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Archive for the ‘Season 1’ Category


Written by: Chris Brown
Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein


[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]

Ross: And here’s little Ben nodding off…

Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica’s little boy!

Phoebe: Oh, look, he’s got Ross’s haircut!

Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!

(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)

Ross: (quietly) That would be nice.

(Chandler, annoyed with Ross’s fawning, makes a ‘pfft’ noise.)

Rachel: Pardon?

Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated)

(Joey is looking at his check.)

Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I’ll pay you back.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK… inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me… 17 jillion dollars.

Joey: I will, really. I’ll pay you back this time.

Chandler: (sigh)… And where’s this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)

Joey: Well… I’m helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some… research.

Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research?

Joey: Oh, just, y’know…. science.

Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I’ve heard of that. (everyone’s interest is piqued, they all look over)

Joey: (sigh)… It’s a fertility study.

(Rachel laughs.)

Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you’re only donating your time.

Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it’s not that big a deal. Really… I mean, I just go down there every other day and… make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you’re gonna be making money hand over fist!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel’s birthday.]

Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns…

Phoebe: We’ve got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew… (hands meat to Monica)

(Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)

Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here.

Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.

Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Monica and Phoebe: Ewww!

Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she’s gonna be late.

Joey: Oh, OK.

Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your (provocatively) special someone?

Joey: I don’t know, she’s, uh…. she’s pretty great.

Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?

Joey: What, you think I’m gonna tell a girl I like that I’m also seeing a cup?

Monica: Man’s got a point.

Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.

Chandler: Crazy bitch.

Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I’m not allowed to conduct any… ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.

Monica: Joey… we always know what you mean.

[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags)

Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?

Ross: I’m going to China.

Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and…

Monica: You’re going to China?

Ross: Yeah, i-it’s for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don’t want us to have the bone, so I’m going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo-it’s-it’s a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I’m gonna be gone for like, uh… like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can’t. So here’s my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um… here’s a picture of me… (hands it to Monica)

Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture)

Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol’s every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn’t forget me?

Monica: Yeah.

(Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.)

Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I’m your father. I am… the head. Aaaaaahhhh…. (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.

Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.

Monica: Oh no, she’s out having drinks with Carl.

Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who’s Carl?

Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.

Ross: No.

Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there’s this guy she met at the…

Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.

Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.

Ross: OK, I’m gonna go say goodbye to the guys.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, y’know what? Tell them that bone story.

(Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)

Ross: Hi.

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: (sigh)….I have to go to China.

Joey: The country?

Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom’s breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?

Chandler: Uh, let’s see… Alvin… Simon… Theodore…. no.

Ross: Well, Rachel’s having drinks with him tonight.

Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she’s never shown any interest in you?!?

Chandler: Forget about her.

Joey: He’s right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.

Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.

Ross: Yeah… I guess. I don’t-I don’t know. Alright, just… just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)

Joey: Listen, buddy, we’re just looking out for you.

Ross: I know.

Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but… I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug)

Chandler: I’m still on my first. I just think you’re nice.

[Time lapse. Melanie, Joey’s girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]

Melanie: Anyway, that’s when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves ‘The Three Basketeers.’

Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.

Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey’s stupidity)

Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like their burgers?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks into living room)

(Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)

Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How’s it going? How you holding up?

Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we’re gonna… complete the transaction, if you know what I…

(Monica rolls her eyes.)

Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh.

Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?

Joey: What do you mean?

Monica: Y’know, just be there for her.

(Long pause… Joey looks confused.)

Joey: Not following you.

Monica: Think about it.

(They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.)

Rachel: OK, I’m guessing this is from…

(Melanie smiles.)

Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.

Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me.

Rachel: (picks it up) OK… ah, it’s light… (shakes it)…it rattles… it’s… (opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)

(Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)

Rachel: This one’s from Joey… feels like a book. Thinks it’s a book… feels like a book. And…(opens it)…it’s a book!

Phoebe: Oh, it’s Dr. Seuss!

Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through some tough times.

Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!

Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he’ll die.

(Rachel picks up the next gift.)

Rachel: Who’s this from?

Chandler: Oh, that’s Ross’s.

Rachel: Oh… (opens it)… (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.

Phoebe: Remembered what?

Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can’t believe he remembered!

Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)

Phoebe: Oh, it’s so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.

Monica: I can’t believe he did this.

Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross’s crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.)

Rachel: What did you just say?

Chandler: (panicked) ahem… um… Crystal duck.

Rachel: No, no, no…. the, um, the… ‘love’ part?

Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah…. flennin….

Rachel: Oh…. my God.

Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no….

Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That’s good, just keep rubbing your head. That’ll turn back time.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.

Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.

Chandler: No it’s not. It’s small. It’s tiny. It’s petite. It’s wee.

Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don’t think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.

Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?

Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?

Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just… (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?

Joey: Well, given that he’s desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn’t mind getting a cup of coffee or something.

Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I’ve got to talk to him. (gets up to leave)

Chandler: (quickly) H-He’s in China!

Joey: The country.

Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross’s itinerary) His flight doesn’t leave for another forty-five more minutes.

Chandler: What about the time difference?

Monica: From here to the airport?

Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You’re never gonna make it!

Monica: Rachel, what’re you gonna say to him?

Rachel: I-I-I don’t know.

Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn’t go.

Joey: He’s right, cause if you’re just gonna, like, break his heart, that’s the kind of thing that can wait.

Monica: Yeah, but if it’s good news, you should tell him now.

Rachel: I don’t know. Maybe I’ll know when I see him.

Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?

(Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.)

Rachel: Noooo… look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y’know, I just, I’ve just gotta talk to him. I… I gotta… OK, I’ll see you later. (opens door)

Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)

[Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a ‘How To Speak Chinese’ tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]

Ross: (something in Chinese)

Flight Attendant: Alright!

Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway)

(Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.)

Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me….

(Rachel gets up to the jetway.)

Flight Attendant: Hi!

Rachel: Hi.

Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don’t have one. I just need to talk to my friend.

Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I’m sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.

Rachel: No, I know, but I-he just went on. He’s right there, he’s got the blue jacket on, I… can I j-just…

Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations!

Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um… then could you please, uh… just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.

Flight Attendant: Alright. What’s the message?

Rachel: Uh… I don’t know.

[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]

Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh… I have a message for you.

Man: (confused) What?

Flight Attendant: It’s from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.

Man: (to wife): Toby… Oh, for God’s sake, I don’t know what she’s talking about! There’s no Rachel! Don’t give me that deep freeze.

[Scene: Joey’s Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together.]

Melanie: Mmmmmm… Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey… I think I blacked out there for a minute!

Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin’.

Melanie: Well, now we’ve gotta find something fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest)

Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y’know what? Forget about me. Let’s, uh… let’s give you another turn.

Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again?

Joey: Sure! Why not?

Melanie: Boy, somebody’s gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.

(Joey starts to kiss her.)

Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you… you are nothing like I thought you would be.

Joey: How do you mean?

Melanie: I don’t know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who’re always ‘me, me, me.’ But you… you’re a giver. You’re like the most generous man I ever met. I mean… you’re practically a woman.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel’s gifts.]

Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh… do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it’s only a little bit torn… so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?

Rachel: I don’t know. I don’t know… I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back… and, uh, oh, you guys, y’know, it’s Ross. Y’know what I mean? I mean, it’s Ross.

Monica and Phoebe: Sure.

Rachel: I don’t know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling… but I’m thinking… oh, I’m thinking it’d be really great.

Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we’d be like friends-in-law! Y’know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it’s like starting on the fifteenth date!

Phoebe: Yeah, but, y’know, it’s… it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.

Monica: Another good point.

Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you’re at the fifteenth date, y’know, you’re already in a very relationshippy place. Y’know, it’s… you’re committed.

Rachel: (confused) Huh?

Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn’t work out?

Monica: Why isn’t it working out?

Rachel: I don’t know… sometimes it doesn’t.

Monica: Is he not cute enough for you?

Rachel: No!

Monica: Does he not make enough money?

Rachel: No, I’m just….

Phoebe: Maybe there’s someone else.

Rachel: Wha…

Monica: Is there? Is there someone else?

Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else!

Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]

Chandler: Hey, big…

Joey: Shhhh!

Chandler: (quietly) …spender.

Joey: She’s still asleep.

Chandler: So how’d it go?

Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you’re great in bed?

Chandler: The fact that you’d even ask that question shows how little you know me.

Joey: Well, it’s like, last night, I couldn’t do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got… man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!

Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.

Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her… uh-uh. For me, too. It’s like, all of a sudden, I’m blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y’know? It’s like… I was able to appreciate it on another level.

Chandler: I didn’t know you had another level.

Joey: I know! Neither did I!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]

Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, from who?

Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.

Monica: Well, it’s the thought. Hey, doesn’t Ross’s flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?

Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y’know, honey, I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve decided this-this whole Ross thing, it’s just not a good idea.

Monica: Oh, why?

Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn’t just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don’t wanna…

Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!

Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you’re already so…

Monica: I am not ‘so’! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but… I’ll be good. I promise.

(Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Who is it?

Intercom: It’s me, Carl.

Rachel: C’mon up.

Monica: Behind my brother’s back? (Rachel glares at her) … is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won’t be hearing from me.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]

Joey: Seven hundred bucks!

Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?

Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y’know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.

Chandler: Really? So, you’re gonna stick with this ‘it’s all for her’ thing?

Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]

Carl: I’m just sayin’, if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I’m gonna shoot myself! I mean, don’t get me wrong… I’m not against environmental issues per se…. it’s just that guy!

(Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross-a figment of Rachel’s imagination- shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)

Ross: I can’t believe you’d rather go out with him than me.

Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I’m trying to have a date here.

Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me.

(She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.)

Ross: Can’t do it, can you?

Rachel: So I’m thinking about you. So what?

Ross: I don’t get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?

Rachel: Well… he happens to be a very nice… guy….

Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!

Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.

Rachel: Ross, it’s too hard.

Ross: No, no, no… why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I’ve been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.

Rachel: Ross, you’re like my best friend.

Ross: I know.

Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you…

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we’re gonna break up?

Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven’t broken up?

Ross: (pause) No. But… it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean… so, the only question is… are you attracted to me?

Rachel: I don’t know… I mean, I’ve never looked at you that way before.

Ross: Well, start looking.

(They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.)

Rachel: Wow.

Carl: Exactly! And you just know I’m gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!

Rachel: Right! You’re right!

Carl: Heh… y’know?

Rachel: You know what?

Carl: What?

Rachel: I forgot… I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I’m so… if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do…. (gives him her drink) I mean-I’m sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I’m sorry.

(Rachel leaves.)

Carl: But…

[Scene: Airport. Madonna’s Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]

Rachel: (sifting through crowd) Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.

[Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel’s message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]

Man: For God’s sake, will you let it go? There’s no Rachel!

(A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.)

Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.

(Ross picks up the bag… then he and the woman kiss.)

Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.

Julie: Really?

Ross: Yeah.

Julie: You don’t think they’ll judge and ridicule me?

Ross: No, no, they will. I just… uh…

Ross and Julie: Can’t wait.

Ross: Come on, they’re gonna love you.

[Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross’s arrival… not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]

End

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Story by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Teleplay by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein


[Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.]

Ross: She’s not here yet. She’s not here. She’s having my baby and she’s not here.

Monica: I’m sure everything’s fine. Has her water broke yet?

Ross: I don’t know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.

(Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.)

Joey: Do we have to know about that?

Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?

Joey: I’m gonna be in the waitin’ room, handing out cigars.

