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Archive for the ‘Season 2’ Category


Originally written by Adam Chase.
Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.


[Scene: Joey’s new apartment. Everyone but Chandler is there. Joey has decorated the place with tons of tacky stuff.]

JOEY: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself.

ROSS: Get out.

ALL: No.

MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh…

JOEY: Art.

MONICA: Art it is.

ROSS: [looking at a glass table with a panther shaped base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There’s no need to decide.

RACHEL: [holding a pillow made out of 4 inch red fur] Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?

PHOEBE: [looking at a water sculpture that looks like a window with rain running down it] Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.

JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that’s the challenge.

JOEY: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn’t come?

ROSS: Well uh, it’s cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing.

JOEY: Right, I go-, I got it.

PHOEBE: So why don’t ya show us the rest of your casa?

JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c’mon. [leads them to the bathroom, gestures towards toilet, everyone stares, uncomprehending] Heh?

RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.

JOEY: No no no, behind it.

ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone in here?

JOEY: That’s right, I have a phone in here.

MONICA: Joey, promise me something.

JOEY: Yeah.

MONICA: Never call me from that phone.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Ross are seated. Rachel is walking over with coffee and a piece of pie.]

[Someone bumps into Rachel and she drops the pie in a guy’s hood that’s seated at the table. She improvises by using the plate as a saucer for the coffee.]

RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I’m sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered.

CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.

PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise you won’t like, freak out and say how great this is until I’m done, OK.

ALL: OK.

PHOEBE: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat.

ALL: [congradulating her and celebrating]

PHOEBE: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video.

ALL: [celebrating more]

PHOEBE: I’m not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album.

[everyone is quiet, unsure if she’s done or not]

PHOEBE: I’m done now.

ALL: [celebrating]

[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave]

RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man’s hood.

ROSS: Get the what?

RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.

[Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out of his hood as he leaves]

GUY: What’re you doing?

ROSS: I’m sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy’s pants and I’ll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves promptly]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica is outside the bathroom yelling at Ross who’s in the bathroom.]

MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom.

ROSS: Calm down, I’m blow drying.

[Rachel enters with laundry and starts folding]

MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair.

RACHEL: What’s goin’ on?

MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can’t believe it, it’s like I’m living with him again. He’s here when I go to sleep, he’s here when I wake up, he’s here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It’s like I’m sixteen all over again .

RACHEL: Well, you’re not sixteen, you’re both adults now.

MONICA: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!

RACHEL: Or ya know, he’s rubber and you’re glue.

ROSS: [comes out] All yours.

MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

MONICA: Shut up.

ROSS: [childish voice] Shut up.

MONICA: Cut it out.

ROSS: [childish voice] Mi-mi-mii.

[Monica goes in the bathroom]

RACHEL: [sarcastically] I’ve never wanted you more.

[Scene: Chandler’s apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar wearing huge dog-slippers]

CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question… you’re going crazy.

[Joey’s apartment, phone rings]

JOEY: Hello.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey!

CHANDLER: Listen, I’m, I’m sorry I didn’t make it over there today.

JOEY: Oh, that’s OK. You uh, you had a thing.

CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.

JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I’m havin’ a ball. How’s the apartment doin’

CHANDLER: Oh hey, it’s, it’s terriffic. I mean it’s a regular space… fest.

JOEY: Oh, well great.

CHANDLER: Yeah I just… wanted to call and say hey.

JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?

CHANDLER: That’s right my friend. It’s time for…

BOTH: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV’s]

JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer?

CHANDLER: I still can’t believe they promoted her to lieutenant.

JOEY: Naa, you’re just sayin’ that ’cause you’re in love with Yasmine Blepe.

CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe?

JOEY: Hey, hey, they’re runnin’

CHANDLER: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between Monica and Phoebe.]

MONICA: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.

JOEY: I did. I thought it’d be great. I figured I’d have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don’t have as many thoughts as you’d think.

PHOEBE: Joey, why don’t you talk to Chandler about moving back?

JOEY: You really think he’d take me? I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt him bad.

MONICA: I promise you, he would definitely want you back.

[Scene: Chandler’s apartment. Chandler is sitting between Rachel and Ross.]

ROSS: I’m telling you, there’s no way he’s moving back.

CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.

ROSS: Look, I know you don’t want to hear this right now but, we’ve seen him in his new place, alright. And he’s happy, he’s, he’s decorated.

RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too.

CHANDLER: But…

ROSS: No. You’re just gonna have to accept the fact that you’re just friends now, OK, you’re not… rommmates anymore.

[Scene: Recording studio. Phoebe is getting ready to record Smelly Cat.]

PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers start singing smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that?

PRODUCER:They’re your backup singers… beind you.

PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know.

PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top.

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers – smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it’s not your fault] OK, sorry. I’m just, I’m just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, ’cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.

PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It’s just that it’s costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let’s go.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Ross is on the phone.]

ROSS: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comes out of her room] Oh, were you takin’ a nap?

MONICA: I was.

ROSS: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That’s the other line. [gets the other line] Hello. Oh yeah she’s here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. [hangs up the other line] Call Joanna. [back on with Tony] Hi.

MONICA: Did she leave a number?

ROSS: Did you see me write one down?

MONICA: I don’t have her number, butt-munch.

ROSS: Well, she’ll call back, don’t be such a baby.

MONICA: I’m not a baby, you’re the baby.

ROSS: Look, you wanna get off my back?

MONICA: You wanna get out of my face?

ROSS: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. [answers second line] Hello. Hi, yeah no, she’s right here. Um hold on. [gets first line] Hi Tony, can I call you back? That’s uh, that’s my sister’s boyfriend.

MONICA: Give me that.

ROSS: OK.

MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she starts throwing oranges at Ross who’s looking pleased with himself]

[Scene: Chandler’s apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar, bouncing a ball against the door. Joey walks in right as he throws the ball and catches it.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: So uhh, how’s the palace?

JOEY: You know it’s funny you should mention that ’cause I was thinkin’… what’s with the boxes?

CHANDLER: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news.

EDDIE: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss it out?

CHANDLER: Well, uh, why don’t you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.

EDDIE: Nice to meet ya.

JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I’ll take that. [grabs moose hat] It’s what I came for. So, this is new. Where’d you two meet?

EDDIE: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.

JOEY: Wow.

CHANDLER: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.

JOEY: Oh, now it’s a spare room?

CHANDLER: Well yeah, in that it’s not being used and I… have it to spare.

JOEY: Well I uh, got what I came for. [puts on moose hat] I’ll uh, I’ll see you guys.

CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When’d you start usin’ mousse in your hair?

EDDIE: [annoying laugh] Is this guy great or what?

JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there.]

MONICA: I can’t believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?

ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.

RACHEL: It’ll never last, he’s just a rebound roommate.

[Pheobe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It’s Smelly Cat the video.

ALL: [cheer]

PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven’t seen it yet so, if you don’t like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. [puts the tape in] OK.

[The video is a very dramatic episode with an obviously dubbed voice for Phoebe. Everyone watches in disbeliefe]

PHOEBE: Oh my God.

ROSS: I know.

PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I’ve never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear.

RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh?

PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie’s apartment. Joey stops by. Chandler is reading the paper and Eddie is fixing eggs.]

EDDIE: Hi Joey, what’s goin’ on man?

JOEY: Eddie.

CHANDLER: Morning.

JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. [looks for the mail on the table by the door, it’s not there] Where’s the mail?

CHANDLER: Oh it’s uh, over there on the table.

JOEY: You don’t keep it over here on this table any more?

CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there.

EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh?

CHANDLER: Oh, ooh.

JOEY: Huh.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.

CHANDLER: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they’re pretty darn good.

EDDIE: Well you guys, I’m outta here. See ya pals.

CHANDLER: See ya. [Eddie leaves]

JOEY: So how you two gettin’ along?

CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn’t be happier.

JOEY: Great, well, I’m happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it’s empty] Alright that’s it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin’ the mail and his, his ‘see ya pals’. And now there’s no juice. There’s no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.

CHANDLER: There’s another carton right over there.

JOEY: Hey, this isn’t about juice anymore, alright man.

CHANDLER: Alright, so what’s it about?

JOEY: Eggs. Who’s eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?

CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally.

JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.

CHANDLER: Well what’s the difference? Your eggs aren’t here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross and Monica are fighting over the remote.]

MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.

ROSS: Tough noogies, we’re watching Predators of the Serengetti.

RACHEL: Would you guys stop.

MONICA: It’s my TV.

ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.

MONICA: Bite me.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin’ the channel.

MONICA: Oh that’s great, why don’t you tell mommy on me.

RACHEL: Now I’m mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I’m gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy. [goes in the bathroom]

MONICA: OK, what’re we gonna do about this?

ROSS: Well, I guess we could tape Entertainment Tonight.

MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re, you’re, it’s jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.

ROSS: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon, you’ve gone ultrasonic again, alright.

MONICA: I just can’t stand you being here all the time.

ROSS: Why, why, why can’t you stand me being here? I don’t, I, we’re just, ya know, we’re just havin’ fun.

MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?

ROSS: Yeah, c’mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we’re just foolin’ around. Like when, uh, when we were kids.

MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids.

ROSS: You hated me when we were kids?

MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a ‘you’re my brother so I have to’ kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.

ROSS: Why did you hate me?

MONICA: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.

ROSS: And that wasn’t fun for you?

MONICA: Duh-huh!

ROSS: I can’t believe you hated me.

MONICA: Now I love you. And not just ’cause I have to.

ROSS: Really?

MONICA: Yeah. You’re just gonna have to stop pissing me off.

ROSS: I can do that.

MONICA: Then I won’t have to kill you.

ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment Tonight?

MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what?

ROSS: What?

MONICA: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can.

ROSS: Ohh… OK. [changes the channel]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are hanging out.]

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.

ALL: No.

PHOEBE: Yes.

RACHEL: Well, how did you find out?

PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it’s OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.

MONICA: So what’re you gonna do?

PHOEBE: Well, I can’t work with people who would do this.

MONICA: Sure.

PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman.

ROSS: What woman?

PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn’t have a video.

RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what about you?

PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she’s so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn’t have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it’s like, she’s like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants ’cause they’re not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who’s just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she’s smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie’s apartment.]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?

EDDIE: No thanks man, I’m not uh, I’m not really into sports.

CHANDLER: [stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK, alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn’t matter, time for Baywatch.

EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show?

CHANDLER: You don’t like that show?

EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it’s just a bunch of pretty people runnin’ around on the beach, ya know.

CHANDLER: Well that’s the brilliance of it. The pretty people… and the running.

EDDIE: I tell ya, I-, I’m gonna go read in my room for a little while.

CHANDLER: Oh o-, OK man.

[Joey’s place. He’s watching Baywatch, lauging. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one’s there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to.]

[Chandler’s. He’s playing foosball by himself.]

[Joey’s. Playing ping pong by himself.]

[All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it’s raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it’s just his tabletop water sculpture.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is performing Smelly Cat.]

PHOEBE: [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody.

ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it’s not your fault.

PHOEBE: Monica.

MONICA: [sings] They won’t take you to the vet.

PHOEBE: Chandler.

CHANDLER: [reluctantly sings] You’re obviously not their favorite pet.

MONICA: Joey.

