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Archive for the ‘Season 6’ Category


Part I Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri
Part II Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Parts I and II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe his engagement ring again.]

Ross: God that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever!

Rachel: Yeah? Well, you should know. You’ve bought like a billion of ‘em.

Ross: Yeah, you didn’t get one.

Chandler: Okay, well tonight’s the big night.

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?

Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I’m going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I’m just gonna propose.

Rachel: Ohh…

Joey: That sounds perfect!

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: You’re gonna mess it up let me do it.

Chandler: I’m not gonna mess it up.

Phoebe: If she says no, can I have the ring?

Chandler: She’s not gonna say no.

Phoebe: If!

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

(Monica’s entrance makes Phoebe try to hide the ring by putting it in her mouth.)

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: (with her mouthful) Hi Monica.

(Monica goes into her room.)

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Give me it!

Phoebe: It’s gone.

Chandler: Phoebe!

(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: (with his mouthful) Hi Monica.

(She goes into the bathroom.)

Phoebe: (To Chandler) We’re practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and winks at him.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?

Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler can’t go. We’re going to dinner remember?!

Rachel: Oh my God, I’m so sorry.

Monica: What’s the big deal?

Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesn’t remember where we’re going.

Joey: Where are you going?

(Chandler stares at him.)

Rachel: How about you guys? (Points to Phoebe and Joey.)

Phoebe: Open bar?

Rachel: I think so.

Phoebe: I can do that for the kids.

Joey: Hey, y’know what? I’ll come too. I’m making money now; it’s about time I give something back.

Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.

Joey: Okay. Have a benefit.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight?

Ross: Oh no, I have plans with Elizabeth.

Chandler: Oh, so you’re already doing your part for the kids.

Ross: I’m sorry, it’s just one of my last nights together before she leaves for camp—to be a counselor!

Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?

Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn’t agree to that!

Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term thing?

Ross: I don’t know.

Phoebe: Y’know, you are 12 years older than her.

Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?

All: Yeah! Yeah, sort of. I’m sorry.

Ross: Uh-uh—Wow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesn’t really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I’m the one dating Elizabeth, not you!

Joey: That’s not what she said last night. (Ross glares at him.)

Rachel: See? Now, he could date her.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is practicing proposing.]

Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) What’s going on little elves?

Joey: It’s the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck!

Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring?

Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh! Oop! (Hands him back the ring.)

Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she’s gonna know.

Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!

(Monica enters from the bedroom.)

Monica: Hi guys.

Chandler: (To Monica) You are beautiful.

Monica: Oh, thank you! (The gang exhibits signs of quiet apprehension and wears knowing glances.) (Monica giggles.) What’s going on?

Rachel: (breaking up) We’re just really…very excited about this charity event that we have to go to.

[Scene: The Charity Event, they’re holding a silent auction, Rachel is looking at one of the items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass of wine.]

Phoebe: Here.

Rachel: Oh! Thank you!

Phoebe: So now what’s going on here?

Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.

Phoebe: No, I know what a silent is I meant, what’s going on with your hair?

Rachel: (suddenly worried) Uh, wh-why?

Phoebe: No! It’s nice!

(Rachel’s boss, Mr. Thompson walks up.)

Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you Rachel.

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Mr. Thompson: So glad you brought someone.

Rachel: Someone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. (She introduces them.) He’s the head of my department.

Phoebe: Oh, hi. (They shake hands.)

Rachel: And I also brought my friend Joey…

Joey: (behind them) Oh!! Shrimp toast! (Walks right past the little group on his way for the shrimp toast.)

Rachel: Well, y’know I-I don’t know where he is.

Mr. Thompson: Well, I hope you’re gonna bid on some things Rachel.

Rachel: Well, y’know what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris.

Mr. Thompson: Ohh, nice choice.

Rachel: Yeah.

Mr. Thompson: Good luck.

Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after he’s left.) Okay, (writing her bid down) twenty dollars.

[Scene: Elizabeth’s Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.]

{Transcriber’s Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So I’m just gonna guess since it doesn’t matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got it right or not?)}

Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!! (Runs over and closes the door.)

Ross: What’s-what’s going on?

Elizabeth: The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us.

Ross: Oh, you have to call the police! That’s what I did to the kids in my building!

Elizabeth: No, it’s a water balloon fight! We started it!

Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it’s supposed to be excellent. The director is the same…

Elizabeth: (ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?

Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.)

Elizabeth: (To Ross) You want some?! (Starts to squirt the Kamikaze at him.)

Ross: No! Okay! Okay! (Stops her.) Okay, look, can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second?

Elizabeth: Yeah, sure.

Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? It’s-it’s gotten great reviews! Y’know the uh…

(Suddenly the door opens and two guys come rushing in wielding water balloons.)

First Dorm Guy: Attack!

(They start lobbing the balloons in. Ross desperately tries to get out of the line of fire but is struck in the back. The girls all retreat to relative safety behind the couch.)

Second Dorm Guy: Put your balloons down!

The Girls: You put your balloons down!!

First Dorm Guy: You put your balloons down!!

(Both opposing camps start screaming at each other to drop their weapons and surrender. Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.)

Ross: (screaming) Everybody put their balloons down!!! (There is a temporary cease fire.) Now this is a nice suit!! (Shows everyone where he was hit.)

[Scene: The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is announcing the winners of the silent auction.]

Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. (Pause.) It goes to Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300.

Rachel: Ugh! So close!

(Phoebe returns a with a tray full of different kinds of drinks.)

Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: I got me some drinks!

Rachel: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Open bar!

Rachel: Well now it’s an empty bar.

Phoebe: You just can’t stand anyone else enjoying themselves can’t you?

Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentleman’s day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.)

Joey: I won! That was my guess!

Rachel: What?! What?! What?!

Joey: I guessed 20,000!

Rachel: Joey! It is an auction! You don’t guess, you buy!

Joey: What?! I don’t have 20,000!

Mr. Thompson: Congratulations on your new boat, Joey Tribbiani!!