Chandler: Yes, Joey’s made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50’s.

Ross: God, I don’t believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.

Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It’s probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction.

(Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tasteless comment.)

Rachel: What, it’s ok when Chandler does it?

Chandler: You have to pick your moments.

(Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.)

Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it?

Ross: She’s not even here yet.

Monica: What’s with the guitar?

Phoebe: I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical.

(Carol and Susan arrive.)

Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?

Susan: We stopped at the gift shop.

Carol: I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.

Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We’re having a baby, ok, a baby, you don’t stop for Chunkys.

Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker.

(Everyone is amused by Chandler’s comment.)

Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Carol’s Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]

Ross: Stopped for a Chunky.

Carol: Let it go, Ross.

Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? (holds the candy in front of Ross’ face)

Ross: (weakly) No.

(Carol’s doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.)

Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how’s my favorite parenting team doing?

Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi.

Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you’re thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you’re nine months pregnant. That’s a good start. How you doing with your contractions?

Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one’s like a little party in my uterus.

Susan: They’re every four minutes and last 55 seconds.

Ross: 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz, ha.

Susan: Swiss quartz, ha, ha.

Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?

Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They’re at the nurses’ station.

Ross: I’ll get it.

Susan: No, I’m getting it. I’ll be right back.

Ross: I got it-I’m getting it!

(They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.)

Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips.

Carol: Thanks.

Rachel: And if you need anything else, I-(notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)-do not believe we’ve met. Hi. I’m, uh, Rachel Green. I’m Carol’s… ex-husband’s… sister’s roommate.

Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Franzblau. I’m your roommate’s… brother’s… ex-wife’s obstetrician.

Rachel: Oh, that’s funny!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling asleep on Monica’s shoulder.]

Monica: I want a baby.

Chandler: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

Monica: Get up. Come on. Let’s get some coffee.

Chandler: Oh, ok, ’cause we never do that.

(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.)

Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That’s good too.

(A young pregnant woman enters.)

Lydia: Knick fan?

Joey: Oh, yeah.

Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck.

Joey: Hey, listen, lady….(sees that she’s pregnant)…whoa.

Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You know what, he couldn’t hit water if he was standing on a boat.

Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like?

Lydia: The Celtics.

Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn’t hit a boat if…wait. They suck, alright?

Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it’s a rebuilding year. You… waah!

Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father!

Lydia: There is no father.

Joey: Oh, oh, oh, sorry.

Lydia: Ok, that’s ok. I’m fine. I’m… oh!

Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin’ in here.

Lydia: Ok.

(Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.)

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as well.]

Phoebe: (singing)

They’re tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,
and soon they’ll grow up and resent you so much.
Now they’re yelling at you and you don’t know why,
you cry and you cry and you cry.
And you cry and you cry and you cry…

(Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)

Phoebe: Thanks, Ross.

Ross: Yeah. I’m paying you to stop.

Phoebe: Ok.

(A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.)

Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.

Monica: No fair. I don’t even have one. How come they get two?

Chandler: You’ll get one.

Monica: Oh yeah? When?

Chandler: All right. I’ll tell you what. When we’re 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica: Why won’t I be married when I’m 40?

Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won’t I be married when I’m 40?

Chandler: No, no, no.

Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.

Monica: Well?

Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)

(Rachel enters, in a formal dress.)

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.

Monica: Did you go home and change?

Rachel: Yeah, well, it’s an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by?

Monica: No, I haven’t seen him.

Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. (Pause) What if the baby needs him?

Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor?

Rachel: Yeah, why?

Chandler: No reason. (turns around, makes an ‘Oh my God’ gesture with his eyes)

[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]

Lydia: Mom, we’ve been through this. No, I’m not calling him. I don’t care if it is his kid, the guy’s a jerk. No, I’m not alone. Joey’s here. (pause) What do you mean, Joey who? (covers the phone, to Joey) Joey who?

Joey: Tribbiani.

Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to Joey) She wants to talk to you. Take the phone.

Joey: (takes phone) Hi, yeah, it’s me. (Listens) Oh, no no no, we’re just friends. (Listens) Yeah, I’m single. (Listens) 25. (Listens) An actor. (Listens) Hello?

Lydia: She’s not much of a phone person.

Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what’s the deal with this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin’ my baby somewhere, I’d wanna know about it, you know?

Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Uh, no.

Joey: Ok, look, maybe I should just go.

Lydia: Maybe you should.

Joey: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh?

(He leaves, but then returns a moment later.)

Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team.

Lydia: Oh, that is so not true.

Joey: Oh, it is.

Lydia: It isn’t.

Joey: It is.

Lydia: Isn’t!

[Scene: Carol’s Hospital Room, Ross and Susan are coaching Carol.]

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Carol: You’re gonna kill me!

Ross: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12…

Carol: Count faster.

Susan: It’s gonna be ok, just remember, we’re doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie.

Ross: Who the hell is Jordie?

Susan: Your son.

Ross: No-no-no. I don’t have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my son’s name is Jamie.

Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan’s first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.

Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.

Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.

Ross: I got it.

Susan: I got it.

Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.

Susan: No, you don’t.

Carol: All right, that’s it. I want both of you out.

Ross: Why?

Susan: He started it!

Ross: No, you started it.

Susan: You did!

Carol: I don’t care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you’re not making it any easier.

Ross: But…

Carol: Now go!

Ross: (to Susan) Thanks a lot.

Susan: (to Ross) See what you did.

Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen…

Carol: Out!

(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)

[Scene: Lydia’s Hospital Room, Joey is helping Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present in her room as well.]

Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe…

Lydia: Oh, no.

(Joey looks down at Lydia.)

Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded!

Nurse: It’s just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?

Joey: (panicked) Water breaking, what do you mean? What’s that, water breaking?

Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe.

[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]

Ross: Please. This is so your fault.

Susan: How, how is this my fault?

Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.

Susan: Yeah? Well, there’s a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.

Ross: You tryin’ to be clever? A funny lady?

Susan: You know what your problem is? You’re threatened by me.

Ross: Oh, I’m threatened by you?

Susan: Yes.

(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.)

Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that’s it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don’t believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!

Ross: Yeah, Susan.

Phoebe: Don’t make me do this again, I don’t like my voice like this.

(Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.)

Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic?

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]

All: Help!

Ross: I’m having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. (Walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow.

[Scene: Carol’s room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there with her.]

Carol: Are they here yet?

Rachel: No, honey, they’re not, but don’t worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?

Carol: Ok.

Rachel: Ok?

Carol: Ok.

Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating.

Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. (Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down) There you go, dear.

[Scene: Lydia’s Room, Joey is helping her deliver.]

Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push ’em out, push ’em out, harder, harder. Push ’em out, push ’em out, way out! Let’s get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let’s- (notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I was just-yeah, right. Push! Push!

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up a vacuum and is holding it at the door.]

Susan: What’re you gonna do, suck the door open?

Ross: Help! Help!

Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next…(sees Ross and Susan staring at her) la la la la la la.

Susan and Ross: (even louder) Help!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing behind her.]

Monica: Now, Mom, everything’s going fine, really. (Listens) Yeah, Ross is great. He’s uh, he’s in a whole other place. (Listens) No, he’s gone. (Listens) No no, you don’t have to fly back, really. (Listens) What do you mean this might be your only chance? (Listens) Would you stop? I’m only 26, I’m not even thinking about babies yet.

(Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.)

Chandler: Where have you been?

Joey: Oh, just had a baby.

Chandler: Mazel tov!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]

Dr. Franzblau: I don’t know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she’s doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?

Rachel: (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment, no, I’m not. Are you?

Dr. Franzblau: No, it’s hard enough to get women to go out with me.

Rachel: Right, yeah, I’ve heard that about cute doctors.

Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it’s because I spend so much time, you know, where I do.

Rachel: Oh.

Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it’s hard, when you… do what I do. It’s like uh…Well, for instance, what do you do?

Rachel: I’m a waitress.

Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren’t there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you’re just like, ‘if I see one more cup of coffee’…

Rachel: (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha.

Dr. Franzblau: I’m gonna go check up on your friend.

Rachel: Ok. That’s fine. (takes her earrings out)

[Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia’s Room, Joey is walking up to Lydia’s room with balloons, but before he enters he sees that the baby’s father has arrived. He listens at the door.]

Lydia: So how did you know I was even here?

Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her?

Lydia: No, this is a loaner.

Guy: I’m sorry you had to do this by yourself.

Lydia: I wasn’t by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did you see who won the game?

Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.

Lydia: Yeah, they’re not so bad.

(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no success.]

Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y’know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.

Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I’ve been waiting for this just as much as you have.

Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?

Susan: You get to be the baby’s father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There’s Mother’s Day, there’s Father’s Day, there’s no… Lesbian Lover Day.

Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

Phoebe: This is so great.

Ross: You wanna explain that?

Phoebe: I mean, well, ’cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here’s this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they’re fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it’s not even born yet. It’s just, it’s just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I’m sorry, you were fighting.

[Scene: Carol’s Room, she is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.]

Carol: Where are they?

Monica: I’m sure they’ll be here soon.

Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn’t miss this.

Joey: Relax. You’re only at nine centimeters. And the baby’s at zero station.

Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening me.

(Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.)

Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin’ to rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that’s great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?

Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here we go.

Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing.

Carol: But they’re not here yet!

Dr. Franzblau: I’m sorry, I can’t tell the baby to wait for them.

Carol: Oh, god.

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a janitor’s uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]

Ross: Ok, got the vent open.

Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I’m Ben. I’m hospital worker Ben. It’s Ben… to the rescue!

Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That’s it, Ben.

(Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.)

Susan: What do you see?

Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.

(A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.)

Ross: Phoebs, It’s open! It’s open!

(Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.)

Janitor: (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot your legs!

[Scene: Carol’s Room, Ross and Susan rush in.]

All: Push, push!

Ross: We’re here!

Carol: (irked) Where have you been?

Ross: Long story, honey.

Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need-(reaches for an instrument, Rachel’s hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have this?

Nurse: All right, all right, there’s a few too many people in this room, and there’s about to be one more, so anybody who’s not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!

All: Good luck!

(Everyone heads for the door.)

Chandler: (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol’s lesbian life partner?

Nurse: Out!

Dr. Franzblau: All right, he’s crowning. Here he comes.

Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it’s, it’s huge. Carol, how are you doing this?

Carol: (straining) Not…. helping!

Dr. Franzblau: You’re doing great, you’re doing fine.

Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.

Susan: What do you see? What do you see?

Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It’s a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He’s here. He’s a person.

Susan: Oh, look at that.

Carol: What does he look like?

Ross: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o.

Carol: Really?

Phoebe: (from the air vent overhead) You guys, he’s beautiful!

Ross: Oh, thanks, Pheebs!

(They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.)

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding the infant.]

Susan: No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy.

Ross: (thinking) How ’bout Ben?

Susan: I like Ben.

Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben’s good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?

Ross: We uh, we just cooked it up.

Susan: That’s what we were off doing.

(Monica opens the door.)

Monica: Hi.

Ross: Hey.

Monica: Can we come in?

(The whole gang enters.)

Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.

Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you.

Susan: Thanks.

Rachel: Oh, god, I can’t believe one of us actually has one of these.

Chandler: I know, I still am one of these.

Monica: Ross, can I?

(Monica holds Ben.)

Ross: The head, the head. You gotta…

Monica: (getting choked up) Hi, Ben. Hi. I’m your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I’m your Aunt Monica. I…I will always have gum.

