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Archive for the ‘Season 5’ Category


Part I Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Part II Written by: Greg Malins & Scott Silveri
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is sitting in the living room and Phoebe is standing in the kitchen as the phone rings.]

Rachel: Pheebs? Could you get that? Please?

Phoebe: Why? Just ’cause you’re too lazy to get up off your touchie?

Rachel: No! No! It’s just that all the people in the entire world that I want to talk to are right here.

Phoebe: (smiles) Okay! (Goes to answer the phone.)

Rachel: (under her breath) Sucker!

Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Joey!

[Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and wearing his gladiator costume.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the pin number to my ATM card can, can you get it for me?

Phoebe: Sure! Where is it?

Joey: Uh, I scratched it on the ATM machine down on the corner.

Phoebe: Ohh! So you’re 5639?!

Joey: That’s it! Thanks Pheebs!

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: (to Joey) Ooh, do you want to talk to Chandler?

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn’t believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real!

A Casino Boss: Hey! Tribbiani! Get back to work! Break time’s over!

[Cut to Phoebe]

Phoebe: Who was that?

Joey: Uhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and y’know, he’s getting a little too familiar for my tastes.

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y’know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he’s not gonna let me do it on the phone, I’m gonna go down there and do it in person.

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Uhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him on?

[Cut to Phoebe]

Phoebe: Yeah! (She hands the phone to Chandler.)

Chandler: (To Joey) Hey!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Don’t come out here!

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: No-no-no-no, I’ve supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: I got that! I forgive ya! Don’t come out here!

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: Forgive me? You haven’t been taking my calls in a week!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Well, I’m totally over it Chandler. Friends forever! Don’t come out here!

A Tourist: (To Joey) Would you mind doing a picture with us?

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: Uh, what was that?

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Uh, Entertainment Tonight. [Cut to Chandler] Yeah, okay so, good talking to ya and don’t come out here. All right. (Hangs up the phone and poses for that picture.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is entering.]

Phoebe: Monica! I’m sorry I’m late! (Starts looking around for her) Monica? (Goes into Monica’s bedroom.)

Monica: (entering) Phoebe? (Phoebe comes back into the living room) Oh, Phoebe, I’m so sorry. Have you been here long?

Phoebe: (saddened) It’s okay. What the hell took you so long?

Monica: Okay, you can not tell Chandler. Okay? That I ran into Richard.

Phoebe: Which Richard?

Monica: The Richard.

Phoebe: Richard Simmons?! Oh my God!

Monica: Noo! My ex-boyfriend Richard! Y’know the tall guy, moustache?

Phoebe: Oh! Okay, that actually makes more sense. So how was it?

Monica: It was, it was really nice. We started talking and I-I ended up having lunch with him.

Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that you’d have lunch with Richard.

Monica: Really?

Phoebe: But again, Simmons. Go on.

Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I didn’t feel anything at all!

Phoebe: Ooh! So now why can’t we tell Chandler?

Monica: Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow’s our anniversary. I just don’t want anything to spoil that.

Phoebe: Oh, I can’t believe you guys lasted a whole year!

Monica: I know.

Phoebe: Wow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: On a totally different bet.

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: It’s almost our anniversary!

Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler.

Phoebe: Awww! Now you’re just my annoying friend Chandler.

Chandler: Huh.

Monica: I got you a present!

Chandler: Oh, but it’s not ’til tomorrow!

Monica: I know, but you have to open it today! (Hands it too him.)

Chandler: Okay.

(He starts taking his time opening it. Finally Monica snaps.)

Monica: (grabbing the gift from him and opening it) Okay! There you go! It’s two tickets to Vegas!

Chandler: Wow!

Monica: For this weekend! Oh gosh, it would be perfect, we get to see Joey plus we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call it out plane-aversary.

Chandler: Do we have to?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn’t want any of us out there.

Monica: Oh, he just doesn’t want us to go through any trouble. Think of how excited he’ll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary!

Chandler: Yeah, I think we should see other people.

Monica: But we can go, right?

Chandler: Yes.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: It’s a great idea. (They kiss)

Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna go too!

Chandler: Y’know Pheebs, it’s kinda our (His and Monica’s) anniversary.

Phoebe: Oh please, you are not gonna ditch again like you did with London.

Monica: Ditch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets!

Phoebe: Uh-huh, great story! I’m going!

Rachel: (entering with Ross) Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey, you guys, listen, this weekend we’re all gonna go to Las Vegas to surprise Joey! Including me!! You wanna go?!

Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work.

Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me!

Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I’ve got a presentation tomorrow. I can’t miss that.

Ross: Oh, but I’ve got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I’ve been waiting like a year for this.

Chandler: (coughing) Art lover!

Ross: What’d you say?

Chandler: I said art lover.

Ross: Is that supposed to be an insult?

Chandler: I don’t know, I’m very tired.

Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday.

Rachel: That sounds great.

Ross: Yeah? All right I’ll call the airlines. (Picks up the phone and does so)

Rachel: Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked.

Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y’know? Have a little alone time.

Phoebe: Naked alone time.

Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I’m alone doesn’t mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don’t walk around naked.

Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?

[Scene: An airplane cabin, Phoebe has the aisle seat, Chandler the window, and Monica’s stuck in that horrible middle seat.]

Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to London?

Chandler: So it’s pretty much the same Pheebs.

Phoebe: Okay, what about after I give you these candies? (Hands them each one from her purse.)

Chandler: Yeah, I guess it’s a little better now.

Phoebe: Ah-ha! Okay, (takes out a notepad) Las Vegas 1, London 0! I’ll be right back. (Gets up and heads aft.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Happy plane-aversary.

Monica: Aww! I love you!

Chandler: Can I give you a present now?

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Don’t tell me I did this!

Monica: I love the “I forgot the present” fake out!

Chandler: How do you feel about the, “I really did forgot the present, please forgive me” not fake out?

Monica: Oh that’s okay. Don’t worry about it, you can give it to me when we get back.

Chandler: Ohh that’s the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever!

Phoebe: (sitting down) Oh good! All right, so you decided to tell him about the Richard thing.

Chandler: What-what Richard thing?

Phoebe: Oh no. [The patented version.]

Chandler: What Richard thing?

Phoebe: (To Monica under her breath) Simmons! Go with Simmons!

Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn’t tell you is because I knew you’d get mad and I didn’t want to spoil our anniversary.

Chandler: (talking out of the side of his mouth) I’m not mad.

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It’s no big deal. (He still ain’t happy.)

Monica: Great!

(Pause.)

Phoebe: Okay, London 1…

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime programming, we didn’t see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn’t have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and…]

Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! {Don’t get your hopes up guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. Its times like these I wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Denis Franz’s butt.} (In her head.) Huh, check me out! I’m in my kitchen…naked! I’m picking up an orange. (Does so) I’m naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body away.)

[Cut to Ross’s apartment, he’s sitting by his window looking at an art book. As he’s turning the page, he glances up and notices something.]

Ross: (in his head) Oh my God! That’s Rachel naked! I can’t look at that! I am looking at this. (Looks back at his book.) Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush strokesUnless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I’m home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone’s lonely tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You’re being silly! Or, am I?

[Cut back to Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. Y’know, I think I’d pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!]

Rachel: (singing) Love to love ya baby! Ow! Love to love ya baby! Ow! (There’s a knock on the door, she turns off the music, puts on her robe, and goes to answer the door.) Love to love ya, baby! (There’s another knock.) Darnit! (Looks through the peephole and turns on the lights.) Ugh. (She opens the door to Ross who’s leaning against the door jam.)

Ross: Hey.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the scene is continued from where we left off before the break.]

Ross: May I come in?

Rachel: Uh, yeah, if you want too.

Ross: Do you want me too?

Rachel: Yeah, sure?

Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach, before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.) This is just about tonight. I don’t to go through with this if it’s going to raise the question of “Us.” (Rachel’s confused) Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.)

Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross?

Ross: The physical act of love. (Hisses at her.)

Rachel: (laughs) What?! Are you crazy?

Ross: Oh so-so you weren’t trying to entice me just now with your-your nakedness?

Rachel: (gasps) Oh God, you saw me?! Oh!

Ross: You weren’t trying to entice me with your nakedness.

Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with you?!

Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and heads for the door.)

Rachel: Ohh wow! I’m sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes!

Ross: Can we, can we just forget this ever happened?

Rachel: Yes of course, absolutely! You’re right. I’m sorry.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: All right I guess I’m, gonna go pack. (Starts to leave)

Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the question of “us?”

(Ross storms off embarrassed.)

[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money. Anyhoo, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar’s Palace carrying their luggage.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!

Monica: Phoebe, you don’t eat animals.

Phoebe: For 99 cents, I’d eat you. (Sees the casino) Okay, I can totally settle down here. It’s got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi!

Chandler: Oh my God.

Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.)

Joey: Hi!

Chandler: Love your condoms my man.

Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come.

Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator?

Joey: Uhh, because I’m shooting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, y’know what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in particular) Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are here, I’m gonna take a little break.

Monica: Who are you talking too?

Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it’s not a gladiator movie. I work here.

Chandler: Why?! What happened?!

Joey: Well, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so I’m working here ’til it starts up again, if it ever does.

Monica: I’m so sorry.

Joey: Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell ya. (To Chandler) I’m sorry man.

Chandler: No-no, that’s okay, apparently there’s a new policy where we don’t have to share everything with everybody.

Monica: I knew you were not okay with that.

Phoebe: So you’re a gladiator! Wow!

Joey: Yeah, what-what’s going on?

Phoebe: Monica had lunch with Richard.

Joey: Dawson?!

Phoebe: Noo! But that would’ve been so cool!

Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard!

Monica: It meant nothing! Okay? After all this time, how can you not trust me?

Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don’t tell me about it!

Monica: You’re right. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.

Chandler: Thanks. (They hug.)

Joey: Aww, there we go.

Phoebe: I love Vegas!

Monica: I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you.

Chandler: (pushing her away from another hug) Next time?

Joey: Ooh, so close.

Chandler: There’s not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again!

Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can’t tell me what to do!

Chandler: That’s so funny, because I think I just did!

Monica: Oh y’know what? If you’re gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don’t even want to be around you.

Chandler: Fine with me!

Monica: Fine! Happy Anniversary!

Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big misunderstanding.

Monica: No it is not!

Chandler: What are you talking…

Joey: Hey-hey don’t look at me! I just work here! (Walks away.)

[Scene: An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on their way to Vegas.]

Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I’m-I’m really warm, so I’m going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I’m just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love.

Ross: (sarcastic) Yep! That’s hilarious!

Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m done. I’m done.

Ross: Y’know, last night was embarrassing for you too.

Rachel: No, not really. I mean you’ve seen me naked hundreds of times.

Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building.

Rachel: Okay. All right, that’s true! But y’know I just don’t embarrass that easily.

Ross: What?! You totally get embarrassed!

Rachel: No, I don’t! Ross, I think I’m just a more secure person than you are.

Ross: Is that so?

Rachel: Yeah.

(Pause.)

Ross: (loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey lady! I don’t care how much you want it! Okay?! I am not gonna to have sex with you in the bathroom! (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.)

[Scene: Chandler’s hotel room, he’s sitting there with Joey who’s talking about his helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top.]

Joey: Hey, y’know in Roman times this was more than just a hat.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right…

Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can’t believe this is how I’m spending my anniversary.

Joey: All right well, I’ll take you someplace nice then. Look! A guy tipped me a hundred bucks today.

Chandler: Whoa!

Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe that? $5,000!

Chandler: Y’know, if I won $5,000 I’d join a gym, y’know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)

Joey: Wait a minute! Why don’t I do what that guy did? I’ll take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! And then I’ll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again!

Chandler: Good luck!

Joey: Chandler! I don’t need luck. I have thought this through!

Chandler: I see.

(Joey exits as Chandler shakes his head.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton’s signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background.]

Monica: (to the bartender) Thank you.

Phoebe: Thanks.

Monica: I can’t believe this! This is like the worst night ever!

Phoebe: Y’know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It’s only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so sorry.

Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it’s such a stupid argument. I don’t even wanna see Richard again.

Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He’s probably up in your room! Tell him that you’re sorry and that you love him.

Monica: Y’know what? You’re right Phoebe. You’re right. Thank you! (Gets up to find Chandler.)

Phoebe: Sure! (When Monica gets close to the door.) (Yelling) Yeah! Las Vegas, number one!

[Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.]

Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes her head no.)

The Croupier: Comin’ out. Place your bet. (Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The woman next to Monica rolls the dice.) Double or nothin’! Pay the front line! (Monica won and doubled the chip.)

Monica: Hmm.

[Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their row.]

Guy: (To Rachel) So uh, I’m on my way back to the bathroom. (Ross giggles.)

Rachel: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin’! All right?

(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)

Rachel: Ross! What are you… I’m sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you.

[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]

Ross: (to the guy in the window seat next to him) Hey! Y’know that teacher who had a baby with her student? (He points at Rachel.)

[Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross’s drink, and spills it into his lap.]

Ross: What the? What…

Rachel: (to the flight attendant who appears in record time. It was only seconds after Rachel pushed the call button was she there. Once again, more proof that TV isn’t real, IRL she would’ve been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then Ross’s pants would be dry.) Hi!

The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you?

Rachel: Yes, I’m sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident.

[Scene: Caesar’s Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables on his quest to make enough money for his movie.]

Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.)

Blackjack Dealer: Changing one hundred! (Gives him the change.) Good luck sir.

Joey: (betting all 100) Let’s ride.

Blackjack Dealer: (Deals the cards) 13.

Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer’s hand.)

[Cut to Chandler’s room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.]

Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical hand twin!

Chandler: (totally confused) What?

Joey: My identical hand twin!

Chandler: What’s an identical hand twin?

Joey: What’s it sound like? It’s a guy with my identical hands! It was incredible! Chandler, the dealer’s hands were exactly like me! It-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror!

Chandler: Are you sure you weren’t (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror?

Joey: Don’t you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I’m gonna be a millionaire!

Chandler: (totally confused) How?

Joey: Look, I don’t have it all worked out yet, but it’s gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical hands!

Chandler: Again I must go back to, how?

Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh?

Chandler: (Pause) Y’know, I-I can’t really put a price on that Joe.

Joey: Hey, are you unsupporting me again?

Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn’t, I didn’t get it right away. Y’know now I’m caught up! Identical hand twins! It’s a million-dollar idea!

(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there’s a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Pheebs!!

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: I found my identical hand twin!

Phoebe: Ohh, you are so lucky! (To Chandler) Hey! So, where’s Monica? Did you guys make up?

Chandler: No!

Phoebe: But she just came up here!

Chandler: That was Joey!

Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird.

Chandler: Yeah, well, she’s probably talking to Richard.

Phoebe: Would you stop that! Do you wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with Richard? She didn’t feel anything for him. She loves you!

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: Yes! Now, she feels terrible! She really wants to make up! You gotta find her.

Chandler: Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.)

Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey’s gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats!

[Scene: Caesar’s Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones’s signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos… They’re in Vegas people! Catch up!) It’s Not Unusual, y’know, “It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone! It’s not unusual to have fun with anyone!   But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it’s not unusual to see me cry!   I wanna die.” Well, while that’s playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.]

[Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.]

The Flight Attendant: (to another passenger) Welcome to Las Vegas.

(Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross’s evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.)

The Flight Attendant: (To Rachel) Thank you! (Not sure of herself) Enjoy your flight?

Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. (Disembarks)

The Flight Attendant: (To Ross) Hope you had a nice flight.

Ross: Ohh, it was the best!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering.]

Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points)

Rachel: Ahh.

(A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.)

Rachel: Hello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me.

Phoebe: (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey!

Ross: Phoebe! (They hug.)

Phoebe: You guys are here! Yay!

Rachel: Hi! (Hugs Phoebe)

Phoebe: (sees Rachel’s face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you’re Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.)

Rachel: Pancho Vila?

Phoebe: Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel’s “make-up.”)

Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don’t… (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!

Ross: Hey, you wet my pants!

Phoebe: Whoa, what kind of party was this?

Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I can—you have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom)

Ross: Rach! Wait! The men’s room is that way. (Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.)

(The old lady at Phoebe’s machine wins. Phoebe turns around in shock.)

Phoebe: Ugh!

Ross: What?

Phoebe: That’s like the third time that lady’s won on a machine I was playing.

Ross: Oooohhh, I’ll bet she’s one of those people.

Phoebe: M-M-Mole people?

Ross: What? No-no, a lurker.