JOEY: [sings] It may not be a bed of roses.

PHOEBE: Rachel.

RACHEL: [sings] And you’re no friend to those with noses.

PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more.

END

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Originally written by Betsy Bornes
Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.

 


 

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal]

JOEY: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch’s eyebrows are actually on his hat?

CHANDLER: That’s what’s weird? Joey, the man’s been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.

[Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.]

CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah.

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.

JOEY: Yeah, so.

CHANDLER: Well don’t you see how gross that is? I mean that’s like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?

JOEY: Well, that was only ’cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.

CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.

JOEY: Hey, why can’t we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It’s self-cleaning.

JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, Joey and Chandler enter.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What’s the occasion?

JOEY: Well, you know that guy that’s on my show that’s in a coma? He’s havin’ a brunch.

PHOEBE: Ahh.

RACHEL: [enters from her room] OK, ready when you are.

PHOEBE: Okey-doke.

MONICA: I can’t believe you guys are actually getting tattoos.

CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?

RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross ’cause I want to surprise him.

JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What’re you gonna get?

PHOEBE: Um, I’m getting a lily for my Mom. ‘Cause her name’s Lily.

CHANDLER: Wow, that’s lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

JOEY: So where you gettin’ it?

PHOEBE: I think on my shoulder. [Ross enters]

ROSS: What? What’s on your shoulder?

PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I’m getting a tattoo.

ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? [to Rachel] Hi.

RACHEL: Hi. Well hey, you don’t – you don’t think they’re kind of cool?

ROSS: No, sorry I don’t. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn’t come out right Phoebe? Then it’s like, I don’t know, havin’ a bad hair cut all the time. Why’s everyone staring at me?

MONICA: Ross, come sign this birthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute.

CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin’ to the party too, huh?

MONICA: Well, he’s my parents’ best friend, he has to be there.

JOEY: Oh, is today the day you’re gonna tell them about you two?

MONICA: Yeah. It’s my dad’s birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.

PHOEBE: No, I think you should tell them.

MONICA: No, I don’t even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I’m not telling them anything.

ROSS: I don’t know, I don’t think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, ‘God I hope they get together.’

[Scene: The Gellers’ house. Monica, Ross, and Richard are arriving to Mr. Gellers birthday party.]

ROSS: Alright, shall we?

MONICA: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? Ross, let’s – let’s switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like we’re trying to cover something up.

ROSS: Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn’t believe it. [opens door] We’re here.

MRS. GELLER: Oh hi kids. Hi darling.

MONICA: Happy birthday dad.

MR. GELLER: Oh thank you.

ROSS: Hi ma.

RICHARD: Happy birthday.

MRS. GELLER: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?

ROSS: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.

[Scene: The Gellers’ kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller and one of Mrs. Geller’s friends are preparing the cake.]

FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in?

MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.

FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he’s got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monica sprays whipped cream all over the place]

MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom.

MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard’s shopping in the junior section.

MONICA: Are we still on that?

MRS. GELLER: We just know she’s got the IQ of a napkin.

FRIEND: She’s probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up. [Monica folds her arms over her breasts]

[Scene: Joey’s co-star’s apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.]

JOEY: Can you believe this place?

CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment.

JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there’s mirrors on both sides of you. So when you’re in there it’s like you’re peein’ with the Rockettes.

CHANDLER: Wow, there’s my fantasy come true. No, seriously.

JOEY’S CO-STAR: Hey.

JOEY: Hey! We were just sayin’, great apartment man.

JOEY’S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it?

JOEY: Huh?

JOEY’S CO-STAR: Yeah, I’m movin’ to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one.

JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?

JOEY’S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C’mon I’ll show you the kitchen.

CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that’s all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning – on TV. Stop talking. OK.

[Scene: Mr. Geller’s party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richard while Ross observes.]

MR. GELLER: C’mon, tell us.

FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20.

RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything.

MR. GELLER: C’mon Rich, it’s my birthday, let me live vicariously.

ROSS: Dad, you really don’t want to do that.

MR. GELLER: Ahh, what’s a little mid-life crisis between friends?

RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go?

MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you’re going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You… you got your own little speedster.

RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.

MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .

ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

MR. GELLER: What? I’m kidding. You know I’d never let him touch the Porsche.

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos.]

PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily?

RACHEL: Well I. . .

PHOEBE: I like this lily. It’s more open, ya know, and that’s like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.

TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you’re in room two, not so blonde girl, you’re with me.

PHOEBE: Here we go.

RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: You’re not going?

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: What? Is it – is this ’cause of what Ross said?

RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe.

PHOEBE: I don’t believe this. Is this how this relationship’s gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c’mon what is this, 1922?

RACHEL: What’s 1922?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do – a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?

RACHEL: Yes I do, it’s just that Ross is. . .

PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?

RACHEL: No.

PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss of you?!!

RACHEL: You?

PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!!

[Scene: Mr. Geller’s birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richard comes in.]

RICHARD: How ya doin’?

MONICA: I’m a twinkie.

RICHARD: Really? I’m a hero.

MONICA: Oh, this is so hard.

RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.

MONICA: Maybe we should just tell your parents first.

RICHARD: My parents are dead.

MONICA: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . . you know what I mean.

RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I’ll go out first, alright.

MONICA: Alright.

RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom] Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.

MRS. GELLER: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support.

[Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Geller enters the bathroom, Mr. Geller peeks his head in.]

MR. GELLER: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn’t believe I have one.

MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?

MR. GELLER: I know. He’s like a new man. It’s like a scene from Cocoon.

MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.

MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she’s quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he’s falling in love with her.

MRS. GELLER: Really.

MR. GELLER: I tell you, I’ve never seen him this happy.

MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?

MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it’s like I’ve got two 25-year-olds.

MRS. GELLER: [they start kissing] Oh Jack stop.

MR. GELLER: C’mon, it’s my birthday.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch.]

JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy’s apartment.

CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.

JOEY: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I’ve already got an apartment that I love.

CHANDLER: Well it wouldn’t kill you to say it once in a while.

JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I’m thinkin’ about it.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: I’m sorry. I’m 28 years old, I’ve never lived alone, and I’m finally at a place where I’ve got enough money that I don’t need a roommate anymore.

CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don’t need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.

JOEY: What’re you gettin’ so bent out of shape for, huh? It’s not like we agreed to live together forever. We’re not Bert and Ernie.

CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well that’s how I feel.

CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well then maybe I will.

CHANDLER: Fine with me.

JOEY: Great. Then you’ll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.

[Scene: Mr. Geller’s birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale.]

MR. GELLER: Who’s drink can I freshen?

MRS. GELLER: Almost time for cake.

ROSS: Mon, Mon, are you OK?

MONICA: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show.

ROSS: Eww.

[Scene: Mr. Geller’s birthday party. Monica and Richard are alone in the kitchen.]

MONICA: Hey there.

RICHARD: What?

MONICA: Nothing, I just heard something nice about you.

RICHARD: Humm, really?

[Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter]

MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn’t seeing anyone is he?

RICHARD: Uhh, not that I know of.

MRS. GELLER: Well, I was thinking, why doesn’t he give Monica a call?

RICHARD: That – that’s an idea.

MONICA: Well, actually, I’m already seeing someone.

MRS. GELLER: Oh?

RICHARD: Oh?

ROSS: Ohh.

MRS. GELLER: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica’s seeing someone?

ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren’t. Is that crystal?

MRS. GELLER: So, who’s the mystery man?

MONICA: Well, uh, he’s a doctor.

MRS. GELLER: A real doctor?

MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he’s a real doctor. And he’s handsome, and he’s sweet, and know you’d like him. [she puts her arm around Richard]

MRS. GELLER: Well that’s wonderful. . . I

MONICA: Mom, it’s OK.

RICHARD: It is Judy.

MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW!

MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it.

ROSS: I’ll take that dad. [grabs the bat]

MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item.

MR. GELLER: That’s impossible, he’s got a twinkie in the city.

MONICA: Dad, I’m the twinkie.

MR. GELLER: You’re the twinkie?

RICHARD: She’s not a twinkie.

MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I’ve been in. . .

MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship.

MONICA: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man.

RICHARD: Really?

MONICA: Yes.

MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?

MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you’ve never seen Richard happier.

MR. GELLER: When did I say that?

MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom.

[Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.]

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe her tattoo.]

PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.

RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I’m so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.

PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let’s see yours again.

RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it’s gone, that’s so weird, I don’t know how-where it went.

RACHEL: You didn’t get it?

PHOEBE: No.

RACHEL: Why didn’t you get it?

PHOEBE: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea.

PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?

RACHEL: Really? You don’t say, because mine was licked on by kittens.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey listen, I’m sorry about what happened. . .

CHANDLER: Yeah me too.

JOEY: I know. Yeah.

CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . .

JOEY: No, we’re alright.

CHANDLER: So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons]

JOEY: Plastic spoons. Great.

CHANDLER: Lick away my man.

JOEY: These’ll go great in my new place. You know, ’till I get real ones.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: Well, I can’t use these forever. I mean, let’s face it, they’re no friend to the environment.

CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what’s this about your new place?

JOEY: I’m movin’ out like we talked about.

CHANDLER: Well I didn’t think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight.

JOEY: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever.

CHANDLER: Well, there you go.

JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don’t want to leave you high and dry.

CHANDLER: Hey, no, I’ve never been lower or wetter. I’ll be fine. I’ll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin’, you know, put the foosball table in there.

JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table?

CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it.

JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.

CHANDLER: Alright I’ll tell you what, I’ll play you for it.

JOEY: Alright, you’re on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.

CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table.]

MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them?

RICHARD: No, it’s been a long time since your dad and I went running.

[Rachel and Phoebe enter]

RACHEL: Oh.

MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see.

RACHEL: Is Ross here?

MONICA: No he went out to get pizza.

RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monica her tattoo]

MONICA: That’s great.

RICHARD: Very tasteful.

PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: What? You didn’t get one.

PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this? [shows her bare shoulder]

RICHARD: What’re we looking at? That blue freckle?

PHOEBE: OK, that’s my tattoo.

RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.

PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It’s the way my mother sees me from heaven.

RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, ‘Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?’ OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends over and bears her tattoo right when Ross returns]

ROSS: You got a tattoo?

RACHEL: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world.

ROSS: Lemme see. [looks]

RACHEL: Well?

ROSS: Well it’s really. . . sexy. I wouldn’t have thought it would be but. . . wow.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff?

RACHEL: I guess.

ROSS: Hey, save us some pizza. [they go off to Rachel’s room]

[Scene: Chandler’s apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.]

JOEY: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it.

CHANDLER: Stop talkin’ to your men. [Joey scores]

JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine.

CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandler leaves]

[Scene: Chandler’s apartment. The whole gang is helping Joey pack.]

JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right?

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We’ll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here.

PHOEBE: I know you’re just moving uptown but I’m really gonna miss you.

MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore.

RACHEL: Yeah, who’s gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and – is that my bra? What the hell you doin’ with my bra?

JOEY: Oh no-no, it’s uh, it’s not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn’t even get theirs accross the street.

CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, I remember.

ROSS: Hey, let’s bring the rest of these down to the truck.

[Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.]

CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?

JOEY: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice.

CHANDLER: Thanks.

JOEY: So, I guess this is it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so.

[Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.]

JOEY: Listen, uh, I don’t know when I’m gonna see you again.

CHANDLER: Well, I’m guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house.

JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

[Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.]

CLOSING CREDITS

 

END

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Originally written by
Transcribed by Joshua Hodge

Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.


[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Joey and Chandler enter with Chandler covering his eyes and Joey leading him.]

JOEY: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking.

CHANDLER: Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.

JOEY: Alright open your eyes. [opens his eyes to see two black leather recliners and a big screen TV]

CHANDLER: Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.

JOEY: Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option.

CHANDLER: Congratulations!

JOEY: I know.

chandler: Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.

JOEY: Uh-huh.

CHANDLER: So uh, which one is mine?

JOEY: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. [Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs] Not that one.

CHANDLER: [sits down] Ohh yes.

JOEY: [sits down] Ohh yeah, that’s the stuff.

CHANDLER: [reaches for the footrest lever] Do we dare?

JOEY: We dare.

BOTH: [both extend the footrests] Aaahhhh. [both recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]

PHOEBE: I can’t believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.

CHANDLER: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.

ROSS: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van Dyke is practically life-size.

ALL: Woah!

MONICA: Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn’t she?

[Rachel enters]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

ALL: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey you.

ROSS: Hey you. [they stand together in front of the TV.]

CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move]

RACHEL: So, uh, how was your day?

ROSS: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping.

RACHEL: Really? Mine too.

PHOEBE: Hey cool, mine too.

ROSS: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I’ll see you tonight.

RACHEL: OK. [they go to kiss but everyone’s watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her head and leaves]

ROSS: Bye guys.

ALL: Bye.

MONICA: [walks up to Rachel in front of the TV] Tonight?

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV]

MONICA: What’s tonight?

RACHEL: It is our first official date. Our first date.

MONICA: Uh, hello.

RACHEL: Hi.

MONICA: Tonight you’re supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you?

RACHEL: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is our first date.

MONICA: Yes but my mom got me this job.

PHOEBE: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress.

RACHEL: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.

MONICA: Really Phoebs? Because, you know, you’d have to be an actual waitress. This can’t be like your ‘I can be a bear cub’ thing.

PHOEBE: I can be a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick’em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.

[Scene: Dr. Burke’s apartment. Dr. Burke answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.]

PHOEBE: It’s James Bond.

MONICA: Sorry we’re late.

DR. BURKE: Ah, that’s OK, come on in. Um, I’m sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.

MONICA: Dr. Burke, it, it’s me.

DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great.

MONICA: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe. She’s gonna be helping me tonight.

DR. BURKE: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. [Phoebe just giggles when they shake] So, how ya been?

MONICA: I’ve been great, just great. How have you been? [tilting her head]

DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn’t have done the head tilt.

MONICA: The head tilt?

DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it’s always with a sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating] ‘How ya doin’? You OK?’

MONICA: I’m sorry.

DR. BURKE: No no, it, it’s fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the ‘I’m OK’ head bob. [demonstrates] ‘I’m OK.’ [tilts head] ‘You sure?’ [bobs head] ‘Yeah, I’m fine.’ Hey listen, I’ve got to set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD’s to change.

MONICA: [her and Phoebe tilt their heads] Oh, that’s too bad.

DR. BURKE: [bobbing his head] I’ll survive.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. They’re still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering a pizza.]

CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don’t ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they’ll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there’s no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza’s on the way. I told you we wouldn’t have to get up.

JOEY: What if we have to pee?

CHANDLER: I’ll cancel the sodas.

[Scene: Dr. Burke’s apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are in the kitchen.]

MONICA: You’ve got to get back out there, it’s your party.

DR. BURKE: But they’re so dull, they’re all opthamologists.

MONICA: You’re an opthamologist.

DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif.

PHOEBE: [entering the kitchen from the party] That’s funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there.

DR. BURKE: See.

MONICA: Alright, I’ll tell you what. I’ll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.

DR. BURKE: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see ’em go nuts? Watch this. [grabbing some wine glasses and opening the door to the party] Who needs glasses? [everyone laughs]

PHOEBE: You are so smitten.

MONICA: I am not.

PHOEBE: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out.

MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don’t think so. I mean, like, he’s a grown up.

PHOEBE: So. You two are totally into each other.

MONICA: Phoebe, he’s a friend of my parents. He’s like 20 years older than me.

PHOEBE: OK, so what, you’re just never gonna see him again?

MONICA: Not never. I mean, I’m gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment.

PHOEBE: Didn’t you like, just get your eyes checked?

MONICA: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross and Rachel are returning from a movie.]

RACHEL: C’mon, I’m not saying it was a bad movie, I’m just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow.

ROSS: I told you there was going to be sub-titles.

RACHEL: I know, I just didn’t want to wear my glasses on my first date.

[They start kissing.]

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: It would really help when I’m kissing you if you didn’t shout out my sister’s name.

RACHEL: Honey, I’m just checking.

ROSS: Oh.

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: Mon.

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: Mon.

[Since they’re alone they start kissing and Ross’s hands work their way down until they’re on Rachel’s butt. Rachel starts laughing.]

ROSS: What, what.

RACHEL: I’m sorry. Oh God, I’m sorry, it’s just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, Ross’s hands are on my butt. Sorry.

ROSS: And that’s, that’s funny why?

RACHEL: Well it’s not, honey I’m sorry, I guess I’m just nervous. I mean, it’s you, ya know, it’s us. I mean, we’re crossing that line, sort of a big thing.

ROSS: I, I know it’s big, I just didn’t know it was uh, ha-ha big.

RACHEL: OK. [start kissing again and Rachel starts lauging again]

ROSS: OK, my hands were no where near your butt.

RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I’m good, I’m not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.

ROSS: No see now, now I can’t because uh, I’m feeling too self conscious.

RACHEL: Just one cheek.

ROSS: Nuh, uh, the moment’s gone.

RACHEL: Alright, just put your hands out and I’ll back up into them.

ROSS: That’s romantic.

RACHEL: C’mon touch it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Oh, come on squeeze it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Rub it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. They are watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.]

JOEY: Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet somehow it’s expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax.

CHANDLER: You got a Cheeto on your face man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]

[Ross enters]

JOEY: Hi.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.

JOEY: What’re you doin’ here? Aren’t you supposed to be out with Rachel?

ROSS: That was 14 hours ago.

CHANDLER: So how’d it go?

ROSS: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin’ around with a girl and uh, she started laughin’?

CHANDLER: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.

JOEY: She laughed at you?

ROSS: Yeah. I don’t know, I’ve been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why isn’t that laser beam cutting through the paint?

CHANDLER: It’s the Miracle Wax.

JOEY: It certainly is a miracle.

[Rachel enters]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

RACHEL: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin’ about. . .

CHANDLER: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it’s harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.

[Rachel and Ross go out in the hall]

RACHEL: OK, listen, I’m sorry about last night and I really want to make it up to you.

ROSS: No, you, ya know there’s no need to make it u. . . how?

RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert.

ROSS: Humm, that sounds, I don’t, perfect.

[there’s a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it back up to find a shoe has been thrown at it]

RACHEL: What’s this.

CHANDLER: Could you get us a couple of beers?

[Scene: Dr. Burke’s office. Monica is there for her eye appointment.]

DR. BURKE: I’m going to look into your eyes now.

MONICA: Really.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, that’s my job. Alright, look up. . . look down, now open your eyes, now look down. That’s right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . OK. Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes.

MONICA: Good, they feel good, in my head.

DR. BURKE: So, it’s great to see ya.

MONICA: You too.

DR. BURKE: You too.

MONICA: OK, um. Goodbye.

DR. BURKE: Drops!

MONICA: What?

DR. BURKE: Drops. Here, they’re free.

MONICA: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going.

DR. BURKE: Oh, OK, yeah. I’ll see ya later.

MONICA: Thanks again.

[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they embrace in a full on kiss]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. They’re still watching TV. Phoebe stands in front of the TV.]

PHOEBE: We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, woah, hey, woah.

PHOEBE: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.

JOEY: No, inside good, outside bad.

PHOEBE: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, XANADU! OH.

CHANDLER: She’s one of us now.

[Rachel and Ross enter]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

ROSS: Hey.

CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Hey.

ROSS: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh, say goodnight.

CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Goodnight.

ROSS: Look at that, they won’t even turn their heads.

RACHEL: Alright you guys, I’m takin’ off my shirt.

JOEY: [uses a dentist mirror to see] Naa, she’s lyin’.

[Monica enters carrying food that’s been delivered]

MONICA: Stop sending food to our apartment.

ROSS: Well, why’re you all dressed up?

PHOEBE: You’re not the only one who has a date tonight.

ROSS: What? You have a date? Who with?

MONICA: No one.

ROSS: C’mon, what’s his name?

MONICA: Nothing.

ROSS: Come on, tell me.

MONICA: Alright, but I’m very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won’t get all big-brothery and judgmental.

ROSS: Oh, I promise, what.

MONICA: It’s Richard Burke.

ROSS: Who’s Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he’s like a uh, brother to dad.

MONICA: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I’ve ever been with.

ROSS: Doctor Burke is sexy?

RACHEL and PHOEBE: Oh God, absolutely.

ROSS: [his beeper goes off] It’s the museum again, can I, oh.

RACHEL: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once.

MONICA: When?

RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. [points to the tip of her nose]

PHOEBE: Oh you are so lucky.

RACHEL: I know.

ROSS: [on the phone] Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn’t supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect.

CHANDLER: Well maybe he was nervous.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross is fixing a display, Rachel is waiting patiently.]

ROSS: Oh look, I can’t believe this. Look, homo-habilus hasn’t even learned how to use tools yet and they’ve got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don’t, why don’t they just give him a microwave? I’m sorry, I’m sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it’s just it’s longer than I expected, we will have dinner.

RACHEL: It’s OK, it’s fine.

ROSS: KARL!

[Ross leaves to find Karl. Rachel takes a peek under the loincloth of one of the display models.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are sitting on the couch. He’s showing her the pictures in his wallet.]

MONICA: Wow, is that Michelle?

DR. BURKE: Yep.

MONICA: I’ve not seen her since high school graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional.

DR. BURKE: Ya know, she’s having another baby.

MONICA: I thought she just had one.

DR. BURKE: No no. Henry’s almost two and he’s talking and everyting. Here. You know, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa’s a drunk but still. . .

MONICA: Oh, you’re a grandpa.

DR. BURKE: Yeah. Are we nuts here?

MONICA: I don’t know, maybe. I mean I’m dating a man who’s pool I once peed in.

DR. BURKE: I didn’t need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I’m a whole person who can drink older than you.

MONICA: Yeah.

DR. BURKE: So.

MONICA: So maybe we should just. . .

DR. BURKE: Yeah, yeah, maybe.

MONICA: Wow, this really sucks.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it turns into a passionate kiss]

MONICA: Well, we don’t really have to decide anything right now, do we?

DR. BURKE: No, no, there’s no rush or anything.

[knock at the door]

DELIVERY GUY: Pizza delivery.

MONICA: Oh, I’m gonna kill those guys.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross enters the display where Rachel is waiting.]

ROSS: Rach.

RACHEL: Oh.

ROSS: I’m done.

RACHEL: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino’s.