(Everyone applauds and he stands up slowly.)

Rachel: Joey! Sit down! (Pulls him down.)

Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.]

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what he’s looking for and sighs in relief.]

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It’s a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)

Monica: Are you okay?

Chandler: Yes! Yes! I’m good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything—are you—are you perrr-perfect?!

Monica: Yeah. I’m okay. I’m actually—I’m a little cold, can I have your jacket?

Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you can’t have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should’ve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?

Monica: (laughs) Are you sure you’re okay?

Chandler: Yes! I’m fine. In fact I’ve been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.

Monica: Ohh that’s sweet!

Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn’t imagine growing old with…

(As he’s talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Let’s see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)

Monica: (interrupting him) Oh my God!

Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.

Monica: Oh my God, Richard. (Yep, Richard’s back.)

Chandler: What?! I’m Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, that’s Richard!

Monica: Oh God, maybe he won’t see us. Richard!

(Monica smiles then acts shocked. Chandler can’t believe she just did that.)

Richard: (approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler!

Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I don’t know why I did that!

Monica: Hey, it’s good to see you!

Richard: You too, you let uh, your hair grow long.

Monica: Yeah—Oh that’s right. You, you always wanted me too. Hey, I see you got your mustache back.

Richard: Well, my nose got lonely.

Chandler: (to Richard’s date) And uh, you don’t have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) I’m Chandler; I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.

Richard’s Date: Hi, I’m Lisa.

Chandler: Hi.

Richard: Oh, I’m sorry. (Introduces them.) Lisa, (nodding at each) Monica, Chandler. We used to date.

Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again.

Monica: Chandler, wh-why don’t we sit down?

Chandler: Yeah, I’ll sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)

Monica: (to Richard) It’s good to see you

Matire’d: (to Richard) You’re table’s ready sir.

Richard: Oh. Good to see you guys.

Chandler: Yes. (Thinking he’s gone.)

Matire’d: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandler’s) Or if you prefer, this table is available.

Richard: That might be fun. (Richard and Lisa sit down.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting at their table.]

Rachel: What were you thinking?!

Joey: I didn’t know it was an auction!

Rachel: Wh?!

Joey: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat!

Rachel: Why would a charity give away a free boat?!

Joey: I don’t know! Charity?

Rachel: Ugh!

Phoebe: Well, just buy the damn boat! (She’s still working her way through her tray of booze.)

Rachel: Phoebe, don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink?

Phoebe: I’m just helping the kids!

Rachel: How is you drinking helping the kids?

Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.

Mr. Thompson: (approaching) Mr. Tribbiani.

Joey: Oh hi!

Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center.

Joey: Just out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth?

Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000

Joey: (To Rachel) Hey, I was pretty close. (She just glares at him.) Uhh, so bad news. Umm, I can’t buy the boat, I don’t have any money.

(Mr. Thompson looks shocked and at Rachel, she suddenly starts laughing.)

Rachel: Joey! Joey, good one! (Mr. Thompson starts to laugh.)

Mr. Thompson: That’s good. Very good! (Walks away.)

(After he’s left, Rachel stops laughing and glares at Joey again.)

Joey: So uh listen, I think I’m gonna take off now. (Starts to get up.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Hey! You…can’t…leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!

Joey: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don’t have that kind of money!

Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what we’re gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you’re just gonna pay the difference.

Joey: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Joey: Look, I don’t know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Y’know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!

Rachel: Not great.

[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandler’s and Richard and Lisa’s tables have been pushed together and they’re all eating and talking.]

Monica: And so, we’re hiding in the bathroom.

Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in.

Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know they’re going at it right on the bathroom floor.

Lisa: (laughing) Oh my God!

{Transcriber’s Note: For further reading on the above story, please check out The One Where Joey Moves Out.}

Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.

(An awkward silence ensues.)

Richard: It’s so great seeing you guys again. I’d like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, “In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds it’s morning and is refreshed.”

Monica: Ohh.

Chandler: What?!

(They all drink.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.]

Ross: Oh my God, you guys!! (He’s excited about what he thought happened.)

Chandler: (stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!

Ross: Who?

Chandler: Richard!

Ross: What? (Excited) A-ohh! (Realizes) Ohh. Oh that’s right that’s right. That’s Richard’s favorite place too.

Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good!

Monica: I thought you were going out with Elizabeth.

Ross: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.

Monica: Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can’t get out of!

Ross: Y’know, maybe she is too young for me. Y’know, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don’t know what to do.

Monica: Why don’t you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean that’s what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.

Ross: Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, I’m-I’m 12 years older than she is.

Monica: If the school finds out you’re fired.

Ross: Hmm.

Monica: She’s leaving for three months.

Chandler: For camp!

Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well she’s-she’s sweet and pretty and…

Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, “Do you see a future?” I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn’t you?!

Ross: No! No! I…didn’t do that. It’s just… Okay, honestly no. I don’t, I don’t see a big future with her.

Monica: Okay well I think…that’s your answer.

Ross: I’ve got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.

Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you’re not careful you may not get married at all this year!

[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table as Joey approaches.]

Joey: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one.

Rachel: Oh great!

Joey: (To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four.

Phoebe: Oh, okay.

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip?

Phoebe: It’s a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy she’s wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?

Emil Alexander: That was me.

Phoebe: Oh, en chante. (She holds out her hand for him to kiss it, but he only shakes it.)

{Transcriber’s Note: Please correct my French here.}

[Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.]

Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?

Mr. Bowmont: That’s me.

Joey: Ahh, yes. (Pushes Rachel in front of himself so that she could do the talking.)

Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.

Joey: You-you have to pay that! It’s not just a guess.

Rachel: (To Joey) Okay. Okay. (Shushes him.)

Mr. Bowmont: I was actually relieved uh I didn’t win the boat. My wife would’ve killed me.

Rachel: Ohh…

Joey: Are you kidding me?! She’s gonna this boat!

Rachel: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wife’s name?

Mr. Bowmont: It’s Pam.