Phoebe: Oh. What’s a lurker?

Ross: Okay when you’re playing a machine and it hasn’t paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then…

Phoebe: Kills you?

Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.

Phoebe: Ohhh!

Ross: Uh-hmm.

Phoebe: How do you know about this?

Ross: My nana used to do it. That’s how she paid for all my dance—karate lessons.

Phoebe: Dance karate?

Ross: Yes, it’s a deadly but beautiful sport. (Does a karate chop, then does a little dance-type sway.)

Rachel: (returning with her purse covering her face) All right, it won’t come off!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: It won’t come off!

Ross: Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure?

Rachel: No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on.

Joey: (entering) Hey-hey-hey you made it!

Ross: Joey!!

Joey: All right! Hey-hey!

Rachel: Hi!!

Joey: Who’s your friend? He’s hot! (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks him with her purse.)

Ross: (To Joey) Thanks man.

Rachel: Hi. (She hugs Joey.)

Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie.

Joey: No, don’t be sorry. I don’t need it anymore. I found my identical hand twin!

Ross: Your what?

Joey: My identical hand twin! The person whose hands are exactly like mine! This thing is a gold mine!

Ross: What?! That’s not gonna make you any money!

Joey: Okay. Well, if that’s how you feel about it, fine! None of you get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb.

[Scene: The craps table, Monica is on a big roll.]

Monica: All right baby, come on! (Rolls the dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fire!

Chandler: (walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon.

Monica: Wait Chandler, what are you doing?!

Chandler: What does it look like? I’m going home.

Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! I’m sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don’t want me to see Richard again, I won’t! He means nothing to me!

Chandler: Come on! I was there! (He’s propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he’s the love of your life.

Monica: Not any more.

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let’s forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is empty.

Chandler: Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing.

[Scene: A blackjack table, it’s the same one Joey’s hand twin was working at, only he’s not there anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful woman.]

Joey: (entering) Uhh, hey. Where’s the other guy?

The Woman Dealer: Which guy?

Joey: He’s kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. (Holds up his hand.) See?

The Woman Dealer: I don’t know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom.

Joey: Okay! (Walks away, then turns back.) How you doin’?

The Woman Dealer: Very busy.

Joey: Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn’t they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it’s just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer’s at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn’t and it’s just one of those things TV writers just don’t explain. Anyhoo…]

Ross: (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend’s face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn’t think so. (Listens) I know it’s like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway, umm well make-up didn’t cover it and we’ve tried everything to get it off and nothing’s worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh! Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah, it’s not coming off.

Rachel: What?! What else did he say?

Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So…(Rachel stares at him.) Okay, look-look umm, let’s just go downstairs, we’ll have some fun, and you will forget all about it.

Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this!

Ross: Oh, come on! Rach, it’s-it’s not that bad.

Rachel: Ross, I am a human doodle!!

Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons…of…freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear!

(They both exit.)

[Time lapse, they’re both entering.]

Ross: Okay, there was some staring and pointing.

Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.)

Ross: Oh, hey y’know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it’s all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink!

Rachel: (she’s finished reliving the fridge of its entire alcohol content.) Macadamia nut?

Ross: (looking at the price list) Umm… Wow! That’s-that’s some pricey nut!

Rachel: Hm-mmm! (Opens the container)

Ross: Really like those Macadamia nuts, huh?

Rachel: Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in another direction.)

[Scene: The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her head around the aisle of slot machines.]

Phoebe: (seeing her) Get out of here you lurker! (She doesn’t move) Go on! Get! (She throws a quarter at her.)

Chandler: (arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: Ohh! You made up!

Monica: Yeah, I couldn’t be mad at him for too long.

Chandler: Yeah, she couldn’t live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.)

Phoebe: Ohh, get a room.

Monica: We have one.

Phoebe: I know. Use it.

[Scene: The Men’s room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.]

Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That’s right, you take good care of those babies!

Joey’s Hand Twin: Excuse me?

Joey: It’s me, Joey!

Joey’s Hand Twin: Do I know you?

Joey: (holds up his hand) Joey!

Joey’s Hand Twin: Oh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the hand guy.

Joey: Okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?!

Joey’s Hand Twin: Nothing?

Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA’s gonna wanna talk to us!

Joey’s Hand Twin: (tries to leave) I have to get back to…

Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y’know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that’s your hand! No wait, it’s my hand!

Joey’s Hand Twin: That’s okay. (Walks out.)

Joey: (following him) But you haven’t even heard the chorus!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the mirror.]

Rachel: Oh my God, I’m starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel.

Ross: (gets up) All right. Y’know what? We don’t have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, we’ll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13.

Rachel: Hit me!

Ross: (does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.) Which is what we play to at this casino! You win 10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.)

Rachel: I bet 20.

Ross: You’re right! (Gives her the twenty she won.)

[Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler’s with her and she has a huge crowd of people around.]

Monica: (shaking the dice) A new pair of shoes for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the dice.) Yes!

Chandler: Yes! I’ve-I’ve never seen a roll like this in my life!

Monica: That’s right baby! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6?

Monica: Pick a number! That is your only job!

Chandler: 8. 8!

Monica: Thank you!

Chandler: If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner!

All: Yay!!

The Croupier: 8!

Monica: Yes!

All: Yay!!

Monica: (To Chandler) We’re not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we?

Chandler: Noo!

Monica: Okay, good! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Two fours.

Monica: Okay. (Rolls the dice)

The Croupier: 8!:

A Drunken Gambler: (To Chandler) Don’t you let her go! You’re a lucky guy!

Chandler: Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place.

Monica: All right, biggest suite in the place. Come on! (Rolls the dice.)

Chandler: (sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can’t even remember what we were fighting about!

Monica: Oh, that’s because I had lunch with Rich—Me neither! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Another hard 8.

Monica: Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8!

Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight.

Drunken Gambler: Go! Come on! Roll!

All: Roll-roll!!

Monica: Shut up!! It just got interesting!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Craps table, continued from earlier.]

Monica: What did you just say?

Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.

Monica: Are you serious?!

Chandler: Yes! I love you! I’ve never loved anybody as much as I love you.

Monica: I’ve never loved anybody as much as I love you.

Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must’ve been some movie I saw.} What do you say?

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay! Come on! Let’s go! All right!

(She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the table.)

Chandler: (spots one) Okay! That’s a four! And where-where’s the other one?

Drunken Gambler: It went under the table.

Monica: Nobody move! (To Chandler) Okay, you look that way; I’ll look this way!

Chandler: All right!

(He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They’re both on their hands and knees when they spot the die. It’s propped up against the table leg, and it’s not lying flat. Both the four and the five are showing.)

Chandler: Here it is! Here it is!

Monica: That could be a four or a five. It’s your call.

(Pause.)

Chandler: It’s a four.

Monica: I think so too.

(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it’s Perry Como, but I’m not sure. It’s Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)

[Scene: The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding quarters into the one-armed bandit as the lurker peeks over the top of the machines.]

Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That’s it! You and me, outside!

The Lurker: I don’t want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair!

(They start smacking each other’s cups, but Phoebe notices a security guard approaching.)

Phoebe: Be cool! (They both pretend to have a nice conversation as the guard walks by, but after he leaves they both start fighting again.) Okay lady, your lurking days are over!

The Lurker: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I’m gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I’m gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I’ll be on your ass every hour of every day ’til Monday, because that’s when I go home. When do you leave?

The Lurker: Also Monday.

Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s room, they’ve pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to say, they’re feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack.]

Rachel: Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (She slows down with each one.)

Ross: (runs out of cards) We need more cards.

Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y’know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!

(They both start laughing. There’s a knock on the door.)

Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.)

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Ohh, it’s Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.)

Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.)

Joey: Hi!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate!

Ross: I’ll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I’m your man. (He starts to sit down on the bed. There’s one problem though, he’s about two feet to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you okay?

Joey: Yeah! I’m fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave, but gets an idea and stops.) Hey Rach, how you doin’?

Rachel: I’m doin’ good, baby. How you doin’?

Joey: Ross, don’t let her drink anymore! (Exits)

Ross: Ohh, here’s that Macadamia nut!

Rachel: Ohhh!!

Ross: (he puts it in his mouth) Nope! Something else. (Throws it back under the bed.)

Rachel: Oops! All right, so what do you want to do now?

Ross: I wanna get out of the room! Y’know, I…I really miss downstairs.

Rachel: Okay, y’know what? There’s only one way I’m leaving this hotel room.

[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]

Ross: Well hello! I’m Ross!

Rachel: Good luck to ya!

Ross: Excuse me sir, you’ve got a little something right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.)

(They’ve made their way to the statue of the naked man that Chandler was leaning against earlier.)

Rachel: Wow!

Ross: (bowing) Hello!

Rachel: (bowing) Hello!

Ross and Rachel: (bowing) Hello!

(They both continue on and Ross meows like a cat.)

[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker’s position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]

Phoebe: I won! I won! I finally won!

The Lurker: I won! That was my quarter!

Phoebe: Fine! Here! Take a hike toots! (Gives back her quarter.)

(The security guard approaches.)

The Lurker: (to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This lady played my quarter, this is my money. (Motions to the jackpot.)

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Is that true miss?

Phoebe: (quietly) Sells drugs to kids.

The Security Guard: What?!

Phoebe: She sells drugs to kids. (The guard looks at the lurker.)

The Lurker: It was my quarter!

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Was it her quarter?

Phoebe: How about we talk about this over dinner?

The Security Guard: Okay lady, you’re out of here.

Phoebe: No! No, you can’t arrest me! No!! I won’t go back! I won’t go back to that hell hole!!

The Security Guard: I’m just taking you outside!

Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks out.)

[Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]

Monica: Okay, come on, I can’t get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here’s something, here’s something blue and new.

Monica: You’re so efficient. I love you!

Chandler: Let’s go! (Starts to leave.)

Monica: No-no-no! We need something old!

Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I’ve had since I was twelve.

Monica: That’ll work!

Chandler: I don’t think so.

Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed!

Chandler: (looks around) Here just…take this. (Hands her the sweater.)

Monica: That’s stealing!

Chandler: No, we’ll-we’ll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.

(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)

Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)

Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)

[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who’s dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! “Join me, and together we’ll rule the universe as father and son!” (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in there—Ooh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don’t have to see it!)]

Joey: (sitting down) Ahhh! (Slides his hands across the table.)

Joey’s Hand Twin: Are you gonna play?

Joey: No-no, I don’t really have any money. Not yet, anyway… (Shakes his hands.)

Joey’s Hand Twin: You can’t sit here if you’re not gonna play.

Joey: (throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. {Y’know, looking at it now, they really don’t have that similar of hands. Joey’s are bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.)

Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I’m a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must’ve left it in conference room B.

Joey’s Hand Twin: (To Joey) 14.

Joey: Hit me! (He does so.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! They’re identical! Now, I’ve never seen anything like that in the business world.

Joey’s Hand Twin: Stop it!

Joey: Uhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table?

Joey’s Hand Twin: Please stop it!

Joey: Wouldn’t you pay good money to see these identical hands showcased in some type of a uh, entertainment venue?

Joey’s Hand Twin: (To Joey) If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it too you!

(The security guard from before approaches and Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.)

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Didn’t I just throw you out of here?

Phoebe: No, you threw out Phoebe. I’m Ms. Regina Phalange. Phalange!

The Security Guard: Come on, lady! (Starts to escort her out.)

Joey’s Hand Twin: Please, please take him too. (Motions to Joey.)

Joey: Me?! Oh come on, man! You can’t do this! Come on! (Being dragged out by the guard) I’m your hand twin!!

[Scene: A Little White Chapel, Chandler and Monica are entering.]

Chandler: Hello! One marriage please!

Monica: Yep, we wanna get married!

The Attendant: Well, there’s a service in progress. Have a seat.

Chandler and Monica: All right.

(They both sit down.)

Chandler: (singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: Oh, that’s The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?

Monica: No, only because that’s the graduation song.

(The real Wedding March begins playing from behind the closed doors of the chapel.)

Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We’re gonna get married!

Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this?

(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel’s carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)

Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)

Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)

(They storm out into the street.)

Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!

(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they’re standing there dumbstruck as The King’s (Elvis Presley to the yougin’s) Viva, Las Vegas begins to play. Sing along with me now, “Viva! Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa! Vivaaaaa! Las Vegassssss!!” Fade to Black.)

Ending Credits

[That’s all folks, no teaser; just the big cliffhanger for season 6. Yes, there will be a season 6, and it’ll start again in September. Have a good summer everyone!]

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Part I Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Part II Written by: Greg Malins & Scott Silveri
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is sitting in the living room and Phoebe is standing in the kitchen as the phone rings.]

Rachel: Pheebs? Could you get that? Please?

Phoebe: Why? Just ’cause you’re too lazy to get up off your touchie?

Rachel: No! No! It’s just that all the people in the entire world that I want to talk to are right here.

Phoebe: (smiles) Okay! (Goes to answer the phone.)

Rachel: (under her breath) Sucker!

Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Joey!

[Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and wearing his gladiator costume.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the pin number to my ATM card can, can you get it for me?

Phoebe: Sure! Where is it?

Joey: Uh, I scratched it on the ATM machine down on the corner.

Phoebe: Ohh! So you’re 5639?!

Joey: That’s it! Thanks Pheebs!

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: (to Joey) Ooh, do you want to talk to Chandler?

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn’t believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real!

A Casino Boss: Hey! Tribbiani! Get back to work! Break time’s over!

[Cut to Phoebe]

Phoebe: Who was that?

Joey: Uhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and y’know, he’s getting a little too familiar for my tastes.

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y’know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he’s not gonna let me do it on the phone, I’m gonna go down there and do it in person.

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Uhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him on?

[Cut to Phoebe]

Phoebe: Yeah! (She hands the phone to Chandler.)

Chandler: (To Joey) Hey!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Don’t come out here!

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: No-no-no-no, I’ve supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: I got that! I forgive ya! Don’t come out here!

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: Forgive me? You haven’t been taking my calls in a week!

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Well, I’m totally over it Chandler. Friends forever! Don’t come out here!

A Tourist: (To Joey) Would you mind doing a picture with us?

[Cut to Chandler]

Chandler: Uh, what was that?

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: Uh, Entertainment Tonight. [Cut to Chandler] Yeah, okay so, good talking to ya and don’t come out here. All right. (Hangs up the phone and poses for that picture.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is entering.]

Phoebe: Monica! I’m sorry I’m late! (Starts looking around for her) Monica? (Goes into Monica’s bedroom.)

Monica: (entering) Phoebe? (Phoebe comes back into the living room) Oh, Phoebe, I’m so sorry. Have you been here long?

Phoebe: (saddened) It’s okay. What the hell took you so long?

Monica: Okay, you can not tell Chandler. Okay? That I ran into Richard.

Phoebe: Which Richard?

Monica: The Richard.

Phoebe: Richard Simmons?! Oh my God!

Monica: Noo! My ex-boyfriend Richard! Y’know the tall guy, moustache?

Phoebe: Oh! Okay, that actually makes more sense. So how was it?

Monica: It was, it was really nice. We started talking and I-I ended up having lunch with him.

Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that you’d have lunch with Richard.

Monica: Really?

Phoebe: But again, Simmons. Go on.

Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I didn’t feel anything at all!

Phoebe: Ooh! So now why can’t we tell Chandler?

Monica: Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow’s our anniversary. I just don’t want anything to spoil that.

Phoebe: Oh, I can’t believe you guys lasted a whole year!

Monica: I know.

Phoebe: Wow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: On a totally different bet.

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: It’s almost our anniversary!

Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler.

Phoebe: Awww! Now you’re just my annoying friend Chandler.

Chandler: Huh.

Monica: I got you a present!

Chandler: Oh, but it’s not ’til tomorrow!

Monica: I know, but you have to open it today! (Hands it too him.)

Chandler: Okay.

(He starts taking his time opening it. Finally Monica snaps.)

Monica: (grabbing the gift from him and opening it) Okay! There you go! It’s two tickets to Vegas!

Chandler: Wow!

Monica: For this weekend! Oh gosh, it would be perfect, we get to see Joey plus we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call it out plane-aversary.

Chandler: Do we have to?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn’t want any of us out there.

Monica: Oh, he just doesn’t want us to go through any trouble. Think of how excited he’ll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary!

Chandler: Yeah, I think we should see other people.

Monica: But we can go, right?

Chandler: Yes.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: It’s a great idea. (They kiss)

Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna go too!

