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Archive for July, 2007

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Directed by: Kevin Bright
Transcribed by: Kreidy

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. It’s a scene from 1016 TOW Rachel’s Going Away Party.]

Jennifer Aniston (V.O.): Previously on Friends.

Monica: Erica, are you okay?

Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach-aches. They come and go like every few minutes.

Monica: Oh my God!

Chandler: Relax! We’ll just get her some antacids.

Monica: She doesn’t have a stomach-ache. She’s in labor!

Chandler: Oh my God!

[Cut to Ross’s apartment. Ross and Rachel are there. It’s another scene from 1016 TOW Rachel’s Going Away Party.]

Rachel: So if you think I didn’t say goodbye to you because you don’t mean as much to me as everybody else, you’re wrong. It’s because you mean more to me.

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: What?!

(He walks over and kisses her. They pull back, Rachel looks at him, and they kiss again.)

[Scene: Ross’s bedroom. Rachel is putting on her shoes as Ross shows up from underneath the covers.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Shh.. Go back to sleep. I have to go home.

Ross: Oh. This was amazing.

Rachel: It really was. You’ve learned some new moves!

Ross: Yeah, well, this guy at work gave me “Sex for Dummies” as a joke.

Rachel: Ah.

Ross: Who’s laughing now?

Rachel: I know!

(They kiss.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: The delivery room at the hospital. Monica, Chandler and Erica are there. Erica is in labor, and she is breathing heavily.]

Monica: Breathe, breathe, breathe… Good.

Chandler: Next time, can I say breathe?

Monica: No, last time you said it like Dracula, and it scared her! Can I get you anything? You want some more ice chips?

Erica: No, I’m okay.

Monica: Alright, I’ll be right back.

Chandler: Where are you going?

Monica: To use the bathroom.

Chandler: You can’t leave me alone with her.

Monica: What?

Chandler: This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with!

Monica: What kind of social situation are you comfortable with?

Chandler: It’s just that we’ve never spent any time, you know, alone together.

Monica: You’ll be fine. Nah, you won’t, but I’ll be back in two minutes.

Chandler: Okay.

(Monica leaves, and Chandler closes the door. Erica just looks at him.)

Chandler: So, ah… Any plans for the summer?

Erica: I don’t know. Maybe church-camp?

Chandler: Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts?

Erica: What?

Chandler: Well, it’s just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both.

(Erica just looks at him like he’s crazy.)

Chandler: One of life’s great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there’s something even more painful than those things? Like this.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters. Joey is holding a baby duck.]

Phoebe: Morning.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: What’s that?

Joey: It’s my house-warming present for Monica and Chandler.

Phoebe: It’s a baby chick and duck!

Joey: Uh-huh. And I named them Chick Jr. and Duck Jr.

Phoebe: I did not see that coming.

Joey: Yeah, I figure they’ll love it at the new house, you know? It has that big backyard. And then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that Chandler took the other chick and duck to.

Phoebe: Yes.

Joey: Yeah. It’s a shame people can’t visit there.

Phoebe: That is the rule, though.

(Ross enters.)

Phoebe: Guess what? You’re almost an uncle!

Ross: What?

Joey: Yeah, Erica went into labor last night. Monica and Chandler are at the hospital right now!

Ross: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, and I have a definite feeling it’s gonna be a girl.

Ross: Phoebe, you were sure Ben was gonna be a girl.

Phoebe: Have you seen him throw a ball?

Ross: Is Rachel here?

Joey: Uh, I think she’s still asleep. Hey, hey, how did it go with you guys last night? She seemed pretty pissed at you.

Ross: Uh, we, y’know, we worked things out.

Phoebe: What’s that smile? Did something happen with you two?

Ross: Hey, I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I’m also not one to have sex and shut up. We totally did it!

Joey: Oh my God. You and Rachel?

Ross: I know, it’s pretty great.

Joey: So what does that mean? Are you guys getting back together?

Ross: Oh, I.. I don’t know. We didn’t really get to talk.

Phoebe: But do you wanna get back together?

Ross: I don’t know. It was incredible. I mean, it just felt so right. When I was holding her, I mean, I never wanted to let her go. You know what? Yeah, I do. I wanna be together.

Phoebe: (screaming) YAY!

Ross: Shhh!

Phoebe: (quietly) Yay!

Joey: So, so is she still going to Paris?

Ross: Wow, I hadn’t thought of that. I hope not.

Phoebe: Oh, this is like the best day ever. Ever! You guys might get back together, Monica and Chandler are getting their baby, there are chicks and ducks in the world again! Oh, I feel like I’m in a musical! (Singing) “Daa – raa… When the sun comes up, bright and beaming! And the moon comes…”

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Morning!

Phoebe: Guess we’ll never know how it ends.

Joey: Okay.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey. How did you sleep?

Rachel: Good. You?

Ross: Good.

Joey: I bet you did!

Ross: Uh. Would you guys mind giving us a minute?

Joey: Sure, yeah. Will you just keep an eye on the chick and the duck?

Rachel: Chick and the duck? Didn’t they die…

Phoebe: (interrupting) Dive. Yeah, they dove head-first into fun on the farm.

(Joey and Phoebe leave.)

Ross: So…

(He kisses her.)

Ross: Morning.

Rachel: You too. Last night was just wonderful.

Ross: It really was.

Rachel: I woke up today with the biggest smile on my face.

Ross: I know, me too. It was… You know, it was like one of those things you think is never gonna happen, and then it does, and it’s everything you want it to be.

Rachel: Uh-huh. I know. It was just, it was just the perfect way to say goodbye. (She hugs him, and Ross looks crushed.)

[Scene: The Hospital. Erica is moaning and about to give birth. Monica, Chandler, a nurse and a doctor are there with her.]

Monica: It’s just a little bit more, honey.

Erica: Help me! This hurts!

Chandler: Is it really that bad?

Erica: Uh-huh! I think it’s time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse!

(Monica gives Chandler a look.)

Doctor: The baby’s head is crowning.

(Monica walks down to Erica’s legs to watch the birth.)

Monica: Oh! Oh my God! That is the most beautiful top of a head I have ever seen! Chandler, you have to see this!

(Chandler is standing by Erica’s head.)

Chandler: I’m okay.

Monica: Chandler, you don’t wanna miss this. This is the birth of your child! It’s the miracle of life!

Chandler: Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle.

Doctor: Start pushing. Here we go. Here come the shoulders…

(The baby starts crying, and the doctor holds it up.)

Monica: It’s a… It’s a boy!

Chandler: Wow!

Erica: Is he okay?

Doctor: He’s just fine.

Monica: Oh, you did it!

Chandler: (emotional) It’s a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I’m gonna pretend I don’t see.

Doctor: Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?

(A nurse gives Monica a pair of scissors. Monica gives it to Chandler, and they cut it together.)

Chandler: Well, that’s spongy.

Monica: (to her son) Oh, hey handsome! Oh, I’m gonna love you so much that no woman is ever gonna be good enough for you! (To Chandler, on the verge of tears) Oh, we are so lucky!

Chandler: I know. He has your eyes.

(Monica looks at him.)

Chandler: I mean, I know that’s not possible, but he does.

Nurse: We’ll just get him cleaned up a bit.

(The doctor hands the boy to the nurse, and she walks over to another part of the room with him.)

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (To Erica) Oh my God, he’s beautiful. Thank you so much.

Erica: I’m really happy for you guys.

Chandler: How do you feel?

Erica: I’m tired!

Doctor: Well, you don’t have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute.

(Chandler stares at the doctor, completely shocked. Monica just freezes and turns around slowly.)

Monica: I… I’m sorry, who should be along in a what now?

Doctor: The next baby should be along in a minute.

Monica: We only ordered one!

Doctor: You know it’s twins, right?

Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: The hospital. Continued from earlier.]

Doctor: I can’t believe you didn’t know it’s twins! This has never happened before.

Chandler: Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good.

Monica: (to the doctor) Wait, did you know it was twins?

Doctor: Yeah, it’s here in the paperwork we got from the clinic in Ohio.

Monica: (to Erica) Anybody tell you?

Erica: I don’t think so. Although, they did mention something about two heartbeats. But I thought that was just mine and the baby’s. They kept saying both heartbeats are really strong, and I thought well, that’s good ’cause I’m having a baby.

Monica: This is unbelievable.

Erica: Twins actually run in my family.

Chandler: Interesting! (To Monica) Can I see you for a second?

(They walk over to the door.)

Chandler: What do we do?

Monica: What do you mean “what do we do”?

Chandler: (panicking) Twins! Twins!!

Monica: Chandler, you’re panicking!

Chandler: Uh-huh! Join me, won’t you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one?

Monica: We can’t split them up!

Chandler: Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they’ll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that’s a great day for everybody.

Monica: Okay, what if the person who adopts the other one is horrible?

Chandler: What if they’re not? What if it’s adopted by a king?

Monica: Yeah, because I hear the king is looking to adopt.

Chandler: Monica, we are not ready to have two babies!

Monica: That doesn’t matter! We have waited so long for this. I don’t care if it’s two babies. I don’t care if it’s three babies! I don’t care if the entire cast of “Eight is Enough” comes out of there! We are taking them home, because they are our children!

Chandler: (smiles) Okay. Shhh…

(He hugs her.)

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay!

Doctor: It looks like we’re about ready over here.

(Monica and Chandler run back to Erica’s bed.)

Doctor: Come on, Erica, start pushing again now.

Erica: Ow!

(Erica screams.)

Doctor: Here she comes!

Chandler: (shocked) She? It’s a girl?

Doctor: Yeah.

Chandler: (To Monica) Well, now we have one of each! (To the doctor) And that’s enough!

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe and Joey are there.]

Ross: And then she said it was the perfect way to say goodbye.

Joey: Oh my God! What did you say?

Ross: Nothing! What do you say to that?

Phoebe: Ross, you’ve got to tell her how you feel!

Ross: No way!

Joey: You can’t just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do?

Ross: What?

Joey: Dude, I’m just trying to speak your language.

Phoebe: Ross, Rachel doesn’t know that you wanna get back together. If she did, she might feel differently. She might not even go.

Ross: You really think so?

Phoebe: I’m telling you! Oh, okay! This is the part of the musical where there’d be a really good convincing song. (Singing) “Bam-bam, don’t take no for an answer. Bam-bam, don’t let love fly away. Bam-bam-bam-bam…”

(Rachel enters and interrupts Phoebe’s song.)

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Can’t a girl finish a song around here?

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hi! So I just dropped Emma off at my mom’s.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: Oh, you’re not taking her with you tonight?

Rachel: No, we decided that I would go ahead and set up first, and then my mom would bring Emma to Paris on Sunday.

Phoebe: Wow, eight hour flight with a one-year old? Good luck, mom.

Rachel: Are you kidding? Eight hours with my mother talking about Atkins? Good luck, Emma!

(Rachel walks up to the counter.)

Ross: Alright, you know what? You’re right. I should at least tell her how I feel.

(He stands up.)

Joey: Ross, wait!

Ross: What? What?

Joey: Could you get me a muffin?

(Ross walks up to Rachel, but Gunther gets there first.)

Gunther: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah?

Gunther: I… I know you’re leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you.

(Ross is shocked.)

Gunther: I… I don’t know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.

Rachel: (touched) Gunther… Oh… I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I’m in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I’ll think of you. Aw.

(She kisses him on the cheek and looks over at the others.)

Rachel: Oh… Bye guys.

(Rachel leaves.)

Ross: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Unbelievable!

Joey: Hey, you know what might help?

Ross: I’m not getting you a muffin!

[Scene: The hospital. Monica and Chandler are holding the twins, while two nurses are taking care of Erica.]

Monica: Do you think they recognize each other from in there?

Chandler: Maybe. Unless they’re like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day they’re pushed through a vagina and they meet.

Nurse: We’re going to take Erica to recovery now.

Monica: There’s something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica.

Erica: Oh my God, that’s just like my name!

Monica: Son of a gun, it is!

Erica: Anyway, I’m gonna go and get some rest. I’m really glad I picked you guys. You’re gonna make great parents. Even Chandler.

Monica: Okay, well, bye!

Erica: Bye!

Chandler: Bye!

Monica: We’ll call you!

Erica: Okay.

Chandler: Have fun at church-camp!

(The nurses take Erica to the recovery room. Monica and Chandler smile at each other.)

Monica: Oh, look at these little bunnies!

Chandler: I know! You ready to trade?

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Alright, let’s see..

(They start trying to trade babies while holding one each. They have no idea how to do it, so they just shift the babies around in their arms. They give up pretty quickly.)

Chandler: We could trade later.

Monica: Yeah, I’m good.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Joey and Phoebe are there. There is a white crib decorated with balloons in the middle of the apartment. Also, there are boxes all over the apartment. Joey is working on something on the coffee table.]

Phoebe: Hey, what are you working on?

Joey: It’s a… It’s a “welcome home” sign for the baby.

(He holds up a white poster with huge red letters. It reads, “Welcome Home Baby.” There is also a huge red stain on the left of the poster.)

Phoebe: How sweet! Oh, is that the baby?

(She points at the stain.)

Joey: No, I sat in the paint.

(Ross enters with a gift for the baby.)

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. So, did you talk to Rachel?

Ross: No, and I’m not going to.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Why not?

Ross: Because she’s just going to shoot me down. You guys saw what happened with Gunther. That did not look like fun.

Phoebe: How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean, sure, he’s sexy in a more obvious way. You have a relationship with her, you slept together last night.

Ross: Yeah, and she still wants to go! It’s pretty clear where she is.

Joey: Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, sometimes…

(He sits down in the wet paint again.)

Phoebe: Uh, Joe?

Joey: Damn it!

Ross: Look, even if I were gonna tell her, I don’t have to do it now. Okay? I’ll be seeing her again. We’ve got time.

Phoebe: No, you don’t! She’s going to Paris! She is going to meet somebody. Do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It’s… It’s a city of Gunthers!

(Mike enters with a roll of paper in his hand.)

Mike: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! What do you have there?

Mike: Oh, I made a little something. If I had more time to work on it, it’d be better, but..

(He shows them a beautiful banner he has made. It reads, “Welcome to the World, Baby Bing.”)

Ross: Oh my God! You did that yourself?

Phoebe: Honey, that’s gorgeous!

Joey: You know, the baby can’t read, Mike!

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi! You guys, the car-service just got here. I can’t believe they’re not home yet! I have to catch my stupid plane. I wanna see the baby!

Joey: Monica just called from the cab. She said they should be here any minute. And apparently, there’s some big surprise.

Phoebe: Yeah, did she sound happy about it? ‘Cause my friend Ethel’s baby was born with a teeny, tiny beard.

(Monica enters carrying her son.)

Rachel: Oh my God!

Ross: Oh my God!

(They all walk over to see the baby.)

Rachel: Hi! Oh my gosh!

(Chandler enters carrying his daughter.)

Chandler: Hey.

(Everybody turns around.)

Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Hey.

(They turn back around to see the baby Monica’s carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn’t figured it out yet.)

Joey: (To Monica) Hey, so what is the big surprise?

Rachel: Oh.

(Joey stares at Chandler and Monica and finally puts two and two together. He gasps.)

Ross: Oh my God!

Rachel: What… What…

Ross: Okay, okay, awkward question. The hospital knows you took two, right?

Monica: Yes, it’s twins!

Ross: Oh my God.

Joey: Oh, they’re so cute! Now, what, what kinds are they?

Monica: (points at the baby she’s holding) This is a boy, (points at the baby Chandler is holding) and that’s a girl.

Chandler: Her name is Erica.

Rachel: Aw..

Joey: Hey, that pregnant girl’s name was Erica.

Chandler: Yeah. It’s a shame you two didn’t get to spend more time together.

Monica: Yeah, we named the boy Jack after dad.

Ross: Aw, he’s gonna be so happy.

Phoebe: Oh, Jack Bing. I love that. Ooh, it sounds like a ’40s newspaper guy, you know? “Jack Bing, Morning Gazette. I’m gonna blow this story wide open!”

(Chandler and Monica carry Erica and Jack over to the crib and put them down carefully.)

Rachel: Oh my gosh. Wow, so beautiful.

Mike: (To Phoebe) I want one.

Phoebe: Oh yeah? Well, tell me which one, and I’ll try slip it in my coat.

Mike: Seriously. Wanna make one of those?

Phoebe: One? How about a whole bunch?

Mike: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, we could teach them to sing, and we can be like the Von Trapp family! Only without the Nazis. Although that sounds kinda dull.

Rachel: Oh, you guys, I can’t believe this. But I’ll leave now, or I’m gonna miss my plane.

Monica: I’m just so glad you got to see the babies.

(They hug.)

Rachel: Me too. Oh, I’m just sorry I’m not gonna be around to watch you two attempt to handle this! Alright, I can’t say goodbye to you guys again. I love you all so much.

Monica: I love you.

Chandler: I love you.

Monica: Call us when you get there.

Rachel: I will. Ross, come here.

(She pulls him over to the door.)

Rachel: I just want you to know.. Last night.. I’ll never forget it.

Ross: Neither will I.

(They hug as Phoebe and Joey stare at the two of them.)

Rachel: Alright, now I really have to go. Okay. Au revoir! Oh, they’re gonna really hate me over there.

(She leaves.)

Phoebe: So, you just let her go?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Hey, maybe that’s for the best.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. You know? You just… Look, you gotta… You gotta think about last night the way she does, okay? Maybe, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye?

Phoebe: But now she’ll never know how he feels!

Joey: Maybe that’s okay. You know? Maybe, maybe it is better this way? I mean, now, now you can move on. I mean, you’ve been trying to for so long, maybe now that you’re on different continents.. (Looks at Phoebe) Right?

(Phoebe nods.)

Joey: Maybe now you can actually do it. You know? You can finally get over her.

Ross: Yeah, that’s true. Except I don’t wanna get over her.

Joey: What?

Ross: I don’t! I wanna be with her.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Yeah, I’m gonna go after her.

Joey: Yeah, you are!

Phoebe: Woo!

(Monica and Chandler look shocked as Ross goes to leave.)

Phoebe: Wait, wait! Get your coat! Get your coat!

Ross: My coat…

Joey: This is so cool!

Chandler: I have no idea what’s going on, but I am excited!

Joey: But Ross, Ross. What do you, what do you think she’s going to say?

Ross: I don’t know, but I.. Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won’t spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where – where is my coat?!

Phoebe: You didn’t bring one! My cab’s downstairs, I’ll drive you to the airport.

Ross: Okay, guys, wish me luck.

Phoebe: Hurry!

Joey: Good luck, good luck!

(Phoebe and Ross leave.)

[Scene: The street right in front of Central Perk. Phoebe’s cab is there. Ross and Phoebe run over and jump in.]

Ross: There’s no seatbelt!

Phoebe: That’s okay. If – if we hit anything, the engine will explode, so you know, it’s better if you’re thrown from the car.

(Ross looks terrified.)

Ross: Alright, alright, let’s do this!

Phoebe: Okay!

(A guy comes up and gets into the backseat of the cab.)

Ross: Hey!

Man: 18th and East End.

Phoebe: I – I don’t take passengers.

Man: Hey! The law says you have to accept any fare.

Ross: No, you don’t understand. This isn’t a real cab.

Man: Alright, I gotta report you. What’s your medallion number?

Phoebe: My medallion number is, “Get out of the cab!”

Man: What?

Ross: (screaming) Get out of the cab!

Phoebe: Get out of the cab!

(The man jumps out, obviously a little scared. Phoebe drives off.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Monica, Chandler and Joey are there, packing the last boxes.]

Joey: Oh, hey, hey, can I give you guys your house-warming present now?

Monica: Now, that you can do.

Joey: Alright!

(Cut to Joey’s apartment. Joey looks inside the cardboard box that used to be the home of Chick Jr. and Duck Jr., but they have disappeared.)

Joey: Ah… Chick Jr.? Duck Jr.? Don’t hide from mama!

[Scene: Phoebe’s cab. Phoebe is driving very fast, and a terrified Ross has closed his eyes.]

Phoebe: You can open your eyes now.

Ross: Are we off the bridge?

Phoebe: Yes.

Ross: Is the old woman on the bicycle still alive?

Phoebe: Yes, she jumped right back up.

(Ross opens his eyes.)

Ross: Oh my God, Phoebe, slow down!

Phoebe: Do you wanna get to Rachel in time?

Ross: Yes, but I don’t wanna die in your cab!

Phoebe: You should have thought of that before you got in!

(They drive up to a toll-booth.)

Phoebe: Toll-booth.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: (screaming) Toll-booth! Four bucks. There are quarters in the glove compartment.

(Ross tries to open a plastic bag filled with quarters, but he’s quite slow.)

Phoebe: Hurry!

Ross: Okay!

Phoebe: Okay.

(Phoebe tries to throw some quarters out the window, but she has forgotten to open the window, and she and Ross scream.)

Phoebe: Damn, that window is clean.

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Joey is still looking for the birds.]

Joey: Quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, quack…

(Monica and Chandler enter.)

Chandler: We were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this.

Joey: Okay, I wanted to surprise you, but for your house-warming gift, I got you a baby-chick and a baby-duck!

(Chandler grins, while Monica is less enthusiastic.)

Chandler: Really? You got us a chick and a duck?

Monica: Oh, great! Just what you want for a new house with infants. Bird feces.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, they must have jumped off the table, ’cause now they’re gone!

Chandler: Oh, don’t worry, we’ll find them.

Monica: Actually, I’m gonna go check on the twins.

Chandler: Alright.

(Monica turns around and is about to leave when she steps on something.)

Monica: Oh God! What did I just step on?

Joey: Oh!

Chandler: It’s okay, it’s just an egg roll.

Monica: Oh..

Joey: You stepped on my egg roll?

Monica: I’m sorry, I didn’t know to look for Chinese food on the floor.

Joey: Just put it on a plate and leave.

(She does so.)