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Hospital, the camera is placed as though it were Ben’s eyes.]

Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. (walks out of the picture) But I’ll still always come back, like this. (returns) And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. (walks away) But I’ll still always come back, like this. (returns)

(Chandler comes into the picture.)

Chandler: And sometimes, I’ll want you to steal third, and I’ll go like this. (Does a baseball sign.)

(The rest of the group come into the picture.)

Monica: He is so amazing.

Rachel: Oh, I know. Look at him.

Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don’t think that’s his name.

Phoebe: Oh, look, look, he’s closing his eyes. (screen goes blank) Look, he’s opening his eyes. (picture comes back)

Joey: He doesn’t do much, does he?

Ross: No, this is pretty much it.

(long moment of silence)

Rachel: You guys wanna get some coffee?

All: Yeah.

Ross: All right, I’ll see you guys later.

(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.)

Phoebe: Oh, look, he’s closing his eyes again.

(The screen fades to black.)

End

Read Full Post »


Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: Mikael Hedberg


(Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.)

Monica: Tell him.

Rachel: No.

Phoebe: Tell him, tell him.

Monica: Just…please tell him.

Rachel: Shut up!

Chandler: Tell me what?

Monica: Look at you, you won’t even look at him.

Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won’t look at me.

Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were…

Phoebe: Doing it on this table. (points at the table)

Chandler: Wow!

Joey: Exellent dream score.

Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that?

Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?

Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good.

Chandler: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I’m allways surprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats him on his lap)

Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.

Ross: I love it, when we share.

(Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.)

Chandler: You’re okay there?

Ross: I can’t belive you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler: I’m sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else’s subconscious.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Chandler is sitting on the table.]

Chandler: Hello Rachel.

Rachel: Get off.

Phoebe: (points at Joey’s pen) Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?

Joey: I don’t know. What are you wearing?

(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him)

Ross: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?

Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.

Chandler: Pirates again?

Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just…such a dummie. I taught this “massage-yourself-at-home-workshop.” And they are.

Joey: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.

Chandler: (sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that’s a good idea.

Phoebe: What… I could, I could do it. What is it?

Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at her.) It’s a whole big boob story.

Phoebe: I could be a secretary.

Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don’t know if it’s your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.

Phoebe: I could do that.

(Ross’s beeper goes off)

Rachel: What are you playing with?

Ross: Oh, it’s my new beeper.

Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?

Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. ‘Help, come quick, they’re still extinct.’

Ross: No, it’s for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.

Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.

Monica: All right, I’ll see you guys later. (raises)

Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?

Monica: Thank you.

Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?

Monica: He’s… our age.

Chandler: When we were?

Monica: Okay, he’s a senior in college.

Ross: College?

Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?

Monica: No, of course not. It’s not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.

All: What?

Monica: Oh, I can’t pass for 22?

Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.

Monica: I am 26.

Phoebe: There you go.

[Scene: Chandler’s office, he and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.]

Chandler: Can you hear that?

Phoebe: (plays with a thumbtack remover) Yeah?

Chandler: See that’ll stop when you pick up the phone.

Phoebe: Oh. Uh, I’m on. (picks up the phone)

Phoebe: (with a deep voice) Mr. Bing’s office. (Listens) No I’m sorry, he’s in a meeting right now.

Chandler: I’m not in a meeting. I’m right… Whoops.

Phoebe: Will he know what this is in reference to? (Listens) And he has your number? (Listens) All right, I’ll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Ross says hi.

Chandler: Ah!

Phoebe: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?

Chandler: Well, now, I actually have to get to work.

Phoebe: Most likely. (raises and goes toward the door) Okay, I’m gonna be out there.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: All right. Bye bye.

Chandler: Bye bye.

(The intercom buzzes)

Chandler: (answering it) Yes?

Phoebe: Whatcha doin’?

Chandler: Ooh. (leans against the desk)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Rachel are there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.]

Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt’s to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? (goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner) No, cause I made lasagne. (to Rachel) Am I out of control?

Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don’t understand. I mean, you’ve been dating this guy since like, what… his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so… Oh.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Could tonight be the Night?

Monica: I don’t know. Look he’s a great guy and I love being with him but… you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don’t plan these things.

Rachel: So, did you shave your legs?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: A-ha!

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]

Joey: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn’t mean…

(Ross’s beeper goes off)

Ross: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it’s baby time. Baby time.

Joey: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.

(Ross dials a number on his cellular phone)

Ross: (on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, André is not here. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I’m sure… No, sir. I don’t perform those kind of services.

Joey: Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.

Ross: (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that’s right. That’s right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, belive me, you don’t want me. Judging by his number, I’d be a huge disappointment. (pause) All rightie, bye bye.

(Phoebe and Chandler enter)

Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day?

Phoebe: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.

Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.

Phoebe: No, I didn’t tell anybody that I knew you.

Chandler: Why not?

Phoebe: Oh, because, you know… they don’t like you.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: I thought you knew that.

Chandler: Noho. Who doesn’t they like me?

Phoebe: Everyone. Except for uh… no everyone.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Don’t feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you’re like “Mr. Boss Man”. You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, “Boss Man Bing”.

(Joey and Ross laughs)

Chandler: I can’t belive it.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.

Chandler: They do me?

Phoebe: You know like… uh okay… uh… ‘Could that report be any later?’

(Joey and Ross laughs)

Chandler: I don’t sound like that.

Ross: Oh, oh Chandler…

Joey: Oh… Yeah, you do.

Ross: ‘The hills were alive with the sound of music.’

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs)

Joey: (reaches for hi scones) My scones.

Phoebe, Joey, and Ross:My scones.’

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again)

Chandler: Okay, I don’t sound like that. That is so not true.

(Joey and Chandler laughs)

Chandler: That is so not… That is so not… That… Oh, shut up!

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Young Ethan are sitting in the couch.]

Monica: Did not.

Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.

Monica: How was that possible?

Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It’s always on the news. ‘A man is being held up, at gunpoint.’ ‘Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.’ And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.

Monica: Okay.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Okay.

Monica: Unless…

Young Ethan: What?

Monica: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I’m going to, so…

Young Ethan: Yeah, I’d really like that.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.

Monica: Okay, is this like ‘I have an early class tomorrow’ or ‘I’m secretly married to a goat?’

Young Ethan: Well it’s somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I’m not uh…, well I, I mean I haven’t ever uh…

Monica: Ethan?

Young Ethan: Yeah?

Monica: Are you a virgin?

Young Ethan: Well, if that’s what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I’ve kinda been waiting for the right person.

Monica: Really?

Young Ethan: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?

(They kiss)

[Time lapse. They are now in Monica’s bedroom, on the bed.]

Young Ethan: Wow!

Monica: You keep saying that.

Young Ethan: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practice it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.

(They kiss)

Monica: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.

Young Ethan: Oh god, don’t tell me, I did it wrong.

Monica: No-no. Nothing wrong about that.

Young Ethan: Oh.

Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I’m not 22. I’m, I’m 25… and thirteen months.

Young Ethan: Huh!

Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn’t change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we’re telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I’m a little younger than I said.

Monica: You’re not a senior?

Young Ethan: Oh, I’m a senior… in High School.

Monica: Ok…ay.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica’s Bedroom, continued from earlier.]

Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn’t alive during the Bicentennial.

Young Ethan: I just had sex.

Monica: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?

Young Ethan: Well, you never told me how old you were.

Monica: Well, that’s different. My lie didn’t make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?

Young Ethan: I wasn’t thinking. I was too busy fallin’…

Monica: Don’t say it. (closes Ethan’s mouth with her hand)

Young Ethan: …in love with you.

Monica: Really?

Young Ethan: (nods) Sorry.

Monica: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn’t even be here, it’s a school night. Oh god, oh god. I’m like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad. I’m Joan Collins.

Young Ethan: Who?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyone exept Monica is there.]

Ross: (on phone) Okay, André should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. (to Phoebe) Just easier that way.

Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

Rachel: No, forget it.

Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly… saucy?

Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. (Camera fades to Ross, who’s listening very carefully) Joey was there too.

Joey: All right. (Moves closer.)

Ross: Was there…uh, huh, huh, huh… andybody, anybody else there.

Rachel: No.

Ross: You’re sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?

Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.

Ross: Huh!

Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

Rachel: (laughs) You know what?

Joey: What?

Rachel: There were times when it wasn’t even me.

(Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other then recoil in horror.)

Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)

(Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn’t hear what the others say)

Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe: Hey, Mon.

Rachel: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?

All: (shouting) Mon!

(Monica takes of her walkman)

Monica: What?

Rachel: Ethan called again.

Monica: Oh.

Ross: Are you not seeing him anymore?

Monica: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn’t work out.

Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.

(Monica stares at Rachel)

Rachel: I, I didn’t say any… I sw… I did not say anything, I swear. He stopped by.

Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?

(Ross and Chandler laughs)

Ross: Oh, yeah.

Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?

Joey, Chander, and Ross: Sorry.

Ross: It’s morphin time!

Joey: Stegosaurus!

Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!

(They all cross they’re arms like the Power Rangers do)

Phoebe: Ooh, oh, I’ve gotta go. (raises) Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. (sits down, and then raises again) Cool!

Rachel: Where are you going?

Phoebe: Um, oh, I’ve got a birthday party, with some work people.

Chandler: Work people? Nobody told me.

Phoebe: No, I know. That’s a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.

Chandler: You know, I don’t get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I’m in charge doesn’t mean I’m a different person.

Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.

Chandler: You think I should?

Phoebe: I really do, yeah.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don’t wanna be the geek that invited the boss.

[Scene: Chandler’s office, he and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]

Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.

Phoebe: You were great. But they still made fun of you.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: You know, now you’re more like, you know like, “Mr. Caring Boss,” “Mr.”, you know, “I’m one of you, Boss,” “Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!”

Chandler: Then, I don’t get it.

Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you’ve gotta face it. You’re like, the guy in the big office, you know. You’re the one that hires them, that fires them… They still say you’re a great boss.

Chandler: They do?

Phoebe: Uh huh. But they’re not your friends anymore.

Chandler: I just wan’t to…

Phoebe: No, but you can’t.

Chandler: But I just wa…

Phoebe: Uh uh.

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Ross’s beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.]

Monica: Aren’t you gonna…

Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she’s having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.

Joey: What about André?

Ross: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.

(Ethan enters)

Young Ethan: Hey.

Monica: That was gonna be my opener.

Rachel: (understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone) Hey, did you guys check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?

Ross: I thought that was just a rumour.

Rachel: True story.

Joey: They’re here already?

(Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom)

Young Ethan: All right, look. I’ve gotta tell you something. I’m not 17. I only said so that you’d think I was cute and vunerable. I’m actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I’m your Congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we’re great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great.

Monica: It was.

Young Ethan: Then, what’s the problem?

Monica: Ethan, it’s um… it’s icky.

Young Ethan: Icky? You’re actually gonna throw this away because it’s icky?

Monica: This isn’t easy for me either. I wish things were different, I… If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really…

Young Ethan: No, don’t say it. (closes Monica’s mouth with his hand)

Monica: …love you.

(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren’t finished talking to each other yet.)

Ross: Are you’re hands still wet?

Joey: Uh, moist, yeah.

Rachel: Let’s dry ’em again.

(They go to the bathroom again)

[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employees’s conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.]

Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? (They discover that Chandler is listening) Hey, Chandler.

