re they called, what’re they called, what’re they called?

MICH: Fruitflies?

RACH: Yes! Thank you.

[The waiter comes to the table.]

WAITER: So, would you like any dessert?

MICH: No! No dessert, just a check, please.

RACH: Oh, you’re not having fun, are you?

MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I’ve been playing the movie Diner in my head.

RACH: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I’m on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his… Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can’t I do that?

MICH: Oy. Look, I’ve been through a divorce, trust me you’re gonna be fine. You just can’t see it now because you haven’t had any closure.

RACH: Yeah! Closure. That’s what it is, that’s what I need. God, you’re brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that? How do I get that?

MICH: Well, you know, there’s no one way really, it’s just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, “I’m over you.”

RACH: Closure, that’s what it is. Closure. [she looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair]

GUY: Hang on.

RACH: Hello, excuse me.

GUY: What.

RACH: Hi, I’m sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.

GUY: I’m talkin’!

RACH: I can see that. I… just one phone call, I’ll be very quick, I’ll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK, you’re bein’ a little weird about your phone.

GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I’ll call you back. [hands the phone to her]

RACH: Thank you. OK. [dials] [to Michael] Machine. Just waiting for the beep.

MICH: Good.

RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it’s Rachel. I’m just calling to say that um, everything’s fine and I’m really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I’m thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.]

CHAN: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No. Monica, it’s Sunday morning. I’m not running on a Sunday.

MNCA: Why not?

CHAN: Because it’s Sunday. It’s God’s day.

MNCA: OK, if you say stop, then we stop.

CHAN: OK, stop.

MNCA: No, c’mon, we can’t stop, c’mon, we’ve got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica] Woo.

[Scene: Rachel and Monica’s apartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross enters.]

ROSS: Hey Rach.

RACH: Ahhhh.

ROSS: Oh. And how was the date?

RACH: Umm, I think there was a restaurant… I know there was wine. . .

[Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can’t place what it is.]

ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie’s downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?

RACH: I don’t know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don’t remember.

ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy]

RACH: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?

ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie’s last night.

RACH: Huh.

ROSS: Oh, actually I haven’t even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?

RACH: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.]

ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses] Who’s Michael?

[Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.]

RACH: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross’s back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.]

ROSS: You’re over me?

RACH: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back]

ROSS: Wha… you’re uh, you’re, you’re over me?

RACH: Ohh, ohh.

ROSS: When, when were you… under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What?

RACH: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I’ve uh, I’ve uh, sort of had feelings for you.

ROSS: You’ve had feelings for me?

RACH: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.

ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had… you know?

RACH: Chandler told me.

ROSS: Chandler. When did he… when did he… when did he?

RACH: When you were in China.

ROSS: China.

RACH: Meeting Julie.

ROSS: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I’m gonna stand. I’m gonna stand, I’m gonna walk, I’m walkin’ and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha… and now, now, now you’re over me?

RACH: Are you over me?

[A moment of silence.]

ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] That’s, that’s Julie. Ju… Julie, Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie.

JULIE: [over intercom] Hi honey, I’ve got a cab waiting.

ROSS: [perky] I’ll be right down.

RACH: Wait, so, you’re going?

ROSS: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can’t deal with this right now. I mean, I’ve uh, y’know, I’ve got a cab, I’ve got a girlfriend, I’m… I’m gonna go get a cat.

RACH: OK, OK.

ROSS: Cat. [leaves]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.]

PHOE: Hey Joey.

JOEY: Hey Phoebs.

PHOE: How come you’re watching a rabbi play electric guitar?

JOEY: I can’t find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you.

PHOE: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.

JOEY: And?

PHOE: And we did.

JOEY: All right Phoebs, way to go.

PHOE: Yay me.

JOEY: So, so how did it happen?

PHOE: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.

JOEY: And what did he say?

PHOE: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y’know, like, ‘ohh, is he gonna call me the next day’ and, y’know, ‘where is this going’ and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.

JOEY: Wow.

PHOE: Yeah, so I said, “OK, relax please,” y’know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y’know, it’s, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that’s fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.

JOEY: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.

PHOE: Um-hum.

JOEY: This man is my God.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in. Get your Kleenex.]

RACH: Hi.

ROSS: I didn’t get a cat.

RACH: Oh, that’s um, interesting.