Chandler: Okay, let’s find these birds.

Joey: Alright.

(Suddenly, they hear the birds.)

Joey: Wait, wait. Do you hear that?

(They realise that the birds are in the foosball table.)

Joey: Oh! They’re in the table!

Chandler: Well, that can’t be good!

Joey: We gotta get them out of there!

Chandler: How?

Joey: Oh, oh! Maybe we can lure them out. You know any birdcalls?

Chandler: Oh, tons, I’m quite the woodsman.

Joey: Well, maybe we can just tip the table a little.

Chandler: Joey, wait! The ball!

Joey: Oh!

(The ball rolls into one of the goals, and Chandler and Joey listen in horror as the ball makes its way inside the table. Finally, they can hear the birds again.)

Joey: Oh God! So what do we do?

Chandler: I don’t know. Maybe we can open this up somehow.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: No… It’s all glued together.

Joey: Does that mean we have to bust it open?

Chandler: I don’t know. Maybe.

Joey: Oh my God!

Chandler: I know! It’s.. It’s the foosball table.

Joey: All right, you know what? We don’t have a choice. It’s like I would have said in that sci-fi movie if I’d gotten the part. “Those are our men in there, we have to get them out! Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine.”

Chandler: Did that movie ever get made?

Joey: It did not.

[Scene: The airport. Ross and Phoebe run in.]

Phoebe: Ross, where are you going?

Ross: To talk to Rachel, isn’t that why we took a ride in the death-cab?

Phoebe: What? What are you just gonna walk up to her at the gate? Have you never chased anyone through the airport before?

Ross: Not since my cop-show got cancelled.

Phoebe: You have to get a ticket to get past security.

Ross: What? We’re never gonna make it!

Phoebe: Not with that attitude! Now, haul ass!

(They run to the ticket counter, but they get stuck behind a group of old people who are walking very slowly.)

Ross: Okay, if you could all walk slower, that’d be great.

[Scene: The gate. Rachel walks up to the man at the gate and gives him her passport.]

Gate attendant #1: (with a French accent) Madame, your passport please?

Rachel: Oh my God! I was so afraid I wasn’t gonna remember any of my high-school French, but I understood every word you just said!

Gate attendant #1: Your boarding pass, please.

Rachel: Oh.

(She starts looking through her purse, but she can’t find it.)

Rachel: Oh, shoot. I had it. Oh, I can’t believe this.

Gate attendant #1: Madame, if you don’t have your boarding pass…

Rachel: I have it, I have it, I have it. Oh, okay, I can’t find it, but I remember that I was in seat 32C, because that’s my bra-size.

Gate attendant #1: Madame, you must have your boarding pass..

Rachel: Okay, fine! But you know what? If I was in 36D, we would not be having this problem.

[Scene: The ticket-counter. Ross and Phoebe come running.]

Ross: Hey, I need a ticket.

Phoebe: Just one? I drive you all the way down here, and I don’t get to see how it works out?

Ross: Fine, two tickets, I need two tickets.

Phoebe: We’re on our honeymoon.

Ticket agent: And the destination?

Ross: I don’t care. Whatever is the cheapest.

Phoebe: I’m so lucky I married you.

[Scene: The gate. Rachel is still searching for her boarding pass.]

Rachel: Oh! Shoot! Damn it! Where is it? Oh! Oh! I found it! I found it!

(She runs up to the gate and the gate attendant standing there.)

Rachel: Hah! I found it! I told you I would find it! In your face! You’re a different person.

[Scene: The ticket-counter. Ross and Phoebe have their tickets and start looking at the screens in order to find the gate.]

Ross: Okay, flight 421 to Paris. I don’t see it, do you see it?

Phoebe: No, did we miss it?

Ross: No, no, no. That’s impossible. It doesn’t leave for another 20 minutes.

Phoebe: Maybe we have the flight-number wrong. God.

(Phoebe picks up her cell-phone and calls Monica. Monica is still packing in her apartment.)

Monica: Hello.

Phoebe: Hey, it’s me. Here’s Ross.

Ross: What? Hey, hey, listen..

(Monica is standing by the crib, and she’s looking at her babies.)

Monica: Oh my God! Ross, you wouldn’t believe the cute little noises the twins are making. Listen.

(She holds the phone down to the twins.)

Ross: Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..?

Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Shoot, they were doing it before.

Ross: That’s alright. Listen, listen.

Monica: Oh, wait, wait, wait! Here they go again.

(She holds down the phone to the twins again.)

Ross: Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..?

Monica: Isn’t that cute?

Ross: That is precious! Listen! I need Rachel’s flight information.

Monica: Oh, okay. Alright, it’s flight 421. Leaves at 8:40.

Ross: Yes, that’s what I have. It’s not on the board.

Monica: That’s what it says here. Flight 421, leaves at 8:40, Newark airport.

Ross: What?

Monica: Newark airport. Why, where are you?

Ross: JFK.

(Ross sadly hangs up the phone, while Phoebe looks at him. Cut to Rachel at the gate. She gives her boarding pass to the gate attendant, and she goes onboard. The gate attendant closes the door and locks it.)

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Joey and Chandler are still trying to get the birds out of the foosball-table.]

Joey: (yelling) Don’t worry, you guys, we’re gonna get you out of there.

Chandler: And we’re also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids.

(Joey picks up a hammer and a crowbar and gets ready to destroy the table.)

Joey: Okay. Here goes.

Chandler: What’s the matter?

Joey: I need to say goodbye to the table first.

Chandler: I understand.

Joey: Okay. Table, you have given us so many great times. And you guys, Jordan, Victor, Joel… All of you guys. What can I say? You guys make us look good. You wanna say anything?

Chandler: I don’t know. Except that, for one last time… (he touches the players as he says the following) Good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game.

Joey: Okay, here we go. I can’t do it.

Chandler: Well, I can’t do it either.

(Monica enters.)

Monica: Hey! Did you find them?

Joey: Yeah, they’re stuck inside the table!

Chandler: We have to bust it open, but neither of us can do it!

Monica: Oh, well sure. This gotta be so hard. I’ll do it. Gimme!

(Monica grabs the hammer and the crowbar and gets ready to bust it open.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s cab. She’s driving faster than ever before.]

Ross: Phoebe! Wow! No, no, no!

(Phoebe screams.)

Phoebe: Well, I’ve never gone this fast before.

Ross: Phoebe, forget it, okay? Newark is – is like an hour away. There’s no way we’re gonna make it in time.

Phoebe: She’s got her cell, you could call her.

Ross: I am not doing this over the phone.

Phoebe: You don’t have any other choice!

(She lets go of the steering wheel to get her cell-phone from her purse. Ross screams and reaches over in order to hold onto the wheel. Cut to the plane. Rachel is sitting in her seat when her cell-phone rings.)

Rachel: Hello?

Phoebe: Rachel? Oh, good. Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: (To Ross) For what it’s worth, we would have caught her if we were at the right airport.

Ross: Yay.

Phoebe: Uh, Rach, hang on.

(Phoebe tries to give her phone to Ross, but he won’t take it. He mouths “no.”)

Rachel: Phoebe? Is everything okay?

Phoebe: Uhm, actually no. No, you’ve… You have to get off the plane.

Rachel: What? Why?

Phoebe: I have this feeling that something’s wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left Philange.

Rachel: Oh, honey, I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with the plane.

(The passenger in the seat next to Rachel looks at her and seems a little nervous.)

Rachel: Alright, look, I have to go. I love you, and I will call you the minute I get to Paris.

(Rachel hangs up.)

Passenger #1: Uhm, what was that?

Rachel: Oh, that was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane, because she had a feeling that there was something wrong with the left Philange.

Passenger #1: Okay, that doesn’t sound good.

Rachel: I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s always coming up with stuff like this, and you know what? She’s almost never right.

Passenger #1: But she is sometimes.

Rachel: Well…

(The passenger stands up and gets his suitcase from the overhead compartment.)

Rachel: Wait, what are you doing?

Passenger #1: Well, I can’t take this plane now.

Air stewardess: Excuse me, sir, where are you going?

Passenger #1: I have to get off this plane, okay? Her friend has a feeling something’s wrong with the left Philange.

Rachel: Could I get some peanuts?

Passenger #2: What’s wrong with the plane?

Air stewardess: There’s nothing wrong with the plane.

Passenger #1: Yeah! The left Philange!

Air stewardess: There is no Philange!

Passenger #1: Oh my God. This plane doesn’t even have a Philange!

Passenger #2: I’m not flying on it!

Air stewardess: Ma’am, please sit down!

Passenger #3: What’s going on?

Passenger #1: We’re all getting off. There is no Philange!

(Everybody walks out of the plane.)

Rachel: This is ridiculous! I…

(She notices that everybody is leaving.)

Rachel: Yeah, okay.

(Rachel leaves as well.)

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Monica has completely destroyed the foosball-table, and Chandler and Joey are holding the birds.]

Monica: Alright. My job here is done.

Chandler: That was… Impressive.

Joey: Yeah, you didn’t even use the tools for most of it!

Monica: Yeah, they were just slowing me down. Alright, I have to get back to the babies. I’ll see you girls later.

(Monica leaves.)

Chandler: Sorry about the table, man.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: You gonna buy a new one?

Joey: Probably not. Nah. I don’t know how much I’m gonna wanna play after you go.

Chandler: Well, at least we got these little guys out.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Aww, we were worried about you! Hm. I guess I better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh?

Joey: I’m gonna miss these little guys. It was nice having birds around again.

Chandler: Hey, you know what? Maybe we should keep them here with you.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Yeah, I mean we’ve got a lot going on right now. And, plus, here they’d have their own room.

Joey: I could get a goose!

Chandler: You know, I – I think you’re set with the poultry.

Joey: Thanks man. Did you hear that, you guys? You’re gonna get to stay here! And, and it’s good, you know, ’cause, ’cause now you have a reason to come visit.

Chandler: I think there may be another reason. So, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake?

Joey: Uh, lame cool guy handshake, yeah.

(They do the lame cool guy handshake. They look at each other, and then they hug.)

[Scene: The gate at the airport. The passengers are standing in line, and they’re about to board the plane again.]

Gate attendant #2: Ma’am, I assure you, the plane is fine.

Passenger #2: And you fixed the Philange?

Gate attendant #2: Yes, the Philange is fixed. As a matter of fact, we put a whole lot of extra Philanges onboard, just in case.

(Rachel walks up to the gate. Cut to Ross and Phoebe who come running up to the gate.)

Ross: Where is she?

Phoebe: I don’t see her.

Ross: Rachel! Rachel Green!

Phoebe: There she is!

Ross: Rachel! Rachel!

Gate attendant #2: Wow, excuse me, sir, do you have a boarding pass?

Ross: No, no, I just have to talk to someone.

Gate attendant #2: I’m sorry, you cannot go any further without a boarding pass.

Ross: No, no, no, but…

Phoebe: (screaming) RACHEL!!

(Rachel comes back to the gate.)

Rachel: Oh my God… What.. What are you guys doing here?

Phoebe: Okay, you’re on.

Rachel: What? What? Ross, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?

Ross: Okay, the thing is..

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: Don’t go.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Please, please stay with me. I am so in love with you. Please, don’t go.

Rachel: Oh my God.

Ross: I know, I know. I shouldn’t have waited ’till now to say it, but I’m.. That was stupid, okay? I’m sorry, but I’m telling you now. I love you. Do not get on this plane.

Gate attendant #2: Miss? Are you boarding the plane?

Ross: Hey, hey. I know you love me. I know you do.

Gate attendant #2: Miss?

Rachel: I – I have to get on the plane.

Ross: No, you don’t.

Rachel: Yes, I do.

Ross: No, you don’t.

Rachel: They’re waiting for me, Ross. I can’t do this right now, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Ross: Rachel?

Rachel: I’m so sorry.

(She boards the plane.)

Ross: I really thought she’d stay.

Phoebe: I’m sorry.

(Phoebe hugs Ross.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Joey, Chandler, Monica and the twins are there. Everything has been put into boxes.]

Monica: Well, that’s it. Everything’s packed.

Chandler: Wow, this is weird.

Monica: I know.

Joey: Yeah. Uh, does this mean there’s nothing to eat?

Monica: I put three lasagnas in your freezer.

Joey: I love you!

(He hugs her. Phoebe enters.)

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: So did you guys make it in time?

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway.

Chandler: Where’s Ross?

Phoebe: He went home. He didn’t want to see anybody.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Ross enters and checks his messages.]

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Ross, hi. It’s me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It’s just that I wasn’t expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you’re there and saying these things… And… And now I’m just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn’t. I mean, I didn’t even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I’ve gotta see you. I’ve gotta get off this plane.

Ross: Oh my God!

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Excuse me?

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) Miss? Please, sit down!

Rachel: (on the answering machine) I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love love them.

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) Miss, I can’t let you off the plane.

Ross: Let her off the plane!

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Oh, please, miss, you don’t understand!

Ross: Try to understand!

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Oh, come on, miss, isn’t there any way that you can just let me off…

(The message is finished. Ross jumps over to the answering machine.)

Ross: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?

Rachel: I got off the plane.

Ross: You got off the plane.

(He walks over and kisses her.)

Rachel: I do love you.

Ross: I love you too, and I’m never letting you go again.

Rachel: Okay. ‘Cause this is where I wanna be, okay? No more messing around. I don’t wanna mess this up again.

Ross: Me neither, okay? We are – we’re done being stupid.

Rachel: Okay. You and me, alright? This is it.

Ross: This is it. Unless we’re on a break.

(Rachel gives him a look.)

Ross: Don’t make jokes now.

(They kiss again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler and Monica are holding the twins. Joey and Phoebe are sitting by the window, while Ross and Rachel are standing together. The apartment is completely empty. Two men are carrying a large dresser.]

Monica: Okay, please be careful with that. It was my grandmother’s. Be careful.

(Two other men are rolling the big white dog out of the apartment.)

Monica: If that falls off the truck, it wouldn’t be the worst thing.

(She slips them some money.)

Ross: Wow.

Rachel: I know. It seems smaller somehow.

Joey: Has it always been purple?

Chandler: (to his children) Look around, you guys. This was your first home. And it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. But more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin’ steal!

(Monica and Chandler put Jack and Erica in their stroller.)

Phoebe: Hey, do you realise that at one time or another we all lived in this apartment?

Monica: Oh, yeah, that’s true.

Ross: Uh, I haven’t.

Monica: Wait a minute. What about that summer during college that you lived with grandma, and you tried to make it as a dancer?

Ross: Do you realise we almost made it ten years without that coming up?

Monica: Oh, honey, I forgot. I promised Treeger that we’d leave our keys.

Chandler: Oh, okay.

(Chandler and Monica walk over to the kitchen-counter and leave their keys. Then the other four pick out their keys and leave them as well.)

Phoebe: So, I guess this is it.

Joey: Yeah. I guess so.

Monica: (crying) This is harder than I thought it would be.

Chandler: Oh, it’s gonna be okay.

(Chandler hugs her. Monica hugs Ross and Rachel as Chandler gets the stroller with the twins.)

Rachel: (crying) Do you guys have to go to the new house right away, or do you have some time?

Monica: We got some time.

Rachel: Okay, should we get some coffee?

Chandler: Sure. Where?

(They all leave the apartment. Joey helps Chandler with the stroller in the hallway, while Monica and Rachel have their arms around each other. Everybody walks downstairs to Central Perk. The camera goes inside the apartment again, and it pans around. We see the keys on the counter, and the final shot is of the frame around the peephole. The screen fades to black.)

THE END

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Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Directed by: Kevin Bright
Transcribed by: Kreidy

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. It’s a scene from 1016 TOW Rachel’s Going Away Party.]

Jennifer Aniston (V.O.): Previously on Friends.

Monica: Erica, are you okay?

Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach-aches. They come and go like every few minutes.

Monica: Oh my God!

Chandler: Relax! We’ll just get her some antacids.

Monica: She doesn’t have a stomach-ache. She’s in labor!

Chandler: Oh my God!

[Cut to Ross’s apartment. Ross and Rachel are there. It’s another scene from 1016 TOW Rachel’s Going Away Party.]

Rachel: So if you think I didn’t say goodbye to you because you don’t mean as much to me as everybody else, you’re wrong. It’s because you mean more to me.

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: What?!

(He walks over and kisses her. They pull back, Rachel looks at him, and they kiss again.)

[Scene: Ross’s bedroom. Rachel is putting on her shoes as Ross shows up from underneath the covers.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Shh.. Go back to sleep. I have to go home.

Ross: Oh. This was amazing.

Rachel: It really was. You’ve learned some new moves!

Ross: Yeah, well, this guy at work gave me “Sex for Dummies” as a joke.

Rachel: Ah.

Ross: Who’s laughing now?

Rachel: I know!

(They kiss.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: The delivery room at the hospital. Monica, Chandler and Erica are there. Erica is in labor, and she is breathing heavily.]

Monica: Breathe, breathe, breathe… Good.

Chandler: Next time, can I say breathe?

Monica: No, last time you said it like Dracula, and it scared her! Can I get you anything? You want some more ice chips?

Erica: No, I’m okay.

Monica: Alright, I’ll be right back.

Chandler: Where are you going?

Monica: To use the bathroom.

Chandler: You can’t leave me alone with her.

Monica: What?

Chandler: This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with!

Monica: What kind of social situation are you comfortable with?

Chandler: It’s just that we’ve never spent any time, you know, alone together.

Monica: You’ll be fine. Nah, you won’t, but I’ll be back in two minutes.

Chandler: Okay.

(Monica leaves, and Chandler closes the door. Erica just looks at him.)

Chandler: So, ah… Any plans for the summer?

Erica: I don’t know. Maybe church-camp?

Chandler: Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts?

Erica: What?

Chandler: Well, it’s just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both.

(Erica just looks at him like he’s crazy.)

Chandler: One of life’s great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there’s something even more painful than those things? Like this.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters. Joey is holding a baby duck.]

Phoebe: Morning.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: What’s that?

Joey: It’s my house-warming present for Monica and Chandler.

Phoebe: It’s a baby chick and duck!

Joey: Uh-huh. And I named them Chick Jr. and Duck Jr.

Phoebe: I did not see that coming.

Joey: Yeah, I figure they’ll love it at the new house, you know? It has that big backyard. And then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that Chandler took the other chick and duck to.

Phoebe: Yes.

Joey: Yeah. It’s a shame people can’t visit there.

Phoebe: That is the rule, though.

(Ross enters.)

Phoebe: Guess what? You’re almost an uncle!

Ross: What?

Joey: Yeah, Erica went into labor last night. Monica and Chandler are at the hospital right now!

Ross: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, and I have a definite feeling it’s gonna be a girl.

Ross: Phoebe, you were sure Ben was gonna be a girl.

Phoebe: Have you seen him throw a ball?

Ross: Is Rachel here?

Joey: Uh, I think she’s still asleep. Hey, hey, how did it go with you guys last night? She seemed pretty pissed at you.

Ross: Uh, we, y’know, we worked things out.

Phoebe: What’s that smile? Did something happen with you two?

Ross: Hey, I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I’m also not one to have sex and shut up. We totally did it!

Joey: Oh my God. You and Rachel?

Ross: I know, it’s pretty great.

Joey: So what does that mean? Are you guys getting back together?

Ross: Oh, I.. I don’t know. We didn’t really get to talk.

Phoebe: But do you wanna get back together?

Ross: I don’t know. It was incredible. I mean, it just felt so right. When I was holding her, I mean, I never wanted to let her go. You know what? Yeah, I do. I wanna be together.

Phoebe: (screaming) YAY!

Ross: Shhh!

Phoebe: (quietly) Yay!

Joey: So, so is she still going to Paris?

Ross: Wow, I hadn’t thought of that. I hope not.

Phoebe: Oh, this is like the best day ever. Ever! You guys might get back together, Monica and Chandler are getting their baby, there are chicks and ducks in the world again! Oh, I feel like I’m in a musical! (Singing) “Daa – raa… When the sun comes up, bright and beaming! And the moon comes…”

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Morning!

Phoebe: Guess we’ll never know how it ends.

Joey: Okay.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey. How did you sleep?

Rachel: Good. You?

Ross: Good.

Joey: I bet you did!

Ross: Uh. Would you guys mind giving us a minute?

Joey: Sure, yeah. Will you just keep an eye on the chick and the duck?

Rachel: Chick and the duck? Didn’t they die…

Phoebe: (interrupting) Dive. Yeah, they dove head-first into fun on the farm.

(Joey and Phoebe leave.)

Ross: So…

(He kisses her.)

Ross: Morning.

Rachel: You too. Last night was just wonderful.

Ross: It really was.

Rachel: I woke up today with the biggest smile on my face.

Ross: I know, me too. It was… You know, it was like one of those things you think is never gonna happen, and then it does, and it’s everything you want it to be.

Rachel: Uh-huh. I know. It was just, it was just the perfect way to say goodbye. (She hugs him, and Ross looks crushed.)

[Scene: The Hospital. Erica is moaning and about to give birth. Monica, Chandler, a nurse and a doctor are there with her.]

Monica: It’s just a little bit more, honey.

Erica: Help me! This hurts!

Chandler: Is it really that bad?

Erica: Uh-huh! I think it’s time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse!

(Monica gives Chandler a look.)

Doctor: The baby’s head is crowning.

(Monica walks down to Erica’s legs to watch the birth.)

Monica: Oh! Oh my God! That is the most beautiful top of a head I have ever seen! Chandler, you have to see this!

(Chandler is standing by Erica’s head.)

Chandler: I’m okay.

Monica: Chandler, you don’t wanna miss this. This is the birth of your child! It’s the miracle of life!

Chandler: Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle.

Doctor: Start pushing. Here we go. Here come the shoulders…

(The baby starts crying, and the doctor holds it up.)

Monica: It’s a… It’s a boy!

Chandler: Wow!

Erica: Is he okay?

Doctor: He’s just fine.