Santos: Hello, Mr. Bing.

Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.

Chandler: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I’m gonna need them on my desk by nine o’clock.

Santos: Sure.

Gerston: No problem.

(They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler)

Chandler: You have to give ’em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who’s the guy with the moustache?

Phoebe: Petrie.

Chandler: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]

Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. (Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently) Oh, that’s nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!

(Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: I’m here.

Rachel: You are. Well, um… We, we, we were just…  Wow!

Ross: What? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I’m having a baby.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Ooh, Ooh.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I’m having… I’m having a baby. (jumps back onto the table again) I’m having a… Where’s the phone? The phone?

Rachel: I don’t know where the phone is.

(Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: I’m hurt.

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.]

Ross: Monica, let’s go. Come on now people, woman in labor.

(Chandler struts out from his apartment)

Chandler: (doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I’ve got going here.

Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.

(Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands)

Ross: What are you doing? We’re going to a hospital.

Rachel: What, so I can’t lokk nice? There might be doctors there.

Ross: Joey, get out of the fridge.

Joey: All right, all right. (he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand)

Ross: What is that? (refering to the sandwich)

Joey: For the ride.

Chandler: Yeah, like in a cab…

Ross: Save it.

Chandler: Okay, hating this.

Ross: Monica, come on now. Let’s go, baby coming.

(Monica enters from their apartment, crying)

Monica: I can’t belive it, I’m gonna be an aunt. I’m gonna have like a nephew.

Ross: That’s nice. Get out Let’s go, come on.

Joey: All right, I’m going. I’m going.

(They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.)

Chandler: Here we go, here we go.

Rachel: Rossy, Rossy.

End

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Written by: Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by guineapig


[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyone is looking at papers.]

Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?

Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!

Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica: I know. It’s just such reckless spending.

Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they’ve kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica: That’s me.

Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he’s doing it again! (Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa)

Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs toward Rachel’s room) come here, Marcel-

Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I’ll get him.

Monica: Ross, you’ve got to do something about the humping.

Ross: What? It’s, it’s just a phase.

Chandler: Well, that’s what we said about Joey…

Ross: Would you all relax? It’s not that big a deal.

Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Let’s just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, late at night Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel emerges from her room.]

Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.

Monica: This woman’s living my life.

Rachel: What?

Monica: She’s living my life, and she’s doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I’m intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.

Rachel: You’re not an artist.

Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don’t.

Rachel: Oh, Monica, c’mon, you do cool things.

Monica: Oh really? Okay, let’s compare, shall we.

Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it’s so late for ‘Shall we’…

Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?

Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo…

Monica: This is so unfair! She’s got everything I want, and she doesn’t have my mother.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names.]

Chandler: How about Joey… Pepponi?

Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that’s more neutral.

Chandler: Joey… Switzerland?

(The waitress brings their coffee.)

Joey: Plus, y’know, I think it should be Joe. Y’know, Joey makes me sound like I’m, I dunno, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I’m not.

Chandler: Joe…Joe…Joe…Stalin?

Joey: Stalin…Stalin…do I know that name? It sounds familiar.

Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me…

Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y’know, that’s pretty good.

Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.

(Joey visibly thinks ‘Of course!’ and writes it down.)

Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you’d remember that!

Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I’m taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were.

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up) I’m going to tap class.

Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card?

Monica: This woman’s got my life, I should get to see who she is.

Rachel: Go to the post office! I’m sure her picture’s up! …Okay, Monica, y’know what, honey, you’re kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.

Phoebe: This is madness. It’s madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don’t do it!! …Thank you.

[Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the door.]

Monica: What d’you think?

Phoebe: Lotsa things.

(They go in and sit down.)

Rachel: Which one do you think she is?

(The teacher comes up to them.)

Teacher: May I help you?

Monica: Oh, no thanks, we’re just here to observe.

Teacher: You don’t observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.

Rachel: What does she mean?

Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) ‘You dance a dance class’. Oh, c’mon, c’mon. (They put on some spare shoes)

Monica: Okay, d’y’see anybody you think could be me?

Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let’s not have that happen again!

Rachel: She could be you.

(Music starts)

Teacher: Let’s get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight…

(Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders)

Monica: Okay, I’m not getting this!

Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I’m totally getting it!

Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?

(Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class)

Rachel: What? You just click when they click.

Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.

(The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)

Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I’m with Rachel.

Monica: Great. It’s gym class all over again.

Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.

Teacher: Well that’s all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.

Monica: Why don’t I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.

(She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)

Woman: It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m here. Sorry I’m late, okay, here I am. Who’s the new tense girl?

Teacher: She’s your partner.

Woman: Hi. I’m Monica.

Monica: Oh. Monica! …Hi. I’m Mo- …nana.

Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana?

Monica: Yeah. It’s Dutch.

Fake Monica: You’re kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in Dutch)

Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.

Teacher: And we’re dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight…

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]

Ross: (Mortified) Hi.

Chandler and Joey: Hey.

Joey: Where’ve you been?

Ross: At the vet.

Chandler: She’s not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?

Ross: She says Marcel’s humping thing’s not a phase. Apparently he’s reached sexual maturity.

Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.

Ross: She says as time goes on, he’s gonna start getting agressive and violent.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Ross: I’m gonna have to give him up.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, scene continued from earlier.  They guys are sitting there like the Three Monkeys.]

Joey: I can’t believe it, Ross. This sucks!

Chandler: I don’t get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?

Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he’s this little thing, and before you know it, he’s this little thing I can’t get off my leg.

Joey: Isn’t there any way you can keep him?

Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he’s in a place where he has regular access to some… monkey lovin,’ he’s just gonna get vicious. I’ve just gotta get him into a zoo.

Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?

Chandler: I know that one! …No, that’s Popes into a Volkswagen.

Ross: Well, we’re applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y’know, like, uh, San Diego… right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y’know, he’s out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that’s a possibility.

Chandler: Yeah, but that’s like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it’s a total party zoo.

(Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)

Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Did you call the cops?

Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.

Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.

Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She’s a stealer.

Monica: Y’know what? After you’re with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing spirit.

Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.

Chandler: …Take off their hats!

Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! …I love that joke.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica, Rachel and Fake Monica are there.]

Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.

Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.

Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!

Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we’re, y’know, short and have breasts…

Monica: …They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!

Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don’t know. Don’t wait up. (Exits)

Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we’re auditioning for a Broadway show.

Monica: ‘Scuse me?

Fake Monica: There’s an open call for Cats. I’m thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?

Monica: Nononononono. Think who you’re dealing with here. I mean, I’m not like you. I-I can’t even stand in front of a tap class.

Fake Monica: Well, that’s just probably ’cause of your Amish background.

Monica: What?

Fake Monica: Well, you’re Pennsylvania Dutch, right?

Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.

Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets’ Society?

Monica: Uh-huh.

Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly… boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can’t be in the play? What was that?! It’s like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, ‘Now, that’s two hours of my life that I’m never getting back.’ And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.

Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, tiem lapse.  Everyone but Joey and Monica are there.]

Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn’t get into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don’t know who this is harder on, me or him.

Phoebe: I’d say that chair’s taking the brunt.

Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?

Rachel: Oh, somebody will.

Joey: (entering) You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?

Chandler: You’re kidding.

Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You’d think you would’ve known that!

Chandler: Y’know, you’d think I would’ve.

Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?

Phoebe: …Flame Boy.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper.]

Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, it’s technically not a zoo per se, it’s more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?

Ross: Yes.

Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?

Ross: No-no, he’s, he’s very docile.

Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were… cornered?

Ross: Well I, I don’t know. Why?

Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?

Ross: He can hold a banana, if that’s whatcha mean…

Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?

Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he’s up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you’ve got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it’s just cruel.

(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)

Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.

Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing…

Chandler: …He’s in.

Ross: He’s in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!

Dr. Baldhara: You’re making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego’s all well and good, but if you give him to me, I’ll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]

Monica: Yo- hooo!

Rachel: Where the hell’ve you been?

Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.

Rachel: Are you drunk?!

Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I’m lying. I am so drunk.

Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y’know what, you could’ve called, I have been up here, I’ve been worried…

(Monica is drinking from the tap)

Rachel: Monica? Monica!

Monica: Water rules!

Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you’re gonna be showing up for work?

Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.

Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You’re gonna lose your job! This is not you!

Monica: No, it is me! Y’know, I’m not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y’know, when I’m with her, I am so much more than that. I’m- I’m Monana!

(The phone rings and Rachel answers)

Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it’s for you, the credit card people.

Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.

Rachel: What?

Monica: They’ve arrested Monica.

[Scene: New York City Department of Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica.]

Monica: Hi.

Fake Monica: Hey.

Monica: How are you?

Fake Monica: I’m not too bad. Fortunately, blue’s my colour. How-how did you know I was here?

Monica: Because… I’m Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.

Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.

Monica: I want you to know, it wasn’t me who turned you in.

Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.

Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn’t for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theater!

Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing ‘Memo-‘.

Monica: I just can’t believe you’re in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who’s gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who’s gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?

Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you’re worried about who’s gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?

Monica: Well, not… worried, just… wondering.

Fake Monica: There’s nothing to wonder about, Monica. You’re gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that’s who you are.

Monica: Not necessarily…

Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it’s the Amish thing.

Monica: Um, I’m not actually Amish.

Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?

[Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.]

Teacher: You by the door. In or out?

Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders)

Teacher: You in the back, you’re getting it all wrong!

Monica: Yeah, but at least I’m doing it!

[Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel.]

PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.

Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don’t eat it ’till you get on the plane.

Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh!

Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there’s gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there’s also a lot to learn.

Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it’s a monkey.

Ross: Just, just say what you feel.

Joey: Marcel, I’m hungry.

Ross: That was good.

Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It’s, uh, just, y’know, something to, um, do on the plane.

Ross: Uh, if you guys don’t mind, I’d like to take a moment, just me and him.

All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room)

Ross: Marcel, c’mere, c’mere. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There’s just a coupla things I want to say. I’m really gonna miss you, and I’m never gonna forget about you. You’ve been more than just a pet to me, you’ve been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.

(Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going on for a play.]

Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might… touch thy cheek…

Casting Director No. 1: That’s fine, thank you.

Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)

Joey: Hi, uh, I’ll be reading for the role of Mercutio.

Casting Director No. 2: Name?

Joey: Holden McGroin.

End

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Written by: Doty Abrams
Transcribed by: guineapig


[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyone is there.]

Chandler: I can’t believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty.

Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he’s got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is.

Ross: I don’t know, you don’t wanna mess with corn nuts. They’re craaazy.

Monica: (looking out of the window) Oh my God. You guys! You gotta come see this! There’s some creep out there with a telescope!

Ross: I can’t believe it! He’s looking right at us!

Rachel: Oh, that is so sick.

Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way.

Phoebe: How can people do that?… (All but Phoebe walk away from the window in disgust.) Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]

Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn’t have to play any games…

Monica: So have you called her yet?

Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (The girls make disgusted noises.) It’s the next day! How needy do I want to seem? (To the guys) I’m right, right?

Joey and Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.

Monica: I can’t believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people.

Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! (Grabbing the phone.) Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!

Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (Calls her, then hurriedly hangs up.) I got her machine.

Joey: Her answer machine?

Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.

Phoebe: So, uh, why didn’t you say anything?

Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase “Yes indeedy-o.”

Monica: Look look! It’s Rachel and Barry. No, don’t everybody look at once!

Ross: Okay, okay, what’s going on?

Phoebe: Okay, they’re just talking…

Ross: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like he was just told to shove anything?

