Archive for the ‘Season 3’ Category

Story by: Pan-ni Landrum & Mark J. Kunerth
Teleplay by: Adam Chase
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe is there. Bonnie is telling them of her sex-capades.]

Chandler: (to Bonnie) So ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?!

Bonnie: All right, I was 15, it was my best friend, Ruth, and we got drunk on that hard cider, and then suddenly, I don’t know, we were, we were making out.

Chandler: Tell it again. (pause, we see Rachel is not amused.) Seriously.

[cut to Rachel and Monica at the counter.]

Rachel: (to Monica) I mean is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?

Joey: Yeah, sure. Well y’know, earlier she was talking about geography.

Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she’s done it in.

Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

Phoebe: (entering, hurridly) Hey, you guys! Look what I found! Look at this! (She hands Chandler a picture) That’s my Mom’s writing! Look.

Chandler: (reading the back of the picture) Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965.

Phoebe: Y’know what that means?

Joey: That you’re actually 50?

Phoebe: No-no, that’s not, that’s not me Phoebe, that’s her pal Phoebe. According to her high school yearbook, they were like B.F.F. (Ross and Bonnie look at her quizzically) Best Friends Forever.

All: Oh!

Rachel: That is so cool.

Phoebe: I know! So this woman probably could like have all kinds of stories about my parents, and she might even know like where my Dad is. So I looked her up, and she lives out by the beach. So maybe this weekend we could go to the beach?

All: Yeah! Yeah, we can!

Bonnie: (to Ross) Shoot! I can’t go, I have to work!

Ross: That’s too bad.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Ohh, big, fat bummerrr.

Phoebe: So great! Okay! Tomorrow we’re gonna drive out to Montauk.

Joey: Hey, Bonnie had sex there!

(Rachel turns and gives him a look, and Joey quickly apologises.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are waiting for Phoebe to arrive with the cab.]

Monica: (watching a happy couple walk by, arm in arm) Would you look at them. Am I ever gonna find a boyfriend again? I gonna die an old maid.

Chandler: You’re not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook.

Monica: (sarcastic) Thanks!

Chandler: Hey now besides, if worst comes to worst, I’ll be your boyfriend.

(At that suggestion Monica starts laughing.)

Monica: Yeah right.

Chandler: Why is that so funny?

Monica: You made a joke right? So I laughed.

Chandler: Ha-ha-ha. A little to hard. What am I not ah, boyfriend material?

Monica: Well, no. You’re Chandler. Y’know, Chandler! (hits him on the arm)

Chandler: Okay, so we’ve established my name, and hit me. But theoretically y’know, I mean say we weren’t friends, say it’s a blind date. I show up at your door, and I’m like (in a fake voice) “Hey, nice to meet, ya. Hey, oh-hey.”

Monica: Well I’d probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.

Joey: (walking up carrying a brown paper bag) Hey!

Monica: Oh, hey! Oh good, you brought food!

Joey: No, it’s just my luggage.

(Phoebe drives up.)

Chandler, Monica, and Joey: Hey!!

Joey: Woo-hoo! All right! Yeah!

Phoebe: Oh, I am having the best karma this week. First, I find this woman who knew my parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house.

Ross: Yeah? What about ah, that bike messenger you hit?

Phoebe: Oh, I wasn’t talking about his karma.

Rachel: (approaching) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey-hey, check out the hat!

(She is wearing this giant straw hat, the brim on it must be at least, least foot wide.)

Chandler: What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can’t have children!!

Monica: Seriously, where did you get the hat?

Rachel: Ross gave it to me.

Ross: Yeah, I think she looks good.

Rachel: Ohh, thank you.

Chandler: Buy it for ya, or win it for ya?

Rachel: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back.

Phoebe: And this time, they’ve ganged up to form one giant, super hat.

[Scene: At the Beach, it’s raining cats and dogs as the gang arrives. Chandler and Monica are taking shelter under Rachel’s hat.]

Ross: Go, go, go!

Rachel: Oh yeah, now everybody wants to be under this hat!

(They get inside and notice on small problem.)

Phoebe: Oy!!

Monica: What’s with all this sand? (picking a handful of sand off of the floor, which is covered in sand)

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, Bob said there might be flood damage.

Ross: Yeah, either that, or he has a really big cat.

[Scene: Phoebe Sr. house, she is a real estate agent and is trying to sell a house over the phone. By the way, it’s still raining outside.]

Phoebe Sr: Well, yes, it’s kind’ve an unusual house. It has umm, three beautiful bedrooms and ah, no baths. But y’know, the ocean is right there.

Phoebe: (at the door) Knock, knock, knock.

Phoebe Sr: (on phone) Ah, oh, hang on a second. (to Phoebe) Come in, come in. (on phone) All right, so think about it, and call me back. (hangs up)

Phoebe: (entering) Are you ah, Phoebe Abott?

Phoebe Sr: Ahh, yes.

Phoebe: Hi Phoebe Abott, I’m your best friends daughter!

Phoebe Sr: You’re Erwin’s daughter?!

Phoebe: No, I-I mean your-your old best friend, here. (hands her the picture) Lily, from high school. Remember?

Phoebe Sr: Oh gosh, Lily, yes. Of course I remember Lily. I… Then you must be?

Phoebe: (points to herself) Phoebe. (points to her) Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah. She named me after you I guess.

Phoebe Sr: Uh-huh. Wow! Well, look! There’s Frank. (points to the picture.)

Phoebe: Yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!! That’s my Dad, that’s Frank! Yeah! I’m sorry I’m getting all flingy.

Phoebe Sr: Take it easy–if you want, there’s cookies on the counter, or, or–sangria! (jumps up) I can make sangria!

Phoebe: No-no, sorry. Cookies are good, thanks.

Phoebe Sr: Oh.

Phoebe: (goes and gets some cookies) Well, so, umm, anyway umm, I’ve been, I’ve been looking for my Father, and umm, have you heard from him, or seen him?

Phoebe Sr: Oh no, I-I’m sorry, I guess we lost track of everybody after high school.

Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh, okay. Well, so tell me everything about my parents. Everything.

Phoebe Sr: Ohh, well. Y’know we were always together, in fact the had a nickname for the three of us.

Phoebe: Oh, what? What was it?

Phoebe Sr: The three losers. Oh, poor Lily. (Phoebe notices a picture on the fridge, takes it, and puts it in her pocket.) Ohh, y’know I-I heard about what happened, that must have been just terrible for you, losing your mother that way.

Phoebe: (happily) Yeah, no, it was great.

[Scene: The beach house, it’s still raining. Chandler is building a sand castle, Rachel is doing Monica’s nails, and they’re all drinking margaritas, obviously bored.]

Joey: (getting an idea) Hey, y’know what a really good rainy day game is?

Monica: What?!

Joey: I mean naked game. Strip poker, we should totally play strip poker.

All: No, no!

Monica: What are you crazy?!

Joey: Come on! When you go away, you-you have to play, it’s like a law!

Rachel: (to Monica) Allll done!

Monica: Aww, thank you.

Rachel: Okay, who’s next?! (She looks around the room, and stops when she comes to Ross.)

Ross: No-o-o! (Rachel gives him a “Please?” look.) No way!

Rachel: Come on, please?! I’m boredddd! You let me do it once before.

(Ross shoots Joey a look, who shoots Chandler a look, who gives Joey an “Oh my God.” look back.)

Ross: Yeah well, if ah, if that’s the rule this weekend… (She gets up) No!

Rachel: Yes! (she starts creeping up on him)

Ross: Get away!

Rachel: Just once!

Ross: Stay away!

Rachel: Take it like a man, Ross!

Ross: (he gets up and starts to run away from her) No! (in his escape attempt he crushes Chandler’s sand castle) No!

Rachel: Oh, come on!

Chandler: Big bullies!!

(Ross dives over the couch, Rachel goes the other way, and lands up top of him.)

Ross: Ow! Ow! Oh, no-no-no!

(They get into a wrestling match, that ends with Ross making Rachel paint her forehead with the nail polish. They both end up lying next to each other, stop, and look at each other for a moment.)

Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh, so, how are we doing?

Chandler: Bored and bored!

Joey: Hey, you know what naked card game is never boring?

All: Noo!!

Monica: (to Phoebe) So what’s Phoebe like?

Phoebe: I’m kind, caring, and sweet. What’s Monica like?

Monica: Ah no, the other Phoebe, the one you went to go see.

Phoebe: Ohh, I think she knows where my Dad is.

Joey: What?

Rachel: Really?!

Monica: Oh well, where is he?!

Phoebe: She was acting, she was pretending like she hasn’t heard from him on years, but I found this picture on her fridge, and look (shows Monica)! Isn’t this what he would look like now?

Monica: (gasps) Totally familiar. (Phoebe shows the rest of them.)

Rachel: Oh, yeah.

The Guys: Yeah!

Monica: Well, why would she lie to you?

Phoebe: I don’t know, but we’re having dinner tomorrow night, so I figured, she’s gonna tell me then. Y’know maybe she just wanted to give him time to, buy me presents, I don’t know! So, you’re all bored?

All: Ohh!!

Chandler: Yes!

Phoebe: All right, I’m gonna close my eyes and point to someone, and you, whoever I point has to come up with something fun for us to do, and we have to do it.

Joey: Okay, all right.

Phoebe: Okay.

Joey: Fan out! Fan out!

(They do so, and Phoebe gets in the middle, closes her eyes, and starts spinning in a circle.)

Phoebe: Okay. (Starts to spin) Ooh, y’know we could just do this. (She stops at Chandler)

Chandler: Okay, umm, we all have to play strip poker.

Joey: (jumping in triumph) OH YES!!!!!

[cut to later]

Monica: Strip Happy Days Game?

Joey: Yeah, well, I couldn’t find any cards, so it was either this or Strip Bag Of Old Knitting Stuff.

(Monica rolls, and Ross goes first.)

Ross: Okay, (reading the card) Fonzy gives you two thumbs up, collect two cool points. Yeah.

Phoebe: Monica, if you get five cool points, you get to make somebody take off one item of clothing. It hasn’t happened yet, but we’re all very excited.

Ross: Okay, come on! (blows on the dice) Daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics Department! (They all look at him, and he shuts up and rolls the dice.) (he moves his piece) Okay. (reading a card) Take Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point, collect three cool points!! Yeah! Which gives me five, and let’s see who is gonna lose their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pick our strip poker sponsor Mr. Joey Tribianni.

The Girls: Woo-hooooo!!!!

Joey: All right, relax. It’s just a shoe.

All: Wooooo!!!!

[cut to later in the game]

Rachel: (reading a card) Okay, your band is playing at Arnold’s, collect three cool points. Which means, I have five, and that means I get Joey’s boxers!

Joey: Fine. Gang up on me! I got you all right where I want you.

Phoebe: Come on, take ‘em off!!

Joey: Actually, y’know it’s kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a peek at the good stuff?

Rachel: (getting up) All right, I’m gonna make more margaritas! (She pours the rest of the pitcher into Ross’s glass.)

Ross: Whoa, hey! What are doing? Trying to get me drunk?

Rachel: I’m just making margaritas.

Ross: Okay.

Monica: I think I’ll help her out. (She gets up to go over and help Rachel, and reveals she has no pants.) (to Rachel) What is going on here?

Rachel: What?!

Monica: You painting his toenails?

Rachel: Oh, come on!

Monica: Chasing him all around the room?

Rachel: Monica, please?

Monica: He’s totally flirting with you too.

Rachel: (pause) He is, isn’t he? I don’t know, I don’t know, I mean maybe it’s just being here at the beach together or, I don’t know. But it’s like something… (she’s interrupted by the sound of Bonnie entering)

Bonnie: Hey!

Ross: Hey! (Rachel is shocked) Hi Bonnie!

Bonnie: Hi! My boss let me off early, so I took the train.

Ross: Oh.

Bonnie: What are you guys doing?!

Joey: We’re playing Strip Happy Days Game!

Bonnie: Cool! I’ll catch up! (She takes off her sweater.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen eating breakfast.]

Chandler: So, you still don’t think I’m boyfriend material?

Monica: Huh?

Chandler: I saw you checking me out during the game last night.

Monica: You didn’t even take off your pants.

Chandler: Yeah, well, lucky for you.

Monica: What?

Chandler: I don’t know.

Rachel: (entering) Well! Is everybody else having just the best time?!

Phoebe: Shhh! Shhhh! Joey’s asleep.

(Joey is sleeping on the floor and is buried in sand that has been carved into a mermaid complete with breasts.)

Phoebe: After he passed out, we put the sand around him to keep him warm.

Rachel: Well I assume the ah, happy couple isn’t up yet. Did you guys hear them last night?

Chandler: Oh, yeah, I don’t know what they were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually came up to the house.

(Ross and Bonnie enter)

Ross: Good morning.

All: Hey.

Bonnie: Hey! How did everybody sleep?

Rachel: Oh, great.

Monica: Like a log.

Ross and Bonnie: Us too.

Rachel: I’m going for a walk.

(Joey finally wakes up.)

Ross: (to Joey) Good morning. Nice breasts by the way.

(Joey looks down and his look turns from shock to satisfaction.)

[Scene: The porch, Bonnie is coming back from swimming, Rachel is reading.]

Bonnie: Hey, what happened to you?

Rachel: Oh, ah nothin’. I just felt like hangin’ out here and reading.

Bonnie: Oh, the water was sooo great! We jumped off this pier and my suit came off.

Rachel: Ohhhh, sorry I missed that.

Bonnie: Yeah, Joey and Chandler sure are funny.

Rachel: Ohh-ha-ha!

Bonnie: I think I brought back half of the beach in my hair. It was so much easier when I used to shave my head.

Rachel: Y’know, I gotta tell ya, I just loved your look when you were bald.

Bonnie: Really?!

Rachel: Ohh!

Bonnie: Because I think about shaving it all off again sometime.

Rachel: Really?!

Bonnie: Yeah!

Rachel: I mean you definitely should do that.

Bonnie: Y’know what, I should do it.

Rachel: Yeah!

Bonnie: Yeah, thank you Rachel, you are soo cool.

Rachel: Awww, stop. Come on. Now go shave that head!

Bonnie: All right.

(As Bonnie goes to do just that, Rachel smiles to herself, proud of what she’s done.)

[Scene: The beach house, at night. Phoebe is hangs up the phone, and gently pushes one of the stools over.]

Joey: What’s the matter, Pheebs?