ROSS: Wha, OK, I’m sorry, let’s uh, why don’t we find someplace else.

RACHEL: No, you know what, it’s late, everything’s gonna be closed. Why don’t we just do it another night?

ROSS: No, no, we won’t.

RACHEL: We won’t?

ROSS: [grabs a fur pelt] C’mon.

RACHEL: OK, that’s dead right?

[Scene: The museum planetarium. Ross and Rachel enter on stage.]

RACHEL: What is this? What are we doing?

ROSS: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape?

RACHEL: Grape.

ROSS: [spreads the pelt on the floor] OK, now, sit. OK. [he starts the music system]

RACHEL: Oh, God.

[The stereo system booms out ‘Billions of years ago. . .’. Ross gets up and changes it to music.]

ROSS: Sorry.

RACHEL: Ah, so what are we looking at?

ROSS: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: I’ve no idea, could be. Listen, I’m sorry I had to work tonight.

RACHEL: Oh it’s OK. You were worth the wait, and I don’t just mean tonight. [they kiss]

ROSS: You’re not laughing.

RACHEL: This time it’s not so funny.

[They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross’s tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.]

RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that’s OK.

ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.

RACHEL: Oh, thank God.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.]

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi you. I can’t believe I’m waking up next to you.

ROSS: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: We’re not alone. [A church youth group is outside the display watching them]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butthead.]

[they’re laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off]

JOEY: Is that the fire alarm?

CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it’s not warm yet, we still have time.

JOEY: Cool.

END

Read Full Post »


Originally written by Alexa Junge.
Trascribed by Josh Hodge.


NOTE: For this episode, I’m using italics to signify portions contained in the prom video.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler is playing foosball by himself, Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal] Huh?

JOEY: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin’ for you. [hands Chandler an envelope.

CHANDLER: What’s this?

JOEY: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.

CHANDLER: Well, I don’t know what Big Leon told ya but it’s an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for?

JOEY: Well, I’m makin money now and this is payin’ you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can’t even count. I love ya man.

CHANDLER: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.

JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin’ for uh, ya know, always bein’ there for me. [hands Chandler a jewelry box]

CHANDLER: Wow, I don’t know what to say. [opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet] Wow, I, I don’t know what to say.

JOEY: Heh, what d’ya say?

CHANDLER: I don’t know. It’s a bracelet.

JOEY: Isn’t it? And it’s engraved too, check it out.

CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud.

JOEY: Put it on.

CHANDLER: Oh, now? [puts it in his desk drawer] No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer]

JOEY: Oh, no no, that’s the beauty part, it goes with everything. [gets the bracelet from the drawer] You put this on, you’re good to go. [puts the bracelet on Chandler] Ohhh man, you are so wearin’ that bracelet.

CHANDLER: I so am.

JOEY: You have any idea what this’ll do for your sex life?

CHANDLER: Well, it’ll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I’ll be back on track.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: A kitchen somewhere. Monica is interviewing for a job]

INTERVIEWER: Well, this all looks good.

MONICA: Great.

INTERVIEWER: And if I want to call for a reference on your last job?

MONICA: Oh, that’s there on the bottom, see the manager, Chandler Bing.

INTERVIEWER: Alright, lets see if you’re as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad.

MONICA: A salad? Really I, I could do something a little more complicated if you like.

INTERVIEWER: No, just a salad will be fine.

MONICA: You got it.

INTERVIEWER: Now, I want you to tell me what you’re doing while you’re doing it.

MONICA: Alright, well I’m tearing the lettuce.

INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?

MONICA: Oh-oh, no no don’t worry, I’m gonna wash it.

INTERVIEWER: Don’t, I like it dirty.

MONICA: That’s your call.

INTERVIEWER: So, uh, what are you going to do next?

MONICA: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.

INTERVIEWER: Are they, uh, firm?

MONICA: They’r alright.

INTERVIEWER: You sure they haven’t gone bad? You’re sure they’re not very, very bad?

MONICA: No really, they’re OK.

INTERVIEWER: You gonna slice them up real nice?

MONICA: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.

INTERVIEWER: Aaaahhhhhhh.

MONICA: I’m outa here. [Monica leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting at the couch. Ross is sitting at the table and answers the phone.]

ROSS: Y-ello. No, Rachel’s not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? OK, bye-bye. Hey, who’s this uh, this Casey?

PHOEBE: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.

ROSS: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?

CHANDLER: Well, I’m guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight.

ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don’t know, I don’t get, I don’t get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I’m takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin’ down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.

PHOEBE: Hang in there, it’s gonna happen.

ROSS: Wha, OK, now how do you know that?

PHOEBE: Because she’s your lobster.

CHANDLER: Oh, she’s goin’ somewhere.

PHOEBE: C’mon you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin’ around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . .

[Monica enters from bathroom after taking a shower]

CHANDLER: Hey, you feelin’ better?

MONICA: Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me.

PHOEBE: So, do you have any other possibilities?

MONICA: Oh yeah, well there’s the possibility that I won’t make rent.

ROSS: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some money.

MONICA: No no no, if I couldn’t pay you back right away then I’d feel guilty and tense every time I saw you.

ROSS: Oh OK. Well then why don’t you, uhh, why don’t you borrow it from mom and dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. You might as well make some money off of them.

CHANDLER: Ya know, the man’s got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off]

PHOEBE: What is that sparkly thing?

CHANDLER: That thing, it’s a uhh. . . yeah it’s, it’s a little flashy.

ROSS: No no, no no, it’s not flashy, not for a Goodfella.

MONICA: Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica answers the door and lets her parents in. They are carrying boxes.]

MONICA: Hi.

MR. GELLER: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Hi darling.

MONICA: So, what’s this.

MR. GELLER: Some of your old stuff.

MRS. GELLER: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We’re turning your room into a gym.

MONICA: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross’s room?

MR. GELLER: Gosh, we talked about that but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges, well we didn’t want to disturb them.

MONICA: Oh, God forbid.

[Rachel enters with a laundry basket]

MRS. GELLER: Oh, hi Rachel.

RACHEL: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear.

RACHEL: Oh, well, you know, they’re just separated so, you know, never know, we’ll see.

MR. GELLER: Well, I can’t say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we’ve known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii.

RACHEL: What, what incident?

MR. GELLER: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don’t you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. You fold. [shuffles her into her room]

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on couches. A beautiful woman is looking at Chandler.]

PHOEBE: Do you want a refill?

CHANDLER: No, I’m alright, thanks.

PHOEBE: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. [she sticks out her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and then in her best male voice. . .] Dude, 11 o’clock, totally hot babe checkin’ you out. That was really good, I think I’m ready for my penis now.

CHANDLER: [walks over to the woman] I know what you’re thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s.

GAIL: I’m Gail.

CHANDLER: Chandler. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet]

GAIL: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was nice meeting you.

CHANDLER: What? [realizes it was the bracelet] Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap.

PHOEBE: It’s not that bad.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don’t have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]

PHOEBE: Chandler, Chandler.

CHANDLER: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi. Hey man, we were just doin’ some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. [Joey turns around and walks out without saying anything] That’s actually good.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a man at the counter. Ross and Phoebe are sitting at the couches.]

ROSS: Would you look at that guy, I mean how long has he been talking to her. It’s like, back off buddy she’s a waitress not a geisha.

PHOEBE: I think she’s OK.

ROSS: [Rachel, laughing, puts a hand on the guy’s shoulder] Look at that, look at that, see how she’s pushing him away and he won’t budge. Alright, I’m gonna do something. [walks up in the middle of their conversation] Excuse me, are you Rachel?

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: I’m Ross Geller. Wha, I’m, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow.

RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin’?

ROSS: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don’t believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we’ll, we’ll have something to tell the grandkids.

MAN: Sure will. I’ve uh, gotta go. Take care.

ROSS: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. [man leaves] You’re welcome.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: I was saving you.

RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me?

ROSS: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . .

RACHEL: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save.

ROSS: But, you are.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Uh, uh, well you’re, umm, you’re my lobster.

RACHEL: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again?

ROSS: No no, you’re uh, you’re my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they’re old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh, Phoebs you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster thing?

PHOEBE: Do the claws again.

ROSS: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We’re, let’s talk, what about us?

RACHEL: Ross, there is no us, OK.

ROSS: No, but. . .

RACHEL: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I’m tired of being clobbered, ya know, it’s, it’s just not worth it.

ROSS: Well, but, but. . .

RACHEL: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that.

ROSS: E-except, except that what?

RACHEL: No, no, ACC-cept that.

ROSS: Oh.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler is there. Joey enters.]

CHANDLER: Hey man, look it’s my best bud. How ya doin? [Joey doesn’t respond] Wow, you are really gettin’ good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a basketball to Joey. Joey doesn’t move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that’s my bad.

JOEY: If you hated the bracelet so much, Chandler, you should have just said so.

CHANDLER: Well, doesn’t the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?

JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?

CHANDLER: OK, well that’s the part where I’m a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn’t focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c’mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]

JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions]

CHANDLER: I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . . [Joey returns to his room]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Mr. and Mrs. Geller are watching tennis on TV, Monica is sitting at the table]

MR. GELLER: You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I’m just saying, it’s right there.

ROSS: Hey guys.

MRS. GELLER: Hi, darling. Where’s my grandson, you didn’t bring him?

ROSS: No, he’s at uh, Carol’s and Susan’s today.

MR. GELLER: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I’m just saying.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack look, there’s that house paint commercial that cracks you up. [the Gellers return to watching TV and Ross goes over to Monica]

MONICA: Where have you been?

ROSS: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet?

MONICA: No, but that’s probably ’cause I haven’t asked them yet.

ROSS: C’mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news.

MONICA: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before but umm, I, I’m no longer at my job, I, I had to leave it.

MRS. GELLER: Why?

MONICA: Because they made me.

MRS. GELLER: You were fired? What’re you gonna do?

MR. GELLER: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little harmonica we’re talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go?

MONICA and ROSS: In the bank.

MR. GELLER: There you go. So she dips into her savings, that’s what it’s there for. She’s gonna be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. [pulls a quarter from behind her ear]

MONICA: Anything larger back there?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe enter.]

CHANDLER: I can’t believe it.

PHOEBE: Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.

CHANDLER: Oh, you’re right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar]

RACHEL: [comes up from behind the bar and startles Chandler] Hey. I’ve got something that’s gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther found? [holds up Chandler’s bracelet]

PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two.

CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: How come you have two?

CHANDLER: Well this one’s for you.

JOEY: Get out.

CHANDLER: No, I can’t. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it’s about you and me and the fact that we’re [reading bracelet] best buds.

JOEY: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we’re bracelet buddies.

CHANDLER: That’s what they’ll call us.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Ross are standing in the kitchen. Ross is filling out a check]

ROSS: Here you go, you can pay me back whenever you like.

MONICA: You have dinosaur checks?

ROSS: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what’s wrong with that?

MONICA: Nothin’, nothin’, hey you’re a cheapasaurus. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, thank you, I’m very greatful.

PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with Chandler and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a box] Hey, Mon, what is this?

MONICA: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then.

CHANDLER: Oh, I thought that’s what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.

JOEY: [pulls out a VCR tape] Hey Monica, what’s on this video tape?

MONICA: Hey, you got me, put it in.