Rachel: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this, “The Pam.”

Joey: Aw-awww!

Mr. Bowmont: I don’t think she’d like that.

Rachel: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, “The Mr. Bowmont.”

Joey: Oooooh…

Mr. Bowmont: I don’t think so dear.

Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin’ sail up the Hudson! You’ve got the wind in your h—(sees that he’s bald)—arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you’ve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin’! You can—ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you’re old, Cappy.

Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, it’s for a good cause! All right!

Joey: No way! It’s mine!!

Rachel: (To Joey) What?! What?!

Joey: All that stuff you just said? I want that!

Rachel: But Joey you don’t have $20,000!

Joey: Who cares?! I-I’ll make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]

Joey: Oh my God, you’re back!

Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is frantically trying to wave them off.)

Monica: Why do you want to see my hand?

Phoebe: I wanna see what’s in your hand. I wanna see the trash.

Joey: Yeah.

(Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.)

Phoebe: Eww! Oh, it’s all dirty. You should throw this out.

Monica: (suspiciously) Okay. (Exits to carry out Phoebe’s wishes.)

Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!

Phoebe: What happened?

Chandler: Richard was there so I couldn’t do it!

Joey: What?! Noooo… (Phoebe gasps.)

Chandler: I’m gonna do it tomorrow y’know, and-and surprise her, but now you’ve ruined it!

Joey: We didn’t ruin it!

Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a person’s hands?!

Phoebe: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor…

Joey: Glove salesman!

Phoebe: Good one! Yeah.

Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do?

Phoebe: Look, she only suspects something okay? She doesn’t know for sure, so just throw her off the track.

Chandler: That’s right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.

Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that you’re scared of commitment! Convince her that you’re a little coward!

Chandler: I can do that, I’ve had 30 years of practice.

Joey: Hey, being you is finally gonna pay off! (They give each other fives.)

Monica: (entering) I had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes!

Joey: That guy’s still doing that?!

Rachel: (entering) Hey! (Sees Monica, gasps, and runs over to her.) Oh my God you’re here, let me see your hand!!

Phoebe: No, you’re too late!!! She already took out the trash!!!

[Scene: Outside of Elizabeth’s dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts.]

Ross: (in his head) Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didn’t seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake?

Elizabeth: (sticking her head out her window) Ross! Wait!

Ross: Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about…

Elizabeth: You suck!!

Ross: What?!

(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.)

Ross: Okay, break-up’s still on!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]

Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn’t want to get married?

Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before.

Monica: (entering) Hi guys!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: What are you up too?

Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin’ about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.

Joey: (laughs) Yeah, Big Brother.

Monica: Well that’s a little crazy. Although I am y’know glad to hear that you’re branching out on what you look at on the Internet.

Chandler: Yeah, well… Y’know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?

Monica: Why?! To celebrate your relationship! To solidify your commitment! To declare your love for one another to the world!

Chandler: Eh…

Monica: Okay well that’s good to know.

(We hear the backup horn of a truck and see through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has arrived.)

Joey: (all excited) The Mr. Bowmont’s here!!! (Jumps over the back off the couch and runs out into the street.)

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant’s kitchen, she’s cooking as a waitress sticks her head in.]

Waitress: Hey Monica, there’s a customer who wants to complement the chef, should I let him in?

Monica: Sure, I love this part! (Starts to look busy.)

Waitress: (to the customer) Come on in.

(The customer turns out to be…)

Richard: Hi!

Monica: Richard!

Richard: Actually, I’m not here to complement the chef.

Monica: Ohh… Oh, that’s okay I hate when people come back to complement the chef. Like I have nothing better to do! So what’s up?

Richard: Well, it was great seeing you the other night.

Monica: Oh, good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that?

Richard: No! I came here to tell you something else. (Pause) I came here (Pause) to tell you I still love you.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant, continued from earlier.]

Monica: What uh—What did you—What?!

Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldn’t even be here telling you this, I mean you’re with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say he’s straight I’ll believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didn’t tell ya I’d regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.

Monica: Y’know you’re really not supposed to be back here!

Richard: Well yeah, I’m sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.

Monica: Oh God… (Starts looking around.) Why don’t they put chairs back here?!

Richard: I know this is crazy but am I too late?

Monica: What the… Yes you’re too late! Where was all this three years ago?!

Richard: Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! Y’know after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head!

Monica: What were you doing in Africa?

Richard: Working with blind kids.

Monica: Ohhh! What are you doing to me?! Oh look, I-I… I’m sorry but umm, this-this-this-this is not going to happen.

Richard: Okay that’s fine, I’ll walk away. And I’ll never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandler’s willing to give you everything I am.

Monica: Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in fact, I’m the one that’s making him wait!

Richard: You are?

Monica: Yeah!

Richard: Why?

Monica: Why? Because of the government.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is bringing Phoebe some coffee.]

Rachel: Isn’t it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin’ married.

Phoebe: I know, they’re gonna be so happy together.

Rachel: Ohh… I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen?

Phoebe: Not that often!

Rachel: No! I’m so happy for them!

Phoebe: Me too! So happy for them!

Rachel: I’m so happy and not at all jealous.

Phoebe: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous!

(They both take a drink of coffee.)

Rachel: I mean I’m probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what’s 2%? That’s nothing.

Phoebe: Totally. I’m like 90/10.

Rachel: Yeah me too.

(Joey enters looking like Captain Stubing from the Love Boat.)

Joey: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler?

Rachel: (staring at him) Wh—no, but y’know who did stop in here looking for ya, Tennille.

[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]

Monica: So that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don’t really believe that do you?

Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let’s take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs don’t mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that’s just an ordinary pig not even a pig that’s good at sports!

Monica: Yeah, but that’s pigs not people!

Chandler: If marriage worked, I’d be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.

Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never want to get married?

Chandler: Well, never say never but y’know probably uh yeah, never.

Monica: Oh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?!

Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don’t you put down your copy of ‘The Rules’ huh mantrap?!

