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Archive for the ‘Season 4’ Category


Part I Written by: Michael Borkow
Part II Teleplay by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri
Part II Story by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin
Part III
Written by: Seth Kurland
Part I Transcribed by: Eric Aasen & Marita Bakken
Part II Transcribed by: Aaron D. Miller & Marita Bakken
Part III Transcribed by: Eric Aasen & Marita Bakken

{Transcriber’s Note: This is the Uncut Version of Ross’s second wedding it includes episodes 423, 424, and 501.  It also includes some previously cut parts not shown in the U.S.  Those parts are shown in blue text.}


[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Chandler are getting ready for the flight to London and Monica comes running in.]

Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her apartment.)

Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That’s a lot of Monica.

Joey: What do you got there?

Chandler: Condoms, dude!

Joey (looks at the box): How come the writing is in Spanish?

Chandler: Don’t read my condoms!

[Cut to the girls’ apartment, Monica is putting things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel watch.]

Monica: Passport, check! (As she puts away each item, she says check.) Camera, check! Traveller’s cheques, check!

Rachel: Who are you saying “check” too?

Monica: Myself. Y’know for remembering to pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get a check! (pause) My mom does it, I never realised it was weird.

Phoebe: Yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But it was pretty weird.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey! Are you ready yet?

Monica: Yep! You got the tickets?

Ross: Oh! Got ’em right here, (Pats his coat pocket) check!

[Cut to the guys’ apartment.]

Joey: It’s all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls’ apartment.)

Chandler: You got your passport?

Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. You don’t want to lose that.

(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesn’t know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)

Joey: Ohh!! (Runs to his room.)

Chandler: There it is.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, continued from earlier, Monica is telling Phoebe where everything is.]

Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, it’s in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator…

Phoebe: Okay, okay, but Rachel’s gonna be here too, can’t I just ask her this stuff?

Monica: Yeah, okay, give that a try!

Chandler: (entering, with Joey) All right! Let’s do it!

Joey: Woo-hoo!!

Ross: Yeah, cheerie-o!

Joey: London baby!

Chandler: Okay, ’cause that’s not gonna get annoying.

Joey: (louder) London baby!!

Chandler: Hey, y’know what? I was wrong.

Ross: Well, we’re all here! I guess we should get going!

Phoebe: Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but I don’t-can’t get up.

Ross: Oh, I’ll-I’ll come hug you.

Phoebe: Great! Yeah, could you bring me the newspaper?

Ross: Yeah. (He does so and Phoebe hugs him.)

Phoebe: Oh, have a great wedding!

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too!

Chandler: Hey! (Trots over)

Phoebe: Oh, and great! You might as well bring me my book, it’s on the counter in your apartment.

Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebe’s book as Rachel comes in from her room.)

Ross: (to Rachel) So, we’re off.

Rachel: Have fun!

Ross: Thanks! (They hug.) Ugh, I can’t believe you’re not gonna be there!

Rachel: Oh, I know.

Ross: So-so come! Why don’t you come?

Rachel: What?!

Ross: To London! Come to London. Please? It’ll mean so much to me.

Rachel: Yeah, well, I gotta work, I’m sorry.

Ross: Why-why can’t you take a couple of days off?

Rachel: Because, I can’t! Ross, I told you, no. I can’t.

Ross: This is my wedding.

Monica: All right, y’know what? We really are late! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!!

Ross: Fine. You’ll-you’ll watch it on video when we get back.

Chandler: (entering, with Phoebe’s book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo.

Phoebe: (laughs) Thank you.

(Chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug.

Phoebe: Thank you. (She pats him on his head.)

Ross: All right, let’s go! Bye, Pheebs!

Joey: Bye, Pheebs!

(They all start out, Rachel gives each one a kiss, and says “bye.” In the hall, Joey says…)

Joey: London baby!! (And Rachel slowly closes the door, sadly.)

Phoebe: Oh, do you need a hug? You don’t have to bring me anything!

(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves it’s entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.)

[Scene: Street in front of the London Marriott, Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video camera and is shooting Chandler.]

Joey: Come on! Do something!

Chandler: I am, I’m ignoring you.

Joey: Okay, here! (Gives him the camera.) I wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop, Westminster Abbey. (Joey folds out his “pop-up” map of London. All of the major landmarks pop-up like in a pop-up book.)

Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that?

Joey: It’s London, baby! All right, the hotel’s here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna go… No. I know. (Sets the map down.) I’m gonna have to go into the map. (So Joey literally steps into the map.)

Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it!

Joey: I got it! (Picks up the map and starts walking.) Here we go.

Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, we’re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?

Joey: Shhh! (Pause) Man, you made me lose it! (He goes into the map again.)

[Scene: Another street, somewhere along the River Thames, Ross, Emily, and Monica are walking to where they’re gonna get married. Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer.]

Emily: …and that was all before 10 o’clock. The caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the florist phoned to say there aren’t any tulips. Oh, and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome. We’re not gonna be…

Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, (Gives her the time-out signal.) honey, okay?

Emily: Well, up yours too!

Ross: What?!

Emily: Oh, that’s not what it means?

Ross: No! No! That’s-that’s time-out!

Emily: Sorry.

Ross: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything’s gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on.

Monica: Chicken Kiev?

Ross: Um-hmm! Doesn’t that sound delicious at the last minute?

Monica: Yeah, y’know, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldn’t have to worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.) But of course with salmon you’d have to worry about the chickenella… So, I can’t wait to see this place you’re getting married!

Ross: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily’s parents got married here.

Emily: I still can’t believe they’re tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you’ll ever see. I mean it’s over… (She stops suddenly, when she sees that demolition has already started.) Oh my God!

Monica: It’s nice.

Emily: Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the building.)

[Cut to inside.]

Emily: (running in, with Ross) Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we going to do?

Ross: It’s all right! Everything’s gonna be all right.

Emily: How’s it gonna be all right?!

Ross: Uh-huh, I see that.

Monica: (entering) Okay, I talked to the guy with the shovel and I found out what happened.

Ross: What? What?

Monica: They tore it down a few days early.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey are sitting on the top floor on one of the red coaches in London that doesn’t have a roof. Joey is very enthusiastic and is pointing at all the different sights. Chandler is really embarrassed and tries to make him stop. Afterwards, Joey tries to film Chandler with his video camera, and Chandler obviously hates this. Then, Joey falls asleep, and Chandler tries to take the video camera away from him. However, Joey is holding onto it (in his sleep) and won’t let it go. Chandler pulls until Joey lets it go, causing Chandler to fall out of his seat.]

[Scene: Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler have successfully navigated the streets of London and are approaching the Abbey.]

Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I’ve ever seen. Hey! (Pushes Chandler in front of the camera.) Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?

Chandler: I think it’s great. It’s great. Y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place.

Joey: Really? To what?

Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!!

Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. (He starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.)

[Scene: A bridal shop somewhere in London. Monica is trying on her red bridesmaid dress, and Emily is watching. A dressmaker is working on Monica’s dress.]

Monica: Don’t worry. You’ll find some place to get married.

(The dressmaker puts a pin in the dress, but accidentally pricks Monica with it.)

Monica: Oowww!!

Dressmaker: Sorry. Lucky this dress is red!

Emily: We can’t find another place. Then we can’t have the wedding! I’ve ordered chicken and salad and-and cake for 150. What should be the most wonderful day of my life is rapidly turning into just Sunday with a spectacular amount of food!

Monica: You’re gonna find a place. But even if – God forbid – you didn’t.. So you postpone the wedding. Is that really so bad? I mean, think about it. You could take all the time you needed to get everything that you want. You could have tulips, you could have salmon…. Mmmmm… Salmon!!

Emily: I suppose it wouldn’t be the end of the world… Oh, thank you!

Monica: But either way… You’re gonna get married, you’re gonna be happy, my mom’s gonna like you better than me.

(Emily smiles a bit and looks uncomfortable.)

Monica: Oh, god… She’s told you that already, didn’t she?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is trying to move off of the couch as Rachel enters.]

Phoebe: Oh. Oh.

Rachel: Oh, honey! Don’t get up! What do you need?

Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.

Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything.

Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.

Rachel: Okay, that is all you.

Phoebe: So-so, what do you want for lunch?

Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. I guess we have to eat.

Phoebe: Yeah, I do. What’s the matter?

Rachel: I’m just bummed about the way I left things with Ross. I shouldn’t have lied to him about having to work. He seemed so mad at me.

Phoebe: Eh, don’t be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married…

Rachel: (interrupting) Still in love with?!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: I’m not in love with Ross!

Phoebe: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither.

Rachel: Phoebe, I’m going to Ross’s wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, I’m still in love with him! I mean, hey, y’know, I like Ross as much as the next guy, y’know? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings don’t mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn’t mean that-that I’m still in love with him. Y’know? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him-Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my-why didn’t you tell me?!!

Phoebe: We thought you knew!

Rachel: We?!

Phoebe: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time!

Rachel: You all know? Does Ross know?

Phoebe: Oh no, Ross doesn’t know anything.

Rachel: Oh, I can not believe you didn’t tell me!

Phoebe: Well, because we thought you knew!! It’s so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, “Hey, you like things clean.” Or, y’know, “Hey, Joey, you’re gay.”

(Rachel stares at her.)

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Oh, please! She’s always got a broom in her hand!

[Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler walk up to a souvenir stand.]

Joey: Hey!

The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the market for? We’ve got uh, scarves, tulip post cards…

Joey: Check this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah. That’s the stuff. What do you think?

Chandler: Well, I don’t have to buy that, “I’m with stupid” T-shirt anymore.

Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.)

Chandler: All right, look, you’re not really gonna buy that are you? Don’t you think you’ve embarrassed me enough for one day?

Joey: Oh, I embarrass you?

Chandler: How can I answer that when I’m pretending I don’t know you?

The Vendor: He’s just jealous. You’ll fit right in; all Londoners wear them!

Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them?

The Vendor: (looks around) They’re all tourists.

Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y’know, you’re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.

Joey: Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If you’re gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat.

The Vendor: Good choice.

Joey: Thanks.

Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, that’s it, okay, I’m out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)

(A man walks up to Joey and stares at Chandler and the flower stand. Joey turns around to introduce himself.)

Joey: How you doin’? Joey Tribbiani, America.

(Joey shakes his hand. The man looks at him and his hat.)

[Scene: The hotel, Ross’s room, Emily is entering.]

Emily: Hello?

Ross: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we’ll be able to find a new place for the wedding.

Emily: We don’t have to.

Ross: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place?

Emily: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we put the wedding off for a bit.

Ross: She said what?

Emily: She said, “If I’m not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we find in a day, well then we should just postpone it.”

Ross: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Do you my sister’s teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isn’t right.

Emily: I realise that people are going to be disappointed. But, I’m sure they’ll come back when we can do it right.

Ross: I can’t ask people to do that? Would you ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants)

Emily: Don’t you point your pants at me! (She throws them on the floor.) We have no choice! Anywhere that’s half-decent would’ve be booked months ago, Ross don’t you understand? This is our wedding I’m talking about.

Ross: The only thing I understand is; postponing it is not an option. This is when we’re getting married.

Emily: So what are you saying? It’s now or never?

Ross: No. I’m saying it’s now. (He starts putting on his pants, backwards again.)

Emily: Or?

Ross: There’s no ‘or’ in mind. What is wrong with these pants?!!

Emily: It’s not the pants. It’s you that is backwards. And if, and if you don’t understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn’t get married at all! (She storms out.)

Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please-(He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is on the couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of shopping bags.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: (depressed) Hi.

Phoebe: So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross?

Rachel: Manhattan does not have enough stores.

Phoebe: Well, I think I can help you get over him.

Rachel: You can?

Phoebe: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross.

Rachel: Um-hmm.

Phoebe: And a small piece of chocolate.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.)

Rachel: Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree?

Phoebe: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. I just didn’t feel like getting up. Okay, I’m gonna show you a picture of Ross. Okay? And you’re going to remember all of the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws.

Rachel: I can do that. I certainly did it when we were going out.

Phoebe: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he’s such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Okay, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you’re with Ross okay and imagine that you’re kissing him. And you’re-you’re running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it’s some kind of grease, it’s-uck! Hah?

Rachel: I don’t know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y’know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy.

Phoebe: Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought. Umm, let’s try some uh, aversion therapy.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay?

Rachel: All right.

Phoebe: So uh, now look at the picture…

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: All right, and umm… (She grabs the picture and smacks her in the head.)

Rachel: Ow!

Phoebe: Okay, how do you feel now?

Rachel: Well, I like you less!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s hotel room. Chandler is trying to kick his shoe into a trash can that is standing on the TV. He can’t do it.]

Chandler: Well, this is just as boring in England.

(Joey returns, still wearing his hat.)

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey. (He nods at the hat.)

Joey: Oh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry!

Chandler: No-no-no, y’know what? I really shouldn’t have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn’t cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I’ve had a really lousy day.

Joey: Me too.

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Noo!! I’ve had the best day ever! Dude, check this out! Now, I’m gonna fastforward past the part with you, ’cause it is boring.

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Sh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch something he has taped.)

[Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some famous place in London with a rather famous English-type person.]

Joey: (on tape) Okay, so say hi to my friend and tell him that you like the hat.

Fergie: (Yep, Sarah, the Duchess of York) Okay, so umm, what’s your friend’s name?

Joey: (on tape) Oh, Chandler.

Fergie: Hi Chandler! (Waves)

Chandler: That’s… That’s was…

Monica: Oh my God!

Joey: That’s Fergie baby!!

Fergie: Joey says you don’t really like his hat, but I think it’s kinda dashing.

Joey: (on tape) So, I hear you’re single now…

Fergie: Yeah, ummm, I don’t like the hat that much. (She smiles.)

Chandler: How did you? How? How?

Joey: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I’m in my map and-and…(Ross enters) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily.

Monica: (laughs) Yes, I did! And you are welcome!

Ross: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?!

Monica: Umm…

Chandler: I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

Joey: Wait up! (They both run to the bathroom.)

Ross: Hey-hey, since you’re the ‘fix-it’ lady, here’s a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesn’t want to have the wedding at all?

Monica: She said that?!

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: Why?!

Ross: I don’t know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out.

Monica: Oh my God. You’re even dumber than I am!

Ross: Excuse me?

Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding?

Ross: I don’t know. A month?

Monica: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That’s what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was.

Ross: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the flying nun.

Monica: Sometimes we were.

Ross: Come on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Okay?

Monica: Okay.

Ross: Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks his head out.)

Chandler: That was pretty intense huh?

Joey: Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didn’t think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here!

Chandler: (glares at him) I hope he did!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s. Phoebe is on the couch, and Rachel is sitting on the chair.]

Phoebe: Ooh! I thought of a good flaw! Ross pops his gum!

Rachel: Oh, right! (BEAT) Wait a minute, I do that too.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It drives me crazy.

(The phone rings.)

Phoebe: I’ll get it.

(She answers it.)

Phoebe: Hello.

Joey: (on phone) Hey, Pheebs! It’s Joey!

Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the-that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say ‘hi!’ but then I figured, he doesn’t care if he looks like you.

Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing?

Phoebe: Ohh, they’re having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn’t been helpful at all. So, do you miss me?

Joey: Kinda, but I’ve just been having way too much fun.

Phoebe: So you’re not homesick yet?

Joey: No, I don’t think so.

Phoebe: All right, the seven of us miss you.

Joey: Who’s seven?

Phoebe: Y’know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies…

Joey: Ahh, the babies miss me?

Phoebe: Of course they do! Or I’m just really hungry.

(There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebe’s door.)

Phoebe: Ooh, the pizza guy’s here!

Joey: What? You ordered pizza without me?!

Phoebe: Yeah. But y’know we were thinking about you, y’know we ordered the Joey Special.

Joey: Two pizzas?!

Phoebe: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later.

Joey: Wait, well, where did you get it from?!

(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, he’s happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in.]

Emily: Monica, why have you brought me here of all places?!

Monica: You’ll see.

Emily: I tell you, this wedding is not going to happen.

(At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to light the place up.)

Emily: Oh God.

Ross: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights, okay? And-and y’know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles…

Monica: And the musicians, look, they can go over here (Points to a little alcove), okay? And the chairs can face this way (Points), and… (Points to Ross) You go.

Ross: But-but, if you don’t love this, we’ll do it in any other place at any other time. Really, it’s fine, whatever you want.

Emily: It’s perfect.

Ross: And, I don’t know, if it starts to rain…

Emily: Well then we’ll get wet. (They kiss.)

Monica: Ohh. And I don’t even have a date.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is in her bedroom.]

Rachel: Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: Do you remember where the duck food is?

Phoebe: Yeah, it’s in the guys’ apartment under the sink. Why?

Rachel: (enters with a bag packed) Because I’m going to London.

Phoebe: What?! What do you mean you’re going to London?

Rachel: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don’t have those babies until I get back. (Kisses her stomach.)

Phoebe: But what about all the “finding-his-flaws” stuff we’ve been doing?

Rachel: Yeah, that didn’t work.

Phoebe: I-Rachel, you can’t go! Ross loves Emily!

Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision.

Phoebe: That’s not why you’re going! You’re going because you hope he’s gonna say, “Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy.”

Rachel: Ohh-Do you think he will?!

Phoebe: No! Because he’s in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you’re just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Y’know, it’s too late! You missed you’re chance! I’m sorry, I know this must be really hard, it’s over.

Rachel: Y’know what? No. It’s not over until someone says, “I do.” (Exits)

Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesn’t stop.) I do! (Gives up.) Ugh, like I can really chase you. I’m carrying a litter.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Moving Shot towards The Waltham House. A phone is ringing.]

Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.

Phoebe: Oh…yes..is this..umm..Emily’s Parents’ house.

Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses a person on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak.

Phoebe: What are you saying?!

Housekeeper: Now, let us try that again, shall we?

(The housekeeper hangs up.)

Phoebe: (Shocked) No! Ooh! Oh my god! (Dials again.)

Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.

Phoebe: (In a British accent) Hello. This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it’s not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss Emily Waltham, please?

Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it’s not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye.

Phoebe: No no no, I’ll be nice, I swear!!! Could you just give me the number for where they are?

Housekeeper: I’m afraid, I’m not at liberty to divulge that information.

Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody, alright. So if you don’t give me that number then I’m going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire.

Housekeeper: Hangs up.

Phoebe: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I could kick her ass.

[Scene: Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross and Emily are standing in the reception area. Monica arrives with her parents.]

Monica: Hey.

Ross: (Ross hugs his mom and dad)Hi. Mom. Dad.

Mrs. Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube.

Mr. Geller: (embarrassed) Judy, the kids..

Mrs. Geller: Jack, that’s what they call the subway.

Mr. Geller: Ohh, I thought that you….

Ross and Monica: Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got It!!!

Emily: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham.

Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone’s hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Darling it’s the Gellers. (She pays no attention she’s talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, it’s the Gellers. (She’s still not responding.) She’s very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her.

Mrs. Waltham: (Looking evilly at her husband) Sorry, what?

Mr. Waltham: It’s the Gellers!

Mrs. Waltham: Where?

Mr. Waltham: Well there’s one (pointing towards Jack) and there’s another (pointing towards Judy).

Mrs. Waltham: Lovely to meet you.

Mr. Waltham: Terribly nice of you to offer to pay for half the wedding. (He hands a multipage bill to Jack.)

Mr. Geller: Ohh forget it. Too hell with tradition, we’re happy to do it.

Mrs. Geller: We know how expensive weddings can be, besides this may be the only wedding we get to throw (patting Monica on the shoulder.).

Monica: Ha ha, a joke that’s funny in all countries.

(Ross quickly directs the families to their tables.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey are standing by the kitchen entrance. A waiter comes out.]

Waiter: Sir? (Looking at Joey and holding a tray of food.)

Joey: What’s in it?

Waiter: Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and panchetta. (Joey Looks down disgustingly at the food.)

Joey: (Looking up at the waiter)That’s not food…No, I don’t, no…(Taps Chandler on the shoulder.) Everything’s different here…I want to go home. I…I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I can’t even remember what Phoebe looks like.

Chandler: Joey, it’s been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself.

Joey: (Pointing at Chandler.) Your different here too. Your mean in England. (Chandler throws his hands up to his head in frustration. They walk away from each other.)

[Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross, Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.]

Mr. Geller: (Looking at ht wedding bill.) What the hell!!!

Ross: what’s up, Dad?

Mr. Geller: This bill for my half of the wedding. it’s insane.

Mrs. Geller: How could it be so much? The receptions at their house.

Mr. Geller: (Pointing items out on the bill.) Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest bath, landscaping. I’m paying to remodel this guys house. (Angrily gets up.) I’m going to give that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind.

Ross: (Holding him back.)Dad, dad, please. Look I don’t want anything to upset Emily tonight. Alright, she’s had a hard enough couple of days as it is. (Picks up the bill.) Now here, here, let me go talk to him, okay?

Mr. Geller: And you tell him no one takes advantage of the Gellers.

Mrs. Geller: Ooh, Jack….(He looks over to her) Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be. (They embrace and kiss passionately.)

Monica: (Looking nauseous from her parents kissing.) And I’m going to go get drunk. (Gets up to get a drink.)

[Scene: John F. Kennedy International Airport, Rachel is running to the ticket counter.]

Rachel: Ooh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. (Slightly out of breath) Hi.

Ticket Agent: (Cheerfully.) Hello.

Rachel: (Faking cheerfulness.) Hello. Umm, when is your next flight to London?

Ticket Agent: (looking at her computer terminal) There’s one leaving in thirty minutes.

Rachel: Ohh, good.

Ticket Agent: And I do have one seat left.

Rachel: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred dollars.

Rachel: (Pause) Huh.. How about 600?

Ticket Agent: Sorry.

Rachel: How about 600 and these earrings? (Shows the ticket agent her earrings.)

Ticket Agent: They prefer it if I don’t barter.

Rachel: (looking through her wallet.) Ohh, I just don’t think I have enough left on my credit card.

Ticket Agent: Well you can split it with another credit card.

Rachel: Ohh, okay, how about five. (She hands her all the credit cards.) Ohh, thank you.

Ticket Agent: I’m just going to need to see your passport.

Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you know what? I don’t have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my night stand, and…okay. But you know what? I have my drivers license and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the counter.)

Ticket Agent: (Slides the twenty back and tosses her credit card onto the counter.)