Phoebe: She cancelled! My namesake cancelled on me!

Joey: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, she clamed she had to go out of town suddenly. She’s avoiding me, she doesn’t want to tell me where my Father is. She knows, and she won’t tell me.

Rachel: Aww Pheebs, that sucks!

Phoebe: Yeah, well, don’t “Aww Pheebs, that sucks!” me yet. (she starts to leave)

Chandler: Where ya going?

Phoebe: Well, she’s out of town so, there’s gotta be something in her house that tells me where my Father is.

Ross: Uh, Pheebs, some people call that breaking and entering.

Phoebe: Well, are any of those people here?!

All: Oh, no!! No, no!

Phoebe: Okay, look I-I-I do something nice, okay? I’ll-I’ll fill her ice trays.

(She exits just as Bonnie comes down the stairs, as bald as Michael Jordan.)

Bonnie: Hey, everybody!

All: Wow!! (they all recoil in shock and horror)

Ross: Wh-haa-haa! Look what ‘cha did! (Rachel has her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.)

Bonnie: You wanna touch it?

Ross: Nooo, but it, but it’s great.

Bonnie: Come on, touch it!

Ross: Okay. (He gently touches it.) You can feel all the bones in your skull.

[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is coming out to talk to Rachel.]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: I was having a little chat with ah, Bonnie, and ah, guess what, she-she happened to bring up y’know, who was behind the um, whole head shaving idea, and now, who was it? Oh, that’s right, that’s right, it was you!

Rachel: That was her idea, I just gave her a nudge.

Ross: She said you gave her the razor!

Bonnie: (joining them) Hey guys.

Rachel: Hey!

Bonnie: So, anyone up for a midnight dip in the ocean?

Ross: Ahh, no, I’m good.

Bonnie: Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.

Ross: Okay, have fun! Wooo!!

Rachel: Come on see, she doesn’t look that bad.

Ross: You can see the moonlight bouncing off her head! What the hell were you thinking?!!

Rachel: I don’t know.

Ross: You don’t know?! Rach, you balded my girlfriend!

Rachel: All right! Ross, do you think it’s easy for me to see you with somebody else?

Ross: Y’know, hey! You’re the one who ended it, remember?

Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you!

Ross: You still love me?

Rachel: Noo.

Ross: You still love me.

Rachel: Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love me!

Ross: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together?

Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don’t know. Ross, I still can’t forgive you for what you did, I can’t, I just, but sometimes when I’m with you I just, I feel so…

Ross: What?!

Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just…

Ross: What?

Rachel: I feel…

(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss, only to be interrupted by Joey and Chandler coming outside.)

Chandler: (to Joey) Noo!! I don’t care! I’m not, I’m not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!

(Rachel and Ross both stop kissing, and quickly step back from each other.)

Joey: But I made cards!!

Rachel: Well! Good night. (to Ross) I’m going upstairs.

Joey and Chandler: G’night.

(Rachel walks inside, stops, and turns back to look at Ross for a moment then goes upstairs.)

Joey: (to Ross) Wanna play strip poker for practice?

[Scene: Phoebe Sr.’s house, Phoebe is breaking in through a window.]

(She throws her bag inside, and starts to climb through the window. She gets halfway in and the window slams shut on her butt.)

Phoebe: Ow! My ass. Okay. Okay. (She manages to climb completely inside and the window slams shut.) Oh, shhh!

(She starts walking across the darkened room and hits her head on a wind chime hanging from the ceiling, to stop it from making a noise she grabs it and “Shhh’s” it. She goes into the kitchen and finds Phoebe Sr.’s appointment book, to read it she opens the freezer. Just as she starts to read, Phoebe Sr. jumps out from her bedroom with a coat hanger, startling Phoebe.)

Phoebe: No! No!! It’s me! It’s me! I-I didn’t want to make any noise!

Phoebe Sr: Then don’t break in!!

Phoebe: I’m sorry.

Phoebe Sr: What are you doing here?!

Phoebe: I-I, came to fill your ice cube trays.

Phoebe Sr: What?!

Phoebe: Umm, okay, okay, look. I took this picture from your fridge. Okay, because I know that this is my Father. Yeah, this is Frank Buffay and you are standing right there next to him. Now, look I deserve to know where I came from. All right? So if you can help me find my Father then you should! Otherwise, you’re just mean! (pause) So, just tell me the truth!

Phoebe Sr: All right, the man in the picture is Chuck Magioni.

Phoebe: My Father is Chuck Magioni?

Phoebe Sr: No, no, that’s just Chuck Magioni, I-I sold him a house last year! And I’m very sorry, but I don’t know where your Father is, and that’s the truth.

Phoebe: Oh.

Phoebe Sr: But umm, you’re right. I think that a person should know where they come from. Wh-which is why I ah, (pause) ahh, (pause) okay. I’m your mother.

Phoebe: Heh?

Phoebe Sr: Y’know I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I just, I kinda felt all floopy, and…

(At that Phoebe’s eyes open in shock.)

[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler what happened with Rachel.]

Joey: I’m telling ya, you guys are totally getting back together!

Ross: That’s not true! Her, she doesn’t even know what she wants! Rachel’s still mad about the whole thing.

Chandler: Okay, then you gotta back away, all right? You don’t need that kind’ve hurt. Take it from a guy who’s never had a long term relationship……

Ross: I know, but ahhhhhh!! I really wanna go up there and finish that kiss!

Bonnie: (coming back from her swim) Hey!

Chandler: Ahhhh! (Steps away from her.)

Bonnie: You guys, the water’s great. You should really go in.

Chandler: Oh, ahh, no thanks, I just had an M&M.

Bonnie: Okay, well g’night.

Ross: Good night.

Bonnie: (kisses Ross) Don’t be too long.

Ross: Okey-dokey!

Chandler: There is not one hair on that head.

Ross: Hey, it’ll grow back, right? And she-she’s really fun, and she’s cool, and-and I’m finally moving on. Y’know? I mean getting over Rachel was so (makes an incoherent nasal sound), y’know? Y’know, and I’m finally feeling sane again. And now if I go up there, and-and I kiss her, and, Gooood I wanna kiss her, and-and-and it doesn’t work out, right? Do I really wanna put myself through that again?

Joey: So let me get this straight. If you go with Bonnie tonight, you’re doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on.

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Right, and you go with Rachel, Bonnie’s free tonight?

[Scene: The hallway between the bedrooms. Ross is coming upstairs and stops between two doors. He looks at the one on the right, then he looks at the one on his left, thinks about it, and goes in the one on his right.]

Ross: (entering the bedroom) Hi. (closes the door)

Closing Credits

[Scene: The beach house, Chandler is simulating he’s coming to pick up Monica for a date. Chandler knocks on the door, and Monica answers it.]

Chandler: (in a fake voice) Hi there.

Monica: That’s that weird voice again.

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Let me try it again, you’re gonna wanna date this next guy, I swear!

(Monica closes the door, Chandler knocks, and Monica opens it to reveal Chandler on his knees.)

Chandler: Hi! I’m Dorf! You’re date for the evening. (Monica walks away in disgust) Oh come on! Dorf on dating, that’s good stuff!!



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Story by: Mark J. Kunerth & Pang-ni Landrum
Teleplay by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang minus Monica is there.]

Chandler: Do you think that there’s a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as you’re driving into town there’s-there’s like a sign, and it says “You’re in Sample.” (He says it like urine sample.)

Monica: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey!

Rachel: How’d it go with Pete?!

Joey: Tell us!

Monica: You’re not gonna believe this. Okay, so I go over…

[Two guys walk over and interrupt her. They’re both names you’ve already heard. One’s Billy Crystal. Yes, that Billy Crystal from City Slickers. The other one is Robin Williams. Yes, that Robin Williams from Mrs. Doubtfire.]

Billy Crystal: I’m sorry. Ex-excuse us. I’m sorry, it’s a little crowded. Do you mind if we… (motions to the couch)

Robin Williams: Yeah, could you scooch?

Billy: Yeah, move over just a little bit.

(Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey all scooch over to let them sit down.)

Robin: Keep on scooching.

[cut to Monica telling the gang about what happened at Pete’s]

Monica: So guys, listen, I go over there, and umm…

(Robin interrupts her again by complaining loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.)

Robin: Why? Why?! What’s wrong with me?!

Billy: What’s the matter?

Robin: I have a feelin’… I, my wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist.

(The gang is now eaves dropping in on the conversation, and is shocked.)

Billy: How do you know?

Robin: Well y’know, he’s got access.

Billy: Yeah.

Robin: Y’know it’s that feeling you get, y’know?

Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know you’re in somebody else’s shoes?

Robin: That’s the one.

[cut back to the gang.]

Phoebe: All right, so, so you went to Pete’s…

Ross: What happened?

Monica: (Robin is speaking loudly again) I…

[cut to Billy and Robin]

Robin: Why is this happening to me?! I don’t know, maybe it’s my wound.

[cut to the gang]

Monica: Forget it. (they all turn and listen to Billy and Robin)

Billy: So it’s-it’s not heeled yet?

Robin: No-no, it’s ooozing, oozing. (to Rachel) Could you pass me the cream? Is there any—Oh, there’s the cream.

Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and nobody else.

Robin: What is it, Tim?

Billy: It’s me, I’ve been sleeping with your wife.

Joey: (to Billy) So you’re the gynaecologist?

Billy: (to Joey) Hey, I’m trying to have a private conversation! Is that okay?!

Robin: (starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I have a napkin, please? Could you please hand me a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow for his tastes.) Would you–Give me this thing (grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!! Enough! (to Billy) And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! (gets up to leave) Nada!! No more! You are a bastard for doing this!! (Billy follows him) Get away from me!!

Billy: Thomas, come back here! (they both leave)

[cut to the gang, they’re all stunned]

Phoebe: So Monica, what were you gonna tell us?

Monica: (pause) I have no idea.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?

Phoebe: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don’t take his name.

Monica: He didn’t ask me to marry him.

All: Ohh.

Phoebe: Well then definately don’t take his name.

Monica: He wanted to tell me he’s gonna compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy.

The Guys: Pete?!

Rachel: Why?! What is it?

Monica: I don’t know exactly. It’s-it’s sorta like wrestling.

Phoebe: (intrigued) Oh?!

Monica: Yeah, but without the costumes.

Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh.

Joey: And it’s not fake, it’s totally brutal.

Chandler: Yeah, it’s two guys in a ring, and the rules are: “They’re are no rules.”

Monica: So you can like, bite, and pull people’s hair and stuff?

Ross: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking.

Monica: What’s fish hooking?

Ross: Huh, what’s fish hooking… (Joey sticks his finger in Ross’s mouth and pulls on his cheek, y’know like when you hook a fish.) (to Joey, sarcastic) Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste?

Joey: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath.

[Scene: Chandler’s office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss.]

Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. It’s good to have you guys on my team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, let’s go out there and get ‘em! Huh? And remember, there is no ‘I’ in team.

Chandler: Yes, but there’s two in martini, soo everybody back to my office.

Doug: (to Chandler) You! Chuckles! What’s your name?

Chandler: Oh it’s Bing, sir. I’m sorry , I was just ah…

Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is about hard work, but it’s also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross is making reservations.]

Ross: (on phone) That’s right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder for six. (listens) Thank you. (hangs up) (to the gang) Yeah, we have the reservations.

Rachel: Yes!!

Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! (smacks him on the butt)

Ross: (stunned) Dude, what are you doing?

Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.

Phoebe: Yeesh, what’d you do about it?

Chandler: Well, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.

Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it’s okay to be that guy.

Joey: Yeah, maybe it’s like y’know, that jock thing. Y’know how football players pat each other after touchdowns. (pats Ross on the butt)

(Ross throws his hands out in a “What are you doing?” gesture)

Rachel: Y’know I don’t, I don’t understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y’know, grabbin’ her boob.

Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y’know, stick your head in between ‘em.

Monica: Okay, can we please go eat?

Joey: Yeah. What are we getting?

Monica: (to Chandler) Anything but stew.

Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don’t give your boss a chance to get you. Y’know just ah, don’t turn your back to him.

Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y’know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. (thinking aloud) Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?

Chandler: (to Ross and Monica) What if Joey were president?

(Monica, Ross, Chandler, and Joey exit.)

Phoebe: Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you something?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a date?

Rachel: Oh, ah with who?

Phoebe: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two aren’t together, she asked if I could set it up, but if you’re not cool with it…

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again?

Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She’s yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald…

Rachel: Oh! (laughs) That’s fine.

Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt)

[Scene: A Gym, Pete is training for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, with his trainer, Hoshi.]

Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half?

Pete: I told you, we’re adding new operators all the time. Could we concentrate on my training?

Hoshi: It’s just hard when I know I have e-mail I can’t get!

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Pete: Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi honey.

Hoshi: All right, on the table. (Pete gets on the table for his rubdown)

Monica: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don’t want you to get hurt, ‘cause I kinda like you.

Pete: Oh, believe me, I don’t want to get hurt either. I’m being smart about this. See these guys? They’re the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be a house painter.

Monica: Promise me you’ll be careful.

Pete: I promise.

Monica: Hey, are we still on for tonight?

Pete: Yeah.

Monica: Okay, good, ‘cause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout of our own…

Hoshi: No! No boom-boom before big fight!

Monica: How ‘bout just a boom?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with Bonnie, as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies?

Phoebe: Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. (who has hair by the way)

Bonnie: Hi!

Rachel: This is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie? (to Bonnie) You’re Bonnie?

Bonnie: I can show you an ID if you want?

Rachel: Oh no, I’m sorry, you look a lot different from the last time I-I saw you.

Bonnie: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again.

Rachel: Oh, that must be it.

Phoebe: (to Bonnie) Well I hope you have fun tonight.

Bonnie: Thanks! You too.

(Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly follows, shocked about how good Bonnie looks now.)

[cut to outside of Central Perk]

Rachel: (to Phoebe) You said she was bald.

Phoebe: Yeah, she was bald, she’s not now.

Rachel: How could you not tell me that she has hair?

Phoebe: I don’t know, I hardly ever say that about people.

Rachel: (looks in the window) Ohh, well, this is just perfect!

Phoebe: Well I’m sorry, I thought you said it was okay.

Rachel: Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean, y’know, that girl has hair got all over head!

Phoebe: Well, maybe it won’t work out. Maybe Ross won’t like her personality.

Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality?

Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnie’s the best!

[Scene: Chandler’s office, Chandler is bent over getting some water as his boss approaches.]