Monica: Oh, you did it!

Chandler: (emotional) It’s a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I’m gonna pretend I don’t see.

Doctor: Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?

(A nurse gives Monica a pair of scissors. Monica gives it to Chandler, and they cut it together.)

Chandler: Well, that’s spongy.

Monica: (to her son) Oh, hey handsome! Oh, I’m gonna love you so much that no woman is ever gonna be good enough for you! (To Chandler, on the verge of tears) Oh, we are so lucky!

Chandler: I know. He has your eyes.

(Monica looks at him.)

Chandler: I mean, I know that’s not possible, but he does.

Nurse: We’ll just get him cleaned up a bit.

(The doctor hands the boy to the nurse, and she walks over to another part of the room with him.)

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (To Erica) Oh my God, he’s beautiful. Thank you so much.

Erica: I’m really happy for you guys.

Chandler: How do you feel?

Erica: I’m tired!

Doctor: Well, you don’t have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute.

(Chandler stares at the doctor, completely shocked. Monica just freezes and turns around slowly.)

Monica: I… I’m sorry, who should be along in a what now?

Doctor: The next baby should be along in a minute.

Monica: We only ordered one!

Doctor: You know it’s twins, right?

Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: The hospital. Continued from earlier.]

Doctor: I can’t believe you didn’t know it’s twins! This has never happened before.

Chandler: Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good.

Monica: (to the doctor) Wait, did you know it was twins?

Doctor: Yeah, it’s here in the paperwork we got from the clinic in Ohio.

Monica: (to Erica) Anybody tell you?

Erica: I don’t think so. Although, they did mention something about two heartbeats. But I thought that was just mine and the baby’s. They kept saying both heartbeats are really strong, and I thought well, that’s good ’cause I’m having a baby.

Monica: This is unbelievable.

Erica: Twins actually run in my family.

Chandler: Interesting! (To Monica) Can I see you for a second?

(They walk over to the door.)

Chandler: What do we do?

Monica: What do you mean “what do we do”?

Chandler: (panicking) Twins! Twins!!

Monica: Chandler, you’re panicking!

Chandler: Uh-huh! Join me, won’t you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one?

Monica: We can’t split them up!

Chandler: Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they’ll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that’s a great day for everybody.

Monica: Okay, what if the person who adopts the other one is horrible?

Chandler: What if they’re not? What if it’s adopted by a king?

Monica: Yeah, because I hear the king is looking to adopt.

Chandler: Monica, we are not ready to have two babies!

Monica: That doesn’t matter! We have waited so long for this. I don’t care if it’s two babies. I don’t care if it’s three babies! I don’t care if the entire cast of “Eight is Enough” comes out of there! We are taking them home, because they are our children!

Chandler: (smiles) Okay. Shhh…

(He hugs her.)

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay!

Doctor: It looks like we’re about ready over here.

(Monica and Chandler run back to Erica’s bed.)

Doctor: Come on, Erica, start pushing again now.

Erica: Ow!

(Erica screams.)

Doctor: Here she comes!

Chandler: (shocked) She? It’s a girl?

Doctor: Yeah.

Chandler: (To Monica) Well, now we have one of each! (To the doctor) And that’s enough!

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe and Joey are there.]

Ross: And then she said it was the perfect way to say goodbye.

Joey: Oh my God! What did you say?

Ross: Nothing! What do you say to that?

Phoebe: Ross, you’ve got to tell her how you feel!

Ross: No way!

Joey: You can’t just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do?

Ross: What?

Joey: Dude, I’m just trying to speak your language.

Phoebe: Ross, Rachel doesn’t know that you wanna get back together. If she did, she might feel differently. She might not even go.

Ross: You really think so?

Phoebe: I’m telling you! Oh, okay! This is the part of the musical where there’d be a really good convincing song. (Singing) “Bam-bam, don’t take no for an answer. Bam-bam, don’t let love fly away. Bam-bam-bam-bam…”

(Rachel enters and interrupts Phoebe’s song.)

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Can’t a girl finish a song around here?

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hi! So I just dropped Emma off at my mom’s.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: Oh, you’re not taking her with you tonight?

Rachel: No, we decided that I would go ahead and set up first, and then my mom would bring Emma to Paris on Sunday.

Phoebe: Wow, eight hour flight with a one-year old? Good luck, mom.

Rachel: Are you kidding? Eight hours with my mother talking about Atkins? Good luck, Emma!

(Rachel walks up to the counter.)

Ross: Alright, you know what? You’re right. I should at least tell her how I feel.

(He stands up.)

Joey: Ross, wait!

Ross: What? What?

Joey: Could you get me a muffin?

(Ross walks up to Rachel, but Gunther gets there first.)

Gunther: Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah?

Gunther: I… I know you’re leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you.

(Ross is shocked.)

Gunther: I… I don’t know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.

Rachel: (touched) Gunther… Oh… I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I’m in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I’ll think of you. Aw.

(She kisses him on the cheek and looks over at the others.)

Rachel: Oh… Bye guys.

(Rachel leaves.)

Ross: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Unbelievable!

Joey: Hey, you know what might help?

Ross: I’m not getting you a muffin!

[Scene: The hospital. Monica and Chandler are holding the twins, while two nurses are taking care of Erica.]

Monica: Do you think they recognize each other from in there?

Chandler: Maybe. Unless they’re like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day they’re pushed through a vagina and they meet.

Nurse: We’re going to take Erica to recovery now.

Monica: There’s something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica.

Erica: Oh my God, that’s just like my name!

Monica: Son of a gun, it is!

Erica: Anyway, I’m gonna go and get some rest. I’m really glad I picked you guys. You’re gonna make great parents. Even Chandler.

Monica: Okay, well, bye!

Erica: Bye!

Chandler: Bye!

Monica: We’ll call you!

Erica: Okay.

Chandler: Have fun at church-camp!

(The nurses take Erica to the recovery room. Monica and Chandler smile at each other.)

Monica: Oh, look at these little bunnies!

Chandler: I know! You ready to trade?

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Alright, let’s see..

(They start trying to trade babies while holding one each. They have no idea how to do it, so they just shift the babies around in their arms. They give up pretty quickly.)

Chandler: We could trade later.

Monica: Yeah, I’m good.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Joey and Phoebe are there. There is a white crib decorated with balloons in the middle of the apartment. Also, there are boxes all over the apartment. Joey is working on something on the coffee table.]

Phoebe: Hey, what are you working on?

Joey: It’s a… It’s a “welcome home” sign for the baby.

(He holds up a white poster with huge red letters. It reads, “Welcome Home Baby.” There is also a huge red stain on the left of the poster.)

Phoebe: How sweet! Oh, is that the baby?

(She points at the stain.)

Joey: No, I sat in the paint.

(Ross enters with a gift for the baby.)

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. So, did you talk to Rachel?

Ross: No, and I’m not going to.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Why not?

Ross: Because she’s just going to shoot me down. You guys saw what happened with Gunther. That did not look like fun.

Phoebe: How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean, sure, he’s sexy in a more obvious way. You have a relationship with her, you slept together last night.

Ross: Yeah, and she still wants to go! It’s pretty clear where she is.

Joey: Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, sometimes…

(He sits down in the wet paint again.)

Phoebe: Uh, Joe?

Joey: Damn it!

Ross: Look, even if I were gonna tell her, I don’t have to do it now. Okay? I’ll be seeing her again. We’ve got time.

Phoebe: No, you don’t! She’s going to Paris! She is going to meet somebody. Do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It’s… It’s a city of Gunthers!

(Mike enters with a roll of paper in his hand.)

Mike: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! What do you have there?

Mike: Oh, I made a little something. If I had more time to work on it, it’d be better, but..

(He shows them a beautiful banner he has made. It reads, “Welcome to the World, Baby Bing.”)

Ross: Oh my God! You did that yourself?

Phoebe: Honey, that’s gorgeous!

Joey: You know, the baby can’t read, Mike!

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi! You guys, the car-service just got here. I can’t believe they’re not home yet! I have to catch my stupid plane. I wanna see the baby!

Joey: Monica just called from the cab. She said they should be here any minute. And apparently, there’s some big surprise.

Phoebe: Yeah, did she sound happy about it? ‘Cause my friend Ethel’s baby was born with a teeny, tiny beard.

(Monica enters carrying her son.)

Rachel: Oh my God!

Ross: Oh my God!

(They all walk over to see the baby.)

Rachel: Hi! Oh my gosh!

(Chandler enters carrying his daughter.)

Chandler: Hey.

(Everybody turns around.)

Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Hey.

(They turn back around to see the baby Monica’s carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn’t figured it out yet.)

Joey: (To Monica) Hey, so what is the big surprise?

Rachel: Oh.

(Joey stares at Chandler and Monica and finally puts two and two together. He gasps.)

Ross: Oh my God!

Rachel: What… What…

Ross: Okay, okay, awkward question. The hospital knows you took two, right?

Monica: Yes, it’s twins!

Ross: Oh my God.

Joey: Oh, they’re so cute! Now, what, what kinds are they?

Monica: (points at the baby she’s holding) This is a boy, (points at the baby Chandler is holding) and that’s a girl.

Chandler: Her name is Erica.

Rachel: Aw..

Joey: Hey, that pregnant girl’s name was Erica.

Chandler: Yeah. It’s a shame you two didn’t get to spend more time together.

Monica: Yeah, we named the boy Jack after dad.

Ross: Aw, he’s gonna be so happy.

Phoebe: Oh, Jack Bing. I love that. Ooh, it sounds like a ’40s newspaper guy, you know? “Jack Bing, Morning Gazette. I’m gonna blow this story wide open!”

(Chandler and Monica carry Erica and Jack over to the crib and put them down carefully.)

Rachel: Oh my gosh. Wow, so beautiful.

Mike: (To Phoebe) I want one.

Phoebe: Oh yeah? Well, tell me which one, and I’ll try slip it in my coat.

Mike: Seriously. Wanna make one of those?

Phoebe: One? How about a whole bunch?

Mike: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, we could teach them to sing, and we can be like the Von Trapp family! Only without the Nazis. Although that sounds kinda dull.

Rachel: Oh, you guys, I can’t believe this. But I’ll leave now, or I’m gonna miss my plane.

Monica: I’m just so glad you got to see the babies.

(They hug.)

Rachel: Me too. Oh, I’m just sorry I’m not gonna be around to watch you two attempt to handle this! Alright, I can’t say goodbye to you guys again. I love you all so much.

Monica: I love you.

Chandler: I love you.

Monica: Call us when you get there.

Rachel: I will. Ross, come here.

(She pulls him over to the door.)

Rachel: I just want you to know.. Last night.. I’ll never forget it.

Ross: Neither will I.

(They hug as Phoebe and Joey stare at the two of them.)

Rachel: Alright, now I really have to go. Okay. Au revoir! Oh, they’re gonna really hate me over there.

(She leaves.)

Phoebe: So, you just let her go?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Hey, maybe that’s for the best.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. You know? You just… Look, you gotta… You gotta think about last night the way she does, okay? Maybe, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye?

Phoebe: But now she’ll never know how he feels!

Joey: Maybe that’s okay. You know? Maybe, maybe it is better this way? I mean, now, now you can move on. I mean, you’ve been trying to for so long, maybe now that you’re on different continents.. (Looks at Phoebe) Right?

(Phoebe nods.)

Joey: Maybe now you can actually do it. You know? You can finally get over her.

Ross: Yeah, that’s true. Except I don’t wanna get over her.

Joey: What?

Ross: I don’t! I wanna be with her.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Yeah, I’m gonna go after her.

Joey: Yeah, you are!

Phoebe: Woo!

(Monica and Chandler look shocked as Ross goes to leave.)

Phoebe: Wait, wait! Get your coat! Get your coat!

Ross: My coat…

Joey: This is so cool!

Chandler: I have no idea what’s going on, but I am excited!

Joey: But Ross, Ross. What do you, what do you think she’s going to say?

Ross: I don’t know, but I.. Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won’t spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where – where is my coat?!

Phoebe: You didn’t bring one! My cab’s downstairs, I’ll drive you to the airport.

Ross: Okay, guys, wish me luck.

Phoebe: Hurry!

Joey: Good luck, good luck!

(Phoebe and Ross leave.)

[Scene: The street right in front of Central Perk. Phoebe’s cab is there. Ross and Phoebe run over and jump in.]

Ross: There’s no seatbelt!

Phoebe: That’s okay. If – if we hit anything, the engine will explode, so you know, it’s better if you’re thrown from the car.

(Ross looks terrified.)

Ross: Alright, alright, let’s do this!

Phoebe: Okay!

(A guy comes up and gets into the backseat of the cab.)

Ross: Hey!

Man: 18th and East End.

Phoebe: I – I don’t take passengers.

Man: Hey! The law says you have to accept any fare.

Ross: No, you don’t understand. This isn’t a real cab.

Man: Alright, I gotta report you. What’s your medallion number?

Phoebe: My medallion number is, “Get out of the cab!”

Man: What?

Ross: (screaming) Get out of the cab!

Phoebe: Get out of the cab!

(The man jumps out, obviously a little scared. Phoebe drives off.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Monica, Chandler and Joey are there, packing the last boxes.]

Joey: Oh, hey, hey, can I give you guys your house-warming present now?

Monica: Now, that you can do.

Joey: Alright!

(Cut to Joey’s apartment. Joey looks inside the cardboard box that used to be the home of Chick Jr. and Duck Jr., but they have disappeared.)

Joey: Ah… Chick Jr.? Duck Jr.? Don’t hide from mama!

[Scene: Phoebe’s cab. Phoebe is driving very fast, and a terrified Ross has closed his eyes.]

Phoebe: You can open your eyes now.

Ross: Are we off the bridge?

Phoebe: Yes.

Ross: Is the old woman on the bicycle still alive?

Phoebe: Yes, she jumped right back up.

(Ross opens his eyes.)

Ross: Oh my God, Phoebe, slow down!

Phoebe: Do you wanna get to Rachel in time?

Ross: Yes, but I don’t wanna die in your cab!

Phoebe: You should have thought of that before you got in!

(They drive up to a toll-booth.)

Phoebe: Toll-booth.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: (screaming) Toll-booth! Four bucks. There are quarters in the glove compartment.

(Ross tries to open a plastic bag filled with quarters, but he’s quite slow.)

Phoebe: Hurry!

Ross: Okay!

Phoebe: Okay.

(Phoebe tries to throw some quarters out the window, but she has forgotten to open the window, and she and Ross scream.)

Phoebe: Damn, that window is clean.

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Joey is still looking for the birds.]

Joey: Quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, quack…

(Monica and Chandler enter.)

Chandler: We were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this.

Joey: Okay, I wanted to surprise you, but for your house-warming gift, I got you a baby-chick and a baby-duck!

(Chandler grins, while Monica is less enthusiastic.)

Chandler: Really? You got us a chick and a duck?

Monica: Oh, great! Just what you want for a new house with infants. Bird feces.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, they must have jumped off the table, ’cause now they’re gone!

Chandler: Oh, don’t worry, we’ll find them.

Monica: Actually, I’m gonna go check on the twins.

Chandler: Alright.

(Monica turns around and is about to leave when she steps on something.)

Monica: Oh God! What did I just step on?

Joey: Oh!

Chandler: It’s okay, it’s just an egg roll.

Monica: Oh..

Joey: You stepped on my egg roll?

Monica: I’m sorry, I didn’t know to look for Chinese food on the floor.

Joey: Just put it on a plate and leave.

(She does so.)

Chandler: Okay, let’s find these birds.

Joey: Alright.

(Suddenly, they hear the birds.)

Joey: Wait, wait. Do you hear that?

(They realise that the birds are in the foosball table.)

Joey: Oh! They’re in the table!

Chandler: Well, that can’t be good!

Joey: We gotta get them out of there!

Chandler: How?

Joey: Oh, oh! Maybe we can lure them out. You know any birdcalls?

Chandler: Oh, tons, I’m quite the woodsman.

Joey: Well, maybe we can just tip the table a little.

Chandler: Joey, wait! The ball!

Joey: Oh!

(The ball rolls into one of the goals, and Chandler and Joey listen in horror as the ball makes its way inside the table. Finally, they can hear the birds again.)

Joey: Oh God! So what do we do?

Chandler: I don’t know. Maybe we can open this up somehow.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: No… It’s all glued together.

Joey: Does that mean we have to bust it open?

Chandler: I don’t know. Maybe.

Joey: Oh my God!

Chandler: I know! It’s.. It’s the foosball table.

Joey: All right, you know what? We don’t have a choice. It’s like I would have said in that sci-fi movie if I’d gotten the part. “Those are our men in there, we have to get them out! Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine.”

Chandler: Did that movie ever get made?

Joey: It did not.

[Scene: The airport. Ross and Phoebe run in.]

Phoebe: Ross, where are you going?

Ross: To talk to Rachel, isn’t that why we took a ride in the death-cab?

Phoebe: What? What are you just gonna walk up to her at the gate? Have you never chased anyone through the airport before?

Ross: Not since my cop-show got cancelled.

Phoebe: You have to get a ticket to get past security.

Ross: What? We’re never gonna make it!

Phoebe: Not with that attitude! Now, haul ass!

(They run to the ticket counter, but they get stuck behind a group of old people who are walking very slowly.)

Ross: Okay, if you could all walk slower, that’d be great.

[Scene: The gate. Rachel walks up to the man at the gate and gives him her passport.]

Gate attendant #1: (with a French accent) Madame, your passport please?

Rachel: Oh my God! I was so afraid I wasn’t gonna remember any of my high-school French, but I understood every word you just said!

Gate attendant #1: Your boarding pass, please.

Rachel: Oh.

(She starts looking through her purse, but she can’t find it.)

Rachel: Oh, shoot. I had it. Oh, I can’t believe this.

Gate attendant #1: Madame, if you don’t have your boarding pass…

Rachel: I have it, I have it, I have it. Oh, okay, I can’t find it, but I remember that I was in seat 32C, because that’s my bra-size.

Gate attendant #1: Madame, you must have your boarding pass..

Rachel: Okay, fine! But you know what? If I was in 36D, we would not be having this problem.

[Scene: The ticket-counter. Ross and Phoebe come running.]

Ross: Hey, I need a ticket.

Phoebe: Just one? I drive you all the way down here, and I don’t get to see how it works out?

Ross: Fine, two tickets, I need two tickets.

Phoebe: We’re on our honeymoon.

Ticket agent: And the destination?

Ross: I don’t care. Whatever is the cheapest.

Phoebe: I’m so lucky I married you.

[Scene: The gate. Rachel is still searching for her boarding pass.]

Rachel: Oh! Shoot! Damn it! Where is it? Oh! Oh! I found it! I found it!

(She runs up to the gate and the gate attendant standing there.)

Rachel: Hah! I found it! I told you I would find it! In your face! You’re a different person.

[Scene: The ticket-counter. Ross and Phoebe have their tickets and start looking at the screens in order to find the gate.]

Ross: Okay, flight 421 to Paris. I don’t see it, do you see it?

Phoebe: No, did we miss it?

Ross: No, no, no. That’s impossible. It doesn’t leave for another 20 minutes.

Phoebe: Maybe we have the flight-number wrong. God.

(Phoebe picks up her cell-phone and calls Monica. Monica is still packing in her apartment.)

Monica: Hello.

Phoebe: Hey, it’s me. Here’s Ross.

Ross: What? Hey, hey, listen..

(Monica is standing by the crib, and she’s looking at her babies.)

Monica: Oh my God! Ross, you wouldn’t believe the cute little noises the twins are making. Listen.

(She holds the phone down to the twins.)

Ross: Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..?

Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Shoot, they were doing it before.

Ross: That’s alright. Listen, listen.

Monica: Oh, wait, wait, wait! Here they go again.

(She holds down the phone to the twins again.)

Ross: Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..?

Monica: Isn’t that cute?

Ross: That is precious! Listen! I need Rachel’s flight information.

Monica: Oh, okay. Alright, it’s flight 421. Leaves at 8:40.

Ross: Yes, that’s what I have. It’s not on the board.

Monica: That’s what it says here. Flight 421, leaves at 8:40, Newark airport.

Ross: What?

Monica: Newark airport. Why, where are you?

Ross: JFK.

(Ross sadly hangs up the phone, while Phoebe looks at him. Cut to Rachel at the gate. She gives her boarding pass to the gate attendant, and she goes onboard. The gate attendant closes the door and locks it.)

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Joey and Chandler are still trying to get the birds out of the foosball-table.]

Joey: (yelling) Don’t worry, you guys, we’re gonna get you out of there.

Chandler: And we’re also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids.

(Joey picks up a hammer and a crowbar and gets ready to destroy the table.)

Joey: Okay. Here goes.

Chandler: What’s the matter?

Joey: I need to say goodbye to the table first.

Chandler: I understand.

Joey: Okay. Table, you have given us so many great times. And you guys, Jordan, Victor, Joel… All of you guys. What can I say? You guys make us look good. You wanna say anything?

Chandler: I don’t know. Except that, for one last time… (he touches the players as he says the following) Good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game.

Joey: Okay, here we go. I can’t do it.

Chandler: Well, I can’t do it either.

(Monica enters.)

Monica: Hey! Did you find them?

Joey: Yeah, they’re stuck inside the table!

Chandler: We have to bust it open, but neither of us can do it!

Monica: Oh, well sure. This gotta be so hard. I’ll do it. Gimme!

(Monica grabs the hammer and the crowbar and gets ready to bust it open.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s cab. She’s driving faster than ever before.]

Ross: Phoebe! Wow! No, no, no!

(Phoebe screams.)

Phoebe: Well, I’ve never gone this fast before.

Ross: Phoebe, forget it, okay? Newark is – is like an hour away. There’s no way we’re gonna make it in time.

Phoebe: She’s got her cell, you could call her.

Ross: I am not doing this over the phone.

Phoebe: You don’t have any other choice!