[Scene: The Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross is at the Walthams’ table discussing the bill.]

Ross: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn.

Mr. Waltham: Ahh, then you have to give us the lawn ornaments.

Ross: I go back there with lawn ornaments, he’s going to laugh in my face.

Mrs. Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. (Ross looks frustrated. She begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say something, Steven?! Please!!!

Mr. Waltham: Don’t take that tone with me. (She looks evilly at him.) All-all right you can. (He looks over at Ross and Shrugs.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is dialling the phone and Rachel runs in the door.]

Rachel: (Running to her room.) Hi, Pheebs.

Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and…

Rachel: (Running back out the door with her passport.) Bye, Pheebs.

Phoebe: (Trying to get up.) Wait!! Where are you going?! What are you doing?! No!! Wait!! (Not able to get up.) God!! Why am I always pregnant when she does that?!

[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to make a toast. He clinks his glass, but the napkin is still in the glass. Needless to say, it sounds weird. He takes out the napkin and clinks his glass again.]

Chandler: I’d like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Okay. I known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross looks embarrassed.) And I thought things were going to work out for him.. Until the day he over inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A cellular phone rings.)

Mrs. Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors.

Phoebe: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak with ether one of the best men, or Ross’s sister Monica.

Mrs. Waltham: Who is this?

Phoebe: Oh, I’m Phoebe Buffay. I’m one of Ross’s best friends.

Mrs. Waltham: Where did you get this number?

Phoebe: I got it from your maid. She’s a bitch, but I wore her down.

Mrs. Waltham: Well, if you’re one of Ross’s best friends, why aren’t you here?

Phoebe: Yeah, um, I can’t fly. I’m having my brother’s babies.

Mrs. Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio?

Phoebe: No..umm, could I talk to one of them? It’s very very important.

Mrs. Waltham: No, I’m bored with you now. I’m going to cut you off. (She hangs up.)

Phoebe: Ohh! Okay, I’m going to have to kick her ass too.

Chandler: (Continuing his toast.) And I’m sure we’re all very excited that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall. (No reaction from the people.) Ohh, come on!! Monty Hall!! Lets make a Deal!! Come on, you people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations, Ross and Emily. (He sits down.)

Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now I’m not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy…but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home…Home…New York City…Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could we please..go home now?

(One of the bridesmaids, Felicity, puts her arm around Joey.)

Felicity: (Putting her arm around Joey.) Are you going home? I was hoping to get to know you better.

Joey: (Putting his arm around her.) I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.

[Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa. Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment because of the toast.]

Monica: I was laughing. (Patting him on the knee.)

Chandler: Out loud?

Monica: Well I didn’t want everyone to think I was stupid.

Chandler: So how are you doing?

Monica: My mother’s driving me crazy, but Ross is getting married. I’m happy. (A drunken man approaches.) I’m not going to let anything spoil that.

Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man.

Monica: Well, thanks, we like him.

Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a teenage when you had him. (Monica stares straight forward after the comment. Chandler tries to console her by patting her on the shoulder.)

(Ross and Emily’s parents are seated at a table. Ross is between them and they are discussing the wedding bill.)

Mr. Geller: There’s no way in hell, I’m paying for it.

Ross: Look, were down to just one point. Could we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding.

Mr. Geller: All-right fine, but I just want to say, I’m not paying for your wine cellar. You thieving, would be speaking German if it weren’t for us, cheap little man. (Emily’s stepmum looks shocked. Jack and Judy get up and leave.)

(Chandler’s trying to console Monica.)

Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay? There’s no way, you look like Ross’s mother.

Monica: Then why would he say it?

Chandler: Because he’s crazy. Okay? He came up to me earlier and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic.

Monica: Oh, my mother’s right. I’m never going to get married.

Chandler: Ahh, you know what? That is….Who wouldn’t want you?

Monica: Ohh, Please?! I’m a single mom, with a thirty year old son!!

[Scene: The airport. Rachel runs up to the ticket counter.]

Rachel: Hi, I’m back. Listen, I need to…

Ticket Agent: Hello.

Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o’clock flight.

Ticket Agent: Oh I’m afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate.

Rachel: Okay, you know what?  You’re going to have to call that plane and tell them to swing around and come and pick me up.

Ticket Agent: I can’t do that.

Rachel: Sure, you know what? Come on, we’ll just tell them that there was like a problem with like the “engine”.

Ticket Agent: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to step aside, Miss.

Rachel: Look, If I don’t get to London!! He is going to marry that other girl!!!

Ticket Agent: I can’t imagine why.

Rachel: All right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you call that plane back!! (She pounds her hand on the counter twice. The ticket agent counters by placing the closed sign on the counter and tapping it twice.)

[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Ross bursts into the room.]

Ross: (Screaming) I’m getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!!

Chandler: (With the covers pulled up to his chin.) Morning, Ross.

Ross: I’m getting married, to..day!!

Chandler: Yeah you are!!

Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.)

Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Virgin Atlantic flight to London that Rachel is on.]

Rachel: Ohhh.(she rhythmically taps her hands on the magazine on her lap.)

Passenger: Ahh, ahh, excuse me.

Rachel: Yeah?

Passenger: If you’re planning on doing that throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now. So that I could that a sedative…or perhaps slip you one.

Rachel: Oh. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. Sorry. (She hums and sighs happily.) It’s just, I’m ahh, I’m kinda excited. I’m, ahh, going to London to ahh, tell this guy that I love him and… (He puts his headphones on to ignore her.)

[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Chandler and Monica are lying in the bed together talking. There’s an awkward air between them. They are both clutching the covers in from of them.]

Chandler: Well I’ve-I’ve never done that with you before.

Monica: (In am uneasy voice.) Nope. (She chuckles uneasily.)

Chandler: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya…How ya… You okay?

Monica: Yep, yep…You?

Chandler: Yes…Yes..Uh-huh, You?(Looking over at her. She looks back.) We did you.

Monica: Well…I’d better get going.

Chandler: Oh yea yea, absolutely.

Monica: (Scoots towards the side of the bed.) Could you not look?

Chandler: I don’t want to look.

[Scene: Joey enters his hotel room. The phone is ringing.]

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe: (Angrily.) Hey, were the hell have you been?!

Joey: Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so…

Phoebe: I don’t want to hear about her!!

Joey: Ahh Pheebs, you know you’re still my number one girl.

Phoebe: No! No, we have an emergency. Okay? Rachel’s coming to London.

Joey: Ohh great!!!

Phoebe: No it’s not great. No, she’s coming to tell Ross that she loves him.

Joey: (Confused.) But, he loves Emily?

Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop her!! She’s going to ruin the wedding!!

Joey: Okay.

Phoebe: All right, so, okay…

Joey: Hold on. Hold on. (Picking up a note pad and writing and reading the message aloud.) Rachel coming. Do…Something.

Phoebe: Okay, so I’m done my part, okay. It’s your responsibility now, okay. The burden is off me, right?

Joey: Right!

Phoebe: So tell me about this girl?

[Scene: The plane. Rachel’s telling her story to the passenger on her left. The one on her left is still wearing his headphones.]

Rachel: …And so then I realised. All this stuff I had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn’t come to the wedding. Was all just a way of…

Passenger: (Frustrated he takes his headphones off.) Oh, oh oh!! I’m sorry, can I interrupt? You know I just want to say..That you are a horrible, horrible person.

Rachel: Ehh, pardon me?

Passenger: You say you love this man, yet you’re about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I’m afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs.. This is a..this is a…terrible, terrible plan.

Rachel: But he has to know how I feel!

Passenger: But why? He loves this…this Emily person. No good can come of this.

Rachel: (Sighing) Well I-I think your wrong.

Passenger: Oh-no.(He bites his fist at her.)

Rachel: Well, he doesn’t really love her. I mean, it’s just a rebound thing from me…. You’ll see!

Passenger: Fortunately, I won’t. And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break. (Rachel gasps and doesn’t know what to say. He puts his headphones back on.)

[Scene: The guys hotel room. Joey’s sitting on his bed, holding the note he wrote while talking to Phoebe. He’s patting the note with a pen and staring off into space.]

Joey: Do something….. Something….

(Chandler comes out of the bathroom in a robe.)

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Have you seen Monica?

Chandler: (Very defensive.) I’m not seeing Monica.

Joey: (With a confused look on his face.) What?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Look we’ve got to find her. Phoebe just called!! Rachel’s coming to tell Ross she loves him!!

Chandler: Oh my god!

Joey: I know! That’s why we got to find Monica!! You know where she is?

Chandler: No!! Okay!! What’s with the third degree?! Why don’t you just shine a light in my eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.)

[Scene: The church where Ross and Emily are to be married. Judy, Andrea, and Monica enter together.]

Mrs. Geller: (Looking around at the chapel.) Oh my God! It’s like a fairyland.

Mrs. Waltham: I know, it’s horrible isn’t it?

Monica: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good.

Mrs. Geller: I just hope…

Monica: (Angrily.) You can let some of them go by!(Judy and Andrea go to the front of the chapel. Joey approaches Monica.)

Joey: (Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. I’ll cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross.

Monica: (Awkwardly.) Why would I care where Chandler is? You know uhh…You know sometimes I don’t even like Chandler.

Joey: Okay. (They both walk off to watch for Rachel.)

(Ross and Chandler are standing next to the alter. Ross is practising for the wedding.)

Ross: (Using a slightly different inflection for each.) I do. I do. I do.

Chandler: Oh yea, your right. It’s the second one.

Ross: (Very Nervous)Really?

[Scene: Joey’s in the front entrance watching for Rachel. The bridesmaid he met at the rehearsal dinner come in.)

Felicity: (In a sexy voice.)Hello Joey.

Joey: Hey, Felicity.

Felicity: Umm, I thought about you all day.

Joey: Yeah.

Felicity: Um-hum. Talk New York to me again.

Joey: (In a New York accent.) Fuggetaboutit. (She giggles.) How you doin?

Felicity: Mmm. (She pushes him up against the wall and they begin to kiss.)

Joey: Oh, yeah.

(Back in the chapel. The parents are still fighting over the bill. Ross is refereeing.)

Mrs. Geller: There’s nothing to discuss. We’re not paying for your wine cellar.

Mr. Waltham: (Pleading.) You-you have to meet me in the middle here.

Mr. Geller: (Forcefully.) Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foots going to meet the middle of your ass.

Ross: Dad!! (Emily comes running in.)

Emily: What-what’s going on?!

Ross: Nothing, nothing. Everything’s under control.

Mr. Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is that what your saying? (Pointing at Jack and poking him) You want a piece of me?

Ross: (Stepping in between them.)Okay! Okay! That’s it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day! From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word. NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his mother.) That’s right!!

Mr. Geller: Okay, okay.

Mr. Waltham: Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (Them all walk away. As he leaves he mutters to Jack.) I could kill you with my thumb, you know.

Emily: What was all that about?

Ross: (Sighing.) It was…This disagreement over…(She sighs. Ross notices her in her wedding dress.) My god. You…you look beautiful.

Emily: (Giggles.) Ohh…(She realises that she’s in her gown.) Oh! You were not meant to see me before the wedding. It’s bad luck.

Ross: You know what, I think we’ve had all the bad luck we’re going to have. (He hugs her.)

(The front entrance. Joey and the bridesmaid are up against the wall kissing. Rachel comes in the door and walks by Joey unnoticed. She walks into the chapel and sees Ross and Emily kissing. She looks as though she wants to cry. Emily walks away and Ross turns and sees Rachel standing there.)

Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.) Your here. I can’t believe it. (She giggles.) What happen? Why are you here?

Rachel: Well I just came…(She touches him near his heart. She’s almost in tears.) I just needed to tell you…(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can barely hold back the tears.)

[Scene: Camera fades to one of the band members playing guitar at the wedding. The chapel is full of guest. A groomsmen escorts a bridesmaid down the isle. Joey is waiting with Mrs. Waltham to escort he down the isle. A cellular phone rings.]

Mrs. Waltham: (Answering the phone.) Hello, Waltham Interiors.

Phoebe: Mrs. Waltham. Hi. It’s Phoebe again.

Mrs. Waltham: (Throws her head back in disgust.) Why?!

Phoebe: Yea. Can I please, please, please talk to one of the best men? This is going to be the last time I promise.

Mrs. Waltham: (Slapping the phone into Joey’s chest.) Joey there’s a girl on the phone for you.

Joey: (Smiling.) Ohh great!! (Putting the phone to his ear.) Hello. (He begins to escort her down the aisle.)

Phoebe: Joey, it’s Phoebe. Did you stop Rachel?

Joey: No, but it’s okay. She just came in and gave him a hug, that it.

Phoebe: So nothing got ruined?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Oh that’s so great! Ohh, so what’s going on now?

Joey: Ah, I’m-I’m walking down the aisle…Still walking. (Mrs. Waltham takes her place.) I’m about to pass the bridesmaid I hooked up with last night. (Looking at the bridesmaid.) Hey! (Talking to Phoebe.) I told her “Hey.” And now I’m at the front with Ross. It’s Phoebe. (He shows Ross the phone.) He looks pretty mad. Uh…I’d better go.

Phoebe: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it up so I can listen. (Joey looks at Ross and holds the phone above Ross’s shoulder.)

(Chandler escorts Monica down the aisle.)

Chandler: What we did last night was….

Monica: Stupid.

Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. (He nods his head at the people seated.)

Monica: What were we thinking?

Chandler: I’m coming over tonight though, right?

Monica: Oh yeah. Definitely.

(They quickly take their places and Here Comes the Bride begins to play. Everyone seated looks back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her place by Ross’s side.)

Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily…

Emily: I, Emily…

Minister: Take thee Ross…

Emily: Take thee Ross…

Minister: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Emily: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

Minister: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross…

Ross: I Ross…

Minister: Take thee, Emily…

Ross: Take thee, Rachel…(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realises what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.

(Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the chapel were looking at her.)

Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there?

Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh…Shall I go on?

{Transcriber’s Note: This is orginally where the season four cliffhanger was.  So you all have to wait four months before reading on.}

Emily: Yes, yes, do go on.

(Cut to the parents.)

Mr. Geller: (to Mr. Waltham) He better go on for what I’m paying.

Mr. Waltham: After what he just said, you’re paying for the whole bloody lot.

Minister: I think we’d better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross…

Ross: I, Ross…

Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY

Ross: Take thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily. (Chuckles) Like there’d be anybody else. (Emily is glaring at him.)

Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

(Cut to the Walthams.)

Mrs. Waltham: (to Mr. Waltham) Looks like that might come any minute.

Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. (Points at her.)

Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the rings) Emily, place this ring on Ross’s finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in Emily’s hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever.

Ross: Happy to.

Minister: Ross and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife.

Ross: Yay!

Minister: You may kiss the bride.

(He goes to kiss her, but she isn’t very receptive of the kiss. She keeps avoiding him, until Ross finally gets to kiss her on her cheek.)

Mrs. Geller: (To Mr. Geller) This is worse than when he married the lesbian.

(The band starts to play, and the recessional starts. Ross tries to take Emily’s hand, but she snatches it away from him.)

Emily: Just keep smiling.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.

Chandler: It could’ve been worse, he could’ve shot her.

(Ross and Emily make it to the lobby.)

Ross: (laughs) That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn’t it?

(Emily gives him a forearm shot across the stomach.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Wedding reception, Ross and Emily are in the bathroom and Emily is yelling at him. Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are standing outside the doorway.]

Emily: (Yelling from inside the bathroom) You’ve spoiled everything! It’s like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?!

Joey: (To the gang) Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right?

Ross: (exiting the bathroom) That-that-that’s all right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. I’ll be right out here. (She slams the door in his face, to the gang) She’s just fixing her makeup.

Emily: I hate you!!

Ross: And, I love you!! (He walks into the living room)

Mr. Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross?

Ross: That’s true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)

(Mrs. Waltham’s phone rings and she answers it.)

Mrs. Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors.

Phoebe: (On the phone, in New York) Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller’s personal physician, Dr. Philange.

Mrs. Waltham: Who?

Phoebe: Yeah, I’ve discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women’s names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own.

Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe.

Phoebe: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too!

(Mrs. Waltham hangs up on her.)

Phoebe: Hello? What kind of bitch hangs up on a doctor!

(Cut to Chandler and Monica at the buffet table.)

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Oh wow, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I’m just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship.

Monica: I know. How could we have let this happen?

Chandler: Seven times!

Monica: Ugh! Well, y’know, we were away…

Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country…

Monica: I blame London.

Chandler: Bad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.)

Monica: So look umm, while we’re st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right?

Chandler: Well, I don’t see that we have a choice. But, when we’re back home, we don’t do it.

Monica: Only here.

Chandler: Y’know, I saw a wine cellar downstairs…

Monica: I’ll meet you there in two minutes.

Chandler: Okay!

(He throws down his plate and runs to the wine cellar, Monica is about to follow him but is intercepted by Rachel.)

Rachel: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something.

Monica: (impatiently) Now?

Rachel: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can’t pretend that didn’t happen can I?

Monica: Oh, I-I don’t know.

Rachel: Monica, what should I do?

Monica: Just uh, do the right thing. (Uses some breath spray)

Rachel: What?

Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.)

Rachel: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I’m just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant.

Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, he’s married. Married! If you don’t realise that, I can’t help you.

Rachel: Okay, you’re right. You’re right. You can’t help me.

(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller.)

Mrs. Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents?

Mr. Waltham: (walking by) Yes.

Mr. Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak when there’s no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this?

Joey: Hey, what’s up? (He has solved the problem of eating the steak, he’s eating it with his hands.)

Joey: (motions to himself and Mrs. Geller and grins) You and me, next dance?

(Cut to Rachel who is walking past Mrs. Waltham.)

Mrs. Waltham: Sweetheart, sweetheart…

Rachel: Yes?

Mrs. Waltham: You know, we’re all wondering who this Rachel is. Can you point her out to me?

Rachel: Oh, you know what? Rachel.. She just left. (Points at the entrance.)

Mrs. Waltham: Oh.. Never mind. Who are you?

Rachel: Ra…. Er.. Barbra.

Mrs. Waltham: Red Barbra?

Rachel: Yeah. (Smiles uneasily.)

(Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running up to him.)

Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar?

Chandler: Forget it, that’s off.

Monica: Why?!

Mr. Waltham: (drunkenly) The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes…

(Joey walks up to them.)

Monica: Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn’t eat meat until she has the babies!

Joey: Well, I figured we’re in another country, so it doesn’t count.

Monica: That’s true.

Chandler: The man’s got a point.

(Cut to Rachel and Ross.)

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: Hi. Sorry, things aren’t working out so well.

Ross: Oh no! It could be better, but it’s gonna be okay, right?

Rachel: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she’s gonna get over this, y’know? I mean, so you said my name! Y’know you just said it ’cause you saw me there, if you’d have seen a circus freak, you would’ve said, “I take thee circus freak.” Y’know, it didn’t mean anything, it’s just a mistake. It didn’t mean anything. Right?

Ross: No! No! Of course it didn’t mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily would think it meant something, y’know, because-because it was you…

Rachel: Right…

Ross: But it absolutely didn’t. (Yelling towards the bathroom) It didn’t!! It didn’t!!

Joey: (approaching) Ross, hey, the band’s ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so…

Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the band’s ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says-I don’t care about the stupid band!!

Joey: You spit on me man! (Wipes his face.)

Ross: Look, I’m sorry.

Joey: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh?

Rachel: (laughs) Y’know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame.

Ross: Oh, right!

Rachel: Get the hell out of there, y’know?

(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when they realise what she just said and run over to the bathroom.)

Ross: (Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily? Emily? I’m coming in. (He opens the door to reveal that the window is gone, along with Emily.)

Rachel: Well, look at that, same thing.

[Scene: London Marriott, Monica and Chandler are walking to her room.]

Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, “Yippee!” just ignore me.

(She laughs and opens the door to reveal Rachel sitting on the bed.)

Monica: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi!

Chandler: Oh, hello Rachel.

Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name.

Monica: How did you get in here?

Rachel: If anybody asks, I’m your sister, Joan. Listen. C’mon, you guys. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me!

Chandler: (to Monica) Your sister Joan is crazy.

Rachel: (They both just stare at her.)Y’know what? Fine, I don’t care. Don’t believe me, I know I’m right-do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink?

Chandler: Yes, we do. But, we have to change first.

Monica: Yes, I want to change. And why-why don’t you go down and get us a table?

Chandler: Yeah, we’ll be down in like five minutes.

Monica: (elbows him) Fifteen minutes.

Rachel: Okay.

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! (To them) It’s Phoebe!

Chandler: Oh, yay…

Monica: Great…

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi, so what happened?

Rachel: Well, Ross said my name.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but I don’t think that means anything.

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, y’know what, let’s look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then…

Chandler: (To Monica) Hey, listen, why don’t we go change in my room?

Monica: But my clothes are-ohh! (They both leave.)

(Cut to Chandler’s room, he opens the door slowly to see if Joey is there and after seeing that he isn’t, ushers Monica into the room, closes the door, and the security bar.)

Chandler: Wow, you look…

Monica: No time for that!

(They both start to frantically rip each other’s clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to open the door.)

Joey: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here!

Chandler: Well, I’ve got a girl in here.

Joey: No you don’t, I just saw you go in there with Monica!

Chandler: Well, we’re-we’re hanging out in here!

Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?

Chandler: Well, I suppose I’d have to say you!! But, what if we’re watching a movie in here?

Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. It’s My Giant!

Joey: My Giant? I love that movie!

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s room, Chandler and Monica are still looking for a place to do the deed.]

Monica: You really think this is okay?

Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily aren’t gonna use it.

Monica: Oh, it’s so beautiful. Ohh! Y’know, I-I don’t know if I feel right about this.

Chandler: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn’t get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay!

(They both run to rip the covers off the bed, but are interrupted by Ross.)

Ross: (entering) Emily?!

Chandler: Nope, not under here!

Monica: You didn’t find her?

Ross: No, I’ve looked everywhere!

Chandler: Well, you couldn’t have looked everywhere or else you would’ve found her!

Monica: Yeah, I think you should keep looking!

Chandler: Yeah, for about 30 minutes.

Monica: Or 45.

Chandler: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. (Monica smiles at that.)

Ross: No! For all I know, she’s trying to find me but couldn’t because I kept moving around. No, from now on, I’m staying in one place. (He sits down on the bed.) Right here.