Doug: Bing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and turns around to face him.) Read your Computech proposal, a real homerun. (He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler slides over making him miss.) Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. (Chandler goes over) Wham! (slaps him on the butt) Good one. That was a good one. (to a couple of Chandler’s co-workers) Keep at it team. (goes into his office)

Chandler: (to his co-workers) What is with him?

Phil: With him? You’re is favourite, you’re his guy!

Stevens: We never get smacked.

Chandler: Well, that’s not true, he-he smacked you once.

Phil: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me.

Stevens: I’m telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting Dartmouth in the fall.

Doug: (coming out of his office) Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks. Did you go to Dartmouth Bing?

Chandler: No sir.

Doug: There you go. (smacks him on the butt)

[Scene: The Ultimate Fighting Championship, Ross and Monica are there watching Pete.]

Ross: (walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey!

Monica: God Ross, what is that?

Ross: Yeah, it’s the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents, plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!!

Announcer: From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut! He’s known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!!

[Pete enters with his entourage all pumped up, and Ross and Monica are the only ones who stand up and cheer.]

Monica: I love you, Pete!!!

Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! He’s a 300 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!!

(The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one boo-ing him.)

Monica: (going up to the ring) Pete! Pete!! That guy’s pretty huge!

Pete: Don’t worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponent’s strength and weight against him.

Ross: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble.

(Pete and Monica kiss, and Monica mouths “I love you.” to him.)

Ross: All right! You go get him! Let’s go!

Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to Tank Abbott) Are you ready? (He nods, and takes out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods, “Yes.”) Let’s get it on!!

(They both rush each other. Tank picks Pete up and carries him over and slams him into the fence surrounding the ring.)

Pete: Uh-oh.

(Tank carries Pete over to the other side of the ring, and we see both Ross and Monica wince in pain.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Arena, after the fight. Monica is walking up to a defeated Pete.]

Monica: Hey! (she sits down next to him) It’s me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of you.

Pete: It would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant “You suck!”

Monica: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now you can just look back at this thing with no regrets.

Pete: What, look back?

Monica: Well, you’re not gonna get going are you?

Pete: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?

Monica: Well, no. But…

Pete: Well I’m not gonna stop until I’m the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Monica: That guy stood on your neck until you passed out!

Pete: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dad’s garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.

Monica: You didn’t know that already?

Pete: Look, I’m gonna get better. Okay? I promise you.

Monica: Okay, just get a lot better. (pause) Fast.

Pete: Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you being ringside may have affected my concentration.

Monica: Yeah. That-that was the problem.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s balcony, Ross and Phoebe are grilling some burgers and hot dogs.]

Monica: (joining them) Hey.

Ross: Hey! How long until Pete’s fight?

Monica: Oh, about five minutes. Right now they’re interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.

Ross: Hot dog?

Monica: Four, please. (Ross looks at her) I’m really nervous. (Ross gives her the four dogs) Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back inside)

Phoebe: So Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie?

Ross: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn’t expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually wasn’t expecting to like anyone right now, but she’s really terrific.

Phoebe: Ohh, that’s too bad!

Ross: No, I-I’m saying I liked her.

Phoebe: Yeah, y’know what, there are other fish in the sea.

Ross: Pheebs, I think she’s great. Okay? We’re going out again.

Phoebe: Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about any thing else?

Chandler: (joining them) Hey! Which one’s my turkey burger?

Ross: Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry.

Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Hey, the fight’s starting!

Ross: Okay, we’ll be right in. (to Chandler) So ah, did your boss try to slap you again today?

Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it’s gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I’m conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.

Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Fight’s over!

(Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all stop dead in their tracks at the news.)

[Scene: Chandler’s office, Chandler is confronting his boss about the butt smacking thing. His boss is writing on a white board.]

Chandler: Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey there sports fan!!

Doug: (turning around) Bing! You got those numbers for me?

Chandler: No, I ah, I didn’t do them.

Doug: Oh, you forgot?

Chandler: No, no I just ah, didn’t do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don’t deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise.

Doug: Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi Bridge never looked smaller. (laughs) That’s okay, you’re still my number one guy! (slaps him on the butt) Bing!

Chandler: Doug!!

Doug: Hmm.

Chandler: I’m a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself.

Doug: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just… kiss my ass!

Chandler: No, no. It-it’s not about the swearing, it’s more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock.

Doug: Oh?

Chandler: Oh, and don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It’s just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it’s making all the other guys jealous.

Doug: Well, say no more. Y’know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing! You’re okay.

Chandler: Okay. (he starts to leave)

Doug: Ha! (goes to smack him on the butt, but stops, faking Chandler out) Ahhhhhhh!

Chandler: Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating shooting himself in the head)

[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are talking and walking.]

Phoebe: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain?

Rachel: (seeing Ross and Bonnie inside Central Perk) Oh my God! Phoebe look, it’s Ross and that girl.

(We see Ross and Bonnie laughing and having a good time.)

Phoebe: No! No! Look at that! (drags her away from the window) It’s a line of ants! They’re working as a team!

Rachel: Phoebe! (goes back to the window)

Phoebe: (looking in the window) Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let’s go.

Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay that’s, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that’s what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh…

Phoebe: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive.

Rachel: Ohh! (walking away from the window) Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, he’s gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.

Phoebe: You said it was okay!

Rachel: You said she was bald!!

Phoebe: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!!

Rachel: Phoebe, we can’t, we just can’t just let it happen! Okay, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl!!

Phoebe: Okay, first of all, breathe. Second of all, I don’t get it. Aren’t you the one that decided that you didn’t want to be with Ross?

Rachel: (quietly) Yes.

Phoebe: Well isn’t he your friend? Don’t you want him to be happy?

Rachel: Yes.

Phoebe: So?

Rachel: I just y’know, I didn’t expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! (sits down on the curb)

Phoebe: (sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh no.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Oh, we killed them all.

Rachel: Oh!

(They both jump up and wipe off their butts.)

[Scene: A locker room, Pete is in a full upper-body cast. Monica enters, sees him, and gasps. Pete tries to turn around, and winces in pain.]

Pete: It’s okay, it’s not as bad as it looks, it’s a precaution. Ah, I’m not supposed to move my spine.

Monica: Please tell me you’re stopping now.

Pete: I’m fine! I’d fight tonight, if they’d let me. (stands up and starts swinging his arms) See this circle I’m marking off here? This is my zone of terror.

Monica: You are insane! You-you gotta give this up!

Pete: I can’t until I’m the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I’m telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, I’m not saying I could beat Superman, but y’know, kids are stupid.

Monica: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!!

Pete: Y’know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam’s Apple, but that really hurt.

Monica: Well then, y’know what? I care about you to much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then you’re gonna have to do it without me.

Pete: Well if you’re asking me to quit, then you’re asking me to be someone I’m not. I’ve got to do this.

Monica: Then I’ve gotta go. Bye. (kisses him and starts to walk out)

Pete: Mon-Monica?

Monica: Yes?

Pete: Could you leave a note? ‘Cause I’m on a lot of pain killers now, and I don’t know if I’ll remember this tomorrow. (She leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler’s office, he is just finishing up a meeting with his boss and the rest of his team.]

Doug: So, in conclusion, the lines all go up (points to the chart), so I’m happy. Great job team! Tomorrow at 8:30. (They start to leave) Phil! Nice job. (smacks him on the butt) Stevens! Way to go! (smacks him on the butt) Joel-burg, you maniac! I love ya! (smacks him on the butt) (Chandler walks up) Bing! Good job, couldn’t have done it without ya. (he shakes his hand)

Chandler: Thank you, sir.

Stevens: (coming back in) Oh, excuse me. I forgot my briefcase y’know, by accident.

Doug: Of course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! (smacks him on the butt) (to Chandler) Well, what about you? You’re not feeling left out or anything are ya?

Chandler: No. No, not at all, that’s-that’s ridiculous.

Doug: Everybody else got one, and you want one too. Don’t you?

Chandler: Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do!

Doug: Now get on out of here, you! (smacks him on the butt)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the gang is watching Pete fight on TV. Monica is hiding in the kitchen, not watching.]

TV Announcer: Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, he’s just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just…

Chandler: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak!

Rachel: Oh, I can’t watch this. (turns her eyes away)

Joey: Check it out, he’s winning! (to Monica) Pete’s winning!

Monica: Really?!

Joey: No-o-o!!

TV Announcer: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favourite area.

All: Oh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror)

Phoebe: Wait, if that’s his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it?

Ross: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn’t want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can’t.

All: Ohh!! (they all start pointing at the screen)


Read Full Post »

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler and Joey are playing with the duck and the chick.]

Joey: Hey, wouldn’t be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.

Chandler: Or… Dick.

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Chandler and Joey: Hey.

Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something.

Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better?

Ross: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body.

Joey: (with a disgusted look) What was it?

Ross: Well, I don’t know, it’s-it’s kinda in a place that’s not… It’s not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. (starts to take off his pants)

Chandler and Joey: Whoa!!!

Chandler: No!!

Ross: Come on you guys, it’s no big deal! (He turns around and shows him his thing.)

Chandler: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh.

Ross: Well what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to them, and they jump back.)

Joey: No, it’s too wrinkly to be a mole.

Ross: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple?

Chandler: No, it’s… fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don’t you just go see a…

Rachel: (entering, interrupting them) Hey guys! What’s… (sees what they’re doing and stops, the guys are stunned)

Chandler: Okay, well, it’s definite, two more weeks of winter.

Ross: Ahhh.

Joey: Yeah, right.

(Rachel backs out with a confused look on her face.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her date.]

Phoebe: (to her date) Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music. (points to the stage)

Vince: Good deal.

Phoebe: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people.

Rachel: Hi!

Chandler: Hey!

Vince: Hey!

Phoebe: Vince is a fireman.

Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before?

Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force.

Chandler: Well, y’know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred.

Vince: (dead serious) Fire safety is not a joke, son.

Chandler: You’re right, I know.

Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I’m on call tonight. (kisses her) See you Saturday. (leaves)

Phoebe: Okay. (watches him leave)

Rachel: Wow, he’s cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher.

Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we’re seeing each other tonight.

Rachel: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That’s so unlike you.

Phoebe: I know, I know! I’m like playing the field. Y’know? Like, juggling two guys, I’m sowing my wild oats. Y’know? Y’know, this kind’ve like y’know oat-sowin’, field-playin’ juggler.

Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other?

Phoebe: Does a dog’s lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an `I don’t know’ face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who’re also stumped) Okay, no they don’t.

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Hi!

(He goes over and sits down at the counter, all depressed.)

Joey: (going over to him) Well?!

Chandler: (joining them) Okay, how’d it go at the doctor’s?

Ross: Well, he said there’s definitely nothing to worry about, it’s totally benign.

Joey: Well what is it?!

Ross: He couldn’t even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin… abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it.

Chandler: Y’know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y’know? So I guess I’m lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples.

Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y’know, yours had a name.

Joey: Oh! Maybe they’ll name yours after you! Y’know, they’ll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, “Awww, he’s got a Ross.”

Ross: (sarcastic) Yeah, that’d be cool!

[cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom]

Monica: Pete’s breaking up with me.

All: What?!

Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk.

Rachel: And?

Monica: Well that’s it. People never say `We need to talk’ unless it’s something bad.

Joey: Whoa, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s breaking up with you.

Monica: Really?!

Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking with her second date, Jason.]

Jason: …and I know I’ll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it’s pretty cool knowing that you’re making a difference in a kid’s life.

Phoebe: That is so great! Oh, I… (sees that a parked car near them has caught on fire) Oh my God!

Jason: Whoa!

Phoebe: (the fire has worsened) Oh my God!!!

Jason: Ahh-ahh, we’d better call the fire department!

Phoebe: (stopping him) No! No!

Jason: No, no?

Phoebe: Well, we don’t n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we’d, we’d like a good mechanic. (hears the sound of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out of here!

Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?!

Phoebe: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? (she drags him away)

[Scene: A Doctor’s Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.]

Ross: Th-th-that’s all it is, a third nipple. Y’know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y’know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!

Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let’s see what we’re dealing with here. (Ross starts to take off his pants) What are you doing?

Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple.

Dr. Rhodes: Well that’s not a third nipple.

Ross: No?

Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it’s on your ass.

Ross: Well then, what is it?!

Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?

Dr. Johnson: I’m with Hamilton!

Dr. Rhodes: He’s good with rear things, bring him in too.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there.]

Monica: (starting to get up) I gotta go water Pete’s plants. (stops) Y’know what, if he’s gonna break up with me, maybe I won’t water his plants.

Chandler: Well, if he’s gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y’know what I mean.

Joey: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them.

Phoebe: (entering with Rachel) …and I-I can’t take it! Y’know? I’m just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It’s making me crazy.

Rachel: Well honey, then why don’t you break up with one of them?

Phoebe: (disgusted) Uh.

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?

Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn’t feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It’s like I’m working in the field.

Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them.

Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more?

Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y’know `cause, he’s like a guy, guy. Y’know? He’s so burly, he’s sooo very burly. (giggles)

Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.

Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason’s really sensitive.

Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy.

Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy!

Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.

[Scene: Dr. Rhodes’s Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a look at Ross’s thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted look on his face.]

Ross: Y’know I have dinner plans!!

Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve-I’ve-I’ve been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I’m stumped.

(He removes the blanket covering the thing.)

All: Whoa. (they all lean in to get a closer look, Ross isn’t pleased)

[Scene: Pete’s apartment, Monica is there to water the plants, and is showing the gang around.]

Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! (the lights turn on automatically, but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights! Lights go away! (they dim) Oh, see you just need to find the right command.

Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch.

Joey: Whoa! For a rich guy he’s got, that’s a pretty small TV.

Monica: No-no-no, that’s a video-phone. But hey guys you’re not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything.

Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable.

Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) This place is amazing.

Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen.

Monica: I know.

Phoebe: No! But it’s the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day.

Joey: Look at this! A millionaire’s checkbook.

Monica: Joey, put that down! (the phone rings) Oh my God! It’s Pete. Okay, get out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front of it, and automatically answers it)

Pete: Monica? (the gang ducks and hides)

Monica: I guess that’s how.

Pete: Hey Monica, how’s it going.

Monica: Oh it’s umm, good! It’s umm, it’s good, just here watering the plants.

Pete: Well don’t forget that fiches over there by Rachel.

Rachel: (standing up) Ahh… Chandler’s on the couch!!

Pete: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever.