ROSS: [Rachel enters] Oh.

RACHEL: Hi.

ROSS: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel’s coming up the path. Oh doesn’t she look pretty. Jack, get this. [Rachel enters with a huge nose]

RACHEL: Oh my God.

JOEY: What is with your nose?

RACHEL: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum.

CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that’s what they used to cover Connecticut.

MONICA: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom.

RACHEL: Oh.

ROSS: You know what, you guys, we don’t have to watch this.

ALL: Oh yeah we do. C’mon.

MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where’s Monica.

MONICA: Over here dad. [he pans over and we see a torso taking up the whole screen]

MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is.

JOEY: Some girl ate Monica.

MONICA: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.

CHANDLER: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

MONICA: Oh, you look so great.

RACHEL: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. [they hug]

MONICA: Oops.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you.

RACHEL: Oh, that’s OK, it’s just the shoulder, it’s not my dress.

MR. GELLER: Everybody smile.

MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off.

MR. GELLER: It is off.

MONICA: Dad, it is not. What’s with the red light?

MR. GELLER: It’s the off light. Right Ross? [pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache]

JOEY: Lookin’ good Mr. Cotter.

ROSS: You look pretty tonight.

RACHEL: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer?

ROSS: Oh, you know, I’m just gonna, I’m gonna hang out, work on my music.

RACHEL: [the shoulders of her dress keep falling off her shoulders] Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can’t. . .

ROSS: Uh, hold, let me see, I don’t know. So what’re you gonna do. . . [doorbell rings]

RACHEL: Oh, the guys are here.

ROSS: this summer?

CHANDLER: Work on your music?

[Ross is sitting on the stairs with a laptop keyboard playing ‘Axel-F’]

RACHEL: Oh my God, look there’s Roy Gublik.

MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper.

RACHEL: Where’s Chip, why isn’t he here yet?

ROY: He’ll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monica’s corsage on, Monica then turns and whispers to Rachel]

MONICA: I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob.

RACHEL: I can’t go to my own prom without a date, I can’t, it’s too late.

MONICA: If you’re not going then I don’t want to go either.

ROY: Oh, I’m gonna kick Chip’s ass.

MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.

ROSS: Doubtful.

MRS. GELLER: Jack, give me that. Talk to your son.

MR. GELLER: Your mother’s right. Take her, you can wear my tux.

ROSS: Dad, she won’t want to go with me.

MR. GELLER: Of course she would, you’re a college man.

ROSS: I don’t know.

MR. GELLER: Well, c’mon. Don’t ya want to find out?

RACHEL: I can’t believe I don’t get to go to my own prom, this is so harsh.

ROSS: OK. Hold my board.

MR. GELLER: Atta boy. [Ross scrambles upstairs to change]

ROSS: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we’ve seen enough, let’s turn it off.

ALL: No, no, no.

ROSS: OK, fine, well I’m not gonna watch, alright.

MR. GELLER: C’mon kid, let’s go.

MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome.

MR. GELLER: Let’s show ’em.

ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad.

MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving]

RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?

MR. GELLER: Press the button.

MRS. GELLER: Which one? Which button, Jack.

MR. GELLER: The button, the button.

MONICA: I can’t believe you did that.

ROSS: Yeah, well.

[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross]

PHOEBE: See, he’s her lobster.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica is watching the rest of the tape]

MRS. GELLER: Dance with him.

MONICA: Mom, I’m hungry.

MRS. GELLER: Dance with your father.

MR. GELLER: I may not know any of your flash dances but I’m no slouch on the dance floor.

MONICA: Alright.

[the tape cuts to Monica’s parents under the covers]

MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack.

MR. GELLER: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy.

BOTH: Oh, ohhhhh.

[Monica is visibly upset]

END

Read Full Post »


Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof
Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.


[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel’s.]

[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can’t get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth…

[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: …With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, ’cause it’s a jungle out there.]

[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]

ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad.

JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.

ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.

PHOEBE: I can see that, ’cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
MONICA: And the fact that they’re both monkeys.

ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.

RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.

ROSS: Remember when sometimes he’d borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there’d be little monkey raisins in it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss’s hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]

[Joey enters holding a letter]

JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.

CHANDLER: Rhythm?

JOEY: No, my first fan mail.

ALL: Alright!

MONICA: [reading] ‘Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.’ Gosh. ‘Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.’ Ooh wait, ‘PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.’

RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you’re married.

MONICA: This wasn’t addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There’s no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.

JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.

[Ross enters with a suitcase]

ROSS: Hey guys.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin’ Jake?

ROSS: Well, there’s this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I’d go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.

CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, ’till he realizes he’s a monkey, and uh, you know, isn’t capable of that emotion.

[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]

RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I’m telling you a story, OK. And, and it’s really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.

[Everyone laughs]

PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.

ROB: Hi. I’m Rob Dohnen.

PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen.

ROB: I don’t know anything about music, but I think you’re really, really great.

PHOEBE: Oh, wow.

ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?

PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you’re, you’re the, you’re, me play the songs that I will write for them.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]

JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?

CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]

[door buzzer goes off]

CHANDLER: Hello.

ERICA: It’s Erica.

JOEY: Ah, the stalker.

ERICA: Never mind, it’s open.

CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan’s a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn’t a cartoon.

JOEY: Let’s get out of here.

[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel’s door]

CHANDLER: The one time they’re not home.

JOEY: OK, we’ll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won’t know it’s me ’cause we’ve never met.
CHANDLER: That’s how radio stars escape stalkers.

JOEY: She’s comin’.

[Both run back in their apartment. There’s a knock at the door.]

ERICA: It’s me.

JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we’re gonna die. Ready?

CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he’s holding]

[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]

ERICA: Hi.

JOEY: Erica.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]

LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.

ROSS: Well, I uh, I can’t seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He’s a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.

LIPSON: Ahh, I’m afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.

ROSS: Oh my God, what happened?

LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.

ROSS: I can’t believe this.

LIPSON: I’m sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there’s an old saying, ‘Sometimes monkeys die.’ It’s not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.

ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.

LIPSON: I’m sorry. Look, I know this can’t bring him back but here, it’s just a gesture.

ROSS: Zoo dollars?

LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it’s a lot cuter if your monkey hasn’t just died.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]

KIDS: Ooohhh.

PHOEBE: I know.

MONICA: I can’t believe Joey’s having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.

CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?

RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.

RACHEL: And she’s not crazy?

CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she’s a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he’s going out with her? He can not persue this.

CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn’t mean she’s not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What’re you lookin’ at me for? He’s the one who wants to boff the maniac.

ROB: You OK?

PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I’m just, I’m nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.

ROB: That’s not a good idea, that’s kinda the reason the last guy got fired.

PHOEBE: I’m just, I’m, I’m, I’m used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?

ROSS: I was thinkin’ about it.

PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let’s play some tunes. Hi everybody, I’m Phoebe

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: OK, um, I’m gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
Now, grandma’s a person who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn’t been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la…

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]

ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn’t it amazing?

JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?

ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone’s spinal cord.

JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.

ERICA: Who’s they?

JOEY: No one.

ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won’t.

JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]

ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?

JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you’re good at that.

[Some guy at another table starts choking]

WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he’s choking. Is anyone here a doctor?

ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.

[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]

JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.

ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don’t really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?

JANITOR: It’s about your monkey. It’s alive.

[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.]

ERICA: I don’t understand, why didn’t you help that man?

JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I’m a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.

ERICA: No, no no no, you don’t have to tell me anything. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?

JOEY: But that’s what…

ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.

JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]

ERICA: Hey what?

JOEY: That’s it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]

PHOEBE: [singing] There’ll be times when you get older
when you’ll want to sleep with people
just to make them like you. . .
But don’t.
Cause that’s another thing that you don’t wanna do, everybody
That’s another thing that you don’t wanna do.

MONICA: Excellent!

CHANDLER: Very informative!

RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!

PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There’re cookies in the back.

ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.

PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.

ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.

PHOEBE: But.

ROB: How did you know there was a but?

PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but or butter.

ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin’ that you’d play more songs about like, barnyard animals.

PHOEBE: I can do that.

ROB: Really?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?

PHOEBE: Thinkin’ about it.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]

JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey?

JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.

ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.

JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?

ROSS: That, that’s the only thing the zoo’s ever told me.

JANITOR: Of course they’re gonna say he’s dead. They don’t want the bad publicity. It’s all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?

ROSS: That guy Lipson?

JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?

ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson.

JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with…

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.

JANITOR: Word on the street – well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.

ROSS: Of course.

JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That’s all I know.

ROSS: This is unbelievable.

JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?

ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?

JANITOR: Maybe.

ROSS: But you already told me everything.

[Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.]

ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.

RACHEL: Well, so what’re you gonna do?

ROSS: Well, I guess I’m gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.

CHANDLER: That’s what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.

PHOEBE: OK, hi again.

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Today we’re gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
[singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that’s how we get hamburgers.
Nooowww, chickens!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]

TV DOCTOR: You’re the only one who can save her Drake.

JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I’m a doctor, I’m not God.

ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system.

[knock at the door]

ERICA: It’s Erica.

JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.

RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.

JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.

RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?

MONICA: Rachel, it’s a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.

JOEY: Hey Erica, c’mon in.

ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?

JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What’s up?

ERICA: Ohh, and I see you’re having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?

JOEY: Who?

ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor’s lounge.

JOEY: It’s not what you think, that was…

ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]

JOEY: Alright look, that’s it. I don’t think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I’m not even a doctor, I’m an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?

JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here?

RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]

ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.

JOEY: ‘Cause it’s a television show.

ERICA: Drake, what’re you getting at?

JOEY: I’m not Drake.

ROSS: That’s right, he’s not Drake, he’s Hans Remore, Drake’s evil twin.

ERICA: Is this true?

RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]

MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn’t. [throws water in his face]

CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]

ERICA: Is all this true?

JOEY: Yes, I’m afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he’s the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he’s the guy for you.

ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]

ROSS: Hans…Hans…Yo evil twin.

JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care

ERICA: I’ll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]

JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]

PHOEBE: Fired! Why?

ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.

PHOEBE: I can’t believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?

ROB: No.

PHOEBE: I see.

ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.

PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?

ROB: I’m not saying you have to be Barney.

PHOEBE: Who’s Barney.

[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]

ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he’s healthy, he’s happy, and he’s right here in New York filming Outbreak II – The Virus Takes Manhattan.

RACHEL: You’re kidding.

JOEY: This is amazing.

ROSS: I know.

JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey’s makin’ movies.

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I’m ready.

RACHEL: OK.

[little kid enters]

KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?

PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that’s me.

KID: [shouting out the door] She’s here.

[a rush of kids enter]

PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women,
sometimes men love men,
and then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they’re kidding themselves.
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la…

[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]

ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven’t seen my monkey in almost a year.

CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I’m not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

SECURITY GUARD: C’mon people, back up please, back up, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon.

ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?

SECURITY GUARD: I’m sorry guys, closed set.

ROSS: Uh, I’m sorry, you don’t understand, I’m, I’m, I’m a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.

SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.

MONICA: Ross, there he is.

ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn’t react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way….. [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross’s shoulder]

[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]

SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh…

JOEY: Closed set. We know but we’re friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]

ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It’s your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]

JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.

ROSS: I don’t get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.

TRAINER: Hey don’t take it personal, he’s under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.

RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?