Chandler: Y’know Pheebs, it’s kinda our (His and Monica’s) anniversary.

Phoebe: Oh please, you are not gonna ditch again like you did with London.

Monica: Ditch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets!

Phoebe: Uh-huh, great story! I’m going!

Rachel: (entering with Ross) Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey, you guys, listen, this weekend we’re all gonna go to Las Vegas to surprise Joey! Including me!! You wanna go?!

Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work.

Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me!

Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I’ve got a presentation tomorrow. I can’t miss that.

Ross: Oh, but I’ve got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I’ve been waiting like a year for this.

Chandler: (coughing) Art lover!

Ross: What’d you say?

Chandler: I said art lover.

Ross: Is that supposed to be an insult?

Chandler: I don’t know, I’m very tired.

Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday.

Rachel: That sounds great.

Ross: Yeah? All right I’ll call the airlines. (Picks up the phone and does so)

Rachel: Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked.

Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y’know? Have a little alone time.

Phoebe: Naked alone time.

Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I’m alone doesn’t mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don’t walk around naked.

Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?

[Scene: An airplane cabin, Phoebe has the aisle seat, Chandler the window, and Monica’s stuck in that horrible middle seat.]

Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to London?

Chandler: So it’s pretty much the same Pheebs.

Phoebe: Okay, what about after I give you these candies? (Hands them each one from her purse.)

Chandler: Yeah, I guess it’s a little better now.

Phoebe: Ah-ha! Okay, (takes out a notepad) Las Vegas 1, London 0! I’ll be right back. (Gets up and heads aft.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Happy plane-aversary.

Monica: Aww! I love you!

Chandler: Can I give you a present now?

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Don’t tell me I did this!

Monica: I love the “I forgot the present” fake out!

Chandler: How do you feel about the, “I really did forgot the present, please forgive me” not fake out?

Monica: Oh that’s okay. Don’t worry about it, you can give it to me when we get back.

Chandler: Ohh that’s the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever!

Phoebe: (sitting down) Oh good! All right, so you decided to tell him about the Richard thing.

Chandler: What-what Richard thing?

Phoebe: Oh no. [The patented version.]

Chandler: What Richard thing?

Phoebe: (To Monica under her breath) Simmons! Go with Simmons!

Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn’t tell you is because I knew you’d get mad and I didn’t want to spoil our anniversary.

Chandler: (talking out of the side of his mouth) I’m not mad.

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It’s no big deal. (He still ain’t happy.)

Monica: Great!

(Pause.)

Phoebe: Okay, London 1…

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime programming, we didn’t see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn’t have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and…]

Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! {Don’t get your hopes up guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. Its times like these I wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Denis Franz’s butt.} (In her head.) Huh, check me out! I’m in my kitchen…naked! I’m picking up an orange. (Does so) I’m naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body away.)

[Cut to Ross’s apartment, he’s sitting by his window looking at an art book. As he’s turning the page, he glances up and notices something.]

Ross: (in his head) Oh my God! That’s Rachel naked! I can’t look at that! I am looking at this. (Looks back at his book.) Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush strokesUnless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I’m home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone’s lonely tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You’re being silly! Or, am I?

[Cut back to Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. Y’know, I think I’d pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!]

Rachel: (singing) Love to love ya baby! Ow! Love to love ya baby! Ow! (There’s a knock on the door, she turns off the music, puts on her robe, and goes to answer the door.) Love to love ya, baby! (There’s another knock.) Darnit! (Looks through the peephole and turns on the lights.) Ugh. (She opens the door to Ross who’s leaning against the door jam.)

Ross: Hey.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the scene is continued from where we left off before the break.]

Ross: May I come in?

Rachel: Uh, yeah, if you want too.

Ross: Do you want me too?

Rachel: Yeah, sure?

Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach, before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.) This is just about tonight. I don’t to go through with this if it’s going to raise the question of “Us.” (Rachel’s confused) Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.)

Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross?

Ross: The physical act of love. (Hisses at her.)

Rachel: (laughs) What?! Are you crazy?

Ross: Oh so-so you weren’t trying to entice me just now with your-your nakedness?

Rachel: (gasps) Oh God, you saw me?! Oh!

Ross: You weren’t trying to entice me with your nakedness.

Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with you?!

Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and heads for the door.)

Rachel: Ohh wow! I’m sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes!

Ross: Can we, can we just forget this ever happened?

Rachel: Yes of course, absolutely! You’re right. I’m sorry.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: All right I guess I’m, gonna go pack. (Starts to leave)

Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the question of “us?”

(Ross storms off embarrassed.)

[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money. Anyhoo, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar’s Palace carrying their luggage.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!

Monica: Phoebe, you don’t eat animals.

Phoebe: For 99 cents, I’d eat you. (Sees the casino) Okay, I can totally settle down here. It’s got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi!

Chandler: Oh my God.

Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.)

Joey: Hi!

Chandler: Love your condoms my man.

Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come.

Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator?

Joey: Uhh, because I’m shooting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, y’know what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in particular) Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are here, I’m gonna take a little break.

Monica: Who are you talking too?

Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it’s not a gladiator movie. I work here.

Chandler: Why?! What happened?!

Joey: Well, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so I’m working here ’til it starts up again, if it ever does.

Monica: I’m so sorry.

Joey: Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell ya. (To Chandler) I’m sorry man.

Chandler: No-no, that’s okay, apparently there’s a new policy where we don’t have to share everything with everybody.

Monica: I knew you were not okay with that.

Phoebe: So you’re a gladiator! Wow!

Joey: Yeah, what-what’s going on?

Phoebe: Monica had lunch with Richard.

Joey: Dawson?!

Phoebe: Noo! But that would’ve been so cool!

Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard!

Monica: It meant nothing! Okay? After all this time, how can you not trust me?

Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don’t tell me about it!

Monica: You’re right. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.

Chandler: Thanks. (They hug.)

Joey: Aww, there we go.

Phoebe: I love Vegas!

Monica: I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you.

Chandler: (pushing her away from another hug) Next time?

Joey: Ooh, so close.

Chandler: There’s not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again!

Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can’t tell me what to do!

Chandler: That’s so funny, because I think I just did!

Monica: Oh y’know what? If you’re gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don’t even want to be around you.

Chandler: Fine with me!

Monica: Fine! Happy Anniversary!

Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big misunderstanding.

Monica: No it is not!

Chandler: What are you talking…

Joey: Hey-hey don’t look at me! I just work here! (Walks away.)

[Scene: An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on their way to Vegas.]

Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I’m-I’m really warm, so I’m going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I’m just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love.

Ross: (sarcastic) Yep! That’s hilarious!

Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m done. I’m done.

Ross: Y’know, last night was embarrassing for you too.

Rachel: No, not really. I mean you’ve seen me naked hundreds of times.

Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building.

Rachel: Okay. All right, that’s true! But y’know I just don’t embarrass that easily.

Ross: What?! You totally get embarrassed!

Rachel: No, I don’t! Ross, I think I’m just a more secure person than you are.

Ross: Is that so?

Rachel: Yeah.

(Pause.)

Ross: (loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey lady! I don’t care how much you want it! Okay?! I am not gonna to have sex with you in the bathroom! (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.)

[Scene: Chandler’s hotel room, he’s sitting there with Joey who’s talking about his helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top.]

Joey: Hey, y’know in Roman times this was more than just a hat.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right…

Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can’t believe this is how I’m spending my anniversary.

Joey: All right well, I’ll take you someplace nice then. Look! A guy tipped me a hundred bucks today.

Chandler: Whoa!

Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe that? $5,000!

Chandler: Y’know, if I won $5,000 I’d join a gym, y’know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)

Joey: Wait a minute! Why don’t I do what that guy did? I’ll take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! And then I’ll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again!

Chandler: Good luck!

Joey: Chandler! I don’t need luck. I have thought this through!

Chandler: I see.

(Joey exits as Chandler shakes his head.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton’s signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background.]

Monica: (to the bartender) Thank you.

Phoebe: Thanks.

Monica: I can’t believe this! This is like the worst night ever!

Phoebe: Y’know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It’s only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so sorry.

Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it’s such a stupid argument. I don’t even wanna see Richard again.

Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He’s probably up in your room! Tell him that you’re sorry and that you love him.

Monica: Y’know what? You’re right Phoebe. You’re right. Thank you! (Gets up to find Chandler.)

Phoebe: Sure! (When Monica gets close to the door.) (Yelling) Yeah! Las Vegas, number one!

[Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.]

Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes her head no.)

The Croupier: Comin’ out. Place your bet. (Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The woman next to Monica rolls the dice.) Double or nothin’! Pay the front line! (Monica won and doubled the chip.)

Monica: Hmm.

[Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their row.]

Guy: (To Rachel) So uh, I’m on my way back to the bathroom. (Ross giggles.)

Rachel: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin’! All right?

(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)

Rachel: Ross! What are you… I’m sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you.

[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]

Ross: (to the guy in the window seat next to him) Hey! Y’know that teacher who had a baby with her student? (He points at Rachel.)

[Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross’s drink, and spills it into his lap.]

Ross: What the? What…

Rachel: (to the flight attendant who appears in record time. It was only seconds after Rachel pushed the call button was she there. Once again, more proof that TV isn’t real, IRL she would’ve been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then Ross’s pants would be dry.) Hi!

The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you?

Rachel: Yes, I’m sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident.

[Scene: Caesar’s Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables on his quest to make enough money for his movie.]

Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.)

Blackjack Dealer: Changing one hundred! (Gives him the change.) Good luck sir.

Joey: (betting all 100) Let’s ride.

Blackjack Dealer: (Deals the cards) 13.

Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer’s hand.)

[Cut to Chandler’s room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.]

Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical hand twin!

Chandler: (totally confused) What?

Joey: My identical hand twin!

Chandler: What’s an identical hand twin?

Joey: What’s it sound like? It’s a guy with my identical hands! It was incredible! Chandler, the dealer’s hands were exactly like me! It-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror!

Chandler: Are you sure you weren’t (pause) looking at your hands in a mirror?

Joey: Don’t you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I’m gonna be a millionaire!

Chandler: (totally confused) How?

Joey: Look, I don’t have it all worked out yet, but it’s gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical hands!

Chandler: Again I must go back to, how?

Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh?

Chandler: (Pause) Y’know, I-I can’t really put a price on that Joe.

Joey: Hey, are you unsupporting me again?

Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn’t, I didn’t get it right away. Y’know now I’m caught up! Identical hand twins! It’s a million-dollar idea!

(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there’s a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Pheebs!!

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: I found my identical hand twin!

Phoebe: Ohh, you are so lucky! (To Chandler) Hey! So, where’s Monica? Did you guys make up?

Chandler: No!

Phoebe: But she just came up here!

Chandler: That was Joey!

Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird.

Chandler: Yeah, well, she’s probably talking to Richard.

Phoebe: Would you stop that! Do you wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with Richard? She didn’t feel anything for him. She loves you!

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: Yes! Now, she feels terrible! She really wants to make up! You gotta find her.

Chandler: Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.)

Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey’s gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats!

[Scene: Caesar’s Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones’s signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos… They’re in Vegas people! Catch up!) It’s Not Unusual, y’know, “It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone! It’s not unusual to have fun with anyone!   But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it’s not unusual to see me cry!   I wanna die.” Well, while that’s playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.]

[Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.]

The Flight Attendant: (to another passenger) Welcome to Las Vegas.

(Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross’s evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.)

The Flight Attendant: (To Rachel) Thank you! (Not sure of herself) Enjoy your flight?

Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. (Disembarks)

The Flight Attendant: (To Ross) Hope you had a nice flight.

Ross: Ohh, it was the best!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering.]

Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points)

Rachel: Ahh.

(A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.)

Rachel: Hello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me.

Phoebe: (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey!

Ross: Phoebe! (They hug.)

Phoebe: You guys are here! Yay!

Rachel: Hi! (Hugs Phoebe)

Phoebe: (sees Rachel’s face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you’re Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.)

Rachel: Pancho Vila?

Phoebe: Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel’s “make-up.”)

Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don’t… (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!

Ross: Hey, you wet my pants!

Phoebe: Whoa, what kind of party was this?

Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I can—you have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom)

Ross: Rach! Wait! The men’s room is that way. (Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.)

(The old lady at Phoebe’s machine wins. Phoebe turns around in shock.)

Phoebe: Ugh!

Ross: What?

Phoebe: That’s like the third time that lady’s won on a machine I was playing.

Ross: Oooohhh, I’ll bet she’s one of those people.

Phoebe: M-M-Mole people?

Ross: What? No-no, a lurker.

Phoebe: Oh. What’s a lurker?

Ross: Okay when you’re playing a machine and it hasn’t paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then…

Phoebe: Kills you?

Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.

Phoebe: Ohhh!

Ross: Uh-hmm.

Phoebe: How do you know about this?

Ross: My nana used to do it. That’s how she paid for all my dance—karate lessons.

Phoebe: Dance karate?

Ross: Yes, it’s a deadly but beautiful sport. (Does a karate chop, then does a little dance-type sway.)

Rachel: (returning with her purse covering her face) All right, it won’t come off!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: It won’t come off!

Ross: Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure?

Rachel: No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on.

Joey: (entering) Hey-hey-hey you made it!

Ross: Joey!!

Joey: All right! Hey-hey!

Rachel: Hi!!

Joey: Who’s your friend? He’s hot! (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks him with her purse.)

Ross: (To Joey) Thanks man.

Rachel: Hi. (She hugs Joey.)

Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie.

Joey: No, don’t be sorry. I don’t need it anymore. I found my identical hand twin!

Ross: Your what?

Joey: My identical hand twin! The person whose hands are exactly like mine! This thing is a gold mine!

Ross: What?! That’s not gonna make you any money!

Joey: Okay. Well, if that’s how you feel about it, fine! None of you get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb.

[Scene: The craps table, Monica is on a big roll.]

Monica: All right baby, come on! (Rolls the dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fire!

Chandler: (walking by with his luggage) See you later Mon.

Monica: Wait Chandler, what are you doing?!

Chandler: What does it look like? I’m going home.

Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! I’m sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don’t want me to see Richard again, I won’t! He means nothing to me!

Chandler: Come on! I was there! (He’s propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he’s the love of your life.

Monica: Not any more.

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let’s forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is empty.

Chandler: Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing.

[Scene: A blackjack table, it’s the same one Joey’s hand twin was working at, only he’s not there anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful woman.]

Joey: (entering) Uhh, hey. Where’s the other guy?

The Woman Dealer: Which guy?

Joey: He’s kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. (Holds up his hand.) See?

The Woman Dealer: I don’t know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom.

Joey: Okay! (Walks away, then turns back.) How you doin’?

The Woman Dealer: Very busy.

Joey: Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn’t they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it’s just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer’s at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn’t and it’s just one of those things TV writers just don’t explain. Anyhoo…]

Ross: (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend’s face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn’t think so. (Listens) I know it’s like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway, umm well make-up didn’t cover it and we’ve tried everything to get it off and nothing’s worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh! Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah, it’s not coming off.

Rachel: What?! What else did he say?

Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So…(Rachel stares at him.) Okay, look-look umm, let’s just go downstairs, we’ll have some fun, and you will forget all about it.

Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this!

Ross: Oh, come on! Rach, it’s-it’s not that bad.

Rachel: Ross, I am a human doodle!!

Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons…of…freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear!

(They both exit.)

[Time lapse, they’re both entering.]

Ross: Okay, there was some staring and pointing.

Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.)

Ross: Oh, hey y’know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it’s all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink!

Rachel: (she’s finished reliving the fridge of its entire alcohol content.) Macadamia nut?

Ross: (looking at the price list) Umm… Wow! That’s-that’s some pricey nut!

Rachel: Hm-mmm! (Opens the container)

Ross: Really like those Macadamia nuts, huh?

Rachel: Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in another direction.)

[Scene: The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her head around the aisle of slot machines.]

Phoebe: (seeing her) Get out of here you lurker! (She doesn’t move) Go on! Get! (She throws a quarter at her.)

Chandler: (arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: Ohh! You made up!

Monica: Yeah, I couldn’t be mad at him for too long.

Chandler: Yeah, she couldn’t live without the Chan Love. (They start kissing.)

Phoebe: Ohh, get a room.

Monica: We have one.

Phoebe: I know. Use it.

[Scene: The Men’s room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.]

Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That’s right, you take good care of those babies!

Joey’s Hand Twin: Excuse me?

Joey: It’s me, Joey!

Joey’s Hand Twin: Do I know you?