All: (standing up) Hey Pete.

Joey: Hi, how ya doing?

Monica: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good news or bad news.

Pete: Oh, it’s good news. No, it’s definitely good news. Hold on a second, I have another call. (clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how’s it going?

Monica: Oh no-no-no, it’s still me.

Pete: Ah, no it’s not. I’ve got picture-in-picture here. (to other caller) Yeah. (listens) Yeah, okay. I’m gonna have to call you back later. (pause) Monica? You. I’m gonna have to call you back.

Monica: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I’ll see you soon.

Pete: Okay, I love you.

Monica: I love you.

All: I love you, love you.

Monica: Okay. Well, it’s good news. It’s good news.

Chandler: So, what do you thing the good news is?

Joey: (looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is?


Monica: Oh my.

Rachel: Monica’s gonna marry a millionaire!!!

Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom!

(Pete’s computer automatically calls Mom, Pete’s Mom.)

Pete’s Mom: Hello.

Monica: And that’s Pete’s Mom.

(The gang quickly hides again.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the gang is returning from Pete’s.]

Rachel: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, “Look how much money we’ve got!” Y’know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it’ll be dry, but people will like it.

Monica: Would you stop? We’ve only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don’t even know if he’s gonna propose.

Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He’s not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that’s like a third or fourth date kinda thing.

Monica: Well if-if that’s what it is, then it’s-it’s crazy.

Ross: Monica’s right. We’re talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can’t just rush into this.

Rachel: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian!

(Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.)

Phoebe: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince.

Chandler: Oh, so you’re going with the teacher, huh?

Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y’know? But, it’s just Jason’s so sensitive, y’know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it’s just better than having just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt. (Her eyes glaze over thinking about the butt.) (pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck!

All: Good luck!


Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what it’d be like to catch the money bouquet.

[Scene: A Fire House, Phoebe has gone to break up with Vince.]

Phoebe: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here?

Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?!

Vince: Yo!! (slides down that pole that fire station’s have)

Phoebe: Wow! I didn’t know you guys actually used those.

Vince: So, what’s up?

Phoebe: Umm, wow. This-this isn’t gonna be easy. Umm, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

Vince: Uh-huh. G-good deal.

Phoebe: I’m sorry.

Vince: No-no it’s okay. It’s just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And y’know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and… (starts choking up) That there’s so much in me I have to share with you yet.

Phoebe: Oh my God, I didn’t…

Vince: (starting to cry) I’m sorry, I can’t talk. I’m gonna go write in my journal. (walks away)

Phoebe: (running after him) Wait-wait-wait! Wait!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]

Phoebe: (to Ross) I’m telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy.

Ross: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don’t want to make it savory.

Monica: Y’know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they tell their friends about it.

Ross: Gimme this. (Grabs the herbalist’s card and leaves.)

Rachel: (entering) Hi! Okay, don’t be mad at me, but I couldn’t resist.

Monica: Brides magazines?

Rachel: Yes, and I know that you’d say no if he asked you, but I’m sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. (shows her the picture.)

Phoebe: (gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. (They both look at her.) Like for clubbing.

Monica: It is so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. (Rachel slams the magazine shut in amazement.) I know it’s a little sudden, and it’s a little rushed, and it’s totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn’t mean I can’t. Right? I mean I’m-I’m crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy.

Rachel: Oh my God. (starting to cry)

Monica: I know. (pause) I need more pie. (goes and gets some)

Phoebe: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?

Rachel: You didn’t break up with that fireman?

Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he’s incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.

Rachel: Wow!

Phoebe: Yeah, well he’d prefer water colors, but y’know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

Monica: So then, are you going to dump Jason?

Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and… Okay so Jason is sensitive, (holds up one finger) but now so’s Vince (holds up one finger on her other hand) Plus, Vince has the body y’know? (holds up two more fingers on the Vince side) So… It’s really just about the math.

[Scene: Jason’s apartment, Phoebe has gone to break up with Jason.]

Phoebe: (knocks on the door) Jason?

Jason: Yeah, come on in.

(She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It turns out that he has a great body too, and is at a loss for words.)

Jason: So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong?

Phoebe: Nah-ha!

[Scene: Phoebe’s Herbal Guy’s office, Ross is there about his thing. Ross is looking around the exam room, and he goes over to a large bank of drawers, pulls one out and almost spills it as the herbalist, Guru Saj, enters.]

Guru Saj: You must be Ross.

Ross: Hi.

Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces)

Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I’ve-I’ve never been to a guru before, so…

Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I’ve attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let’s take a look at this skin abnormality of yours. (motions to the table) Come on, have a seat. (looks at it) Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it’s a koondis!

Ross: What’s a koondis?

Guru Saj: I don’t know, what’s a koondis with you? (starts laughing as if that joke was funny, Ross only looks at him, and he stops) Please, lie down! I’ve got a sav that oughta shrink that right up.

Ross: I guess it’s worth a try.

Guru Saj: Oh sure, we should see results—Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!! (quickly wipes it off)

Ross: What?! What?!

Guru Saj: We appear to have angered it.

Ross: We?! We angered it?!

Guru Saj: Oh, I think I see the problem. And I’m afraid we’re gonna have to use a much stronger tool. (Ross gives him a ‘What?’ look) Love.

Ross: Oh God!

Guru Saj: (He starts moving his hands around in circles above the thing.) Ross, there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to…

Ross: Ow!!

Guru Saj: Oops.

Ross: What was, what was that?

Guru Saj: Well it’s gone.

Ross: What?! How’s that?

Guru Saj: It got caught on my watch.

Ross: Hey! (congratulates him)

[Scene: Pete’s apartment, Pete and Monica are coming back from a date.]

Pete: Lights. (The lights turn on, once again they’re too bright.) Uh, romantic lights. (The lights dim.)

Monica: Ooh, nice.

Pete: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.

Monica: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that.

Pete: Well ah, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life…

Monica: Yeah?

Pete: And I feel like I’ve conquered the business world, and I feel like I’ve conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world.

Monica: Wow.

Pete: There’s one thing missing.

Monica: What’s that?

Pete: It’s time for me to conquer the physical world.

Monica: Okay. (not sure of herself)

Pete: Monica, I want to become (pause) the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Monica: You wanna what?!

Pete: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It’s the most intense physical competition in the world, it’s banned in 49 states!

Monica: What are you talking about?

Pete: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian street fighting, I’ve even had my own octagon training ring designed.

Monica: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that.

Pete: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think?

Monica: My parents will be so happy.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe’s singing, Vince is also there.]

Phoebe: (singing) “Crazy underwear, creepin’ up my butt. (Jason enters) Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under-(sees Jason)-wear…” (In her head) Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You’ll get through this; you’ll be fine. (She tries to continue the song, but she has lost the ability to pronounce words, and the lyrics come out as gibberish.) (giving up on the song) Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show.

(They all applaud her.)

Jason: (going up to her) Hey. I was…

Phoebe: Hey!

Jason: I was passin’ by and I saw that you were playing tonight, it’s kinda cool seeing you up there. (kisses her)

Vince: (running over) Whoa! Hey-hey! What’s going on here? Who is this guy?

Phoebe: I don’t know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince!

Vince: What?!

Jason: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, I’ve-I’ve been dating both of you, and it’s been really horrible. ‘Cause y’know it’s been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn’t know how to chose, so… I’m sorry, I’m just, I’m terrible, I’m a terrible person. I’m terrible.

Vince: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it’s okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive.

Jason: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break.

Phoebe: Really?!

Jason: Yeah. I mean y’know, we haven’t been going out that long. Come on, we haven’t even slept together yet. Huh.

Vince: You haven’t?

Jason: You have?

Phoebe: Well, this is none of my business. (starts to walk away)

Jason: (to Phoebe) I-I can’t believe this! You-you’ve slept with him?!

Phoebe: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park.

Jason: Y’know Phoebe, I’m gonna make this real easy for you. (walks out)

Phoebe: (to Vince) Well, that could’ve been really awkward.

Vince: You made him a candle light dinner in the park?

Phoebe: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I’m gonna do that for you.

Vince: Uh yeah, I can’t believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. (walks out)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Guru Saj’s office: Joey and Chandler have taken the duck to see the guru.]

Chandler: (comforting the duck) Everything’s gonna be all right. Okay, Dick?

Guru Saj: (entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj-(sees the duck)-Whoa!! (to Joey) That’s supposed to be a duck right? ‘Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league.

Joey: Yeah, yeah. He’s got a, he’s got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can’t do anything about it. Is there something you can do?

Guru Saj: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?

(The duck starts to frantically flap his wings, while Joey is holding him, in an attempt to get away.)


Read Full Post »

Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back like two hours ago.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he’s at Flimby’s.

Rachel: What’s Flimby’s?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that’s the word I use when I can’t remember the real thing.

Rachel: Okay. Hang up! That’s it! Come on!

Phoebe: No! Rachel, that’s what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I don’t get through, they’re not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It’s us versus them!

Chandler: Ye-e-es!!

Joey: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey.

Joey: Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what?

Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had one.

Monica: I need two. I’m bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now!

Joey: Two it is. Ross, how about you?

Ross: Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two.

Monica: Really? Who’s number two?

Chandler: Who’s number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.

Ross: Uh, no, it’s-it’s just this person.

Phoebe: Like a date type (looks at Rachel) person?

Ross: Yeah, kinda. It’s this woman from work. I hope that won’t be too weird. Will it, Rach?

Rachel: No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone myself, so…

Joey: But you said one.

Rachel: I meant, me plus one!

Joey: Okay. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah, you guys mean you plus one?

Ross: All right, I’ll see you tonight.

Joey: Okay.

Rachel: Okay, bye-bye!

Chandler: Bye!

Monica: Bye-bye!

(Ross exits)

Rachel: Okay, I need a date! (runs to her bedroom)

Joey: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate!

All: Oh!

Joey: (to Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it.

Monica: Joey, what are you doing?! It’s never gonna happen, she’s seeing somebody.

Chandler: Yeah, and I don’t have any cologne.

Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream.

Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.

(In horror, Joey wipes his neck and smells it.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is getting ready to go to Joey’s premiere and Phoebe is still on hold.]

Monica: (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater)

Phoebe: Thanks!

Monica: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I’m setting the phone down. (does so) But I’m still here! Just don’t go anywhere I’m still here. (starts to put on the sweater) Don’t-don’t switch or anything, ‘cause I’m, I’m right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.) Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on, as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just…

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: What?! Monica, I’m scared!!

Monica: All right. Honey, that’s-that’s a sleeve. Okay?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: And! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.)

Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.

Monica: Okay, wait, you gotta hang up ‘cause we’re gonna be late.

(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but…)

Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.

Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! I’m the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.

Chandler: (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?

Monica: Of course not.

Phoebe: No.

Chandler: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.

[Scene: Joey’s Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who’s played by Ben Stiller who will be in There’s Something About Mary and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]

Ross: Hey, hey Rach!

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)

Ross: Good.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: So it’s looks like we’re the first ones here.

Rachel: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!!

Ross: Yay!!

(An awkward silence follows.)

Rachel: Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.

Tommy: Hey.

Ross: Hey. Oh, I’m sorry, this is Cailin.

(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing they’re arms to shake each other’s hand, and Ross says…)

Ross: And! Break!!

(Awkward laughter follows.)

Rachel: Okay, uhh, I think I’m going to run to the ladies room.

Tommy: Okay.

Cailin: I’ll join you.

Tommy: I’ll get our seats.

Ross: Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is awkward.

Tommy: Yeah?

Ross: Well y’know ‘cause Rachel and I used to go out.

Tommy: Oh, I didn’t, I didn’t know that.

Ross: Oh! Well then this is awkward. So what do you uh…

Tommy: I think we’re here.

Ross: Oh! Yeah.

Tommy: Yeah.

Ross: Okay. (sees two people sitting in their seats.) Uh, huh. Excuse me, I’m sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats.

Man: Umm, no, I don’t think so.

Tommy: Can-can we take a look at your ticket?

Man: Sure. (Hands him the ticket.)

Ross: (looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh…

Man: Oh, well I thought that ah…

Tommy: Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn’t really work out too well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?! Look you’re surrounded by even numbers!! Did that give you some clue?!

Man: Uh, the usher told us to come…

Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross, calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle?

Ross: No, I’m good. (He sits down, stunned.)

[Scene: The Theatre, at the post premiere party. The gang is already there, except Phoebe. Joey runs in.]

Chandler: (seeing Joey) There he is!

Monica: There’s our star!

Joey: So, so, what’d ya think?

Chandler: Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.

Joey: I-I wasn’t in that.

Chandler: I know.

Joey: (sees Kate) Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you to meet everybody. Everybody, this is Kate.

Monica: Hi!

The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)

Chandler: So that’s the girl you like.

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: (drags Chandler over to buffet table) I’m telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think he’s baaad news!

Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don’t like the guy Rachel’s dating? Well, that’s odd.

[cut to Joey, Rachel, and Tommy.]

Joey: Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is Kate’s understudy, Lauren.

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Lauren: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. Gosh, you look soo familiar.

Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day.

[cut to Monica, Pete, and Cailin]

Cailin: So. How’d you guys meet?

Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.

Monica: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version.

[cut to Joey as Estelle, Joey’s agent, approaches]

Estelle: Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous!

Joey: Hey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle.

Estelle: How do you do. (to Rachel and Monica) Ooh, you two girls were outstanding! (to Joey) Did they have representation?

Joey: No, they-they weren’t in the play.

Rachel: We’re not actors.

Estelle: Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face (points to Monica) and her chest (points to Rachel) I could really put something together.

Chandler: Could I borrow it?

[cut to later]

Cailin: (to Ross) Hi! Remember me?

Ross: Hi! Yeah! Tommy’s in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in front of him, I think he’s gonna snap. (He’s watching very intently)

Cailin: Ross, I’m gonna go.

Ross: Go? Why?

Cailin: I don’t know. Could be because I don’t feel like standing around all night waiting for some guy who may or may not scream.

Ross: But-but Cailin, he definitely will scream.

Cailin: Good bye Ross.

Ross: Uh, oh-ho bye.

The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la… Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.

Joey: Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha!

The Director: Kate Miller’s awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is… (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, you’ve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mother’s crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!

(Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him.)

Joey: Anyone mind if I save this?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on hold.]

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh, is the play over?

Monica: Yeah. Where were you?

Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.

Monica: You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.

Phoebe: Nah. I kept myself busy.

(Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living room with confused looks on their faces.)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, yeah. (to Monica) I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room.

(They both look at each other, nod their heads ‘All right’ and follow their stuff into their new rooms.)

[Scene: The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying to comfort Kate.]

Joey: Hey! Are you okay?

Kate: Fabulous.

Joey: Listen, drama critics they’re nothing but, but people who couldn’t make it as actors. You know what you should do?

Kate: Become a drama critic!

The Director: (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both your houses! (walks away)

Kate: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.

Joey: Oh, classy.

Kate: Yep! I sure know how to pick ‘em, huh? Y’know I gave up a part on a soap for this!

Joey: Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.

Kate: Really. What?

Joey: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We’ll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.

Kate: Why the Post?

Joey: Oh, you didn’t see the Post?

Kate: No. You?

Joey: No. Why?

[Scene: Kate’s Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the town.]

Kate: (drunk) So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?

Joey: Oh, absolutely! You’re talented and you’re good looking.

Kate: Oh, you’re sweet and cute.

Joey: I know! That’s why they trashed me!

(They kiss.)

Joey: Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Kate: What?

Joey: I, I don’t get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again.

Kate: What? So you never went out with an actress before?

Joey: Kate, do you even like me?

Kate: Of course I do.

Joey: Well so, how come you blew me off? Y’know? How come you were with him?

Kate: I don’t know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy… Why can’t I just pick someone like you?

Joey: Thanks.

Kate: You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you’re just so, you’re so, so… (She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)

Joey: (Checks to see if she’s drooling on his shirt.) Okay. Okay, okay, hey. (Lays her down and covers her with a blanket.) There we go, let’s get your feet up there. (Looks at her) Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams. (Picks up a garbage can) I’m gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the next morning, Phoebe is STILL on hold.]

Hold Voice: Please stay on the line. You’re call is very important to us.

Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Pheebs, you’ve been up for 24 hours! Go to sleep, honey. Th-this isn’t healthy.

Phoebe: No, no, I’m fine, and y’know why? ‘Cause of all the riboflavin.

Joey: (entering, happily) Hey!

Monica: Hey! Didn’t you have that outfit on last night?

Joey: Yeah! I stayed at Kate’s, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya?

Phoebe: I’m so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you’re play. I swear you’re play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. You’re play is the next play is the next play I’m gonna see.

Monica: Anyway, how did it go with Kate?

Joey: Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected, y’know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we stayed up all night talking, and now we’re like totally crazy about each other!

Monica: Joey, you had the night!

Joey: What?

Monica: When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!

Joey: You-you think?

Monica: Did you like learn about her family?

Joey: Two brothers, one died!

Monica: Yes!!

Joey: Yeah?!

Monica: Oh! (They hug, triumphantly.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the chair.]

Gunther: (bringing Chandler a cup) This is from the woman at the bar.

Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho.

(He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers something to Gunther; who comes back and takes the mug away from Chandler.)

Gunther: Sorry. She thought you were somebody else.

Rachel: What time is it?

Monica: One.

Ross: One.

Chandler: 7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch doesn’t work.

Rachel: Tommy’s supposed to be here soon, we’re going to lunch.

Ross: Look. Look, I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but… All right, I don’t think you should be seeing Tommy anymore.

Rachel: You don’t?!

Ross: No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him.

Rachel: Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all men.

Ross: No, it’s not just ‘cause I’m jealous. (Both Monica and Chandler give him a ‘Come on’ look) I mean I’m not, I’m not, I’m not jealous, okay? It’s… Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.

Chandler: Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y’know, and he just started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together!

Ross: Okay, fine, fine. You don’t want to believe me? No, that’s fine. (starts to leave)

Monica: We’re kidding!

Chandler: Ross, don’t. Ross!

Monica; Ross!

[cut to outside of Central Perk]

Ross: You don’t want to believe me, I’m Mr. Funny to you. Mr. Funny… (turns around and almost spills his coffee on Tommy)

Tommy: Whoa!!

Ross: Whoa, sorry Tommy.

Tommy: What’s in the cup, Ross?

Ross: Umm…

Tommy: What is in the cup?!

Ross: Okay, it’s coffee.

Tommy: Ice coffee? Tell me it’s ice coffee!

Ross: It’s-it’s hot…

Tommy: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?!! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?!

[cut to inside Central Perk, we see Ross quietly tapping on the window, desperately trying to get the gang’s attention, while Tommy is still screaming at him]

Rachel: (not seeing Ross) What’s your favourite thing about summertime?

Monica: Umm, going to the beach. When it stays light real late.

Rachel: Yeah…

Tommy: (entering, finished with yelling at Ross, who follows him in shell shocked) (happily) Hey!

Rachel: Tommyyyy! Say, what’s your favourite thing about summer?

Tommy: Ooh, I don’t know. Probably the smell of freshly cut grass.

Chandler: Ohh, that’s a good one.

(Ross is having a fit, about how calm Tommy is now)

[Scene: Backstage at Joey’s play, Joey is arriving, late.]

Joey: Sorry! Sorry, I’m late; sorry, I’m late! My duck and my chick and a fight, it-it was ugly.

Stage Manager: Look, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, let’s go! Let’s go!

[cut to onstage with Lauren standing in for Kate, the doorbell rings.]

Lauren: (answering the door) Vic! Where have you been, baby?!

Joey: (surprised it’s Lauren) (hugs her) (whispering) Where’s Kate?

Lauren: (whispering) She got a job in L.A.

Joey: (stunned) What?!

Lauren: I’ve been waiting up all night for ya. Where have you been? (Joey doesn’t answer) Where have you been? Vic?!

Joey: Oh, ahh, go to the window. I’m wanna run down to the truck and show you something.

Lauren: (at the window, she’s looking down out of the window) What do you got down there, Vic? What do you got under that tarp?

Joey: (grabs the window from the outside and sticks his head in) (whispering) When is she leaving?

Lauren: (whispering) Tonight. What are you doing?

Joey: (making like he is yelling up to the second floor) I’m coming up!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Chandler and Ross are in the kitchen, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Phoebe is, you guessed it, still on hold.]

Tommy: Hey, mind if I use the phone?

Phoebe: Oh, I… (starts jabbering incoherently)

Chandler: Why don’t you use ours across the hall, ‘cause she…has…problems.

Ross: (coming out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee, almost running into Tommy) Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.

Tommy: Yeah, but you didn’t.

Ross: No, but it’s-it’s-it’s hot!

(We see Tommy go into Joey and Chandler’s apartment)

Rachel: Ross, would you just stop it! It’s getting really old.

Ross: I can’t believe no one believes me!

Phoebe: I do, I believe you.

Ross: You do Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah. But I also believed her (points to the phone) when she said I was next.

[cut to Chandler and Joey’s apartment, Tommy is using the phone]

Tommy: (noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. (picks up the chick) Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? (starts to pet him) Aww. (The chick poops on his hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me, I’m so cute, I’m a little chick who’s disgusting! God, you’re so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! (the duck wattles behind him and quacks) (to the duck) Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!!

(We see the gang staring at him through the doorways.)

Chandler: Step away from the duck.

Tommy: Ooh, sorry little Mr. Chic-A-Dee, sorry you went doody in my hand! (starts to walk out and stops) (to Rachel) Well, I guess we’re not going out anymore. Whaa!!!

(He leaves the gang in stunned silence.)

[Scene: Backstage at Joey’s play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her bags.]

Kate: Joey!

Joey: Hey!

Kate: I’m soo glad I caught you, I couldn’t find you before.

Joey: Wh-wh-what’s going on? Wh-what’s this about L.A.?

Kate: They still want me for General Hospital.

Joey: But, but wh-what about us?

Kate: Last night was wonderful. But I-I can’t stay here just for you.

Joey: Well, so, stay for the museums!

Kate: I’m sorry.

Stage Manager: Joey, onstage!

Joey: Well can you at least stay to the end of the play? I mean, I’ll go to the airport with ya, I-I wanna say good bye.

Lauren: (yelling from onstage) Where are you Vic?

Kate: Flight’s in an hour. I-I gotta go.

Lauren: Vic! Vic! Vic!!!

Joey: (to Lauren) In a minute!!

[cut to the end of the play]

Lauren: So this is it? Victor?

Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick ‘cause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, you’ve got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, (smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But I won’t have aged at all. (gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, I’m gonna want to meet her.

(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7, and Kate waves good bye.)

Lauren: So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the gang, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you y’know.]

Monica: Phoebe, it’s been two days.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it’s one of those 801 numbers. Right?

Ross: Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah.

Phoebe: No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it’s has to be 800. (picks up the instruction manual to check the phone number) ‘Cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every one. (Finds the number) Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.

Rachel: Phoe-be!!

Phoebe: Sorry, I’m so sorry, I will pay you back.

Chandler: And yet, she’s still not hanging up the phone.

All: Hang it up! Hang up the phone!!

Phoebe: Fine! Fine! (slams the phone down, breaking it) Oh-oh!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Well, I think I broke it. But that’s all right, here’s the number you can call.

Monica: (sarcastic) Oh.


Read Full Post »

Written by: Chris Brown
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are helping Monica learn how to roller skate by rolling her between themselves.]

Rachel: So who’s idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates?

Monica: Oh, some idiot customer put a suggestion in the suggestion box.

Phoebe: Oh my God, they took my idea!

Monica: That was you?!

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay, here you go. (rolls her back to Rachel)

Gunther: (bringing Rachel a mug) Rachel, I made you a cocoa.

[He distracts her from catching Monica and Monica slams into her, knocking her down. Monica then falls on top of her.]

Phoebe: Oh my God, are you guys okay?

Gunther: Are you all right?

Joey: (leaving Central Perk and seeing Monica laying on top of Rachel who is moaning in pain.) Oh my.

(They both turn and give him a dirty look.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey is watching Quincy M.E. as Chandler is walking into the living room from his bedroom.]

Chandler: (sporting a goatee) Hey.

Joey: Hey. Y’know with that goatee you kinda look like Satan.

Chandler: Oh, so that’s why the priest threw holy water on me. (there’s no reaction from Joey) Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You should come out with Ross and me, I mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about Kate.

Joey: Hey I was crying because, because nobody believed Quincy’s theory. Okay?

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: (triumphantly) I’m gonna be on TV!!

Chandler: No way!

Ross: Yeah! They’re putting together this panel to talk about these fossils they just found in Peru and The Discovery Channel’s gonna film it!

Chandler: Oh my God! Who’s gonna watch that?!

Ross: Thanks. You ready to go?

Chandler: Yeah. (they start to leave)

Joey: Saw a girl with that vest.

Chandler: Thanks. (He takes off the vest and throws it on the floor.)

Anchorwoman: (on TV) While most of us think of chocolate bunnies and baskets as traditional Easter gifts. Some people insist on giving live chicks as presents. (Joey is intrigued by the idea) Unfortunately, the sad fact remains that most of these little guys won’t live to see the fourth of July. (Joey starts to call a place to buy a little baby chick) Because of as a result of improper care, they will be dead.

Joey: (on phone) Yeah, hi. You guys got any of those baby chicks? ‘Cause I was watching this ah, commercial on TV and man, those guys are cute!

[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is entering, Monica is on roller skates.]

Pete: Hi!

Monica: Hi! Hey, Pete you’re back! Hey, check this out. (She starts to skate over to him)

Pete: Wow! Skates!

(She gets just about all the way over to him and falls into his arms.)

Monica: Wow! You’re a lot sturdier that Chandler. He crumpled like a piece of paper. So how was you’re trip?

Pete: Well… (he holds up a gift he brought her)

Monica: Oh, what’d ya bring me?! (She opens the gift) Awww, hotel toiletries from Japan. Oh, these are gonna go in my permanent collection. You want some coffee?

Pete: Yeah, sure, that’d be great.

(She starts to go and get the coffee and falls behind the counter.)

Monica: (popping back up) Regular or decaf?

Pete: Ah, which ever is closest.

Monica: Okay. (hands him a cup)

Pete: So ask me what I did today.

Monica: So what did you do today Pete?

Pete: I bought a restaurant and I would like you to be the head chef.

Monica: What?! Oh.(She turns around quickly and falls)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is telling Rachel about Pete’s offer.]

Monica: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?

Rachel: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?

Monica: I mean this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica’s Bakery. I mean I would kill for this job. I mean I can totally do this job, and God knows I paid my dues. (She removes her fake breasts) But Pete’s just doing this because he has a crush on me.

Rachel: And you’re still not attracted to him at all?

Monica: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a restaurant from him? I-I-I-I can’t. I couldn’t even accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh grade.

Rachel: Yeah, but Mon that’s totally different. He was you’re health teacher.

Monica: Oh, please.

(She slaps Rachel’s side and Rachel screams in pain.)

Monica: What? Honey.

Rachel: Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when you crashed into me yesterday.

Monica: Oh God, I’m so sorry.

Rachel: I know.

(Monica hugs her goes and hugs her)

Rachel: Ow!!

Monica: Oh God!

Ross: (entering, wearing a white suit with a little red bow tie) Hey, you guys! Guess what?

Rachel: (looking at the outfit) Got a job on a river boat?

Ross: Y’know what I didn’t wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You’re not my girlfriend anymore so…

Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point.

Ross: Right.

Rachel: Now that you’re on you’re own, you’re free to look as stupid as you like.

Ross: (to Monica) You like it right?

Monica: Oh absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders. (Ross starts to leave) Ross! Ross! I’m kidding!

Rachel: Yeah, come here!

Monica: What-what was it you were gonna tell us?

Rachel: Yeah. Oh! Was how you invented the cotton gin?!

Ross: Okay, good bye! (leaves)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about her suggestion.]

Chandler: So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen.

Phoebe: Umm, oh, about three months.

Chandler: Okay, so I guess that’s about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in.

Joey: (entering carrying a box) Hey!!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: I got you something! Open it! Open it!

Chandler: Okay. (He opens it and it’s a baby chick) It’s a chicken.

Joey: It’s cute, huh?

Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks?

Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? Nooo.

Phoebe: Okay, well they are a huge responsibility, especially at this age. They require constant care. They-they need just the right food, and lot’s and lot’s of love.

Joey: Oh, well no problem there. (He picks up the chick, hugs it really tight, and talks to it like it’s a little baby.)

Chandler: Easy Lenny.

[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is talking to Monica about the restaurant.]

Pete: So? I mean have you thought about it?

Monica: Okay. Here’s the thing.

Pete: Oh no, not the thing. I hate the thing. What’s the thing?