(She lets go of the steering wheel to get her cell-phone from her purse. Ross screams and reaches over in order to hold onto the wheel. Cut to the plane. Rachel is sitting in her seat when her cell-phone rings.)

Rachel: Hello?

Phoebe: Rachel? Oh, good. Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: (To Ross) For what it’s worth, we would have caught her if we were at the right airport.

Ross: Yay.

Phoebe: Uh, Rach, hang on.

(Phoebe tries to give her phone to Ross, but he won’t take it. He mouths “no.”)

Rachel: Phoebe? Is everything okay?

Phoebe: Uhm, actually no. No, you’ve… You have to get off the plane.

Rachel: What? Why?

Phoebe: I have this feeling that something’s wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left Philange.

Rachel: Oh, honey, I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with the plane.

(The passenger in the seat next to Rachel looks at her and seems a little nervous.)

Rachel: Alright, look, I have to go. I love you, and I will call you the minute I get to Paris.

(Rachel hangs up.)

Passenger #1: Uhm, what was that?

Rachel: Oh, that was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane, because she had a feeling that there was something wrong with the left Philange.

Passenger #1: Okay, that doesn’t sound good.

Rachel: I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s always coming up with stuff like this, and you know what? She’s almost never right.

Passenger #1: But she is sometimes.

Rachel: Well…

(The passenger stands up and gets his suitcase from the overhead compartment.)

Rachel: Wait, what are you doing?

Passenger #1: Well, I can’t take this plane now.

Air stewardess: Excuse me, sir, where are you going?

Passenger #1: I have to get off this plane, okay? Her friend has a feeling something’s wrong with the left Philange.

Rachel: Could I get some peanuts?

Passenger #2: What’s wrong with the plane?

Air stewardess: There’s nothing wrong with the plane.

Passenger #1: Yeah! The left Philange!

Air stewardess: There is no Philange!

Passenger #1: Oh my God. This plane doesn’t even have a Philange!

Passenger #2: I’m not flying on it!

Air stewardess: Ma’am, please sit down!

Passenger #3: What’s going on?

Passenger #1: We’re all getting off. There is no Philange!

(Everybody walks out of the plane.)

Rachel: This is ridiculous! I…

(She notices that everybody is leaving.)

Rachel: Yeah, okay.

(Rachel leaves as well.)

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Monica has completely destroyed the foosball-table, and Chandler and Joey are holding the birds.]

Monica: Alright. My job here is done.

Chandler: That was… Impressive.

Joey: Yeah, you didn’t even use the tools for most of it!

Monica: Yeah, they were just slowing me down. Alright, I have to get back to the babies. I’ll see you girls later.

(Monica leaves.)

Chandler: Sorry about the table, man.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: You gonna buy a new one?

Joey: Probably not. Nah. I don’t know how much I’m gonna wanna play after you go.

Chandler: Well, at least we got these little guys out.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Aww, we were worried about you! Hm. I guess I better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh?

Joey: I’m gonna miss these little guys. It was nice having birds around again.

Chandler: Hey, you know what? Maybe we should keep them here with you.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Yeah, I mean we’ve got a lot going on right now. And, plus, here they’d have their own room.

Joey: I could get a goose!

Chandler: You know, I – I think you’re set with the poultry.

Joey: Thanks man. Did you hear that, you guys? You’re gonna get to stay here! And, and it’s good, you know, ’cause, ’cause now you have a reason to come visit.

Chandler: I think there may be another reason. So, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake?

Joey: Uh, lame cool guy handshake, yeah.

(They do the lame cool guy handshake. They look at each other, and then they hug.)

[Scene: The gate at the airport. The passengers are standing in line, and they’re about to board the plane again.]

Gate attendant #2: Ma’am, I assure you, the plane is fine.

Passenger #2: And you fixed the Philange?

Gate attendant #2: Yes, the Philange is fixed. As a matter of fact, we put a whole lot of extra Philanges onboard, just in case.

(Rachel walks up to the gate. Cut to Ross and Phoebe who come running up to the gate.)

Ross: Where is she?

Phoebe: I don’t see her.

Ross: Rachel! Rachel Green!

Phoebe: There she is!

Ross: Rachel! Rachel!

Gate attendant #2: Wow, excuse me, sir, do you have a boarding pass?

Ross: No, no, I just have to talk to someone.

Gate attendant #2: I’m sorry, you cannot go any further without a boarding pass.

Ross: No, no, no, but…

Phoebe: (screaming) RACHEL!!

(Rachel comes back to the gate.)

Rachel: Oh my God… What.. What are you guys doing here?

Phoebe: Okay, you’re on.

Rachel: What? What? Ross, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?

Ross: Okay, the thing is..

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: Don’t go.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Please, please stay with me. I am so in love with you. Please, don’t go.

Rachel: Oh my God.

Ross: I know, I know. I shouldn’t have waited ’till now to say it, but I’m.. That was stupid, okay? I’m sorry, but I’m telling you now. I love you. Do not get on this plane.

Gate attendant #2: Miss? Are you boarding the plane?

Ross: Hey, hey. I know you love me. I know you do.

Gate attendant #2: Miss?

Rachel: I – I have to get on the plane.

Ross: No, you don’t.

Rachel: Yes, I do.

Ross: No, you don’t.

Rachel: They’re waiting for me, Ross. I can’t do this right now, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Ross: Rachel?

Rachel: I’m so sorry.

(She boards the plane.)

Ross: I really thought she’d stay.

Phoebe: I’m sorry.

(Phoebe hugs Ross.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Joey, Chandler, Monica and the twins are there. Everything has been put into boxes.]

Monica: Well, that’s it. Everything’s packed.

Chandler: Wow, this is weird.

Monica: I know.

Joey: Yeah. Uh, does this mean there’s nothing to eat?

Monica: I put three lasagnas in your freezer.

Joey: I love you!

(He hugs her. Phoebe enters.)

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: So did you guys make it in time?

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway.

Chandler: Where’s Ross?

Phoebe: He went home. He didn’t want to see anybody.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Ross enters and checks his messages.]

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Ross, hi. It’s me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It’s just that I wasn’t expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you’re there and saying these things… And… And now I’m just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn’t. I mean, I didn’t even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I’ve gotta see you. I’ve gotta get off this plane.

Ross: Oh my God!

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Excuse me?

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) Miss? Please, sit down!

Rachel: (on the answering machine) I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love love them.

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) Miss, I can’t let you off the plane.

Ross: Let her off the plane!

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Oh, please, miss, you don’t understand!

Ross: Try to understand!

Rachel: (on the answering machine) Oh, come on, miss, isn’t there any way that you can just let me off…

(The message is finished. Ross jumps over to the answering machine.)

Ross: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?

Rachel: I got off the plane.

Ross: You got off the plane.

(He walks over and kisses her.)

Rachel: I do love you.

Ross: I love you too, and I’m never letting you go again.

Rachel: Okay. ‘Cause this is where I wanna be, okay? No more messing around. I don’t wanna mess this up again.

Ross: Me neither, okay? We are – we’re done being stupid.

Rachel: Okay. You and me, alright? This is it.

Ross: This is it. Unless we’re on a break.

(Rachel gives him a look.)

Ross: Don’t make jokes now.

(They kiss again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler and Monica are holding the twins. Joey and Phoebe are sitting by the window, while Ross and Rachel are standing together. The apartment is completely empty. Two men are carrying a large dresser.]

Monica: Okay, please be careful with that. It was my grandmother’s. Be careful.

(Two other men are rolling the big white dog out of the apartment.)

Monica: If that falls off the truck, it wouldn’t be the worst thing.

(She slips them some money.)

Ross: Wow.

Rachel: I know. It seems smaller somehow.

Joey: Has it always been purple?

Chandler: (to his children) Look around, you guys. This was your first home. And it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. But more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin’ steal!

(Monica and Chandler put Jack and Erica in their stroller.)

Phoebe: Hey, do you realise that at one time or another we all lived in this apartment?

Monica: Oh, yeah, that’s true.

Ross: Uh, I haven’t.

Monica: Wait a minute. What about that summer during college that you lived with grandma, and you tried to make it as a dancer?

Ross: Do you realise we almost made it ten years without that coming up?

Monica: Oh, honey, I forgot. I promised Treeger that we’d leave our keys.

Chandler: Oh, okay.

(Chandler and Monica walk over to the kitchen-counter and leave their keys. Then the other four pick out their keys and leave them as well.)

Phoebe: So, I guess this is it.

Joey: Yeah. I guess so.

Monica: (crying) This is harder than I thought it would be.

Chandler: Oh, it’s gonna be okay.

(Chandler hugs her. Monica hugs Ross and Rachel as Chandler gets the stroller with the twins.)

Rachel: (crying) Do you guys have to go to the new house right away, or do you have some time?

Monica: We got some time.

Rachel: Okay, should we get some coffee?

Chandler: Sure. Where?

(They all leave the apartment. Joey helps Chandler with the stroller in the hallway, while Monica and Rachel have their arms around each other. Everybody walks downstairs to Central Perk. The camera goes inside the apartment again, and it pans around. We see the keys on the counter, and the final shot is of the frame around the peephole. The screen fades to black.)

THE END

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Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa
Final check by Kim

[Scene: Joey’s place. Rachel and Joey are talking]

Joey: All right, all right, all right, let’s play one more time, ok? And remember, if I win you do not move to Paris.

Rachel: Ok! Can’t believe I’m risking this again, but you’re on! All right Joe, you remember the rules! Heads I win, tails you lose.

Joey: Just flip!

Rachel (she flips the coin): Ha, tails!

Joey: Damnit!

(Chandler and Monica enter the room)

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: So we thought we’d throw you little going away party around seven.

Rachel: Oh, that sounds good!

Monica: Hey, Rach, you’re leaving tomorrow, shouldn’t you be packing?

Rachel: It’s all done!

Monica: Oh, yeah, right! And after I took a shower this morning I just threw my towel on the floor! Oh God, it hurts to even joke about it.

Rachel: I know… Honey, seriously, I did it all. The luggage that I’m taking is in the bedroom, this is Emma’s Paris stuff, these are the boxes that I’m having shipped, and that’s the sandwich that I made for the plane…

Monica: Ok, so you’ve done some good work! (pause) What about your carry-ons?

Rachel: Oh, well. Everything that I need (she takes her bag) is in here and my travel documents are on the counter organized in the order that I will be needing them.

Monica: Oh my God! I have nothing left to teach you! (they hug)

Chandler: Where’s your passport?

Rachel: It should be right next to my plane ticket.

Chandler: Well, it’s not.

Rachel: What? Maybe I put it in here (she opens her bag). Oh, oh, it’s not in there! Oh, no! I must have packed it in one of these boxes!

Monica: Here, let me help you. (they both start opening boxes)

Rachel: Shoot. Oh, I can’t believe I did this!

Chandler (to Joey): At what point did it stop being funny that I took her passport?

OPENING SEQUENCE

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Monica and Erica are talking about the baby, and Monica is rubbing Erica’s tummy.]

Monica: Oh, wow, can you believe you’re like three weeks away?

Erica: I know.

Monica: You don’t mind me touching your belly, do you?

Erica: No, I don’t mind you touching my belly, but right now your hand is kind of blocking the part where the baby is gonna come out.

(She takes her hand off Erica. Ross enters the room)

Ross: Hey!

Erica: Hi.

Ross: Hey Erica, welcome back to town! (pause) Wow, look how big you’ve gotten.

Erica: That’s because I’m pregnant!

Ross: Right, no, I understand.

Erica: Oh, ok. I’m just always afraid that people think I’m just fat with big breasts.

Ross: No, no, I knew (he stares at her breasts).

Monica (to Ross): Okay, well, stop staring at them.

Ross: She brought them up! (pause) I didn’t realize you were coming back so soon!

Erica: Hey, well, in a couple of weeks I won’t be able to travel.

Monica: Yeah, and I wanted her to get to know the doctors and get settled into the hotel.

Ross: Hotel? Why isn’t she staying with you guys?

Monica: Because we’re moving in a couple of days and it just didn’t make sense.

Erica: Plus hotels are fun! My room has this little fridge full of free snacks!

Ross: Erica, those things aren’t free. In fact they have one of the highest mark-ups of any consumer product…

Monica: Ross! She’s giving us her baby. She can eat you if she wants.

Erica (standing up): I’ll be right back.

Ross: Oh man, I can’t believe you guys are leaving this place.

Monica: Oh, I know. I know. Hey, you know, you can take it if you want! The lease is still in Nana’s name.

Ross: No, no. This will always be your place. It would be too sad. Plus, how much a month does it cost to feed Joey?

Monica: Yeah, it takes two incomes.

Ross: Hey, is Chandler here? We talked about catching a movie.

Monica: Oh, no. He doesn’t have time for that. But if you want, you can go help him and Joey pack up the guest room.

Ross: Mhm, (he balance things) packing – sexy cheerleader comedy.

Monica: Mhm, helpful brother – creepy loner at teen movie.

(Ross takes the tape roll she’s handing him and walks to the guest room while mocking Monica’s voice)

[Scene: Guest room. Joey has his head wrapped in bubbled wrap and Chandler is punching him. Ross enters the room.]

Ross: What are you guys doing?

Joey: Try it, I can’t feel a thing! (Ross starts punching him too)

Monica (enters the room): Are, are you kidding? This is packing?

Chandler: We’re taking a break!

Monica: From?

Chandler: Jumping on the bed?

Monica: All right, Rachel’s party is in a couple of hours and there’s a lot to do. Now, Ross, you got Geller blood, you’re in charge of these yahoos!

Ross: You got it! (Monica leaves, Ross closes the door). All right, she’s right, we gotta get serious. (He grabs a bag of styrofoam peanuts) Let’s put styrofoam peanuts down his pants and kick him!

Chandler: No, no, no, guys. She’s right. We should get to work. I’ll take stuff out of the closet, Joey you pack ’em and Ross you re-pack whatever Joey packs.

(Joey takes the bubble wrap off his head)

Joey: You guys hear a ringing?

Chandler: (holding a pair of furry handcuffs) What the hell is this?

Joey: Hey! Handcuffs! And fur line, nice! I didn’t know you guys had it in ya!

Ross: Chandler, you don’t have a sister so you can’t understand how much this bums me out.

Chandler: I didn’t know Monica had these!

Joey: Mhm, maybe she used them with another boyfriend. Maybe Richard!

Chandler: Why would she use them with Richard and not me? I can be kinky! I once did a naked dance for her… with scarves!

Ross: Bumming hard, guys, bumming hard.

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Phoebe and Ross enter the room.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey! Where’s Mike?

Phoebe: Oh, he has a gig. I kinda like being married to a rock star, you know. My husband has a gig.

Ross: Yeah? Yeah, where is it?

Phoebe: Oh, he’s playing organ for a children’s roller-skating party.

Ross: Rock on!

Phoebe (watching the food on the table): Wow, this is quite a spread! (pause) What is all this stuff?

Monica: Well, I thought this would be a great opportunity to use up all the food that I don’t want to move to the new house with me! So, enjoy: smoke oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust, kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a questionable orange.

Joey: (entering the room) Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: Hey, where’s Rach?

Joey: Oh, she’s putting Emma down, she’ll be over in a second.

Ross: Great.

Joey: Now it just hit her that she’s leaving and she’s kind of emotional so no one say anything to set her off, ok?

Monica: Yeah.

(Rachel enters the room)

Everybody: Hey Rach, hey you.

Ross: Here she is!

Rachel (crying): Hi you guys!

Joey: What did I just say?

Rachel: No, no, no. It’s ok. I’m gonna be fine.

Monica: Come here, I’ll make you a drink.

Ross: Oh, man! I can’t believe she’s actually leaving. How am I gonna say goodbye to Rachel?

Chandler: I know, she’s been such a big part of my life. And it feels like when Melrose Place got cancelled. (Ross and Joey looks puzzled) I mean… oh, forget it. I miss Melrose Place!

Joey (to Ross): You know, I had a chance to stop her too!

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Who loses fifty seven coin tosses in a row? Head she wins, tails I lose. (he stops and starts realizing something) Wait a minute…

Chandler: Yes, Joe?

Joey: I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning!

Phoebe (to Rachel): You doing ok?

Rachel: Well, I’ve been better.

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Rachel: You guys are gonna come and visit me, right?

Phoebe: Yes! You know, in six months the Statute of Limitations runs out and I can travel internationally again!

Rachel: I’m gonna miss you so much.

Phoebe: I know.

Rachel: You know what? Uhm, I have some goodbye stuff that I wanted to say to each of you and I was gonna save it until the end of the night, but come here (they go into the guest room).

Ross: Hey, what do you think they’re doing in there?

Joey: Huh, if I had to guess I’d say Rachel is putting on the bubble wrap and Phoebe is doing the punching.

[Scene: Guest room. Rachel and Phoebe are sitting on the bed.]

Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, I don’t even know where to start.

Phoebe: Ok well, before you do, I know we weren’t supposed to get you going away presents, (she takes something out from her pocket) but I do have something for you.

Rachel: Oh, oh. (she’s holding the present, a transparent bag with a white stick in it). What is this?

Phoebe: It’s a cotton swab with a bit of my saliva on it, so that if they perfect the cloning process while you are over there, you can use the DNA to create your own Pheebs!

Rachel: I’m gonna throw this away, but thank you so much for the gesture!

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. The living room.]

Monica: Chandler? I was just in our bedroom and I found these (she holds the furry handcuffs) on my pillow.

Chandler: Oh, yes. I decided to leave these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna engage on a little light bondage and moustache play!

Monica: What are you talking about? These aren’t mine.

Chandler: Oh yeah, right! Good luck getting another scarf dance from me!

Monica: That would be a terrible punishment. But, I’m serious, I’ve never seen these before.

Chandler: Really? Then what are they doing in our guestroom?

Monica: Rachel used to live in that room.

Chandler: Rachel… with handcuffs! Interesting! (he looks excited)

Monica: Joey’s bare ass!

Chandler: (he doesn’t look excited anymore). Well played.

(Phoebe and Rachel enter the living room.)

Rachel: I love you Phoebe.

Phoebe: I love you too. (they hug) Please don’t… Don’t turn into… you know… French bitch! (they hug again)

Rachel: All right. Well, if I gonna do this, I’d better keep going.

Phoebe: Ok.

Rachel: Ok. Monica?

Monica: Yeah?

Rachel: Can you come here with me for a minute?

Monica: Sure.

Phoebe: (to Monica) Are you wearing waterproof mascara?

Monica: No.

Phoebe: Oh, you’re so screwed. (Monica goes into the guest room)

Ross: (to Phoebe) Hey. What was that all about?

Phoebe: She’s gonna say goodbye to each of us individually.

Ross: Are you kidding? Oh my God…

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, it’s gonna be even worse for you… God… Ross, get ready to do some serious crying.

Ross: Oh, man, I’m not going to be able to handle this. (pause) Now I know how my students feel at the end of each year. And why they act out by giving me such bad evaluations.

[Scene: The guest bedroom. Rachel and Monica are talking to each other.]

Rachel: Mon… Okay… I’ve gotta… just say what it is I’m gonna say… None of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last ten years, would have happened if it wasn’t for you. No-one has been more like a sister to me…

Monica: I know what you mean. You’re like a sister to me too.

Rachel: (starts crying and speaking at the same time, making it almost impossible to understand what she’s saying) I wouldn’t know what I’m gonna do without you…

Monica: (having the same problem) You’re the best friend I ever had.

Rachel: (says something that cannot be understood)

Monica: What?

Rachel: I… I… I… (again saying something that cannot be understood)

Monica: That is so sweet. (they hug)

[Scene: Back to the living room. Monica and Rachel enter and hug each other. The guys see this.]

Ross: (to Joey) Oh no, she took down Monica… And I’m the crier in the family. Oh God! I could be next. Maybe she won’t talk with me if it looks like we’re deep in converstation. Oh, so that thing you said about the thing. It really made me think about that other thing.

Chandler: Uh, Rach?

Ross: Well it’s okay. Chandler is talking to her.

Joey: I really made you think about that thing uh?

Chandler: (to Rachel) Uh, Rach… I think I have something that belongs to you. (shows her the cuffs)

Rachel: (laughs) Oh, I’m sure gonna miss pretending to laugh at your weird jokes that I don’t get.

Chandler: No, no, no… They’re really yours. We… found them in your old room.

Rachel: Well, these aren’t mine. Maybe Monica used to use them with…

Chandler: Don’t say Richard! Well, if they’re not Monica’s and they’re not yours, then whose are they?

Rachel: Well, I think you’re forgetting the kinkiest former resident of that room.

Chandler: Pheebs!

Phoebe: (from the other side of the room) Yeah!

Chandler: I think these are yours.

Phoebe: These are not mine… Look how flimsy they are, come on! Good God! You try to hang a guy from a waterpipe with these, they’ll snap like a piece of licorice.

Rachel: (to Chandler) Can I talk to you alone for a minute?

Chandler: Sure. (to Phoebe) You don’t really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you?

Phoebe: Where do you think Mike really is? (she giggles, Chandler looks aghast)

[Scene: The guest bedroom. Chandler and Rachel.]

Rachel: Oh honey…

Chandler: Let me just say something… Because once we get into this, I’m gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke… I just want to say that I… I love you… And, I’m gonna miss you. And I’m so sad that you’re leaving.

Rachel: (all mushy) Oh, you know what? Let’s not say anything else. I love you. (they hug)

Chandler: Ooh, not so tight… (blows raspberry, and the hug ends) I’m sorry, just give me one more chance.

Rachel: Okay. Oh…

(Chandler blows raspberry again)

Rachel: Oh!

Chandler: I’m sor… Just go. Just go. I can’t, I can’t.

[Scene: Monica’s living room. We look outside to the balcony where Rachel is saying goodbye to Joey.]

Monica: (to Ross) So, I guess you’re next. You’re ready?

Ross: I don’t think so.