Phoebe: No, no actually, he’s smiling.. and… Oh my God, don’t do that!!

Ross: What? What? What?!

Phoebe: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! (Rachel enters.) Oh!

Chandler: (bluffing) And basically, that’s how a bill becomes a law.

All: Oh!… Right!

Chandler: Hey Rach!

Monica: How’d it go?

Rachel: Y’know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y’know you poke it and all the butter squirts out…

Phoebe: Not a good day for birds…

Rachel: Then we took a walk down to Bendall’s, and I told him not to, but he got me a little bottle of Chanel

Ross: That’s nice… now, was that before or after you told him to stop calling, stop sending you flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm?

Rachel: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to that… Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, y’know? It was comfortable, it was familiar… it was just nice!

Ross: That’s, that’s nice twice!

Monica: Rachel, what’s going on? I mean isn’t this the same Barry who you left at the altar?

Joey: Duh, where’ve you been?

Rachel: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he wasn’t, like, Orthodontist Guy, y’know? I mean, we had fun! Is there anything wrong with that?

(Ross ‘prompts’ Chandler by hitting him on the arm.)

Chandler: Yes!

Rachel: Why?

Chandler: I have my reasons.

Monica: Okay, how about the fact that he’s engaged to another woman, who just happens to be your ex-best friend?

Rachel: All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, I know it’s stupid! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to it!

[Scene: Barry’s Office, the post-coital Barry and Rachel are recovering on the chair.]

Rachel: Wow… Wow!

Barry: Yeah.

Rachel: I’m not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that.

Barry: Nooo, it wasn’t.

Rachel: Ooh, and it’s so nice having this little sink here…

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyone is there except Rachel.]

Chandler: (on phone, reading from a script) Oh, Danielle! I wasn’t expecting the machine… Give me a call when you get a chance. (Rattles some dishes) Bye-bye. (Hangs up.) Oh God!

Monica: That’s what you’ve been working on for the past two hours?!

Chandler: Hey, I’ve been honing!

Ross: What was with the dishes?

Chandler: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y’know? I might have some kind of life, like I haven’t been sitting around here honing for the past few hours.

Monica: (looking out the window) Look look! He’s doing it again, the guy with the telescope!

Phoebe: Oh my God! (Walks to the window) Go away! (Gesturing.) Stop looking in here!

Monica: Great, now he’s waving back.

Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can’t do stuff!

Monica: What kinda stuff?

Joey: Will you grow up? I’m not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I’m cooking naked.

Phoebe: You cook naked?

Joey: Yeah, toast, oatmeal… nothing that spatters.

(A pause as they look at Chandler.)

Chandler: What are you looking at me for? I didn’t know that.

[Scene: Barry’s Office, Rachel and Barry are getting dressed.]

Barry: What’s the matter?

Rachel: Oh, it’s just… Oh, Barry, this was not good.

Barry: No, it was. It was very very good.

Rachel: Well, what about Mindy?

Barry: Oh, way, way better than Mindy.

Rachel: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy?

Barry: Well, if you want, I’ll just-I’ll just break it off with her.

Rachel: No. No-no-no-no, no. I mean, don’t do that. Not, I mean not for me.

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here for his adjustment.

Barry: (into intercom) Thanks, Bernice. (To Rachel) Let’s go away this weekend.

Rachel: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too..

Barry: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on what would have been our honeymoon, it was, uh… it was really nice. You would’ve liked it.

(Pause as Rachel realises…)

Rachel: I had a bra.

(Barry finds it draped on a cupboard and gives it to Rachel, they kiss as Bobby enters.)

Bobby: Hey, Dr. Farber.

(Rachel and Barry quickly split and pretend Barry is examining Rachel’s mouth.)

Barry: All right Miss Green, everything looks fine… Yep, I think we’re starting to see some real progress here.

(Bobby looks on, deadpan.)

Rachel: What?!

Bobby: I’m twelve, I’m not stupid.

(Rachel glares at him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Chandler enters clutching his phone.]

Chandler: Can I use your phone?

Monica: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.

(Chandler dials his own phone and it rings.)

Chandler: Yes, it’s working! Why isn’t she calling me back?

Joey: Maybe she never got your message.

Phoebe: Y’know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn’t get her messages yet.

Chandler: Y’don’t think that makes me seem a little…

Ross: …desperate, needy, pathetic?

Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.

(He calls and quickly hangs up.)

Phoebe: How many beeps?

Chandler: She answered.

Monica: Y’see, this is where you’d use that ‘hello’ word we talked about.

Chandler: I’m not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. Now I’m needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.

(Rachel enters.)

All: Hey! Hi!

Phoebe: How’d he take it?

Rachel: Pretty well, actually… (Wandering into the kitchen.)

Monica: (wandering in after her) Uh, Rach… how come you have dental floss in your hair?

Rachel: Oh, do I?

Monica: Uh huh.

Rachel: (in a low voice) We ended up having sex in his chair.

Monica: You had sex in his chair?!… I said that a little too loudly, didn’t I?

Ross: You-you had what?

Phoebe: Sex in his chair.

Ross: What, uh… what were you thinking?

Rachel: I don’t know! I mean, we still care about each other. There’s a history there. ‘S’like you and Carol.

Ross: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!

Rachel: Please. If she said to you, “Ross, I want you on this couch, right here, right now,” what would you say?

(Ross flounders.)

Chandler: If it helps, I could slide over.

Ross: It’s, it’s, it’s, uh, a totally diferent situation! It’s, it’s apples and oranges, it’s, it’s orthodontists and lesbi- I gotta go.

Phoebe: Where are you going?

Ross: (leaving) I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I am late- for keeping up with it. Okay?

(Ross exits, a phone rings, and Chandler dives for his phone.)

Chandler: Hello? Hello?

(Rachel picks up their phone and the ringing stops.  As she talks on the phone, an elaborate visual gag is spun out which is too difficult to describe in words.)

Rachel: (on phone) Hello?(Listens) Mindy! Hi! Hey, how are you? (Listens) Yes, yes, I’ve heard, congratulations, that is so great. (Listens) Really? (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Okay. Okay, well I’m working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can, you can come by and… (Listens) Okay… (Listens) Great… (Listens) Great… (Listens) All right, so I’ll, so I’ll see you tomorrow! (Listens) Okay.. (Listens) Okay… (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up and sits down heavily.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

Chandler: So how’s Mindy?

Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow…Oh, she sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry… (Does so, on phone) Hi, it’s me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that’s where you’d be!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the next morning.  Chandler is sitting and staring at his phone.  Monica enters and creeps up next to Chandler.]

Monica: Brrrrrrr!

(Chandler clutches at his phone before realising.)

Chandler: Hell is filled with people like you.

Joey: (entering) He’s back! The peeper’s back!

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Joey: (ducking) Get down!

Rachel: Get down?

Chandler: …And boogie!

Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy.

Monica: Relax. Y’know, she may not even know.

Rachel: Please. I haven’t heard from her in seven months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else is it about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp together… she taught me how to kiss..

Joey: (intrigued) Yeah?

Rachel: And now, y’know, I’m like… I’m like the other woman! I feel so..

Joey: ..Naughty!

Rachel: Right, I’ll see you guys later…

Joey: Oh, hold up, I’ll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or- (Rachel exits and slams the door in his face.) That’s fine, yeah…

(Joey exits.)

Chandler: Okay, I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?

Monica: Why don’t you just take it with you?

Chandler: Hey, we haven’t been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?

Monica: Why don’t you just call her?

Chandler: I can’t call her, I left a message! I have some pride.

Monica: Do you?

Chandler: No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It’s, uh, it’s Chandler! (Listens) I’m fine. Uh, listen, I don’t know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that’s fine, that’s great. (Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to Monica) She’s on the other line, she’s gonna call me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She’s on the other line, she’s gonna call me back, she’s on the other line, gonna call me back…

Monica: Don’t you have to pee?

Chandler: ‘S’why I’m dancing…

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving coffee as Mindy enters.]

Rachel: Mindy.

Mindy: Hey, you.

Rachel: Hey, you…. So, what’s up?

Mindy: Um.. we should really be sitting for this.

Rachel: Sure we should… So.

Mindy: Now, I know things’ve been weird lately, but you’re like my oldest friend in the world… Except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don’t talk to anywhere, ’cause she’s all bitter now that she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn’t have a pretty face. ….Okay, I’m just gonna ask you this once, and I want a straight answer.

Rachel: Okay.

Mindy: Will you be my maid of honour?

Rachel: Of course!

Mindy: Oh that’s so great!

Rachel: Was that all you wanted to ask me?

Mindy: That’s all!

Rachel: Ohhhh!! (Mindy starts to sob.) …What? What?

Mindy: That’s not all.

Rachel: Oh sure it is!

Mindy: Oh no, it isn’t! No! I think Barry is seeing someone in the city.

Rachel: Um, what- what would make you think that?

Mindy: Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he’s been acting really weird, and then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel.

Rachel: (draws back) Really. Mindy, if it’ll make you feel any better, when I was engaged to him he went through a whole weird thing too.

Mindy: Oh God! You see, that’s what I was afraid of!

Rachel: What? What’s what you were afraid of?

Mindy: Okay, okay… when Barry was engaged to you, he and I…kind of… had a little thing on the side.

Rachel: What?

Mindy: I know. I know, and when he proposed to me, everyone said “Don’t do it, he’s just gonna do to you what he did to Rachel,” and now I feel so stupid.

Rachel: Uh… Oh, Mindy, you are so stupid. Oh, we are both so stupid.

Mindy: What do you mean?

Rachel: (offers her arm to Mindy and she sniffs) Smell familiar?

Mindy: Oh no.

Rachel: Oh, I am so sorry.

Mindy: No me, I am so sorry…

(They hug and Joey enters.)

Joey: (watches them for a while) Oh my.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe and Ross are doing a crossword, Monica is cooking, and Chandler is still staring at his phone.]

Ross: Four letters: “Circle or hoop”.

Chandler: Ring dammit, ring!

Ross: Thanks.

Joey: (entering) Hey, you know our phone’s not working?

Chandler: What?!

Joey: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no answer.

Chandler: (investigating) I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned it off!

Monica: Just like you told her you did! (Chandler glares at her.) … Just pointing out the irony.

Joey: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to the doorman- I got the peeper’s name! Can I use the phone?

Chandler: Nngghhh!!!!!!!

Joey: (to Monica) Can I use your phone? (On phone) Yeah, the number for a Sidney Marks, please.

Ross: “Heating device.”

Phoebe: Radiator.

Ross: Five letters.

Phoebe: Rdtor.

Joey: (on phone) Yeah, is Sidney there? (Listens) Oh, this is? (To the gang) Sidney’s a woman.

Monica: So she’s a woman! So what?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (On phone) Look, I live across the street, (walking to the window) and I know all about you and your little telescope, and I don’t appreciate it, okay? (Listens) Yeah, I can see you right now! (Listens) Hello! (Listens) If I wanna walk around my apartment in my underwear, I shouldn’t have to feel like-(Listens)-Thank you, but… that’s not really the point… (Listens) The point is that… (Listens) Mostly free weights, but occasionally..

Monica: Joey!!

Joey: (on phone) Yeah, my neighbor… (Listens) Yeah, the brunette… (to Monica) She says you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress.

Monica: The green dress? Really?