Monica: Y’know what?! I gotta go! Ugh!

(She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)

Chandler: (to them) It’s okay, I got a plan.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still talking.]

Rachel: We’re gonna find love!

Phoebe: Definitely!

Rachel: Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that. That’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well y’know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they’re 40, they marry each other.

Phoebe: You mean a backup?

Rachel: Exactly!

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah I got that.

Rachel: You do?

Phoebe: Hm-mmm.

Rachel: Who?

Phoebe: Joey.

Rachel: Joey?!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: Are you serious?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him years ago!

Rachel: Wh… So… If neither of you are married by the time you’re 40, you’re gonna marry Joey.

Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.

Rachel: Oh, seriously?

Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were… (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)

Rachel: Charming.

Phoebe: Well hey, it’s just a backup.

Rachel: Yeah.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters.]

Joey: Hey Monica!

Monica: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?

Joey: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh?

Monica: Yeah, it’s great.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, what’s the matter?! Talk to the captain!

Monica: I’m just having one of those days where you realize you’re in a dead-end relationship!

Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?

Monica: It’s not like I want to get married tomorrow! It’s just that I-I’d like to believe that I’m in a relationship that’s actually going somewhere, that I’m not just wasting my time!

Joey: Well, you know Chandler.

Monica: No I don’t know Chandler! Not anymore! It’s like it’s like something’s changed.

Joey: Maybe you changed?

Monica: I didn’t change!

Joey: Maybe that’s the problem.

Monica: What?!

Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.

Monica: Is that some kind of boat talk?

Joey: I don’t know! (All excited) I haven’t totally decided how to talk on my boat yet.

Monica: What does he think? Does he think I’m just gonna wait around for nothing?

Joey: Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be!

Monica: (starts for the door) Well there’s some people who do want to marry me.

Joey: There are?

Monica: Yeah! Richard!

Joey: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! (Monica nods yes.) And-and Chandler’s tellin’ ya how much he hates marriage?!

Monica: That’s right.

Joey: Chandler loves marriage!!

Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that he’s a-a complex fellow who’s unlikely to take a wife! That-that he’s against marriage and always will be!

Joey: You got that from what I said?!

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Ross is watching a show about the extinction of the dinosaurs.]

Narrator: When the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone.

Ross: What happened you guys?

(There’s a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off, and answers it.)

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: Hey you!

Ross: Hey, come on in.

Rachel: Oh thank you. Hey y’know, I’m so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.

Ross: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we’d be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Rachel: Yeah, love. It’s a tricky business isn’t it?

Ross: I guess so.

Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we’re 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we’ve-we’ve already slept together so y’know there’ll be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, “What’s that?!”

Ross: Right. Ohh! You-you want me to be your backup.

Rachel: Exactly.

Ross: Ohh, yeah I already have one.

Rachel: What? Who?

Ross: Phoebe.

Rachel: Phoebe?! Wait a—but-but she just, she said that Joey was her backup.

Ross: Ohh, I don’t think so.

Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!

Ross: That’s impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is entering to find Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, on the phone.]

Joey: Where the hell have you been?!

Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor.

Joey: Richard told Monica he wants to marry her!

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Yeah! Yeah, I’ve been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes wouldn’t keep flying off!

Chandler: My—Oh my God!

Joey: I know! They suck!!

Chandler: He’s not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I’m supposed to do that!

Joey: I know!

Chandler: Well what… Y’know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go over there; I’m gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!

Joey: Look, Chandler I don’t think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!

Chandler: You’re right.

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) I’m gonna get the ring! I’m gonna get the ring! (Does so) I’m gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) I’m just going to propose!

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: Okay great.

Joey: Dude-dude-dude!

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Let me know about that coconut phone, it might great for the boat.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, he’s smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal…]

Monica: Hi.

Richard: Hi.

Monica: I don’t know why I’m here.

Richard: I didn’t ask. You wanna come in?

Monica: I don’t know.

Richard: Oh, okay. Well, I’ll just leave the door open and go sit on the couch. (Does so.)

Monica: (entering) Chandler is such an idiot!

Richard: (standing up quickly) Drink?

Monica: Yeah, I’ll have a scotch…

Richard: …on the rocks with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.)

Monica: (moving over to the couch) Still smoking cigars?

Richard: Uh, no! No! That’s…art! If it bothers you I can put my art out.

Monica: No that’s, that’s okay.

Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question. Y’know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?

Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.

Richard: Oh really?

Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don’t like my new eye doctor.

Richard: Who is it?

Monica: Edward Nevski?

Richard: Yeah he’s no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye doctor way?

Monica: No.

Richard: Ahh.

Monica: But getting over was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.

(Richard mouths, “Wow!”)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups!

Phoebe: Of course I can! It’s just good sense to backup your backup! Look, I’ve already lost Chandler!

Rachel: What?!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Phoebe! We’re both (points at Ross and himself) your backup?!

Ross: Phoebe, how could you do this to me?!

Phoebe: I don’t—Look I don’t know what you’re complaining about now? You were both aware of the situation!

(At the same time.)

Joey: No we weren’t!

Ross: I was not!

Phoebe: Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we’re married!

Rachel: Phoebe you can’t have both of them! You have to pick one!

Joey: Pick me!!

Ross: No! Pick me! I don’t want to end up an old maid!

Phoebe: All right well let’s see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat—This is hard!

Joey: This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to Rachel!

Ross: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!

(Rachel gets all happy.)

Phoebe: No wait! Just—Okay—Just wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Don’t make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week.

Rachel: Oh God, Phoebe!

Phoebe: (To Rachel) I’m talking about massages.

Rachel: Oh.

(She turns her head away and when she’s not looking, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths, “No, I’m not.” Both Joey and Ross smile, look at each other, and then stop smiling.)

Rachel: Okay, y’know what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what we’re gonna do! I’m gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so) and I’m gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?

Joey: Okay that’s fair.

Ross: All right.