Chandler: Oh, you’re definately not. I haven’t cried like that in years.

Monica: You cried yesterday at the six o’clock news.

Chandler: That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic.

Ross: God! I can’t believe she saved me for last. (looking out to the balcony) Why are they taking so long?

Phoebe: I don’t know. But, God, Joey seems to be handling it suprisingly well.

(Rachel and Joey hug, and Rachel turns to enter the apartment through the side window again. At that moment Joey tries to climb over the edge of the balcony.)

All: No, no, no, no!

(Rachel rushes back and pulls Joey back onto the balcony, and takes him inside.)

Ross: Okay, here we go…

Rachel: Oh… (holding Ross’s shoulder) Well…

Ross: Yeah…

Rachel: I think I’m gonna take off. (pats Ross on his back, but he looks very surprised)

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: Oh, you guys. This was an amazing night. Thank you so much. I love you. Good night.

(She leaves the apartment and they all stare at Ross)

Ross: What? I don’t get a goodbye?

Joey: (still very emotional) Lucky bastard!

[Scene: Monica’s apartment continued… Phoebe, Chandler, Monica and Joey are sitting down and Ross is pacing up and down.]

Ross: Unbelievable. She says goodbye to everyone but me.

Monica: Well, maybe she thought that with all of your history it could be, you know, implicit.

Ross: Well, it needs to be plicit.

Joey: All right, let’s think about this. I mean, there’s got to be an explanation. Uh… did you do anything to make her mad?

Ross: No, I don’t think so.

Phoebe: You know, maybe she was just really spent from our talk. It was pretty intense.

Monica: Yeah. Mine too.

Chandler: Mine was a humdinger

Ross: (annoyed) O-kay… I mean, don’t I deserve anything? I mean, a few tears, a cursory hug? (Joey gives Ross a hug) NOT FROM YOU! (Joey lets go)

Phoebe: Ross, if you’re this upset, you should go and talk to her.

Monica: And say what? “You owe me a goodbye”, I mean, he’s got more pride than that.

Ross: THE HELL I DO!

(Ross takes big steps leaving for Joey and Rachel’s apartment, where Rachel is going through her papers.)

Ross: I don’t get a goodbye?

Rachel: What?

Ross: (talking agitated and angry) Everyone gets a goodbye but me? What have I got to do to get a goodbye, huh? Be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have a baby with you? Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, I did all those things.

Rachel: Ross…

Ross: Oh no, maybe it’s me, I’m just not giving you enough credit. Uh, I mean it is difficult to say goodbye to five people. Uh, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, good… (makes choking noises) IT’S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. You know what? After all we’ve been through, I can’t believe this is how you want to leave things between us. Have a, have a good time in Paris. (He leaves the apartment. Rachel looks kind of desperate.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. The others are still there.]

Monica: I hope Ross isn’t too upset.

Joey: I’m sure he’s not more bummed out than I am.

Phoebe: Tell me about it.

Chandler: Well, you can’t say we don’t know how to throw a party.

Phoebe: All right, I think I’m gonna head out.

Monica: Uh, where do you think you’re going?

Phoebe: I thought I was going home to go to bed, but I’m sensing there’s something less fun for me to do here.

Monica: We’re moving in a couple of days and we’ve got a lot of packing to do. It would be great if you guys could pitch in.

Chandler: Joey and I can finish up in the guest room.

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, good idea. (he mimes hitting his head with his fist)

Monica: Oh no! You and Phoebe are gonna help me in here.

Chandler: (to Joey) You couldn’t be cool. (he goes to the guest bedroom)

Monica: Okay, we’re gonna start in the kitchen. Plates get put into plate protectors and stacked ten to a box. The silverware gets bundled in rubber bands and then bubble wrapped. Got it?

Phoebe and Joey: Yeah.

Monica: Good! Now I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember, if I am harsh with you, it is only because you are doing it wrong.

Chandler: Hey Mon, I think I figured out whose handcuffs they are.

Monica: You did? How?

Chandler: Well, I was cleaning out the closet and I found some pictures of them… being used.

Monica: Oh my God! Let me see. (they all look at the pictures)

Joey: Who’s that dirty old lady?

Chandler: Monica’s grandmother.

Monica: Nana liked it rough!

(Erica, the pregnant girl, enters)

Erica: Hi!

All: Hey!

Joey: Come on here, have a seat.

Phoebe: How was your night?

Erica: Oh, it was okay. I went to a movie with my cousin and then out for dinner. We went to this place that had… Ooh… (she looks likes she is in pain, holding her belly) Hoo… ooh… Anyway, they had these really amazing cheeseburgers.

Monica: Erica, are you okay?

Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach aches. They come and go like every few minutes.

Monica: Oh my God!

Chandler: Relax! We just get her some antacids.

Monica: She doesn’t have a stomach ache, she’s in labor.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, you got to get to the hospital.

Monica: All right, Chandler get the coats. Erica let’s go. Phoebe and Joey, keep packing! Oh my God we’re gonna have a baby. All right. We’re gonna have a baby! OH MY GOD, WE’RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! Oh God, oh God, I got to sit down, I got to sit down. Ooh! (she’s hyperventilating)

Chandler: Honey, it’s gonna be okay.

Erica: You can do this. Just breathe.

Monica: Okay, okay… Okay, I feel a little better.

Erica: (in pain) Ooh! Are you sure?

Monica: Oh… Yes, I’m sure. Oh honey, let’s go. Okay bye everyone.

(there’s a lot of supportive cheers from all. Erica, Monica and Chandler leave.)

Joey: Chandler, wait, wait, wait…

Chandler: What?

Joey: If you get a second, find out where she got that cheeseburger.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Rachel bursts in.]

Rachel: You really think I didn’t say goodbye to you because I don’t care?

Ross: That’s what it seemed like.

Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know ONE thing about me.

Ross: Fine, then why didn’t you say something?

Rachel: Because it is too damn hard Ross. I can’t even begin to explain to you how much I’m gonna miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go… Okay, so if you think that I didn’t say goodbye to you because you don’t mean as much to me as everybody else, you’re wrong. It’s because you mean more to me. So there, all right, there’s your goodbye… Oh!

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: What?

Ross: You keep, you keep… You can’t…

Rachel: WHAT?

(Ross walks over to her and starts to kiss her passionately. After a while Rachel backs out. She thinks a while and starts kissing him back.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s apartment.]

Joey: A little more.

Phoebe: Okay. (she starts to stuff styrofoam peanuts down the front of Joey’s pants.)

Joey: A little more, a little more. (she stuffs some more down his pants and Joey’s assesses the how many there already are in there.) A little more… All right. Okay, all right, let’s do this.

Phoebe: All right, ready?

Joey: Yeah. All right, now give me your best shot.

Phoebe: All right, here it goes…

(she knees him in the crotch. He jumps up a bit)

Joey: (in pain) Doesn’t work… (he falls down on on his knees with his head on the floor)

THE END

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Teleplay by: Tracy Reilly
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Flashback scene from last week, Monica and Chandler’s kitchen, Rachel, Ross, Monica and Chandler are there.]

Jennifer: Previously on Friends…

Chandler: How did the job stuff go?

Rachel: He offered me one.

Ross: (gasps) You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest.

Rachel: The job is in Paris. (we see Ross stare in disbelief)

FADE OUT

Rachel: Oh, God! Please, somebody say something.

Ross: So if you take this job you’ll be moving to Paris?

Chandler: Or facing a bitch of a commute.

Rachel: I know, it’s huge, and it’s scary, and it’s… really far, far away from you guys, but this is such an incredible opportunity for me. And I’ve already talked to them about our situation with Emma, and they said they’ll do whatever we need to make us feel comfortable.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: I mean, I’ll fly back and forth, they’ll fly you out… Anything we want.

Chandler: My boss said I might be getting a new lamp in my cubicle. (Monica looks at him and can’t really place what he just said)

Ross: All right, we’ll work it out.

Rachel: Thank you! Thank you!

Ross: Yeah, yeah! (they hug) You sure this is what you want?

Rachel: I think it is. (Ross looks very sad. Phoebe and Joey enter.)

Phoebe: Ooh, what’s going on?

Rachel: I got a really incredible job offer.

Joey: Hey, great! All right!

Phoebe: Good for you!

Rachel: It’s in Paris.

Joey: What? No, no, no! No, no… no… no, no… No, too much is changing, okay? First, Phoebe getting married (to Phoebe) Congratulations! (pointing to Monica and Chandler)… and then these two move into a stupid house in the stupid suburbs…

Monica: Hey, this afternoon you said you’d be supportive…

Joey: Well, it comes and goes. I wouldn’t trust it.

Rachel: Look, you guys… this is really, really important to me. And it means a lot if you could try to get on board.

Phoebe: Of course we can. Congratulations. (they hug, but Joey shakes his head.) Yay! (she gestures Joey to come and join in) Joey…

Joey: No, no, no. My hugs are reserved for people STAYING IN AMERICA.

Rachel: (walking towards Joey) Joey, it would mean so…

Joey: Hey! No! Get your France-going-arms away from me. (He walks out, and Rachel follows him)

Rachel: Joey…

Phoebe: You okay with this?

Chandler: Well, it makes me feel sad, but…

Phoebe: Talking to Ross.

Chandler: I see.

Ross: Well, Rachel moving to another country? Not being able to see her every day. How can I be okay with this?

Monica: I know, but what are we gonna do? She really needs this job.

Ross: Do you think if the Ralph Lauren people offered her her old job back, she would take it?

Monica: How is that gonna happen?

Chandler: Is this the best way to use one of your three magic wishes?

Ross: I don’t know. I could talk to her boss. Yeah! I met him at that Christmas party. We really hit it off.

Monica: You mean the guy who kept calling you Ron?

Ross: I didn’t say we were brothers.


OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe’s reading a newspaper. Chandler and Monica walk in.]

Monica: Hey Phoebe. Hey, tell me what you think. All right. The house next door to the one that we’re buying in Westchester? Just went on the market. I wanna take a look at it, but Chandler doesn’t.

Chandler: We close escrow tomorrow, so seeing another house can only confuse us, and we’re easily confused. We’re not very bright.

Monica: But what if it is better than ours? Should we at least look?

Chandler: What do you think Pheebs?

Phoebe: Well, I think that shirt makes you look like you should work at a Baskin Robbins… Anyway… Hey, isn’t Joey’s agent Estelle Leonard?

Chandler: Yeah.

Phoebe: She died.

Chandler: You’re kidding!

Monica: That’s terrible!

Phoebe: Yeah, last Saturday. Wow! She was the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic. (Chandler and Monica look puzzled) Oh, wait a minute, I read the wrong one.

Chandler: Oh yeah?

Phoebe: Yeah, she was just an agent.

Monica: Joey’s gonna be *so* upset.

Chandler: I know. *He* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the Atlantic.

Phoebe: Well, we cannot tell Joey about this. He’s already flipping out about everything that’s changing. This will push him over the edge.

Monica: Seriously, you don’t think we should tell him?

Phoebe: Well, not for a little while. Let’s just give him a few days to get used to everything else.

Monica: What if he reads it in the paper?

Chandler: Unless Snoopy says it to Charlie Brown, I think we’re okay.

[Scene: Ralph Lauren. Mr Zelner’s office. Ross knocks on the door and enters.]

Mr Zelner: May I help you?Ross: Yeah, I’m a friend of Rachel Green’s. Uhm, actually we met at the Christmas party about two years ago.

Mr Zelner: Oh right, uhm, Don?

Ross: Close. Ron. (shakes hands)

Mr Zelner: Uh… What can I do for you?

Ross: Uhm, well… I’m here to see if you’ll give Rachel her job back.

Mr Zelner: Ah, did she ask you to come here and do this?

Ross: Oh, no. At first I have to get you to agree. Then we’ll see if she wants to come back.

Mr Zelner: Wow, that is tempting.

Ross: Look, she loved her job here. And let’s face it: you’re not gonna find anyone who did it as well as she did it. Isn’t that true?

Mr Zelner: She is good!

Ross: (surprised) Huh, I took a shot there.

Mr Zelner: But I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do… Ah, it’s not true, there is… nothing I want to do.

Ross: I see… Thanks very much. (he gets up and walks to the door. On his way out he looks at the photographs Mr Zelner has near his door. He picks one up.) Is this your son?
Mr Zelner: Yeah, his name is Ross. (Ross looks very surprised) What?

Ross: Oh, nothing, it’s just, it’s close to Ron. Does he.. Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?

Mr Zelner: Yeah, they’re all he talks about, why?

Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. (Mr. Zellner looks shocked). I just heard it as you must have heard it and that’s not good. Let me start again. I’m a paleontologist, you’ll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones… fossils!

Mr Zelner: You can really arrange that?

Ross: You let Rachel come back, and it’s done.

Mr Zelner: Well, I guess having Rachel back wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Ross: Yeah! Yes! Thank you! This is great. Thank you so much. And I swear, your kid is going to have the time of his life.

Mr Zelner: That’s great. I worry about little Ross. He’s always reading, he’s collecting rocks and he’s obsessed with dinosaurs.

Ross: He’ll be fine.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe’s reading, Joey has just entered the room]

Joey: Hey Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hey. Everything ok?

Joey: I’m just mad at my agent.

Phoebe: Estelle? Why?

Joey: There’s a part in a TV movie that I would be perfect for and I didn’t even be put up for it! She’d better have a good reason.

Phoebe: I’m guessing she does.

Joey: Well (taking his cell phone out of a pocket) I’m wanna hear it, because she keeps doing this.

Phoebe: Well, no, no, wait, wait, wait. All right, I gotta go. Just listen. Promise me, that you will wait a minute before you call her.

Joey: Ok. Why?

Phoebe: Because a promise between friends means never having to give a reason. (she leaves)

Joey: I love that saying!

(Phoebe is outside, taking her cell phone out of her bag and making a call. Joey is inside, and his mobile phone starts ringing).

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe (doing Estelle): Joey, it’s Estelle.

Joey: I was just gonna call you! That’s weird.

Phoebe-Estelle: It’s a little coincidental, but believable. (Joey nods in agreement). Listen, I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t get you an audition for that TV movie.

Joey: Yeah, actually I am!

Phoebe-Estelle: I guess I dropped the ball there. Whoopsie!

Joey: That’s it? You know, it seems all you do lately is drop the ball.

Phoebe-Estelle: Don’t take that tone with me. Who you think you are? Alan Lemond, the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic?

Joey: No, no, look. All I’m saying is that you’re my agent, ok? And you’re not getting me into any auditions and I’m tired of it.

Phoebe-Estelle: What are you saying?

Joey: I’m saying that… (pause). This isn’t working for me anymore, ok? Estelle, you’re fired. Goodbye. (he hangs up the phone).

Phoebe: Man, tough week for Estelle!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Rachel’s there and Ross enters the room with a stuffed dinosaur]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Emma left her stuffed t-rex at my house. You know she can’t sleep without it.

Rachel: Oh, well, she’s asleep now. Stop forcing that thing on her.

Ross: Ok.

Rachel: Oh, you’re not gonna believe what happened to me today! Ralph Lauren called, and gave me my job back!

Ross: Nooo!

Rachel: Yee. I mean, it was so weirdest thing. They fired me and then out of nowhere they just hire me back! I mean, that place must have been falling apart without me.

Ross: So, you’re not going to Paris.

Rachel: No, I’m still going.

Ross: Wh… wh…what?

Rachel: When the Louis Vuitton people found out that Ralph Lauren wanted me back, the offered me more money! Isn’t that great?

Ross: Yeeeah! (They high-five)

[Scene: house next to the one the Bings are moving into. Chandler and Monica knock, a lady opens the door.]

Monica: Hi. We’re buying the house next door, and we were wondering if we could just take a look around.Lady: Oh, sure. I’m showing it to someone else right now, but please, look around.

Monica: Thanks.

Chandler: It feels like we’re cheating on our house. And if we’re gonna cheat, shouldn’t it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won’t do?

Monica: Ours is so much better! This living room is smaller, the dining room looks like a cave! What a hole!

Lady: So? What do you think?

Monica: Love it!

Lady: Well, we already have one offer on it, and I think the lady upstairs is goning to make another one.

Monica: They could be our neighbors, what are they like?

Lady: Oh, the woman upstairs is very nice. She and her husband have two kids, he’s on Wall Street and she…

Janice: Oh my God!

(Chandler and Monica are speechless).

Chandler (to Monica): Sure.

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. He’s there and Phoebe comes in.]

Phoebe: Hey Joey, want come with me to… are you ok?

Joey: Yeah, I just… I just feel bad about firing Estelle. This is got to be killing her.

Phoebe: No, that wouldn’t kill her. Ordinary embolism might.

Joey: I don’t know. She’s got to be taking it hard, I was like her only client. Except for this guy who eats paper. And I’m guessing he eats more money than he makes. Look, I know she’s not a great agent, but she did stick with me for ten years. I’m gonna call her and hire her again.

Phoebe: No, no, no! Don’t call her! You wait for her to call you (Joey considers it)

Joey: Why?

Phoebe: Because patience is the road to understanding (she thinks) which … is the key… to a happy heart.

Joey: (impressed) You blow me away.

Phoebe: (picking up her bag) All right, so promise you’re gonna wait for her to call you?

Joey: I promise. And that means, never having to give a reason. (Phoebe stops herself from laughing and leaves)

[Scene: The house Monica and Chandler are viewing. Janice comes down the stairs.]

Janice: What a small world!Chandler: And yet I never run into Beyonce!

Realtor: You two know each other?

Janice: Oh, we go way back. Before Monica made an honest man out of him, Chandler used to be my little love muffin! (does her irritating laugh). So? Are you guys thinking of getting this house too? Ooh! Are we gonna have a bidding war? I’d better warn you, I’m a toughie (playfully punches Chandler, who tries to get away from her)

Chandler: (at Janice’s punching) Don’t, don’t! (looks disgusted)

Monica: No, actually, we’re buying the house next door. (Janice gasps)

Chandler: (To Monica and with bulging eyes) Why!?

Monica: (looks confused and scared) I don’t know why.

Janice: Ooh, that decides it then. I was on the fence. But knowing that you two would be our neighbors? Ah! now we have to get it! (Chandler and Monica are utterly shocked) Ellen, we’re going to talk numbers. (Grabs Ellen by her elbow and pulls her outside)

Chandler: This can not be happening!

Monica: Okay, the realtor said another couple made an offer. Maybe the Janice’s won’t get it! Maybe the other couple will.

Chandler: The only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the Hitlers.

Monica: (Thinks a little more) Okay, Okay, (clapping her hands) All right. What if we got both houses? Huh? We can turn this house into a guest house.

Chandler: That is a great idea! And by the way, I don’t mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!?

Monica: Okay, you come up with an idea.

Chandler: Alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. We can still get out.

Monica: But we love our house.

Chandler: Will we love it so much with her next door? And she’s gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and (apes Janice’s voice) “Oh My God”!

Monica: Okay, but if we don’t get this house, she’s stil gonna show up wherever we go! I mean, at least if she’s here, it eliminates the element of suprise. I mean, never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body. (She shows this with her index finger, mimicking it pushing something up)

Chandler: (looks afraid, but at the same time, knows she’s right) Well, we have to do something. We can’t have her living next door. (Janice’s laughs loudly outside) Oh, that does it too. (Motions with his index finger like Monica did)

[Scene: Mr. Zellner’s office. There is a knock on the door.]

r Zelner: Who is it?

Ross: (enters) It’s me. Ron. (Mr. Zellner looks annoyed) Look, I um, I now Rachel turned you down but I think there is a way you might be able to get her to come back.

Mr Zelner: This may surprise you, but re-hiring fired employees, is not my main job.

Ross: Just hear me out. How would you feel about offering her a raise? (looks hopeful)

Mr Zelner: (obviously amused) Not good, Ron.

Ross: Perhaps I can persuade you. What if you can give your son this (Takes a huge egg out of his back) genuine pterodactyl egg (whispers) replica.

Mr Zelner: (Takes a long look at the egg while he considers it) Wow, that’s pretty cool (Takes the egg from Ross)

Ross: Huh? So? We have a deal?

Mr Zelner: Okay, you got it.

Ross: Yes! yes!

Mr Zelner: This is gonna make me very popular.

Ross: Oh, (grins) Believe me, the ladies, they love it!

Mr Zelner: (looks at Ross, for a long moment, confused) I meant with my son.

Ross: Good, ’cause the ladies, not so much. (shakes his head, give him a thumbs up and leaves)

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. He walks in reading his mail, and plays back his messages on the answering machine]

Answering machine: Joey, this is Al T. Booker, (Looks annoyed that he called him) the guy who eats paper. I’m sure you’ve heard that Estelle passed away. (Looks shocked) I wanted to let you know there’s a memorial for her at the Westside chapel, tomorrow at ten. Hope you can make it.Joey: Oh my God. (Still in shock when his mobile rings, he picks it up) Hello?

Phoebe: (on the other side of the line, still pretending to be Estelle) Joey, it’s Estelle. (Joey’s eyes bulge up, he looks afraid)

Joey: Estelle?

Phoebe: Yeah, I wanted to call and tell you that there’s no hard feelings for firing me.

Joey: (still scared) Ok-ay. I just, I can’t believe you’re calling me?

Phoebe: Well, I didn’t think I should just drop by…

Joey: No, no, no! (Starts looking around the room, terrified) Don’t drop by, don’t drop by!

Phoebe: Anyway, you did what you had to do. I’m okay.

Joey: Can I ask you something? Uhm, what’s it like there?

Phoebe: (Looks around) It’s alright. Look kiddo, I gotta go. Good luck with the career. You’re gonna be huge.

Joey: Thanks for everything Estelle. Bye. (Hangs up and reads the phone display) “out of area”. Boy, I’ll say.

[Scene: The house next door to Chandler and Monica’s new house. Chandler is pacing worriedly through the living room when Janice enters.]