TRAINER: In human terms, I’d say Cybill Shepard.

ALL: Woah.

CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey’s ready for the subway set?

JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one’s he?

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: The one in the director’s chair.

JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.

PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I’m walking with you?

JOEY: Well, we’re, we’re just goin’ over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin’, is he lookin’?

SUSIE: We’ve got a problem.

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: Tell me.

SUSIE: I can’t do Chris’s makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?

SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: I’ll talk to her.

SUSIE: I hate actors.

CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn’t see ya.

SUSIE: Excuse me.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh.

SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?

CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.

SUSIE: Chandler Bing?

CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

SUSIE: I’m Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.

SUSIE: It’s nice to see you’re not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.

CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn’t a pimp.

SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.

CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don’t do that anymore.

[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]

MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

RACHEL: What what what what?

MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn’t know he was in this movie, he is so hot.

RACHEL: Ya think?

MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?

RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?

MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.

RACHEL: Wow, so why don’t you go talk to him?

MONICA: Oh, yeah.

RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he’s cute, what’s the worst that could happen?

MONICA: He could hear me.

RACHEL: OK, I’m doin’ it for ya.

MONICA: Oh Rachel don’t, don’t you dare, don’t, don’t. Tell him I cook.

RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.

VAN DAMME: Hi.

RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you’re cute.

VAN DAMME: You don’t think I’m cute?

RACHEL: I, I don’t know, um, do you think you’re cute? OK, we’re kinda gettin’ off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you’re cute. So what should I tell her?

VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.

[back to Chandler and Susie]

CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.

SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?

CHANDLER: OK that’s not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.

[a voice in the background calls for makeup]

SUSIE: Oh that’s me, I gotta go.

CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.

SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.

CHANDLER: Well, uh, let’s try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie’s, 8 o’clock.

SUSIE: I’ll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I’ll get to see your underwear.

CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?

[back to Rachel and Monica]

MONICA: So what’d he say?

RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.

MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.

RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.

MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that’s what you want to do…

RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I’ll see you tonight. Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]

RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that’s where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.

JOEY: Oh man, she’s so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.

RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?

MONICA: Oh, I’ll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I’ll get it. If I ask you to, you’ll probably end up drinking it yourself.

RACHEL: That is so unfair.

PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel’s trainer. He’s gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.

JOEY: You’re blowin’ me off for a monkey?

ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.

JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.

[Chandler enters]

CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.

PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?

CHANDLER: Like, when you’re cooking a steak.

PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don’t eat meat.

CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?

PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.

CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I’m done.

CHANDLER: I’ve met the perfect woman. OK, we’re sitting on her couch, we’re fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, ‘Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?’

MONICA: What did you say?

CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, ‘Flaign,en – sten’. I mean I didn’t know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?

PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]

SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.

CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn’t take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.

SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.

SUSIE: But um, here’s an idea, have you ever worn women’s underwear?

CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna’s, and there were three of us in there.

SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.

CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?

SUSIE: Could ya?

CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You’re swell.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]

ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel’s favorite dish, banannacake.

JOEY: Oooh.

ROSS: With mealworms.

JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What’dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?

[phone rings]

ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey’s gotta work. No it, it’s no big deal, it’ not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don’t you start talking first.

RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can’t see you in the TV set?

PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share…

MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.

RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.

MONICA: You sold me out.

RACHEL: I did not sell you out.

MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.

RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]

MONICA: Did you just flick me?

RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn’t let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]

MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]

RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.

MONICA: You flicked me first.

[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying “Happy thoughts”. Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]

PHOEBE: OK, now I’m gonna kick some ass.

[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]

MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.

PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.

RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you’re seeing him instead? That’s what you want?

MONICA: OK.

RACHEL: Oh that’s what you want.

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: Fine.

MONICA: Fine,

PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel’s). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director’s Assistant are there.]

ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.

JOEY: Forget about it.

SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy?

CHANDLER: I’m hangin in. . . and a little out.

JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That’s a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.

JOEY: So what’re you guys gonna eat?

SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?

CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.

SUSIE: I want you right here, right now.

CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don’t ya think we’re in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.

SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]

CHANDLER: I’m going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]

[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]

SUSIE: C’mon.

CHANDLER: I can’t believe we’re doing this.

SUSIE: Alright mister, let’s see those panties.

CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler’s pants drop from under the stall door]

SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?

CHANDLER: What?

SUSIE: If you didn’t have your shirt tucked into them.

CHANDLER: Oh.

SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.

CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we’re gonna miss hearing about the specials.

SUSIE: C’mon hurry, hurry.

CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?

SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.

CHANDLER: OK.

[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]

SUSIE: Oh, somebody’s been doing his buns of steel video.

CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-… Susie? Susie.

SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.

CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?

SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that’s what I mean.

CHANDLER: What, what’s what you mean?

SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants ’till I was 18.

CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?

SUSIE: Well um, why don’t you call me in 20 years and tell me if you’re still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]

CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you’re not getting these underpants back.

[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]

MONICA: I can’t believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I’m on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?

VAN DAMME: Sure.

MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.

VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.

MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me?

VAN DAMME: ‘Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and…

[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel’s apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.]

MONICA: Say you’re sorry.

RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]

MONICA: Say it.

RACHEL: No. [hitting again]

[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]

MONICA: Rachel, you say you’re sorry or your sweater gets it.

RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.

MONICA: Say you’re sorry.

RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let’s play, let’s play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica’s purse]

MONICA: What’re you gonna do?

RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it’s handbag marinara.

MONICA: You don’t have the guts.

RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn’t too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.

[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel’s sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica’s purse]

PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?

[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]

PHOEBE: Yes that’s right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.

MONICA: I’ll help you fix your sweater.

RACHEL: I’ll help you throw out your purse.

MONICA: I’m sorry that I made you stop seeing him.

RACHEL: Well, I’m sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.

MONICA: I’m sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel’s gloves out of her purse]

[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel’s. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]

[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]

CHANDLER: Joey?

JOEY: Ma?

CHANDLER: Joey!

JOEY: Chandler? What’re you still doin’ here, I though you guys took off.

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.

JOEY: Are you naked in there?

CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I’m wearin panties.

JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?

CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.

JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.

CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.

JOEY: Well, let me see.

CHANDLER: No. I’m not letting you or anybody else see, ever.

JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone’s flossing.

[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]

ROSS: [to Joey who’s looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don’t like that.

JOEY: Chandler’s wearing panties.

ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]

CHANDLER: No, no, you don’t have to see.

ROSS: Hi Tushie.

CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.

JOEY: Can’t help you, I’m not wearing any.

CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear?

JOEY: Oh, I’m gettin’ heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I’ll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.

[Some guy has entered.]

ALL: Hi.

[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]

CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?

PHOEBE: I’m almost done with it, keep your panties on.

[Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey, hey, and I’m in the movie.

ROSS: What happened?

JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I’m dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.

ROSS: Ahh, oh that’s OK, I mean, he’s probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he’s moved on. Hey, that, that’s the way it goes right.

PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.

ROSS: What?

[“Looks Like We Made It” starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]

[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]

VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.

RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him]

VAN DAMME: Goodbye.

MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]

RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]

MONICA: OK.

VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .

MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.

VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.

MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.

RACHEL: Impressive.

MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking.

MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.

[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]

ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin’ that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.

[Marcel is driven off in a limo]

PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?

CHANDLER: How long you been waitin’ to say that?

PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]

VAN DAMME: Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dead.

END

Read Full Post »


Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof
Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.


[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel’s.]

[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can’t get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth…

[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: …With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, ’cause it’s a jungle out there.]

[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]

ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad.

JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.

ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.

PHOEBE: I can see that, ’cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
MONICA: And the fact that they’re both monkeys.

ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.

RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.

ROSS: Remember when sometimes he’d borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there’d be little monkey raisins in it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss’s hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]

[Joey enters holding a letter]

JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.

CHANDLER: Rhythm?

JOEY: No, my first fan mail.

ALL: Alright!

MONICA: [reading] ‘Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.’ Gosh. ‘Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.’ Ooh wait, ‘PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.’

RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you’re married.

MONICA: This wasn’t addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There’s no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.

JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.

[Ross enters with a suitcase]

ROSS: Hey guys.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin’ Jake?

ROSS: Well, there’s this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I’d go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.

CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, ’till he realizes he’s a monkey, and uh, you know, isn’t capable of that emotion.

[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]

RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I’m telling you a story, OK. And, and it’s really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.

[Everyone laughs]

PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.

ROB: Hi. I’m Rob Dohnen.

PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen.

ROB: I don’t know anything about music, but I think you’re really, really great.

PHOEBE: Oh, wow.

ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?

PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you’re, you’re the, you’re, me play the songs that I will write for them.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]

JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?

CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]

[door buzzer goes off]

CHANDLER: Hello.

ERICA: It’s Erica.

JOEY: Ah, the stalker.

ERICA: Never mind, it’s open.

CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan’s a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn’t a cartoon.

JOEY: Let’s get out of here.

[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel’s door]

CHANDLER: The one time they’re not home.

JOEY: OK, we’ll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won’t know it’s me ’cause we’ve never met.
CHANDLER: That’s how radio stars escape stalkers.

JOEY: She’s comin’.

[Both run back in their apartment. There’s a knock at the door.]

ERICA: It’s me.

JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we’re gonna die. Ready?

CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he’s holding]

[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]

ERICA: Hi.

JOEY: Erica.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]

LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.

ROSS: Well, I uh, I can’t seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He’s a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.

LIPSON: Ahh, I’m afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.

ROSS: Oh my God, what happened?

LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.

ROSS: I can’t believe this.

LIPSON: I’m sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there’s an old saying, ‘Sometimes monkeys die.’ It’s not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.

ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.

LIPSON: I’m sorry. Look, I know this can’t bring him back but here, it’s just a gesture.

ROSS: Zoo dollars?

LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it’s a lot cuter if your monkey hasn’t just died.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]

KIDS: Ooohhh.

PHOEBE: I know.

MONICA: I can’t believe Joey’s having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.

CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?

RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.

RACHEL: And she’s not crazy?

CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she’s a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he’s going out with her? He can not persue this.

CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn’t mean she’s not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What’re you lookin’ at me for? He’s the one who wants to boff the maniac.

ROB: You OK?

PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I’m just, I’m nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.

ROB: That’s not a good idea, that’s kinda the reason the last guy got fired.

PHOEBE: I’m just, I’m, I’m, I’m used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?

ROSS: I was thinkin’ about it.

PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let’s play some tunes. Hi everybody, I’m Phoebe

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: OK, um, I’m gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
Now, grandma’s a person who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn’t been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la…

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]

ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn’t it amazing?

JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?

ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone’s spinal cord.

JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.

ERICA: Who’s they?

JOEY: No one.

ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won’t.

JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]

ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?

JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you’re good at that.

[Some guy at another table starts choking]

WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he’s choking. Is anyone here a doctor?

ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.

[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]

JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.

ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don’t really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?

JANITOR: It’s about your monkey. It’s alive.

[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.]

ERICA: I don’t understand, why didn’t you help that man?

JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I’m a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.

ERICA: No, no no no, you don’t have to tell me anything. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?

JOEY: But that’s what…

ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.

JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]

ERICA: Hey what?