Monica: Well, it’s getting late.

Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna go.

Ross: Actually, do you guys mind staying here for a while?

Monica: Ugh, y’know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York.

Chandler: Yeah, it’s a very large plane.

Ross: (disappointed) That’s cool.

Chandler: But, we’ll stay here with you.

Ross: Thanks guys! (They both sit down on either side of him.) I really appreciate this, y’know, but you don’t have to rub my butt.

(Chandler slowly takes his hand away.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s room, the next morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in Monica’s lap and his feet on Chandler’s lap. Monica and Chandler are both still awake and depressed.]

Chandler: We have to leave for New York in an hour.

Monica: I know, I’ve been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don’t you think?

Chandler: We can’t do that that’s insane. I mean ‘A’ he could wake up and ‘B’ y’know, let’s go for it.

(They both try to slowly extricate themselves from Ross, but there’s a knock on the door that awakens him.)

Ross: Em-Emily? (Looking around for her.) Em-Emily? (He runs to the door.) Emily! (He opens the door to reveal the Walthams standing outside.)

Mr. Waltham: No.

Mrs. Waltham: You can forget about Emily, she’s not with us.

Mr. Waltham: We’ve come for her things.

Ross: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she?

Mr. Waltham: She’s in hiding. She’s utterly humiliated. She doesn’t want to see you ever again.

Mrs. Waltham: We’re very sad that it didn’t work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you’re absolutely delicious.

Mr. Waltham: Excuse me, I’m standing right here!

Mrs. Waltham: Oh yes, there you are.

Rachel: (entering, carrying an armful of those little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, there’s a whole cart outside… (Sees the Walthams and stops.)

Mr. Waltham: Goodbye Geller.

Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that I’m gonna be at that airport and I hope that she’ll be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachel’s name, but it didn’t mean anything, Okay? She’s-she’s just a friend and that’s all! (Rachel sits down, depressed.) That’s all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that you’ll tell her that.

Mr. Waltham: All right, I’ll tell her. (To his wife) Come on bugger face!

Mrs. Waltham: (As she walks pass Ross, she pats his but.) Call me.

Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why don’t you ever go out the bloody window!

 

[Scene: A 747 somewhere over the North Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first class, depressed.]

Monica: Y’know, maybe it’s best that we never got to do it again.

Chandler: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. (Realises something) Y’know, technically we still are over international waters.

Monica: I’m gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I’ll see you there in a bit?

Chandler: ‘Kay!

(Monica gets up and heads for the bathroom, Chandler turns to watch her go and is startled to see Joey sitting in Monica’s seat.)

Joey: Can I ask you something?

Chandler: Uhh, no.

Joey: Felicity and I, we’re watching My Giant, and I was thinking, “I’m never gonna be as good an actor as that giant.” Do you think I’m just wasting my life with this acting thing?

Chandler: No.

Joey: I mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y’know, you think I’ll ever get there?

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: Thanks man.

Chandler: Okay man. (Chandler starts to get up.)

Joey: But what about how much taller he is than me?

(Time lapse, Chandler is finishing his third little bottle of booze.)

Joey: I mean, there’s no way I can make myself taller now, y’know? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man?

(Monica returns.)

Joey: Hey, Monica, wow you’ve been in the bathroom for like a half-hour.

Monica: I know!

Joey: Had the beef-tips, huh?

 

[Scene: An airport in London, Ross is waiting for Emily to show up to go on their honeymoon and sees Rachel walking past.]

Ross: Rach! Rach!

Rachel: (she stops and turns) Hi!

Ross: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here?

Rachel: Well, I-I-I’ve been on Standby for a flight home for hours.

Ross: Oh.

Rachel: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh?

Ross: Not yet.

Rachel: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave?

Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.

Ross: Pretty soon I guess.

Rachel: Yeah. I’m sorry.

Ross: I just, I don’t understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y’know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she’d actually show up?

Rachel: No, you’re not an idiot, Ross. You’re a guy very much in love.

Ross: Same difference.

Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board.

Ross: I get it! Well, that’s that.

Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should go.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it’d be really good.

Ross: Oh, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t know…

Rachel: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you!

Ross: I could, yeah, I can do that.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: I can’t, I can’t even believe her! No, y’know what, I am, I am gonna go!

Rachel: Good!

Ross: I know, why not?

Rachel: Right!

Ross: Right?

Rachel: Right!

Ross: Y’know-thanks! (They hug)

Rachel: Okay, I’ll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here.

Ross: Yeah, well…nah.

Rachel: What? Wait, what?

Ross: Why don’t you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not?

Rachel: Well-well, I don’t know Ross-really?

Ross: Yeah, yeah, it’ll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Ross: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend.

Rachel: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that!

Ross: Okay!

Rachel: Okay!

Ross: Cool!

Rachel: All right!

Ross: Come on! (They go to the jetway, Ross hands the tickets to the gate agent.) Here.

Rachel: Oh, okay, we’re going. Yeah.

Ross: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket!

Rachel: Oh, wait-wait-wait…

Ross: You tell them to wait!

Rachel: Okay. Wait! Wait!

(Ross retrieves his jacket and sees that not only has Emily arrived, but she as seen Rachel take her place on the plane.)

Ross: Emily.

(She stares at him and Ross realises what she’s thinking.)

Ross: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! (Emily starts to run out and Ross chases her.) No! No! Emily!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering a drink for Ross and herself.]

Rachel: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot

Air Hostess: Okay.

Rachel: And uh, (points to Ross’s seat.) he will have a white wine spritzer.

Air Hostess: Okay, good. Thank you. I’ll be back shortly, all right?

Rachel: All right. Woo! (Looks out the window.) Hey, look at that, the airport’s moving. (Realises that that’s not how it works.) Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? They said they were gonna wait! (yells after the air hostess) Miss? Yeah, does the captain know that we’re moving? Oh my… Ross, you better be under the wheels of this thing!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is eating cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hi!

(They all hug.)

Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had sex! (They’re shocked.)

Chandler: No we didn’t!

Phoebe: I know you didn’t, I was talking about Monica.

Monica: Phoebe, I did not have sex.

Phoebe: This pregnancy is throwing me all off.

Joey: All right, I’m gonna go say hi the chick and the duck.

Phoebe: Oh, me too!

Joey: Why would you need to say hi to them, you’ve been feeding them for four days?

Phoebe: Oh right, maybe I’ll just go home.

(She grabs her bag and leaves, Joey moves a little quicker to his apartment, leaving Monica and Chandler alone.)

Monica: Well, we certainly are alone.

Chandler: Yes! Good thing we have that, ‘Not in New York’ rule.

Monica: Right. Umm, listen since we’re-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross’s mother…

Chandler: Right.

Monica: Well, an-anyway, I just-that night meant a lot to me, I guess I’m just trying to say thanks.

Chandler: Oh. Y’know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn’t because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me ’cause, you’re really hot! Is that okay?

Monica: (laughs) That’s okay.

Chandler: And I’m cute too.

Monica: And you’re cute too.

Chandler: Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I gotta go unpack.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Bye.

(After he closes the door, Monica starts to follow him, but thinks better of it and stops.)

Chandler: (entering) I’m still on London time, does that count?

Monica: That counts!

Chandler: Oh, good! (They start kissing.)

End

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The One With Ross’s Wedding – The Uncut Version


Part I Written by: Michael Borkow
Part II Teleplay by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri
Part II Story by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin
Part III
Written by: Seth Kurland
Part I Transcribed by: Eric Aasen & Marita Bakken
Part II Transcribed by: Aaron D. Miller & Marita Bakken
Part III Transcribed by: Eric Aasen & Marita Bakken

{Transcriber’s Note: This is the Uncut Version of Ross’s second wedding it includes episodes 423, 424, and 501.  It also includes some previously cut parts not shown in the U.S.  Those parts are shown in blue text.}


[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Chandler are getting ready for the flight to London and Monica comes running in.]

Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her apartment.)

Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That’s a lot of Monica.

Joey: What do you got there?

Chandler: Condoms, dude!

Joey (looks at the box): How come the writing is in Spanish?

Chandler: Don’t read my condoms!

[Cut to the girls’ apartment, Monica is putting things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel watch.]

Monica: Passport, check! (As she puts away each item, she says check.) Camera, check! Traveller’s cheques, check!

Rachel: Who are you saying “check” too?

Monica: Myself. Y’know for remembering to pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get a check! (pause) My mom does it, I never realised it was weird.

Phoebe: Yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But it was pretty weird.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey! Are you ready yet?

Monica: Yep! You got the tickets?

Ross: Oh! Got ’em right here, (Pats his coat pocket) check!

[Cut to the guys’ apartment.]

Joey: It’s all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls’ apartment.)

Chandler: You got your passport?

Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. You don’t want to lose that.

(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesn’t know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)

Joey: Ohh!! (Runs to his room.)

Chandler: There it is.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, continued from earlier, Monica is telling Phoebe where everything is.]

Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, it’s in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator…

Phoebe: Okay, okay, but Rachel’s gonna be here too, can’t I just ask her this stuff?

Monica: Yeah, okay, give that a try!

Chandler: (entering, with Joey) All right! Let’s do it!

Joey: Woo-hoo!!

Ross: Yeah, cheerie-o!

Joey: London baby!

Chandler: Okay, ’cause that’s not gonna get annoying.

Joey: (louder) London baby!!

Chandler: Hey, y’know what? I was wrong.

Ross: Well, we’re all here! I guess we should get going!

Phoebe: Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but I don’t-can’t get up.

Ross: Oh, I’ll-I’ll come hug you.

Phoebe: Great! Yeah, could you bring me the newspaper?

Ross: Yeah. (He does so and Phoebe hugs him.)

Phoebe: Oh, have a great wedding!

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too!

Chandler: Hey! (Trots over)

Phoebe: Oh, and great! You might as well bring me my book, it’s on the counter in your apartment.

Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebe’s book as Rachel comes in from her room.)

Ross: (to Rachel) So, we’re off.

Rachel: Have fun!

Ross: Thanks! (They hug.) Ugh, I can’t believe you’re not gonna be there!

Rachel: Oh, I know.

Ross: So-so come! Why don’t you come?

Rachel: What?!

Ross: To London! Come to London. Please? It’ll mean so much to me.

Rachel: Yeah, well, I gotta work, I’m sorry.

Ross: Why-why can’t you take a couple of days off?

Rachel: Because, I can’t! Ross, I told you, no. I can’t.

Ross: This is my wedding.

Monica: All right, y’know what? We really are late! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!!

Ross: Fine. You’ll-you’ll watch it on video when we get back.

Chandler: (entering, with Phoebe’s book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo.

Phoebe: (laughs) Thank you.

(Chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug.

Phoebe: Thank you. (She pats him on his head.)

Ross: All right, let’s go! Bye, Pheebs!

Joey: Bye, Pheebs!

(They all start out, Rachel gives each one a kiss, and says “bye.” In the hall, Joey says…)

Joey: London baby!! (And Rachel slowly closes the door, sadly.)

Phoebe: Oh, do you need a hug? You don’t have to bring me anything!

(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves it’s entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.)

[Scene: Street in front of the London Marriott, Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video camera and is shooting Chandler.]

Joey: Come on! Do something!

Chandler: I am, I’m ignoring you.

Joey: Okay, here! (Gives him the camera.) I wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop, Westminster Abbey. (Joey folds out his “pop-up” map of London. All of the major landmarks pop-up like in a pop-up book.)

Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that?

Joey: It’s London, baby! All right, the hotel’s here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna go… No. I know. (Sets the map down.) I’m gonna have to go into the map. (So Joey literally steps into the map.)

Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it!

Joey: I got it! (Picks up the map and starts walking.) Here we go.

Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, we’re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?

Joey: Shhh! (Pause) Man, you made me lose it! (He goes into the map again.)

[Scene: Another street, somewhere along the River Thames, Ross, Emily, and Monica are walking to where they’re gonna get married. Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer.]

Emily: …and that was all before 10 o’clock. The caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the florist phoned to say there aren’t any tulips. Oh, and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome. We’re not gonna be…

Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, (Gives her the time-out signal.) honey, okay?

Emily: Well, up yours too!

Ross: What?!

Emily: Oh, that’s not what it means?

Ross: No! No! That’s-that’s time-out!

Emily: Sorry.

Ross: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything’s gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on.

Monica: Chicken Kiev?

Ross: Um-hmm! Doesn’t that sound delicious at the last minute?

Monica: Yeah, y’know, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldn’t have to worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.) But of course with salmon you’d have to worry about the chickenella… So, I can’t wait to see this place you’re getting married!

Ross: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily’s parents got married here.

Emily: I still can’t believe they’re tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you’ll ever see. I mean it’s over… (She stops suddenly, when she sees that demolition has already started.) Oh my God!

Monica: It’s nice.

Emily: Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the building.)

[Cut to inside.]

Emily: (running in, with Ross) Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we going to do?

Ross: It’s all right! Everything’s gonna be all right.

Emily: How’s it gonna be all right?!

Ross: Uh-huh, I see that.

Monica: (entering) Okay, I talked to the guy with the shovel and I found out what happened.

Ross: What? What?

Monica: They tore it down a few days early.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey are sitting on the top floor on one of the red coaches in London that doesn’t have a roof. Joey is very enthusiastic and is pointing at all the different sights. Chandler is really embarrassed and tries to make him stop. Afterwards, Joey tries to film Chandler with his video camera, and Chandler obviously hates this. Then, Joey falls asleep, and Chandler tries to take the video camera away from him. However, Joey is holding onto it (in his sleep) and won’t let it go. Chandler pulls until Joey lets it go, causing Chandler to fall out of his seat.]

[Scene: Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler have successfully navigated the streets of London and are approaching the Abbey.]

Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I’ve ever seen. Hey! (Pushes Chandler in front of the camera.) Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?

Chandler: I think it’s great. It’s great. Y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place.

Joey: Really? To what?

Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!!

Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. (He starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.)

[Scene: A bridal shop somewhere in London. Monica is trying on her red bridesmaid dress, and Emily is watching. A dressmaker is working on Monica’s dress.]

Monica: Don’t worry. You’ll find some place to get married.

(The dressmaker puts a pin in the dress, but accidentally pricks Monica with it.)

Monica: Oowww!!

Dressmaker: Sorry. Lucky this dress is red!

Emily: We can’t find another place. Then we can’t have the wedding! I’ve ordered chicken and salad and-and cake for 150. What should be the most wonderful day of my life is rapidly turning into just Sunday with a spectacular amount of food!

Monica: You’re gonna find a place. But even if – God forbid – you didn’t.. So you postpone the wedding. Is that really so bad? I mean, think about it. You could take all the time you needed to get everything that you want. You could have tulips, you could have salmon…. Mmmmm… Salmon!!

Emily: I suppose it wouldn’t be the end of the world… Oh, thank you!

Monica: But either way… You’re gonna get married, you’re gonna be happy, my mom’s gonna like you better than me.

(Emily smiles a bit and looks uncomfortable.)

Monica: Oh, god… She’s told you that already, didn’t she?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is trying to move off of the couch as Rachel enters.]

Phoebe: Oh. Oh.

Rachel: Oh, honey! Don’t get up! What do you need?

Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.

Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything.

Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.

Rachel: Okay, that is all you.

Phoebe: So-so, what do you want for lunch?

Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. I guess we have to eat.

Phoebe: Yeah, I do. What’s the matter?

Rachel: I’m just bummed about the way I left things with Ross. I shouldn’t have lied to him about having to work. He seemed so mad at me.

Phoebe: Eh, don’t be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married…

Rachel: (interrupting) Still in love with?!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: I’m not in love with Ross!

Phoebe: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither.

Rachel: Phoebe, I’m going to Ross’s wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, I’m still in love with him! I mean, hey, y’know, I like Ross as much as the next guy, y’know? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings don’t mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn’t mean that-that I’m still in love with him. Y’know? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him-Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my-why didn’t you tell me?!!

Phoebe: We thought you knew!

Rachel: We?!

Phoebe: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time!

Rachel: You all know? Does Ross know?

Phoebe: Oh no, Ross doesn’t know anything.

Rachel: Oh, I can not believe you didn’t tell me!

Phoebe: Well, because we thought you knew!! It’s so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, “Hey, you like things clean.” Or, y’know, “Hey, Joey, you’re gay.”

(Rachel stares at her.)

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Oh, please! She’s always got a broom in her hand!

[Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler walk up to a souvenir stand.]

Joey: Hey!

The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the market for? We’ve got uh, scarves, tulip post cards…

Joey: Check this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah. That’s the stuff. What do you think?

Chandler: Well, I don’t have to buy that, “I’m with stupid” T-shirt anymore.

Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.)

Chandler: All right, look, you’re not really gonna buy that are you? Don’t you think you’ve embarrassed me enough for one day?

Joey: Oh, I embarrass you?

Chandler: How can I answer that when I’m pretending I don’t know you?

The Vendor: He’s just jealous. You’ll fit right in; all Londoners wear them!

Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them?

The Vendor: (looks around) They’re all tourists.

Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y’know, you’re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.

Joey: Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If you’re gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat.

The Vendor: Good choice.

Joey: Thanks.

Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, that’s it, okay, I’m out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)

(A man walks up to Joey and stares at Chandler and the flower stand. Joey turns around to introduce himself.)

Joey: How you doin’? Joey Tribbiani, America.

(Joey shakes his hand. The man looks at him and his hat.)

[Scene: The hotel, Ross’s room, Emily is entering.]

Emily: Hello?

Ross: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we’ll be able to find a new place for the wedding.

Emily: We don’t have to.

Ross: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place?

Emily: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we put the wedding off for a bit.

Ross: She said what?

Emily: She said, “If I’m not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we find in a day, well then we should just postpone it.”

Ross: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Do you my sister’s teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isn’t right.

Emily: I realise that people are going to be disappointed. But, I’m sure they’ll come back when we can do it right.

Ross: I can’t ask people to do that? Would you ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants)

Emily: Don’t you point your pants at me! (She throws them on the floor.) We have no choice! Anywhere that’s half-decent would’ve be booked months ago, Ross don’t you understand? This is our wedding I’m talking about.

Ross: The only thing I understand is; postponing it is not an option. This is when we’re getting married.

Emily: So what are you saying? It’s now or never?

Ross: No. I’m saying it’s now. (He starts putting on his pants, backwards again.)

Emily: Or?

Ross: There’s no ‘or’ in mind. What is wrong with these pants?!!

Emily: It’s not the pants. It’s you that is backwards. And if, and if you don’t understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn’t get married at all! (She storms out.)

Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please-(He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is on the couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of shopping bags.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: (depressed) Hi.

Phoebe: So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross?

Rachel: Manhattan does not have enough stores.

Phoebe: Well, I think I can help you get over him.

Rachel: You can?

Phoebe: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross.

Rachel: Um-hmm.

Phoebe: And a small piece of chocolate.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.)

Rachel: Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree?

Phoebe: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. I just didn’t feel like getting up. Okay, I’m gonna show you a picture of Ross. Okay? And you’re going to remember all of the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws.

Rachel: I can do that. I certainly did it when we were going out.

Phoebe: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he’s such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Okay, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you’re with Ross okay and imagine that you’re kissing him. And you’re-you’re running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it’s some kind of grease, it’s-uck! Hah?

Rachel: I don’t know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y’know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy.

Phoebe: Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought. Umm, let’s try some uh, aversion therapy.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay?

Rachel: All right.

Phoebe: So uh, now look at the picture…

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: All right, and umm… (She grabs the picture and smacks her in the head.)

Rachel: Ow!

Phoebe: Okay, how do you feel now?

Rachel: Well, I like you less!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s hotel room. Chandler is trying to kick his shoe into a trash can that is standing on the TV. He can’t do it.]

Chandler: Well, this is just as boring in England.

(Joey returns, still wearing his hat.)

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey. (He nods at the hat.)

Joey: Oh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry!

Chandler: No-no-no, y’know what? I really shouldn’t have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn’t cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I’ve had a really lousy day.

Joey: Me too.

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Noo!! I’ve had the best day ever! Dude, check this out! Now, I’m gonna fastforward past the part with you, ’cause it is boring.

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Sh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch something he has taped.)

[Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some famous place in London with a rather famous English-type person.]

Joey: (on tape) Okay, so say hi to my friend and tell him that you like the hat.

Fergie: (Yep, Sarah, the Duchess of York) Okay, so umm, what’s your friend’s name?

Joey: (on tape) Oh, Chandler.

Fergie: Hi Chandler! (Waves)

Chandler: That’s… That’s was…

Monica: Oh my God!

Joey: That’s Fergie baby!!

Fergie: Joey says you don’t really like his hat, but I think it’s kinda dashing.

Joey: (on tape) So, I hear you’re single now…

Fergie: Yeah, ummm, I don’t like the hat that much. (She smiles.)

Chandler: How did you? How? How?

Joey: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I’m in my map and-and…(Ross enters) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily.

Monica: (laughs) Yes, I did! And you are welcome!

Ross: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?!

Monica: Umm…

Chandler: I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

Joey: Wait up! (They both run to the bathroom.)

Ross: Hey-hey, since you’re the ‘fix-it’ lady, here’s a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesn’t want to have the wedding at all?

Monica: She said that?!

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: Why?!

Ross: I don’t know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out.

Monica: Oh my God. You’re even dumber than I am!

Ross: Excuse me?

Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding?

Ross: I don’t know. A month?

Monica: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That’s what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was.

Ross: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the flying nun.

Monica: Sometimes we were.

Ross: Come on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Okay?

Monica: Okay.

Ross: Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks his head out.)

Chandler: That was pretty intense huh?

Joey: Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didn’t think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here!

Chandler: (glares at him) I hope he did!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s. Phoebe is on the couch, and Rachel is sitting on the chair.]

Phoebe: Ooh! I thought of a good flaw! Ross pops his gum!

Rachel: Oh, right! (BEAT) Wait a minute, I do that too.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It drives me crazy.

(The phone rings.)

Phoebe: I’ll get it.

(She answers it.)

Phoebe: Hello.

Joey: (on phone) Hey, Pheebs! It’s Joey!

Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the-that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say ‘hi!’ but then I figured, he doesn’t care if he looks like you.

Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing?

Phoebe: Ohh, they’re having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn’t been helpful at all. So, do you miss me?