Monica: I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I wish I could, but umm, see you have these feelings for me….

Pete: Wait, wait, wait, wait, that’s-that’s what you’re worried about? If that’s the problem, we’ve got no problem.

Monica: Huh?

Pete: No! Look, I was gonna tell you this over dinner, but I met somebody else. On my trip.

Monica: Oh?

Pete: Her name’s Ann, she’s a journalist. Ahh, we met on the plane. She asked me if she could finish off my peanuts, I thought she said something else, we had a big laugh. Yeah, I just, I mean I got, I got tired of waiting.

Monica: Oh, that’s great! I mean I’m-I’m sorry, but I’m so happy for you. And now I can work for you!

Pete: I guess you can.

Monica: Oh my God! Oh, this is incredible! Ohh! (she rolls over and kisses him on the cheek) All right, y’know what? I’m just gonna roll right into that office and-and quit!

Pete: All right.

Monica: Okay. (she gets ready to go) Can you give me a little push?

Pete: Yeah, sure. Good luck!

Monica: (rolling towards the office) I’m quitting!! Woo-hoo! (She rolls through a doorway and out of sight. We then hear a big crash, and see Monica roll past the door the other way.) I’m okay!! I’m all right!!

Phoebe: (to Pete) Wow! That’s exciting, you went to Japan, made up a woman.

Pete: What?

Phoebe: I’m just saying, this woman, I mean she’s fictitious. No?

Pete: Why would you say that?

Phoebe: ‘Cause you’re still into Monica. So you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so ‘cause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and…

Pete: You’re good. You’re good!

Phoebe: Yeah, no, I’m fairly intuitive and psychic. It’s a substantial gift.

Pete: Listen, can you promise me that you won’t tell her though?

Phoebe: Absolutely, oh I promise. Tell her what?

Pete: Thanks a lot.

Phoebe: No I’m serious. I mean I’m intuitive, but my memory sucks.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is baby-chick sitting.]

Chandler: Okay, but this is the last time. (singing) With a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick-(Joey enters)-chickeeeen.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: How’s she doing?

Chandler: She?

Joey: Well yeah, don’t-don’t you think it’s a she?

Chandler: I don’t know. (He picks the chick up and turns it over, trying to determine the sex of the chick, and blows on it.) I can’t tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly.

Joey: Well, anyway, I got to go change, I’m ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks.

Chandler: Excuse me?

Joey: What?

Chandler: I stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick!

Joey: Hey! Who was up from 2 o’clock this morning until 5 o’clock this morning trying to get her back to sleep?

Chandler: You don’t think I get up when you get up?

Joey: Ohhh, here it comes.

Chandler: Yes, here it comes! I’m stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? Well I don’t think so mister!

Joey: Hey!! I need to relax! Okay? I was working all day!

Chandler: And you don’t think taking care of our chick is work?

Joey: That’s not what I said. Okay, I just meant…

Chandler: I know what you meant!! (pause) You notice that ever since we got this chick, we’ve been fighting a lot more than we used too?

Joey: I don’t know, maybe we weren’t ready to have a chick.

Chandler: I’ll take her back tomorrow.

Joey: Do you think we’ll get our three bucks back?

Ross: (entering carrying a garment bag) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: (sees the chick) Ohhh, hey! All right, listen, I-I have that TV thing in like two hours, and I need your help, okay? What do you think? (takes out two suits) This blue suit, or this brown one?

Joey: Well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great in the blue one.

Ross: Really? (Joey gives him a ‘Like I would know’ look)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is trying to take some aspirin.]

Rachel: (she reaches for the bottle) Oww! (She grabs the bottle, but has trouble opening it. She pops the top off and aspirins fly all over the place as Ross enters.)

Ross: Wow! That aspirin dance really works!

Rachel: (She bends over to try and pick up the aspirin) Oww!

Ross: Oh my God, is that still…

Rachel: I’m fine, I’m fine.

Ross: No you’re not.

Rachel: Yes I am!

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: Look, I’m fine. Watch. (She picks up an aspirin between her toes) Look at that. (She lifts her leg to grab the aspirin with her hand and almost falls over.) Whoa-whoa!

Ross: (stopping her from falling) Okay, okay. Look, you have got to go to a doctor! Okay?

Rachel: No. I have got to get ready and go to a dinner at my bosses house. It’s a very big deal, there’s a lot of people there I have to meet.

Ross: And I’m sure you’re gonna make a big impression. Hi! I’m Rachel Green. It’s nice to meet you. (He lifts his leg and imitates shaking hands with it, just like how Rachel was trying to pick up the aspirin with her feet.) Come on, you probably have a broken rib!

Rachel: Well, I will go to the hospital tomorrow, it’ll still be broken then.

Ross: Rach…

Rachel: But y’know, I could use a hand getting ready.

Ross: Rachel…

Rachel: Look, either help me or go.

Ross: Fine. I’ll go.

Rachel: (with a hurt expression on her face) Okay, but before you go, could you help me first?

Ross: (He checks his watch) Sure. I’ll help you.

Chandler: (rushing in) Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, Rachel is trying to put on eye liner with her left hand, as Ross is setting out her shoes.]

Rachel: (She drops the brush) Y’know what? I cannot do this with my left hand! Would you please, help me with this too?

Ross: Ohh. (He drops the shoes, takes the brush from her, and licks the tip. He doesn’t like how it tastes.)

Rachel: (taking the brush back) Okay. Let’s use this brush. (Hands him another one.)

Ross: Okay. This stuff?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: All right.

Rachel: Careful. Light. Okay, do you know how, just sweep it across the lid. Okay? Just sweep it.

Ross: Oke-dokey. (He pokes her in the eye with the brush.)

Rachel: Oh-ho!

Ross: Sorry.

Rachel: Hey! That’s just poking me in the eye!

Ross: Sorry, I’m sorry. Close, close, close…

Rachel: Okay, just sweep it.

Ross: I’m sweeping…

Rachel: Right.

Ross: Sweep, sweep….(He starts to paint it on her eye, making it look like she has a black eye.)

Rachel: Okay, now make it even, ‘cause we don’t…

Ross: What? What?

Rachel: We don’t want it-it to be too much, we want it to be subtle.

(Of course it’s too late for that.)

Ross: No. No, y’know you don’t, you don’t wear enough of this. (Rachel is shocked) What?

Rachel: Since when, since when do you think I don’t wear enough of this?

Ross: Well I, close your eyes, I just think you’re gonna like this a little better, ‘cause, close-close… (He gets some more on the brush)

Rachel: Blow it.

Ross: (blows it) Sorry. ‘Cause umm, I think this will make you a little more sophisticated.

Rachel: Sophisticated like a hooker?

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is entering, Phoebe is already there.]

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey, guess what I’m doing tonight.

Phoebe: What?

Monica: I’m checking out the restaurant with Pete.

Phoebe: Ohh, Monica, I am so excited for you.

Monica: I know.

Phoebe: Ooh, I have to tell you something.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: But I can’t tell you.

Monica: Okay, but wouldn’t it be easier if you had to tell me something that you could tell me.

Phoebe: Well, sure in a perfect world. But, no, I promised I wouldn’t tell, and I swore to like all my gods.

Monica: Okay. Does it have to do with Ross and Rachel?

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Does it have to do with Joey?

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Does it have to do with-with Chandler and that sock that he keeps by his bed?

Phoebe: No, but let’s come back to that later!

[Scene: Rachel’s Bedroom, Ross is finishing up her make-up.]

Ross: There you go! Good enough for your party, huh?

(She turns and looks in the mirror, and it’s way, way over done. She looks like she has two black eyes.)

Rachel: Sure.

Ross: Yep?

Rachel: Sure, I’ll just sit next to the trans-sexual from purchasing.

Ross: Okay, come on! All right, I gotta go! So good luck at the party. Okay?

Rachel: Oh wait, Ross, would you just stay and help me get dressed?

Ross: (checks his watch) Sure, okay.

Rachel: Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay, just turn around.

Ross: What?

Rachel: I don’t want you to see me naked!

Ross: Rachel, I’ve seen you naked a million times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Remember, I-I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button?

Rachel: Yeah, but that was different. Y’know? I mean, we were, we were going out then, now I think it’s weird.

Ross: Rach, y’know I can see you naked any time I want.

Rachel: What?

Ross: All I have to do is close my eyes. See? (closes his eyes) Woo-hoo!!

Rachel: Ross! Stop that!

Ross: Ah, I’m sorry.

Rachel: Come on! I don’t want you thinking of me like that any more!

Ross: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. It’s one of my ah, rights as the ex-boyfriend. (closes his eyes again) Oop, oh yeah!

Rachel: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out!

Ross: Okay, okay, I’m sorry, it will never happen… (closes eyes) Uh-oh! Wait a minute! Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and I’m the king.

Rachel: Rosss…

Ross: Come on, would you grow up? It’s no big deal.

Rachel: All right. (She starts to take off her robe) Fine.

Ross: Yowzah!!!

Rachel: O-kay!! See what you did, I’m gonna be doing it by myself now. Okay?

Ross: Aww, come on.

Rachel: That’s it. (She crawls onto the bed) Ow!!!

Ross: Oh my God!

Rachel: Oh-ow!

Ross: All right.

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: Look…

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Ow! Ow!

Ross: Easy. Easy. You have to go to the hospital. Okay?

Rachel: Okay, I do.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: I really do.

Ross: Okay, I’m gonna get your coat and then I’ll-I’ll put you in a cab.

Rachel: Okay. Oh wait, wait-wait, you’re not gonna come with me?

Ross: (He thinks about it) Of course I am. I just have to make a call.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay? (goes into the living room)

Rachel: Thank you. (She goes to take off her make-up and screams in pain) Oww!!!! God!

Ross: (rushing back in) What?! I wh-, what’s wrong?

Rachel: I’m sorry, I just can’t go to the hospital lookin’ like this.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is trying to find out what Phoebe won’t tell her.]

Monica: Does it involve travel?

Phoebe: Noo!

Monica: Does it involve clogs?

Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws?

Monica: Clogs.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Claws?!

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Okay, so it doesn’t involve Ross or Rachel or Chandler or Joey. But, what about Pete?

Phoebe: (Shaking her head yes) No!

Monica: What is it?! What about Pete?

Phoebe: I don’t know! (frantically points at Monica)

Monica: Okay, I feel like I’m talking to Lassie. All right, Phoebe would you just tell me!

Phoebe: I can’t!!

Monica: Okay, I gotta go. (gets up)

Phoebe: I, but you’re so close! No!

Monica: Okay, does it involve something to do with Pete’s computer company?

Phoebe: Oh, just go. You’re never gonna get it!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is watching Baywatch with the baby chick. He’s on one leather chair, the chick is on the other. It’s watching Yasmine Bleeth run and is chirping.]

Chandler: I know. See, yes. That’s Yasmine Bleeth, she’s a completely different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: (sees he’s watching Baywatch) Ohhh. (sees he still has the chick) Ahh! What are you doing?! I thought you were gonna take her back to the store today.

Chandler: I did! But the store wouldn’t take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out?

(Joey wants to know, but Chandler doesn’t want to discuss it by the chick, so he and Joey move over to the windows and away from the chick.)

Chandler: If they can’t find a home for her, they kill her! And I’m not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine!

Joey: Okay, good, good, good, ‘cause, good, ‘cause I was kinda having second thoughts too.

Chandler: Okay. And it’s not just chicks y’know? It’s all kinds of other animals!

Joey: That’s horrible! Well, you did the right thing man.

Chandler: Thanks, I’m glad you see it that way.

(He hear a duck start quacking, and see it waddle into the living room from the bathroom. Joey wants to know what’s with the duck.)

Chandler: Ohhh-hoo, funny story!

[Scene: Pete’s Restaurant’s Kitchen, Pete is showing Monica around the kitchen.]

Monica: I don’t believe this! Wow, look at this refrigerator! It’s gigantic! I mean I could live in this thing! I’d be cold, but I’m always cold. Oh my God, look at these spider burners! I love spider burners.

Pete: So you like it?

Monica: Oh, it is sooo perfect. Thank you so much. (runs over and hugs him)

Pete: Oh, you’re welcome. (He takes a deep breath)

Monica: Did you just smell my hair?

Pete: Nooo. Uh-huh, no way. What? No.

Monica: Oh God.

Pete: What?

Monica: You still have feelings for me don’t you?

Pete: Now, nooo! I’m just excited about the restaurant, that’s all.

Monica: Pete.

Pete: Okay, I love you. Is that so bad?

Monica: No, it’s not bad. It’s not bad at all. It’s-it’s really nice.

Pete: Look, the only who stands to get hurt is me. And I’m okay with that.

Monica: You may be okay about getting hurt, but I am not okay with being the one who hurts you. That’s why I can’t take this job.

Pete: What?

Monica: And well, we probably shouldn’t see each other anymore. I’m sorry.

Pete: Okay, yeah. I mean… If that’s, if that’s really what you want, okay.

Monica: Okay, bye.

(She kisses him on the cheek, and he kisses her back on the mouth.)

Pete: I’m sorry things didn’t work out…

Monica: All right shut up for a second and let me just see something. (She kisses him back on the lips) Oh, wow! (They then hug and kiss, very passionately.)

[Scene: The Hallway Between The Apartments, Ross and Rachel are coming back from the hospital. Ross is helping her up the stairs.]

Rachel: Okay, you’d tell me the truth. Right?

Ross: Rach, you can’t look fat in an x-ray.

Rachel: Okay.

(As they approach the door, Chandler comes out carrying his duck.)

Chandler: Okay! Now you stay out here, and you think about what you did!!

Ross: (to Chandler) That’s a duck.

Chandler: That’s a bad duck!!! (to Ross) How’d the thing go tonight, Ross?

Ross: Oh, it was, nah, well….

Rachel: What thing? What thing?

Ross: Nothing, ah there was this thing at the museum. Come on. (they go into her apartment) Easy.

Chandler: (to the duck) Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that, that chick is not a toy! (He goes back into the apartment)

[cut to inside Monica and Rachel’s]

Rachel: What thing? What is this thing?

Ross: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel.

Rachel: Oh my God!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Ross, why didn’t you tell me that?

Ross: Eh, ‘cause I knew that if I told you, you’d make me go, and I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on.

Rachel: I cannot believe you.

Ross: What?

Rachel: That is the sweetest thing, I just….