JOEY: That’s it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]

PHOEBE: [singing] There’ll be times when you get older
when you’ll want to sleep with people
just to make them like you. . .
But don’t.
Cause that’s another thing that you don’t wanna do, everybody
That’s another thing that you don’t wanna do.

MONICA: Excellent!

CHANDLER: Very informative!

RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!

PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There’re cookies in the back.

ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.

PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.

ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.

PHOEBE: But.

ROB: How did you know there was a but?

PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but or butter.

ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin’ that you’d play more songs about like, barnyard animals.

PHOEBE: I can do that.

ROB: Really?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?

PHOEBE: Thinkin’ about it.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]

JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey?

JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.

ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.

JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?

ROSS: That, that’s the only thing the zoo’s ever told me.

JANITOR: Of course they’re gonna say he’s dead. They don’t want the bad publicity. It’s all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?

ROSS: That guy Lipson?

JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?

ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson.

JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with…

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.

JANITOR: Word on the street – well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.

ROSS: Of course.

JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That’s all I know.

ROSS: This is unbelievable.

JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?

ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?

JANITOR: Maybe.

ROSS: But you already told me everything.

[Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.]

ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.

RACHEL: Well, so what’re you gonna do?

ROSS: Well, I guess I’m gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.

CHANDLER: That’s what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.

PHOEBE: OK, hi again.

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Today we’re gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
[singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that’s how we get hamburgers.
Nooowww, chickens!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]

TV DOCTOR: You’re the only one who can save her Drake.

JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I’m a doctor, I’m not God.

ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system.

[knock at the door]

ERICA: It’s Erica.

JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.

RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.

JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.

RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?

MONICA: Rachel, it’s a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.

JOEY: Hey Erica, c’mon in.

ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?

JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What’s up?

ERICA: Ohh, and I see you’re having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?

JOEY: Who?

ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor’s lounge.

JOEY: It’s not what you think, that was…

ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]

JOEY: Alright look, that’s it. I don’t think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I’m not even a doctor, I’m an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?

JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here?

RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]

ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.

JOEY: ‘Cause it’s a television show.

ERICA: Drake, what’re you getting at?

JOEY: I’m not Drake.

ROSS: That’s right, he’s not Drake, he’s Hans Remore, Drake’s evil twin.

ERICA: Is this true?

RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]

MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn’t. [throws water in his face]

CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]

ERICA: Is all this true?

JOEY: Yes, I’m afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he’s the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he’s the guy for you.

ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]

ROSS: Hans…Hans…Yo evil twin.

JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care

ERICA: I’ll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]

JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]

PHOEBE: Fired! Why?

ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.

PHOEBE: I can’t believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?

ROB: No.

PHOEBE: I see.

ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.

PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?

ROB: I’m not saying you have to be Barney.

PHOEBE: Who’s Barney.

[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]

ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he’s healthy, he’s happy, and he’s right here in New York filming Outbreak II – The Virus Takes Manhattan.

RACHEL: You’re kidding.

JOEY: This is amazing.

ROSS: I know.

JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey’s makin’ movies.

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I’m ready.

RACHEL: OK.

[little kid enters]

KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?

PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that’s me.

KID: [shouting out the door] She’s here.

[a rush of kids enter]

PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women,
sometimes men love men,
and then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they’re kidding themselves.
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la…

[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]

ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven’t seen my monkey in almost a year.

CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I’m not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

SECURITY GUARD: C’mon people, back up please, back up, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon.

ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?

SECURITY GUARD: I’m sorry guys, closed set.

ROSS: Uh, I’m sorry, you don’t understand, I’m, I’m, I’m a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.

SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.

MONICA: Ross, there he is.

ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn’t react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way….. [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross’s shoulder]

[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]

SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh…

JOEY: Closed set. We know but we’re friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]

ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It’s your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]

JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.

ROSS: I don’t get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.

TRAINER: Hey don’t take it personal, he’s under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.

RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?

TRAINER: In human terms, I’d say Cybill Shepard.

ALL: Woah.

CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey’s ready for the subway set?

JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one’s he?

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: The one in the director’s chair.

JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.

PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I’m walking with you?

JOEY: Well, we’re, we’re just goin’ over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin’, is he lookin’?

SUSIE: We’ve got a problem.

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: Tell me.

SUSIE: I can’t do Chris’s makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?

SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: I’ll talk to her.

SUSIE: I hate actors.

CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn’t see ya.

SUSIE: Excuse me.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh.

SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?

CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.

SUSIE: Chandler Bing?

CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

SUSIE: I’m Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.

SUSIE: It’s nice to see you’re not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.

CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn’t a pimp.

SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.

CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don’t do that anymore.

[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]

MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

RACHEL: What what what what?

MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn’t know he was in this movie, he is so hot.

RACHEL: Ya think?

MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?

RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?

MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.

RACHEL: Wow, so why don’t you go talk to him?

MONICA: Oh, yeah.

RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he’s cute, what’s the worst that could happen?

MONICA: He could hear me.

RACHEL: OK, I’m doin’ it for ya.

MONICA: Oh Rachel don’t, don’t you dare, don’t, don’t. Tell him I cook.

RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.

VAN DAMME: Hi.

RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you’re cute.

VAN DAMME: You don’t think I’m cute?

RACHEL: I, I don’t know, um, do you think you’re cute? OK, we’re kinda gettin’ off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you’re cute. So what should I tell her?

VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.

[back to Chandler and Susie]

CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.

SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?

CHANDLER: OK that’s not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.

[a voice in the background calls for makeup]

SUSIE: Oh that’s me, I gotta go.

CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.

SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.

CHANDLER: Well, uh, let’s try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie’s, 8 o’clock.

SUSIE: I’ll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I’ll get to see your underwear.

CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?

[back to Rachel and Monica]

MONICA: So what’d he say?

RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.

MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.

RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.

MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that’s what you want to do…

RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I’ll see you tonight. Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]

RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that’s where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.

JOEY: Oh man, she’s so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.

RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?

MONICA: Oh, I’ll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I’ll get it. If I ask you to, you’ll probably end up drinking it yourself.

RACHEL: That is so unfair.

PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel’s trainer. He’s gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.

JOEY: You’re blowin’ me off for a monkey?

ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.

JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.

[Chandler enters]

CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.

PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?

CHANDLER: Like, when you’re cooking a steak.

PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don’t eat meat.

CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?

PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.

CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I’m done.

CHANDLER: I’ve met the perfect woman. OK, we’re sitting on her couch, we’re fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, ‘Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?’

MONICA: What did you say?

CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, ‘Flaign,en – sten’. I mean I didn’t know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?

PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]

SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.

CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn’t take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.

SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.

SUSIE: But um, here’s an idea, have you ever worn women’s underwear?

CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna’s, and there were three of us in there.

SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.

CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?

SUSIE: Could ya?

CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You’re swell.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]

ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel’s favorite dish, banannacake.

JOEY: Oooh.

ROSS: With mealworms.

JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What’dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?

[phone rings]

ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey’s gotta work. No it, it’s no big deal, it’ not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don’t you start talking first.

RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can’t see you in the TV set?

PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share…

MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.

RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.

MONICA: You sold me out.

RACHEL: I did not sell you out.

MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.

RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]

MONICA: Did you just flick me?

RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn’t let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]

MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]

RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.

MONICA: You flicked me first.

[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying “Happy thoughts”. Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]

PHOEBE: OK, now I’m gonna kick some ass.

[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]

MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.

PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.

RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you’re seeing him instead? That’s what you want?

MONICA: OK.

RACHEL: Oh that’s what you want.

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: Fine.

MONICA: Fine,

PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel’s). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director’s Assistant are there.]

ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.

JOEY: Forget about it.

SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy?

CHANDLER: I’m hangin in. . . and a little out.

JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That’s a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.

DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.

JOEY: So what’re you guys gonna eat?

SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?

CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.

SUSIE: I want you right here, right now.

CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don’t ya think we’re in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.

SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]

CHANDLER: I’m going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]

[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]

SUSIE: C’mon.

CHANDLER: I can’t believe we’re doing this.

SUSIE: Alright mister, let’s see those panties.

CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler’s pants drop from under the stall door]

SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?

CHANDLER: What?

SUSIE: If you didn’t have your shirt tucked into them.

CHANDLER: Oh.

SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.

CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we’re gonna miss hearing about the specials.

SUSIE: C’mon hurry, hurry.

CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?

SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.

CHANDLER: OK.

[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]

SUSIE: Oh, somebody’s been doing his buns of steel video.

CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-… Susie? Susie.

SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.

CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?

SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that’s what I mean.

CHANDLER: What, what’s what you mean?

SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants ’till I was 18.

CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?

SUSIE: Well um, why don’t you call me in 20 years and tell me if you’re still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]

CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you’re not getting these underpants back.

[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]

MONICA: I can’t believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I’m on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?

VAN DAMME: Sure.

MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.

VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.

MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me?

VAN DAMME: ‘Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and…

[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel’s apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.]

MONICA: Say you’re sorry.

RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]

MONICA: Say it.

RACHEL: No. [hitting again]

[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]

MONICA: Rachel, you say you’re sorry or your sweater gets it.

RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.

MONICA: Say you’re sorry.

RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let’s play, let’s play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica’s purse]

MONICA: What’re you gonna do?

RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it’s handbag marinara.

MONICA: You don’t have the guts.

RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn’t too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.

[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel’s sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica’s purse]

PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?

[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]

PHOEBE: Yes that’s right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.

MONICA: I’ll help you fix your sweater.

RACHEL: I’ll help you throw out your purse.

MONICA: I’m sorry that I made you stop seeing him.

RACHEL: Well, I’m sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.

MONICA: I’m sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel’s gloves out of her purse]

[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel’s. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]

[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]

CHANDLER: Joey?

JOEY: Ma?

CHANDLER: Joey!

JOEY: Chandler? What’re you still doin’ here, I though you guys took off.

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.

JOEY: Are you naked in there?

CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I’m wearin panties.

JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?

CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.

JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.

CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.

JOEY: Well, let me see.

CHANDLER: No. I’m not letting you or anybody else see, ever.

JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone’s flossing.

[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]

ROSS: [to Joey who’s looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don’t like that.

JOEY: Chandler’s wearing panties.

ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]

CHANDLER: No, no, you don’t have to see.

ROSS: Hi Tushie.

CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.

JOEY: Can’t help you, I’m not wearing any.

CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear?

JOEY: Oh, I’m gettin’ heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I’ll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.

[Some guy has entered.]

ALL: Hi.

[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]

CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?

PHOEBE: I’m almost done with it, keep your panties on.

[Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey, hey, and I’m in the movie.

ROSS: What happened?

JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I’m dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.

ROSS: Ahh, oh that’s OK, I mean, he’s probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he’s moved on. Hey, that, that’s the way it goes right.

PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.

ROSS: What?

[“Looks Like We Made It” starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]

[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]

VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.

RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him]

VAN DAMME: Goodbye.

MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]

RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]

MONICA: OK.

VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .

MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.

VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.

MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.

RACHEL: Impressive.

MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking.

MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.

[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]

ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin’ that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.

[Marcel is driven off in a limo]

PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?

CHANDLER: How long you been waitin’ to say that?

PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]

VAN DAMME: Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can’t you see what’s going on here, this man is dead.

END

Read Full Post »


Originally written by Doty Abrams
Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips


[at Ross’s. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up]

ROSS: Ok. Here’s his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh…oh, him. Hi!