Joey: Kinda, but I’ve just been having way too much fun.

Phoebe: So you’re not homesick yet?

Joey: No, I don’t think so.

Phoebe: All right, the seven of us miss you.

Joey: Who’s seven?

Phoebe: Y’know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies…

Joey: Ahh, the babies miss me?

Phoebe: Of course they do! Or I’m just really hungry.

(There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebe’s door.)

Phoebe: Ooh, the pizza guy’s here!

Joey: What? You ordered pizza without me?!

Phoebe: Yeah. But y’know we were thinking about you, y’know we ordered the Joey Special.

Joey: Two pizzas?!

Phoebe: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later.

Joey: Wait, well, where did you get it from?!

(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, he’s happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in.]

Emily: Monica, why have you brought me here of all places?!

Monica: You’ll see.

Emily: I tell you, this wedding is not going to happen.

(At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to light the place up.)

Emily: Oh God.

Ross: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights, okay? And-and y’know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles…

Monica: And the musicians, look, they can go over here (Points to a little alcove), okay? And the chairs can face this way (Points), and… (Points to Ross) You go.

Ross: But-but, if you don’t love this, we’ll do it in any other place at any other time. Really, it’s fine, whatever you want.

Emily: It’s perfect.

Ross: And, I don’t know, if it starts to rain…

Emily: Well then we’ll get wet. (They kiss.)

Monica: Ohh. And I don’t even have a date.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is in her bedroom.]

Rachel: Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: Do you remember where the duck food is?

Phoebe: Yeah, it’s in the guys’ apartment under the sink. Why?

Rachel: (enters with a bag packed) Because I’m going to London.

Phoebe: What?! What do you mean you’re going to London?

Rachel: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don’t have those babies until I get back. (Kisses her stomach.)

Phoebe: But what about all the “finding-his-flaws” stuff we’ve been doing?

Rachel: Yeah, that didn’t work.

Phoebe: I-Rachel, you can’t go! Ross loves Emily!

Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision.

Phoebe: That’s not why you’re going! You’re going because you hope he’s gonna say, “Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy.”

Rachel: Ohh-Do you think he will?!

Phoebe: No! Because he’s in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you’re just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Y’know, it’s too late! You missed you’re chance! I’m sorry, I know this must be really hard, it’s over.

Rachel: Y’know what? No. It’s not over until someone says, “I do.” (Exits)

Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesn’t stop.) I do! (Gives up.) Ugh, like I can really chase you. I’m carrying a litter.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Moving Shot towards The Waltham House. A phone is ringing.]

Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.

Phoebe: Oh…yes..is this..umm..Emily’s Parents’ house.

Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses a person on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak.

Phoebe: What are you saying?!

Housekeeper: Now, let us try that again, shall we?

(The housekeeper hangs up.)

Phoebe: (Shocked) No! Ooh! Oh my god! (Dials again.)

Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.

Phoebe: (In a British accent) Hello. This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it’s not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss Emily Waltham, please?

Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it’s not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye.

Phoebe: No no no, I’ll be nice, I swear!!! Could you just give me the number for where they are?

Housekeeper: I’m afraid, I’m not at liberty to divulge that information.

Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody, alright. So if you don’t give me that number then I’m going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire.

Housekeeper: Hangs up.

Phoebe: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I could kick her ass.

[Scene: Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross and Emily are standing in the reception area. Monica arrives with her parents.]

Monica: Hey.

Ross: (Ross hugs his mom and dad)Hi. Mom. Dad.

Mrs. Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube.

Mr. Geller: (embarrassed) Judy, the kids..

Mrs. Geller: Jack, that’s what they call the subway.

Mr. Geller: Ohh, I thought that you….

Ross and Monica: Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got It!!!

Emily: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham.

Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone’s hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Darling it’s the Gellers. (She pays no attention she’s talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, it’s the Gellers. (She’s still not responding.) She’s very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her.

Mrs. Waltham: (Looking evilly at her husband) Sorry, what?

Mr. Waltham: It’s the Gellers!

Mrs. Waltham: Where?

Mr. Waltham: Well there’s one (pointing towards Jack) and there’s another (pointing towards Judy).

Mrs. Waltham: Lovely to meet you.

Mr. Waltham: Terribly nice of you to offer to pay for half the wedding. (He hands a multipage bill to Jack.)

Mr. Geller: Ohh forget it. Too hell with tradition, we’re happy to do it.

Mrs. Geller: We know how expensive weddings can be, besides this may be the only wedding we get to throw (patting Monica on the shoulder.).

Monica: Ha ha, a joke that’s funny in all countries.

(Ross quickly directs the families to their tables.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey are standing by the kitchen entrance. A waiter comes out.]

Waiter: Sir? (Looking at Joey and holding a tray of food.)

Joey: What’s in it?

Waiter: Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and panchetta. (Joey Looks down disgustingly at the food.)

Joey: (Looking up at the waiter)That’s not food…No, I don’t, no…(Taps Chandler on the shoulder.) Everything’s different here…I want to go home. I…I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I can’t even remember what Phoebe looks like.

Chandler: Joey, it’s been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself.

Joey: (Pointing at Chandler.) Your different here too. Your mean in England. (Chandler throws his hands up to his head in frustration. They walk away from each other.)

[Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross, Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.]

Mr. Geller: (Looking at ht wedding bill.) What the hell!!!

Ross: what’s up, Dad?

Mr. Geller: This bill for my half of the wedding. it’s insane.

Mrs. Geller: How could it be so much? The receptions at their house.

Mr. Geller: (Pointing items out on the bill.) Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest bath, landscaping. I’m paying to remodel this guys house. (Angrily gets up.) I’m going to give that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind.

Ross: (Holding him back.)Dad, dad, please. Look I don’t want anything to upset Emily tonight. Alright, she’s had a hard enough couple of days as it is. (Picks up the bill.) Now here, here, let me go talk to him, okay?

Mr. Geller: And you tell him no one takes advantage of the Gellers.

Mrs. Geller: Ooh, Jack….(He looks over to her) Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be. (They embrace and kiss passionately.)

Monica: (Looking nauseous from her parents kissing.) And I’m going to go get drunk. (Gets up to get a drink.)

[Scene: John F. Kennedy International Airport, Rachel is running to the ticket counter.]

Rachel: Ooh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. (Slightly out of breath) Hi.

Ticket Agent: (Cheerfully.) Hello.

Rachel: (Faking cheerfulness.) Hello. Umm, when is your next flight to London?

Ticket Agent: (looking at her computer terminal) There’s one leaving in thirty minutes.

Rachel: Ohh, good.

Ticket Agent: And I do have one seat left.

Rachel: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred dollars.

Rachel: (Pause) Huh.. How about 600?

Ticket Agent: Sorry.

Rachel: How about 600 and these earrings? (Shows the ticket agent her earrings.)

Ticket Agent: They prefer it if I don’t barter.

Rachel: (looking through her wallet.) Ohh, I just don’t think I have enough left on my credit card.

Ticket Agent: Well you can split it with another credit card.

Rachel: Ohh, okay, how about five. (She hands her all the credit cards.) Ohh, thank you.

Ticket Agent: I’m just going to need to see your passport.

Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you know what? I don’t have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my night stand, and…okay. But you know what? I have my drivers license and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the counter.)

Ticket Agent: (Slides the twenty back and tosses her credit card onto the counter.)

[Scene: The Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross is at the Walthams’ table discussing the bill.]

Ross: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn.

Mr. Waltham: Ahh, then you have to give us the lawn ornaments.

Ross: I go back there with lawn ornaments, he’s going to laugh in my face.

Mrs. Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. (Ross looks frustrated. She begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say something, Steven?! Please!!!

Mr. Waltham: Don’t take that tone with me. (She looks evilly at him.) All-all right you can. (He looks over at Ross and Shrugs.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is dialling the phone and Rachel runs in the door.]

Rachel: (Running to her room.) Hi, Pheebs.

Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and…

Rachel: (Running back out the door with her passport.) Bye, Pheebs.

Phoebe: (Trying to get up.) Wait!! Where are you going?! What are you doing?! No!! Wait!! (Not able to get up.) God!! Why am I always pregnant when she does that?!

[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to make a toast. He clinks his glass, but the napkin is still in the glass. Needless to say, it sounds weird. He takes out the napkin and clinks his glass again.]

Chandler: I’d like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Okay. I known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross looks embarrassed.) And I thought things were going to work out for him.. Until the day he over inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A cellular phone rings.)

Mrs. Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors.

Phoebe: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak with ether one of the best men, or Ross’s sister Monica.

Mrs. Waltham: Who is this?

Phoebe: Oh, I’m Phoebe Buffay. I’m one of Ross’s best friends.

Mrs. Waltham: Where did you get this number?

Phoebe: I got it from your maid. She’s a bitch, but I wore her down.

Mrs. Waltham: Well, if you’re one of Ross’s best friends, why aren’t you here?

Phoebe: Yeah, um, I can’t fly. I’m having my brother’s babies.

Mrs. Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio?

Phoebe: No..umm, could I talk to one of them? It’s very very important.

Mrs. Waltham: No, I’m bored with you now. I’m going to cut you off. (She hangs up.)

Phoebe: Ohh! Okay, I’m going to have to kick her ass too.

Chandler: (Continuing his toast.) And I’m sure we’re all very excited that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall. (No reaction from the people.) Ohh, come on!! Monty Hall!! Lets make a Deal!! Come on, you people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations, Ross and Emily. (He sits down.)

Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now I’m not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy…but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home…Home…New York City…Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could we please..go home now?

(One of the bridesmaids, Felicity, puts her arm around Joey.)

Felicity: (Putting her arm around Joey.) Are you going home? I was hoping to get to know you better.

Joey: (Putting his arm around her.) I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.

[Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa. Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment because of the toast.]

Monica: I was laughing. (Patting him on the knee.)

Chandler: Out loud?

Monica: Well I didn’t want everyone to think I was stupid.

Chandler: So how are you doing?

Monica: My mother’s driving me crazy, but Ross is getting married. I’m happy. (A drunken man approaches.) I’m not going to let anything spoil that.

Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man.

Monica: Well, thanks, we like him.

Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a teenage when you had him. (Monica stares straight forward after the comment. Chandler tries to console her by patting her on the shoulder.)

(Ross and Emily’s parents are seated at a table. Ross is between them and they are discussing the wedding bill.)

Mr. Geller: There’s no way in hell, I’m paying for it.

Ross: Look, were down to just one point. Could we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding.

Mr. Geller: All-right fine, but I just want to say, I’m not paying for your wine cellar. You thieving, would be speaking German if it weren’t for us, cheap little man. (Emily’s stepmum looks shocked. Jack and Judy get up and leave.)

(Chandler’s trying to console Monica.)

Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay? There’s no way, you look like Ross’s mother.

Monica: Then why would he say it?

Chandler: Because he’s crazy. Okay? He came up to me earlier and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic.

Monica: Oh, my mother’s right. I’m never going to get married.

Chandler: Ahh, you know what? That is….Who wouldn’t want you?

Monica: Ohh, Please?! I’m a single mom, with a thirty year old son!!

[Scene: The airport. Rachel runs up to the ticket counter.]

Rachel: Hi, I’m back. Listen, I need to…

Ticket Agent: Hello.

Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o’clock flight.

Ticket Agent: Oh I’m afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate.

Rachel: Okay, you know what?  You’re going to have to call that plane and tell them to swing around and come and pick me up.

Ticket Agent: I can’t do that.

Rachel: Sure, you know what? Come on, we’ll just tell them that there was like a problem with like the “engine”.

Ticket Agent: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to step aside, Miss.

Rachel: Look, If I don’t get to London!! He is going to marry that other girl!!!

Ticket Agent: I can’t imagine why.

Rachel: All right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you call that plane back!! (She pounds her hand on the counter twice. The ticket agent counters by placing the closed sign on the counter and tapping it twice.)

[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Ross bursts into the room.]

Ross: (Screaming) I’m getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!!

Chandler: (With the covers pulled up to his chin.) Morning, Ross.

Ross: I’m getting married, to..day!!

Chandler: Yeah you are!!

Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.)

Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Virgin Atlantic flight to London that Rachel is on.]

Rachel: Ohhh.(she rhythmically taps her hands on the magazine on her lap.)

Passenger: Ahh, ahh, excuse me.

Rachel: Yeah?

Passenger: If you’re planning on doing that throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now. So that I could that a sedative…or perhaps slip you one.

Rachel: Oh. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. Sorry. (She hums and sighs happily.) It’s just, I’m ahh, I’m kinda excited. I’m, ahh, going to London to ahh, tell this guy that I love him and… (He puts his headphones on to ignore her.)

[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Chandler and Monica are lying in the bed together talking. There’s an awkward air between them. They are both clutching the covers in from of them.]

Chandler: Well I’ve-I’ve never done that with you before.

Monica: (In am uneasy voice.) Nope. (She chuckles uneasily.)

Chandler: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya…How ya… You okay?

Monica: Yep, yep…You?

Chandler: Yes…Yes..Uh-huh, You?(Looking over at her. She looks back.) We did you.

Monica: Well…I’d better get going.

Chandler: Oh yea yea, absolutely.

Monica: (Scoots towards the side of the bed.) Could you not look?

Chandler: I don’t want to look.

[Scene: Joey enters his hotel room. The phone is ringing.]

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe: (Angrily.) Hey, were the hell have you been?!

Joey: Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so…

Phoebe: I don’t want to hear about her!!

Joey: Ahh Pheebs, you know you’re still my number one girl.

Phoebe: No! No, we have an emergency. Okay? Rachel’s coming to London.

Joey: Ohh great!!!

Phoebe: No it’s not great. No, she’s coming to tell Ross that she loves him.

Joey: (Confused.) But, he loves Emily?

Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop her!! She’s going to ruin the wedding!!

Joey: Okay.

Phoebe: All right, so, okay…

Joey: Hold on. Hold on. (Picking up a note pad and writing and reading the message aloud.) Rachel coming. Do…Something.

Phoebe: Okay, so I’m done my part, okay. It’s your responsibility now, okay. The burden is off me, right?

Joey: Right!

Phoebe: So tell me about this girl?

[Scene: The plane. Rachel’s telling her story to the passenger on her left. The one on her left is still wearing his headphones.]

Rachel: …And so then I realised. All this stuff I had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn’t come to the wedding. Was all just a way of…

Passenger: (Frustrated he takes his headphones off.) Oh, oh oh!! I’m sorry, can I interrupt? You know I just want to say..That you are a horrible, horrible person.

Rachel: Ehh, pardon me?

Passenger: You say you love this man, yet you’re about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I’m afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs.. This is a..this is a…terrible, terrible plan.

Rachel: But he has to know how I feel!

Passenger: But why? He loves this…this Emily person. No good can come of this.

Rachel: (Sighing) Well I-I think your wrong.

Passenger: Oh-no.(He bites his fist at her.)

Rachel: Well, he doesn’t really love her. I mean, it’s just a rebound thing from me…. You’ll see!

Passenger: Fortunately, I won’t. And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break. (Rachel gasps and doesn’t know what to say. He puts his headphones back on.)

[Scene: The guys hotel room. Joey’s sitting on his bed, holding the note he wrote while talking to Phoebe. He’s patting the note with a pen and staring off into space.]

Joey: Do something….. Something….

(Chandler comes out of the bathroom in a robe.)

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Have you seen Monica?

Chandler: (Very defensive.) I’m not seeing Monica.

Joey: (With a confused look on his face.) What?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Look we’ve got to find her. Phoebe just called!! Rachel’s coming to tell Ross she loves him!!

Chandler: Oh my god!

Joey: I know! That’s why we got to find Monica!! You know where she is?

Chandler: No!! Okay!! What’s with the third degree?! Why don’t you just shine a light in my eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.)

[Scene: The church where Ross and Emily are to be married. Judy, Andrea, and Monica enter together.]

Mrs. Geller: (Looking around at the chapel.) Oh my God! It’s like a fairyland.

Mrs. Waltham: I know, it’s horrible isn’t it?

Monica: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good.

Mrs. Geller: I just hope…

Monica: (Angrily.) You can let some of them go by!(Judy and Andrea go to the front of the chapel. Joey approaches Monica.)

Joey: (Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. I’ll cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross.

Monica: (Awkwardly.) Why would I care where Chandler is? You know uhh…You know sometimes I don’t even like Chandler.

Joey: Okay. (They both walk off to watch for Rachel.)

(Ross and Chandler are standing next to the alter. Ross is practising for the wedding.)

Ross: (Using a slightly different inflection for each.) I do. I do. I do.

Chandler: Oh yea, your right. It’s the second one.

Ross: (Very Nervous)Really?

[Scene: Joey’s in the front entrance watching for Rachel. The bridesmaid he met at the rehearsal dinner come in.)

Felicity: (In a sexy voice.)Hello Joey.

Joey: Hey, Felicity.

Felicity: Umm, I thought about you all day.

Joey: Yeah.

Felicity: Um-hum. Talk New York to me again.

Joey: (In a New York accent.) Fuggetaboutit. (She giggles.) How you doin?

Felicity: Mmm. (She pushes him up against the wall and they begin to kiss.)

Joey: Oh, yeah.

(Back in the chapel. The parents are still fighting over the bill. Ross is refereeing.)

Mrs. Geller: There’s nothing to discuss. We’re not paying for your wine cellar.

Mr. Waltham: (Pleading.) You-you have to meet me in the middle here.

Mr. Geller: (Forcefully.) Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foots going to meet the middle of your ass.

Ross: Dad!! (Emily comes running in.)

Emily: What-what’s going on?!

Ross: Nothing, nothing. Everything’s under control.

Mr. Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is that what your saying? (Pointing at Jack and poking him) You want a piece of me?

Ross: (Stepping in between them.)Okay! Okay! That’s it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day! From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word. NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his mother.) That’s right!!

Mr. Geller: Okay, okay.

Mr. Waltham: Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (Them all walk away. As he leaves he mutters to Jack.) I could kill you with my thumb, you know.

Emily: What was all that about?

Ross: (Sighing.) It was…This disagreement over…(She sighs. Ross notices her in her wedding dress.) My god. You…you look beautiful.

Emily: (Giggles.) Ohh…(She realises that she’s in her gown.) Oh! You were not meant to see me before the wedding. It’s bad luck.

Ross: You know what, I think we’ve had all the bad luck we’re going to have. (He hugs her.)

(The front entrance. Joey and the bridesmaid are up against the wall kissing. Rachel comes in the door and walks by Joey unnoticed. She walks into the chapel and sees Ross and Emily kissing. She looks as though she wants to cry. Emily walks away and Ross turns and sees Rachel standing there.)

Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.) Your here. I can’t believe it. (She giggles.) What happen? Why are you here?

Rachel: Well I just came…(She touches him near his heart. She’s almost in tears.) I just needed to tell you…(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can barely hold back the tears.)

[Scene: Camera fades to one of the band members playing guitar at the wedding. The chapel is full of guest. A groomsmen escorts a bridesmaid down the isle. Joey is waiting with Mrs. Waltham to escort he down the isle. A cellular phone rings.]

Mrs. Waltham: (Answering the phone.) Hello, Waltham Interiors.

Phoebe: Mrs. Waltham. Hi. It’s Phoebe again.

Mrs. Waltham: (Throws her head back in disgust.) Why?!

Phoebe: Yea. Can I please, please, please talk to one of the best men? This is going to be the last time I promise.

Mrs. Waltham: (Slapping the phone into Joey’s chest.) Joey there’s a girl on the phone for you.

Joey: (Smiling.) Ohh great!! (Putting the phone to his ear.) Hello. (He begins to escort her down the aisle.)

Phoebe: Joey, it’s Phoebe. Did you stop Rachel?

Joey: No, but it’s okay. She just came in and gave him a hug, that it.

Phoebe: So nothing got ruined?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Oh that’s so great! Ohh, so what’s going on now?

Joey: Ah, I’m-I’m walking down the aisle…Still walking. (Mrs. Waltham takes her place.) I’m about to pass the bridesmaid I hooked up with last night. (Looking at the bridesmaid.) Hey! (Talking to Phoebe.) I told her “Hey.” And now I’m at the front with Ross. It’s Phoebe. (He shows Ross the phone.) He looks pretty mad. Uh…I’d better go.

Phoebe: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it up so I can listen. (Joey looks at Ross and holds the phone above Ross’s shoulder.)

(Chandler escorts Monica down the aisle.)

Chandler: What we did last night was….

Monica: Stupid.

Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. (He nods his head at the people seated.)

Monica: What were we thinking?

Chandler: I’m coming over tonight though, right?

Monica: Oh yeah. Definitely.

(They quickly take their places and Here Comes the Bride begins to play. Everyone seated looks back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her place by Ross’s side.)

Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily…

Emily: I, Emily…

Minister: Take thee Ross…

Emily: Take thee Ross…

Minister: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Emily: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death parts us.

Minister: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross…

Ross: I Ross…

Minister: Take thee, Emily…

Ross: Take thee, Rachel…(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realises what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.

(Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the chapel were looking at her.)

Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there?

Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh…Shall I go on?

{Transcriber’s Note: This is orginally where the season four cliffhanger was.  So you all have to wait four months before reading on.}

Emily: Yes, yes, do go on.

(Cut to the parents.)

Mr. Geller: (to Mr. Waltham) He better go on for what I’m paying.

Mr. Waltham: After what he just said, you’re paying for the whole bloody lot.

Minister: I think we’d better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross…

Ross: I, Ross…

Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY

Ross: Take thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily. (Chuckles) Like there’d be anybody else. (Emily is glaring at him.)

Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

(Cut to the Walthams.)

Mrs. Waltham: (to Mr. Waltham) Looks like that might come any minute.

Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. (Points at her.)

Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the rings) Emily, place this ring on Ross’s finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in Emily’s hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever.

Ross: Happy to.

Minister: Ross and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife.

Ross: Yay!

Minister: You may kiss the bride.

(He goes to kiss her, but she isn’t very receptive of the kiss. She keeps avoiding him, until Ross finally gets to kiss her on her cheek.)

Mrs. Geller: (To Mr. Geller) This is worse than when he married the lesbian.

(The band starts to play, and the recessional starts. Ross tries to take Emily’s hand, but she snatches it away from him.)

Emily: Just keep smiling.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.

Chandler: It could’ve been worse, he could’ve shot her.