Phoebe: Good!

(Rachel mixes them up in her hands, moves them all around, and puts her hands behind her back.)

Rachel: Pick one.

Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.

Rachel: You’re welcome.

Phoebe: (reading) Ross!

Rachel: (reading) Joey! (Pause) We should just switch.

Phoebe: Yeah absolutely! (They both switch.)

Joey: Yeah.

[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, Monica is looking around and notices an African mask hanging on the wall.]

Monica: (to the mask) I missed you-you ugly, flat faced old freak!

Richard: Excuse me?

Monica: Oh! (Laughs and points at the mask.) Him.

Richard: Oh. (Laughs.) Whew!

Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-up’s apartment! Y’know, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!

Richard: Yeah! You’re saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache.

Monica: Y’know, let’s face it, I’m not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don’t want that!

Richard: I think that’s fair.

Monica: Fair? Please don’t even talk to me about fair! Fair would’ve been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would’ve been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

Richard: It’s okay! Shh! Hey. Hey. (Hugs her) Shhhh.

Monica: Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I don’t kn—Umm. I don’t know. Umm…

Richard: I know. (Backs away.)

Monica: Y’know, I-I… I have to figure…some st—Y’know, some stuff before I can…

Richard: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. (Pause) Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. I’ll be here. Not smoking. (Monica leaves.)

[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.]

Richard: Chandler.

Chandler: Where is she? I’m not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)

Richard: She’s not here and please come in.

Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!

Richard: Okay, she was here, but she left.

Chandler: Well where did she go?

Richard: Well she said she had to think things over.

Chandler: Oh my God, I can’t believe this! Y’know, I thought…I thought you were a good guy.

Richard: Oh, hey look nothing happened.

Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn’t tell my girlfriend that you love her?

Richard: Well all right, one thing happened?

Chandler: Y’know what? I can’t believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!

Richard: Well I’m sorry.

Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her!

Richard: Well, apparently I’m willing to offer her things that you are not.

Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, y’know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she’d be surprised!

Richard: Well if it helps, it worked very well.

Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn’t fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.

Richard: You were gonna propose? (Sits on the arm of the couch.)

Chandler: Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?

Richard: No I don’t have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don’t let her go. Trust me.

Chandler: Y’know Richard…you are a good guy.

Richard: I know. (Pause) I hate that!

(Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the door closes behind him he opens it, runs back in, picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him, and runs back out.)

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]

Joey: Dude!

Chandler: I can’t talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!

Joey: She’s gone.

Chandler: What?

Joey: She’s gone. She had a bag and she left.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Joey: She was all crying. She-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think.

Chandler: Well why didn’t you stop her?! Why didn’t you just tell her it was a plan?!

Joey: I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn’t believe me.

Chandler: Well where… Where did she go?

Joey: To her parent’s I think and she said you shouldn’t call her. But if I were you I would.

Chandler: I can’t believe I ruined this.

Joey: I am so sorry man.

(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.

(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)

Chandler: Oh my God.

(Monica gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!

Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought… (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?

Monica: Yes.

(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)

Monica: I knew you were likely to take a wife!

(They hug again.)

Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here!

Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We’re engaged!!!

(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)

Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous I’ve ever been!

Phoebe: Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isn’t here!

Monica: Oh…

Rachel: Oh hell, he’s done this three times! He knows what its about!

Joey: Yeah!

(They all hug again.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, it’s just Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton. And you can buy that album from the CFSI, just click on the CDNow link.]

End

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Part I Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri
Part II Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Parts I and II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe his engagement ring again.]

Ross: God that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever!

Rachel: Yeah? Well, you should know. You’ve bought like a billion of ‘em.

Ross: Yeah, you didn’t get one.

Chandler: Okay, well tonight’s the big night.

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?

Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I’m going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I’m just gonna propose.

Rachel: Ohh…

Joey: That sounds perfect!

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: You’re gonna mess it up let me do it.

Chandler: I’m not gonna mess it up.

Phoebe: If she says no, can I have the ring?

Chandler: She’s not gonna say no.

Phoebe: If!

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

(Monica’s entrance makes Phoebe try to hide the ring by putting it in her mouth.)

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: (with her mouthful) Hi Monica.

(Monica goes into her room.)

Chandler: (To Phoebe) Give me it!

Phoebe: It’s gone.

Chandler: Phoebe!

(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: (with his mouthful) Hi Monica.

(She goes into the bathroom.)

Phoebe: (To Chandler) We’re practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and winks at him.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?

Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler can’t go. We’re going to dinner remember?!

Rachel: Oh my God, I’m so sorry.

Monica: What’s the big deal?

Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesn’t remember where we’re going.

Joey: Where are you going?

(Chandler stares at him.)

Rachel: How about you guys? (Points to Phoebe and Joey.)

Phoebe: Open bar?

Rachel: I think so.

Phoebe: I can do that for the kids.

Joey: Hey, y’know what? I’ll come too. I’m making money now; it’s about time I give something back.

Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.

Joey: Okay. Have a benefit.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight?

Ross: Oh no, I have plans with Elizabeth.

Chandler: Oh, so you’re already doing your part for the kids.

Ross: I’m sorry, it’s just one of my last nights together before she leaves for camp—to be a counselor!

Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?

Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn’t agree to that!

Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term thing?

Ross: I don’t know.

Phoebe: Y’know, you are 12 years older than her.

Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?

All: Yeah! Yeah, sort of. I’m sorry.

Ross: Uh-uh—Wow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesn’t really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I’m the one dating Elizabeth, not you!

Joey: That’s not what she said last night. (Ross glares at him.)

Rachel: See? Now, he could date her.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is practicing proposing.]

Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) What’s going on little elves?

Joey: It’s the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck!

Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring?

Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh! Oop! (Hands him back the ring.)

Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she’s gonna know.

Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!

(Monica enters from the bedroom.)

Monica: Hi guys.

Chandler: (To Monica) You are beautiful.