Joey: (holds up his hand) Joey!

Joey’s Hand Twin: Oh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the hand guy.

Joey: Okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?!

Joey’s Hand Twin: Nothing?

Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA’s gonna wanna talk to us!

Joey’s Hand Twin: (tries to leave) I have to get back to…

Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y’know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that’s your hand! No wait, it’s my hand!

Joey’s Hand Twin: That’s okay. (Walks out.)

Joey: (following him) But you haven’t even heard the chorus!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the mirror.]

Rachel: Oh my God, I’m starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel.

Ross: (gets up) All right. Y’know what? We don’t have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, we’ll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13.

Rachel: Hit me!

Ross: (does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.) Which is what we play to at this casino! You win 10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.)

Rachel: I bet 20.

Ross: You’re right! (Gives her the twenty she won.)

[Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler’s with her and she has a huge crowd of people around.]

Monica: (shaking the dice) A new pair of shoes for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the dice.) Yes!

Chandler: Yes! I’ve-I’ve never seen a roll like this in my life!

Monica: That’s right baby! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6?

Monica: Pick a number! That is your only job!

Chandler: 8. 8!

Monica: Thank you!

Chandler: If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner!

All: Yay!!

The Croupier: 8!

Monica: Yes!

All: Yay!!

Monica: (To Chandler) We’re not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we?

Chandler: Noo!

Monica: Okay, good! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Two fours.

Monica: Okay. (Rolls the dice)

The Croupier: 8!:

A Drunken Gambler: (To Chandler) Don’t you let her go! You’re a lucky guy!

Chandler: Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place.

Monica: All right, biggest suite in the place. Come on! (Rolls the dice.)

Chandler: (sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can’t even remember what we were fighting about!

Monica: Oh, that’s because I had lunch with Rich—Me neither! Okay, what do I want now?

Chandler: Another hard 8.

Monica: Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8!

Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight.

Drunken Gambler: Go! Come on! Roll!

All: Roll-roll!!

Monica: Shut up!! It just got interesting!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Craps table, continued from earlier.]

Monica: What did you just say?

Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.

Monica: Are you serious?!

Chandler: Yes! I love you! I’ve never loved anybody as much as I love you.

Monica: I’ve never loved anybody as much as I love you.

Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must’ve been some movie I saw.} What do you say?

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay! Come on! Let’s go! All right!

(She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the table.)

Chandler: (spots one) Okay! That’s a four! And where-where’s the other one?

Drunken Gambler: It went under the table.

Monica: Nobody move! (To Chandler) Okay, you look that way; I’ll look this way!

Chandler: All right!

(He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They’re both on their hands and knees when they spot the die. It’s propped up against the table leg, and it’s not lying flat. Both the four and the five are showing.)

Chandler: Here it is! Here it is!

Monica: That could be a four or a five. It’s your call.

(Pause.)

Chandler: It’s a four.

Monica: I think so too.

(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it’s Perry Como, but I’m not sure. It’s Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)

[Scene: The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding quarters into the one-armed bandit as the lurker peeks over the top of the machines.]

Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That’s it! You and me, outside!

The Lurker: I don’t want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair!

(They start smacking each other’s cups, but Phoebe notices a security guard approaching.)

Phoebe: Be cool! (They both pretend to have a nice conversation as the guard walks by, but after he leaves they both start fighting again.) Okay lady, your lurking days are over!

The Lurker: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I’m gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I’m gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I’ll be on your ass every hour of every day ’til Monday, because that’s when I go home. When do you leave?

The Lurker: Also Monday.

Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s room, they’ve pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to say, they’re feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack.]

Rachel: Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (She slows down with each one.)

Ross: (runs out of cards) We need more cards.

Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y’know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!

(They both start laughing. There’s a knock on the door.)

Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.)

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Ohh, it’s Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.)

Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.)

Joey: Hi!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate!

Ross: I’ll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I’m your man. (He starts to sit down on the bed. There’s one problem though, he’s about two feet to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you okay?

Joey: Yeah! I’m fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave, but gets an idea and stops.) Hey Rach, how you doin’?

Rachel: I’m doin’ good, baby. How you doin’?

Joey: Ross, don’t let her drink anymore! (Exits)

Ross: Ohh, here’s that Macadamia nut!

Rachel: Ohhh!!

Ross: (he puts it in his mouth) Nope! Something else. (Throws it back under the bed.)

Rachel: Oops! All right, so what do you want to do now?

Ross: I wanna get out of the room! Y’know, I…I really miss downstairs.

Rachel: Okay, y’know what? There’s only one way I’m leaving this hotel room.

[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]

Ross: Well hello! I’m Ross!

Rachel: Good luck to ya!

Ross: Excuse me sir, you’ve got a little something right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.)

(They’ve made their way to the statue of the naked man that Chandler was leaning against earlier.)

Rachel: Wow!

Ross: (bowing) Hello!

Rachel: (bowing) Hello!

Ross and Rachel: (bowing) Hello!

(They both continue on and Ross meows like a cat.)

[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker’s position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]

Phoebe: I won! I won! I finally won!

The Lurker: I won! That was my quarter!

Phoebe: Fine! Here! Take a hike toots! (Gives back her quarter.)

(The security guard approaches.)

The Lurker: (to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This lady played my quarter, this is my money. (Motions to the jackpot.)

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Is that true miss?

Phoebe: (quietly) Sells drugs to kids.

The Security Guard: What?!

Phoebe: She sells drugs to kids. (The guard looks at the lurker.)

The Lurker: It was my quarter!

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Was it her quarter?

Phoebe: How about we talk about this over dinner?

The Security Guard: Okay lady, you’re out of here.

Phoebe: No! No, you can’t arrest me! No!! I won’t go back! I won’t go back to that hell hole!!

The Security Guard: I’m just taking you outside!

Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks out.)

[Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]

Monica: Okay, come on, I can’t get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here’s something, here’s something blue and new.

Monica: You’re so efficient. I love you!

Chandler: Let’s go! (Starts to leave.)

Monica: No-no-no! We need something old!

Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I’ve had since I was twelve.

Monica: That’ll work!

Chandler: I don’t think so.

Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed!

Chandler: (looks around) Here just…take this. (Hands her the sweater.)

Monica: That’s stealing!

Chandler: No, we’ll-we’ll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.

(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)

Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)

Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)

[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who’s dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! “Join me, and together we’ll rule the universe as father and son!” (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in there—Ooh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don’t have to see it!)]

Joey: (sitting down) Ahhh! (Slides his hands across the table.)

Joey’s Hand Twin: Are you gonna play?

Joey: No-no, I don’t really have any money. Not yet, anyway… (Shakes his hands.)

Joey’s Hand Twin: You can’t sit here if you’re not gonna play.

Joey: (throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. {Y’know, looking at it now, they really don’t have that similar of hands. Joey’s are bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.)

Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I’m a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must’ve left it in conference room B.

Joey’s Hand Twin: (To Joey) 14.

Joey: Hit me! (He does so.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! They’re identical! Now, I’ve never seen anything like that in the business world.

Joey’s Hand Twin: Stop it!

Joey: Uhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table?

Joey’s Hand Twin: Please stop it!

Joey: Wouldn’t you pay good money to see these identical hands showcased in some type of a uh, entertainment venue?

Joey’s Hand Twin: (To Joey) If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it too you!

(The security guard from before approaches and Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.)

The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Didn’t I just throw you out of here?

Phoebe: No, you threw out Phoebe. I’m Ms. Regina Phalange. Phalange!

The Security Guard: Come on, lady! (Starts to escort her out.)

Joey’s Hand Twin: Please, please take him too. (Motions to Joey.)

Joey: Me?! Oh come on, man! You can’t do this! Come on! (Being dragged out by the guard) I’m your hand twin!!

[Scene: A Little White Chapel, Chandler and Monica are entering.]

Chandler: Hello! One marriage please!

Monica: Yep, we wanna get married!

The Attendant: Well, there’s a service in progress. Have a seat.

Chandler and Monica: All right.

(They both sit down.)

Chandler: (singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: Oh, that’s The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?

Monica: No, only because that’s the graduation song.

(The real Wedding March begins playing from behind the closed doors of the chapel.)

Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We’re gonna get married!

Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this?

(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel’s carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)

Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)

Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)

(They storm out into the street.)

Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!

(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they’re standing there dumbstruck as The King’s (Elvis Presley to the yougin’s) Viva, Las Vegas begins to play. Sing along with me now, “Viva! Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa! Vivaaaaa! Las Vegassssss!!” Fade to Black.)

Ending Credits

[That’s all folks, no teaser; just the big cliffhanger for season 6. Yes, there will be a season 6, and it’ll start again in September. Have a good summer everyone!]

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Teleplay by: Greg Malins
Story by: Scott Silveri
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there.]

Gary: (To Phoebe) Would you like some more coffee, baby-doll?

Phoebe: I’m fine, thanks.

Chandler: (To Monica) Yeah, see, I can’t pull of baby-doll can I?

Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I’m gonna get some tea.

Chandler: Okay.

(Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.)

Chandler: Hiya doin’ pumpkin?

Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.)

[Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.]

Monica: So it looks like it’s going really well for you two, huh?

Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I’m gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me.

Monica: (shocked) Oh my God!

Gary: What do you, what do you think?

Monica: I think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her?

Gary: Tonight, but don’t say anything. Okay?

Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I’m so excited! {And I just can’t hide it! I’m about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just couldn’t resist it.} All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because y’know, she cries when they die, and there’s the whole funeral…

Gary: (To Phoebe) I’ll see you after work sweetie. (Kisses her.)

Phoebe: Okay. Bye!

(Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.)

Phoebe: So, what movie should we see?

Monica: (sitting down) Gary’s gonna ask you to move in with him!!

Phoebe: What?! Really?!

Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer!

Phoebe: I can’t believe this!

Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it’s fast. Because, it’s so fast. It’s fast!

Monica: Relax! It’s Phoebe! Not you!

Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)

Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn’t it?

Monica: Ohhhh!

Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don’t think I’m ready for this!

Chandler: So, what are you gonna do?

Phoebe: I don’t know. I’ll just handle it—I’ll ask you to talk to him!

Chandler: Me?! Why me?

Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a…man!

Chandler: I’ll try, but I’m not sure what good it would do, y’know? Because I’m a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.

Monica: That is so sweet! (She kisses him and turns to add some sugar to her tea.)

Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica’s back) Still terrified, I’ll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he’ll do it to Phoebe.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe.]

Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island?

Ross: Uh-huh, that’s why they call it Staten Island.

Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island.

Ross: (he catches the ball and pauses, staring at Joey in disbelief) Also an island.

(The game resumes.)

Joey: Hey, what time is it?

Ross: (looks at his watch) 2:17.

Joey: Wow! You realize that we’ve been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?

Ross: Are you serious?!

Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn’t want to say anything ’cause I didn’t want to jinx it.

Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!

Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that’s the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!

Rachel: (entering) Hey, you guys…

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Is Monica here?

Joey and Ross: No.

Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I’m not sure she’s gonna like it, and it’s gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl.

Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy!

Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay! (She goes and gets her surprise and when she returns with it, Ross stares in shock.) Check it out!

(Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.)

Ross: What-what is it?!

Joey: What the hell is that?!!

Rachel: It’s a, it’s a cat!

Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with Joey on this one.}

Rachel: Yes it is!

Ross: Why is it inside out?!

Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat!

Ross: How much did you pay for that?

Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal.

Ross: Yeah? How much?

Rachel: A thousand bucks.

Ross: ON A CAT??!!!!

Joey: It’s not a cat!

Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it!

Ross: Free cats do that too, y’know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won’t die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it’s life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.}

Joey: It’s not a cat!

Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I’m really excited about this! Okay? I don’t care what you think! I’m gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!

(Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.)

Ross: (To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? Huh?

Joey: Uhh, the ball thing.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn’t it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?!

Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let’s do it!

Joey: Okay!

(They throw the ball back and forth once.)

Joey: (catches the ball) Uh-oh.

Ross: What?

Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel’s in the bathroom!

[Cut to Chandler and Joey’s, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]

Joey: Man, I didn’t think we were gonna make it!

Ross: I know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.) Don’t switch hands, okay?

[Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary’s precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he’s walking through the door he notices a couple of “Ladies of the night” sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)]

Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.)

Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here?

Chandler: Gary, I’m here to report a crime.

Gary: Yeah?

Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don’t spend more time together.

Gary: (laughs, then suddenly serious) What’s up?

Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me.

Gary: Sure. Okay.

Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y’know, live-living together!

Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it would make me happy.

Chandler: You mean scared.

Gary: No, I mean happy.

Chandler: Scared? Happy?

Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing?

Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don’t you see, if you lived with Phoebe she’s always gonna be there. You’re gonna get home, she’s there. You go to bed, she’s there. You wake up and oh yes, she’s there!

Gary: I know! I can’t wait!

Chandler: Were you’re parents happy, or something?

Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I just—I wanna be around her as much as I can.

Chandler: Wow, y’know when you say it, it doesn’t sound so scary.

Gary: So you know what I’m talking about, right?

Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y’know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica!

Gary: No, it’s too soon for you guys.

Chandler: (pause) Yeah, you’re right about that.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Ross and Joey are still playing catch.]

Ross: …now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!

{Y’know, sometimes I think the script writers throw in a line like that to try to trip me up. But it won’t work. I’ll always have the last laugh! <manical_laugh.wav> Okay, so maybe I’m a little deluded, it’s probably just my spellchecker. But, I must admit I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo…}

Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.

{Oh, all right!  Geez, I can’t have any fun!}

Monica: (entering) Hey guys!

Joey: Hi!

Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last night. (Goes to the counter) It was right here, where is it?

Joey: I don’t know.

Monica: All right, come on, I’m-I’m late for work!

Ross: How do you know? You don’t have a watch.

Monica: Guys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and just help me find it!

Joey: Oh, I don’t know…. Yeah, can’t do it.

(He throws it back to Ross, but it’s intercepted by Monica and the guys both scream in horror.)

Monica: What?!

Ross: Monica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball!

Joey: Yeah, we haven’t dropped it in… (Looks to Ross.)

Ross: 2 hours, 27 minutes.

Monica: Really?!

[Time lapse, Monica has joined in and is calling to get out of work.]

Monica: (on phone, faking she’s sick) I-I’m not gonna be able to make it into work today, I don’t feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and Monica has to catch it way over her head.) (Not sounding sick) Yes!! (Realizes what she just did.) (Sounding sick again) Wow! Uh, for a second there I thought I was really better, but I’m not. (Hangs up and keeps throwing the ball.)

(Rachel enters.)

Ross: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without droppin’ it!

Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that’s quite a waste of time.

Monica: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Monica: You have scratches all over you, what happened? (Rachel’s arms are covered with scratches.)

Rachel: Well, it’s my cat.

Monica: (shocked) What?!

Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat.

Monica: I don’t want a cat!

Joey: Oh, don’t worry, it’s not a cat.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You guys this cat is nothing like my grandmother’s cat. I mean, it’s not sweet, it’s not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know it’s saying, “Rachel!”

Ross: Doesn’t sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat.

Monica: (To Rachel) What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300!!

Rachel: Well, I was gonna let you play with it.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing?

Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it.

Phoebe: What?!

Chandler: He’s a great guy, y’know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.

Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! The one thing! And you can’t even do that right! God!

Chandler: I’m sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I’d move in with him.

Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good for nothing.

Gary: Hey Chandler.

Chandler: Hey Gar!

Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. (They move to the couch.)

Gary: You look very pretty today.

Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. (They sit down.)

Gary: Here’s the thing.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: Y’know I really want to move this relationship forward.

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Gary: Because if you’re not moving forward, y’know you’re just moving backwards.

Phoebe: No that’s not true. If you’re not moving forward, you’re just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.)

Gary: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: I want you to move in with me.

Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don’t you think it’s a little too soon? I mean there’s so much we don’t know about each other.

Gary: (disappointed) Oh. Oh-oh-okay, I get it.

Phoebe: I just—I don’t want us to jump into something we’re not ready for.

Gary: (disappointed more) Uh-huh.

Phoebe: I really don’t want to mess up what we have. I’m just—I’m worried it’s gonna be a big mistake.

Gary: (on the verge of tears) Yeah.

Phoebe: Which is why my answer is yes!

Gary: (suddenly happy) Really?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh! (They hug.) I’m so…happy. (She’s not happy.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross.]

Ross: (catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We’re on the same team!

Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours?

Joey: That’s right baby.

Chandler: All right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the game.)

Monica: (jumping in front of him) No-no! Don’t do it! Don’t!