(Ross and Emily make it to the lobby.)

Ross: (laughs) That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn’t it?

(Emily gives him a forearm shot across the stomach.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Wedding reception, Ross and Emily are in the bathroom and Emily is yelling at him. Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are standing outside the doorway.]

Emily: (Yelling from inside the bathroom) You’ve spoiled everything! It’s like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?!

Joey: (To the gang) Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right?

Ross: (exiting the bathroom) That-that-that’s all right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. I’ll be right out here. (She slams the door in his face, to the gang) She’s just fixing her makeup.

Emily: I hate you!!

Ross: And, I love you!! (He walks into the living room)

Mr. Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross?

Ross: That’s true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)

(Mrs. Waltham’s phone rings and she answers it.)

Mrs. Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors.

Phoebe: (On the phone, in New York) Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller’s personal physician, Dr. Philange.

Mrs. Waltham: Who?

Phoebe: Yeah, I’ve discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women’s names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own.

Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe.

Phoebe: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too!

(Mrs. Waltham hangs up on her.)

Phoebe: Hello? What kind of bitch hangs up on a doctor!

(Cut to Chandler and Monica at the buffet table.)

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Oh wow, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I’m just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship.

Monica: I know. How could we have let this happen?

Chandler: Seven times!

Monica: Ugh! Well, y’know, we were away…

Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country…

Monica: I blame London.

Chandler: Bad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.)

Monica: So look umm, while we’re st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right?

Chandler: Well, I don’t see that we have a choice. But, when we’re back home, we don’t do it.

Monica: Only here.

Chandler: Y’know, I saw a wine cellar downstairs…

Monica: I’ll meet you there in two minutes.

Chandler: Okay!

(He throws down his plate and runs to the wine cellar, Monica is about to follow him but is intercepted by Rachel.)

Rachel: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something.

Monica: (impatiently) Now?

Rachel: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can’t pretend that didn’t happen can I?

Monica: Oh, I-I don’t know.

Rachel: Monica, what should I do?

Monica: Just uh, do the right thing. (Uses some breath spray)

Rachel: What?

Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.)

Rachel: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I’m just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant.

Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, he’s married. Married! If you don’t realise that, I can’t help you.

Rachel: Okay, you’re right. You’re right. You can’t help me.

(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller.)

Mrs. Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents?

Mr. Waltham: (walking by) Yes.

Mr. Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak when there’s no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this?

Joey: Hey, what’s up? (He has solved the problem of eating the steak, he’s eating it with his hands.)

Joey: (motions to himself and Mrs. Geller and grins) You and me, next dance?

(Cut to Rachel who is walking past Mrs. Waltham.)

Mrs. Waltham: Sweetheart, sweetheart…

Rachel: Yes?

Mrs. Waltham: You know, we’re all wondering who this Rachel is. Can you point her out to me?

Rachel: Oh, you know what? Rachel.. She just left. (Points at the entrance.)

Mrs. Waltham: Oh.. Never mind. Who are you?

Rachel: Ra…. Er.. Barbra.

Mrs. Waltham: Red Barbra?

Rachel: Yeah. (Smiles uneasily.)

(Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running up to him.)

Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar?

Chandler: Forget it, that’s off.

Monica: Why?!

Mr. Waltham: (drunkenly) The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes…

(Joey walks up to them.)

Monica: Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn’t eat meat until she has the babies!

Joey: Well, I figured we’re in another country, so it doesn’t count.

Monica: That’s true.

Chandler: The man’s got a point.

(Cut to Rachel and Ross.)

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: Hi. Sorry, things aren’t working out so well.

Ross: Oh no! It could be better, but it’s gonna be okay, right?

Rachel: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she’s gonna get over this, y’know? I mean, so you said my name! Y’know you just said it ’cause you saw me there, if you’d have seen a circus freak, you would’ve said, “I take thee circus freak.” Y’know, it didn’t mean anything, it’s just a mistake. It didn’t mean anything. Right?

Ross: No! No! Of course it didn’t mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily would think it meant something, y’know, because-because it was you…

Rachel: Right…

Ross: But it absolutely didn’t. (Yelling towards the bathroom) It didn’t!! It didn’t!!

Joey: (approaching) Ross, hey, the band’s ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so…

Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the band’s ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says-I don’t care about the stupid band!!

Joey: You spit on me man! (Wipes his face.)

Ross: Look, I’m sorry.

Joey: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh?

Rachel: (laughs) Y’know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame.

Ross: Oh, right!

Rachel: Get the hell out of there, y’know?

(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when they realise what she just said and run over to the bathroom.)

Ross: (Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily? Emily? I’m coming in. (He opens the door to reveal that the window is gone, along with Emily.)

Rachel: Well, look at that, same thing.

[Scene: London Marriott, Monica and Chandler are walking to her room.]

Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, “Yippee!” just ignore me.

(She laughs and opens the door to reveal Rachel sitting on the bed.)

Monica: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi!

Chandler: Oh, hello Rachel.

Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name.

Monica: How did you get in here?

Rachel: If anybody asks, I’m your sister, Joan. Listen. C’mon, you guys. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me!

Chandler: (to Monica) Your sister Joan is crazy.

Rachel: (They both just stare at her.)Y’know what? Fine, I don’t care. Don’t believe me, I know I’m right-do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink?

Chandler: Yes, we do. But, we have to change first.

Monica: Yes, I want to change. And why-why don’t you go down and get us a table?

Chandler: Yeah, we’ll be down in like five minutes.

Monica: (elbows him) Fifteen minutes.

Rachel: Okay.

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! (To them) It’s Phoebe!

Chandler: Oh, yay…

Monica: Great…

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi, so what happened?

Rachel: Well, Ross said my name.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but I don’t think that means anything.

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, y’know what, let’s look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then…

Chandler: (To Monica) Hey, listen, why don’t we go change in my room?

Monica: But my clothes are-ohh! (They both leave.)

(Cut to Chandler’s room, he opens the door slowly to see if Joey is there and after seeing that he isn’t, ushers Monica into the room, closes the door, and the security bar.)

Chandler: Wow, you look…

Monica: No time for that!

(They both start to frantically rip each other’s clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to open the door.)

Joey: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here!

Chandler: Well, I’ve got a girl in here.

Joey: No you don’t, I just saw you go in there with Monica!

Chandler: Well, we’re-we’re hanging out in here!

Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?

Chandler: Well, I suppose I’d have to say you!! But, what if we’re watching a movie in here?

Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. It’s My Giant!

Joey: My Giant? I love that movie!

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s room, Chandler and Monica are still looking for a place to do the deed.]

Monica: You really think this is okay?

Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily aren’t gonna use it.

Monica: Oh, it’s so beautiful. Ohh! Y’know, I-I don’t know if I feel right about this.

Chandler: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn’t get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay!

(They both run to rip the covers off the bed, but are interrupted by Ross.)

Ross: (entering) Emily?!

Chandler: Nope, not under here!

Monica: You didn’t find her?

Ross: No, I’ve looked everywhere!

Chandler: Well, you couldn’t have looked everywhere or else you would’ve found her!

Monica: Yeah, I think you should keep looking!

Chandler: Yeah, for about 30 minutes.

Monica: Or 45.

Chandler: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. (Monica smiles at that.)

Ross: No! For all I know, she’s trying to find me but couldn’t because I kept moving around. No, from now on, I’m staying in one place. (He sits down on the bed.) Right here.

Monica: Well, it’s getting late.

Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna go.

Ross: Actually, do you guys mind staying here for a while?

Monica: Ugh, y’know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York.

Chandler: Yeah, it’s a very large plane.

Ross: (disappointed) That’s cool.

Chandler: But, we’ll stay here with you.

Ross: Thanks guys! (They both sit down on either side of him.) I really appreciate this, y’know, but you don’t have to rub my butt.

(Chandler slowly takes his hand away.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s room, the next morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in Monica’s lap and his feet on Chandler’s lap. Monica and Chandler are both still awake and depressed.]

Chandler: We have to leave for New York in an hour.

Monica: I know, I’ve been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don’t you think?

Chandler: We can’t do that that’s insane. I mean ‘A’ he could wake up and ‘B’ y’know, let’s go for it.

(They both try to slowly extricate themselves from Ross, but there’s a knock on the door that awakens him.)

Ross: Em-Emily? (Looking around for her.) Em-Emily? (He runs to the door.) Emily! (He opens the door to reveal the Walthams standing outside.)

Mr. Waltham: No.

Mrs. Waltham: You can forget about Emily, she’s not with us.

Mr. Waltham: We’ve come for her things.

Ross: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she?

Mr. Waltham: She’s in hiding. She’s utterly humiliated. She doesn’t want to see you ever again.

Mrs. Waltham: We’re very sad that it didn’t work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you’re absolutely delicious.

Mr. Waltham: Excuse me, I’m standing right here!

Mrs. Waltham: Oh yes, there you are.

Rachel: (entering, carrying an armful of those little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, there’s a whole cart outside… (Sees the Walthams and stops.)

Mr. Waltham: Goodbye Geller.

Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that I’m gonna be at that airport and I hope that she’ll be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachel’s name, but it didn’t mean anything, Okay? She’s-she’s just a friend and that’s all! (Rachel sits down, depressed.) That’s all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that you’ll tell her that.

Mr. Waltham: All right, I’ll tell her. (To his wife) Come on bugger face!

Mrs. Waltham: (As she walks pass Ross, she pats his but.) Call me.

Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why don’t you ever go out the bloody window!

 

[Scene: A 747 somewhere over the North Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first class, depressed.]

Monica: Y’know, maybe it’s best that we never got to do it again.

Chandler: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. (Realises something) Y’know, technically we still are over international waters.

Monica: I’m gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I’ll see you there in a bit?

Chandler: ‘Kay!

(Monica gets up and heads for the bathroom, Chandler turns to watch her go and is startled to see Joey sitting in Monica’s seat.)

Joey: Can I ask you something?

Chandler: Uhh, no.

Joey: Felicity and I, we’re watching My Giant, and I was thinking, “I’m never gonna be as good an actor as that giant.” Do you think I’m just wasting my life with this acting thing?

Chandler: No.

Joey: I mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y’know, you think I’ll ever get there?

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: Thanks man.

Chandler: Okay man. (Chandler starts to get up.)

Joey: But what about how much taller he is than me?

(Time lapse, Chandler is finishing his third little bottle of booze.)

Joey: I mean, there’s no way I can make myself taller now, y’know? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man?

(Monica returns.)

Joey: Hey, Monica, wow you’ve been in the bathroom for like a half-hour.

Monica: I know!

Joey: Had the beef-tips, huh?

 

[Scene: An airport in London, Ross is waiting for Emily to show up to go on their honeymoon and sees Rachel walking past.]

Ross: Rach! Rach!

Rachel: (she stops and turns) Hi!

Ross: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here?

Rachel: Well, I-I-I’ve been on Standby for a flight home for hours.

Ross: Oh.

Rachel: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh?

Ross: Not yet.

Rachel: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave?

Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.

Ross: Pretty soon I guess.

Rachel: Yeah. I’m sorry.

Ross: I just, I don’t understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y’know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she’d actually show up?

Rachel: No, you’re not an idiot, Ross. You’re a guy very much in love.

Ross: Same difference.

Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board.

Ross: I get it! Well, that’s that.

Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should go.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it’d be really good.

Ross: Oh, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t know…

Rachel: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you!

Ross: I could, yeah, I can do that.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: I can’t, I can’t even believe her! No, y’know what, I am, I am gonna go!

Rachel: Good!

Ross: I know, why not?

Rachel: Right!

Ross: Right?

Rachel: Right!

Ross: Y’know-thanks! (They hug)

Rachel: Okay, I’ll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here.

Ross: Yeah, well…nah.

Rachel: What? Wait, what?

Ross: Why don’t you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not?

Rachel: Well-well, I don’t know Ross-really?

Ross: Yeah, yeah, it’ll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Ross: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend.

Rachel: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that!

Ross: Okay!

Rachel: Okay!

Ross: Cool!

Rachel: All right!

Ross: Come on! (They go to the jetway, Ross hands the tickets to the gate agent.) Here.

Rachel: Oh, okay, we’re going. Yeah.

Ross: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket!

Rachel: Oh, wait-wait-wait…

Ross: You tell them to wait!

Rachel: Okay. Wait! Wait!

(Ross retrieves his jacket and sees that not only has Emily arrived, but she as seen Rachel take her place on the plane.)

Ross: Emily.

(She stares at him and Ross realises what she’s thinking.)

Ross: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! (Emily starts to run out and Ross chases her.) No! No! Emily!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering a drink for Ross and herself.]

Rachel: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot

Air Hostess: Okay.

Rachel: And uh, (points to Ross’s seat.) he will have a white wine spritzer.

Air Hostess: Okay, good. Thank you. I’ll be back shortly, all right?

Rachel: All right. Woo! (Looks out the window.) Hey, look at that, the airport’s moving. (Realises that that’s not how it works.) Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? They said they were gonna wait! (yells after the air hostess) Miss? Yeah, does the captain know that we’re moving? Oh my… Ross, you better be under the wheels of this thing!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is eating cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hi!

(They all hug.)

Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had sex! (They’re shocked.)

Chandler: No we didn’t!

Phoebe: I know you didn’t, I was talking about Monica.

Monica: Phoebe, I did not have sex.

Phoebe: This pregnancy is throwing me all off.

Joey: All right, I’m gonna go say hi the chick and the duck.

Phoebe: Oh, me too!

Joey: Why would you need to say hi to them, you’ve been feeding them for four days?

Phoebe: Oh right, maybe I’ll just go home.

(She grabs her bag and leaves, Joey moves a little quicker to his apartment, leaving Monica and Chandler alone.)

Monica: Well, we certainly are alone.

Chandler: Yes! Good thing we have that, ‘Not in New York’ rule.

Monica: Right. Umm, listen since we’re-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross’s mother…

Chandler: Right.

Monica: Well, an-anyway, I just-that night meant a lot to me, I guess I’m just trying to say thanks.

Chandler: Oh. Y’know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn’t because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me ’cause, you’re really hot! Is that okay?

Monica: (laughs) That’s okay.

Chandler: And I’m cute too.

Monica: And you’re cute too.

Chandler: Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I gotta go unpack.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Bye.

(After he closes the door, Monica starts to follow him, but thinks better of it and stops.)

Chandler: (entering) I’m still on London time, does that count?

Monica: That counts!

Chandler: Oh, good! (They start kissing.)

End

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Teleplay by: Michael Curtis
Story by: Seth Kurland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, Phoebe is returning from the bathroom.]

Phoebe: (angrily) That’s like the tenth time I’ve peed since I’ve been here!

Monica: That’s also like the tenth time you told us.

Phoebe: Yeah, oh I’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it’s a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I’m so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, ‘cause—Oh! I’m pregnant!

Ross: Pheebs, did…you want a cookie?

Phoebe: (starting to cry) Thank you so much.

Rachel: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?

Phoebe: I haven’t really had any yet.

(Monica, Joey, and Chandler all shake their heads.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Chandler are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Ross: All right, here’s the ring. (Shows Chandler the wedding ring he plans on giving Emily)

Chandler: (shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Ross: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don’t you have to decide who your best man is gonna be?

Chandler: Oh, it’s awkward. It’s awkward. It’s awkward.

Ross: I sort’ve already asked Chandler.

Joey: What?! He got to do it at your first wedding!

Ross: Joey, I figured you’d understand. I mean, I-I’ve known him a lot longer.

Joey: Come on Ross! Look, I-I don’t have any brothers; I’ll never get to be a best man!

Chandler: You can be the best man when I get married.

Joey: (pause) I’ll never get to be a best man!

Ross: (to Chandler) Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I never get to be yours at all?

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you—yeah, of course you get to be my best man.

Joey: (impatiently tapping Chandler on the shoulder) What about me?! You-you just said I could!

Chandler: I’m not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!

Joey: I can’t believe you’re not picking me.

Ross: Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey!

Chandler: I’m not even… I’m not even…

Ross: Fine, y’know what, that’s it. From now on, Joey, I want you to be my best man.

Joey: Yes! (to Chandler) Shame about you man.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: (to her babies) Stop it!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: One of the babies is kicking.

Monica: I thought that was a good thing.

Phoebe: It’s not kicking me, it’s kicking one of the other babies. Oh (looks down her dress)! Don’t make me come in there!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow?

Monica: Yeah, there’s one right under the cabinet.

Joey: (grabs it) Thanks.

Monica: Why do you need it?

Joey: Oh, we’re having a big party tomorrow night. Later! (Starts for the door.)

Rachel: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us?

Joey: Nooo, later. (Walks out the door.)

Phoebe: Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!! (Joey walks back in, scared.)

Rachel: Hormones!

Monica: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you’re having a party and we’re not invited?

Joey: Oh, it’s Ross’s bachelor party.

Monica: Sooo?

Joey: Are you bachelors?

Monica: Nooo!

Joey: Are you strippers?

Rachel: Nooo!

Joey: Then you’re not invited. (Starts for the door again.)

Rachel: All right fine! You’re not invited to the party we’re gonna have either.

Joey: Oh-whoa, what party?

Rachel: Well umm…

Monica: The baby shower for Phoebe!

Joey: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don’t want to do! Later! (Finally, he makes his exit.)

Phoebe: I can’t believe I’m gonna have a party! This is so great! (Really excited) A party! (Really, really excited) Yay!! (Suddenly, she starts crying and Rachel moves to comfort her.) I don’t know why.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are talking over party plans.]

Joey: This is what I’ve got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor.

Ross: Great. Great.

Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I’ve got you, me, and Chandler and I’m gonna invite Gunther ‘cause, well, we’ve been talking about this pretty loud.

Gunther: I’ll be there.

Joey: All right—oh! Listen, I know this is your party, but I’d really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there.

Ross: Yeah. Tell ya what, let’s not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes!

Joey: Okay! We’ll need a six-pack of Zima.

Chandler: (entering) Hey guys, what are you doing?

Ross: Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man.

Chandler: Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one.

Ross: Yeah, see, I don’t think it’s gonna that difficult considering this one won’t be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut.

Chandler: Oh, I’m Ross. I’m Ross. I’m too good for the Hut; I’m too good for the Hut.

Ross: Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything okay?

Joey: You got it.

Ross: Okay, see ya later.

Chandler: See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.

Joey: Well, there’s gonna be strippers there. He didn’t say anything about no strippers.

Chandler: He just said, “No strippers.”

Joey: Oh, I chose not to hear that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is returning from shopping and Rachel is there.]

Monica: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! (She shows Rachel what she bought. She bought a little leather jacket and a little cowboy outfit for the babies.) Can you believe they make these for little people?

Rachel: Little village people.

Monica: Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite. (It’s a little pink and white dress for the girl baby.)

Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet!

Monica: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these!

Rachel: Huh. Except, Phoebe’s not gonna be the one that gets to dress them.

Monica: Because she’s not gonna get to keep the babies.

Rachel: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever!

Monica: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she’s done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila.

Rachel: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she’s always wanted!

Monica: Oh, she’s gonna love that!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe’s baby shower, she is holding those leather pants, and isn’t happy about it.]

Phoebe: What the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me stuff that I can’t use for another two months?! This sucks! All right, what’s my next present?!

All: I don’t have anything. (All of the rest of the women there hide their gifts behind their backs.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Ross’s bachelor party. Ross is thanking Joey for the party.]

Ross: Hey listen man, about the stripper…

Joey: Yeah?

Ross: Good call!

Chandler: (banging a spoon against his beer bottle) Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I’ve decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther!

Gunther: What’s my last name?

Chandler: Central Perk?

Gunther: (to Ross) Thanks for not marrying Rachel. (He starts to leave.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-wait, Gunther don’t-don’t forget your shirt. (He gives Gunther his shirt and Gunther leaves.)

Ross: Hey-hey, what are those?

Joey: Oh, little party favours, check it out! (It’s a shirt that reads, “Ross Geller, Bachelor Bash 1998”)

Ross: Wow! Yeah!

Joey: Oh-oh! (Shows him what’s on the back, “Best Man Joey Tribbiani, with a huge picture of him.)

Chandler: (banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position of the bride.

The Stripper: Great!

Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey.

Joey: Oh, hey, don’t forget your shirt.

Ross: Oh, thanks! (Takes it and throws it back into the box and leaves.)

Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, party’s over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parent’s basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right.

The Stripper: Ohhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours?

Joey: Yeah!

The Stripper: Wow, I didn’t know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets.

Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck complies.)

The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.

Joey: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin’ ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday…

The Stripper: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night.

Joey: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around.

The Stripper: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. I’ll let you play with my duck.

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, it’s the middle of the night, he’s waking up and discovers he’s alone in bed.]

Joey: Hey, (realises he doesn’t know her name.) stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees it’s empty and starts to panic.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, it’s continued from earlier. Joey is now waking Chandler and telling him the news.]

Joey: (running and banging on Chandler’s door) The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring!

Chandler: (opening the door) What?

Joey: The ring is gone!

Chandler: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this—Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You’re the worst best man ever!

Joey: Dude, this isn’t funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to bed last night, everything’s cool! I wake up this morning, the stripper’s gone and the ring is gone!

Chandler: You slept with the stripper?

Joey: Of course!! (Shrugs.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is entering, Monica and Rachel are talking on the couch.]

Phoebe: Hi, guys.

Rachel: Hi! Phoebe. (Both Monica and her try to move out of Phoebe’s way.)

Monica: Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: I-I wanted to apologise if I—y’know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. Y’know it’s just the hormones, y’know.

Rachel: No we…

Monica: Hormones.

Rachel: …hormones, yeah.

Phoebe: Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet. (She goes to hug them and they both flinch, thinking that Phoebe is about to attack them.)

Monica: Wow, you seem to be doing so much better. That’s great. So how-how are things going?

Phoebe: Good. Y’know—no-no, okay, it’s-it feels like everything’s been about me lately, so what’s happening with you?

Rachel: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross’s wedding.

Phoebe: Oh!

Rachel: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that…

Phoebe: Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him.

Rachel: Well, h-how is this like that?

Phoebe: Well, let’s see, it’s not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y’know a bunch of y’know high school crap that nobody really gives y’know…

Rachel: (starting to cry) I’m-I’m sorry, I just thought that…

Phoebe: Alrighty, here come the water works. (Rachel starts crying harder.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey is trying to figure out what to do.]