Monica: Oh, thank you! (The gang exhibits signs of quiet apprehension and wears knowing glances.) (Monica giggles.) What’s going on?

Rachel: (breaking up) We’re just really…very excited about this charity event that we have to go to.

[Scene: The Charity Event, they’re holding a silent auction, Rachel is looking at one of the items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass of wine.]

Phoebe: Here.

Rachel: Oh! Thank you!

Phoebe: So now what’s going on here?

Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.

Phoebe: No, I know what a silent is I meant, what’s going on with your hair?

Rachel: (suddenly worried) Uh, wh-why?

Phoebe: No! It’s nice!

(Rachel’s boss, Mr. Thompson walks up.)

Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you Rachel.

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Mr. Thompson: So glad you brought someone.

Rachel: Someone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. (She introduces them.) He’s the head of my department.

Phoebe: Oh, hi. (They shake hands.)

Rachel: And I also brought my friend Joey…

Joey: (behind them) Oh!! Shrimp toast! (Walks right past the little group on his way for the shrimp toast.)

Rachel: Well, y’know I-I don’t know where he is.

Mr. Thompson: Well, I hope you’re gonna bid on some things Rachel.

Rachel: Well, y’know what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris.

Mr. Thompson: Ohh, nice choice.

Rachel: Yeah.

Mr. Thompson: Good luck.

Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after he’s left.) Okay, (writing her bid down) twenty dollars.

[Scene: Elizabeth’s Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.]

{Transcriber’s Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So I’m just gonna guess since it doesn’t matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got it right or not?)}

Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!! (Runs over and closes the door.)

Ross: What’s-what’s going on?

Elizabeth: The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us.

Ross: Oh, you have to call the police! That’s what I did to the kids in my building!

Elizabeth: No, it’s a water balloon fight! We started it!

Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it’s supposed to be excellent. The director is the same…

Elizabeth: (ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?

Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.)

Elizabeth: (To Ross) You want some?! (Starts to squirt the Kamikaze at him.)

Ross: No! Okay! Okay! (Stops her.) Okay, look, can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second?

Elizabeth: Yeah, sure.

Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? It’s-it’s gotten great reviews! Y’know the uh…

(Suddenly the door opens and two guys come rushing in wielding water balloons.)

First Dorm Guy: Attack!

(They start lobbing the balloons in. Ross desperately tries to get out of the line of fire but is struck in the back. The girls all retreat to relative safety behind the couch.)

Second Dorm Guy: Put your balloons down!

The Girls: You put your balloons down!!

First Dorm Guy: You put your balloons down!!

(Both opposing camps start screaming at each other to drop their weapons and surrender. Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.)

Ross: (screaming) Everybody put their balloons down!!! (There is a temporary cease fire.) Now this is a nice suit!! (Shows everyone where he was hit.)

[Scene: The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is announcing the winners of the silent auction.]

Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. (Pause.) It goes to Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300.

Rachel: Ugh! So close!

(Phoebe returns a with a tray full of different kinds of drinks.)

Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: I got me some drinks!

Rachel: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Open bar!

Rachel: Well now it’s an empty bar.

Phoebe: You just can’t stand anyone else enjoying themselves can’t you?

Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentleman’s day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.)

Joey: I won! That was my guess!

Rachel: What?! What?! What?!

Joey: I guessed 20,000!

Rachel: Joey! It is an auction! You don’t guess, you buy!

Joey: What?! I don’t have 20,000!

Mr. Thompson: Congratulations on your new boat, Joey Tribbiani!!

(Everyone applauds and he stands up slowly.)

Rachel: Joey! Sit down! (Pulls him down.)

Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.]

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what he’s looking for and sighs in relief.]

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It’s a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)

Monica: Are you okay?

Chandler: Yes! Yes! I’m good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything—are you—are you perrr-perfect?!

Monica: Yeah. I’m okay. I’m actually—I’m a little cold, can I have your jacket?

Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you can’t have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should’ve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?

Monica: (laughs) Are you sure you’re okay?

Chandler: Yes! I’m fine. In fact I’ve been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.

Monica: Ohh that’s sweet!

Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn’t imagine growing old with…

(As he’s talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Let’s see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)

Monica: (interrupting him) Oh my God!

Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.

Monica: Oh my God, Richard. (Yep, Richard’s back.)

Chandler: What?! I’m Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, that’s Richard!

Monica: Oh God, maybe he won’t see us. Richard!

(Monica smiles then acts shocked. Chandler can’t believe she just did that.)

Richard: (approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler!

Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I don’t know why I did that!

Monica: Hey, it’s good to see you!

Richard: You too, you let uh, your hair grow long.

Monica: Yeah—Oh that’s right. You, you always wanted me too. Hey, I see you got your mustache back.

Richard: Well, my nose got lonely.

Chandler: (to Richard’s date) And uh, you don’t have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) I’m Chandler; I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.

Richard’s Date: Hi, I’m Lisa.

Chandler: Hi.

Richard: Oh, I’m sorry. (Introduces them.) Lisa, (nodding at each) Monica, Chandler. We used to date.

Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again.

Monica: Chandler, wh-why don’t we sit down?

Chandler: Yeah, I’ll sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)

Monica: (to Richard) It’s good to see you

Matire’d: (to Richard) You’re table’s ready sir.

Richard: Oh. Good to see you guys.

Chandler: Yes. (Thinking he’s gone.)

Matire’d: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandler’s) Or if you prefer, this table is available.

Richard: That might be fun. (Richard and Lisa sit down.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting at their table.]

Rachel: What were you thinking?!

Joey: I didn’t know it was an auction!

Rachel: Wh?!

Joey: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat!

Rachel: Why would a charity give away a free boat?!

Joey: I don’t know! Charity?

Rachel: Ugh!

Phoebe: Well, just buy the damn boat! (She’s still working her way through her tray of booze.)

Rachel: Phoebe, don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink?

Phoebe: I’m just helping the kids!

Rachel: How is you drinking helping the kids?

Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.

Mr. Thompson: (approaching) Mr. Tribbiani.