ROSS: No, no it’s not interesting. OK, it’s very, very not interesting. In fact it’s actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting.

RACH: Alright, I got it Ross.

ROSS: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.

RACH: [hurt] What?

ROSS: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.

RACH: Hey, I was doin’ great before I found out about you. You think it’s easy for me to see you with Julie?

ROSS: Then you should have said something before I met her.

RACH: I didn’t know then. And how come you never said anything to me.

ROSS: There was never a good time.

RACH: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.

ROSS: Not, not, not every night. You know, and… and it’s not like I didn’t try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y’know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.

RACH: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point?

ROSS: The point is I… I don’t need this right now, OK. It, it’s too late, I’m with somebody else, I’m happy. This ship has sailed.

RACH: Yeah, what’re you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?

ROSS: Hey, I’ve been doin’ it since the ninth grade, I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it.

RACH: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.

ROSS: Fine.

RACH: ‘Cause I don’t need your stupid ship.

ROSS: Good.

RACH: Good. [Ross leaves]

[Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.]

RACH: And ya know what, now I’ve got closure.

[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can’t get the lock undone.]

ROSS: Try the bottom one.

[She opens the door and they kiss.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler answers the door to find Monica.]

CLOSING CREDITS

CHAN: Monica, it’s 6:30 in the morning. We’re not working out, it’s over.

MNCA: No way, with one pound to go, c’mon. We’re workin’, we’re movin’, we’re in the zone we’re groovin’.

CHAN: OK, I don’t, I don’t mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don’t make me do anything that I’ll regret.

MNCA: Ooh, what’cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What?

CHAN: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it’s wonderful how much energy you have.

MNCA: Well, thanks.

CHAN: I mean, especially considering how tough it’s been for you to find work.

MNCA: Well, you know.

CHAN: You know, I mean, you can’t tell your parents you were fired because they’d be disappointed.

MNCA: [sad] Uh-huh.

CHAN: And it’s not as if you have a boyfriend’s shoulder to cry on.

MNCA: Well no, but um.

CHAN: I mean, if it were me, I think I’d have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.

MNCA: Y’know, I try to stay positive. . .

CHAN: So, you feel like goin’ for a run?

MNCA: Alright.

CHAN: Because, you know, you don’t have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.

MNCA: OK. Just for a little while.

CHAN: OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room]

END

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Originally written by Betsy Borns
Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu]
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.


[Scene: At Monica and Rachel’s.]

MONICA: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Why is he still crying?

ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.

MONICA: Maye it’s me.

ROSS: Don’t be silly. Ben loves you. He’s just being Mr. Crankypants.

CHANDLER: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.

ROSS: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)

MONICA: There’s my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)

CHANDLER: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.)

JOEY: Cool.

MONICA: He hates me. My nephew hates me.

ROSS: Come on, don’t do this.

MONICA: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then?

CHANDLER: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it’s gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don’t even have a boyfriend yet. Joey, she does not look fat.

(Chandler has a basketball which he is moving closer to, then away from, Monica)

JOEY: Goo, goo, goo, waaah!

MONICA: That is so funny. Let me see that. (throws the ball out the window)

JOEY: Are you ok, Ross?

ROSS: I don’t know. What’s in this pie?

MONICA: Uh, I don’t know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi–

ROSS: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie.

MONICA: No I didn’t, I said kiwi lime. That’s what makes it so special.

ROSS: And that’s what’s gonna kill me. I’m allergic to kiwi.

MONICA: No you’re not. You’re, you’re allergic to lobster and peanuts and–oh my god.

ROSS: Ugh.

MONICA: Oh my god.

ROSS: Ugh. It’s definitely getting worse.

MONICA: Is your tongue swelling up?

ROSS: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.

MONICA: All right, get your coat, we’re going to the hospital.

JOEY: Is he gonna be ok?

MONICA: Yeah, he’s just gotta get a shot.

ROSS: You know, you know, actually it’s getting better. It is. It is. Let’s not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?

MONICA: Jacket now.

ROSS: What about Ben? We can’t bring a baby to a hospital.

CHANDLER: We’ll watch him.

ROSS: I don’t think tho.

JOEY: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I’ve taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don’t we?

CHANDLER: I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that’s out the window.

ROSS: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there’s extra milk in the fridge, and there’s extra diapers in the bag.

JOEY: Hat, milk, got it.

ROSS: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro–a thro thro!