(They both look at each other for a while)

Ross: (breaking the silence) You should get some sleep.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: So, I’ll umm…

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry I spoiled you’re evening.

Ross: No, that’s, no, as long as you’re okay. So I’ll ah, I’ll see you tomorrow.

Rachel: Um-hmm, yeah.

(He leaves)

Rachel: (After he closes the door) See ya.

(In the hallway, Ross all dejected, sits down on the step.)

Chandler: (coming out of his apartment and seeing Ross) What did you do?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s Bathroom: Chandler is watching the duck swim in the bathtub.]

Joey: What ‘cha doing?

Chandler: Having a swim.

Joey: What about the chick?

Chandler: Chicks don’t swim.

Joey: Are you sure?

Chandler: I don’t know. Should we try it?

Joey: Sure.

(Chandler picks up the chick and drops it in the water.)

Chandler: See, I told you they don’t swim. (He goes to take it out)

Joey: (stopping him) Wait. Give him a minute.

Chandler: Noo! (takes him out) Oh, it’s okay, it’s okay, baby, baby, baby.

(Joey picks up and turns on a hair dryer.)


Read Full Post »

Written by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]

Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You’re telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn’t want you back?!

Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it’s like to be you?

Monica: Wow, you’re really crazy about her, huh?

Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we’re on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it’s like somebody’s ripping out my heart!

Phoebe: Oh, it’s so great to see you feeling like this!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.

Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it.

Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? ‘Cause I thought death was something that’s supposed to be sad, in a way.

Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person.

Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And I’m sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?

Ross: You get the dollhouse.

Monica: I get the dollhouse!

Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.

Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?

Phoebe: No, just a barrel.

Monica: Y’know what, you can play with my dollhouse.

Phoebe: Really?! Really?!

Monica: Any time you want. Y’know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.

Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.]

Rachel: Hey, Sophie!

Sophie: Hey, Rach!

Chandler: Hey.

Sophie: Hey.

Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y’know, you didn’t have to walk me all the way back up here.

Chandler: Oh, that’s-that’s okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)

Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don’t keep the women’s lingerie here in the office?

Chandler: Yes, I realise that.

Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)

Chandler: That’s the stuff! (quickly grabs it)

[Rachel’s boss, Joanna, enters]

Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You don’t work for me.

Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.

Joanna: Bing! That’s a great name.

Chandler: Thanks, it’s ah, Gaelic, for ‘Thy turkey’s done.’ So ah, I’m gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.

Joanna: Me too.

Rachel: Bye, Chandler.

Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, what’s wrong with him?

Rachel: Oh, nothing, he’s just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.

Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?

Rachel: No!! No! He’s not married, or involved, with anyone!

Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y’know what, forget it.

Rachel: Well, I’ll ask him for you, if you want me too?

Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y’know something that Sophie would do?

Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here.

Joanna: I know that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. It’s a huge dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.]

Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper’s a little faded, that’s okay. Carpet’s a little loose. Hardwood floors!!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hello.

Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It’s so beautiful.

Monica: I know!!!

Phoebe: So, I’m here, ready to play.

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to the house.)

Monica: What’s this?

Phoebe: That’s a dog, every house should have a dog.

Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.

Phoebe: Well, maybe it’s so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.

Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?

Phoebe: No, no, that’s the ghost for the attic.

Monica: I don’t want a ghost.

Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you’ve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.

Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government.

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

All: Hello.

Rachel: I need to talk to you!

Ross: Sure, what’s up?

Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.

Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up… (walks away)

Chandler: Oh, I’m glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.

Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you…

Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin’ out the Chan-Chan man!

Rachel: (looks at him) That was (pause) surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all?

Chandler: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I’ll do it.

Rachel: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she’s gonna love me.

Phoebe: (holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur attack!! Quick, everybody into the house!! Ahh-ahh! (the dinosaur starts attacking the house. She starts to bark like a dog.) Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!

Monica: Okay, Phoebe, y’know what? That-that’s it, that’s it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? They’re not the right size, they’re not Victorian, and they just don’t go.

Phoebe: Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, we’re not welcome in the house of no imagination.

Ross: Uh, Pheebs, while we’re hovering around the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they don’t go, rrroof!

Phoebe: The little ones do.

[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse the play.]

Joey: Hey, Kate!

Kate: Morning.

Joey: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week…

The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him)

Joey: (to himself) And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah…

Woman: Hi, oh, I’m Lauren, Kate’s understudy.

Joey: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani.

Lauren: I know! I-I’m a big fan of yours.

Joey: (looks at her, shocked) What?!

Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives.

Joey: Get out of here, really?!

Lauren: Absolutely!

Joey: Yeah?

Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.

Joey: They gave me the shaft all right.

Lauren: (laughing) Oh, you’re so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something?

Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.

Lauren: Cool! I-I’ll see you then.

Joey: All right.

The Director: All right, it’s time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is entering with her own dollhouse, that she made herself.]

Phoebe: Hey!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!!

Rachel: Wow!!

Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing the interior.)

Ross: Hey, what’s this?!

Phoebe: Oh, okay, it’s the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. (She slides a doll down the slide)

Monica: It’s very interesting, Phoebe.

Rachel: What’s this?

Phoebe: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed.

Ross: This is the coolest house ever!!

(Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on her face.)

Phoebe: Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? (lights some incense)

Rachel: All right!

Ross: I would!

Monica: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?!

Ross and Rachel: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: Watch, watch. (She turns a strand of Christmas lights strung around the house.)

Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!!

Phoebe: And, and! (She turns on a bubble maker.)

Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!!

Chandler: (entering) Hey, my Father’s house does that!

Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything.

Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there’s nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening.

Rachel: Hmm.

Chandler: Of course, I didn’t get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna’s such a big, dull dud!

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Joanna’s telling Rachel, her side of the story.]

Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!!

Rachel: What?!

Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y’know how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you?

Rachel: Oh, I….

Joanna: Oh, and he’s got such a good heart! Doesn’t he have a good heart?

Rachel: Oh, I know…

Joanna: Oh, I know and he’s soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to call, so put him straight through.

Sophie: Isn’t this great?!

Joanna: Don’t spoil it.

[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing.]

Joey: Come on baby, don’t go. Please? What do you say?

[A phone rings.]

The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! It’s you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)

Joey: (to Kate) That guy’s like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?

Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you’re dating.

Joey: Hey, I’m not interested in her sweater! It’s what’s underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I’m going out with?

Kate: I don’t care. Why, do you want me to care?

Joey: Do you want me to want you to care?

Kate: Do you?

Joey: What?

The Director: (returning) Okay, I’m afraid to say this, but let’s pick it up where we left off.

[They resume rehearsing.]

Joey: Come on baby, don’t go. Please? What do you say?

Kate: I’ve got no reason to stay.

(Joey grabs her and kisses her.)

The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I’ll see you in the morning. (exits)

Kate: I can’t believe we go on in, in a week.

Joey: Hey, it’s gonna be all right.

Lauren: (to Joey) Hey! So since we’re getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs?

Joey: What?

Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about last night?

Joey: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah, y’know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight.

Lauren: Oh, okay.

Joey: Okay. (he gives her a peck on the cheek)

Lauren: I’ll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full on the mouth.)

Joey: Okay.

Lauren: G’night. (exits)

Joey: (to Kate) Ah, are you okay?

Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?

Joey: I don’t know.

Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.

Joey: How do you mean?

Kate: Well, Adrian’s looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can’t just kiss her, he’s gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y’know?

Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.

Kate: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist.

Kate: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach!

Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!

Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal….

[cut to Joey’s bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under the covers.]

Joey: Something like that?

Kate: Yeah, that’s pretty much what I had in mind.

Joey: Yeah.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily.]

Joey: (to Ross) Hey.

Ross: Hi.

Joey: (to Monica) Hey.

(He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a kiss on the neck.)

Ross: Hi.

Joey: Hey.

(He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a moment, and gives him a big hug.)

Ross: It’s a little early to be drinkin’.

Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate.

Ross: Ohhhhh!

Monica: You’re kidding?! That’s great!

Joey: Oh, it was so amazing. After the (pause) love making…

Monica: Oh my.

Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming ‘cause, ‘cause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like he’s been processed by the devil, or something.)

Chandler: (entering with Rachel) I’m telling ya, Joanna’s got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, ‘This was fun. Let’s do it again sometime. I’ll give you a call.’

Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you’re going to call her?

Chandler: That’s what you say at the end of a date.

Rachel: You can’t just say, ‘Nice to meet you, good night?’

Chandler: To her face? Look it’s the end of the date, I’m standing there, I know all she’s waiting for is for me to say ‘I’ll call her’ and it’s just y’know, comes out. I can’t help it, it’s a compulsion.

Monica: Come on Rach, when a guy says he’s going to call, it doesn’t mean he’s going to call. Hasn’t it ever happened to you?

Rachel: Well, they always called.

Monica: Hmm, bite me.

[Scene: Rachel’s office.]

Joanna: (entering) Did he call?

Rachel: No. Sorry.

Joanna: Why?! Why?! He said he’d call. Why hasn’t he called?

Sophie: Maybe he’s intimated by really smart, strong, successful women.

Joanna: Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn’t he called, Rachel? Why?

Rachel: Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss.

Joanna: Awkward? Why should he feel awkward?

Rachel: Well…

Joanna: The only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didn’t tell him not to call me, did you?

Rachel: No. I…

Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix…that.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachel approaches.]

Rachel: (grabbing the magazine out of his hands) Call her! Call her now!

Chandler: Multiple, so many paper cuts.

Rachel: Why hasn’t he called Rachel? Why? Why? I don’t understand. Why? He said he’ll call. Why? Why? Chandler I’m telling you she has flipped out, she’s gone crazy!

Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone then.

Rachel: Come on, this isn’t funny. She thinks it’s my fault that you haven’t called her. You have to call her!

Chandler: Look, you can’t call somebody after this long just to say, ‘In case you didn’t notice, I don’t like you!’

Rachel: Well then you’re going to have to take her out again.

Chandler: Nooo!! She’s really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!

Rachel: I don’t care! I don’t care! You are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it’s actually ended. And, I don’t care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again!

Chandler: All right! Fine! But it’s just a lunch date, no more than an hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I don’t want you setting me up with anybody ever again!

Rachel: That’s fine!

Chandler: That’s just a lot of big talk, y’know.

Rachel: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Mon?

Monica: (from the bathroom) I’m in the shower!

[He closes the door and walks over to get something from the fridge. He starts to smell something and turns around to see Phoebe’s dollhouse smoking. He runs over and takes off the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fire.]

Ross: Oh, fire! There, there’s a fire! Fire!!

[He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn’t work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in the shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on the fire, it doesn’t work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her lungs.]

[Scene: The Theatre, Kate is arriving for rehearsal.]

Joey: Hey.

Kate: Hi.

Joey: So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Did you ah, did you talk to Marshall?

Kate: About what?

Joey: Y’know, about what happened with us.

Kate: Nooo. And there’s really no reason he should find out, so ah let’s not make a big deal about it, okay?

Joey: What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on you can’t tell me last night didn’t mean something to you. I-I was there, you’re not that good an actress.

Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That’s all it was. Joey, I’m-I’m sorry you feel bad, but haven’t you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you?

Joey: Nooo.

Lauren: (entering) Hi, Kate!

Kate: Hi, Lauren.

Joey: Hi, Lauren.

Lauren: Hi, pig!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Ross are inspecting the damage to the dollhouse.]

Ross: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there.

Monica: Oh, that’s okay. By the way, I was just checking the shower massager.

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: (runs over to her) I tried to reach you at work. There’s….been a fire.

Phoebe: What?! Oh my… (sees the remains of the house) Oh my God!! What happened?!

Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. (He uses a pointer and points to the point of origin.) In the Aroma Room.

Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay?

Monica: Well, the giraffe’s okay. And so is the pirate.

Phoebe: Ohh. What is this? (She sees a tissue covering something, and moves to remove it.)

Ross: No Phoebe, don’t look! You don’t want to see what’s under there!!

Phoebe: (She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.) Ohh, the-the Foster puppets!

(She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the Foster puppets, and starts to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.)

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Chandler and Joanna are returning from their lunch date. He is telling her about her mascara problem. Rachel is already there.]

Chandler: It’s not a big deal. It’s, just it’s right here, (points to his eye) and it’s all the time.

Joanna: Well, thanks again for lunch.

Chandler: (He looks over at Rachel, who nods her head) Yes, this, this was pleasant.

(Rachel is slowing trying to leave and let them talk.)

Joanna: It was, wasn’t it?

Chandler: The food there was, was great.

Joanna: Wasn’t it?

Chandler: So take care.

Joanna: You too.

Chandler: Well, this was great. I’ll give you a call. We should do it again sometime. (Rachel is disappointed)

Joanna: Great! I’m looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages?

Rachel: Sophie’s desk.

(Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but Rachel stops him in the hallway.)

Rachel: (whispering) Chandler!! Are you gonna call her!

Chandler: Noo!

Rachel: Chandler!!

Chandler: Look, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m weak, and pathetic, and sorry.

Rachel: Okay, you are going to tell her and you’re going to tell her now. (She grabs his nipple and starts to twist it.)

Chandler: Ahhhh—I’m not going to call you.

Joanna: What?

Chandler: I’m sorry. I’m-I’m-I’m sorry that I said I was going to when I’m not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y’know? And this isn’t Rachel’s fault. It’s me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara goop. And I’m really sorry, it’s just that this is not, this isn’t going to work out.

Joanna: Well, this isn’t how I was hoping how this would end, but I guess I have to appreciate your honesty.

Chandler: Yeah, o-okay.

Joanna: So…

Chandler: Well this is great! I’ll give you a call! We should do it again sometime!

(Rachel is shocked, and holds her arms out in disbelief.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey is talking on the phone.]

Joey: (on phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what I’m saying is I should’ve considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I’ve ah, I’ve recently learned what’s it like to be on your side of it, and I’m sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? (listens) Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. (He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again.) Hello, Jennifer? (listens) Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? (listens) Oh, she’s not home huh? (listens) Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.


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Written by: Adam Chase
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is pouring Rachel coffee.]

Gunther: Here you go.

Rachel: Thank you.

Gunther: (In his head) Say Rachel, I was wondering if you’d like to go to a movie with me sometime. As my lover! Nnnsch, to out there. Maybe you’d just like to ah, get something to eat with me sometime? As my lover.

Mark: (entering) Hi!

Rachel: Hi! All right, let’s go shoppin’!!

Mark: Um, y’know, before we go ah, there’s something I need to say.