Janice: Well… I just talked to Sid, we are definitely putting in an offer on the house… a-a-and I’ll bet we get it.Chandler: The Hitlers will be so disappointed.

Janice: All right, I got to run. Tell Monica I say goodbye. And… I’ll see you later, neighbor. (Janice laugh)

Chandler: Wait! I just want you to know that… I’m so happy you’re going to be here.

Janice: Oh, me too… (laughs)

Chandler: Because… that way… we can pick up where we left off.

Janice: Huh?

Chandler: I never stopped loving you.

Janice: Oh… my…

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you… I need you… I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein.

Janice: Chandler, what are you talking about?

Chandler: Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing.

Janice: I don’t know what to say… I mean, you know, obviously we have this… heat between us.

Chandler: (stunned) Obviously.

Janice: But I love my husband. And I know you love your wife. Now, I don’t think we should get this house now.

Chandler: Don’t say that. Don’t tangle the dream and take it away.

Janice: Chandler, one of us has got to be strong.

Chandler: I understand.

Janice: Although, maybe just… one last moment of weakness… (she kisses Chandler flat on the mouth. Chandler squirms. When she’s finished, he looks at her lovingly but uneasily.) Goodbye Chandler Bing. (She leaves)

Chandler: (speaking as in pain) They’re never coming down now.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Ross is working on his laptop when Rachel enters with Emma.]

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: You are never going to believe what happened to me today.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Ralph Lauren called again and they offered me more money.

Ross: They did?

Rachel: Yeah. It was the weirdest thing. Zelner called me and he said we’ll do everything we can to get you back. And that I should thank some Ron… I don’t even know what department that guy’s in.

Ross: So, what are you gonna do?

Rachel: Well, I took it.

Ross: That’s great! So you’re staying in New York!

Both: YAY! WHOO! YAY!

Ross: You’re excited, right?

Rachel: (hesitant) Ye-ah. Yeah! You know, the money’s great. It’s certainly the easier choice…

Ross: Right!

Rachel: Yeah, you know, was I looking forward to going to Paris? Sure. You know, was I excited about working in the fashion capital of the world? Ooh, absolutely… Oh…! Yeah, but you know, this is… it’s fine. I’m fine going back to a job where I’ve pretty much gotten everything out of that I possibly can… (she sits down, and Ross who is stunned to hear all this follows her example)

Ross: Uhm, I hadn’t no you… I had no idea you were so excited about Paris. Uhm, I mean, you said you were scared.

Rachel: Well yeah, but I mean, it was good scared though, you know? Like when I-moved-to-New-York scared. Or uhm, when I-found-out-I-was-gonna-have-Emma scared… But this is… fine. This is gonna be good. (they both stare around)

Ross: (after a long pause) You should go.

Rachel: What?

Ross: It’s what you want. You should go.

Rachel: You really think so?

Ross: I really do.

Rachel: But I already told Zelner that I would come back…

Ross: (picks up a skull of some carnivore from his side table and puts it in the same bag in which he brought the pterodactyl egg to Zelner) I’m sure he’ll understand.

Rachel: All right. ALL RIGHT! I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna go to Paris.

Ross: Yeah…

Rachel: Yeah! I’m going to Paris. Thank you, Ross!

Ross: Yeah, yeah, oh! (They hug)

Rachel: Oh! Oh, I’m so happy.

Ross: Then I’m happy too. (They’re still hugging – fade out)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Estelle’s memorial service. Joey is giving a speech. Next to him is a blown op photograph of Estelle behind her desk and there’s a man standing next to him.]

Joey: Thank you all for coming. We’re here today to pay respects to a wonderful agent and a beautiful woman… (Joey looks at the photograph) ..inside. As Estelle’s only two clients we would like to say a few words. (Joey looks for his notes. The man next to him is chewing something.) Dude, where’s my speech? (the man swallows something and looks at Joey.) That is entertaining. Al Zebooker everybody. (he applauds and Al shows that there’s nothing left in his mouth.)

THE END

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Teleplay by: Tracy Reilly
Story by: Robert Carlock
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa
Final check by Kim

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s apartment. They are having a diner party with Phoebe and Mike.]

Mike: (raising his glass) Thank you guys for having us over.

Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, this is fun, couples night.

Chandler: Yeah, I don’t know why we hang out with married couples more often.

Monica: Well, because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.

Chandler: You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn’t have done it. (she shrugs)

Ross: (entering) Hey, you guys… I have great news.

Monica: Ross, we’re kind of in the middle of diner here.

Ross: Oh, well, er, I already ate, but sure…! (they all look at each other when Ross grabs a plate) Guess what happened at work today…

Chandler: A dinosaur died a million years ago?

Ross: Try sixty-five million years ago, and then try sssshhhhhh…. My tenure review board met today and I hear it’s looking really good.

Phoebe: Wow!

Ross: Yeah. Do you have any idea what this means in academic circles, uh? I am gonna get laid.

Rachel: (while entering) Hi you guys.

All: Hey.

Rachel: Ooh, Italian! (she also grabs a plate)

Monica: No one wanted seconds, right?

Ross: No, no. I-I’m good.

Rachel: Hey you guys… You’re never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me.

Ross: I’m up for tenure.

Rachel: Congratulations!

Ross: You too! What are the odds?

Rachel: Ooh! (they hug)

Joey: (enters) Guess what? (they all look expectantly at him) I finally got that seed out of my teeth.

Monica: I don’t know who I’m happiest for…

Phoebe: I do, he’s been working on that all day! (looking at Joey)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Monica and Chandler on their couch.]

Phoebe: Hey Mon? Was it weird changing your name to Geller-Bing?

Monica: No, no. It felt nice to acknowledge this. (pats Chandler on his leg)

Phoebe: Where did you go to do it?

Monica: Uhm the… the ministry… of names… bureau…

Chandler: YOU NEVER DID IT!

Monica: I’m sorry. It’s just the idea of being an official Bing.

Chandler: Hey! I will have you know that… aah, who am I kidding. Let’s call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me.

Mike: (walks to the couch with coffee for Phoebe) Here you go.

Phoebe: Thanks! Honey, would you want me to take your name?

Mike: Oh, it’s just… It’s up to you. It’s your name. You’ve got to live with it.

Phoebe: All right, let’s see, call me mrs Hannigan.

Chandler: Mrs Hannigan?

Phoebe: What? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something? Ooh, I like it.

Joey: (enters) Hey guys.

Chandler: Hey Joe! We’ve got a couple of things we’ve got to check out at the new house. You want to come with us?

Joey: No, thank you.

Monica: All right. I know you’re not happy about us moving, but you’re the only one who hasn’t seen the house.

Chandler: Yeah, come with us. You’ll see how close it is to the city.

Joey: But no, it’s not close. You said it was in escrow? I couldn’t even find it on the map.

Monica: Joey, please come. It would mean so much to us.

Joey: You know what? You are my friends, I wanna be supportive, I will come with you. SHOTGUN!

Chandler: Damn it.

Monica: See you guys later.

Phoebe: Okay!

Monica: (to Joey) I’ll pick you up at eleven. So glad you’re coming.

Phoebe: Good for you. That was really mature.

Joey: What? No, the only reason I’m going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that’s wrong with it, so they don’t move. I’m gonna make them stay here.

Mike: You’re a strange kind of grown-up.

Phoebe: Joey, you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. Believe me, there’s something I’ve been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there’s… he’s just…

Mike: Woo-wo-hey-hey-hey… Can we not talk about that right now?

Phoebe: All right, prude… Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here.

Joey: Hey, hey… I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that “thing”. What is it?

(Phoebe whispers something in Joey’s ear, but after hearing it he jumps up, shocked)

Joey: I AM NOT GONNA HELP YOU DO THAT! Goodbye! (he leaves)

[Scene: A restaurant. Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (to maitre d’) Hi, I’m here to see mr Campbell… with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It’s spelled like Gukki, which could be confusing.

Maitre d’: Mr Campbell’s not here yet. Let me show you to his table.

(They walk to the table, but Rachel suddenly gasps. Sitting there is mr Zellner, her boss from her current job at Ralph Lauren.)

Rachel: Oh my God! That’s my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else.

Maitre d’: I’m sorry. That’s always mr Campbell’s table.

Rachel: But my… but my boss cannot see me. I’m interviewing for another job.

Maitre d’: I know. With Gukki

Rachel: Sssshhhh!

Mr Zellner: Rachel?

Rachel: Hi… I’m on a date…

Mr Zellner: (confused) That’s great!

Rachel: Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it’s tough. Single mom, career… You gotta get out there.

Mr Zellner: Well, you got uhm… good energy.

Rachel: Oh.

Mr Campbell: Rachel?

Rachel: Yes, hi!

Mr Campbell: James Campbell…

Rachel: Hi! (to mr Zellner) Excuse us.

Mr Campbell: Please… (shows her to sit)

Rachel: Okay. Oh, yeah… (whispering to mr Zellner) Oh he’s cute!

Mr Campbell: So… your resumé is quite impressive. (Mr Zellner who sits behind Rachel shrugs)

Rachel: Wha… My resumé? I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t call my online dating profile a resumé.

Mr Campbell: Dating profile? I-I-I’m talking about the work resumé.

Rachel: (starts singing la la la la) Whatever happened to just singing for no reason? Huh?

Mr Campbell: Maybe people… found it weird…. So, why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren?

Rachel: What? I-I don’t.

Mr Campbell: You don’t?

Rachel: No, I-I-I love it there.

Mr Campbell: Well, if you don’t want to leave, why are we having this lunch?

(Rachel mimes and mouths to mr Campbell “That is my boss”, pointing to mr Zellner)

Mr Campbell: What?

(Rachel now silently whispers “That’s my boss”.)

Mr Campbell: That’s Hugo Boss?

(Rachel holds her hand in order to support her head. Mr Zellner obviously overheard the conversation.)

[Scene: A counter at a government building. Phoebe’s waiting in line.]

Phoebe: (to the woman behind her) This place is so depressing. If I had to work here I’d kill myself. (she turns around and the clerk behind the counter heard her.) But you obviously haven’t.

Clerk: How can I help you?

Phoebe: I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it because I’m-I’m hiding from the law. (the clerk shows no change in expression whatsoever) You’re fun.

Clerk: You need to fill out this form. (motions for the next person in line)

Phoebe: Okay, well, I just don’t, I don’t know how it works exactly. See, my name is Buffay and my husband’s name is Hannigan, so is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan or Hannigan-Buffay?

Clerk: It can be anything you want.

Phoebe: Well, not anything, I mean…

Clerk: Yeah… anything.

Phoebe: Oh, this could take a while.

Clerk: Get out of my line.

Phoebe: Okay.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are there when Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey Pheebs.

Phoebe: Oh, not anymore. I changed it today.

Monica: Oh, I’m sorry, mrs Hannigan.

Phoebe: Wrong again! Apparently you can change it to anything you want. So I thought, all right, here’s an opportunity to be creative. So meet Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

Chandler: That’s what we were gonna name the baby.

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Uh! Princess Consuela.

Monica: You seriously changed your name to that?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Monica: Okay, so from now on we have to call you Princess Consuela?

Phoebe: Uhm, no. I’m gonna have my friends call me Valerie.

(Rachel enters, looking depressed)

Chandler: Hey, how’d the interview go?

Rachel: Oh! It’s not good.

Chandler: You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I’ll bet it went better than you think.

Rachel: Well, I didn’t get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.

Chandler: That is a bad interview.

Phoebe: What are you, what are you talking about? How did this happen?

Rachel: Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he’s gonna have to let me go, because I’m not a team player. And I said “Wait a minute! Yes I am.” and I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that in fact… was true.

Monica: Oh God. I’m so sorry.

(Ross enters with a bottle in his hand)

Ross: Hey! Wha-hoo! What’s this? (showing the bottle) Well it’s a, it’s a bottle of champagne. Why is this here?

Phoebe: Ross…

Ross: I guess it’s here because I GOT TENURE!

All (except Rachel): Congratulations! (Rachel looks devastated)

Ross: This is the single greatest day of my professional career. Gunther, six glasses!

Gunther: Six? You want me to join you?

Ross: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good. (Gunther leaves, hurt) Well, I’m gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.

Chandler: Ooh! Israeli champagne. And it’s vanilla!

Ross: I got tenure. I didn’t win the lottery… Hey Rach, so uh… how did your thing go?

Rachel: Oh it… good! Yeah, but I’m not gonna hear from that for a couple of days.

Ross: Oh, you know what? You’re gonna get it. I-I-I-I can feel it.

Phoebe: Can you?

Rachel: Ah, all right. Here’s to Ross!

Ross: And-and to years of hard work finally paying off.

Phoebe: And to knowing that your career doesn’t mean everything. (Rachel mouths “aah”)

Ross: But also knowing it means a lot.

Monica: But more importantly to full well-rounded lives.

Ross: …that center around work.

Chandler: To Ross!

All (except Rachel): Ross!

(they all drink from the champagne, but clearly dislike the taste of it)

Ross: You know what the best part about this is? I can never be fired.

Phoebe: Oh God!

Ross: No seriously. I have job security for life. You know, I never have to worry. (Rachel starts crying) Oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me.

Rachel: (crying) No, it’s not that. I got fired today. And I didn’t get the other job.

Ross: Rach, I’m so sorry.

Rachel: Oh!

Ross: Great. I feel like an idiot.

Rachel: No, it’s okay, you didn’t know.

Ross: Oh… (to the others) Little heads-up would have been nice.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s future house. They enter the living room with the realtor and Joey.]

Monica: Thank you for letting us see the house again.

Chandler: And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means… I’ve already forgotten what you said, but thank you.

Realtor: Take as long as you want. Just let me know when you’re through. (she leaves the room)

Monica: Ah, so glad you decided to come.

Joey: Me too. Yeah, this place is great. I’m so happy for you guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Fungus! Yeah. Place is full of it.

Monica: No it’s not. We had an inspection and they didn’t find anything.

Joey: Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason.

Monica: Maybe because it’s you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here.

Joey: Maybe. So this is the living room huh? Ooh, it’s pretty dark. (starts feeling around him like he’s in a completely dark room, touching Chandler, who backs out and hits him)

Monica: No it’s not!

Joey: (squinting his eyes) Are you kiddin’? I think I just saw a bat in the corner!

Chandler: When your head was hanging out the window, it didn’t hit a mailbox, did it?

Joey: (glares at him for a moment, then admits grudgingly) Maybe. Well, I just think you guys can do better than this house, you know? Or any other house for that matter.

Monica: Oh Joey, look, we know you’re having a hard time with this, but we really, we love it here.

Joey: FINE, ok, if you love this house so much, then you should just live here, okay? I just hope you get used to that weird humming sound. (He turns his back to them and starts humming) Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

Monica: Joey, we know that’s you.

Joey: no… hmmmmm… it’s not… hmmmmmmmmmm

[Scene: Phoebe is at Central Perk. Mike enters.]

Mike: Hey (He kisses Phoebe)

Phoebe: Welcome back!

Mike: Ah! I missed you

Phoebe: Oh, me too!

Mike: So, what’s new?

Phoebe: Well, I’m no longer Phoebe Buffay.

Mike: That’s great! You changed you name?

Phoebe: Yes I did! Meet: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock! (She smiles from ear to ear)

Mike: (afraid) You’re kidding right?

Phoebe: Nope.

Mike: You really did that?

Phoebe: Yep.

Mike: Yeah, but you can’t do that.

Phoebe: Why? It’s fun, it’s different, no-one else has a name like it.

Mike: (looks at her astonished) Alright, then I’m gonna change my name.

Phoebe: Great, okay, what are you gonna change it to?

Mike: Crap Bag.

Phoebe:(not amused) Mike Crap Bag?

Mike: No, no Mike, just Crap Bag. First name Crap, last name Bag.

Phoebe: You’re not serious, right?

Mike: Yeah, I’m serious. (sarcastic) It’s fun, it’s different and no-one else has a name like that!

Phoebe: Uhu, uhu, well, then, great. If you love it, I love it.

Mike: I do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela.

Phoebe: And I love Crap.

[Scene: Joey is in Monica and Chandler’s future house, sitting in a child’s bedroom, looking at a quiz card which has “5+10=” printed on one side.]

Joey: (turns the card around, obviously had the wrong answer) Ow!

(A young girl enters)

Girl: Who are you?

Joey: Oh, hi, I’m Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house. Who are you?

Girl: I’m Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house.

Joey: (understanding) Oh.

Mackenzie: (sighs) I hate my parents.

Joey: I hate my friends. (They shake on it as if they just made a pact) Alright, look. There’s gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening.

Mackenzie: Like what?

Joey: (thinking) Uhm… oh! Okay. You come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted!

Mackenzie: What are you? Eight?

Joey: Woah, uh! Okay, let’s hear your great idea.

Mackenzie: I don’t have any great ideas. I am eight.

Joey: (frustrated) Ahh! There’s gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean?

Mackenzie: I really don’t.

Joey: What am I gonna do, I feel like I’m losing my friends.

Mackenzie: My parents say I’m gonna make new friends.

Joey: Oh, yeah, sure, easy for you, you’re young. Me, I’m set in my ways.

Mackenzie: This is what my mom was talking about. Whiners are wieners. (Joey glares at her angrily) Look, you want your friends to be happy, right?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, I guess.

Mackenzie: Well, if moving here is gonna make them happy, don’t you want them to do it?

Joey: (having difficulty admitting it) Yeah, maybe.

Mackenzie: Then you gotta let them go.

Joey: (In near tears, realizes she is right) I hate to admit it, but you’re probably right. How did you get to be so smart?

Mackenzie: I read a lot.

Joey: (his mood changes instantly) Just when I thought we could be friends. (he leaves the room)

[Scene: Outside Ralph Lauren building. Rachel just walked out carrying a box of her stuff, and a strange man approaches her.]

Man: Hey Rach, I just heard. I’m so sorry.

Rachel: Oh, thank you… (looks at his face trying to remember his name)

Man: You still don’t know my name, do you?

Rachel: (Is embarrassed for a moment, but it quickly passes) Well, now I don’t have to. (The man leaves instantly)

(In the meantime, Ross is trying to squeeze and push a rather large chair through the revolving doors of the Ralph Lauren building.)

Rachel: (annoyed) Ross, what is taking you so long?

Ross: (stares at her through the door and starts pushing the chair harder, looking very annoyed. He finally manages) (sarcastic) I’m sorry, it’s almost as if this wasn’t built for a quick getaway!

(Mark, approaches from behind and recognizes her)

Mark: Rachel?

Rachel: (turns around) Mark? Oh my God! (puts the box on the chair and they hug each other)

Mark: How’ve you been?

Rachel: I’m fantastic. You remember Ross?

Mark: Sure, sure. (To Ross) What’s with the chair. (Rachel signals him not to mention she’s been fired)

Ross: Uh, you know, you can’t always get a seat on the subway, so… (laughs stupidly)

Mark: Clever. (back to Rachel) So how are you?

Rachel: Oh, well, (looks at her box and chair) you’re not catching me on my best day.

Mark: Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn’t exactly say big promotion.

Rachel: No, but it’s good, you know, I’m gonna take some time off and do some charity work.

Mark: Are you sure, because we may have something at Louis Vuitton.

Rachel: Well, screw charity work. What’ve you got?

Mark: Why don’t we have dinner tonight and talk about it?

Rachel: Great! I’ll call ya!

Mark: (shakes Ross’ hand) Nice to see you.

Ross: Yeah! yeah, I got tenure! (Mark looks at him strangely and walks off)

Rachel: (very excited) Oh my God!

Ross: See? I told you something good would come along. And he seemed really nice. I’ve met him before?

Rachel: Ross! That’s Mark. From Bloomingdales? You were insanely jealous of him.

Ross: (realizing) That is Mark?

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: I hate that guy.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: No, no, NO, you cannot go to dinner with him.

Rachel: What? You don’t want me to get a job?

Ross: Oh yeah, I’m sure he’s gonna give you a job. Maybe make you his SEXretary.

Rachel: Ugh.

Ross: I’m serious. I just don’t trust that guy, okay?

Rachel: Ross, you know what? (looks over to the door and sees security staring at them) Okay, let’s talk about it later, there comes security. (Takes her box and leaves. Ross follows her and then returns for the chair. He stands for a moment, then pushes it quickly in the general direction Rachel went into, and out of the camera’s view, and then nonchalantly walks away)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s new house. Sitting near the window, they look at the neighborhood.]

Monica: Oh, I love this street. The trees, the big front yards, the actual picket fences.

Chandler: Man, those two dogs are going at it!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey, where have you been?

Joey: Oh, just er… you know, looking around. But you know what? This house… is great.

Chandler: Really? What changed your mind?

Joey: Oh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.

Chandler: Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago.

(Joey’s eyes double in size)

Joey: (frightened) What?

Chandler: Ha! I’m just messing with you.

Joey: That’s not funny! You know I’m afraid of little girl ghosts!

Monica: Joey, now that you’re okay with the house, do you wanna go see your room?

Joey: What? I get my own room?

Chandler: You don’t think we’d buy a house and not have a Joey room do you?

Joey: Oh my God! (they all hug) Oh! Hey, can I have an aquarium? And a sex swing?

Chandler and Monica: No!

Joey: Why not? I’ll keep the tank clean.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are leaving.]

Mike: After you, miss Banana Hammock.

Phoebe: Thank you, mister Bag.

(a woman enters and recognizes Phoebe)

Woman: Oh hey, how are you?

Phoebe: Oh hi Rita! Good! (to Mike) Oh, Rita’s a massage client.

Mike: Oh! Why don’t you introduce me?

Phoebe: (shrugs) Er, Rita, this is my husband.

Rita: Oh! (they shake hands)

Phoebe: Yeah.

Mike: Why don’t you tell her my name?

Phoebe: (without moving her lips, wearing a fake smile) Okay, I will. (to Rita) This is my husband Crap Bag.

Rita: Crap Bag?