Chandler: What?

Monica: He’s a dropper!

Joey: Oh yeah, that’s right!

Chandler: I’m not a dropper!

Ross: It’s really a uh-uh three person game, y’know?

Chandler: It’s throwing and catching!

Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.)

Chandler: Oh! Oh! That’s so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.)

(Rachel enters with the “cat” and the chick and the duck start to get riled up.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it’s not a cat!

Monica: Oh my—Oh good God!

Rachel: (she’s wearing an oven mitt to protect her hand) I give up you guys, I don’t know what I’m going to do with this thing!

Ross: Baking it didn’t help, huh?

Monica: So, why don’t you just take it back to where you got it?

Rachel: I tried! They won’t take her back.

Chandler: Maybe that’s because she’s a minion of the anti-Christ.

Monica: Rach, why won’t they take it back?

Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats?

Monica: Look, if you want you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it.

Rachel: No Mon that’s not the point. I’m out a thousand dollars, I’m all scratched up, and I’m stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! (Storms out.)

(Monica sneezes.)

Monica: Oh my God, the cat’s made my eyes water! Don’t-don’t throw it to me! My vision’s been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay. It’s okay. Man, that was close.

Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something.

Phoebe and Gary: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Gary: We have great news!

Phoebe: We’re moving in together! Isn’t it great! Yay!

All: Congratulations! Congrats!

Phoebe: I know, I’m so excited!

Gary: So am I!

Phoebe: Well, you’re not more excited than I am! No way! I’m the most excited!

Gary: Okay, I’ll see you at the station later.

Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I’ll see you later! Don’t forget about the moving in!

Gary: All right.

(Phoebe closes the door behind him.)

Monica: So you’re moving in with him. What happened?

Phoebe: I couldn’t tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it’ll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I’ll save on stamps.

Monica: Why, do you write him a lot?

Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don’t they?

All: Yeah! That’s right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah!

(Rachel enters with the cat, wearing the oven mitt, and startles Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out.

[Scene: Gary’s precinct, Phoebe is entering.]

Gary: Hey, honey! Okay, so did you find any apartments? Anything in Brooklyn Heights?

Phoebe: No, nothing.

Gary: Oh really?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Gary: Nothing at all?

Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we’ll move right in. Unless it doesn’t have a pool, I need a pool. (Turns away from him.)

Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

(He takes her into one of those typical interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the movies. Which is really appropriate here, since this is a TV show. What are the odds of that?)

Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.)

Phoebe: (sits down) Yeah, I feel great. ‘Cause we’re moving in together.

Gary: So you uh, you checked the paper for listings in Brooklyn Heights, right? You-you checked the Post?

Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing. (Pause) Can I get some water?

Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today’s Post?

Phoebe: Umm, yeah! Today’s.

Gary: ‘Cause uh, this is today’s Post (produces one from the other chair) and uh, these are the listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, one bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights!

Phoebe: (looks at the paper) Are these for rent! I thought people were just bragging!

Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be going on. (Phoebe looks down in shame.) No-no-no, don’t look at the table. Look at me. (Points to his eyes and she does so) Okay, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said, “Yes” but now she’s having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone. Does that sound at all possible to you?

Phoebe: Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You want me to say it? I have doubts! (Pause) I’m sorry! (Puts her head down.)

Gary: Phoebe…

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: Phoebe, it’s okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there’s a lot of things we don’t know about each other, and I just figure that everything I really like. And the things I don’t know, I get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox.

Phoebe: That’s so sweet.

Gary: Sweethart, but none of that matters if it’s too soon for you. It’s fine! We don’t have to move in together. I just—I want you to be happy

Phoebe: Living with you would make me happy.

Gary: Phoebe, you don’t have to say that.

Phoebe: No, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you!

Gary: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let’s live in an apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.)

Gary: Oh that’s great!

Phoebe: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. (Goes to the mirror) Hey you! Behind the glass! Who are you looking at! I’ve always wanted to say that when I was in one of these rooms, (sees the look on his face) which was never!

[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is trying to sell the cat.]

Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! (A woman approaches.)

Woman No. 1: (looks into the box) Oh my God! What’s wrong with your baby?!

Rachel: It’s not a baby! It’s a cat!

Woman No. 1: Eew! It’s creepy looking!

Rachel: Oh no! No! It’s actually—it’s very sweet. It’s very sweet. Look! (Goes to pet it and it hisses at her.) Yeah, do you want it?

Woman No. 1: (laughs) No, I hate cats.

Rachel: Well, so then what are you doing to me? Okay? Just get out of here! All right? Move on!

(Another woman approaches.)

Woman No. 2: Wow! What an unusual cat!

Rachel: Yes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it?

Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter (Good for her) but… Okay, why not?

Rachel: Oh, terrific! That’ll be $2,000.

Woman No. 2: What?!

Rachel: Okay, a thousand.

Woman No. 2: I thought you wanted to adopt your cat.

Rachel: Well, I do, but you’re just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat.

Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. (Starts to leave.)

Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you know how to haggle, so I’m not gonna try and take you on. Okay? So $800 and I don’t call the cops because you’re robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take cat, leave the money, and run away! Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled) Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can’t you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey, Ross, Monica, and now Chandler are still playing catch. The guys are exhausted and sitting around the room. Monica is still standing all pumped up and being hyper-competitive yet again. {Okay! We get it! She’s competitive!! Must we see all the time?!}]

Ross: I’m starving!

Monica: Come on guys! Suck it up! We’re closing in on ten hours! It’s gut-check time!

Joey: I don’t know who made you the boss? All right? We (Ross and him) invented this game!

Monica: Please! I made this game what it is.

Chandler: Not fun anymore?

Ross: I’m still hungry!

Monica: All right, there’s some pizza at my place, we can all eat with one hand right? Are you with me?

Ross: I am!

Monica: All right! Let’s go! (Runs to the door.) Let’s go Team Monica! (The guys all stop and stare at her) All right, we can work out the name later.

[Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at the table.]

Monica: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls!

Rachel: It’s not! I’m defrosting a chicken. (Pause) Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson.

Ross: Oh, thank God!

Joey: Did you get your money back?

Rachel: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars.

Monica: Wow! You made a profit!

Gunther: (entering with the cat) I just came for the red-velvet pillow.

Rachel: Oh yeah, there you go. (Hands over the pillow.)

Gunther: Thanks Rachel. And-and don’t forget you-you can come visit her anytime you want.

Rachel: Oh good, great! I’ll-I’ll keep that in mind. (Turns and walks away.)

Gunther: (To Ross) Hey! So what is this? Some kind of snake or something?

[Scene: Gary and Phoebe’s apartment, it’s morning and they’re both waking up in bed.]

Gary: I really like waking up with you.

Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It’s such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all day.

Gary: That would be great!

Phoebe: We could have breakfast in bed…

Gary: Wait, just a second.

Phoebe: Okay. (He grabs his gun and shoots the bird.) Oh! Oh no.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Hyper-competitive Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while the rest of them are totally exhausted and virtually asleep.]

Monica: All right! Come on Monica! Look alive! Come on, look alive!

Phoebe: (entering) Oh good, you’re all up.

Rachel: Phoebe! It’s 6 o’clock in the morning! Why aren’t you at Gary’s?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, that’s over.

All: What?!

Chandler: Come on! Gary’s such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!

Phoebe: He shot a bird!

Chandler: Oh that is over!

All: That’s terrible! I’m sorry!

Rachel: Phoebe, are you okay?

Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be alright.

Joey: Oh hey, here Pheebs. (He throws her the ball.)

Phoebe: (catches it) Nah, I don’t feel like playing. (She sets the ball down on the table and everyone gasps.)

Monica: It’s okay. It’s okay. Just pretend that it didn’t happen! Okay? No one needs to know! I mean, Phoebe’s not an official ballplayer! I mean, only official ballplayers can drop the ball!

All: All right. Okay. I’m starving! (They all get up, thus officially ending the game.)

Rachel: Phoebe, honey, wanna get some breakfast?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Okay! Okay, let’s race! First one there wins! Ha-ha! (Runs out the door and everyone watches her leave.)

(Pause)

Chandler: You guys wanna eat here?

All: Yeah! As long as we’re here!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: Man that was great! Huh? Can you believe how long we threw that ball around?

Rachel: Yeah, it is amazing it lasted that long.

Ross: I know. My arm is killing me.

Rachel: No, I meant with the dropper over here. (Points at Chandler.)

Chandler: Y’know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I’m anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I’m not going to describe them, you’ll have to see them.)

End

Read Full Post »


Teleplay by: Greg Malins
Story by: Scott Silveri
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there.]

Gary: (To Phoebe) Would you like some more coffee, baby-doll?

Phoebe: I’m fine, thanks.

Chandler: (To Monica) Yeah, see, I can’t pull of baby-doll can I?

Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I’m gonna get some tea.

Chandler: Okay.

(Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.)

Chandler: Hiya doin’ pumpkin?

Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.)

[Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.]

Monica: So it looks like it’s going really well for you two, huh?

Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I’m gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me.

Monica: (shocked) Oh my God!

Gary: What do you, what do you think?

Monica: I think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her?

Gary: Tonight, but don’t say anything. Okay?

Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I’m so excited! {And I just can’t hide it! I’m about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just couldn’t resist it.} All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because y’know, she cries when they die, and there’s the whole funeral…

Gary: (To Phoebe) I’ll see you after work sweetie. (Kisses her.)

Phoebe: Okay. Bye!

(Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.)

Phoebe: So, what movie should we see?

Monica: (sitting down) Gary’s gonna ask you to move in with him!!

Phoebe: What?! Really?!

Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer!

Phoebe: I can’t believe this!

Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it’s fast. Because, it’s so fast. It’s fast!

Monica: Relax! It’s Phoebe! Not you!

Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)

Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn’t it?

Monica: Ohhhh!

Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don’t think I’m ready for this!

Chandler: So, what are you gonna do?

Phoebe: I don’t know. I’ll just handle it—I’ll ask you to talk to him!

Chandler: Me?! Why me?

Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a…man!

Chandler: I’ll try, but I’m not sure what good it would do, y’know? Because I’m a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.

Monica: That is so sweet! (She kisses him and turns to add some sugar to her tea.)

Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica’s back) Still terrified, I’ll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he’ll do it to Phoebe.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe.]

Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island?

Ross: Uh-huh, that’s why they call it Staten Island.

Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island.

Ross: (he catches the ball and pauses, staring at Joey in disbelief) Also an island.

(The game resumes.)

Joey: Hey, what time is it?

Ross: (looks at his watch) 2:17.

Joey: Wow! You realize that we’ve been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?

Ross: Are you serious?!

Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn’t want to say anything ’cause I didn’t want to jinx it.

Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!

Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that’s the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!

Rachel: (entering) Hey, you guys…

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Is Monica here?

Joey and Ross: No.

Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I’m not sure she’s gonna like it, and it’s gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl.

Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy!

Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay! (She goes and gets her surprise and when she returns with it, Ross stares in shock.) Check it out!

(Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.)

Ross: What-what is it?!

Joey: What the hell is that?!!

Rachel: It’s a, it’s a cat!

Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with Joey on this one.}

Rachel: Yes it is!

Ross: Why is it inside out?!

Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat!

Ross: How much did you pay for that?

Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal.

Ross: Yeah? How much?

Rachel: A thousand bucks.

Ross: ON A CAT??!!!!

Joey: It’s not a cat!

Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it!

Ross: Free cats do that too, y’know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won’t die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it’s life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.}

Joey: It’s not a cat!

Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I’m really excited about this! Okay? I don’t care what you think! I’m gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!

(Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.)

Ross: (To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? Huh?

Joey: Uhh, the ball thing.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn’t it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?!

Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let’s do it!

Joey: Okay!

(They throw the ball back and forth once.)

Joey: (catches the ball) Uh-oh.

Ross: What?

Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel’s in the bathroom!

[Cut to Chandler and Joey’s, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]

Joey: Man, I didn’t think we were gonna make it!

Ross: I know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.) Don’t switch hands, okay?

[Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary’s precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he’s walking through the door he notices a couple of “Ladies of the night” sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)]

Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.)

Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here?

Chandler: Gary, I’m here to report a crime.

Gary: Yeah?

Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don’t spend more time together.

Gary: (laughs, then suddenly serious) What’s up?

Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me.

Gary: Sure. Okay.

Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y’know, live-living together!

Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it would make me happy.

Chandler: You mean scared.

Gary: No, I mean happy.

Chandler: Scared? Happy?

Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing?

Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don’t you see, if you lived with Phoebe she’s always gonna be there. You’re gonna get home, she’s there. You go to bed, she’s there. You wake up and oh yes, she’s there!

Gary: I know! I can’t wait!

Chandler: Were you’re parents happy, or something?

Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I just—I wanna be around her as much as I can.

Chandler: Wow, y’know when you say it, it doesn’t sound so scary.

Gary: So you know what I’m talking about, right?

Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y’know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica!

Gary: No, it’s too soon for you guys.

Chandler: (pause) Yeah, you’re right about that.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Ross and Joey are still playing catch.]

Ross: …now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!

{Y’know, sometimes I think the script writers throw in a line like that to try to trip me up. But it won’t work. I’ll always have the last laugh! <manical_laugh.wav> Okay, so maybe I’m a little deluded, it’s probably just my spellchecker. But, I must admit I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo…}

Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.

{Oh, all right!  Geez, I can’t have any fun!}

Monica: (entering) Hey guys!

Joey: Hi!

Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last night. (Goes to the counter) It was right here, where is it?

Joey: I don’t know.

Monica: All right, come on, I’m-I’m late for work!

Ross: How do you know? You don’t have a watch.

Monica: Guys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and just help me find it!

Joey: Oh, I don’t know…. Yeah, can’t do it.

(He throws it back to Ross, but it’s intercepted by Monica and the guys both scream in horror.)

Monica: What?!

Ross: Monica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball!

Joey: Yeah, we haven’t dropped it in… (Looks to Ross.)

Ross: 2 hours, 27 minutes.

Monica: Really?!

[Time lapse, Monica has joined in and is calling to get out of work.]

Monica: (on phone, faking she’s sick) I-I’m not gonna be able to make it into work today, I don’t feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and Monica has to catch it way over her head.) (Not sounding sick) Yes!! (Realizes what she just did.) (Sounding sick again) Wow! Uh, for a second there I thought I was really better, but I’m not. (Hangs up and keeps throwing the ball.)

(Rachel enters.)

Ross: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without droppin’ it!

Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that’s quite a waste of time.

Monica: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Monica: You have scratches all over you, what happened? (Rachel’s arms are covered with scratches.)

Rachel: Well, it’s my cat.

Monica: (shocked) What?!

Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat.

Monica: I don’t want a cat!

Joey: Oh, don’t worry, it’s not a cat.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You guys this cat is nothing like my grandmother’s cat. I mean, it’s not sweet, it’s not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know it’s saying, “Rachel!”

Ross: Doesn’t sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat.

Monica: (To Rachel) What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300!!

Rachel: Well, I was gonna let you play with it.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing?

Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it.

Phoebe: What?!

Chandler: He’s a great guy, y’know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.

Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! The one thing! And you can’t even do that right! God!

Chandler: I’m sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I’d move in with him.

Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good for nothing.

Gary: Hey Chandler.

Chandler: Hey Gar!

Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. (They move to the couch.)

Gary: You look very pretty today.

Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. (They sit down.)

Gary: Here’s the thing.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: Y’know I really want to move this relationship forward.

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Gary: Because if you’re not moving forward, y’know you’re just moving backwards.

Phoebe: No that’s not true. If you’re not moving forward, you’re just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.)

Gary: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: I want you to move in with me.

Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don’t you think it’s a little too soon? I mean there’s so much we don’t know about each other.

Gary: (disappointed) Oh. Oh-oh-okay, I get it.

Phoebe: I just—I don’t want us to jump into something we’re not ready for.

Gary: (disappointed more) Uh-huh.

Phoebe: I really don’t want to mess up what we have. I’m just—I’m worried it’s gonna be a big mistake.

Gary: (on the verge of tears) Yeah.

Phoebe: Which is why my answer is yes!

Gary: (suddenly happy) Really?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh! (They hug.) I’m so…happy. (She’s not happy.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross.]

Ross: (catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We’re on the same team!

Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours?

Joey: That’s right baby.

Chandler: All right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the game.)

Monica: (jumping in front of him) No-no! Don’t do it! Don’t!

Chandler: What?

Monica: He’s a dropper!

Joey: Oh yeah, that’s right!

Chandler: I’m not a dropper!