JOEY: Consider it done.

CHANDLER: You understood that?

JOEY: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.

CHANDLER: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?

(Central Perk)

PHOEBE: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I’m thinkin’ of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.

RACHEL: Ok.

PHOEBE: (singing) I’m in the shower and I’m writing a song. Stop me if you’ve heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

TERRY: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?

RACHEL: What’s up?

TERRY: F.Y.I.. I’ve decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie… something. She’s supposed to be very good.

RACHEL: But what about Phoebe?

TERRY: Rachel, it’s not that your friend is bad, it’s that she’s so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, so you’re not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.

TERRY: Uh–

RACHEL: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?

PHOEBE: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed.

(Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben)

CHANDLER: You know, I don’t think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby’s anvil?

JOEY: It’s gonna be worth it. It’s a known fact that women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who love babies. It’s that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o’ babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.

CHANDLER: No, I got him.

JOEY: No, seriously.

CHANDLER: Oh, seriously you want him?

CAROLINE: Hello.

BOYS: Hello.

CAROLINE: And who is this little cutie pie?

CHANDLER: Well, don’t, don’t think me immodest, but, me?

JOEY: You wanna smell him?

CAROLINE: I assume we’re talking about the baby now.

JOEY: Oh, yeah. He’s got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.

CAROLINE: I think my uterus just skipped a beat.

JOEY: (to Chandler) What’d I tell you? What’d I tell you?

CAROLINE: I think it’s great you guys are doing this.

CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys.

CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?

(Central Perk)

PHOEBE: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can’t just erase chalk.

RACHEL: Honey, I’m sorry.

PHOEBE: And he’s going to be paying this woman? Why doesn’t he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.

RACHEL: Terry is a jerk, ok? That’s why we’re always saying “Terry’s a jerk!” That’s where that came from.

PHOEBE: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could.

RACHEL: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why don’t you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won’t even be here. You don’t pay her. It’s not gonna cost you anything.

TERRY: I, I don’t know.

RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I’ll even clean the cappuccino machine.

TERRY: You don’t clean the cappuccino machine?

RACHEL: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.

TERRY: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.

RACHEL: Done.

PHOEBE: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah. Who’s workin’ for you babe?

PHOEBE: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get?

RACHEL: What?

PHOEBE: Well you said that he’s paying the people who are playing.

RACHEL: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he’s gonna be paying that other woman beause she’s a professional.

PHOEBE: Well, I’m not gonna be the only one who’s not getting paid.

RACHEL: Well, but Pheebs.

PHOEBE: No, huh uh, I’m sorry, no. No, I’m not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play. (Out on the sidewalk, singing) When I play, I play for me, I don’t need your charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la….

ROSS: Well, there’s no way I’m gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun.

DOCTOR: Hello, there. I’m Dr. Carlin. I see someone’s having an allergic reaction.

MONICA: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.

ROSS: Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea?

MONICA: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there’s any way to treat this orally.

DOCTOR: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.

ROSS: Tho?

(Monica shakes her head.)

ROSS: Ohhh.

MONICA: That’s good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it’s gotta be a needle. You’re just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?

ROSS: Ok.

MONICA: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin’ so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don’t squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don’t squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!

CHANDLER: That’s a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!

JOEY: Hey, hey, look at that talent.

CHANDLER: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You’re good. Carry on.

GIRL 1 ON BUS: Hey, you. He’s just adorable.

CHANDLER: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he’s too pink.

GIRL 2 ON BUS: So what are you guys out doing today?

JOEY: Oh we’re not out. No, no. We’re just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin’ the usual straight guy stuff.

CHANDLER: You done?

JOEY: Yeah.

GIRL 1: Oh, there’s our stop.

JOEY: Get outta here. This is our stop too.

GIRL 2: You guys live around here too?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.

CHANDLER: You know it?

JOEY: Hey, look, since we’re neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink?

GIRL 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel’s?

CHANDLER: Oh, sure, they love us over there.

GIRL 2: Where’s your baby?

CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!

CHANDLER: Oh, that’s good. Maybe he’ll hear you and pull the cord.

BOTH: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait!

MONICA: Are you sure he didn’t break it because it really hurts.

DOCTOR: No, it’s just a good bone bruise. And, right here is the puncture wound from your ring.

ROSS: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s’s back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate.