Rachel: Oh, okay.

Mark: I’ve kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. (Rachel is shocked) But since you were with Ross, I-I didn’t do anything about it. But, now that you’re not, I’d really like to ask you out sometime. So-so that’s-that’s what I’m doing, now.

(Gunther gets this hurt expression on his face and goes into the back room)

Rachel: Wow! Umm….

(She’s interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of braking dishes. Followed quickly by another crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room, as Gunther emerges.)

Gunther: I dropped a cup.

Opening Credits

[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from their date.]

Pete: …so y’know, that’s why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y’know, so you could be like-like, ‘Wash my car.’ ‘Clean my room.’ It’s not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it’ll understand what you’re saying.

Monica: Oh, this is so great.

Pete: Yeah, it was.

Monica: All right then. (He leans in to kiss her goodnight, but she quickly kisses him on the cheek and pats his shoulder.) Bye.

(She goes into her apartment and sees Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.)

Monica: Hello, people who do not live here.

All: Hi! Hello!

Monica: I gave you a key for emergencies!

Phoebe: We were out of Doritos.

Ross: Hey, how’d the date go with Mr. Millionaire?

Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately.

Monica: He’s great! I mean we have such a good time together! He’s so funny, and sooo sweet, and I’m not attracted to him at all!!

Ross: Still?!

Monica: Noo!! It’s driving me crazy. I mean every other way he’s like the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything.

Chandler: Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image?

Monica: Two.

Chandler: Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight?

Joey: (entering, dancing and singing) Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! (He dances around the dinner table and exits)

Ross: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.

Monica and Phoebe: Oh.

Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.

[Scene: A Theatre, Joey is arriving to rehearse the play he’s in.]

The Director: Joe. How’s it going?

Joey: Good. (He sets his stuff down and starts talking to Kate, another cast member.) Hey.

Kate: Hi.

Joey: Oh, so you’re playing Adrienne, huh?

Kate: Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?

Joey: Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor. I’m Joey Tribianni.

Kate: Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller.

(She goes over to the snack table, and Joey quickly runs over and pours her a cup of coffee.)

Joey: So the ah, play’s pretty great, huh?

Kate: Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murray’s work. She’s so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle class.

Joey: Oh, forget about it. She rocks!

Kate: Where do I know you from?

Joey: Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat.

Kate: No, that’s not it. So, you’re a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm?

Joey: Hey, I’ve done plays before. I’m a serious actor.

Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You’re-you’re-you’re the guy that doesn’t know how to pour milk!!

Joey: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldn’t. Now, see, that’s acting.

Kate: Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.

Joey: Yeah, that was real.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe about Mark, as Gunther eavesdrops behind them.]

Phoebe: Wow! I cannot believe Mark asked you out.

Rachel: I know.

Phoebe: What, so what are you gonna tell him?

Rachel: Well, I told him I would think about it, but I’m gonna tell him no.

Phoebe: Huh.

(Gunther tries to swoop in to ask Rachel out.)

Rachel: I mean I think I’d say no to anybody right now. (Hearing this Gunther swoops back to cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I’m standing there with this charming, cute guy, who’s asking me to go out with him, which I’m allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y’know, like I’d be cheating on Ross or something.

Phoebe: Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you’re not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father.

Rachel: I don’t have any issues with my Father.

Phoebe: Okay, so it’s probably just the Ross thing then.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey is telling Chandler about Kate.]

Joey: I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Okay, and whenever I can’t do it, they’re all like-like laughing at me.

Ross: (entering) Hello.

Chandler and Joey: Hey!

Ross: So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute.

Joey: Wow, what-what do you think she wants?

Ross: Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realises that life without me…. a-sucks.

Chandler: It’s possible. You are very loveable, I’d miss you if I broke up with you. (Ross glares at him) I was just trying to be supportive.

Ross: Then be supportive like a guy.

Chandler: (in a deep voice) If I broke up with you, I’d miss you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is there as Ross enters, walking very confidently.]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: You ah, wanted to see me?

Rachel: Yeah. Ahh, here’s a box of your stuff. (hands him a box)

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Oh, y’know, it’s just like hats, and a shirt, and CD’s, just sort of stuff that you’ve left here.

Ross: What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or something?

Rachel: No. Ross, it, it just seems that y’know it’s time we-we y’know, move on. I mean, I mean don’t’ you think?

Ross: Yes.

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: Yes, I do.

Rachel: Good.

Ross: Yeah, I-I really do. (takes a dinosaur mug out of the box) Hey! This-this was a gift?!

Rachel: Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop.

Ross: It’s still a gift! I got it from the gift shop!

Rachel: Okay, all right, give me the mug! I’ll keep the mug.

Ross: No!! Y’know-y’know don’t do me any favours. In fact, where, where’s the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? I’d like that back too. Yes, I do.

Rachel: You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even where that T-shirt!

Ross: I’m just trying to help you, move on.

Rachel: Oh, you are a petty man. You are a petty, petty….

Ross: Petty…

Rachel: Petty… (goes into her room)

Ross: Petty…

Rachel: Petty…

Ross: Petty…

Rachel: Small…

Ross: Small… (Rachel comes back into the living room and catches Ross mocking her.)

Rachel: You are so just doing this out of spite.

Ross: Awwwahuh, no, no, no!!

Rachel: Huh?

Ross: I’m-I’m gonna wear this all the time! I love this shirt!! (he kisses the shirt)

Rachel: You have not worn that T-shirt since you were 15!! It doesn’t even fit you anymore!

Ross: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah…

Rachel: (imitating him) yeah-yeah-yeah!!

Ross: Oh-oh, okay, okay! (He quickly takes off his sweater in order to put on the T-shirt. It’s an old ‘Frankie says relax’ T-shirt, that barely fits him. Rachel nods her head in approval of the new look.) If you don’t mind I’m gonna the rest of my stuff, and relax, in my favourite shirt. (Starts to leave) You have a pleasant evening. (He exits and leaves the door open.)

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang minus Rachel and Ross are talking to Pete.]

Phoebe: So, you’re like a zillionaire? (Pete smiles and nods)

Chandler: And you’re our age. You’re our age.

Phoebe: Y’know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself.

Pete: What like Pete Dakota?

Phoebe: Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete.

Joey: Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago.

Chandler: That’s not a state Joe.

Joey: Oh, and Mississ-Pete is?

Pete: I got to go, so ah, I’ll see you guys later.

All: Okay.

Chandler: You’re our age!

Pete: (to Monica, by the door) So ah, we on for tomorrow?

Monica: Absolutely! (He goes to kiss her, but she stops him and rubs his head and says…) Now get out of here you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gang) Okay, I’m running out of places I can touch him! Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where there’s no future? Either they’re too old, or they’re too young, and then there’s Pete who’s-who’s crazy about me, and who’s absolutely perfect for me, and there’s like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like something’s wrong with me?!

Phoebe: Yeah, kinda.

[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing for the play.]

Kate: Happy?! Is that what I’m supposed to be Vic? Happy?

Joey: Well, why don’t you tell me what you’re supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out! I talk to you and nothin’. You look at me, and it’s nothin’. (He kisses her) Nothing.

The Director: Tasty! I’m really starting to feel like you guys have a history, it’s-it’s nice.

Kate: I have a question about this scene.

The Director: Yes?

Kate: Well, I don’t understand why Adrienne’s attracted to Victor.

The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he’s good looking.

Joey: Yeah.

Kate: I think my character’s gonna need a little bit more of reason than that.

Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it’s says so in the script! Y’know ah, I-I don’t know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that you’re a bitch.

Kate: It doesn’t say that in the script.

Joey: It does in mine!

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are returning from working out.]

Chandler: I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn’t matter, I still wind up with this little (pats the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. It’s so annoying. Does it bug you?

Ross: You bug me.

[Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by Mark, and they leave on their date, without saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.]

Chandler: Is there any chance you didn’t see that?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is watching a basketball game, Ross is staring out the peephole.]

Chandler: Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can’t just stare through the peep hole for three hours! You’re gonna get peep eye!

Ross: I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y’know, she’d say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does!

Chandler: You didn’t just break up.

Ross: Hey, it’s been like three weeks!

Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets have left guns slower!

Ross: Here they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if she kisses him goodnight, I’m gonna kill myself, I swear. I can’t, I can’t watch this. (turns away, then quickly turns to look again) Come on, date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go, she’s going in.

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: She’s going in. Wait! He’s going in! He’s going in!! The door’s closed! I, I can’t see anything but the door closed!!

Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Ross: Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I have, I have to stop it!

Chandler: Stop what?!

Ross: I don’t know, but I ah, I have the feeling that my being there will do it. I’ll go over and I will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!!

(He starts to exit, but Chandler tries to stop him by climbing on his back and grabbing hold of the foosball table.)

Chandler: No!! You can’t!!

Ross: Look, they must be stopped!

Chandler: I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! (Ross is now dragging Chandler and the foosball table to the door) You are surprisingly strong!

Ross: I need juice! People need juice!!

Chandler: Look man!

Ross: People need juice!

Chandler: Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the door shut with his feet.)

Ross: Juice, I need…

Chandler: She’s moving on! Okay, if it’s not this guy, it’s gonna be somebody else! And unless you’re thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? It’s over.

Ross: Yeah, okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: It’s just I miss her so much.

Chandler: I know. (He rubs Ross’s head)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is pouring Mark some coffee.]

Mark: Why do all you’re coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom?

Rachel: Oh. That’s so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, ‘Where’s number 27?!’

(She sits down, and Mark leans over and kisses her. Rachel doesn’t react. He tries it again, and Rachel jumps back quickly.)

Rachel: Y’know what?

Mark: No. And I don’t think I’m gonna want to.

Rachel: I can’t do this.

Mark: Yep. Yep, that’s what I didn’t want to know.

Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I’m doing this for the wrong reasons, y’know? I’m just doing it to get back at Ross. I’m sorry, it’s not very fair to you.

Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y’know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!

Rachel: Oh God. I’m sorry about this.

Mark: That’s okay.

Rachel: You sure?

Mark: Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself.

[Scene: A Hospital Reception, Monica and Pete are there.]

Spokeswoman: …has become the penicillin of the twenty-first century. And so today, this hospital is about to take major steps toward leading that revolution. It is truly ironic, on one hand consider the size…

Pete: (to Monica) Hey, can I ask you something?

Monica: Sure.

Pete: Where are we?

Monica: (looks around) Well, with all these doctors and nurses, I’m gonna say, midget rodeo.

Pete: Just tell me the truth.

Monica: Okay. Umm, y’know, I don’t think, I don’t think I told you this, but umm, I just got out of a really serious relationship.

Pete: Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that like a year ago?

Monica: So I did tell you. Okay, y’know, that really isn’t the thing. Umm, the thing is that, right now I’m just in a place in my life where I need to focus on me. Y’know what I mean?

Pete: Oh, yeah. I know that.

Monica: I so wanna be attracted to you.

Pete: But you’re not. Okay, good.

Monica: I’m sorry.

Pete: Y’know what, don’t be. This is not, don’t be, ‘cause it’s not so bad.

Monica: It’s not?

Pete: I know I’m no John Bon Jovi, (Monica laughs) or someone who find attractive, I’m just, I think, y’know, that you might end up feeling differently.

Monica: Well, um, look I-I don’t want this to come our wrong, but ah, you seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasn’t attracted too.

Pete: Yeah, stupidly charming isn’t’ it? Well listen let’s, you wanna get something to eat? ‘Cause this place is kinda depressing. (they start to leave)

Spokeswoman: And the man who made all this possible… Mr. Peter Becker.

Pete: (to Monica) One second.

(He takes the scissors, cuts the ribbon, shakes her hand, posses for the picture, and leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is sitting in one of the black chairs, and turns to face the other one.]

Chandler: I don’t think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. (He blows on his hand) Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the foot rest, like a gunfighter in a Western.)

(Joey enters.)

Chandler: (to Joey) I wasn’t doing anything. (Joey starts angrily throwing his stuff down.) Uh-oh, what did she do now?

Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she’s like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!

Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.

Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, ‘Oh, I’m so talented.’ and ‘Oh, I’m so pretty,’ and ‘Ooh, I smell so good.’

Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.

Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y’know?

Chandler: I’m talking about you. You big, big freak.

Joey: Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, you’re out of your mind.

Chandler: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you’d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!

Joey: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?!

[Scene: The Theatre, Kate and Joey are rehearsing the same scene as before.]

Kate: Happy?! Is that what I’m supposed to be Vic? Happy?

Joey: Well, why don’t you tell me what you’re supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out! I talk to you and it’s nothin’. You look at me, and nothin’. (He kisses her, more passionately this time) Nothing.

The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, we’re gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.

Kate: Well, that was ah…

Joey: Better?

Kate: Yeah! Yeah, it was definitely an improvement. G’night.

Joey: Ah, Kate?

Kate: Yeah?

Joey: You ah, you forgot your shoes.

Kate: (she giggles) I’m probably gonna need those. Huh? (she giggles some more)

Joey: Hey, listen you ah….

Kate: Hmm?

Joey: …feel like getting a cup of coffee?

Kate: Umm.

The Director: (leaning in) Kate?

Kate: Yep.

The Director: You ready to go?

Kate: Yeah.

The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)

Kate: So umm, I’ll see you tomorrow, huh?

Joey: Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is in the kitchen chopping vegetables. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting in the living room.]

Phoebe: (to Chandler) Hey! (Chandler looks up, startled) Why isn’t it Spiderman? Y’know like Goldman, Silverman…

Chandler: ‘Cause it’s-it’s not his last name.

Phoebe: It isn’t?

Chandler: No, it’s not like, like Phil Spiderman. He’s a spider, man. Y’know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there’s no Gold Man.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. There should be Gold Man!

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey, Rach, how was work?

Rachel: Oh, great. Although I did sit down where there wasn’t a chair.

Monica: By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff.

Rachel: Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming. I’m just gonna throw it out, it’s probably just a bunch of shampoo and… (she opens the box and stops)

Monica: Something wrong?

Rachel: (She takes the T-shirt out of the box and holds it to her chest and take a deep breath.) No. Nothing. (She smiles and goes into her room.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the black chairs.]

Chandler: So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have?

Phoebe: Okay well, he would turn things to gold.

Chandler: What about things that are already gold?

Phoebe: Ahh, his work is done.

Chandler: Okay, let’s play my game now.

Phoebe: Okay. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-DRAW!! (they both kick up the foot rests like an old fashioned gun fight.)


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