Ross: It’s really a uh-uh three person game, y’know?

Chandler: It’s throwing and catching!

Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.)

Chandler: Oh! Oh! That’s so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.)

(Rachel enters with the “cat” and the chick and the duck start to get riled up.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it’s not a cat!

Monica: Oh my—Oh good God!

Rachel: (she’s wearing an oven mitt to protect her hand) I give up you guys, I don’t know what I’m going to do with this thing!

Ross: Baking it didn’t help, huh?

Monica: So, why don’t you just take it back to where you got it?

Rachel: I tried! They won’t take her back.

Chandler: Maybe that’s because she’s a minion of the anti-Christ.

Monica: Rach, why won’t they take it back?

Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats?

Monica: Look, if you want you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it.

Rachel: No Mon that’s not the point. I’m out a thousand dollars, I’m all scratched up, and I’m stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! (Storms out.)

(Monica sneezes.)

Monica: Oh my God, the cat’s made my eyes water! Don’t-don’t throw it to me! My vision’s been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay. It’s okay. Man, that was close.

Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something.

Phoebe and Gary: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Gary: We have great news!

Phoebe: We’re moving in together! Isn’t it great! Yay!

All: Congratulations! Congrats!

Phoebe: I know, I’m so excited!

Gary: So am I!

Phoebe: Well, you’re not more excited than I am! No way! I’m the most excited!

Gary: Okay, I’ll see you at the station later.

Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I’ll see you later! Don’t forget about the moving in!

Gary: All right.

(Phoebe closes the door behind him.)

Monica: So you’re moving in with him. What happened?

Phoebe: I couldn’t tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it’ll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I’ll save on stamps.

Monica: Why, do you write him a lot?

Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don’t they?

All: Yeah! That’s right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah!

(Rachel enters with the cat, wearing the oven mitt, and startles Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out.

[Scene: Gary’s precinct, Phoebe is entering.]

Gary: Hey, honey! Okay, so did you find any apartments? Anything in Brooklyn Heights?

Phoebe: No, nothing.

Gary: Oh really?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Gary: Nothing at all?

Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we’ll move right in. Unless it doesn’t have a pool, I need a pool. (Turns away from him.)

Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

(He takes her into one of those typical interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the movies. Which is really appropriate here, since this is a TV show. What are the odds of that?)

Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.)

Phoebe: (sits down) Yeah, I feel great. ‘Cause we’re moving in together.

Gary: So you uh, you checked the paper for listings in Brooklyn Heights, right? You-you checked the Post?

Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing. (Pause) Can I get some water?

Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today’s Post?

Phoebe: Umm, yeah! Today’s.

Gary: ‘Cause uh, this is today’s Post (produces one from the other chair) and uh, these are the listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, one bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights!

Phoebe: (looks at the paper) Are these for rent! I thought people were just bragging!

Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be going on. (Phoebe looks down in shame.) No-no-no, don’t look at the table. Look at me. (Points to his eyes and she does so) Okay, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said, “Yes” but now she’s having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone. Does that sound at all possible to you?

Phoebe: Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You want me to say it? I have doubts! (Pause) I’m sorry! (Puts her head down.)

Gary: Phoebe…

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: Phoebe, it’s okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there’s a lot of things we don’t know about each other, and I just figure that everything I really like. And the things I don’t know, I get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox.

Phoebe: That’s so sweet.

Gary: Sweethart, but none of that matters if it’s too soon for you. It’s fine! We don’t have to move in together. I just—I want you to be happy

Phoebe: Living with you would make me happy.

Gary: Phoebe, you don’t have to say that.

Phoebe: No, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you!

Gary: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let’s live in an apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.)

Gary: Oh that’s great!

Phoebe: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. (Goes to the mirror) Hey you! Behind the glass! Who are you looking at! I’ve always wanted to say that when I was in one of these rooms, (sees the look on his face) which was never!

[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is trying to sell the cat.]

Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! (A woman approaches.)

Woman No. 1: (looks into the box) Oh my God! What’s wrong with your baby?!

Rachel: It’s not a baby! It’s a cat!

Woman No. 1: Eew! It’s creepy looking!

Rachel: Oh no! No! It’s actually—it’s very sweet. It’s very sweet. Look! (Goes to pet it and it hisses at her.) Yeah, do you want it?

Woman No. 1: (laughs) No, I hate cats.

Rachel: Well, so then what are you doing to me? Okay? Just get out of here! All right? Move on!

(Another woman approaches.)

Woman No. 2: Wow! What an unusual cat!

Rachel: Yes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it?

Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter (Good for her) but… Okay, why not?

Rachel: Oh, terrific! That’ll be $2,000.

Woman No. 2: What?!

Rachel: Okay, a thousand.

Woman No. 2: I thought you wanted to adopt your cat.

Rachel: Well, I do, but you’re just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat.

Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. (Starts to leave.)

Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you know how to haggle, so I’m not gonna try and take you on. Okay? So $800 and I don’t call the cops because you’re robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take cat, leave the money, and run away! Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled) Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can’t you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey, Ross, Monica, and now Chandler are still playing catch. The guys are exhausted and sitting around the room. Monica is still standing all pumped up and being hyper-competitive yet again. {Okay! We get it! She’s competitive!! Must we see all the time?!}]

Ross: I’m starving!

Monica: Come on guys! Suck it up! We’re closing in on ten hours! It’s gut-check time!

Joey: I don’t know who made you the boss? All right? We (Ross and him) invented this game!

Monica: Please! I made this game what it is.

Chandler: Not fun anymore?

Ross: I’m still hungry!

Monica: All right, there’s some pizza at my place, we can all eat with one hand right? Are you with me?

Ross: I am!

Monica: All right! Let’s go! (Runs to the door.) Let’s go Team Monica! (The guys all stop and stare at her) All right, we can work out the name later.

[Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at the table.]

Monica: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls!

Rachel: It’s not! I’m defrosting a chicken. (Pause) Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson.

Ross: Oh, thank God!

Joey: Did you get your money back?

Rachel: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars.

Monica: Wow! You made a profit!

Gunther: (entering with the cat) I just came for the red-velvet pillow.

Rachel: Oh yeah, there you go. (Hands over the pillow.)

Gunther: Thanks Rachel. And-and don’t forget you-you can come visit her anytime you want.

Rachel: Oh good, great! I’ll-I’ll keep that in mind. (Turns and walks away.)

Gunther: (To Ross) Hey! So what is this? Some kind of snake or something?

[Scene: Gary and Phoebe’s apartment, it’s morning and they’re both waking up in bed.]

Gary: I really like waking up with you.

Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It’s such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all day.

Gary: That would be great!

Phoebe: We could have breakfast in bed…

Gary: Wait, just a second.

Phoebe: Okay. (He grabs his gun and shoots the bird.) Oh! Oh no.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Hyper-competitive Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while the rest of them are totally exhausted and virtually asleep.]

Monica: All right! Come on Monica! Look alive! Come on, look alive!

Phoebe: (entering) Oh good, you’re all up.

Rachel: Phoebe! It’s 6 o’clock in the morning! Why aren’t you at Gary’s?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, that’s over.

All: What?!

Chandler: Come on! Gary’s such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!

Phoebe: He shot a bird!

Chandler: Oh that is over!

All: That’s terrible! I’m sorry!

Rachel: Phoebe, are you okay?

Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be alright.

Joey: Oh hey, here Pheebs. (He throws her the ball.)

Phoebe: (catches it) Nah, I don’t feel like playing. (She sets the ball down on the table and everyone gasps.)

Monica: It’s okay. It’s okay. Just pretend that it didn’t happen! Okay? No one needs to know! I mean, Phoebe’s not an official ballplayer! I mean, only official ballplayers can drop the ball!

All: All right. Okay. I’m starving! (They all get up, thus officially ending the game.)

Rachel: Phoebe, honey, wanna get some breakfast?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Okay! Okay, let’s race! First one there wins! Ha-ha! (Runs out the door and everyone watches her leave.)

(Pause)

Chandler: You guys wanna eat here?

All: Yeah! As long as we’re here!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: Man that was great! Huh? Can you believe how long we threw that ball around?

Rachel: Yeah, it is amazing it lasted that long.

Ross: I know. My arm is killing me.

Rachel: No, I meant with the dropper over here. (Points at Chandler.)

Chandler: Y’know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I’m anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I’m not going to describe them, you’ll have to see them.)

End

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Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Seth Kurland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, and Monica are sitting on the couch as Ross is up getting some coffee.]

Monica: Okay, guys, listen, don’t forget that tomorrow is the day that Emily gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep Ross’s mind off of it.

Joey: Oh, yeah, good idea.

(Ross returns.)

Chandler: Hey man, what’s up?

Ross: (sits down at the table) Oh, eh, just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow. (Joey panics.)

Joey: Ooh, Ross, look! Look! (Points behind Ross.)

Ross: (turning and looking) What? Where?

Joey: Right over there! Right there! Look-look-look!

Ross: What am I looking at?

Joey: (to the rest of the gang) Somebody help me out here!

Phoebe: (entering, with Gary) Hey!

Gary: Hello!

Monica: Hey!

Gary: How are you?

Phoebe: Monica, I’m sorry I didn’t come by last night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes.

Joey: You got to go on a ride along?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Joey: I want to go on a ride along!

Ross: Me too!

Gary: Okay!

Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too!

Gary: Really?! You?

Chandler: Yeah.

Gary: Well, it’s kinda dangerous.

Chandler: Well, I like danger.

Gary: Okay, you guys free tonight?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!!

Chandler: Tonight? You-you didn’t say it was going to be at nighttime.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is kneeling at the coffee table and has a bunch of pictures laid out in front of her as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hey! Oh, I’m so glad you’re home, I thought tonight we could finally organize these photos!

Rachel: Ohh, thank God! Finally!

Monica: Okay, I’ve broken them down into categories. Okay, we have uh, we got holidays, birthdays, candids, y’know… And then what I’ve done is I’ve cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you’re looking up, oh let’s say birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? (Hands her the photo.)

Rachel: Ohh, it’s me and La Poo! Wow! I miss that dog.

Monica: You can also find him under umm, dog and dead.

Rachel: Great! Thanks!

Monica: All right, hand me that other box of photos; that’s the very last one.

Rachel: Okay.

(She picks up the box and the bottom falls out, spilling all of the pictures onto Monica’s neat little piles.)

Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you number all of them, huh?

Monica: I hadn’t! Photo 152 was a prototype.

Rachel: Ohhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it’s okay, it’s okay honey. I’m gonna fix you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita?

Ross: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything’s just falling apart!

Rachel: No honey, it’s okay! Listen, I’ll got to Ross’s and get the blender, you get all the margarita stuff ready.

Monica: All right, he’s keys are in the drawer. Y’know what? I also need some cash.

Rachel: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM?

Monica: Nah, while you’re at Ross’s if you see any lying around…

Rachel: What?!

Monica: What?! I-I-I don’t, I don’t do that!

(Rachel slowly leaves the apartment.)

[Scene: Gary’s cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back seat.]

Ross: (to Gary) That was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy.

Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there.

Ross: (to Gary) He told you everything! I mean you totally cracked him!

Gary: Yeah well, being that he was the victim, they’re usually pretty talkative.

Chandler: (laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime.

(Gary reaches up to grab that little light that cops have for unmarked cop cars.)

Ross: Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry for ya?

Gary: It’s called the cherry.

Ross: It’s the—Chandler!!

(Chandler starts laughing at his joke.)

Joey: (returning from a deli) Okay, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich in the world!

Gary: Hey Joe does it have meatballs on it?

Joey: Oh-ho, yeah!

Gary: Does it have melted cheese and marinara sauce?

Joey: Yep!

Gary: Yeah, you can’t eat that in my car.

Joey: (dejected) Yeah okay. (To Chandler) Even though my tax dollars paid for this car.

Chandler: Your tax dollars?

Joey: Yeah, okay.

[Time lapse, they’re still on the ride along and Joey is just sniffing his sandwich.]

Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey’s sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good.

Joey: Did I say you could smell it?!

Chandler: I can’t smell your sandwich?

Joey: Half the taste is in the smell! You-you’re sucking up all the tastiness!

Chandler: Okay, I’ll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?

Joey: Okay, imagine the best sex you’ve ever had.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Are you thinking about Monica?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah, what’s that like?

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is just entering. She takes off her coat and heads for the kitchen. As she does, she knocks something off of a bookcase next to the kitchen door with her coat and it breaks.]

Rachel: Ohh please don’t be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)

Monica: (on the answering machine) Rach! It’s me! Pick up!

(Rachel runs over and answers the phone with the blender in hand.)

Rachel: Hey! What’s up?!

Monica: I need a few more things to make the margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt, some margarita mix, and tequila.

Rachel: So all we have is ice?

Monica: See if he has ice.

Rachel: Okay.

(She hangs up the phone and starts to head back to the kitchen and notices some money lying out, stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings causing her to drop it, she quickly puts it back, and heads for the kitchen.)

Emily: (on answering machine) Hello Ross? It’s Emily. (Rachel runs back into the room with the tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I’m getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and I’m wondering if-if we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you’re not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Rachel: Oh. Oh! (Takes a slug of tequila.)

[Scene: The ride along.]

Ross: So where are we going next?

Gary: This witness won’t return my calls so we’re gonna see if we can surprise him coming home.

Chandler: Sur-surprise him? We’re not, we’re not gonna make anybody mad are we?

Joey: Come on man! (To Gary) Listen so uh, are you gonna squeeze the perps shoes a little bit before he lawyers up?

Gary: It’s a witness not a perp. And no one talks like that!

Ross: Yeah, no one talks like that!

Joey: Oh what? Like your Mr. Cop!

Ross: Hey, I’m more cop than you two!

Chandler: How do you figure that?

Ross: Hello! I’m in the front seat, okay? I’m Gary’s partner!

Chandler: Y’know, when you say partner it doesn’t sound cop. It, it sounds gay.

Ross: Umm, jealous! (He drops the cherry and it turns on.)

Gary: Hey, do you mind? We’re under cover here.

Ross: Yeah, no problem. (Tries to turn it off.)

Gary: Ross!

Ross: Sorry! Sorry! Oh, (He sticks it under his shirt) there! (It’s just there flashing through his shirt) Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home!

(Gary just glares at him.)

[Time lapse, Ross has been demoted to the back seat with Joey and Chandler. He’s not too happy about it.]

Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.

Joey: Yeah, what’s up with that Serpico?

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is playing Emily’s message to Monica.]

Emily: (on answering machine) Are you thinking about me? Of course you’re not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Monica: (does Rachel’s) Nooo!

Rachel: (does Monica’s) I know!

Monica: Well thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that!

Rachel: What?! We can’t do that!

Monica: We have too! I mean what if Ross’s hears that and then calls her back and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn’t let him see you?

Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her. I know that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesn’t give us the right to erase his message!

Monica: I’m his sister, okay? I love him! I don’t want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesn’t that give me the right to control him—help him?

Rachel: I don’t think he’s the one who needs help.

(They both sit down.)

Monica: No, look, she’s obviously unstable, okay? I mean she’s thinking about running out on her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and glares at her.) (Realizing what she just said.) Okay, fine! But I mean, look at the position she’s putting him in! What’s he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! (Rachel again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Okay, fine, all right, but that’s y’know, it’s different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people.

Rachel: Ugh!

Monica: Y’know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she’s trying to play on him.

Rachel: Okay, you are crazy! I’m sorry, but she sounded generally upset! I mean, listen! (She hits a button on the machine.)

Answering Machine: Your messages have been erased.

Rachel: Noooooooo!

[Scene: The ride along, they’re all waiting outside of the witness’s house and still in the car in the same places as before.]

Chandler: Okay, y’know, we-we’re safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!

Gary: No. But that reminds me, (handing back a clipboard) sign this.

Ross: What is it?

Gary: Oh it’s nothing, it just says that you can’t sue the city if you scrap your knee or y’know, get your head blown off.

Chandler: (deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.

Gary: Okay, here he comes. What is he doing? What the hell is he doing?!

Ross: What? What? What? What is it?

Joey: Is everything okay?

Chandler: What’s going on?

Gary: Okay, he sees us. Now don’t move. Don’t look at him.

(They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey slowly throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at what he sees while Chandler is obviously hurt.)

Gary: Hey, it’s okay. It was just a car backfire. (Joey slowly moves off of Ross.) Hey, look at that! You tried to save your buddy. You see that? You see what he did?