Joey: Oh hi!

Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center.

Joey: Just out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth?

Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000

Joey: (To Rachel) Hey, I was pretty close. (She just glares at him.) Uhh, so bad news. Umm, I can’t buy the boat, I don’t have any money.

(Mr. Thompson looks shocked and at Rachel, she suddenly starts laughing.)

Rachel: Joey! Joey, good one! (Mr. Thompson starts to laugh.)

Mr. Thompson: That’s good. Very good! (Walks away.)

(After he’s left, Rachel stops laughing and glares at Joey again.)

Joey: So uh listen, I think I’m gonna take off now. (Starts to get up.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Hey! You…can’t…leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!

Joey: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don’t have that kind of money!

Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what we’re gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you’re just gonna pay the difference.

Joey: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Joey: Look, I don’t know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Y’know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!

Rachel: Not great.

[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandler’s and Richard and Lisa’s tables have been pushed together and they’re all eating and talking.]

Monica: And so, we’re hiding in the bathroom.

Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in.

Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know they’re going at it right on the bathroom floor.

Lisa: (laughing) Oh my God!

{Transcriber’s Note: For further reading on the above story, please check out The One Where Joey Moves Out.}

Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.

(An awkward silence ensues.)

Richard: It’s so great seeing you guys again. I’d like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, “In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds it’s morning and is refreshed.”

Monica: Ohh.

Chandler: What?!

(They all drink.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.]

Ross: Oh my God, you guys!! (He’s excited about what he thought happened.)

Chandler: (stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!

Ross: Who?

Chandler: Richard!

Ross: What? (Excited) A-ohh! (Realizes) Ohh. Oh that’s right that’s right. That’s Richard’s favorite place too.

Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good!

Monica: I thought you were going out with Elizabeth.

Ross: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.

Monica: Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can’t get out of!

Ross: Y’know, maybe she is too young for me. Y’know, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don’t know what to do.

Monica: Why don’t you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean that’s what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.

Ross: Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, I’m-I’m 12 years older than she is.

Monica: If the school finds out you’re fired.

Ross: Hmm.

Monica: She’s leaving for three months.

Chandler: For camp!

Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well she’s-she’s sweet and pretty and…

Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, “Do you see a future?” I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn’t you?!

Ross: No! No! I…didn’t do that. It’s just… Okay, honestly no. I don’t, I don’t see a big future with her.

Monica: Okay well I think…that’s your answer.

Ross: I’ve got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.

Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you’re not careful you may not get married at all this year!

[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table as Joey approaches.]

Joey: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one.

Rachel: Oh great!

Joey: (To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four.

Phoebe: Oh, okay.

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip?

Phoebe: It’s a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy she’s wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?

Emil Alexander: That was me.

Phoebe: Oh, en chante. (She holds out her hand for him to kiss it, but he only shakes it.)

{Transcriber’s Note: Please correct my French here.}

[Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.]

Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?

Mr. Bowmont: That’s me.

Joey: Ahh, yes. (Pushes Rachel in front of himself so that she could do the talking.)

Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.

Joey: You-you have to pay that! It’s not just a guess.

Rachel: (To Joey) Okay. Okay. (Shushes him.)

Mr. Bowmont: I was actually relieved uh I didn’t win the boat. My wife would’ve killed me.

Rachel: Ohh…

Joey: Are you kidding me?! She’s gonna this boat!

Rachel: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wife’s name?

Mr. Bowmont: It’s Pam.

Rachel: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this, “The Pam.”

Joey: Aw-awww!

Mr. Bowmont: I don’t think she’d like that.

Rachel: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, “The Mr. Bowmont.”

Joey: Oooooh…

Mr. Bowmont: I don’t think so dear.

Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin’ sail up the Hudson! You’ve got the wind in your h—(sees that he’s bald)—arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you’ve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin’! You can—ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you’re old, Cappy.

Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, it’s for a good cause! All right!

Joey: No way! It’s mine!!

Rachel: (To Joey) What?! What?!

Joey: All that stuff you just said? I want that!

Rachel: But Joey you don’t have $20,000!

Joey: Who cares?! I-I’ll make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]

Joey: Oh my God, you’re back!

Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is frantically trying to wave them off.)

Monica: Why do you want to see my hand?

Phoebe: I wanna see what’s in your hand. I wanna see the trash.

Joey: Yeah.

(Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.)

Phoebe: Eww! Oh, it’s all dirty. You should throw this out.

Monica: (suspiciously) Okay. (Exits to carry out Phoebe’s wishes.)

Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!

Phoebe: What happened?

Chandler: Richard was there so I couldn’t do it!

Joey: What?! Noooo… (Phoebe gasps.)

Chandler: I’m gonna do it tomorrow y’know, and-and surprise her, but now you’ve ruined it!

Joey: We didn’t ruin it!

Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a person’s hands?!

Phoebe: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor…

Joey: Glove salesman!

Phoebe: Good one! Yeah.

Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do?

Phoebe: Look, she only suspects something okay? She doesn’t know for sure, so just throw her off the track.

Chandler: That’s right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.

Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that you’re scared of commitment! Convince her that you’re a little coward!

Chandler: I can do that, I’ve had 30 years of practice.

Joey: Hey, being you is finally gonna pay off! (They give each other fives.)

Monica: (entering) I had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes!

Joey: That guy’s still doing that?!

Rachel: (entering) Hey! (Sees Monica, gasps, and runs over to her.) Oh my God you’re here, let me see your hand!!

Phoebe: No, you’re too late!!! She already took out the trash!!!

[Scene: Outside of Elizabeth’s dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts.]

Ross: (in his head) Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didn’t seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake?

Elizabeth: (sticking her head out her window) Ross! Wait!

Ross: Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about…

Elizabeth: You suck!!

Ross: What?!

(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.)

Ross: Okay, break-up’s still on!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]

Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn’t want to get married?

Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before.

Monica: (entering) Hi guys!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: What are you up too?

Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin’ about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.