Joey: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day.

Monica: (waves dismissively to Sidney) Nooo!

[Scene: Barry’s Office, Barry is preparing his tools alone as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey. Got a second?

Barry: Sure, sure. Come on… (Mindy enters) …in…

Mindy: Hello, sweetheart.

Barry: Uh… uh… what’re’you… what’re’you guys doing here?

Rachel: Uh, we are here to break up with you.

Barry: Both of you?

Mindy: Basically, we think you’re a horrible human being, and bad things should happen to you.

Barry: I’m sorry… I’m sorry, God, I am so sorry, I’m an idiot, I was weak, I couldn’t help myself! Whatever I did, I only did because I love you so much!

Rachel: Uh- which one of us are you talking to there, Barr?

Barry: ….Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was always Mindy.

Rachel: Even when we were having sex in that chair?

Barry: (to Mindy) I swear, whatever I was doing, I was always thinking of you.

Rachel: Please! During that second time you couldn’t have picked her out of a lineup!

Mindy: (to Rachel) You did it twice?

Rachel: Well, the first time didn’t really count… I mean, y’know, ‘s’Barry.

Mindy: Okay…

Barry: (to Mindy) Sweetheart, just gimme- gimme another chance, okay, we’ll start all over again. We’ll go back to Aruba.

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, we’ve got a bit of an emergency here…Jason Costalano is choking on his retainer.

Barry: Oh God… (Into intercom) I’ll be right there, Bernice. (to Mindy) Look, please, please don’t go anywhere, okay? I’ll be, I’ll be right back.

(Barry exits)

Rachel: Okay. Okay, we’ll be here! Hating you! Did you see how he was sweating when he walked out of there? Listen honey, if I’m hogging the ball too much you just jump right in there and take a couple punches because I’m telling you, this feels great.

Mindy: Yeah… I’m pretty sure I’m still gonna marry him.

Rachel: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the guy is the devil! He’s Satan in a smock!

Mindy: Look, I know he’s not perfect, but the truth is, at the end of the day, I still really wanna be Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, D.D.S.

Rachel: Oh God.

Mindy: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope you’ll still be my maid of honor…?

Rachel: And I hope Barry doesn’t kill you and eat you in Aruba.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Rachel are there.]

Monica: You okay?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Really?

Rachel: Yeah! Y’know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding, I have wondered whether I made the right choice. And now I know.

Monica: Aww… (They hug)

(Joey enters and looks on approvingly.)

Joey: Big day.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: All right, I’ll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he’s got the monocle, he’s got the top hat…

Phoebe: You know he’s gay?

Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?

Danielle: (entering) Chandler?

Chandler: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody.

All: Hi. Hi.

Chandler: What are you doing here?

Danielle: Well, I’ve been calling you, but it turns out I had your number wrong. And when I finally got the right one from Information, there was no answer. So I thought I’d just come down here, and make sure you were okay.

Chandler: …I’m, I’m okay.

Danielle: Listen uh, maybe we could get together later?

Chandler: That sounds good. I’ll call you- or you call me, whatever…

Danielle: You got it.

Chandler: Okay.

Danielle: G’bye, everybody.

All: Bye.

Phoebe: Whoo-hoo!

Monica: Yeah, there you go!

Ross: Second date!

Chandler: …I dunno.

Rachel: You don’t know?!

Chandler: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I mean,… how needy is that?

(They all groan and hit him..)

End

Read Full Post »


Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz
Transcribed by: guineapig

{Transcriber’s Note: The credits list two characters, Tia and Samantha, who I assume are the sweaty women Joey and Chandler meet. However, I don’t know which is which, so I’ve simply called them Woman #1 and Woman #2.}


[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is talking to a customer.]

Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there’s one more, um.. Lemon Soother. You’re not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? (Guy shakes his head) Okay.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica enters with some mail.]

Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.

Rachel: Thank you. (Examines it) Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!

Monica: Oh good! ‘Cause where else would we get any?

Rachel: Oh. Right. …Oh great.

Monica: What is it?

Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for ‘inspiration.’ Oh my God! Oh my God, it’s Barry and Mindy!

Monica: Barry who you almost…?

Rachel: Barry who I almost.

Monica: And Mindy, your maid of…?

Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh!

Monica: (Takes it) That’s Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. (Sees Rachel’s look) Lucky. To have had a friend like you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel and Ross are eating Chinese.]

Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c’mon. Bring me the rice, c’mon. Good boy. Good boy. C’mere, gimme the rice. (Marcel brings the rice) Thank you, good boy. Well, I see he’s finally mastered the difference between ‘bring me the’ and ‘pee in the’. (Rachel ignores him) ‘Bring me the’ and- Rach?

Rachel: What?

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I’m happy for them.

Ross: Really.

Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- with somebody.

Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, ‘Forget relationships! I’m done with men!’ The whole, uh, penis embargo?

Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. I guess it’s not about no guys, it’s about the right guy, y’know? I mean, with Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there was no heat. With Paolo, that’s all there was, was heat! And it was just this raw, animal, sexual…

Ross: Wait-wait. I, I got it. I was there.

Rachel: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both? Y’know? Someone who’s like, who’s like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl?

Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it’s funny, very often, someone who you wouldn’t think could-could curl your toes, might just be the one who…

(Enter the other four)

Monica: Hi.

Ross: …Gets interrupted. Hi!

Rachel: Hi, how was the movie?

Monica: Wonderful!

Phoebe: So good!

Joey: Suck-fest.

Chandler: Toootal chick-flick.

Phoebe: I-I’m sorry it wasn’t one of those movies with, like, y’know, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast…

Joey: Hey, I don’t need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there’s a little nudity.

Monica: There was nudity!

Joey: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don’t need to see Lou Grant frolicking.

Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant!

Ross: Alright, I’ve gotta go. C’mon, Marcel! C’mon! We’re gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren’t we? Yes, we are.

Chandler: They’re still just friends, right?

Rachel: (To Marcel) And I will see you tomorrow!

Ross: That’s right, you’re gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel’s, aren’t you.

Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?

Ross: ‘Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?’ Oh, unclench. You’re not even gonna be there.

[Scene: Joe-G’s Pizza, the guys are there.]

Chandler: I can’t believe we are even having this discussion.

Joey: I agree. I’m, like, in disbelief.

Chandler: I mean, don’t you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would’ve happened already?

Ross: I’m telling you, she said she’s looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me.

Joey: She really said that?

Ross: Well, I added the ‘exactly like me’ part… But she said she’s looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.

Joey: ‘Tonight’ tonight?

Ross: Well, I think it’s perfect. Y’know, it’s just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey…

Chandler: I can’t remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.

Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I’d go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.

Chandler: Hey, y’know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890’s, when that phrase was last used.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is taking care of Marcel and they are watching a soap opera.]

Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that’s Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there’s Raven. We hate her. We’re glad she’s dying. Okay- (Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal a shoe) Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica’s shoes? You know you’re not supposed to pl- whoah. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? (Takes the shoe into the kitchen) Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! (She notices the newsletter and taps the contents of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut) Sorry, Barry. Little engagement gift. I’m sure you didn’t register for that. (She leaves the apartment holding the newsletter at arm’s length. However, she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out in the opposite direction. There is a shot from the TV and Rachel runs back in) Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Oh, c’mon, roll him over! Oh…! Well, we know it wasn’t Dexter, right Marcel? Because- (Looks down and notices he is missing) Marcel? Marc- (Notices the open door)

[Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is back at Monica and Rachel’s.]

Joey: How could you lose him?

Rachel: I don’t know. We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica’s shoe-

Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one?

Rachel: I don’t know. The left one.

Monica: Which ones?

Rachel: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.

Phoebe: (Entering) Hey.

All: Hi.

Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative?

Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel.

Phoebe: Oh no, how?

Monica: He- he pooped in my shoe.

Phoebe: Which one?

Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.

Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? ‘Cause the left one is lucky…

Rachel: C’mon, you guys, what’re we gonna do, what’re we gonna do?

Joey: Alright alright. You’re a monkey. You’re loose in the city. Where do you go?

Chandler: Okay, it’s his first time out, so he’s probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I’ll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.

Rachel: Oh, my, God, c’mon, you guys! He’s gonna be home any minute! He’s gonna kill me!

Monica: Okay, we’ll start with the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I’ll take third and fourth.

Rachel: Well, what’m I gonna do? What’m I gonna do?

Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.

(They all leave)

Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh…

[Cut to a hallway in the building, Monica and Phoebe are knocking on a door. Mr. Heckles emerges.]

Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want?

Monica: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it?

Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did you take it?

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?

Mr. Heckles: I wasn’t ready for it.

Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey?

Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once…

Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. (They move off)

Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle.

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s.]

Rachel: (On the phone) Okay, he’s a, he’s a black capuchian monkey with a white face… (Enter Ross) …with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks.

Ross: Hey. How did, uh, how’d it go today?

Rachel: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey, is that wine?

Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want some?

Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y’know what? Y’know what? Let’s not drink it here. I’m feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark?

Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but before we head off to the murder capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to run something by you. Y’know how we were, uh, y’know, talking before about, uh, relationships and stuff? (Uncorks the wine) Well-

Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this.

Ross: Okay, quick and painful. (Starts to cork the wine)

Rachel: Oh God… Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, please don’t hate me.

Ross: Oh, what? What-what?

Rachel: Y’know Marcel?

Ross: …Yeah?

Rachel: Well, I kind of… I kind of lost him.

[Cut to outside the window, with Ross reacting with disbelief. The shot pans back until we see Marcel sitting on the window ledge.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, continued from earlier.]

Ross: (Angry) I- I- I ca- I can’t believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment.

Rachel: I know, I know, I’m sorry-

Ross: No, y’know what, I guess it’s partially my fault. Y’know, I shouldn’t’ve, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should’ve started you off with like a pen or a pencil.

Rachel: (Tearfully) Ross, I’m doing everything that I can, I’ve got everybody looking for him, and I- (Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it) Oh! Who is it?

Intercom: Animal Control.

Rachel: See? I’ve even called Animal Control!

Ross: You called Animal Control?

Rachel: Uh-huh… why… do you not like them?

Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I’m not allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they’ll take him away from me.

Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever told us that…

Ross: That’s right, I.. ’cause I didn’t expect you were gonna invite them to the apartment!

(A knock on the door. Rachel swiftly opens it)

Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming.

Luisa: (Animal Control) Somebody called about a monkey?

Rachel: Oh, y’know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her and they act all sweetness and light)

Ross: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but we-we didn’t.

Rachel: Turned out it was a hat.

Ross: Cat!

Rachel: Cat! What’m I saying? Cat!

(Luisa nods, but then Monica and Phoebe run in)

Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one’s seen Marcel.

Luisa: Marcel?

Ross: My uncle Marcel.

Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey’s named after?

Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?

Phoebe: Oh my God. You’d put that poor little creature in jail?

Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?

Phoebe: Yes, but there isn’t always time!

Monica: Look. I’m sure there’s some friendly way to reconcile this! Um, have a seat. First of all, we haven’t been introduced, I’m Monica Geller.

Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you’re Rachel Green!

Rachel: Yeah!

Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in home room!

Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It’s Luisa!

Monica: The Luisa from home room!

Rachel: Yes!!

Luisa: You have no idea who I am, do you.

Monica: No, none at all.

Rachel: None.

Luisa: Well, maybe that’s because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean, would it have been so hard to say ‘Morning, Luisa’? Or ‘Nice overalls’?