Joey: (To Ross) You okay man?

Ross: Uh-huh. Thank Joey!

Chandler: Uh, HELLO!!

Joey: Hi.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Monica has all the supplies she needs and is getting ready to leave.]

Monica: All right, I guess we should go.

Rachel: No, wait. Wait.

Monica: Oh yeah right! (She grabs the money and shoves into her pocket.)

Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this!

Monica: There’s nothing we can do. You erased the message!

Rachel: Yeah well unless we tell him.

Monica: Well, if you’re gonna be totally rational about this, I can’t argue with you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don’t want to be a part of it.

(The phone rings.)

Rachel: Oh, maybe that’s Emily calling back to leave the exact same message.

Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It’s you! I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.)

Monica: Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away!

Rachel: Right?

[Scene: Central Perk, the guys are returning from the ride along to find Phoebe already there.]

Gary: Hey, anybody want to meet a hero?

Phoebe: (excited) John Glenn is here?!

Gary: No, Joey!

Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night! Okay, so, we’re in the car…

Gary: Wait! Hold on! (He goes over to Phoebe and gives her a kiss.) (To Phoebe) Hi!

Phoebe: Hi!

Gary: (To Ross) Okay, go ahead.

Ross: Okay, okay, so we’re in the car. Right? And bang! A shot was fired. And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me!

Phoebe: My God, Joey!

Chandler: (pouting) It was a car backfire!

Ross: Yeah, but-but he didn’t know that!

Joey: Yeah, I didn’t know that.

Ross: And it could’ve just as easily have been a bullet.

Gary: Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you.

Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises!

Ross: Wow! I could’ve died tonight.

Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y’know what, I think I’ll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.)

Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life.

Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)

Gary: (To Phoebe) So you wanna get some dinner?

Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! (Gets up) Oh, y’know what? If I heard a shot right now, I’d throw my body on you.

Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk through a bad neighborhood.

Phoebe: Okay!

Gary: All right.

Phoebe: Bye!

Ross and Joey: Bye!

(They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.)

Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is pacing as Joey enters.]

Joey: Dude! How come you took off?

Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever…

Joey: Is something wrong?

Chandler: No. No I’m just tired. Y’know, from-from the walk.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!

Joey: That’s what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross!

Chandler: I do not hate Ross!

Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You’re mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture.

Chandler: What picture?

Joey: I don’t know, but I don’t like what I’m hearing!

Chandler: Look I’m very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y’know, it could’ve been a bullet and you y’know, you didn’t try to save me!

Joey: Ohh, you’re upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I…knew…you could take care of yourself. Y’know, I mean Ross, he need help. He’s not street like us!

Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That’s the bottom line.

Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn’t trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich.

Chandler: From a bullet!

Joey: I know it doesn’t make much sense…

Chandler: Much sense?!

Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it!

Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich!

Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is (Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world!

Chandler: So you didn’t uh, choose Ross before me.

Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you’re like my brother!

Chandler: Really?!

Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds it out for Chandler) here.

Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)

Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it’s not a hot dog!

(Chandler takes a bite.)

Joey: How good is that?

Chandler: (with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!

Joey: See?

Chandler: Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!

Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.

Joey: Yeah. With a bite! (Takes back the sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez!

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.]

Rachel: Hey! Hi!

Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here?

Rachel: Hey! Y’know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister!

Ross: Y’know, it-it doesn’t matter. The important thing is that you’re here. You’re my friend, and you’re here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.)

Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What’s going on Ross?

Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience!

Rachel: What?! What? What happened?!

Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: And somebody took a shot at me!

Rachel: (gasps) Really?!

Ross: No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I…I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y’know? I-I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now.

Rachel: Because a car backfired?

Ross: (stares at her briefly) Okay, why are you here?

Rachel: Well, I-I-I don’t know how this fits into your whole “seizing” thing but um, Emily called you today.

Ross: You talked to her?

Rachel: No, she left a message. (He starts for the machine.) (Stopping him.) But it-it kinda got erased. There’s just (Pause) something wrong with your machine.

Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say?

Rachel: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her.

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right?

Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course!

Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you! Because—I’m sorry, all right. Because y’know what? She didn’t want me—not important. The point is, I was right. Your decision. Okay? I was right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) Your decision.

Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.

Rachel: Okay, no, that’s not the right decision. That’s not, that’s not right, no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that?

Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would’ve even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean something!

Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience!

Ross: You weren’t there! Okay, maybe this is something that I-I’m supposed to seize! Y’know?

Rachel: Okay, y’know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff.

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped (Pause) (Not believing it) death, y’know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily?

Ross: That does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity, but I-I really don’t wanna see or talk to her.

Rachel: Well, there you go!

Ross: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day.

Rachel: (laughing) Close call day.

Ross: Hey, thanks Rach. (They hug.)

Rachel: Ohh, honey no problem. Okay. (Gets up.)

Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn’t erase it.

Rachel: Oh?

(Ross hits the playback button.)

Ross: (on machine) “Hey Ross, it’s you!” (Hits the stop button) Oh yeah, no that’s-that’s an old message, nobody needs to hear that.

Rachel: No. (She heads for the door again.)

Ross: (looking at the coffee table where his money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah, I want my money back.

Rachel: (going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right?

(Ross is stunned.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Ross: Hey Pheebs, has Gary ever been shot at for real?

Phoebe: Yes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it to himself. It’s not really a good story.

Ross: I wonder how I would react under fire, y’know? And not backfire but-but heavy fire, like I was in a war or something.

Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I mean, I really, I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean I know I would make General way before any of you guys.

Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.

Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.

Joey: Yeah, hero sandwiches. (Points at Ross who points back.)

Phoebe: Well you all know that I’m a pacifist so I’m not interested in war in any way. (Gets up) But y’know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.

(Joey gets all happy with himself, while the rest of the gang is less than enthused.)

End

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Written by: Doty Abrams
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Wow! You look nice. What’s the occasion?

Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we’ve got reservations at Ja George.

Ross: Wow! How’d you get in there?

Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn’t get desert.

(There’s a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It’s the pizza delivery girl.)

Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler!

Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.

Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.

Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Caitlin: It’s uh, 27 dollars even.

Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.

(The duck starts quacking.)

Caitlin: Hey, where’s the chicken?

Chandler: Oh, he’s in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.

Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I’ll see you later!

Chandler: Okay, bye!

(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)

Ross: What the hell was that?!

Chandler: What?

Ross: The flirting! Aren’t you supposed to be going out with, I don’t know hmm, let’s say my sister?!

Chandler: I was not flirting.

Ross: It was totally flirting. “Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)”

Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.

Ross: Yeah, right.

Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I’ll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)

Ross: (backing away) I’m good.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]

Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can’t believe he’s going to be on Law & Order!

Phoebe: I know. But don’t you think that it should be called Order and Law?

Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.

Phoebe: Don’t get me started on that.

(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)

Chandler: I was not flirting.

Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame!

Rachel: What’s going on?

Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!

Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh!

Ross: Well I’m sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it’s the guy who’s single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.

Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl.

Ross: Well…

Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?

(Ross looks at Rachel.)

Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you’ve been married since then. I think it’s okay that we see other people.

Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.

Rachel: Hm-mmm.

Ross: And she’s just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little…

Rachel: Okay, y’know what? We don’t need her measurements.

Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she’s pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!

Ross: This is perfect! She’ll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I’ll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I’m so glad you don’t eat meat.

Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.

Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who’s here! You remember my grandmother!

Rachel: Big night!

Phoebe: This is so cool!

Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!

Joey: Chandler, she doesn’t understand a word of English.

Chandler: I’m sorry, I thought you were Joey’s other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I’ve done it again.

Joey: She’s my biggest fan. Yeah, she’s the only one in the family that’s believed in me.

(They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I’m not Italian and don’t understand one word, we’ll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I’m English. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just that I’m not. Y’know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.)

Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so…

Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!

Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)

Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London…

Chandler: Uhh, Joey’s grandmother is right there. (Points)

Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn’t?

Chandler: The one that doesn’t.

Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I’m gonna go get ready.

Chandler: Hey, why don’t you wear those earrings I gave you?

Monica: That’s a great idea! I was saving them for something special.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home!

Phoebe: But I like it here!

Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.

Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they’re in my purse. Why don’t you go get dressed and I’ll look for them.

Monica: Great!

Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed.

Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I’ll be, yeah I’ll be right back. (Goes to her room.)

(Phoebe then gets possessed ’cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey’s grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn’t understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on…)

Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?

Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn’t affect her at all, like we could really tell.)

Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!

Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where’s the other one?

Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them?

Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where’s the other earring?!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don’t freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it’s in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.

Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!

Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings.

Phoebe: These are her earrings.

Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica’s earrings?! I’m not allowed to borrow her stuff!

Phoebe: Why not?

Rachel: Because I lose her stuff!

[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together? Something to think about.]

Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I’m gonna bash his head in later.

(His grandmother asks him something.)

Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up.

Chandler: If you said, “Big lima bean, bubbling up.” Would she understand the difference?

Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing?

Rachel: Oh boy, I just can’t watch. It’s too scary!

Monica: It’s a diaper commercial.

Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Caitlin: Pizza delivery!

Ross: I’ll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)

Caitlin: Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That’s $12.15.

Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin: What?!

Ross: (I can’t make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old’s, and I’m just saying I like it. The hair.

Caitlin: Oh. Thanks.

Ross: You understand I don’t actually like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin: Y’know, all I’m looking for is the money.

Chandler: Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.

Caitlin: I’m gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)

Chandler: You’re welcome.

Ross: You couldn’t let me have her, could ya?!

Chandler: What?

Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!

Monica: What’s goin’ on?

Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!

Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.

Monica: It’s okay. I don’t care. It’s uh, it’s fine.

Ross: Really?!

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: It’s no big deal, I do it all the time.

Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?

Monica: Sure! It doesn’t mean anything! Just like I know it doesn’t mean anything with you!

Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.

Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)

Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?

Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?

Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Ross: And thank you, for that.

Rachel: But y’know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.

Ross: What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you.

Rachel: Oh! Y’know what? You’re right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me!

Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I’m going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you–I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!

Phoebe: (entering from Rachel’s bedroom) I found it!

Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it?

Phoebe: On your dresser.

Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have!

Joey: Okay, here’s my big scene. My big scene’s here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they’re entering an apartment.) Oh my God.

Monica: What?

Joey: (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It’ll kill my grandmother if she finds out.

Chandler: (smiling) Well, what is it?

Joey: (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.

Rachel: (smiling) What?!

Ross: (smiling) Are you sure?

Phoebe: (smiling) Maybe your scene’s coming up?

Joey: (smiling) Not likely.  ‘Cause you see that body bag right there

Rachel: (smiling) Yeah.

Joey: (smiling) I’m in it.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, it’s continued from before the commercial break.]

Phoebe: (smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do?

Joey: (smiling) I don’t know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died.

Phoebe: (not smiling) That’s not good.

Joey: (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all smile.)

Rachel: (smiling) Joey, why don’t you just tell her what happened? It’s not your fault.

Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren’t we gonna freak her out soon?

Grandma Tribbiani: (Something in Italian to Joey.)

Joey: Soon, soon, I’m gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn’t him.)

Grandma Tribbiani: (pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston!

Joey: No-no-no, that-that’s me, that’s me.

Grandma Tribbiani: No, it’s Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One.

Chandler: Doesn’t know, “Hello.” But she knows Capricorn One.

(Phoebe gets up.)

Monica: (following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we’re going to leave as soon as the show is over.

Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you!

Monica: No you didn’t.

Phoebe: All right, I already didn’t give them back to you, that’s what I said. (Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring?

Rachel: It’s not here Pheebs, it’s not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler’s last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.)

Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler’s jewelry box.

Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?

Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?!

(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler’s and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How’s that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?

Phoebe: (she just looks at him) Why are you being weird?

Ross: Do you like it?

Phoebe: No, that would be, “Why are you being cute?”

Ross: Okay, I’m working on my flirting.

Phoebe: Ohh! I did not get that.

[Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]

Chandler: So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?

Monica: Yeah, it’s good.

Chandler: See, I’m finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!

Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it’s okay for you to flirt, but not for me.

Chandler: Oh, I’m so glad we cleared that up. Look, I’m sorry, some things are different for men and for women.

Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women.

Chandler: Okay, I’ve already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, “I’m just flirting, no big deal.” But the guy is thinking, “Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!”

Monica: No way!

Chandler: It’s true.

Monica: Well that’s pathetic!

Chandler: Again true.

Monica: And this goes for all guys?

Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.

Joey: (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it’s another commercial; I still haven’t told her!

Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial. You’ve got like (checks his watch) ten minutes left!

Joey: I know, I know! What am I going to do? (Thinks) Ooh!

Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here!

Joey: (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.)

Grandma Tribbiani: Joey!

Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let’s-let’s-let’s talk about you. (Pause.) So, you’re old and small.

[Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey’s.]

Rachel: (entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey!

Phoebe: Did you find it?

Rachel: The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I’ve been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts ’em on.)

Phoebe: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me.

Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.)

Monica: (entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the one-minute sign.)

Phoebe: (To Rachel) What are we going to do?!

Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know.

Phoebe: All right well, we’re just gonna have to tell Monica, that’s all.

Rachel: Oh gosh, she’s going to kill me.

Phoebe: I suppose I could tell her it’s just all my fault.

Rachel: Ohh that’d be great!

Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a sec?

Monica: Yeah, what is it?

Phoebe: Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I’m sorry! I am so, so sorry!

Monica: (shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it you lost it.

Phoebe: I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible.

Monica: All right, sweetie that’s fine. You didn’t do it on purpose.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Look at you! Come here! (They hug.) Feel better?

Phoebe: Yeah! You’re the best!

Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can’t do this. Listen honey, this is, it’s not Phoebe’s fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. I’m so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.)

Monica: (angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it’s my jewelry! And if it’s not my jewelry, it’s-it’s my blue sweater! And if it’s not my sweater, it’s my sunglasses!

Rachel: Your sunglasses?!

Monica: Yes!

Phoebe: Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.)

Caitlin: (from outside) Pizza!

Ross: (running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes. Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting.

Chandler: Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)

Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don’t flirting is the right thing to… (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)

Ross: You’ll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh, what’s-what’s her name?

All: Caitlin!

Grandma Tribbiani: Caitlin!

Ross: (He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can’t keep eating like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.)

Caitlin: It’s uh, $12.50.

Ross: Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens?

Caitlin: No actually umm, I think that they’re umm, gas.

Ross: Gas? Wow! Intense.

Chandler: (To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don’t have a problem.

Ross: (to Caitlin) Hey uh, y’know that smell gas has?

Caitlin: (wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible, horrible place) Yeah.

Ross: They put that in.

Caitlin: What?!

Ross: The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there’s a leak.

Caitlin: (getting more desperate to leave) Well okay!

Ross: A lot of other gas smells…

Chandler: Oh the humanity.

Ross: Meth-methane smells…

Caitlin: Y’know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go.

Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven’t paid you yet!

Caitlin: Y’know what? That’s okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.)

(Ross closes the door slowly.)

Ross: (To All) Was I talking to her about gas?

Chandler: More so than anything else.

Phoebe: I-I-I found it interesting.

Rachel: I’m sorry.

Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don’t worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)

Rachel: Okay, well, I’m gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.)

Phoebe: (walking over to Ross) Ross?

Ross: Yeah?

Phoebe: What else do they add smell too?

[Scene: The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I’m Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all the pizza?

Caitlin: Oh, is there a problem?

Rachel: No. No. Every thing’s–they’re fine. Great pizza. But it’s uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he’s flirting.

Caitlin: Oh my God! That was flirting?!

Rachel: Yeah.

Caitlin: Wow!

Rachel: I know, I know, but uh just, I’m telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he’s-he’s really a good person.

Caitlin: The guy with the gas?!

Rachel: Yeah. I’m-I’m telling you he’s really sweet and he’s really funny and he’s just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y’know, I think he really likes you.

Caitlin: Really?!

Rachel: Well y’know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think?

Caitlin: I just, I thought Joey was there.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey’s grandmother are still watching Law & Order.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.

Ross: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well, I don’t get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. (Hands him the slip of paper with the phone number on it.)

Ross: And she just gave you this?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: Rach, thanks but uh, I don’t need you doing me any favors.

Rachel: I-I-I didn’t! I didn’t! She thought you were cute.

Ross: Well that I can believe.

Rachel: Yay!

Joey: (entering) Hey! Is the show still on?

Chandler: Almost over man.

Joey: (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.)

Chandler: Why am I looking?

Joey: Oh, here I am, here’s my big scene!