Joey: Ugh! I don’t know what I’m going to do! I called the company that sent and th-they don’t care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me, if this isn’t an emergency, then what is?

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey…

Ross: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y’know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so…

Joey: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that’s nice!

Ross: Yeah, right!

Joey: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those…

Ross: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.

Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)

Ross: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life.

Chandler: So you might say, it’s a magic ring.

Joey: (laughs, softly) Yeah, the stripper stole it.

Ross: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?!

Chandler: Well, I think it all started when you said, “Hey Joey, why don’t you be my best man.”

Ross: (dialling the phone) All right-all right, fine! I-I’m gonna call the cops!

Joey: Dude, I screwed up, you don’t have to turn me in!

Ross: Not on you! On the stripper!

Joey: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they’re gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders.

Ross: Okay, well, we’ll call the company that sent her!

Joey: I did that too! They wouldn’t give me her real name or her number. They said, “If I bothered them again they’d call the police.” I said, “If you talk to the police, you tell them I’m missing a ring!”

Ross: So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That there’s nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?!

Joey: Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I…

Chandler: Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?

Joey: Oh, that sounds like fun, but we’ve got a ring to find!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.]

Monica: Here’s your tea Phoebe. (They give it to her and quickly take a step back.)

Phoebe: (sips it) It’s so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.

Rachel: Good.

Monica: I’m so glad you liked it.

Phoebe: (sets the cup down) Oh! (Grabs her stomach in pain.)

Monica: What?!

Rachel: What?! She made the tea! (Points to Monica.)

Phoebe: Oh! No, I-I think I just had a contraction.

Rachel: You what?

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, I thought I had one a couple of minutes ago, and now I know that was definitely one.

Monica: Wait, you can’t have the baby here! I mean I haven’t sterilised it since the guys moved out!

Rachel: Okay. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. Y’know what? It’s okay. I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets!

Phoebe: No. It’s all right; it’s probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book.

Monica: Rachel, get the book! The book!

Rachel: Okay! (Runs and grabs a book and hands it to Monica.) Okay! Here!

Monica: The Bible?!

Rachel: I don’t know!

[Scene: Chandler’s office, the guys are there waiting to ambush the stripper.]

Joey: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. (to Ross) You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I’ll be uh, Mr. Wong.

Ross: Diverse.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

The Stripper: Did anybody call for security?

Chandler: (to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)

The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.) Hey, Joey?

Ross: Where’s my ring? My dead grandmother’s wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it?

Chandler: Way to be cool, man.

The Stripper: What’s he talking about?

Joey: There was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone!

The Stripper: Wait, you guys think I stole some ring?

The Guys: Yeah!

Ross: We know you took so just-just save yourself the time and confess!

The Stripper: Okay, who are you? The Hardy boys? Look, I don’t need to steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys make that?

Chandler: Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, the guys are now trying to figure out what next to do, since their plan with the stripper backfired on them.]

Joey: I don’t get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didn’t take it, and I didn’t take it; and you (Chandler) didn’t take it, then who did? (The duck quacks.) Shh! We’re trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realise it at the same moment and stare at Joey, who doesn’t get it. After a short pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is recovering from her false labour.]

Rachel: I still don’t get how you know when it’s false labour.

Phoebe: Well, do you see any babies?

Monica: How do you feel?

Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean… I don’t know, it’s just, I guess I know it’s going to be over soon.

Rachel: Well, isn’t that a good thing? You said you were sick of this.

Phoebe: I know. It’s just y’know usually when you’re, when you’re done with the pregnant thing, y’know, then you get to do the mom thing. I’m gonna be y’know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila.

Monica: Some moms do that.

Phoebe: Okay that’s even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it’s just that now that they’re in me it’s like, it’s like I know them y’know, I mean-I mean, it’s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away.

Monica: Aww, sweetie, but it’s not like you’re not gonna have anything. You’re gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that’s even better.

Phoebe: Yeah, okay.

Rachel: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you’re not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they’re bad, y’know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won’t calm down. Y’know?

Monica: I mean, you’re the one they’re gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.

Rachel: And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe!

Phoebe: Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool!

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: And y’know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you.

Phoebe: They are gonna love me.

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Again.

Monica: Oh, sweetie! (They all hug.)

Phoebe: You’re the best. Thanks. Oh!

Monica and Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Just kidding. Ahh!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Got cha again, you guys are so easy.

[Scene: The Animal Hospital, the guys have taken the duck in to remove the ring. Joey is pacing around like an expectant father.]

Joey: If anything should happen to him…

Ross: Joey! The vet said it’s a simple procedure.

Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You don’t know! What if he doesn’t make it?!

Chandler: He will, Joe.

Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesn’t? He’s such a good duck.

(With that we go into a little flashback about the guys’ memories of the duck. The first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then it’s Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then it’s Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls’ apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole in the entertainment-center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and it’s concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping it’s wings. And the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)

Joey: I’m so worried about him, y’know?

The Doctor: (coming in from surgery) Somebody lose a ring?

Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where it’s been.)

Joey: H-h-h-how’s the duck?

The Doctor: He’s doing just fine, he’s resting now, but you can see him in a little bit.

Joey: Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this.

Ross: No, that’s all right.

Joey: No, it’s not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down!

Chandler: Hey, come on, it’s not your fault.

Joey: Yeah, it is! You wouldn’t have lost the ring, right? Y’know what, Ross you were right from the start, he (Chandler) should be your best man.

Chandler: No, you should.

Joey: Now, don’t argue with me…

Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Really?

Ross: Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my… I mean, I’m lucky to have just one good… (They all start getting emotional.)

Chandler: Thanks man.

Joey: (starting to cry) I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they can’t see him cry.)

Chandler: What a baby.

Ross: Total wuss!

(They both turn and wipe their eyes.)

Closing Credits

[There was no closing scene, only a preview of the wedding.]

End

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Written by: Seth Kirkland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
With Help from: Darcy Partridge
Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: guineapig, Ruth Curran, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, Josh Hodge,  Dan Silverstein, and Eric Aasen.


[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are sitting and talking.]

Chandler: Y’know what? It seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened.

Joey: I know. Ross is getting married.

Chandler: Phoebe is, making people.

Joey: Everybody’s doing stuff!

Chandler: And we just sit here. I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we have to do something. Okay? Something huge!

Joey: (snaps his fingers) We could climb Mt. Everest!

Chandler: No-no, not something stupid, something huge.

Joey: No-no-no-no-no, I saw an ad for this video, people climb that thing everyday! We could totally do that!

Chandler: Why not?! I mean it’s just, it’s just climbing! It’s just, it’s just steep!

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: We’re going to Everest! Okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on Everest!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: What-what’s up?

Joey: We’re gonna climb Mt. Everest!

Chandler: Yeah baby!

Phoebe: Really?! I looked into that. Yeah, but, I mean it costs like $60,000 and y’know you can die. And, you would die!

Chandler: (dejected) Yeah, well…

Joey: We could get that Everest video though.

Chandler: Yeah, we could do that without y’know risking our lives at all!

Joey: And while we’re down at the video store, you know what else we could rent? Die Hard! (Chandler’s excited.) Oh, y’know what? I just remembered, that Everest thing is only available through mail order.

Chandler: (dejected) Oh, well…

Phoebe: So you guys’ll stay here and hang out with me?

Chandler: Yeeeeahhhh.

Joey: Yeah. Yeah.

Chandler: But I’ll tell you something. One of these days we’re get off of our buts and rent Die Hard again!

Joey: Yeah we are!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, he and Emily are addressing their invitations.]

Emily: So what did he decide? Does your Uncle Nathan get an invite or not?

Ross: Ohh, God, nobody likes him, and he’s so cheap, he’d never fly to London in a million years. Yeah, invite him? Hey, did I do these neat enough? (Hands her some envelopes.)

Emily: Yeah, they’re fine.

Ross: Yeah?

Emily: If anyone asks, we’ll just say Ben addressed them. (Looking through the envelopes.) Oh! So you invited Rachel then?

Ross: Sure. Why not?

Emily: Really?

Ross: Yeah?

Emily: I don’t think I’d be comfortable with any of my old lovers there.

Ross: Wait-wait-wait, do you, do you think, maybe we shouldn’t invite her?

Emily: Oh, no-no, y’know I absolutely adore Rachel it’s just that, well it might be a awkward for you. But it’s absolutely your decision. (Gets up.) More tea?

Ross: Yeah sure.

Emily: Earl Grey?

Ross: Huh? Yeah, fine, invite whoever you want.

[And with that we start off on a series of clips from the entire history of Ross and Rachel, from Ross’s point of view. The first clip is from The Pilot.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is complaining about Carol.]

Ross: I don’t want to be single, okay? I just… I just- I just wanna be married again!

(A woman enters wearing a wet wedding dress and frantically starts to look around.)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren’t there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

[cut to later]

Monica: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (To Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel: Hi, sure!

Ross: Hi.

(They go to hug but Ross’ umbrella opens.  He sits, defeated again.)

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel are finishing up some cookies.]

Ross: You know you probably didn’t know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.

Rachel: I knew.

Ross: You did! Oh…. I always figured you just thought I was Monica’s geeky older brother.

Rachel: I did.

Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here—but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?

Rachel: Yeah, maybe…

Ross: Okay… okay, maybe I will…

[The next clip is from The One With The Blackout.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel are talking about passion.]

Ross:  See, I see…. big passion in your future.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: I do.

Rachel: Oh Ross, you’re so great. [she playfully rubs his head and gets up]

[Ross gets up, pleased with himself and starts to walk past Joey.]

Joey: It’s never gonna happen.

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s balcony, Ross is about to be attacked by Paulo’s cat.]

Ross: Hey, I have a question. Well, actually, it’s not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering… ment.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay. Umm, for a while now, I’ve been wanting to, um….

Rachel: Ohhh!!!! [looking at something behind Ross]

Ross: Yes, yes, that’s right…

Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! [a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross] Look at it!

Ross: What? [the cat jumps on his shoulders] Ow!

[Cut to inside, Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross’ shoulder.]

Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: [singing] I’m on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find…

[The next clip is from The One With The East German Laundry Detergent.]

[Scene: The Laundromat, Rachel is fighting with that old, annoying woman for a cart.]

Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you’re gonna have to take me with it!

(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)

Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?

Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel: I could not have done this without you.

(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)

Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? (Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I’m fine, I’m fine.

[The next clip is from The One Where Ross Finds Out]

[Scene: Central Perk, I’m sure you’ve guessed, it’s the famous fight scene between Ross and Rachel.]

Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.

Rachel: (hurt) What?

Ross: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.

Rachel: Hey, I was doin’ great before I found out about you. You think it’s easy for me to see you with Julie?

[cut to later]

Ross: The point is I… I don’t need this right now, OK. It, it’s too late, I’m with somebody else, I’m happy. This ship has sailed.

[cut to later]

Rachel: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.

Ross: Fine.

Rachel: ‘Cause I don’t need your stupid ship.

Ross: Good.

Rachel: Good. (Ross leaves)

[cut to later]

(Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him.)

[cut to later]

(She opens the door and they kiss.)

[The next clip is the second famous fight in The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel are arguing.]

Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I’m doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I’m doing something that I’m actually good at. I mean. if you don’t get that…

Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I’m happy for ya, but I’m tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don’t know what to do anymore.

Rachel: Well neither do I!

Ross: Is this about Mark?

Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.

Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not.

Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you’re, you’re, you’re making this too hard.

Ross: Oh I’m, I’m making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do.

Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break.

Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, (goes to the door) let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yogart, or something.. (opens the door)

Rachel: No. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A break from us.

(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)

[The next clip is from The One The Morning After]

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Ross is hurrying Chloe out the door.]

Chloe: Do I know why we’re rushing?

Ross: Yeah, y’know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (He’s frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!

Chloe: That’s so great for you guys!

Ross: Yeah!

[cut to later]

Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend.

Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!!

Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.

Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.

Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again?

Ross: Yes, you can, very much.

(Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.)

Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel has just found out about Chloe and is screaming at Ross.  The rest of the gang is trapped in Monica’s bedroom.]

Rachel: (opening the door) Y’know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!

Ross: No!!

Rachel: Just get out! Now!!

Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this.

Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she?

[Cut to Monica’s bedroom]

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: What?

Rachel: Was she good?

[Cut to Monica’s bedroom]

Joey: Don’t answer that.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it!! How was she?

Ross: She was…

[Cut to Monica’s bedroom]

Joey: Awful! Horrible!

Chandler: She was not good. Not good.

Joey: She was nothing compared to you.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: She, she was different.

[Cut to Monica’s bedroom]

Joey: Ewwwww!

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Good different?

Ross: Nobody likes change.

(Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.)

Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[The next clip is from The One With The Jellyfish.]

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom, Rachel, entering selfish mode, is thanking Ross for wrongly taking the entire blame of the breakup; as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it.]

Rachel:  …the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y’know?  I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”  Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective…

Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!

[Cut back to the present.]

[Scene: A mailbox, Ross is mailing the invitations.  He throws a bunch into the mailbox, but pauses with Rachel’s.  And it starts another round of clips.]

[The One With The Fake Party]

[Scene: The hallway, Rachel is convincing Ross that Emily is good for him.]

Rachel: You seem to really like her.

Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment.

Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks.

Ross: You think?

Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.

Ross: Hey, you’re right.

Rachel: Yeah.

[Cut back to the present, Ross is still looking at Rachel’s invitation.  Finally, he makes up his mind and mails it.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are opening their invitations.]

Monica: Ohh, this is soo amazing! I can’t believe my brother’s getting married! And in London! It’s so romantic!

Joey: (taking apart the invitation) Hey, pretty smart! Tissue paper! You’re at the wedding, you have to cry, “Handkerchief?” “No-no, I got my invitation.”

Phoebe: Oooh look! Isn’t this adorable, Ross let Ben address mine!

Chandler: (entering) Hello!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! Hey, did you get your invitation to Ross’s wedding?

Chandler: (sarcastic) Noo.

Joey: Don’t worry man, I get to bring a guest. We’ll show him.

Phoebe: I’m so jealous you’re all going! I can’t believe I never knew that you can’t fly in your third trimester!

Chandler: I didn’t know that.

Monica: I never knew that either.

Joey: I knew that! (They all look at him) I sooo didn’t know that, but you should see your faces.

Rachel: (entering) Hey guys! What’s up?

Joey: Heyyy. (They all try and hide their invitations.)

Monica: We’re hanging out.

(Rachel starts going through her mail, and come across her invitation.)

Rachel: What’s this? Is this Ross’s wedding invitation?

Chandler: See, maybe that’s the one we should’ve actually hidden.

Rachel: Oh, no! No you guys! Come on, you don’t have to do that! I’m happy for him! I am! I really—I’m-I’m happ—I’ll work on it.

Monica: I’m sorry honey.

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Rach, you’re gonna come though aren’t you?

Rachel: Oh, honey, I don’t know. I…

Chandler: This isn’t one of those uh, y’know “If she doesn’t come, we-we don’t, we don’t come?” Right? Because I already bought my ticket…

Monica: You know what would be real weird? Is if you weren’t there. Just say you’ll think about it, okay?

Rachel: No, I’ll think about it. Yeah.

[And with that, we go into another set of clips, this time from Rachel’s point of view.]

[The first clip is from The One Where Rachel Finds Out.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, it’s Rachel birthday party and Chandler is about to spill the beans.]

Rachel: Who’s this from?

Chandler: Oh, that’s Ross’s.

Rachel: Oh… (opens it and sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.

Phoebe: Remembered what?

Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him that it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can’t believe he remembered!

Phoebe: Oh, it’s so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.

Monica: I can’t believe he did this.

Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross’s crush on Rachel.)

Rachel: What did you just say?

Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah…. flennin….

Rachel: Oh…. my God.

[The next clip is from The One With Ross’s New Girlfriend.]

[Scene: The airport, Ross is about to walk off of the plane with Julie.]

Rachel:  (seeing Ross come off the plane with another woman.) Oh my God.

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross is introducing Julie to the gang.]

Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.

Ross: But we haven’t seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who’s in charge of the dig.

Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn’t that great? I mean, isn’t that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

[cut to later]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross is trying to hang up on Julie.]

Ross: Oh, that is so sweet.(listens) No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three.(He doesn’t hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet.) Well you didn’t hang up either.

Rachel:  She didn’t hang up either…

Ross:  Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y—(Rachel grabs the phone and hangs it up for him.)

[The next clip is from The One Where Ross Finds Out.]

[Scene, A Restaurant, Rachel is on her date, drunk, and is leaving that answering machine message.]

Rachel: (on phone) Ross, hi, it’s Rachel. I’m just calling to say that um, everything’s fine and I’m really happy for you and your cat…(cut)…I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. (She hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket.)

[cut to later]

[Scene, Monica and Rachel’s, the next morning, Ross is checking his messages.]

Ross: Rach, I got a message from you.

(Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.)

Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . (She jumps the couch and lands on Ross’s back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.)

Ross: You’re over me?

Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh God. (climbs off his back)

Ross: Wha… you’re uh, you’re, you’re over me?

Rachel: Ohh, ohh.

Ross: When, when were you… under me?

Rachel: Well, basically, lately, I’ve uh, I’ve uh, sort of had feelings for you.

[cut to later in the same scene]

Ross: OK, I need to lie down.

[The next clip is from The One With The List.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Ross has just broken up with Julie and is about to get with Rachel.]

Joey: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god’s sakes.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Really. It’s always been you, Rach.

Rachel: Oh, god.

(Ross and Rachel hug.)

Chandler and Joey: Ohhh.

[The next clip is from The One Where Ross and Rachel…. You Know.]

[Scene: The Auditorium, Ross and Rachel are about to… you know.]

Ross: I’ve no idea, could be. Listen, I’m sorry I had to work tonight.

Rachel: Oh it’s OK. You were worth the wait, and I don’t just mean tonight.

(They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross’s tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.)

Rachel: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that’s OK.

Ross: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.

[The next clip is from The One The Morning After.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to prevent Gunther from spilling the beans.]

Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.

Gunther: I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to?

(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.)

[The next clip is from The One At The Beach.]

[Scene: The beachhouse, Ross and Rachel are argueing about the breakup.]

Ross: Y’know, hey! You’re the one who ended it, remember?

Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you!

Ross: You still love me?

Rachel: Noo.

[cut to later]

Ross: What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together?

Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don’t know.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just…

(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss.)

[The next clip is from The One With The Jellyfish.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel and Ross are finally breaking up for good, or is it?]

Rachel: Y’know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!

Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)

[cut to later]

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!

Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!

[cut back to the present.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is deciding on whether or not to go to the wedding.]

[cut to another clip, this one is from The One With The Prom Video]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the gang is watching the Prom Video and Rachel is about to make her entrance on the video.  The italics are portions of the prom video.]

Mrs. Geller: Rachel’s coming up the path.  Doesn’t she look pretty. Jack… (Rachel enters with a huge nose)

Rachel: Oh my God.

Monica: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: You know what, you guys, we don’t have to watch this.

All: Oh yeah we do. C’mon.

Mrs. Geller: Get a shot of Monica. Where’s Monica.

Mr. Geller: Wait, how do you zoom out? (zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich) There she is.

Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.

Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

[cut to later]

Monica: Oh, dad, turn it off.

Mr. Geller: It is off.  Right Ross? (pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache)

Joey: Lookin’ good Mr. Cotter.

[cut to later]

Rachel: I can’t go to my own prom without a date, I can’t, it’s too late.

Monica: If you’re not going then I don’t want to go either.

Mrs. Geller: (to Ross on the stairs) I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.

[cut to later]

Ross: Y’know what?  I think we’ve seen enough, let’s turn it off.

All: No, no, no.

Ross: OK, fine, well I’m not gonna watch, alright.

Mr. Geller: C’mon kid, let’s go.

Mrs. Geller: Ahh, are you hadsome.

Mr. Geller: Let’s show ’em.

Ross: (walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable) Okay dad.

Mr. Geller: (going downstairs) Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining—Oh no. (Chip has shown up and the four are leaving.)

Rachel, Monica, Roy, and Chip: Bye.

Mrs. Geller: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?

Monica: (to Ross) I can’t believe you did that.

Ross: Yeah, well.

[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross]

Phoebe: See, he’s her lobster.

[Cut back to the present, Rachel has made her decision.]

Monica: (seeing the decision) Nooooo. You’re really not going?

Rachel: Yeah. It’s just gonna be too hard. Y’know? I mean, it’s Ross. How can I watch him get married? Y’know it’s just, it’s for the best, y’know it is, it’s… Y’know, plus, somebody’s got to stay here with Phoebe! Y’know she’s gonna be pretty big by then, and she needs someone to help her tie her shoes; drive her to the hospital in case she goes into labour.

Monica: You don’t have a car. And your license expired.

Rachel: I know. (Starts to cry) Yeah, see, there’s so much to do and I have so little time to do it in.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are reading a book about things to do whilst in London.]

Chandler: All right, check it out. Check this out. It says here that there’s a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums! (Reading from the book.) “It’s almost as good as being there.”

Joey: It’s better! You can’t go to a museum in your underwear!

Chandler: Well, You could, but… probably just the one time.

Joey: I bet we could get videos of all the sites, get a VCR in our hotel room… we’d never even have to go outside!

Chandler: If we do that, we gotta get Die Hard.

Joey: Oh-ho! I bet the British version is gooooood!

End

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Story by: Adam Chase
Teleplay by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, he is asleep and snoring loudly. Chandler enters wondering who left their engine running.]

Chandler: Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!!

Joey: (joining in, in his sleep) Joey. Joey. Joey. Joey! Joey!!

(Chandler acts disgusted, but is happy that Joey has stopped snoring. However, just as he is about to leave, Joey starts snoring again. So to get him to stop, he slams the door shut, waking Joey.)

Chandler: Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting another cup of coffee.]

Chandler: Gunther, can I get another cup of coffee, please? (Gunther starts to pour him another cup.) So uh, what do you do when you’re not working here?

Gunther: You don’t need to fill these silences.

Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.)

Monica: Chandler, that’s like your fourth cup of coffee!

Chandler: Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because I’m exhausted! Because Joey started snoring!

Monica: He’s in a different room! He’s really that loud?

Joey: (proudly) Oh, you should here me.

Chandler: It’s not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic!