PHOEBE: (singing) … with the double double double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. I’m Stephanie.

PHOEBE: Right. My name was on there, but now it just says “carrot cake”. So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?

STEPHANIE: All of them.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, so you know D?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok, do you know A minor?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?

STEPHANIE: No.

PHOEBE: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes a face)

CHANDLER: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I’m doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er.

JOEY: Hi, here’s the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It’s white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again.

RACHEL: Ok, everybody, let’s give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to–

PHOEBE: (singing angrily) Terry’s a jerk, and he won’t let me work, and I hate Central Perk!

RACHEL: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.

STEPHANIE: Thank you. I’d like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing) Zachary.

PHOEBE: (singing/screaming) You’re all invited to bite me!

CHANDLER AND JOEY: Hi. We’re the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?

TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY: He’s here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I’m assuming one of you is the father.

CHANDLER: That’s me.

JOEY: I’m him.

CHANDLER: Actually, uh, we’re both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)

BOTH (but to different babies): Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!

CHANDLER: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.

JOEY: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.

CHANDLER: Ok.

JOEY: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one’s definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.

CHANDLER: Yeah?

JOEY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.

JOEY: Ahh!

CHANDLER: What’re we gonna do? What’re we gonna do?

JOEY: Uh, uh, we’ll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.

CHANDLER: Oh, we’re gonna flip for the baby?

JOEY: You got a better idea?

CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air.

JOEY: Heads.

CHANDLER: Heads it is.

JOEY: Yes! Whew!

CHANDLER: We have to assign heads to something.

JOEY: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

CHANDLER: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

(on the sidewalk outside Central Perk)

RACHEL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh, hi.

RACHEL: Here. I thought you might be cold.

PHOEBE: Thank you.

RACHEL: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.

PHOEBE: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, ’cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.

RACHEL: Do you?

PHOEBE: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don’t know, when I sang “Su-Su-Suicide”, I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, “Smelly Cat”, I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.

RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, I don’t think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you’ve ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh!

PHOEBE: It’s not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it’s like, it’s just all about the money.

RACHEL: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for “Smelly Cat”.

PHOEBE: Really? From who?

RACHEL: Well, from me. And I know it’s not your big money song, but it’s my favorite.

KID: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It’s kind of an emergency.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Here you go.

KID: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!

(chez Monica and Rachel)

ROSS: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I’m sorry I,I almost broke your hand.

MONICA: That’s ok. I’m sorry I poisoned you.

ROSS: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?

MONICA: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle?

ROSS: Oh.

MONICA: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian’s pumpkin?

ROSS: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb?

MONICA: No. But I remember people telling me about it.

ROSS: I hope Ben has a little sister.

MONICA: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.

ROSS: I’m gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how ’bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?

MONICA: That was you?

ROSS: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn’t have made it.

MONICA: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There’s my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he’s not crying.

CHANDLER: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he’s not crying.

(Ben starts crying)

JOEY: Yes! There’s still pie.

ROSS: I’m here. How’s my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.

ROSS: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus–Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?

CHANDLER: You, you are gonna love this.

ROSS: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here.

CHANDLER: Stay back, I’ve got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run!

STEPHANIE: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

PHOEBE: No, no, no. I’m sorry. It’s “smelly cat, smel-ly cat”.

STEPHANIE: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat…

PHOEBE: Better. Yeah.

STEPHANIE: Yeah?

PHOEBE: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don’t feel bad, because it’s a hard song.

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: You wanna try it again?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. From the top?

PHOEBE: Ok, there is no top. That’s the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don’t you just follow me?

STEPHANIE: Ok.

PHOEBE: Mmmm hmmm.

TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it’s not your fault.

PHOEBE: That’s too much. Sorry.

END

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Originally written by Alexa Junge
Transcribed by Josh Hodge.


[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is on the phone.]

RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c’mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there’s nothing [a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table] OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK, that’s fine, you just read the paper, I’m gonna get a pot, it’s not for you. [grabs a pot and lid] OK, that’s fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door] It’s open you guys.

[a stranger enters with flowers]

STRANGER: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you?

STRANGER: Yeah, I’m looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?

RACHEL: Uh, no she doesn’t but I can, I can get a message to her.

STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. [leaves flowers on bar]

RACHEL: What? [in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away]

STRANGER: Hey, how, how did you do that?

OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Monica and Rachels apartment. The whole gang is there.]

JOEY: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married?

PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I’m not married married, ya know, he’s just a friend and he’s gay and he’s just from Canada and he just needed a green card.

MONICA: I can’t believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.

PHOEBE: I’m sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you’d get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve.

MONICA: Of course I wouldn’t approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

ROSS: You see, and you thought she’d be judgemental.

PHOEBE: OK, I wasn’t in love with him and I was just helping out a friend.

MONICA: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

ALL: Huuh.

MONICA: Well, didn’t you?

PHOEBE: I might have.

MONICA: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.

PHOEBE: Oh, c’mon, like you tell me everything.

MONICA: What have I not told you?

PHOEBE: Oh, I don’t know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.

RACHEL: What!

MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you? [turns to Chandler who’s looking sheepish] You are dead meat.

CHANDLER: I didn’t know it was a big secret.

MONICA: Oh it’s not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don’t know, having a third nipple.

PHOEBE: You have a third nipple?

CHANDLER: You bitch.

ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out.

CHANDLER: C’mon, there’s nothin’ to see, it’s just a tiny bump, it’s totally useless.

RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

JOEY: I can’t believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.

ROSS: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?

JOEY: I don’t know, you see somethin’, you hear a word, I thought that’s what it was. Let me see it again.

ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.

CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie.

ALL: Huuh.

CHANDLER: If I’m goin’ down, I’m takin’ everybody with me.

ROSS: You were in a porno?

JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn’t go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can’t ’cause there’s people havin’ sex on it.

MONICA: That is wild.

ROSS: [to Chandler] So what’s it shaped like?

PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it?

JOEY: What happens if you flick it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.]

ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?

CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.

CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?

ROSS: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don’t know?

RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie’s so smart, Julie’s so special.

MONICA: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he’s with her now and you’re just gonna have to get over it.

RACHEL: Ohh, I’m gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn’t know that’s I had to do, I just have to get over it.

[Phoebe enters all dressed up]

ALL: Woah.

JOEY: Foxy lady.

JULIE: Where you goin’?

PHOEBE: Um, I’m gonna go meet Duncan, he’s skating tonight at the Garden, he’s in the Capades.

JOEY: The Ice Capades?

CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren’t as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.

MONICA: I can’t believe you’re dressing up for him. I mean, you’re just, you’re setting yourself up all over again.

PHOEBE: OK, no. For your information I’m going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I’m dressed like this is because I think it’s nice to look nice for your gay husband.

ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we’re all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of Chandler’s chest and flips the lid] Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?

CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .

[Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables.]

ROSS: OK sweetie, I’ll see you later.

JULIE: See you later Rach.

RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. [Julie leaves]

[Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.]

RACHEL: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

[Ross kicks her again]

RACHEL: Hey, c’mon, cut it out.

ROSS: Hey?

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Can I ask you somethin’?

RACHEL: Sure.

ROSS: Naa.

RACHEL: What? C’mon, talk to me.

ROSS: OK, what’s the longest you’ve been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex?

RACHEL: Why? Who’s not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex?

ROSS: Technically, huh, no.

RACHEL: Wow. Is it, is it ’cause she’s so cold in bed. Or, or is it ’cause she’s like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school?

ROSS: No, no, she’s great and it’s not like we haven’t done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot’s of other stuff, like uhh. . .

RACHEL: No, no no no, don’t need to know the details.

ROSS: It’s just, it’s, it’s me. You, you know I’ve only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I’ve got myself all psyched out, you know, and it’s become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I’m weird.

RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don’t think it’s weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think it’s sexy.

ROSS: Sexy?

RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.

ROSS: No kidding?

RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I’d do?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I’d wait.

ROSS: You’d wait?

RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I’d wait some more.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don’t care how much she tells you she wants it, I don’t care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she’s gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it’s working.

ROSS: Women really want this?

RACHEL: More than jewelry. [Rachel struts off, extremely pleased with herself]

[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Duncan’s dressing room.]

PHOEBE: Hi.

DUNCAN: Phoebe!

PHOEBE: Ta-da.

DUNCAN: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hi.

DUNCAN: Ahh, look at you, you look great.

PHOEBE: Do I? Thank you, so do you.

DUNCAN: Thanks.

PHOEBE: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger’s Ice is Nice.