Mike: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.

Rita: Okay. Excuse me…

Phoebe: Yeah… Ogh… Okay, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again?

Mike: Only if you’ll be Phoebe Buffay.

Phoebe: How about uhm… How about Buffay-Hannigan?

Mike: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah. I’m Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan Banana Hammock.

Mike: Do you even know what a banana hammock is?

Phoebe: It’s a funny word.

Mike: It’s a Speedo.

Phoebe: …Oh crap!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey, is Rachel here?

Monica: No.

Ross: She’s still at dinner?

Monica: I guess. Why? Who’s she with?

Ross: That guy Mark. From Bloomingdale’s… She thinks he’s just being nice to her. But I know he really wants to sleep with her.

Chandler: It’s seven years ago. (he looks surprised) My time machine works!

Ross: We ran into him on the street today and he said he might have a job for her. But I know he just wants to get into her pants.

Monica: So what if he wants to sleep with her? I mean, she’s single and he’s cute.

Chandler: Excuse me?

Monica: Oh please! Yesterday on the subway? You couldn’t stop staring at that woman with the big breasts the whole time.

Chandler: For your information, I was staring at her baby. We’re about to be parents.

Monica: Oh, sorry!

(She looks at Ross, a bit ashamed. Chandler mimes “big breasts” to Ross and lip syncs “Wow”. Ross looks at him, astonished and then Monica looks at Chandler again. A little too late he changes the “big breasts” mime into “rocking a baby”. When he realizes Monica might have seen it he also strokes his imaginary baby’s head.)

Rachel: (entering) Hi you guys!

Ross: Hey, so uhm… How was dinner?

Rachel: Oh, it was great. Mark is so sweet.

Ross: (speaking without pause, agitated) Oh yeah? Yeah? I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want?

Rachel: Oh Ross, come on. He’s happily married. His wife just had twins.

Ross: Should we send something?

Chandler: How did the job stuff go?

Rachel: He offered me one.

Chandler: That’s great!

Ross: Congratulations!

Rachel: I know, it’s amazing. It’s amazing. It’s so much better than what I had at Ralph Lauren. The money is great

Ross: Can we, can we just stop for a second? Who said something better would come along, huh? You didn’t believe me. I told you everything was gonna work out. (gasps) You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest.

Rachel: The job is in Paris. (they all stare at each other)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Joey’s on the phone.]

Joey: I mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but… am I missing opportunities? You know, I’ve always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies?

Mackenzie: (at the other end of the line) I don’t know… You know what? I’m gonna put you on with my bear. Hold on. (she puts the phone at the bears ear)

Joey: Hey bear, I need some career advice.

THE END

Read Full Post »

Written by: Sherry Bilding-Graham & Ellen Plummer
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone’s sitting on the couch and Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hi

All: Hey! Hi!

Rachel: How was the honeymoon?

Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic!

Rachel: Oh!

Chandler: So, where’s Mike?

Phoebe: Oh, he’s at the doctor, he didn’t poop the whole time we were there!

Joey: Well anyway, I’m glad you’re back, I really need your help.

Phoebe: Oh, why? What’s up?

Joey: I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my résumé, I’m fluent in.

Ross: Joey, you shouldn’t lie on your résumé.

Monica: Yeah, you really shouldn’t. (to Ross, sarcastically) By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?

Ross: (whispering) It was ok…

Rachel: I did not know you spoke French.

Phoebe: Oui, bien sur je parle Français! Qu’est-ce que tu penses alors?

Rachel: Oh… you’re so sexy!

Joey: Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play.

Phoebe: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami.

Rachel: Seriously stop it, or I’m gonna jump on ya.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Why are you wearing my apron?

Monica: I’m making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour.

Chandler: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as “my wife” and “the woman who’s carrying my child”? (she’s not amused) No? Divorce?

Ross: (he enters) Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: You guys know where Rachel is?

Monica: No, we haven’t seen her since this morning.

Ross: So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. (he tries to take a cookie but Monica slaps his hand)

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Monica: These are for Erica!

Ross: What? She’s gonna eat all those cookies?

Monica: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat!

Ross: So, why is Erica coming to visit?

Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and she’s never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists’ spots… you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building…

Chandler: Oh, those places! There’s always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and… you know, there’s always some idiot who goes “Mooooo”!

Monica: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it?

Ross: (looking at Rachel entering with Emma) Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up thirty minutes late!

Rachel: Ross…

Ross: No, no, no, I’m sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney’s?

Rachel: My father had an heart attack… (crying) …while I was at Barney’s.

Ross: Oh my God.

Monica: Honey.

Chandler: I’m so sorry…

Ross: Is-is he ok?

Rachel: Yeah, they said he’s gonna be fine, but he’s still heavily sedated.

Ross: Ok, ok. I’m gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can’t be alone right now.

Rachel: No, come on, I’m totally ok. (hugging him) I don’t need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own.

Ross: Still-still, let me come… for me.

Rachel: Ok. If you really need to.

Ross: I bet someone could use one of Monica’s freshly baked cookies.

Rachel: Oh, I really could.

Ross: Oh!

Rachel: Ohh… (Ross mouths HA-HA at Monica and takes two cookies and she looks at him angrily)

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe’s trying to teach Joey French, so she’s sitting in front of him with the script in her hands.]

Phoebe: All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is “My name is Claude”, so, just repeat after me. “Je m’appelle Claude”.

Joey: Je de coup Clow.

Phoebe: Well, just… let’s try it again.

Joey: Ok.

Phoebe: Je m’appelle Claude.

Joey: Je depli mblue.

Phoebe: Uh. It’s not… quite what I’m saying.

Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.

Phoebe: It does, really?

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: All right, let just try it again. Really listen.

Joey: Got it.

Phoebe: (slowly) Je m’appelle Claude.

Joey: Je te flouppe Fli.

Phoebe: Oh, mon Dieu!

Joey: Oh, de fuff!

Monica: (entering with Erica and Chandler) Hey you guys.

Phoebe: Hi!

Joey: Hey.

Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!

Phoebe: Oh!

Monica: Joey. Erica, baby!

Joey: Hi.

Monica: Everyone. Erica, baby!

Chandler: Monica. Calm, self.

Erica: Thank you. It’s really nice to meet you guys, I can’t believe I’m here!

Joey: Welcome to New York City! Or should I say “ghe deu flooff New York City”?

Chandler: Why would you say that?

Phoebe: Ok. What are you gonna be doing today?

Erica: I wanna see everything! Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center…

Joey: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty.

Erica: Oh yeah, let’s do that!

Chandler: Great! (to Monica) This baby’d better to be really good.

[Scene: Hospital.]

Rachel: (stopping a nurse who’s coming out of a room) Oh, uhm, excuse me, I’m here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.

Ross: And I’m Doctor Ross Geller.

Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here.

Rachel: Can somebody please go in?

Nurse: Absolutely.

Ross: Rach, I think I’m gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don’t want to infect him.

Rachel: Ross, please, don’t be so scared of him!

Ross: I’m not scared of him, I’m really sick!

Nurse: He’s under sedation, so he’s pretty much out.

Ross: I’m feeling better.

Rachel: Oh! (They enter. Rachel sees his father, lying on a bed, with tubes, drip and everything) Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?

Nurse: Miss Green, your father’s doctor is on the phone if you’d like to speak to him.

Rachel: Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok?

Ross: He’s unconscious, I think we’ll be just fine!

Rachel (leaving): Ok.

(Ross goes into the room where Dr. Green is laying unconscious. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. Dr. Geller awakes.)

Ross: Did the TV wake you?

Dr. Green: No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter.

Ross: Ouchy.

Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller?

Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! (pause) So what’s new?

Dr. Green: Ooh, I have a little heart attack.

Ross: Right, is it painful?

Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?

Ross (he buzzes for the nurse) Let’s see if we can get that Rachel back here.

Dr. Green: So what’s new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately?

Ross: Nope, just the one. RACH!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Phoebe is trying to teach Joey French.]

Phoebe: Je m’appelle Claude.

Joey: Je do call blue!

Phoebe: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let’s try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. “je”.

Joey: je.

Phoebe: m’ap

Joey: mah

Phoebe: pelle

Joey: pel.

Phoebe: Great, ok faster! “je”

Joey: je.

Phoebe: m’ap

Joey: mah

Phoebe: pelle

Joey: pel.

Phoebe: Je m’appelle!

Joey: Me pooh pooh!

Phoebe: Ok, it’s too hard, I can’t teach you!

Joey: What are you doing?

Phoebe: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. (she leaves)

Joey: (he goes out calling her) Don’t move! Don’t go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me lah peeh! Ombrah! (he gives up). Pooh.

[Scene: Green’s mansion. Rachel’s Room. Rachel’s is combing her hair; Ross’s coming into the room]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad’s fridge was bacon and heavy cream. (pause) I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack.

Rachel: Uh. (pause) Did you call your parents?

Ross: Oh, yeah. Emma’s doing great.

Rachel: Oh good.

Ross: Wow.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Just can’t believe I’m in Rachel Green’s room.

Rachel: What do you mean? You’ve been in my room before!

Ross: Yeah, sure, right! Like I’ve ever been in Rachel Green’s room.

Rachel: Ok I gotta tell ya, it’s really weird when you use my whole name.

Ross: Sorry. (Rachel sits on her bed). You ok?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: You had a rough day, uh?

Rachel: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don’t expect doctors to get sick!

Ross: But we do! (pause) It’s gonna be ok, Rach!

Rachel: (she’s sad) Ow. I don’t want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital!

Ross: What? No, no! Hey, hey, hey look…

Rachel: What?

Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn’t even know if you were there. Look, we’ll go see him first thing in the morning, ok?

Rachel: Really, I shouldn’t feel guilty?

Ross: No, God! Hey, Rach, you’ve been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest.

Rachel: Ok, maybe you’re right.

Ross: (he kisses her on her forehead) Good night.

Rachel: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while?

Ross: Sure!

Rachel: Ok. (She sits on the bed and Ross sits near her) Thank you for coming with me today.

Ross: Oh, of course…

Rachel: Rachel Green is very happy you’re in her room!

Ross: Me too. Come here. (They hug)

Rachel: I just don’t want to be alone tonight.

Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or…(There’s one of those moments. They’re staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! I’m sorry, I just don’t think this, this, this is a good idea.

Rachel: Wait, we won’t know that until we do it, will we?

Ross: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you’re feeling vulnerable and I just don’t feel it would be right, I’d feel like I’d be, you know, taking advantage of you.

Rachel: Taking advantage? I’m giving you the advantage, enjoy!

Ross: Look, I’m sure it would be great, but I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so, I’m gonna go!

Rachel: Wow. Ok.

Ross: I’ll see you in the morning (he leaves).

Rachel: Mhm-mh!

Ross: (outside her room, talking by himself) Haven’t had sex in four months, I should get a medal for that!

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Monica and Erica have just arrived.]

Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time.

Monica: Oh, I’m glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming.

Chandler: (enters the room wearing an “I love New York” t-shirt, a “Statue of Liberty” hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome!

Monica: What is with you?

Chandler: Yeah, I’ve been to these places before, but I’ve never really seen them, you know.

Monica: Yeah, you miss alot, when you’re moo-ing.

Erica: Thanks so much for showing me around.

Monica: Oh! It was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you.

Erica: Well, if there is anything else you wanna know… (Monica and Chandler look at each other)

Chandler: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?

Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. (Monica and Chandler are smiling from ear to ear)

Chandler: That’s great.

Erica: Yeah… it’s almost definitely him. (Monica and Chandler look confused now)

Monica: How’s that now?

Erica: Well, there is a chance it’s another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.

Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too?

Erica: No, he’s in prison. (More shocked looks from Monica and Chandler)

Monica: Was he falsely accused of something? (They look hopeful)

Erica: No… he killed his father with a shovel. (Monica and Chandler’s jaws drop) But other than that, he’s a great guy.

Chandler: I’ll bet his dad doesn’t think so.

(Time lapse. Chandler and Monica are in bed now)

Monica: Are you awake?

Chandler: Of course I’m awake. Assume from now on that I’m always awake! (He turns the light on)

Monica: Alright, we don’t know that it’s him. I mean, it could be the football guy.

Chandler: Honey, it’s us. Of course it’s the shovel-killer.

Monica: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently?

Chandler: I’d keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is.

Monica: How?

Chandler: I dunno, aren’t there tests for these things, right?

Monica: Yeah, but maybe we’re just over-reacting.

Chandler: Pff, easy for you to say, he’s a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He’s probably got a tattoo that says “mom” on his shovel-wielding arm!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. He is sitting on the barcalounger holding a French study book and listening to a French learning tape.]

Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.

Joey: Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk!

Tape: Good job.

Joey: Thank you.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again.

Joey: Oh, no, that’s okay, I don’t need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good!

Phoebe: Really, can I hear some of it.

Joey: Sure, sure. Ok, (clears his throat and starts to read from his script. He starts talking in a fake French accent, making gestures with his hands) “Bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu” (Phoebe looks astonished, annoyed and disgusted, Joey seems very proud though) See?

Phoebe: Well, you’re not, (she tries to smile and contain her anger, but loses it) You’re not… you’re not… again, you’re not SPEAKING FRENCH!

Joey: (offended) Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I’m definitely gonna get the part.

Phoebe: How could you possibly think that?

Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!

[Scene: The hospital. Rachel is pouring her self a cup of coffee. Ross approaches from behind.]

Ross: Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee?

Rachel: (She turns around very slowly, looks at him for a second and then turns back to her coffee) Sure. (She gives him the cup she was pouring for herself without looking at him)

Ross: You’ve been quiet all morning. Is everything okay?

Rachel: Hmm-hmm. (starts to pour herself a cup of coffee, never looking at Ross)

Ross: You sure you’re alright?

Rachel: (coldly) Yep.

Ross: (knowing she’s not alright) O-kay. Well, I’m gonna go grab us some breakfast. (He starts to leave)

Rachel: FYI..

Ross: (knew this was coming) There it is… (he comes back)

Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex… just do it. (she smiles fakely at him)

Ross: (half amused) Wait, wait, (looks around a little) You’re mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing.

Rachel: (sarcastically) Really? Well, it seems to me if you’d done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!

Ross: (acknowledging the last part of her sentence) Well…

Rachel: Oh stop that!

Ross: I can’t believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side)

Ross: Hey, I was looking out for you.

Rachel: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don’t need someone telling me what is best for me.

Ross: I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever.

Rachel: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn’t very good for me either. (She turns to leave and Ross over takes her and stands infront on her, his back to the row of doors leading to the hospital rooms)

Ross: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let’s just say, you and me, never having sex again.

Rachel: What?

Ross: That’s right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel’s dad glares at him with a deadly look)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Monica and Erica enter, Chandler is in the kitchen.]

Chandler: Hey! How was lunch?

Erica: (To Chandler) We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob (Monica smiles at Chandler and his he looks shocked and scared, getting no support from his wife)

Chandler: (struggling) Oh, really?

Erica: No! (To Monica) You we’re right, that was fun! I’m gonna go finish packing.

Chandler: O-okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So, is she gonna take the test?

Monica: Nope, she doesn’t have to, I found out who the father is.

Chandler: Oh God. It’s shovely-Joe, isn’t it?

Monica: (smiling) No it’s not.

Chandler: How do you know?

Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn’t pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy… it’d be pretty hard to make a baby that way.

Chandler: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?

Monica: The thing we never do.

Chandler: (nods in appreciation) Shovely Joe!

[Scene: The theatre where Joey is auditioning. Phoebe enters when Joey’s on stage and she sits down. He hasn’t seen her.]

Director: Whenever you’re ready Joey.

Joey: Right. (clears his throat) Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, c’est la pu les la lu blah bloo.

Casting assistant: I’m sorry, what’s going on?

Joey: Dude, come on! French it u-up!

Director: Joey, do you speak French?

Joey: Toutes la smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoof!

Director: You know what. I think this audition is over. (Joey looks disappointed, but understands.)

Phoebe: (in a French accent) Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Reginé Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estée Lauder.

Director: You really think this man is speaking French?

Joey: Sa-sa-saw!

Phoebe: Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. C’est mon petit frère. Il est un peu retardé. (Translation: Listen, I will tell you the truth. He’s my little bother. He’s a bit retarded.)

(The director looks at Joey and he nods.)

Phoebe: Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui… (Translation: So, would you please just humor him?)

Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we’re gonna go with someone else for the part.

Joey: Ah. All right. But my French was good?

Director: It was great.

Joey: (to Phoebe) Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See!

Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.)

Joey: Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen counter and Ross enters from Rachel and Emma’s room.]

Ross: Emma’s down for the night.

Rachel: Oh, good.

Ross: So uh… I guess I wanna take off.

Rachel: Okay… Hey listen, just before you go I-I again, I just wanna say “thank you” for coming with me.

Ross: Oh, no problem.

Rachel: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and… it’s probably not a great idea to go down that road again.

Ross: Thank you. I’m glad you agree.

Rachel: It’s a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good.

Ross: Yeah… Yeah, that’s true.

Rachel: Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time…?

Ross: Oh, ye-ah!

Rachel: You know it was you’re uhm… birthday…

Ross: …Valentine’s day…

Both: (long pause, they realize) Oh yeah!

Rachel: Well, I guess that’s all in the past, now.

Ross: Hmmm-mmmm.

Rachel: (after a pause) Not even one more time?

Ross: Not even once.

Rachel: No matter how much we want it.

Ross: Even if we want it really bad.

Rachel: That’s what we decided.

Ross: Uhm, right!

Rachel: …It’s kinda hard though!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that’s… just seems like such a… waste.

Ross: …I hate waste.

Rachel: …Ross?

Ross: Yes?

Rachel: Just so you know… With us… it’s never off the table. (she enters her room and closes the door.)

Ross: Damn it. It’s never off the table. (he leaves the apartment)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment. Phoebe and Joey are “updating” Joey’s resumé.]

Phoebe: Okay, can you really tapdance?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: It’s off the resumé. (she strikes it through with a pencil)

Phoebe: Archery?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Horseback riding?

Joey: Would fall off a lot.

Phoebe: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?

Joey: That I can do.

Phoebe: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?

Joey: All right, watch me! (he takes a full container of milk from the fridge) Okay, you time me. Ready?

Phoebe: Ready… GO!

(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps “drinking” and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.)

Phoebe: (checking her watch) You did it!

THE END

Read Full Post »

Written by: Robert Carlock & Dana Klein
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey’s sitting on the couch and Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Oh, hey Joey.

Joey: Uh, hey.

Phoebe: Listen, I need to ask you something. Ok, you know how my step dad’s in prison.

Joey: (afraid) Yeah.

Phoebe: Yeah. Well, uhm… listen he was supposed to get a weekend furlough, so he’d come to the wedding tomorrow, but he just called and… uhm… well, apparently stabbing Iceman in the exercise yard just couldn’t wait till Monday.

Joey: So he can’t come?

Phoebe: No, and so there’s no one to walk me down the aisle and… well, I would just really love it if you would do it.

Joey: Seriously?

Phoebe: Yeah, you’ve… you know, sort of been like a dad to me. I mean, you’ve always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom…

Joey: I am pretty wisdomous.

Phoebe: So… what do you say?

Joey: Are you kidding? Phoebe, I would be honored. (they hug)

Phoebe: Oh, thank you. I hope… I hope you know how much you mean to me.

Joey: (takes her hand) Listen, I hope… that you know… (has difficulty saying it) I don’t want you to see your father cry, GO TO YOUR ROOM!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch. A waitress brings a coffee and Phoebe wants to pay.]

Phoebe: Oh.

Joey: Oh no, no, no, let your dad get this.

Phoebe: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, it’s my wedding planner. She’s driving me crazy! (she answers) Hello… Hey, ok, stop screaming! Ok? So, halibut. All right, so salmon, either way. I don’t-I don’t… it doesn’t matter to me!

Monica: (she enters with a headset on and she’s speaking into the microphone) Well, it matters to me!

Phoebe: Well, I don’t care, so you pick!

Monica: Did you just hung up on me? (she hangs up too) All right, look, I need you at the rehearsal dinner tonight at 1800 hours.

Phoebe: Uh-uh. Ok. What time is that.

Monica: You don’t know military time?

Phoebe: Why, I must have been in missile training the day they taught that.

Monica: Just subtract twelve.

Phoebe: Ok, so… 1800 minus twelve is… one thousand, seven hundred and…

Monica: (screaming) Six o’clock!

Phoebe: Ok.

Monica: Ok. Hold on. (her mobile phone rings) Geller here! No! I said it has to be there by 4 o’clock. Goodbye. (she hangs up) Oh, how hard it is to make an ice sculpture?

Phoebe: Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy! I told you I just want a simple wedding.

Monica: Please… honey, leave the details to me. Now I wanna make this day as special for you as I can. Now, ok, I was thinking that the harpist should wear white.

Phoebe: What harpist? My friend Marjorie is playing the steel drums.

Monica: Ooh… she backed out.

Phoebe: She did? Why?

Monica: I made her. (Phoebe looks shocked) Steel drums don’t really say “elegant wedding”. Nor does Marjorie’s overwhelming scent.

Phoebe: (looking angry) Hey! She will shower when Tibet is free.

[Scene: The wedding rehearsal dinner.]

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: You look great. I’m so glad we’re having this rehearsal dinner, you know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.

Phoebe: Okay, what did we say was your one gift to us?

Chandler: No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding.

Phoebe: Rehearse it!

Ross: Hi! (he kisses Phoebe)

Mike: Thanks for coming you guys.

Ross: Oh, (he goes towards Mike in order to shake hands but Mike hugs him) hey, oh… I… I was-I was going for a hand shake.

Mike: Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch?

Ross: That is why!

Mike: Yeah.

Phoebe: So Rach.

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Where is Emma?

Rachel: Oh, Monica made me send her to my mother’s. Apparently babies and weddings don’t mix.