Joey: Look, I told ya, I’m not going to any clinic! I don’t have a problem, you’re the one with the problem! You should go to a “Quit being a baby and leave me alone” clinic!

Chandler: They don’t have those.

Joey: Yeah, they do! Quit being a baby and leave me alone! There, you’ve just had your first class!

Monica: Y’know I used to go out with this guy that was a really light sleeper, and whenever I started to snore, he would just roll me over…

Joey: Ohhh, yeah!

Monica: He would just roll me over and I would stop snoring.

Chandler: Next time you snore, I’m rolling ya over!

Joey: I gotta do what I gotta do, you gotta do what you gotta do, you just do it.

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey, all right!

Phoebe: Hey!

(Joey starts humming Here Come the Bride.)

Phoebe: Oh, the Olympics.

Monica: Have you guys picked a date yet?

Ross: Oh no, not yet.

Phoebe: I still cannot believe you’re engaged! (Ross looks at her) Just ‘cause its happening so fast; not ‘cause you’re such a loser.

Ross: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach?

Monica: Ugh, she’s upstairs not doing the dishes! And I tell ya something! I’m not doing them this time! I don’t care if those dishes sit in the sink until they’re all covered with—I’ll do them when I get home!

Ross: Yeah—oh! Hey listen umm, Emily found this wedding dress in London…

Phoebe: Already?!

Ross: Yeah, but it didn’t fit. Well, luckily there’s a store here that has one left in her size, but I’m the groom, I’m not supposed to see the dress…

Monica: I’ll pick it up for you!

Ross: Thank you.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Oh, she’s got you running errands, y’know, picking up wedding dresses… (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah!

Ross: What’s wah-pah?

Chandler: Y’know, whipped! Wah-pah!

Joey: That’s not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh!

Chandler: That’s what I did. Wah-pah!

Joey: You can’t do anything!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is not doing the dishes. She hears someone coming up the stairs and quickly puts down her magazine and pretends like she’s actually doing the dishes.]

Rachel: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Oh! It’s you. (She stops doing the dishes.) Hi.

Ross: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so…

Ross: So listen uh, I know you and I haven’t really had a chance to talk since uh, Emily and I decided to get married, and uh, I was just wondering how you were.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: I know if you were getting married I’d feel, kinda….. y’know.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, well it definitely took me by surprise, but I’m okay.

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: All right, I just wanted to check.

Rachel: Oh, that’s sweet.

(He goes over to hug her.)

Ross: You’re great. And I-I know someday this will happen for you too. You just hang in there.

Rachel: (breaking the hug) Uhh, hang in there?

Ross: Oh, no, I didn’t mean, uh…

Rachel: I mean maybe you didn’t hear about a serious relationship called me and Joshua?

Ross: Oh, I thought you guys had just been on like four dates, I didn’t realise that had become anything, yet.

Rachel: Oh, no-no-no, no-no-no, it has become, it has—yeah. Oh no, those were four great dates.

Ross: Oh. Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the connection, I mean y’know, emotionally, mentally, physically…

Ross: Wow, that’s-that’s-that’s incredible.

Rachel: I know isn’t it? It’s like I’m right there with Joshua.

Ross: Uh-huh.

Rachel: You are right there with Emily. And it’s y’know, it’s kinda like…. it’s a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes.

Ross: I gotta get to work.

Rachel: Oh yeah? Fine.

Ross: Hey, y’know, y’know what would make me really happy?

Rachel: Oh yeah, no, what’s that?

Ross: If like the four of us could all y’know, hang out together. Uh, in fact Emily’s coming into town this weekend, why don’t you say we all have dinner? Say, Sunday night?

Rachel: That would be great!

Ross: Yeah, all right, it’s a date. (He leaves)

Rachel: (to the closed door) Hang in there. You hang in there. (Gives him the raspberry.)

Ross: (coming back in) Did you say something?

Rachel: No, just singing. (Does a little song.)

[Scene: Beatrice Bridal Shop, Monica and Phoebe are there to pick up Emily’s dress.]

Monica: Oh my God! Ohh! Look at this one! It’s so beautiful!

Phoebe: Yeah, but y’know, about have of these are gonna end up getting divorced.

The Saleslady: May I help you ladies?

Monica: Oh, yes, umm, I’m here to pick up a dress that you have on hold.

The Saleslady: Yes, what’s the name, please?

Monica: Emily Waltham.

The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. (Phoebe and Monica both gasp at the dress.) Would you like to try it on Ms. Waltham?

Monica: (laughs) Okay.

[Time lapse. Monica is wearing the dress and starring at herself in the mirror.]

Phoebe: You’re the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen.

Monica: I am, aren’t I?

The Saleslady: Ms. Waltham?

Monica: Yes?

The Saleslady: We’re closing.

Monica: All right. (Goes to take off the dress.)

The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back?

(She disgustedly takes the ring off and gives it back.)

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, he’s snoring again and Chandler is there to roll him over.]

Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! You’re going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is doing the dishes.]

Monica: Does she use the cups? Yes! I believe she does. Does she use the plates? Yes! I believe she does. (Looks at the wedding dress and stops.)

[Time lapse, Monica is now wearing the dress while doing the dishes and is making like she is thanking her guests for coming to her wedding. Paging Dr. Crane. Dr. Fraiser Crane!]

Monica: Oh. Thank you. Ohhh, thank you very much. Oh, thank you for coming. (There’s a knock on the door.) Uh, just a second!

Phoebe: No-no, let me in!

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Can you just hold on for one minute?

Phoebe: No, you have to let me in right now!!

Monica: Are you alone?

Phoebe: Yes!

Monica: All right.

(She goes over and lets Phoebe bounce in wearing her own wedding dress.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey is complaining about going to the clinic.]

Joey: This sucks! I didn’t know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic! I’m so tired!

Chandler: It’s 6:00.

Joey: Yeah, well…

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Chandler: Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I think that’s, I think that’s really cool.

Joey: Yeah, Rach, I think you’re handling that really well.

Rachel: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? There’s nothing to handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasn’t for me and Joshua. Y’know, they’re not gonna get married anyway!

Chandler: What?

Rachel: Come on! They rushed into this thing so fast it’s ridiculous! I mean, they’re gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what they’ve done and they’re call the whole thing off. I’m telling ya, you’re gonna be dancing at my wedding before you’re dancing at there’s.

Chandler: Yeah, well, I don’t dance at weddings.

Rachel: Why not?

Chandler: Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I look like this… (Starts to dancing really, really, really badly. Ross enters behind him and he stops.)

Ross: Hey man.

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: So, what are you guys doing four weeks from today?

Chandler: Nothing.

Rachel: Nothing.

Joey: I am… (Looks in his date book.) free!

Ross: Great! Because Emily and I are getting married in a month!

Joey and Chandler: What?!

Ross: Yep!

Rachel: In a month?

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: You mean, you mean 30 days?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: From now?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Well, that’s great.

Ross: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but it’s going to be torn down, so… I mean, I-I know it’s crazy, but everything up ‘til now has been so crazy, and I don’t know, this just feels right. Y’know?

Joey: (still looking in date book) Hey! That’s the day after I stop menstruating! (They all look at him.) This isn’t mine.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is waiting impatiently for Joshua.]

Joshua: (entering) Hey, Rachel.

Rachel: Hi!

Joshua: What’s up? You’re voice sounded all squeaky on the phone.

Rachel: Ohh, nothing, I just wanted to see you. See you and hug you. (Hugs him) See you.

Joshua: Great!

Rachel: Yeah! (She sits down) Sit!

Joshua: (sitting) You okay?

Rachel: I’m more than okay, I am really, really happy! Wanna know why?

Joshua: Do I?

Rachel: ‘Cause I am really happy about us. I think we are, I think we are so on the right track! Y’know? I mean, I think we are working, I think we are clicking. Y’know?

Joshua: Yeah, sure-sure, yeah, we’re-we’re-we’re-we’re-we’re clicking.

Rachel: Yeah-yeah, y’know if-if there was just like one little area where I—that I think we need—we would need to work on; I-I would think it was we’re just not crazy enough!

Joshua: I-I gotta say, I-I-I-I’m not too sure I agree with that.

Rachel: Well, yeah, right, y’know what? Yeah, you’re right, I mean, we no, we have our fun. Yeah! But if (Grunts uncomprehensively)……I mean, I mean like craaaazy! Y’know? Okay, all right. This is gonna, this is gonna sound y’know, a little umm, hasty, but uh, just go with it. Umm. Ugh. What if we got married?

Joshua: What?! (Gunther is listening in.)

Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, it’s-it’s so, it’s so totally like, “Whoa! Can we do this?” Y’know, I mean, but I mean it just feels right! Don’t you think? It does! I mean, it just feels right, don’t you think?

Joshua: Wow! Uhh, Rachel uhh, you’re a real special lady, but my divorce isn’t final yet and, and, and we’ve been on four days, so I’m thinking “No, but thanks.”

Gunther: YOU IDIOT!!!!!

[Scene: The Sleep Clinic, Joey is having trouble staying awake.]

Sleep Clinic Worker: Your name, please?

Joey: Joey Tribbiani.

Sleep Clinic Worker: Um-hmm, and did you stay up all night in preparation for your sleep study. (Joey doesn’t answer) Uh, sir? (Joey starts snoring)

Chandler: (answering for him) Yes he did.

Sleep Clinic Worker: Alll right, we’ll call you in a few minutes.

(As she leaves, a beautiful woman enters and sits down across from the boys.)

Chandler: (waking Joey) Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot!

Joey: (sleepily) Yeah, she is. Wow! (Falls back asleep, loudly) How you doin’?

(Chandler wakes him up, again.)

Joey: What?!

Chandler: You’re coming on to the entire room! (He goes over to pick up a stack of magazines next to her, and to get her attention, he throws them back down.) I’m Chandler.

Woman: I’m Marjorie.

Chandler: Hi.

Marjorie: Hi.

Chandler: You mind if I…

Marjorie: No, please.

(He sits down next to her.)

Chandler: So uh, what are you in for?

Marjorie: I talk in my sleep.

Chandler: What a coincidence, I listen in my sleep.

Joey: (asleep) So why don’t you give me your number?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Phoebe, still defying reality, are now throwing a bouquet at each other, pretending to catch the actual bouquet at an actual wedding.]

Monica: Okay, ready?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Okay.

(She turns around and throws the bouquet to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: (catching it) I got it! Mine! (They both hug)

Monica: Congratulations!

Phoebe: Thank you!

Monica: Okay! My turn! My turn!

Phoebe: Okay! (Gets into position) Okay, ready?

Monica: (cocking her head from side to side in some pre-bouquet-catching ritual) Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe turns and throws it on the couch.)

Monica: (upset) That was a terrible throw!!

Phoebe: I’m not gonna right to you! That’s not real!

Monica: Look at me! My big concern is what’s real?! (Finally realises) Oh my God. We’re really sad, aren’t we?

Phoebe: Yeah, I think we are.

Monica: This isn’t even my dress.

Phoebe: Well, at least you didn’t rent yours from a store called, “It’s Not Too Late.”

Monica: I’m changing out of this.

Phoebe: Me too.

Monica: In like a half-hour?

Phoebe: Me too.

Monica: Okay, throw it straight this time.

Phoebe: Okay.

(She throws it straight, and Monica makes a big deal about catching it.)

Monica: I’m getting married next!!

Phoebe: Yay!

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe, back to reality, are sitting in normal clothes.]

Phoebe: I hate my regular clothes now! Y’know? I look down and-and I know that this isn’t gonna be the most special day of my life.

Monica: Yeah. I mean it was kinda fun for a while, but didn’t you start feeling silly?

Phoebe: I guess.

(Monica crosses her legs and is still wearing the garter belt.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: Oh God.

Phoebe: Oh, you’re such a cheater!

Chandler: (entering) Hello! Little ones.

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: So, is Joey gonna stop snoring?

Chandler: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. (They’re stunned.) Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me.

Phoebe: Oh, how’d that happen?

Chandler: Because I’m cooler.

Monica: No, seriously.

Chandler: Well she’s, she’s the kinda girl—Joey was unconscious.

(Joey enters, wearing a mouth guard like boxers wear.)

Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Hey you guys! What’s happening?

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: What is that?

Joey: (muffled) Oh, they gave it to me at the sleep clinic, and it’s gonna help me not to snore.

Monica: Well, are you asleep right now, Joe? ‘Cause I don’t think you have to wear it unless you are!

Joey: (takes out the mouth guard) I know I don’t have too! It tastes good. (Puts it back in.)

Chandler: Plus, you look cool.

(Joey totally agrees with this statement and kicks his feet up.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is putting away the wedding dress, finally.]

Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) Well, I just called Joshua…

Phoebe: Oh, how did it go?

Rachel: Well, I did my best to convince him that I’m not some crazy girl who is dying to get married—I’m just going through a hard time.

Phoebe: What did he say?

Rachel: Well uh, his answering machine was very understanding. Ugh. I feel blue.

Monica: Ohh, sweetie! (Goes to comfort her.) Hey, I bet you anything that he’s gonna call you again.

Rachel: Yeah, maybe, but I don’t think I even care. I don’t think he’s the one I’m sad about. Y’know, I know that I said that I am totally okay with Ross getting married, but as it turns out, I don’t think I’m handling it all that well.

Phoebe: Yeah, maybe.

Rachel: And I-I am just trying to figure out why.

Phoebe: Any luck?

Rachel: Well, yeah, y’know how Ross and I were on again, off again, on again, off again? I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road, we would be on again.

Monica: Again. Y’know what? I think we all did.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey! (She jumps up and throws Emily’s wedding dress into Rachel’s room.)

Ross: So, I got us some reservations for Sunday night, okay? How about, Ernie’s at 9 o’clock?

Rachel: Yeah, well, you uh, better make it for three.

Ross: Oh, see I-I don’t know if we’re gonna be hungry at three.

Rachel: Three people. Joshua’s not gonna be there.

Ross: What happened?

Rachel: Uh, well, I think, I think he broke up with me.

Ross: Noo. Why?

Rachel: Well, apparently he scares easy.

Ross: Oh, Rachel, I’m-I’m sorry.

Rachel: It’s okay. Sometimes, things don’t work out the way you’d thought they would.

Ross: Come here.

(They hug.)

Rachel: (breaking the hug) Oh, hey, don’t you have to go pick up Emily?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: You okay?

Rachel: Yeah! I got my girls.

(He leaves.)

Rachel: Ugh. (She goes over and lays her head on Phoebe’s lap.)

Phoebe: (looks at Monica) Hey, y’know what might cheer you up?

Rachel: What?

[Time lapse, all three girls are now wearing wedding dresses, eating popcorn, drinking beer, and watching TV.]

Rachel: Y’know, I gotta tell ya, this really does put in a better mood.

Monica: Oh, I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time. (Pause) Maybe someday, there will be.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Monica: Oh God! He’s gonna come by and borrow some candles for his big date!

Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes to answer the door.)

Monica: No-no, Rachel, don’t get it! He can’t see us!

Phoebe: No, yeah! The groom cannot see the bride!

Rachel: I’m not gonna marry Chandler!

Phoebe: Not after this!

Rachel: Okay, you guys, just relax. (She goes over to open the door, and as she does, she says.) I doooo. (Sees that it’s Joshua, not Chandler that knocked on the door.)

Joshua: I gotta go.

Rachel: Oh, wait, Joshua! Joshua! (Pause) (Comes back inside) Yeah, well, that oughta do it.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler’s bedroom, he is sleeping with Marjorie. All of the sudden, Marjorie starts talking in her sleep, awakening Chandler. After a little bit, she quiets back down, and Chandler tries to get back to sleep. There’s a short pause until she starts screaming, causing Chandler to scream with her. She quickly calms down. This all wakes up Joey, who comes over wearing the mouth guard, opens the top half of Chandler’s door, and starts to complain about the noise.]

Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Dude! I am trying to sleep! (Shrugs to say, “What’s up with that?”)

End

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Written by: Wil Calhoun & Scott Silveri
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom; Rachel is awoken by a man singing in the next apartment.]

The Singing Man: (singing, duh) Morning’s here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here! The morning’s here!

Rachel: HEY!! Do you have to do that? It’s Saturday!

The Singing Man: Oh come on! Morning’s here! (Starts singing) Morning’s here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here!

(Rachel slams shut her window and storms into the living room, where Joey and Monica are eating breakfast.)

Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy!

Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts singing) Morning’s here! Morning is here—

Rachel: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small.

Monica: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did.

Rachel: Monica, you don’t even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor!

Monica: Y’know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live!

Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Monica: Okay.

Joey: See, this is a great apartment.

Monica: Shut up! This place is a hole!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross’s bedroom; Ross and Emily are making out. Ross as a new feature.]

Emily: Oh, blimey, I still can’t believe you’ve got an earring!

(Yep, it’s a little gold loop.)

Ross: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? (Shakes his head around, pretending like he’s jamming.)

Emily: He does that?!

Ross: Uh, I don’t know, whatever.

Emily: I think it makes you look really dangerous.

Ross: Oh, I know. Y’know what, I never would’ve gotten this if it weren’t for you. No really, when I’m with you I’m-I’m like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy!

Emily: I love both of you!

Ross: Yeah?

(They kiss.)

Emily: I wish I didn’t have to go.

Ross: Then don’t. Stay here. Just don’t go so soon to London, just one more day.

Emily: Ohh, Ross, please!

Ross: One more day, seriously/

Emily: Don’t do this to me, again. You’d know I’d stay here in a minute, but I’d really miss so much work, they’ll fire me.

Ross: So, then you can stay as long as you want.

Emily: I wish I could.

Ross: Oh no. Don’t, don’t, don’t start packing. Come on! (She puts some clothes into her bag, and Ross throws them out.)

Emily: I don’t think you understand packing. Look, I just don’t want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here.

Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on.

Emily: You didn’t!

Ross: No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to be that guy.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s erm, Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Chandler are watching one of those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves.]

Phoebe: (entering, wearing Santa pants) Hello!

Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho!

Phoebe: Excuse me.

Chandler: Your pants!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah! You like ‘em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable!

Joey: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants.

Phoebe: What?

Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesn’t get it.) Santa Claus’s pants.

Phoebe: Nuh-uh! They’re maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. (Pulls out a sheet of paper which lists who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.) See, these names are good, and these names are bad. (Finally, she figures it out.) Ohh.

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: So—Hey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves?

Phoebe: I don’t know! How are the-the-the-the, y’know—You’re clothes aren’t funny.

Monica: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game?

Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, “I don’t belong here.”

Joey: You have Knicks tickets?

Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dad’s season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me.

Monica: Yeah, apparently, they’re pretty good seats.

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: (examining the tickets) Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor!

Rachel: Do you guys want these?

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Yeah we do!

Rachel: Ohh, well you got ‘em.

Both: All right!

Rachel: Just give us our apartment back!

Phoebe: Boy! I didn’t see that coming!

Chandler: Are you serious?

Rachel: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth.

Monica: Yeah, what, do you think we’re stupid?

Joey: You’re not stupid. You’re meaner than I thought.

Monica: What do you say?

Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats!

Rachel: You’re bachelor pad?!

Monica: Have you even had a girl up here?

Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time.

Joey: Yeah, you do!

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is whining to Chandler about the tickets.]

Joey: Come on!

Chandler: (ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please?

Gunther: Good one.

Joey: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means?

Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up the apartment.

Joey: Oh come—look, when I was a kid my dad’s company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of course, he wasn’t in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that!

Ross: (entering) Hey, guys! (They both notice his new little friend)

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Oh my God!

Joey: We don’t make enough fun of you already?

Ross: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it.

Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up?

Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and that’s what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing?

Joey: Oh-no, don’t try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear.

Chandler: Where is Emily?

Ross: Ugh, she’s saying good-bye to her uncle.

Chandler: Man, didn’t she like just get here?

Ross: Yeah!! Yeah!

Chandler: Easy tiger.

Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, it’s-it’s so great. But at the same time I’m thinking, “Well, I’m gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off.”

Chandler: So what are you going to do?

Ross: Nothing! There’s nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-she’d have to uh, move here. She should move here!

Joey: What?

Ross: I could ask her to live with me!

Chandler: Are you serious?

Ross: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?!

Chandler: Because you’ve only known her for six weeks! Okay, I’ve got a carton of milk in my fridge I’ve had a longer relationship with!

Ross: Look guys, when I’m with her it’s-it’s-it’s like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, y’know?

Chandler: And I love the milk! But, I’m not gonna some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now.

Joey: All right look, Ross, he’s right. Emily’s great, she’s great! But this way too soon, you’re only gonna scare her!

Ross: I don’t want to do that.

Joey: No! You don’t want to wreck it, you don’t want to go to fast!

Ross: Yeah, no, you’re right, I know, you’re right, I’m not, I’m not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. (Gets up to leave.)

Chandler: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s erm, Chandler and Joey’s, later that same day. Joey and Chandler are eating pizza, and Phoebe is trying to knit something.]

Phoebe: That’s too hard. Too hard!

Monica: (entering with Rachel) All right boys, last chance for the tickets!

Rachel: Or I’ll give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua.

Chandler: No thank you.

Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come on! Come on, let’s trade! The timing’s perfect, I just clogged the toilet!

Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can’t leave in the small apartment after we’ve lived here! Didn’t you ever read Flowers for Algernon?

Joey: Yes! Didn’t you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didn’t read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight!

Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.

Joey: It’s the Knicks!

Chandler: Screw the Knicks!

Joey: Whoa!

Chandler: I didn’t mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.

Joey: Huh.

Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.

Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all!

Phoebe: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it?

Chandler: No. No. We’re not gonna do that, y’know why? Because its not an even trade.

Rachel: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets?

Joey: Done!

Rachel: Let me finish.

Joey: Oh.

Rachel: I’m talking about a bet, winner takes all.

Joey: Ooh, we could end up with nothing.

Phoebe: Or you could end up with everything.

Joey: Ooh, I like that.

Monica: All right, so what do you say?

Chandler: No!

Monica: Oh, just do it!!

Chandler: Op, op, I’m convinced!

Joey: Come on man, you know I’d do it for you! Because, you’re my best friend.

Chandler: All right, but you can’t use that again for a whole year. I’m in.

Joey: All right!

Phoebe: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet?

Rachel: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she’s the only who’s impartial, and she’s so pretty.

Phoebe: Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh—oh, I have a game!

Joey: Okay!