DUNCAN: You always said I’d make it.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well, ya know, I’m kind of spooky that way. Wooo.

DUNCAN: I missed you. [they hug] I’m gonna get changed.

PHOEBE: OK.

DUNCAN: Um, now. Phoebs.

PHOEBE: Oh, right, OK. Ole.

DUNCAN: What?

PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncan leaves] Ole, ha ha ha.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table.]

ROSS: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks. [hands her a bowl and kisses her]

[Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don’t notice.]

CHANDLER: Uh, Julie.

JULIE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it’s gone now, you’re alright.

ROSS: Hi everyone.

ALL: Hi.

ROSS: [pulls Rachel aside] I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before.

RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you’re gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?

ROSS: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.

RACHEL: What did, what did he say?

ROSS: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . .

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. After dinner. Chandler enters.]

CHANDLER: What’s this in my pocket? Why it’s Joey’s porno movie.

ROSS: Pop it in.

JOEY: I’m fine with it, I mean, if you’re OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. [Chandler puts the tape in]

RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that’s just what I need to see.

ROSS: What’s wrong with people having sex?

RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting’s always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.

MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey.

JULIE: So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind.

CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I’ve ever seen.

MONICA: All I say is, she better get the job.

ROSS: Looks to me like he’s the one getting the job.

JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I’m comin’ to fix the copier, I can’t get to the copier, I’m thinkin’ what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch ’em have sex. And then I say, wait, here’s my line, [Joey from TV] you know that’s bad fo r the paper tray.

CHANDLER: Nice work my friend.

JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy’s butt’s blockin’ me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan’s dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and Duncan enters.]

PHOEBE: So um, so what’s up, you came to see me yesterday.

DUNCAN: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce.

PHOEBE: Ohh. . .K. How come?

DUNCAN: Umm, actually, I’m getting married again.

PHOEBE: What?

DUNCAN: Oh God, I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m straight.

PHOEBE: Huuh.

DUNCAN: Yeah, I know, I.

PHOEBE: I, I don’t, I don’t understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you’re, you’re so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.

DUNCAN: I know, that’s what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can’t live a lie anymore.

PHOEBE: So how long have you known?

DUNCAN: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I’m an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin’ to fit in.

PHOEBE: And um, and there’s actually a, a woman?

DUNCAN: Her name’s Debra.

PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you’ve been with?

DUNCAN: Well, I’ve never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I’d get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.

PHOEBE: Sure.

DUNCAN: But now I know I don’t have a choice about this, I was born this way.

PHOEBE: I, I don’t know what to say. I mean, you know, you’re married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, ‘Oh, I’m not gay.’

DUNCAN: I’m, I’m still me.

PHOEBE: Why couldn’t you have just figured this out six years ago?

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Everyone is sitting around. Monica enters from bathroom.]

MONICA: You know, it still smells like monkey in there.

JULIE: That saves us a conversation.

CHANDLER: Well, listen, this has been great but I’m officially wiped.

JOEY: Me too, we should get goin’.

RACHEL: No, no, I mean, no, c’mon you guys, I mean, c’mon look it’s only eleven thirty. Let’s just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore.

MONICA: Rachel, that’s all we do.

RACHEL: Maybe that’s all we do, what about Julie?

JULIE: What about Julie?

RACHEL: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don’t really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don’t you like? We wanna hear everything.

JULIE: Well, that could take a while.

RACHEL: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie?

CHANDLER: I got the time to get to know Julie.

JOEY: I got time.

MONICA: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? [Rachel gives her a look from hell] That’s fine.

RACHEL: OK Julie, so now let’s start with your childhood, what was that like?

JULIE: Well, in a nutshell. . .

RACHEL: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan’s dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers.]

PHOEBE: So, um, have you told your parents?

DUNCAN: No, but it’ll be OK, they’re pretty cool, my brother’s straight so. . .

PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I’m sorry, don’t tell me, I don’t th ink either answer would make me feel better.

DUNCAN: I love you Phoebe. [they hug and kiss]

PHOEBE: So your brother’s straigh huh? Seriously.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Julie is telling her live story.]

JULIE: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.

RAHCEL: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb?

JULIE: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.

RACHEL: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?

CHANDLER: I’m goin’ home.

RACHEL: What?

[Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit]

JOEY: Boy that Julie’s a talker, huh?

ROSS: Goodnight.