Monica: (coming) Are you still crying about your damn baby? Pheebs, you gotta keep the line moving, remember, 20 seconds per person. Your see these clowns all the time! (she takes off)

Joey: Hey, you’re Mike’s parents, right?

Mike’s mother: Yes, we are.

Joey: Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, uh?

Mike’s father: How’s that?

Joey: You know, on the one hand you’re happy for them, but on the other hand it’s hard to let go.

Mike’s father: Who in God’s name are you?

Joey: Hey, I’m not that fond of you either, ok buddy? But I’m just trying to be nice for the kids!

(cut to Ross, Chandler and Rachel)

Chandler: (to Rachel) You know what I just realized? We have no idea what we’re doing in the wedding tomorrow.

Ross: Yeah, I thought we’d be groomsmen, but wouldn’t they have asked us by now? When did they ask you to be their bridesmaid?

Rachel: Uh… November?

Ross: I wanna say it’s not looking good.

Rachel: Hey Pheebs…

Phoebe: What’s up?

Rachel: Uhm… you haven’t told these guys what they’re doing in the wedding yet.

Chandler: Heh.

Phoebe: Uhm… well, they’re not in the wedding.

Ross: What? (Ross and Chandler don’t know what to say, so there’s an embarrassing long pause)

Rachel: Well, this is really awkward (staring at the floor) Oh, and I can leave!

Phoebe: I’m sorry you guys but, you know, Mike’s got his brother and his friends from school so… you know, you were-you were… if it helps you, you were next in line, you just-you just missed the cut.

Ross: Oh, man!

Chandler: This is like figure skating team all over again. (Phoebe and Ross glare at him astonished) I mean synchronized swimming. (they continue to glare) I mean- I mean the balance beam. (to Ross) Help me!

Ross: FOOTBALL!

Chandler: Thank you.

Monica: (looking at Phoebe eating something) Pheebs, spit that out, that has pork in it.

Phoebe: Oh! I though the pot stickers were supposed to be vegetarian!

Monica: Yeah, I changed them. I-I sent you a fax about it!

Phoebe: I don’t have a fax machine.

Monica: Ah, well then there are gonna be a few surprises!

Ross: I can’t believe we’re gonna be the only people that aren’t in this wedding.

Chandler: I know, I hate being left out of things.

Ross: And it’s a wedding! It’d be weird if I’m not in it…

Mike: Hey guys, how is it going?

Chandler: Fine. We’re just sitting here. Alone. Doing nothing. It’s our rehearsal for tomorrow.

Mike: Yeah look, about tomorrow, I… I’ve got a question for ya. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and can’t make it.

Chandler: What happened?

Ross: Who cares, AND?

Mike: …and I was wondering if… you know, maybe one of you guys… (Ross stands up)

Ross: I’ll do it!

Chandler: (standing up too) M-Me-me-me!

Mike: You both wanna do it? Uhm… there’s only room for one.

Chandler: Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus.

Ross: No, Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me, I mean… watch! (he mimics the groommens way of walking down the aisle with a bridesmaid) Huh?

Mike: You know, I really don’t feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better, I’m gonna let her choose. (he leaves)

Ross: (to Chandler) Well, if Phoebe’s choosing, then say hello to Mike’s next groomsman.

Chandler: Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror… as he is me!

Ross: Please, you’re going down!

Chandler: You are going downer!

Ross: Is that what they say on the Figure Skating Team?

Chandler: (almost crying) I wouldn’t know, I didn’t make it! (they hug)

[Scene: Wedding rehearsal dinner. Joey and Mike are talking.]

Joey: So, you know I’m filling in for Phoebe’s step dad, tomorrow, right?

Mike: Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that.

Joey: Oh, hey, my pleasure. (he suddenly becomes very serious) So what are your intentions with my Phoebe?

Mike: I intend to marry her.

Joey: Oh, a wiseacre. (Mike looks bewildered). No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn’t that kind of unstable?

Mike: No more so than acting.

Joey: Strike two!

Mike: You’re right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, dad?

Joey: Strike three! You only get one more, Mike!

(Cut to Chandler and Ross. Phoebe comes out of the ladies room and they run toward her.)

Ross: So, what did you decide?

Phoebe: I decided to pee.

Chandler: Mike didn’t tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out.

Phoebe: Oh no, no. I can’t choose between you two! I love you both so much!

Chandler: Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party.

Phoebe: Oh, I don’t wanna choose! It’s (Rachel is walking by). Oh okay, wait. Rach! Listen I have a very special bridesmaid task for you today.

Rachel: (excited and clapping her hands in front of her face) Goody, what is it!

Phoebe: Well, there’s a spot open for only one groomsman and you have to choose between Ross and Chandler. So good luck with that.

Rachel: What, what, what, no, I don’t wanna do that.

Phoebe: All right, I guess I’ll have to find a new bridesmaid.

Ross: I’ll do it! (Monica approaches)

Monica: Ok, it’s 2100 hours. (to Phoebe) Time for your toast. (Mike appears)

Mike: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?

Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! (to Phoebe and Mike). Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out!

Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler?

Monica: (very serious) It’s 2101 and I am not amused. (pause). Ok, the bride and groom have a few words they’d like to say. (Everyone sits and Phoebe gets up)

Phoebe: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow’s the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn’t get off to the best start. (she reads a note). My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I… (Monica is twirling her hands in order to make Phoebe speed up her speech) oh I… hum… I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn’t be here tonight because… (Monica is tapping her watch with her finger) it’s not important… she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn’t have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and (Monica clears her throat) but despite, you know… it got… it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn’t be here…

Monica (rolling her eyes): oh God.

Phoebe: And… moment’s over! (Rachel, Joey and Chandler all turn and look disapprovingly towards Monica but she just shrugs it off) So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm… (she’s flipping cards skipping half of them) Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to… that, to… Oh, ok, well, uhm, I (Monica is miming CUT). Ok, ok, I, ok, I…. MONICA I CAN’T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON’T WANT THIS (she mimes Monica’s when she was twirling her hands) OR THIS (she taps her watch) OR THIS (she mimes CUT) OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! (pause) You know what? You’re done.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: YOU’RE FIRED! (mimes the CUT again) (pause and she raises her glass) Cheers! (Chandler raises his, smiling and Monica stares at him and he puts down his glass.)

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Joey’s having breakfast; Phoebe enters the room carrying her wedding dress.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Happy wedding day!

Phoebe: Oh, happy my wedding day to you!

Rachel: Ok-dokey, Joey, listen. This is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We’re gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages.

Joey: Oh, man! I wouldn’t have had breakfast if I knew there was going to be corsages!

(Monica enters the room)

Monica: Hi. About last night… I know you are under a lot of stress and even though the things you said hurt me a little bit… My point is, uh, well, I’m willing to take my job back.

Phoebe: Oh, well that’s ok. I think you and I will do much better if you’re just… here as a bridesmaid.

Monica: Oh, is that so? Ok. If that’s really what you want, then here… I give you the headset. Well, I don’t really want to give you the headset. Well I guess if you’re taking over, you should probably return these messages. (hands her a stack of papers with messages and calls to return)

Phoebe: Wow, this is a lot!

Monica: Uh-huh, but I’m sure you can handle this. I mean, I have won awards for my organizational skills, but, uh, I’m sure you’ll do fine.

Phoebe: You won awards?

Monica: Mm-mh. I printed them out on my computer.

(Ross enters the room)

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Ross: Where’s Rach?

Monica: She’s in her room, why?

Ross: I have to talk to her about this groomsman situation, ok? I’m not gonna watch Chandler up there while I’m sitting in the seats like some chump! (he goes to Rachel’s room, knocks the door and enters the room). (very fake gasp) Oh! My God! You’re breathtaking!

Rachel: What d’you want?

Ross: You haven’t by any chance chosen a groomsman yet, have you?

Rachel: Oh, Ross, c’mon, please! Don’t make this harder than it already is!

Ross: I’m not! I’m making it easier! Pick me!

Rachel: Well, Chandler said that it’s really important to him too!

Ross: Listen, listen. Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you! Now, I promise I won’t say a word, but if you pick Chandler he’s gonna be whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time!

Rachel: Oh, you are the lesser of two evils!

Ross: (waving his fist in the air in triumph) YES, YES!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Phoebe is talking at the phone, Monica is listening amused.]

Phoebe: Sven I don’t understand what you’re saying! What is wrong with the flowers? Lorkins? What the hell are lorkins?

Monica: I know.

(Mike enters the room).

Mike: Hey.

Phoebe: Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word “lorkins” what flowers would that be?

Mike: (thinks a moment) Orchids?

Phoebe: Right there! That’s why I’m marrying you!

(Joey comes out from his room)

Joey: (to Mike) Hello Michael.

Mike: Joseph.

Joey: May I have a word with you, please?

Mike: (looking around the room) This is… great…

Joey: Have a seat. (Mike sits on his bed, and Joey towers over him. He starts talking in an Italian godfather-type voice) Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family… and instead, you disrespect me… (shakes his head) I cannot allow this.

Mike: (not amused) Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?

Joey: More back talk. And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for “Family Honor 2: Thissa Time Itsa Personal.”

Mike: Joey, I kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want?

Joey: I want you to take this seriously! Phoebe is very very important to me, ok? And I wanna make sure that you are gonna take care of her.

Mike: (gets up) Joe, I love Phoebe. She’s the single most important thing in my life. I’d die before I let anything happen to her.

Joey: (very satisfied and smiling) That’s what I wanted to hear! Because she’s family, ok, and now you’re gonna be family, and there is nothing more important in the whole world, than family.

Mike: That must have been one lousy movie.

Joey: (almost crying) That was ME!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler is pacing and Rachel walks in.]

Rachel: Hi

Chandler: Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing? If you pick Ross, he’ll walk you down the isle just fine. But if you choose me, you’ll be getting some comedy!

Rachel: Even so, I think I’m gonna pick Ross.

Chandler: Let me tell you why you need to pick me. (Goes to sit on the couch facing backwards to the kitchen. Rachel gets a chair and sits opposite him) See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel… insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn’t even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I’m the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back.

Rachel: All right fine, I pick you.

Chandler: (Getting up and raising his fist in victory) Y-Y-YEEESSS! Make “groom” for Chandler.

Rachel: (not amused by his pun but forcing a smile anyway) Oh my…

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment. Phoebe is on the phone and Monica is nonchalantly “minding her own business”.]

Phoebe: No! We’re gonna do it my way. (listens) Because your way is stupid! Alright I gotta go, I have another call, Reverend. (switches calls) Hello?

(Mike and Joey come out of Joey’s room)

Joey: I’m glad we had this little talk.

Mike: Yes. Yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice. (walks away) That didn’t make me uncomfortable at all! Alright, so I’ll see everybody tonight?

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Bye.

(Mike opens the door and there is a gigantic ice sculpture standing in the doorway)

Mike: Uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall?

Phoebe: Oh my God, what’s it doing here?

Monica: (Obviously enjoying this setback) Ugh, I guess it got sent to the billing address as opposed to the shipping address. (by now she can barely keep herself from smiling) Uh! What a pickle.

Phoebe: (starting to panic) Oh my God, everything is such a mess. Why is this happening to me?

Joey: (staring at the ice sculpture) How bad do you want to stick your tongue on that? (They all glare at him)

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee at the counter. Chandler walks in.]

Chandler: How’s it going?

Ross: (smiling to himself) Good. I’m just getting some coffee. So I’m alert for the wedding.

Chandler: (smiling to himself too) That’s what I was doing too.

Ross: (barely containing himself at this point) Well, you have fun tonight.

Chandler: You too.

Ross: Oh, I will.

Chandler: Me too.

(They walk passed each other, Ross towards the door, Chandler towards the counter, suddenly they turn around to face each other)

Ross: Wait a minute, I know why I’m being such an ass, why are you?

Chandler: I’m not supposed to tell you.

Ross: I’m not supposed to tell you!

(Cut to Joey and Rachel’s apartment. Chandler and Ross storm in looking very unhappy)

Chandler: You told us both we could be in the wedding? (they both stare at Rachel)

Rachel: Well, in my defense, you were not supposed to tell each other.

Ross: Rachel, only one of us can do it, you have to choose. You and me together again. (he winks at her and Rachel looks disgusted)

Chandler: Rach, Rach, knock knock.

Rachel: Who’s there?

Chandler: I’ll tell you at the wedding.

Rachel: Uh.

(Mike walks in.)

Mike: Hey, I forgot my scarf.

Rachel: You know what, I can’t do this. I don’t know which one of you guys to pick.

Mike: Oh, you haven’t picked yet. Oh good, ’cause I had an idea. I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman was my family dog. Chappy.

Ross: What? A dog? No! Rachel gets to choose.

(all eyes turn to Rachel)

Rachel: (sarcastic) Wow, this is a tough one. I think I’m gonna have to go with the dog.

(Ross and Chandler look shocked)

(Cut to Phoebe who is in the living room, still on the phone.)

Phoebe: Alright, wait, so what you’re saying is that the chef is at the Hamilton Club, but the food is not and the drinks are there, but the bartender is not? Are you, are you FREAKING KIDDING ME!?

Monica: (enjoying what she’s seeing) How’s it going?

Phoebe: (to Monica) Help me.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: I want you to be Crazy Bitch again.

Monica: (Sounds moved) Really?

Phoebe: (Nearly in tears) Please?

Monica: You really want me to come back?

Phoebe: More than I wanna get married.

Monica: Ok people, we are back in business! (Gets her headset out of her purse) Oh God, we’ve missed you soo much! (takes all the notes from Phoebe) Ok, go and get your hair and make-up done, and I’ll take care of everything.

(Joey walks in)

Joey: Hey, what are you guys gonna do?

Phoebe: (sounds scared already) About what?

Joey: The blizzard. I just saw on the news, it’s like the worst snow storm in 20 years! They already closed all the bridges and tunnels. (Opens the curtains to reveal a snow storm outside)

Monica: Ooh! But the band and the photographer are coming all the way in from New Jersey!

Joey: I don’t think they are.

Ross: (to Rachel) Haha! Looks like you’re not going to be in the wedding either. (Looks at Phoebe) So sorry Pheebs.

[Scene: Monica’s apartment. They are all sitting around.]

Monica: (Putting down her phone) Well, the club lost it’s power.

Joey: Yeah according to the news, most of the city did.

Rachel: Since when do you watch the news?

Joey: Uh, for your information, since they hired a very hot weather girl.

Ross: (To Phoebe and Mike) I can’t believe you guys aren’t going to be able to get married today.

Phoebe: I know.

Rachel: Wow, you know, it’s so beautiful out there. You always wanted to get married outside. Why don’t you guys just do it on the street?

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: Well, look, it’s hardly snowing anymore. I mean you couldn’t ask for a more romantic setting. This could be the simple wedding you’ve always wanted!

Phoebe: (Turning to Mike) What do you think?

Mike: I think I wanna get married to you today.

Phoebe: Me too! (turning to Monica) Monica, do you think we could do it?

Monica: (thinking) AFFIRMATIVE!

[Scene: Outside. They are a bunch of people arranging chairs, shoveling snow and making other preparations.]

Monica: (walking around with her headset still on) OK LET’S GET THESE CHAIRS OUT HERE! Gunther, hit the Christmas lights. (He does so and the lights above the chairs light up. Monica looks satisfied) Okay, who left the ice sculpture (picks up a piece of ice from the ground) ON THE STEAM GRATE? (nobody answers)

Mike’s mom: Michael!

Mike: Hey! You made it. Great! Chappy! Hi! (kisses his dad) Hi! (kisses his mom) Mom, I know getting married in the street isn’t something you approve of…

Mike’s mom: No… It’s lovely. The lights and the snow. I could look at them forever.

Mike’s dad: (leans in towards Mike) I crushed a pill and put it in her drink… (to his wife) Come on, sweetheart.

Mike: (to Chandler and Ross) You know, Chappy’s too small to handle all this snow. Someone’s gonna have to walk him down the aisle.

Chandler: So technically, would this person be in the wedding?

Mike: I guess.

Chandler and Ross: I’ll do it!

Ross: No, but Chandler, hello… Aren’t you scared of dogs?

Chandler: I’m not scared. (moves towards Mike and Chappy) I’ll just take little Chappy and… (he backs out) HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED.

Ross: (takes Chappy from Mike) Well, I guess I’m in the wedding then. Ha haaa… (smells Chappy) He stinks!

Monica: Level 1 alert. I repeat, level 1. This is not a drill. Okay we’ve got a situation. The minister just called. He’s snowed in. He can’t make it.

Mike: Oh, no!

Joey: Oh hey, don’t worry. I’m still ordained from your wedding.

Monica: Really?

Joey: Yeah, you’d think I’d give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? Huhuh…

Ross: Uhm, ministers don’t ride the subway for free.

Joey: I had to read the Bible pretty carefully, but… yeah we do.

Monica: Okay, if Joey does the ceremony, then we have to find someone else to walk Phoebe down the isle.

Chandler: (quickly) I’ll do it.

Ross: I’ll…

Chandler: (to Ross) Na ha ha… (to Chappy) Ne he he… (Ross moves Chappy to Chandler, who quickly backs away) Ah ah…

Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. (they walk off, Ross looks down to Chappy, who he’s holding and he gets a whiff of the dog’s smell. He is clearly disgusted by it.)

(Cut to inside Central Perk where Rachel is helping Phoebe. Chandler and Monica enter.)

Monica: Okay, Joey’s doing the ceremony and Chandler’s giving you away.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Hi new dad. (Chandler waves)

Monica: So, you’re ready to do this?

Phoebe: Uhuh, uhuh… Oh my God! This is really happening.

Rachel: Oh Phoebe, I’m so happy for you honey. (she gives her a kiss)

Phoebe: Oh, thank you.

Monica: I love you. (Phoebe leans in to kiss her.) Oh, wait, wait, wait! No hugs. The dresses… Oh what the hell. (the girls hug)

Phoebe: I love you guys.

Rachel and Monica: I love you.

Monica: Okay. (in her microphone) It’s zero hour. All teams execute on my count. (to all) Let’s get this bad boy on the road.

Chandler: (to Monica) Is it okay that I want you to wear that head set in bed tonight?

Monica: (checking her clipboard) I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours.

Chandler: Oh yeah! (Monica walks outside)

Monica: Okay Marjorie, hit it.

(A woman with a steel drum and a guy with a xylophone start playing an instrumental version of “Can’t Help Falling In Love” by Elvis Presley. A bridesmaid and a groomsman walk down the isle. Next are Rachel and Ross, who carries Chappy in his arms.)

Rachel: Geez Ross, you could have showered.

Ross: It’s the dog.

(we cut to Monica)

Monica: Groomsman, groomsman, why are you just standing there, where is your bridesmaid? (into microphone) We’ve got a broken arrow. Bridesmaid down! (realizes) Oh, that’s me.

(She walks down the aisle with the groomsman. We cut to inside Central Perk, where Phoebe and Chandler are waiting.)

Chandler: Ready?

Phoebe: (nervously) Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Oh wait, oh no. Wait.

(She takes off the coat she was wearing over her wedding dress, which is violet and has a darker shade petticoat underneath which shows at one side where the dress is lifted up to about the height of her hip and connected to the petticoat. She’s wearing a veil over her curly hair and a low cut top with straps only just hanging over her shoulders.)

Chandler: Wow! Aren’t you gonna be cold?

Phoebe: I don’t care… I’ll be my something blue.

Chandler: You look beautiful.

Phoebe: Thank you.

(They start to leave Central Perk. The band starts to play “Here, There and Everywhere” by the Beatles. The crowd rises from their seats. Phoebe and Chandler walk down the aisle. Phoebe really glows with happiness. So does Mike who watches her walk down the isle. When Phoebe and Chandler arrive, they kiss and Phoebe walks to her bridesmaids.)

Mike: My God! Aren’t you freezing?

Phoebe: Na-ah.

(the music ends)

Joey: Friends, family, dog… Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place… so I’m gonna do the short version of this. Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other. And I know I speak for every one here… when I wish them a lifetime of happiness. Who has the rings?

(one of the groomsmen gives the rings to Joey)

Joey: (whispering to Phoebe) Okay…

Phoebe: When I was growing up, I didn’t have a normal mom and dad, or a regular family like everybody else, and I always knew that something was missing. But now I’m standing here today, knowing that I have everything I’m ever gonna need… You are my family. (She puts the ring on Mikes finger)

Mike: Phoebe you’re so beautiful. You’re so kind, you’re so generous. You’re so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure, and I can’t believe how lucky I am, and I can’t wait to share my life with you forever. (He puts the ring on Phoebe’s finger.)

Phoebe: Oh wait, oh I forgot… and uhm… I love you… and you have nice eyes.

Mike: I love you too.

Ross: Uh Joey…

Joey: Yeah?

Ross: Chappy’s heart rate has slowed way down.

Joey: Oh, okay. Phoebe, do you take this man to be your husband?

Phoebe: I do.

(Joey has a “Yeah you do” smile on his face)

Joey: Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife?

Mike: I do.

Joey: I now pronounce you… husband and wife.

(Phoebe and Mike kiss)

Phoebe: I got married! (everyone applauds) Could someone get me a coat, I’m freaking freezing.

(Mike takes off his coat to give to Phoebe and the steel band plays “The Wedding Song”)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler and Joey are walking up the stairs.]

Chandler: That really was an incredible wedding.

Joey: It was, yeah. I kind of don’t want it to end. Hey, you wanna come in for a drink and a bite of corsage?

Chandler: I’d love to, but it’s 2300 hours and I’m about to have the most organized sex anyone’s ever had.

Joey: Nice. Oh hey, what about Ross?

Chandler: I don’t know. Maybe he hooked up with that hot girl he was talking to.

(cut to the street in front of Central Perk where Ross is walking Chappy. He has a plastic bag in his hand.)

Ross: Come on Chappy, do your business. MAKE! MA-AKE! I did not sign on for this.

THE END

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