CAROL: So how did everything go?

ROSS: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it.

CAROL: Well, we’ve gotta go.

ROSS: Ok.

SUSAN: [clears her throat]

CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I’ve got some news. It’s about us.

ROSS: Oh, you and me?

CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me.

SUSAN: The other us.

ROSS: Ok.

CAROL: We’re uh, we’re getting married.

ROSS: As in, “I now pronounce you wife and wife” married?

CAROL: Anyway, we’d like you to come, but we totally understand if you don’t want to.

ROSS: Why wouldn’t I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.

CAROL: Look I just thought that…

ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn’t I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn’t revel in your joy? I’m revelling baby, believe me!

SUSAN: Is your finger caught in that chair?

ROSS: Mmm hmmm.

CAROL: Want us to go?

ROSS: Uh-huh.

[at Rachel and Monica’s]

ROSS: This is so cool. You’re actually gonna be on television.

JOEY: It really hit me last night. I’m gonna be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin’ about all of u, and how these are the days of our lives..

MONICA: Yes! Carol and Susan’s caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she’s in a full body cast.

ROSS, CHANDLER & JOEY: Yes!

MONICA: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I’ve never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn’t a problem for you, is it?

ROSS: Would it matter?

MONICA: Oh, you are so great! [kisses him] Thank you!

JOEY: Are you really not going?

ROSS: I am really not going. I don’t get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married?

MONICA: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them.

ROSS: If you wanna call that a reason.

CHANDLER: [singing to the tune of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood] Who’s the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.

MONICA: Ross, I thought you were over this.

ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She’s my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you’d expect me to be there.

JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she’d be like the worst lesbian ever.

RACHEL: [entering hurriedly] Did I miss it? Did I miss it?

JOEY: No, I’m on right after this guy shoots himself.

CHANDLER: Whoa, she’s pretty.

JOEY: Yeah, and she’s really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.

RACHEL: I’m sorry, what?

MONICA: What?

JOEY: It’s like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you’re thinkin’ of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.

CHANDLER: Oh, ok.

JOEY: There’s my scene, there’s my scene. [Joey on tv] “Mrs. Wallace, I’m Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister’s neurosurgeon.

MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right?

JOEY: I’m afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee.

CHANDLER: Nice!

RACHEL: That’s great!

ROSS: Excellent!

CHANDLER: For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin’ to smell something.

[Monica and Rachel’s]

ROSS: That is so good! Do it again!

JOEY: All right, all right. “Damnit Braverman, it’s right there on the chart!”

CHANDLER: That’s great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.

ROSS: No no, that’s me.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah.

ROSS: Oh, hello.

PHOEBE: Oh, thanks. I couldn’t uh…

ROSS: Is everything ok?

PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.

ROSS: Oh my god.

CHANDLER: That’s a little more relaxed than you want them to get.

PHOEBE: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman.

MONICA: Oh, honey.

PHOEBE: Yeah, it’s just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, “ok, I’ll have some breakfast, and then I’ll take a little walk, and then I’ll have my massage.” Little did she know God was thinking, “Ok, but that’s it.” Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don’t think it went very far.

RACHEL: What do you mean?

PHOEBE: I think it went into me.

[Everyone takes a step back from Phoebe]

[Central Perk]

MONICA: God, this is so hard. I can’t decide between lamb or duck.

CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would’ve been called Silence of the Ducks.

RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what?

ROSS: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.

CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?

RACHEL: Oh god.

JOEY: I can’t believe you’re so uptight about your mom comin’.

RACHEL: I know, but it’s just it’s the first time, and I just don’t want her to think that because I didn’t marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know?

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman’s voice] Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.

JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady’ll be with us?

PHOEBE: I don’t know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. [Mrs. Adelman’s voice] Sit up!

MRS. GREEN: [entering] There she is.

RACHEL: Mom!

MRS GREEN: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it’s wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that’s the fun.

RACHEL: Pretty much.

MRS GREEN: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.

RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross.

MRS GREEN: Oh hello, Ross.

ROSS: Hi, Mrs. Green. [He gets up to shake her hand, but she ignores him.]

MRS GREEN: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job?

RACHEL: Oh Mom!

MRS GREEN: If you didn’t pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.

CHANDLER: Believe me, sometimes that happens.

MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father’s house to the sorority house to my husband’s house. I am just so proud of you.

RACHEL: Really?

MRS GREEN: Yes.

PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. ‘Course, that’s before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.

JOEY: Pheebs, who’s Evelyn Dermer?

PHOEBE: I don’t know. Who’s Soupy Sales?

[at Rachel and Monica’s

MRS GREEN: Oh my god, there’s an unattractive nude man playing the cello.

RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he’s not playing a smaller instrument.

MRS GREEN: [laughing] You have some life here, sweetie.

RACHEL: I know. And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn’t marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know?

MRS GREEN: I do. You didn’t love Barry. And I’ve never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want.

RACHEL: For…me.

MRS GREEN: Well, not just for you.

RACHEL: Well, what do you mean?

MRS GREEN: I’m uh, considering leaving your father.

MONICA: [entering] All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.

RACHEL: Oh god. I think I’m gonna be sick.

MONICA: Why? It’s not like I’m putting little nipples on them.

ROSS: And you had no idea they weren’t getting along?

RACHEL: None.

JOEY: They didn’t fight a lot?

RACHEL: No! They didn’t even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman’s voice] In my day, divorce was not an option.

JOEY: Hey, look who’s up.

RACHEL: I just can’t believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody’s parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn’t have to worry about this.

MONICA: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she’s doing it because she wants to be more like you.

RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn’t she have just copied my haircut?

CHANDLER: You know, it’s funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it’s actually kinda true.

PHOEBE: That’s him.

CHANDLER: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn’t come yet.

MR A: Phoebe?

PHOEBE: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me.

MR A: Oh, that’s all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.

PHOEBE: Um, do you wanna sit?

MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear?

PHOEBE: I don’t know how to say this, but I think when your wife’s spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.

MR A: You’re saying, my wife is in you?

PHOEBE: Yeah. Ok, you don’t have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she’d be hanging around?

MR A: Well, I don’t know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.

PHOEBE: Everything?

MR A: Everything.

PHOEBE: Whoa, that’s a lot of stuff.

MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.

PHOEBE: I’m sorry, there’s laughing in my head.

MR A: [to Joey] Worth a shot, huh?

[Joey nods and shrugs.]

MRS GREEN: Look at this.

RACHEL: These are from Halloween three years ago.

MRS GREEN: Oh, look, here’s Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office?

RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See, he’s actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.

MONICA: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, “thank you, but I don’t really need your help”?

RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was, “don’t touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen.”

MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don’t think I planned enough time to actually do it.

RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help?

MONICA: If you want.

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty.

RACHEL: She’s still with you?

PHOEBE: Yeah. I guess she hasn’t seen everything yet. I’ll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. [Takes Mrs. Green’s chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman’s voice] Oh, such a pretty face.

MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?

RACHEL: God!

MONICA: All right, look, nobody’s smoking pot around all this food.

MRS GREEN: That’s fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what’s new in sex?

RACHEL: Oh! What’s new in sex?

MRS GREEN: The only man I’ve ever been with is your father.

MONICA: I’m dicing, I’m dicing, I don’t hear anything.

MRS GREEN: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more.

RACHEL: Oh, I’m sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing?

MRS GREEN: No.

RACHEL: You want me to talk you out of it?

MRS GREEN: No.

RACHEL: Then what? What do you want?

MRS GREEN: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this.

RACHEL: Why on earth would I understand this?

MRS GREEN: You didn’t marry your Barry. I did.

RACHEL: Oh.

MONICA: All right people, we’re in trouble here. We’ve only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!

CHANDLER: Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.

MONICA: Joey, speed it up!

JOEY: I’m sorry, it’s the pigs. they’re reluctant to get in the blankets!

PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.

MONICA: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry?

PHOEBE: Sir! No sir!

MONICA: [to Ross] All right, you!

ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing.

MONICA: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don’t help me cook, I’m gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I’m gonna create a new appetizer called “pigs in Ross”. All right, ball the melon.

CHANDLER: Hey! How come I’m stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon.

[knock at the door]

MONICA: Hi.

CAROL: How’s it going?

MONICA: It’s goin’ great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers.[everyone groans]

CAROL: Fine, whatever.

ROSS: What’s the matter?

CAROL: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we’re calling off the wedding.

ROSS: What?

MONICA: You’re still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.

ROSS: Carol, what’s the matter? What happened?

CAROL: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren’t coming.

ROSS: Oh my god.

CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they’re my parents. They’re supposed to give me away and everything.

ROSS: It’s ok. I’m sorry.

CAROL: And then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren’t doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn’t see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don’t know what to do.

ROSS: I uh can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but I think Susan’s right.

CAROL: You do?

ROSS: Look, do you love her? And you don’t have to be too emphatic about this.

CAROL: Of course I do.

ROSS: Well then that’s it. And if George and Adelaide can’t accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn’t want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it.

CAROL: You’re right. Of course you’re right.

MONICA: So we’re back on?

CAROL: We’re back on.

MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can’t believe I lost 2 minutes.

[at the wedding]

JOEY: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.

CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.

[Wedding music starts, Phoebe noisily unwraps a piece of candy.]

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman’s voice] Butterscotch? No one? All right, you’ll be sorry later.

[Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross.]

CAROL: Thank you.

ROSS: Any time. [He doesn’t want to let her go]

CAROL: Ross. [He lets her go]

MINISTER: You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we’re gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.

PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman’s voice] Oh my god. Now I’ve seen everything! [Phoebe’s voice] Whoa, she’s gone. She’s gone. She’s gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.

[At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol and Susan getting their picture taken.]

MONICA: Would you look at them?

ROSS: Yeah, can’t help but.

JOEY: [to a wedding guest] How’s that pig-in-the-blanket workin’ out for you? [the guy nods] I wrapped those bad boys.

PHOEBE: I miss Rose.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah?

PHOEBE: I know it’s kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone.

WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn’t help but overhear what you just said, and I think it’s time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life…how ’bout we go get you a drink?

PHOEBE: Ok, that’s so nice.

[Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman is coming on to her, but Phoebe doesn’t see him.]

CHANDLER: [to an attractive woman] I shouldn’t even bother coming up with a line, right? [The woman walks away]

RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun?

MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I’m not saying it’s something I wanna pursue, but it’s nice to know I have options.

RACHEL: There’s more alcohol, right?

[Susan approaches Ross, who’s looking lonely]

SUSAN: How you doin’?

ROSS: Ok.

SUSAN: You did a good thing today.

ROSS: Yeah.

SUSAN: You wanna dance?

ROSS: No, that’s fine.

SUSAN: Come on. I’ll let you lead.

ROSS: Ok.

[They dance; Carol looks on lovingly.]

CHANDLER: [to the woman who just rejected him] All right look. Penis schmenis. We’re all people. [She walks away again.]

[at Monica and Rachel’s]

MONICA: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married?

ROSS: Well, Mon, I was married.

PHOEBE: Yeah, me, too, technically.

RACHEL: I had a wedding.

MONICA: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion.

JOEY: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? [They all look at Chandler]

CHANDLER: Isn’t Ben in this?

ALL: Oh, yeah!

END

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