RACHEL: So, it’s pretty late, you’re probably uh, not still planning on. . .

ROSS: Oh, no no, I am.

RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous?

ROSS: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before.

RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce?

ROSS: I uh, I don’t know, I guess I’m just gonna see, see what happens.

RAHCEL: OK, gook luck.

ROSS: Wha, uhh, what?

RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn’t go well, well then that’s, that’s pretty darn hard to recover from.

ROSS: OK, now I’m nervous.

RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off.

ROSS: No, no, I don’t wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I’m actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don’t wanna, I don’t wanna mess it up, ya know.

RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry.

ROSS: What, it’s not your fault.

RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn’t have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I’d want you to, I don’t know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let’s me know that something amazing is about to happen.

ROSS: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.

RACHEL: And then, I don’t know, I mean you’d pull me really close to you so that, so that I’d be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it’s just happening.

ROSS: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. [goes back in apartment]

RACHEL: Ohh, God.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.]

ROSS: Good morning.

OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got some last night.

ROSS: Twice.

END

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Originally written by Michael Curtis and Greg Malins
Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen


CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA: So how was Joan?

CHANDLER: I broke up with her.

CHANDLER: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.

RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge.

CHANDLER: I’m tellin’ you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?

JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam’s apple. It made me nuts.

CHANDLER: You or me?

ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don’t have Adam’s apples.

JOEY: You guys are messin’ with me, right?

ALL: Yeah.

JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, “whoa.”

PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.

CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla.

ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason.

(knock)

MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles.

MR. HECKLES: You’re doing it again.

MONICA: We’re not doing anything.

MR. HECKLES: You’re stomping. It’s disturbing my birds.

RACHEL: You don’t have birds.

MR. HECKLES: I could have birds.

MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we’ll try to keep it down.

MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I’m going to rejoin my dinner party.

RACHEL: All right, bye-bye.

CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn’t about being picky.

ROSS: We’ll give you Janice.

PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. “Hello, Chandler Bing.”

RACHEL: “Oh, my, god.”

JOEY: “Oh, Chandler, now, now, that’s it. There, faster!”

MONICA: Stop with the broom, we’re not making noise.

RACHEL: We won. We won!

MONICA: Mr. Heckles.

RACHEL: How did this happen?

MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin’. They found a broom in his hand.

MONICA: That’s terrible.

MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin’ yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure, sweepin’. You never know.

MR. TREEGER: You never know.

PHOEBE: Ok, it’s very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!

CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: I’m sorry, but sometimes they need help. That’s fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there’re a lot of things that I don’t believe in, but that doesn’t mean they’re not true.

JOEY: Such as?

PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?

ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don’t, uh, you don’t believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: Nah. Not really.

ROSS: You don’t believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: I don’t know, it’s just, you know…monkeys, Darwin, you know, it’s a, it’s a nice story, I just think it’s a little too easy.

ROSS: Too easy? Too…The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don’t buy it.

ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.

PHOEBE: Ok, don’t get me started on gravity.

ROSS: You uh, you don’t believe in gravity?

PHOEBE: Well, it’s not so much that you know, like I don’t believe in it, you know, it’s just…I don’t know, lately I get the feeling that I’m not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

(knock)

CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It’s Isaac Newton, and he’s pissed.

MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there, that’s the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles’ attorney. He’d like to talk to you.

MONICA: What can we do for you?

MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here’s the deal. According to my client’s will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to “the noisy girls in the apartment above mine”.

MONICA: Well, what about his family?

MR. BOYLE: He didn’t have any.

RACHEL: Ok, so let’s talk money.

MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let’s talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.

MONICA: I can’t believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn’t it amazing how much you can touch someone’s life, without even knowing it?…Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!

RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap?

CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap

JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this?

ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: Just don’t. Look at this funky shirt!

ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.

PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it?

ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.

PHOEBE: See, I didn’t know that.

ROSS: Well, there you go.

PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?

CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. “My Big Book of Grievances.”

JOEY: Hey, there’s me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you’re in here too.

CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy’s gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that’s excellent.

RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.

MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.

RACHEL: What? Come on, it’s not like I’m asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.

MONICA: It doesn’t go with any of my stuff.

RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff?

MONICA: You don’t have any stuff.

RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, don’t you?

MONICA: No.

RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I’m just somebody who rents a room.

MONICA: Mmmmm.