Monica: Oh, I’m- I’m so sorry!

Luisa: Ah, it’s not so much you, you were fat, you had your own problems. (To Rachel) But you? What a bitch!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Be that as it may, d’you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? Y’know, just for old times’ sake? Go Bobcats?

Luisa: I could… but I won’t. If I find that monkey, he’s mine. (Leaves)

Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry.

[Cut to another part of the building. We see Marcel jump in through a window and run down some stairs, then Chandler and Joey come down from the upper floor without noticing.]

Chandler: Marcel?

Joey: Marcel?

Chandler: Marcel?

Joey: Marcel?

(They come to a door and silently agree to try it. A very sweaty woman emerges)

Woman No. 1: Hi, can I help you?

(Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a moment)

Chandler: Um, we’re kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for something…

Joey: A monkey.

Chandler: Yes have you seen any?

Woman No. 1: No. No, haven’t seen a monkey. Do you know anything about fixing radiators?

Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?

Woman No. 1: Of course.

Joey: Oh. Then, no.

(Another sweaty woman comes to the door and speaks to her friend)

Woman No. 2: Did I put too much rum in here?

(Joey and Chandler shoot each other glances)

Woman No. 1: Just a sec. (To Chandler and Joey) Hope you find your monkey. (She starts to shut the door)

Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh… we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling… mileu.

Joey: Uh, aren’t we kind of in the middle of something here?

Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they’re very hot.

Joey: We can’t, alright? (To the women) We’re sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but… We promised we’d find this monkey. If you see him, he’s about yea high and answers to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you’d really be helping us out.

(The women quickly shut the door)

Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don’t get to talk to other people.

Joey: Marcel?

Chandler: Marcel?!

[Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching the basement.]

Phoebe: Marcel?

Monica: Marcel?

Phoebe: Marcel?

Both: Marcel?

Phoebe: Oh-my-God!

Monica: Whaaat!

Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my right leg!

Monica: What is it?

Phoebe: Oh, it’s okay, it was just my left leg.

(Marcel makes a monkeyish noise. He is sitting in the corner)

Monica: Look, Phoebe!

Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c’mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c’mere!

(Luisa appears on the stairs)

Luisa: Step aside, ladies! (She loads a gun)

Monica: What’re you gonna do?

Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser.

(In slow motion we see Phoebe look at Marcel, then at Luisa. She jumps toward Marcel just as Luisa fires the gun.)

Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! (Marcel runs off and Luisa runs after him. Monica goes to check up on Phoebe) Are you okay?

Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! (She notices the tranquiliser dart has hit her in the butt and removes it) Huh. (Sways back) Whoah.

Monica: Oh gosh.

[Cut to Marcel walking along a hallway. He notices a banana on the floor and picks it up. The hand of an unseen person grabs him and carries him away. Then cut to Ross and Rachel on the street outside.]

Ross: Marcel?

Rachel: Marcel?

Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We’ve been all over the neighbourhood. He’s gone, he’s-he’s just gone.

Rachel: Ross, you don’t know that.

Ross: Oh come on. It’s cold, it’s dark, he doesn’t know the Village. (Kicks a sign in frustration) And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank you very much.

Rachel: Ross, I said I’m sorry like a million times. What do you want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? Okay, I’m gonna break my foot, right here. (Kicks the sign) Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, are you happy now?!

Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y’know, now that you kicked the sign, hey! I don’t miss Marcel any more!

Rachel: Y’know, it is not like I did this on purpose.

Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you’re off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people’s monkeys, or to people’s feelings…

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: I don’t even wanna hear it, you’re just…

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: Oh, forget it, okay?

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: What? What?

(A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them. They stare for a minute and then hobble after him)

Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman!

(Scene 4: Everyone in the hall outside Mr. Heckles’ door. Ross is carrying the box of bananas. He bangs on the door)

Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea.

(Mr. Heckles opens the door)

Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas?

Mr. Heckles: What about it?

Ross: Gimme back my monkey.

Mr. Heckles: I don’t have a monkey.

Rachel: Then what’s with all the bananas?

Mr. Heckles: Potassium.

(There is a monkey-like noise from within and Ross pushes past Mr. Heckles and enters his apartment)

Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?

(Marcel jumps into view wearing a pink dress. Everybody gasps)

Ross: Marcel! What’ve you done to him?

Mr. Heckles: That’s my monkey. That’s Patti, Patti the monkey.

Ross: Are you insane? C’mere, Marcel, c’mon. (Marcel starts to go to him)

Mr. Heckles: C’mere, Patti. (Marcel turns round)

Ross: C’mere, Marcel. (Turns to Ross)

Mr. Heckles: C’mere, Patti. (Turns to Mr. Heckles)

Luisa: (Out of shot) Here, monkey. Here, monkey! Here, monkey! (Marcel runs to the door and into Luisa’s cage, which she slams shut) Gotcha.

Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back.

Mr. Heckles: That’s my monkey.

Luisa: You’re both gonna have to take this up with the judge.

Mr. Heckles: That’s not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you can send that back whenever.

Ross: Alright, I want my monkey.

Luisa: No!

Rachel: Oh, c’mon, Luisa!

Luisa: Sorry, prom queen.

Ross: (To Rachel) You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn’t’ve been fat.

Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you… were also there! But if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. C’mon, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it!

Luisa: Nope.

Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, and I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s. Rachel and Ross are there. Ross is trying to get the dress off Marcel.]

Ross: It’ll be nice to get this off finally, won’t it? Yes it will. (Marcel resists) Or we can leave it on for now, that’s fine.

Rachel: Y’know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit.

Ross: Listen, I’m- I’m sorry I was so hard on you before, it’s just I…

Rachel: Oh, Ross, c’mon. It’s my fault, I almost lost your…

Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, y’know? You, you were great. …Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape?

Rachel: That’d be good.

Ross: Alright. (He goes to get the glasses. Then he hesitates and turns off the main light. Rachel looks round and he acts surprised) The, uh, the neighbours must be vacuuming. (He sits down and starts to pour the wine) Well, so long as we’re here and, uh, not on the subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before, and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we, um…

(Barry bursts in)

Barry: Rachel.

Rachel: Barry?!

Barry: I can’t. I can’t do it, I can’t marry Mindy. I think I’m still in love with you.

Ross and Rachel: Oh!

Ross: We have got to start locking that door!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler are looking through Monica’s high school yearbook]

Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids?

Phoebe: Nope.

Monica: That’s because I’m in front of them.

Chandler: Eh. I thought that was an alp.

Monica: Well, high school was not my favourite time.

Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y’know? It was just four years of parties and dating and sex.

Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would’ve involved a major lifestyle choice.

Monica: Gosh, doesn’t it seem like a million years ago?

Phoebe: Oh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! (She stands up and starts to dance around) Ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oooh! Ooh!

End

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Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. .
Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein


(The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out resumes while whistling the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai.)

Ross: Uh, Rach, we’re running low on resumes over here.

Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?

Chandler: Well, if you’re gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for.

Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I’m going for anything here, OK? I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it. I’m sick of the lousy tips, I’m sick of being called ‘Excuse me…’

Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?

Rachel: Uh… yeah, why?

Ross: Uh, nothing, I’m sure they’ll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills.

Rachel: (upset) Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it’s on all of them?

Joey: Oh no, I’m sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are sitting at a table. Rachel is working. Monica and Phoebe enter.]

Monica: Hey, guys.

Chandler and Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey… hi, ladies… uh, can I get you anything? (to Monica, quietly): Did you bring the mail?

Monica: Lots of responses.

Rachel: (to Monica): Really? (out loud): Sure, we have scones left! (to Monica): OK, read them to me.

Phoebe: (reading): Dear Ms. Green, thank you for your inquiry, however… oh… (crumples up letter)

Rachel: (out loud): We have apple cinnamon…

Monica: (reading): OK… Dear Ms. Green… yeah… yeah… yeah… No. (crumpes up letter)

Phoebe: Wow!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: (reading): Your Visa bill is huge!

Rachel: (grabs the bill) Give me that!

(Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)

Chandler: You know, I can’t believe you. Linda is so great! Why won’t you go out with her again?

Ross: I don’t know.

Chandler: Is this still about her whole ‘The Flintstones could’ve really happened’ thing?

Ross: No, it’s not just that. It’s just-I want someone who… who does something for me, y’know? Who gets my heart pounding, who… who makes me, uh… (begins to stare lovingly at Rachel)

Chandler: …little playthings with yarn?

Ross: What?

Chandler: Could you want her more?

Ross: Who?

Chandler: (sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening.

Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just… (Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on table): Hiiii!

Rachel: Hi! How are you?

Ross: We’re fine, we’re fine.

Rachel: OK. (walks away)

(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)

Joey: Shut up!

Chandler: We’re not-we’re not saying anything.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: Uhhhh… Joey cried last night.

Joey: Thank you.

Chandler: (to the girls) We were playing poker, alright…

Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked like an eight, alright?

Ross: Oh, guys, you should’ve seen him. ‘Read ’em and weep.’

Chandler: And then he did.

Rachel: Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?

Phoebe: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it’s poker, so only guys can play?

Ross: No, women are welcome to play.

Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of… you know, like, like… some kind of, y’know, like… alright, what is it?

Chandler: There just don’t happen to be any women in our games.

Joey: Yeah, we just don’t happen to know any women that know how to play poker.

Girls: Oh, yeah, right.

Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse!

Rachel: Really.

Monica: I mean, that’s a typical guy response.

Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?

Girls: No.

Rachel: But you could teach us.

Guys: No.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the guys are teaching the girls how to play poker.]

Chandler: (teaching) OK, so now we draw cards.

Monica: So I wouldn’t need any, right? Cause I have a straight.

Rachel: Oh, good for you!

Phoebe: Congratulations!

(Microwave timer goes off. Monica gets up.)

Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want?

Phoebe: OK, I just need two… the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.

Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can’t-you can’t do…

Rachel: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! (gives it to Phoebe)

Ross: No, no. Uh… no, see, uh, you-you can’t do that.

Rachel: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that’s OK, I don’t need them. I’m going for fours.

Ross: Oh, you’re… (gives up)

(Monica comes back to the table with plates of food.)

Monica: Alright, here we go. We’ve got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites.

Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo!

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what’re you doin’? This is a poker game. You can’t serve food with more than one syllable. It’s gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz…(look of realization)

Chandler: (changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer…

Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let’s play for real. High stakes… big bucks…

Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn’t look happy…

Phoebe: But… I’m ready, so, just deal.

Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey… three… eight. Eight… three. (Joey is unamused) Alright babe, deal the cards.

(Time lapse.)

Monica: (throws down her cards) Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Phoebe: (to Joey): Oh I see, so then, you were lying.

Joey: About what?

Phoebe: About how good your cards were.

Joey: Heh… I was bluffing.

Phoebe: A-ha! And… what is bluffing? Is it not another word for… lying?

Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I’ve got resumes to fax before work tomorrow… (gets up to leave)

Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.

Rachel: Settle what?

Chandler: The… Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so…

Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game.

Rachel: Oh. Right.

Joey: You know what, you guys? It’s their first time, why don’t we just forget about the money, alright?

Monica: Hell no, we’ll pay!

Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready.

Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch.

Ross: Well that’s fine with me. Could use the money.

Rachel: (to Ross): So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends.

Ross: (pause)…Yeah.

Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.