(Joey has made a little home movie that’s his big scene. He braces himself against the door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater says…)

Joey: (on the tape) All right back off! I gotta gun! I’m not afraid to use it!

Grandma Tribbiani: Oh Joey!

Joey: That’s right!

Chandler: You couldn’t have at least changed your shirt.

Joey: (on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I don’t get it…(the duck quacks louder) Choo!! And if I don’t get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I’m gonna shoot this duck!

Phoebe: Oh no!

Joey: (on the tape) I’m comin’ out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) And she’s supposed to buy this?!

Grandma Tribbiani: Joey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.)

(Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey’s impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really, really close to the camera.)

Chandler: (singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown…engines…on!

(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)

Joey: (to his grandmother) That’s uh, scenes from next week’s show. Next week’s!

Phoebe: I am definitely gonna watch that!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.]

Monica: What about these? These look the same?

Phoebe: Definitely!

Monica: Not as each other!

Phoebe: Oh, then no.

(Goes over to Chandler.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Chandler: You ready?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: You look amazing. I’m the luckiest man in the world.

Monica: Ohh, you’re about to get a little luckier.

Chandler: Let me see the earrings.

Monica: Oh, honey, the earrings…

Chandler: (looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?

Monica: My boyfriend really does have good taste!

(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man.

Ross: Hm-mmm.

End

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Written by: Michael Curtis
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a deck of cards out to Chandler.]

Joey: Okay, pick a card.

Chandler: Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades)

Joey: All right now, memorize it. (Pause) You got it?

Chandler: Oh yes.

Joey: (holding up the Queen of Clubs) Is that your card? (He winks and smiles.)

Chandler: (pause) Yes.

(Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn’t work when Chandler hands him his card back.)

Carol: (entering with Ben and Ross) Hey guys!

Ross: Hi!

Chandler: Hi there!

Ben: Hi!!

Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV commercial!

Phoebe: What are you talking about?!

Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it’s not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute–y’know, which he is–so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he’s auditioning.

Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I’ve been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.

Ross: I know, it’s crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings…

Joey: I’m always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?!

Chandler: That.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyone is eating breakfast, Ross is heading for the bathroom.]

Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, gotta go! Wish me luck!

Joey: Luck!

Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you’re working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?

Rachel: Uh well, y’know what? I don’t think if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day…

Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work, interesting.

Monica: Besides, if anybody’s gonna get free stuff, it’s gonna be me.

Rachel: Okay guys, way to wish me luck!

All: Good luck! Go get ’em! (Rachel exits.)

Phoebe: Okay, let’s discuss Rachel’s birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn’t like for another month.

Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it’s not a surprise.

Monica: I think it’s a great idea. Yeah, we could have a dinner party and just invite her close friends.

Joey: Ross!! We’re having a surprise party for Rachel!!

Ross: (from the bathroom) Okay!!

Joey: Done.

Phoebe: Okay, great so do you want to do it together?

Monica: I would love to do it together!

(Joey starts to giggle.)

Joey: They’re gonna do it together.

Chandler: Dude! That’s my girlfriend!

Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now?

Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I’m picking up Ben then we’re off to the big audition.

Monica: It’s gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben’s dad.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There’s a dad in the commercial?

Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.

Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I’ll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben’s father than his godfather.

Ross: You’re not his godfather.

Joey: What?! Are you kidding?!

Ross: (Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Okay, let’s go godfather.

Joey: All right!

(As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he is still Ben’s godfather.)

[Scene: Ben’s audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a waiting room as Joey enters happily.]

Joey: Hey! I’m in, they’re gonna let me audition!

Ross: Really? That’s great!

Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her…

Carol: (noticing a kid who has picked up a copy of Variety to read) Hey, that kid looks familiar.

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He’s done tons of commercials. I’ve seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad….

Ross: Yeah well, he’s not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)

Joey: That’s great. Listen, wouldn’t it be great though if I got to play Ben’s dad?

Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.

Joey: I look more like him than you do! (He winks at Carol.)

Carol: Y’know, I don’t really know you well enough for you to do that.

[Scene: Rachel’s new job, she’s in her new boss’s office (Kim’s) and with the other assistant (Nancy). Together they’re deciding what clothes to buy or something, who knows, let’s all watch/read to find out.]

Kim: So it’s down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think?

Rachel: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric (On the other one.) Sorry.

Kim: Oh don’t be sorry, that’s part of your job here to give your opinions and then I take credit for them–I’m kidding.

Nancy: She is kidding, but don’t ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I’m kidding!

Rachel: (laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun office.

Kim: I don’t know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we’ll figure this out when we come back?

(They all get up to leave.)

Kim: (at the door) Rachel? Do you smoke?

Rachel: Oh no, my dad’s a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories…(stops and tries to change directions)…about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess’s right to smoke.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is telling Chandler and Monica about her day.]

Rachel: …and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me!

Monica: That doesn’t seem fair.

Rachel: I know! It’s like I’m being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit!

Chandler: Yeah, it is the best.

Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening? Y’know, they’ll-they’ll be outside smoking, making all the decisions and I’ll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, y’know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she’s gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?

Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you don’t have to smoke. Just say you wanna get some fresh air.

Rachel: Yeah, I can do that.

Chandler: Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee?

Rachel: I would love to!

Phoebe: Oh good!

Chandler: Yeah, I wanna go to babe.

Phoebe: Oh good.

(They all start out.)

Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! (She slams the door on them.) Okay, let’s talk about the party! I have so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail napkin.)

Monica: Yeah, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-ring binder of ideas.)

Phoebe: Oh, look at that.

Monica: All right, that’s a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm y’know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music, here’s an alphabetized list of all my CDs! I’ve highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food.

Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner party?

Monica: Oh, we’re not doing that. Okay…

Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.

Monica: What?! I didn’t take care of everything, there’s-there’s plenty of things for you to do!

Phoebe: Like what?

Monica: (Thinks) Cups.

Phoebe: Cups? You’re giving me cups?

Monica: And ice!

Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? (Thinks of something) All right. Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice!

Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant…

Phoebe: I got it! Mine!

Ross: (entering, downtrodden) Hi.

Monica: Hey! How’d the audition go?!

Ross: Not so good.

Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey’s (sadly) “Audition didn’t go so well. (Happily) Yeah it did?”

Ross: (Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition!

Joey: (also downtrodden) Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn’t get a callback.

Monica: You got a callback too didn’t you?

Joey: (Happily) Yeah I did!

[Scene: The smoker’s balcony, Rachel is out to join Kim and Nancy.]

Kim: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here?

Rachel: Oh well, it’s kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air.

Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection.

Rachel: Oh great!

Kim: So anyway we really… (Someone exhales and Rachel turns and coughs.) Honey, we’re just smoking all over you.

Nancy: Oh, sorry!

Rachel: Oh that’s okay.

Kim: No-no-no, we’ll move you just stay right there. (They walk away.)

Nancy: So anyway I sent the designs over to Ralph and he’s very excited about the line.

Kim: Oh that’s great! You are the best!

(Rachel gets fed up and heads over to another smoker.)

Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? (He holds up his pack.) Y’know what, actually… (She takes the one he’s smoking and heads over to where Nancy and Kim are standing and laughing.) Okay, okay, okay, what’s so funny over here?

Nancy: I thought you didn’t smoke.

Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y’know? Y’know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, “Wow, those guys are crazy!” But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.

Kim: We get high.

Rachel: Oh, me too.

Kim: I’m kidding.

Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, me too.

[Scene: Ben and Joey’s (Isn’t that an ice cream??) callback.]

Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve wracking! How-how do you do this?

Joey: Well, unfortunately, I don’t get many callbacks so…

Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?

Joey: Who knows?

The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.

Ross: Yes!! I knew it!! (To the people who didn’t make it.) Bye-bye! So long! Later!

Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben’s dad!

Ross: Yeah!

The Casting Director: Actually, that can’t happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we’re putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it’ll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)

Joey: Man, this is gonna be kinda weird.

Ross: Yeah, it is.

Kyle: Yeah. It’s gonna be weird.

Ross: No, we-we’re gonna be like best friends, that’s why it’s gonna be weird.

Kyle: Oh, oh, I thought we were just talking.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Ross and Chandler are talking.]

Phoebe: (entering, carrying two garbage bags) Hey!

Ross and Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Is it okay if I leave this stuff here ’til Rachel’s birthday party?

Chandler: Ah sure. What’s in ’em?

Phoebe: Umm, cups.

Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.

Ross: Seriously that’s a lot of cups.

Phoebe: Yeah well, that’s ’cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.

Chandler: Y’know I rued the day once…didn’t get a whole lot else done.

Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. (She goes and opens the door to Joey.) Oh, hi Joey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs! (To the guys) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Ross good, I’m uh glad you’re here. I wanna talk to you about something.

Ross: What’s up?

Joey: Well, I’ve been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y’know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can’t lead to anything good. So, I think I’m just gonna step aside. I’m gonna tell them that I won’t audition.

Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that’s-that’s great. Thanks man.

Joey: That’s it? You’re-you’re gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career we’re talking about here!

Ross: Well, you just…

Joey: I just said that so you wouldn’t let Ben do it! Look Ross, if anyone should step aside it should be Ben!

Ross: What?!

Joey: What? Chandler! Tell ’em!

Chandler: (shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.)

Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You’re like the uh, tag-a-long dad.

Joey: At least I care about his feelings!

Ross: What?!

Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn’t get it?

Ross: And why wouldn’t he get it?

Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do?! Huh?! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!

Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?

Joey: You just give him a spoon baby!

Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we’ll just see!

Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch!

Ross: You’re kid’s name is Raymond!

Joey: Yeah?! So’s yours!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there as Rachel enters.]

Monica: (To Rachel) How did work go?

Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said, y’know? And we talked business. Kim totally took my opinions.

Monica: You stink!

Rachel: Thanks!

Monica: No, I’m-I’m serious!

Rachel: Well-well that’s ’cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success.

Chandler: Okay, there’s something different though–Oh my God! You smoked!

Rachel: I did not!

Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!

Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career!

Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career…

Monica: That’s so gross!

Rachel: No well, no it’s not that bad, y’know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up.

Chandler: Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!

Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up. I’m not kidding. (She’s not; she stands and walks away. Chandler moves closer.)

Chandler: I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.)

[Scene: The smoker’s balcony, Rachel, Kim, and Nancy are all puffing away on their cancer sticks.]

Kim: So, we’re decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?

Nancy: Absolutely!

Rachel: I am so on board! (She throws away her recently lit cigarette.)

Kim: Rachel didn’t you just light that?

Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y’know what? I am really, really trying to cut back, y’know? (Laughs) Good luck, Rach.

Nancy: I’ve actually been thinking about quitting lately.

Kim: Oh sure, every Sunday night I’m telling myself I’m quitting but every Monday morning it’s like (Mimics chain smoking.)

Nancy: Tell me about it!

Rachel: Well then let’s just quit! We’ll just quit! Let’s all quit!

Kim: It does sound appealing.

Nancy: Oh, I never could do it.

Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! We can get–what are those–those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters!

Kim: Oh y’know, we really should quit. Okay, let’s quit!

Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Give it! Give it! (She grabs their cigarettes and lighters and throws them in the trash.)

Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter. (Rachel laughs.) I’m not kidding.

Rachel: Okay then! (She starts rummaging through the trash to find Kim’s lighter.)

[Scene: Joey and Ben’s audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is rehearsing his line.]

Joey: Hmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup! (Tries again, with a little caveman thrown in.) Hmm, soup!

Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies’ room?

Joey: Oh yeah, no problem.

Carol: Thanks. (Exits.)

Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it’s no picnic. There’s tons of rejection. No stability. One day you’re Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you’re eating ketchup right out of the bottle.

Ross: (entering, angrily) Joey!

Joey: (angrily) Ross!

Ross: (angrily) Ben! (Pause.) (Happily.) I mean, Ben! Ben!

The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you’re up.

(Raymond and Joey go in the office.)

Joey: Hi!

The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let’s try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)

Joey: Uh-oh.

The Casting Director: Is there a problem?

Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I’ve been working with tomato. But that’s okay, no problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup.

The Casting Director: Y’know, that’s-that’s fine, but the line is, “Hmm, soup.”

Joey: Oh, what did I say?

The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.

Joey: How’s that different? (She looks at him until he gets it.) Oh! Yeah!

The Casting Director: All right, let’s try one.

(Raymond and Joey both eat a spoonful and Joey turns to Raymond and says…)

Joey: Hmm, noodle soup.

The Casting Director: Okay. Let’s do it again.

Joey: Okay.

(They do it again.)

Joey: Hmm, soup. (Pause.) I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup!

Raymond: COME ON!!!!

The Casting Director: Y’know what? We need to move on.

Joey: No! No! I-I can do it one more time! See? Look! (Eats another spoonful) Hmm, noodle soup. Damnit! (Storms out.)

[Scene: The smoker’s balcony, Kim and Nancy are cheating and are caught by Rachel.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey-hey!!

Kim: Uh-oh, busted!

Rachel: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters!

Kim: Yeah. That didn’t work out.

Nancy: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard!

Rachel: Well y’know if you, if you started smoking again you could’ve at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about?

Kim: No. No! You’re doing great! Don’t you give up! That’s why we didn’t tell you and we’re not gonna drag you down with us.

Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down.

Kim: Forget it Rachel! We’re both so proud of how well you’re doing. I’m not gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you’re fired. So go on, get out of here! Go on, I don’t want you breathing this stuff! Go on!

Rachel: Okay. (Starts to walk away.)

Kim: (to Nancy) So, okay! So you’ll come with me on the Paris trip.

Rachel: (hearing that) Oh man!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel’s surprise party. The apartment is festooned with cups. There are cups everywhere! Cup centerpiece, cup garland, etc., etc]

Phoebe: (To Chandler) Check it out! Cup hat! (Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds up one.)

Chandler: Great job with the cups, Pheebs!

Monica: (overhearing that) Why don’t you just go out with her!

(Chandler starts to follow her into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: (following him) And did you notice the ice? (Gestures to 3 huge buckets of ice on the table.) Look! We have it all! We have crushed! Cubed! And dry! Watch! (Pours some water onto the dry ice, causing it to evaporate/smoke.) Ahhh! Mystical!

Chandler: Awesome!

Monica: Chandler! Everyone–no one’s eating my Tuscan finger food ’cause they’re all filling up on Phoebe’s snow cones!

Chandler: There are snow cones! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!

Monica: Y’know…go! Go! Right there! (Points)

Chandler: Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.)

(Rachel enters.)

Phoebe: (noticing her) Oh, look! Look! Look!

All: Surprise!!

Rachel: What?! What?! My birthday’s not for another month!

Monica: That’s the surprise!

Rachel: Oh my God! You guys this is so great! I mean it’s so unexpected! I mean Chandler’s birthday is even before mine!

(Everyone stops and looks at Chandler, who’s nodding.)

All: Surprise!

Rachel: Wow! This is great! Look at all these cups! This is so weird.

Phoebe: I was in charge of cups.

Rachel: Oh, okay, not so weird.

[Cut to another part of the room, Ross is going to talk to Joey.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Listen man, uh, I’m sorry the audition didn’t go so well.

Joey: Yeah right! (Gets up for a refill to his snow cone.)

Ross: No really, I-I am! I feel bad!

Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don’t have to. Okay? It’s not your fault I suck. I mean what kind of an actor can’t even say, “Hmm, noodle soup.” (Nods his head in disgust.)

Ross: Yeah y’know what? Maybe-maybe you didn’t mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson.

Joey: What you do mean?

Ross: I think, sub-consciously…

Joey: Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me.

Ross: (pause) I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part.

Joey: Well, you’re way sounds a lot better than mine. (Thinks about it.) Yeah. Yeah! It’s not that I’m a bad actor…

Ross: No!

Joey: No, it’s just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed.

Ross: There you go. Thank you!

Joey: Thank you! So, did-did he get it?

Ross: No.

Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do?

Ending Credits

[Scene: The smoker’s balcony, Kim and Nancy are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out the door.]

Chandler: (to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch.

Kim: Oh, she doesn’t come down here any more. You can find her up on ten.

Chandler: Okay, great.

(Kim exhales and Chandler stares at it longingly.)

Kim: (to Nancy) So we talked about the (Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he wondered if one person would be enough (Closer) to get a take on the trip (Still closer) and I said, “Yeah, absolutely!” (She’s interrupted by Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a drag from her cancer stick.)

Chandler: I’ll catch you guys later. (Exits.)

End

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