RACHEL: Ok, while you “mmm” on it for awhile, I’m gonna go find a place for my new lamp.

ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I’m making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?

PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.

ROSS: Please tell me you’re joking.

PHOEBE: Look, can’t we just say that you believe in something, and I don’t.

ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can’t, ok, because–

PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what’s that all about? I think, I think maybe it’s time you put Ross under the microscope.

ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears?

JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles’ high school yearbook.

CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal.

PHOEBE: He’s even kind of cute.

JOEY: “Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You’re the funniest kid in school.

CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles?

JOEY: That’s what it says.

CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?

PHOEBE: I’d call that excessive.

CHANDLER: Whoa!

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler’s club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.

JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.

CHANDLER: I just think it’s weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles…Would you knock it off?

JOEY: Have you been here all night?

CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I’m gonna end up alone, just like he did.

JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.

CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I’m coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I’ll buy you breakfast, let’s go.

CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I’ve found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it “supposably”?

JOEY: Chandler, come on, you’re gonna find somebody.

CHANDLER: How do you know that? How?

JOEY: I don’t know, I’m just tryin’ to help you out.

CHANDLER: You’ll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I’m gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you’re married, will you invite me over for holidays?

JOEY: Well, I don’t know. I don’t know what we’re gonna be doin’. I mean, what if we’re at her folks’ place?

CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand.

JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?

CHANDLER: You know what? I’m not gonna end up like this. I’ll see you man.

JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.

CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, it’s me.

JANICE: Oh, my, god.

PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice?

CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?

ROSS: You remember Janice, right?

CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.

JANICE: Helloo!!

CHANDLER: Oh, my, god!

JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got.

JANICE: Hey, it’s everybody.

CHANDLER: Janice, you’re–

JANICE: Yes, I am.

CHANDLER: Is it–?

JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.

CHANDLER: Congratulations.

JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.

CHANDLER: You couldn’t have told me about this on the phone?

JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun.

MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven’t played in a while?

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Hide the Lamp.

RACHEL: Monica, let it go.

MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?

RACHEL: Well, then, you’ll just have to eat the other lamps.

PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It’s Scary Scientist Man.

ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.

PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I’m not denying evolution, ok, I’m just saying that it’s one of the possibilities.

ROSS: It’s the only possibility, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn’t there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can’t admit that there’s a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?

ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.

PHOEBE: I can’t believe you caved.

ROSS: What?

PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn’t agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who’s hungry?

RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat.

MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.

RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You’ve always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it’s just magically broken?

MONICA: Phoebe, tell her!

PHOEBE: Ok, I didn’t see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.

RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.

CHANDLER: Neat. I’m gonna die alone.

RACHEL: Ok, you win.

MONICA: Chandler, you’re not gonna die alone.

CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.

PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that?

CHANDLER: If I’m gonna be an old, lonely man, I’m gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I’ll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. “Run away from Crazy Snake Man,” they’ll shout!

MONICA: You have got to get over this. You’re not gonna end up alone.

CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone who’s crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren’t any great women out there.

RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.

MONICA: You are not a freak. You’re a guy.

RACHEL: She’s right. She’s right. You are no different than the rest of them.

MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.

CHANDLER: In a bad way?

MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don’t even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.

RACHEL: Yeah. You’re not gonna end up alone.

PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! That’s how much you wanted to be with someone!

MONICA: You made it!

PHOEBE: You’re there!

RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment!

CHANDLER: Whoa! Don’t know about that.

RACHEL: What you got there? Something else that’s not yours that you can break?

MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it’ll look good in our apartment.

RACHEL: Thank you.

MONICA: That’s fine.

CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She’s great. She’s pretty, she’s smart. And uh, I’ve been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I’m not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I’m growing.

JOEY: Hey, uh, you can’t recycle yearbooks, can you?

CHANDLER: I’ll take that.

JOEY: You want his yearbook?

CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.

MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it’s gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You’re all going to hell.

RACHEL: It’s really not that big!

CHANDLER: Takin’ that with you, huh?

JOEY: Oh, yeah.

ROSS: You comin’?

CHANDLER: Yeah, jus’ second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We’ll try to keep it down.

ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see “Philosopher wanted”?

CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, that’s a big head! It didn’t look this big in the office. Maybe it’s the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don’t get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser…Big head, big head, big head!)

END

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