Chandler: Okay!

Phoebe: This is great!

Joey: What’s the game?! What’s the game?!

Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesn’t have a name—oh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesn’t have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees?

Monica: They’re green?

Phoebe: Good! Good! Five points!

(They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.)

Phoebe: All right, Joey, same question.

(He looks to Chandler, who doesn’t have a clue.)

Joey: Uhh, they’re tall.

Phoebe: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy.

(Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didn’t come up with the answer.)

Monica: That’s not even a game!

Rachel: What? Shut up! We’re winning!

Monica: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say?

Chandler: Fine, let’s do it.

Phoebe: Oh, I have cards!

Joey: Oh.

Monica: Oh, good.

Phoebe: Yeah! Here! (She grabs a deck out of her purse) Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay.

Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Okay. (She picks a card.) Four.

Chandler: That’s a low one!

Joey: Yeah! Okay. (Joey picks a card.) Phoebe, you look, I can’t.

Phoebe: What make you think I can?! (Shields her eyes from it.)

Joey: Okay. Okay. (He looks at the card.) Ace!

(Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel jump up and down for joy.)

Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging?

Monica: Because we won our apartment back!

Joey: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace!

Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four!

(They all look to Phoebe to settle this.)

Phoebe: I don’t know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She fans out the trick deck.) Ah-ha!

Rachel: All right, cut, let’s pick again, pick again.

Joey: Okay.

Rachel: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! (Picks a card.) Oh! I know queen is high!

Joey: Uh-huh, not as high as…(picks a card) It worked! King!

Chandler: Yeah baby!

Monica: But, we pick again! We pick again!

Joey: Why?!

Monica: I don’t know!

Chandler: Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) That’s courtside baby!

Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them, but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back!

Chandler: No they didn’t!

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Emily has packed as Ross returns.]

Ross: Hey!

Emily: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow.

Ross: (laughs) Move in with me.

Emily: What?!

Ross: Don’t be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say it’s too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be.

Emily: Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there.

Ross: I know.

Emily: My job!

Ross: Well, so, you-you’ll get a job here! I mean, I’m always hearing about uh, them foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you!

Emily: Yeah, but it-it-it’s my whole life—you come to England.

Ross: No, I can’t. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I can’t leave him. Isn’t—you don’t think there’s any way?

Emily: Ohh, I don’t think so. I mean it would be different if it was way into the future –and-and-and we were getting married or something.

Ross: What?

Emily: Oh no, no, right I shouldn’t have said married. Uh, please don’t go freaky on me. I didn’t mean it. Well, I didn’t say it; I take it back!

Ross: No, no, don’t. Why don’t we?

Emily: Why don’t we what?

Ross: Get married.

Emily: You are mad!

Ross: No! No! I’m not! It’s-it’s-it’s perfect! I mean it’s better than you just-just moving here, ‘cause it’s us together forever, and that’s-that’s what I want.

Emily: We’ve only known each other for six weeks!

Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, who’s-who’s to say? Does that me we-we can’t do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesn’t it?

Emily: My parents are going to be really mad.

Ross: Is that—are you saying yes? Is that yes?

Emily: Yes.

(They kiss and hug.)

Emily: Yes!

Ross: Yes! We’re getting married?!

Emily: Oh my God!

Ross: Yes!

Emily: We’re getting married!

Ross: Come here, come here. Uh, (He takes the earring out.) ow! Emily, will you marry me?

Emily: Yes.

(He tries to put it on her finger.)

Emily: Ohh, it’s a bit small.

Ross: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell!

Emily: It was.

(They kiss.)

Commerical Break

[Scene: The hallway, Joey and Chandler are coming back from the game.]

Chandler: Those were like the best seats ever.

Joey: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Y’know, kinda like a peace offering.

Chandler: Oh yeah, that’s very nice. Plus, y’know they were free and they’re too small.

(He knocks on the girls’ door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesn’t even realise it.)

Chandler: Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head cut off.)

Joey: Hey, want a beer? (Hands him a beer and sits down in one of the chairs.) (Jumping up.) WHOA!!!!

Chandler: I KNOW!!!

(They both sprint to what used to be their apartment.)

Chandler: Open up! Open up! Open up!

(A very angry Monica opens the door with the security chain still on.)

Monica: We’ll discuss it, in the morning! (Slams the door shut.)

Chandler: What the hell is going on?!

(It’s Rachel’s turn to open the door.)

Rachel: We took our apartment back!! (Slams the door shut.)

Phoebe: (opening the door) I had nothing to do with it. (Closes the door.) (Opens the door.) Okay, it was my idea, but I don’t feel good about it.

(She goes to close the door, but Chandler puts his foot it in.)

Chandler: We are switching back, right now!

Monica: No, we’re not! We’re not leaving!

Chandler: Well, you’re gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we’re switching it back! There’s nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?

Joey: I don’t know.

Chandler: What?

Joey: I don’t want to move again!

Chandler: I don’t care, this is our apartment! And they stole—you stole it—our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I’m getting back right now!

(They open the door.)

Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can’t offer anything to us!

Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and…

Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.

[Time lapse. The guys are entering their apartment.]

Chandler: Totally worth it!

Joey: That was one good minute!

Chandler: Good night.

Joey: Good night.

(They both go back into their old rooms and shut the doors. Of course, Chandler has to close both sections of his door.)

[Cut to the girls apartment.]

Monica: Men are such idiots.

Rachel: Yeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back?

Phoebe: That’s so funny to think if you’d just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all.

Monica: Yeah, let-let-let’s pretend that’s not true.

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, scarf’s done. (It’s not really a scarf, it’s just a bunch of yarn that Phoebe has tied together. Just then, Ross and Emily enter dragging with them Joey and Chandler.)

Ross: Come on! Come on. Come on.

Chandler: Okay!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Monica: What-what’s going on?

Joey: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone.

Ross: Uhh, okay, it’s uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married.

(The gang is stunned.)

Phoebe: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?!

Emily: Umm, no.

Monica: When, when did—how, how did you…

Ross: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it.

Emily: I mean, we know it’s a bit hasty but, uh, it just feels so right, so…

(Rachel slowly walks in from her bedroom. She is stunned speechless.)

Ross: (turning around.) Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys…

Rachel: Yeah, I-I heard. (Pause, everyone looks at each other, waiting for Rachel’s reaction.) I think it’s great! (Hugs Ross.) Ohh, I’m so happy for you!

(Seeing Rachel’s apparently okay with this, the rest of the gang jumps up to congratulate Ross and Emily on their pending nuptials.)

Chandler: Oh, well, that’s great!

Joey: Yeah! Yeah!

Monica: (to Ross) I can’t believe you’re getting married!

Ross: Yeah. (They hug again.)

Joey: Monica and Rachel made out. (Giggles like a schoolboy and Monica glares at him.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, he is awoken by the singing guy.]

The Singing Man: (singing) Morning’s here! The morning’s here!

(Joey joins him.)

Both: Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here!

The Singing Man: Hey! You’re back!

Joey: Hey! (Singing) Get into gear!

The Singing Man: (singing) Breakfast is near!

Both: The dark of night has disappeared!!

The Singing Man: I’ll see you tomorrow morning!

Joey: (happily) Okay!

End

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Teleplay by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin
Story by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters carrying a drum.]Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum.

Phoebe: (not amused) Ha-ha. (She sits down on the couch.) No, it’s just I’m so pregnant that I—my guitar doesn’t fit anymore. So I thought ‘til I’m not, I’m just gonna play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really cool!

Chandler: All right.

Phoebe: Listen. Listen. (She starts to play and sing.) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

Joey: Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great!

Phoebe: I know! I know, and I’ve only been playing for like an hour!

Alice: (entering) Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi!

Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing here?

Alice: Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favour.

Phoebe: Oh, well, don’t tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus.

Alice: (laughs) No. No. No. (Sits down.) Okay, now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR.

Chandler: Wouldn’t that be Frank the III?

Alice: Don’t get me started. (To Phoebe) Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named the other boy baby.

Phoebe: Wow! That’s so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar.

Alice: You think about it. (Leaves)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, he and Emily are getting ready to go to the airport.]

Emily: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don’t think your son will think it’s yours and be horribly traumatised?

Ross: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra.

Emily: (checks the clock) Ohh, it’s time to go.

Ross: Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock’s a little fast, uh, we have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice?

Emily: Well that’s ambitious.

(They kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the door.)

Ross: Hey, uh, you can ignore that.

Emily: That’s Carol with your son!

Ross: Uhh, believe me when he’s older, he’ll understand.

Carol: (knocking on the door) Ross!

Ross: I’ll be right there. (He goes over and opens the door to Carol, Susan, and Ben.) (To Ben.) Hello! (To Carol.) Hello! (To Susan.) Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan.

Susan: Hey, it’s so nice to finally meet you!

Emily: Me too!

Carol: Ohh, y’know, Susan’s gonna be shooting a commercial in London next week.

Susan: Oh yeah, I’m so excited, I’ve never been there.

Emily: Oh, well, I’ll show you around.

Susan: That would be great! Also, uh, I was hoping to catch a show so if you can make any suggestions…

Emily: Oh, there’s tonnes of terrific stuff—I’ll go with you!

Susan: Ahh!

(Ross accidentally, on purpose, bumps into Susan.)

Ross: Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so…

Emily: Are you all right?

Susan: Oh, he’s fine. He’s fine. It’s just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesn’t like me.

Ross: Oh come on! That’s-that’s… true.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s erm, Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hi!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet?

Phoebe: Ugh! No! This is so hard! I went through this whole book (Holds up a book) and found nothing! I want a name that’s really like, y’know strong and confident, y’know? Like-like Exxon.

Chandler: Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid.

Joey: Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name? How about, The Hulk?

Phoebe: No, I’m-I’m not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with “The.”

Joey: Oh, want a good name, go with Joey. Joey’s your pal. Joey’s your buddy. “Where is everybody?” “Well, they’re hanging out with Joey.”

Chandler: Hey, y’know what, if you’re gonna do that, if you’re gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesn’t think so.) Oh, come on! Chandler’s funny, sophisticated, and he’s very loveable, once you get to know him.

Joey: Oh well, hey, Joey’s loveable too! But the thing about Joey is, if you need him, he’ll be there.

Chandler: Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he’ll be there. And he’ll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you’re really hot.

Joey: What do ya say? What do ya say?

Phoebe: Well, I, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love, and Joey and Chandler are great names. (They both stare at her.) But, all right, I don’t—maybe I’ll just name him The Hulk.

Joey: I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it! That’s what I wanted to name my kid!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is cooking and Rachel is getting ready for a date with Joshua.]

Rachel: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua the first time tonight, which one of these would you want to be wearing. (She’s holding two frilly, lace nighties.)

Monica: Y’know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people’s sex clothes.

Rachel: Sorry. I’m so exited! I’ve been waiting for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! I’m making him a very fancy meal.

Monica: Um-hmm.

Rachel: What am I making him by the way?

Monica: Well, you’re making him a frieze salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup.

Rachel: I thought I was making him filet mignon?

Monica: Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left over at the restaurant. And then you realised if you (Points at Rachel) bitched about it, then you (Points to herself) would stop cooking, and you (Points at Rachel) would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.

Rachel: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s erm, Chandler and Joey’s, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: So uh, Emily called last night…

Chandler: And now you’re giving me the message!

Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, they’re going to the theatre together! They’re going to dinner! They’re going horseback riding!

Phoebe: God, Susan is so fun!

Ross: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay? For like, for like six months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was: “My friend Susan is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great.”

Chandler: You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan?

Ross: Hey, they’re going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! Y’know they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playful—didn’t you see Personal Best?

Joey: No, but I’m gonna!

Chandler: Hi! Hi! You’re crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight.

Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her!

Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely. I don’t like the name Ross.

Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I’m down.

Phoebe: No! No! I-I meant for the baby!

Ross: Oh. What’s wrong with Ross?

Phoebe: Well, it’s just y’know that something like this would never to like The Hulk, y’know…

Ross: Actually that-that’s not true, in The Incredible Hulk uh, No. 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found… (Sees everyone staring at him and stops.) Y’know, ugh, nevermind, my girlfriend’s a lesbian. (Leaves.)

Phoebe: So, I decided I’m definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler.

Joey: Oh! Oh-oh, you gotta pick Joey! I mean, name one famous person named Chandler.

Chandler: Raymond Chandler.

Joey: Someone you didn’t make up!

Chandler: Okay, there are no famous Joey’s. Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco.

Joey: Yeah, that guy really hurt us.

Phoebe: Well, how about a compromise then, okay? What if it’s like y’know, Chanoey?

Chandler: Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he’ll never be President. There’s never gonna be a President Joey.

Joey: All right look man, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It’s not even a name; it’s barely even a word. Okay? It’s kinda like chandelier, but it’s not! All right? It’s a stupid, stupid non-name!

Chandler: Wow, you’re, you’re right. I have a horrible, horrible name.

Joey: I’m sorry man, I didn’t—I’m-I’m sorry. I’m sorry. (Goes over and comforts him.)

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: So I guess it’s Joey then!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is on her dinner date with Joshua.]

Joshua: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this.

Rachel: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. (They kiss.) Ahh. So, dig in!

Joshua: Great! Oh, it all looks sooo good!

Rachel: (taking a bite) Hmmm!

Joshua: Oh my God!

Rachel: Oh I know, my God, this is so—this rice is so—I am so good.

Joshua: Behind you?

Rachel: (sees the chick and the duck) Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. They used to live here; sometimes they migrate back over.

Joshua: (getting up and backing away from they.) Is there ah, is there some way they can not be here. It’s just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out!

Rachel: Yeah, sure, okay. Okay.

(Rachel gets up and ushers them into the hall, as they pass Joshua, he leaps onto the counter to avoid them. Rachel drops them off in the hall, and knocks on Joey’s door.)

Joey: (answering the door.) Hey, how did you do that?! Come on in. (He brings them inside.)

[Cut back to Rachel’s date.]

Rachel: All gone! So, farm birds, huh?

Joshua: Yeah, it’s-it’s my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I would’ve told you about it, but I didn’t know they would be here.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: So, all right.

(They both sit back down.)

Rachel: Okay. So, can I serve you a little of—What? What? What? (She sees that Joshua isn’t relaxed.)

Joshua: Nothing I uh, it’s just that I know that they’re still out there.

Rachel: But, they’re across the hall! I mean that’s two doors away, it would take them a long time to peck their way back over here.

Joshua: Okay, that’s-that’s not funny. Uhh.

Rachel: Okay, y’know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and y’know go to your apartment.

Joshua: Oh, they’re working on this week, it’s a total mess. But uh, I’m staying at my parents’ house, we could go there.

Rachel: Your parents’?

Joshua: Yeah, they’re out of town.

Rachel: Ohh.

Joshua: Yeah-yeah, it’s this huge place, and-and it’s got this gorgeous view of the park, and very, very romantic. What do you say?

Rachel: Yeah that works.

(He moves to kiss her, but stops when he hears the duck.)

Joshua: They-they-they can smell fear.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Carol has come to pick up Ben.]

Ross: (opening the door.) Hey!

Carol: Hey! How’s Ben?

Ross: Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, “No.” I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said, “No.” I asked him what he wanted to do, he said, “No.” So, he’s sweeping. (We see Ben playing with a broom and a dustpan.)

Carol: Hey, Ben! Hey!

Ross: So umm, any word from Susan?

Carol: Ooh, yeah! She said she’s having sooo much fun with Emily.

Ross: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to you that, I don’t know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun?

Carol: What’s too much fun?

Ross: Y’know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married.

Carol: Oh my God, you are so paranoid!

Ross: Am I?!

Carol: Yes!

Ross: Am I?!

Carol: I can’t speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.

Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Y’know? Say-say they’re coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they’re laughing, y’know, someone innocently touches someone else… There’s electricity, it’s new. It’s exciting. Are you telling me there isn’t even the slightest possibility of something happening?

Carol: Maybe.

Ross: OH MY GOD!! I didn’t really believe it until you just said it!!

[Scene: Joshua’s parents’ apartment, Rachel and Joshua are entering.]

Joshua: …and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me!

Rachel: Wow! This place is fabulous!

Joshua: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living room.

Rachel: Whoa-whoa, there’s two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place must’ve been a real babe magnet.

Joshua: Yeah, well, it would’ve been, but uh, my parents just moved here.

Rachel: Ohh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out?

(They kiss.)

Joshua: Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t uh, I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later?

Rachel: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I can go freshen up?

Joshua: Oh yeah, yeah uh, it’s down the hall and uh, second door to your left.

Rachel: Ah.

(She goes down the hall. Joshua goes to put the food away when his parents walk in.)

Mrs. Burgin: Oh, hi, darling!

Joshua: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here?

Mrs. Burgin: Oh, well we cut the trip short.

Mr. Burgin: France sucks!

Joshua: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I got a date here.

Mrs. Burgin: Oh, say no more!

Mr. Burgin: We’ll just grab some food and take it with us right upstairs, and we’ll be right out of you hair.

Joshua: Oh, that-that would be great. So you didn’t even get to Italy?

Mr. Burgin: Yep, sucks!

(They all go into the kitchen. Just then, Rachel comes back from the bathroom; she had removed her dress and is wearing nothing but a lace nightie. She tries to find someplace seductive to wait for Joshua. She tries to sit on the piano, but it makes too much noise. So she goes over to the couch and kinda half lays down to wait for Joshua. Joshua comes in from the kitchen, sees Rachel, and freezes.)

Rachel: Hi you!

Joshua: Oh my God!

Rachel: I know, I can do more than cook.

(Just then, his parents enter. Rachel gasps.)

Mr. Burgin: I like her. She sees smart.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joshua’s parents’ apartment, continued from earlier.]

Joshua: Uhh, Rachel, my parents…

Rachel: Ohh! It’s so nice to meet you. (She goes over and shakes their hands.) Hello.

Mr. Burgin: Hi.

Rachel: Hello.

Mrs. Burgin: Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries.

Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is not—that’s-that’s not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. It’s-it’s, they’re-they’re wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale’s, so… And obviously in uh, in-in this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am going to report back, “USA not ready.”

Mrs. Burgin: Maybe in L.A?

Rachel: Yes!

Joshua: There you go.

Mr. Burgin: So, have you kids eaten yet?

Rachel: Well, we were going to do that after—I mean umm, next.

Mr. Burgin: Well, we’re starving, why don’t we all go get something to eat?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, well… Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lyin’ around the house.

Mr. Burgin: So… We go eat.

Rachel: Yes.

Mr. Burgin: You’ll wear that. We’ll be eating, and of course, you’ll be wearing that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s erm, Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is looking for a new name in Phoebe’s book of names.]

Joey: Dude, I am sorry about what I said!

Chandler: No, no, you’re right, it is a ridiculous name!

Joey: It’s not that bad.

Chandler: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name.

Joey: So, you’re just Bing?

Chandler: I have no name.

Phoebe: All right, so, what are we supposed to call you?

Chandler: Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint.

Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull of Clint.

Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?

Phoebe: Umm, Gene.

Chandler: It’s Clint. It’s Clint! (He heads for his bedroom.)

Joey: See you later, Gene.

Phoebe: Bye, Gene.

Chandler: It’s Clint! Clint!

Joey: What’s up with Gene?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe and Monica of her date.]

Monica: So, you wore your nightie to dinner?

Rachel: Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out.

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: Oh, no!

Rachel: No, it’s all right. I got nice boobs. (Phoebe and Monica nod there heads in agreement.)

Ross: (returning from the phone.) So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan are going to a poetry reading together!

Rachel: So?

Ross: So! Poetry? Susan’s gay! They’re being gay together!

Monica: Emily’s straight.

Ross: Oh, wake up!

Phoebe: Wow, Carol really messed you up!

Ross: Excuse me?

Phoebe: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. (They all look at her.) All right, so I don’t know what sycophant means, but the rest is right.

Ross: Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am not a crazy, jealous person.

Rachel: Huh.

Ross: What?

Rachel: She’s totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark and there was nothing going on.

Monica: This totally makes sense!

Ross: It does not!

Monica: Oh, sure it does! In high school, you weren’t jealous at all even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you!

Phoebe: All right, all right, so up until ‘92-93 he was very trusting, then ’94 hit, Carol left him and bamn! Paranoid city!

Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely!

Monica: This is so much fun!

Ross: This is not fun!

Monica: Look, all we’re trying to say is, don’t let what happened with Carol ruin what you got with Emily.

Phoebe: Yeah. The ’92 Ross wouldn’t.

Ross: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing.

Rachel: What—yeah—what, y’know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s erm, Chandler and Joey’s, Phoebe is showing off more of her drum skills to Joey by rubbing one of the sticks back and forth across the drum.]

Phoebe: Drum roll.

Chandler: (entering) Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John?

Joey: Nah, you’re not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good Barney.

Chandler: All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse.

Phoebe: You’re actually going through with this?

Chandler: Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, it’s probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women… So, as of 4 o’clock tomorrow, I’m either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson.

Phoebe: You got problems because of you! Not your name! All right, this has got to stop! Chandler is a great name! In fact—yes, (To Joey) I’m, I’m sorry. I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but eh, so, I’m-I’m, I’m gonna, I’m gonna name the baby Chandler.

Chandler: (pleased) Really?!

Phoebe: Yeah, but you have to keep the name too!

Chandler: Okay. Thanks.

Phoebe: Okay!

Chandler: You wanna hug it out?

Phoebe: Yeah!

(They both hug.)

Phoebe: Yay!

Chandler: Yay!

Phoebe: Yay—oh—yay! Okay, I gotta go tell Frank and Alice! Right now!

Chandler: Okay!

Phoebe: Ooh, uh… (She grabs her coat and runs out.)

Chandler: Bye, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Okay, bye!

(She exits, and after the door is closed, Chandler turns to Joey and…)

Chandler: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Joey: Ohh! (Realises it was all a trick to get Phoebe to name the baby Chandler.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go.]

Ross: Nice luggage.

Carol: I was gonna say…

(Susan and Emily get off.)

Susan: Hey!

(They both run and hug they’re respective partners.)

Ross: Hi!

Emily: Hey! I missed you.

Ross: Oh, I missed you too.

Susan: (To Emily) Thanks for everything, I had such a great time.

Emily: Oh, so did I.

(They hug and give each other a little peck on the cheek.)

Ross: (To Carol) No tongue. (And gives her the thumbs up.)

End

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