Ross: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you’re gonna play poker with me, don’t expect me to be a ‘nice guy,’ OK? Cause once those cards are dealt… (claps hands three times)

Joey: (pause)…Yeah?

Ross: I’m not a nice guy.

[Scene: Ross’ apartment. Chandler and Joey are there. Ross enters with a pizza.]

Ross: Alright boys, let’s eat.

Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the ‘I Love Rachel’ pizzeria?

Ross: You still on that?

Chandler: Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? (mimicking): “When I play poker, I’m not a nice guy!”

Ross: You are way off, pal.

Joey: No, I don’t think so, see Ross, because I think you love her.

Ross: Um…. no. See, I might’ve had feelings for her at one time-not any more. I just-I…

(Marcel makes a screeching noise in background.)

Ross: Marcel! Where are you going with that disc?

(Marcel puts a CD in the player.)

Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK-if you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.

(The Lion Sleeps Tonight starts to play. Marcel starts to dance.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are there.]

Rachel: (opening mail) Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?

Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.

Phoebe: Ha. Ha, ha.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You’re black.

Monica: Please! I am not as bad as Ross.

Rachel: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident?

Monica: That was not an incident! I-I was gesturing, a-and the plate slipped out of my hand.

Rachel: Oooooh. (reads letter) (surprised): Oh! I got an interview! I got an interview!

Monica: You’re kidding! Where? Where?

Rachel: (in disbelief): Sak’s… Fifth… Avenue.

Monica: Oh, Rachel!

Phoebe: Oh, it’s like the mother ship is calling you home.

Monica: Well, what’s the job?

Rachel: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping… for a living!

(Knock on door.)

Monica: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has been playing poker since she was five. You gotta listen to every word she says. (opens door) Hi!

Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead?

Rachel: No.

Monica: I don’t think so.

Rachel: Why?

Aunt Iris: Well, he may be now, because I think I hit him with my car.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Oh my God!

Monica: Really?

Aunt Iris: No! That’s bluffing. Lesson number one. (walks into kitchen) Let me tell you something… everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap. (to Phoebe): Nice earrings.

Phoebe: Thank y… (thinks about it)

Aunt Iris: Girls, sit down.

Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that’s Rachel…

Aunt Iris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked at a meter. Let’s do it.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, everyone but Rachel is seated around his table. The Lion Sleep Tonight plays in the background.]

Phoebe: Ross, could we please, please, please listen to anything else?

Ross: Alright.

(Ross shuts off the CD player. Marcel runs into the bedroom and slams the door.)

Ross: I’m gonna pay for that tonight.

(Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!

Chandler: Um, ok… the… the fifth dentist caved and now they’re all recommending Trident?

Rachel: Noooo… the interview! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, and-oh, I went to camp with her cousin… And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well!

All: That’s great! That’s wonderful!

Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story…

Monica: OK, great. You’ll tell us and we’ll laugh. Let’s play poker.

Joey: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you don’t want to play, we completely understand.

Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game… like, uh, I don’t know… Pictionary?

(The guys all duck under the table.)

Monica: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we’d like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies?

Phoebe and Rachel: Yes, we should. I think we should.

Ross: Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?

Rachel: No, no, thats OK. Y’know, I think I’m gonna give it a go.

Ross: Alright.

Rachel: Alright… (shuffles cards expertly, all the guys stare in amazement)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross’s Apartment, continued from earlier.]

Ross: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones.

Joey: But hey, thanks for teachin’ us Cross-Eyed Mary. You guys, we gotta play that at our regular game.

Phoebe: Alright, here’s my $7.50. (Hands them the money) But I think you should know that this money is cursed.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it.

Chandler: That’s alright, I’ll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can break ’em up with a movie.

Ross: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen…

Rachel: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I’m a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women. (hands over her money)

Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.

Rachel: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyone is there ready for another poker game.]

Ross: So, you gals wanna hand over your money now? That way, we don’t have to go through the formality of actually playing.

Rachel: Ooooh, that’s fine. We’ll see who has the last laugh there, monkey boy.

Monica: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we ready to play some serious poker?

Phoebe: (holding a card and waving it in front of her face) Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack follows me wherever I go. (they look at her) Right, OK, serious poker.

(Ross gets up from the table.)

Monica: Excuse me, where are you going?

Ross: Uh… to the bathroom.

Monica: Do you want to go to the bathroom, or do you wanna play poker?

Ross: I want to go to the bathroom. (exits)

Joey: Alright, well, I’m gonna order a pizza. (gets up)

Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I’m still waiting to hear from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat then.

Joey: That’s fine. I’ll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me over.

Monica: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante. (deals cards)

Phoebe: (looks at her cards) Yes! (everyone looks at her) …. or no.

(Ross comes back from bathroom.)

Ross: Alright. (to Rachel): Your money’s mine, Green.

Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. (he checks it, and zips up)

(Time lapse.)

Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? ‘Joker’ is ‘poker’ with a ‘J.’ Coincidence?

Chandler: Hey, that’s… that’s ‘joincidence’ with a ‘C’!

Joey: Uh… Phoebe? Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah. Um… I’m out. (throws in cards)

Rachel: I’m in.

Monica: Me too.

Joey: Me too. Alright, whattaya got.

Ross: Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause… I gotta flush. (lays down cards)

Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, cause I got four sixes! (lays down cards) I won! I actually won! Oh my God! Y’know what? (collects chips) I think I’m gonna make a little Ross pile. (holds up a chip) I think that one was Ross’s, and I think-oh-that one was Ross’s. Yes! (Starts singing): Well, I have got your money, and you’ll never see it

(Ross stands up.)

Rachel: And your fly’s still open…

(Ross looks down.)

Rachel: Ha, I made you look….

(Time lapse.)

Rachel: I couldn’t be inner. Monica?

Phoebe: Monica, in or out?

Monica: (slams down cards) I hate this game!

(Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards Chandler, who hides it under the table.)

Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet.

Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (the girls look at him, confused) Oh, I’m out.

Phoebe: Ross?

Ross: Oh, I am very in.

Phoebe: Chandler?

Chandler: Couldn’t be more out. (throws in cards)

Phoebe: Me too. Rachel.

Rachel: Uh, I will see you… and I’ll raise you. (throws chips in pot) What do you say… want to waste another buck?

Ross: No, not this time. (he folds) So… what’d you have?

Rachel: I’m not telling. (collects chips)

Ross: Come on, show them to me. (reaches for her cards, Rachel covers them up)

Rachel: No..!

Ross: Show them to me!

Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!

Ross: Let me see! Show them!

Chandler: Y’know, I’ve had dates like this.

Rachel: (deals new hand) Boy, you really can’t stand to lose, can you? Your whole face is getting red… little veins popping out on your temple…

Phoebe: Plus that shirt doesn’t really match those pants.

(Ross is visibly upset.)

Ross: First of all, I’m not losing…

Rachel: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing. (phone rings)

Ross: Let’s not talk about losing. Just deal the…

Rachel: (answering phone) Hel-lo, Rachel Green.

Ross: (mimicking Rachel) Mee mee, mee-mee mee.

Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me. (covers up phone; to Ross) It’s about the job.

(Rachel walks into kitchen to talk on the phone.)

Rachel: Barbara! Hi, how are you? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) No, I understand. Yeah. Oh, oh, come on, no, I’m fine. Don’t be silly. Yeah… oh, but you know, if-if anything else opens up, plea-Hello? Hello? (hangs up phone, very depressed)

(Rachel goes back and sits down. The rest don’t know what to say.)

Monica: Sorry, Rach.

Phoebe: Y’know, there’s gonna be lots of other stuff.

Rachel: Yeah…(sigh)….OK. Where were we? Oh, OK… five card draw, uh… jacks or better… nothing wild, everybody ante.

Joey: Look, Rachel, we don’t have to do this.

Rachel: Yes, we do. (pause)

Monica: Alright, check.

Joey: Check.

Ross: I’m in for fifty cents. (throws it in)

Chandler: Call.

Phoebe: I’m in.

Rachel: I see your fifty cents… and I raise you… five dollars. (throws it in)

Ross: I thought, uh… it was a fifty cent limit.

Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I’d like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that?

(Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross, who thinks about it.)

Rachel: (to Ross): Loser?

(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)

Ross: No, I fold. (lays cards down, and gets up)

Rachel: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that ‘once the cards were dealt, I’m not a nice guy.’ I mean, what, were you just full of it?

(Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks up his cards.)

Ross: I’m in. (throws in chips)

Rachel: How many you want?

Ross: One. (Rachel gives him the card.)

Rachel: Dealer takes two. (she deals herself two cards) What do you bet?

Ross: I bet two dollars. (throws it in)

Rachel: OK… see your two… and I raise you twenty. (throws it in)

Ross: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five. (throws it in)

(The other four look amazed at the large pot.)

Rachel: See your twenty-five…and…uh, Monica, get my purse.

(Monica gets up, looks in Rachel’s purse.)

Monica: Rachel, there’s nothing in it.

Rachel: OK, then get me your purse.

(Monica gets Rachel her purse.)

Monica: OK, here you go. Good luck.

Rachel: (to Monica): Thank you. (to Ross): I saw your twenty-five, and I raise you… seven.

Phoebe: …teen! (throws in a ten-dollar bill)

(Ross looks in his wallet, pulls out two dollars.)

Ross: (to Joey): Joey, I’m a little shy.

Joey: That’s OK, Ross, you can ask me. What?

(Ross looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his stupidity.)

Chandler: (to Ross): What do you need, what do you need?

Ross: Fifteen.

Chandler: Alright, here’s ten. (gives it to him)

Joey: Here, I got five, I got five. (Ross takes the money)

Ross: Thank you.

Chandler: Good luck.

Ross: (to Rachel): OK, I am calling your seventeen. What do you got?

(Long pause as they both look at each other.)

Rachel: (lays down cards) Full house.

(Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts cards on table, face down.)

Ross: You got me.

(Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating in the kitchen, pouring wine and singing. Rachel, shocked, goes to join them.)

Joey: (to Ross): Ahhh, that’s alright. Y’know, that’s a tough hand to beat.

Chandler: (to Ross): I thought we had them!

Ross: Oh, well, when you don’t have the cards, you don’t have the cards, you know. (looks at Rachel) But, uh… look how happy she is. (smiles)

(Chandler and Joey look at her, and then look back at him. They dive for Ross’s hand to see what he had, and he tries to stop them from looking.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, all six are playing Pictionary at Monica’s apartment. Monica is drawing a picture, and the three guys are guessing. She draws what looks like an airplane.]

Chandler: Airplane! Airport! Airport ’75! Airport ’77! Airport ’79!

(Timer goes off.)

Rachel: Oh, time’s up.

Monica: (pointing at the drawing, upset) Bye… bye… BIRDIE.

Joey: Oh!

Phoebe: That’s a bird?

(Monica glares at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: That’s a bird!

(Monica sits, Rachel gets up.)

Rachel: OK, OK, it’s my turn. (reads the answer)

Chandler: Go.

(Rachel starts drawing what looks like a bean.)

Ross: Uh…. bean! Bean!

(Rachel begins tapping the picture of the bean frantically.)

Joey: (triumphantly) The Unbearable Likeness of Being!

Rachel: Yes!

Monica: That, you get? That, you get?

(Monica picks up a glass to take a drink, everyone ducks as though she was about to throw it.)

End

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