Joey: (laughs) Yeah, Big Brother.

Monica: Well that’s a little crazy. Although I am y’know glad to hear that you’re branching out on what you look at on the Internet.

Chandler: Yeah, well… Y’know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?

Monica: Why?! To celebrate your relationship! To solidify your commitment! To declare your love for one another to the world!

Chandler: Eh…

Monica: Okay well that’s good to know.

(We hear the backup horn of a truck and see through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has arrived.)

Joey: (all excited) The Mr. Bowmont’s here!!! (Jumps over the back off the couch and runs out into the street.)

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant’s kitchen, she’s cooking as a waitress sticks her head in.]

Waitress: Hey Monica, there’s a customer who wants to complement the chef, should I let him in?

Monica: Sure, I love this part! (Starts to look busy.)

Waitress: (to the customer) Come on in.

(The customer turns out to be…)

Richard: Hi!

Monica: Richard!

Richard: Actually, I’m not here to complement the chef.

Monica: Ohh… Oh, that’s okay I hate when people come back to complement the chef. Like I have nothing better to do! So what’s up?

Richard: Well, it was great seeing you the other night.

Monica: Oh, good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that?

Richard: No! I came here to tell you something else. (Pause) I came here (Pause) to tell you I still love you.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant, continued from earlier.]

Monica: What uh—What did you—What?!

Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldn’t even be here telling you this, I mean you’re with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say he’s straight I’ll believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didn’t tell ya I’d regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.

Monica: Y’know you’re really not supposed to be back here!

Richard: Well yeah, I’m sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.

Monica: Oh God… (Starts looking around.) Why don’t they put chairs back here?!

Richard: I know this is crazy but am I too late?

Monica: What the… Yes you’re too late! Where was all this three years ago?!

Richard: Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! Y’know after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head!

Monica: What were you doing in Africa?

Richard: Working with blind kids.

Monica: Ohhh! What are you doing to me?! Oh look, I-I… I’m sorry but umm, this-this-this-this is not going to happen.

Richard: Okay that’s fine, I’ll walk away. And I’ll never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandler’s willing to give you everything I am.

Monica: Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in fact, I’m the one that’s making him wait!

Richard: You are?

Monica: Yeah!

Richard: Why?

Monica: Why? Because of the government.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is bringing Phoebe some coffee.]

Rachel: Isn’t it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin’ married.

Phoebe: I know, they’re gonna be so happy together.

Rachel: Ohh… I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen?

Phoebe: Not that often!

Rachel: No! I’m so happy for them!

Phoebe: Me too! So happy for them!

Rachel: I’m so happy and not at all jealous.

Phoebe: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous!

(They both take a drink of coffee.)

Rachel: I mean I’m probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what’s 2%? That’s nothing.

Phoebe: Totally. I’m like 90/10.

Rachel: Yeah me too.

(Joey enters looking like Captain Stubing from the Love Boat.)

Joey: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler?

Rachel: (staring at him) Wh—no, but y’know who did stop in here looking for ya, Tennille.

[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]

Monica: So that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don’t really believe that do you?

Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let’s take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs don’t mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that’s just an ordinary pig not even a pig that’s good at sports!

Monica: Yeah, but that’s pigs not people!

Chandler: If marriage worked, I’d be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.

Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never want to get married?

Chandler: Well, never say never but y’know probably uh yeah, never.

Monica: Oh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?!

Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don’t you put down your copy of ‘The Rules’ huh mantrap?!

Monica: Y’know what?! I gotta go! Ugh!

(She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)

Chandler: (to them) It’s okay, I got a plan.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still talking.]

Rachel: We’re gonna find love!

Phoebe: Definitely!

Rachel: Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that. That’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well y’know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they’re 40, they marry each other.

Phoebe: You mean a backup?

Rachel: Exactly!

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah I got that.

Rachel: You do?

Phoebe: Hm-mmm.

Rachel: Who?

Phoebe: Joey.

Rachel: Joey?!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: Are you serious?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him years ago!

Rachel: Wh… So… If neither of you are married by the time you’re 40, you’re gonna marry Joey.

Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.

Rachel: Oh, seriously?

Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were… (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)

Rachel: Charming.

Phoebe: Well hey, it’s just a backup.

Rachel: Yeah.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters.]

Joey: Hey Monica!

Monica: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?

Joey: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh?

Monica: Yeah, it’s great.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, what’s the matter?! Talk to the captain!

Monica: I’m just having one of those days where you realize you’re in a dead-end relationship!

Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?

Monica: It’s not like I want to get married tomorrow! It’s just that I-I’d like to believe that I’m in a relationship that’s actually going somewhere, that I’m not just wasting my time!

Joey: Well, you know Chandler.

Monica: No I don’t know Chandler! Not anymore! It’s like it’s like something’s changed.

Joey: Maybe you changed?

Monica: I didn’t change!

Joey: Maybe that’s the problem.

Monica: What?!

Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.

Monica: Is that some kind of boat talk?

Joey: I don’t know! (All excited) I haven’t totally decided how to talk on my boat yet.

Monica: What does he think? Does he think I’m just gonna wait around for nothing?

Joey: Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be!

Monica: (starts for the door) Well there’s some people who do want to marry me.

Joey: There are?

Monica: Yeah! Richard!

Joey: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! (Monica nods yes.) And-and Chandler’s tellin’ ya how much he hates marriage?!

Monica: That’s right.

Joey: Chandler loves marriage!!

Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that he’s a-a complex fellow who’s unlikely to take a wife! That-that he’s against marriage and always will be!

Joey: You got that from what I said?!

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Ross is watching a show about the extinction of the dinosaurs.]

Narrator: When the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone.

Ross: What happened you guys?

(There’s a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off, and answers it.)

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: Hey you!

Ross: Hey, come on in.

Rachel: Oh thank you. Hey y’know, I’m so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.

Ross: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we’d be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Rachel: Yeah, love. It’s a tricky business isn’t it?

Ross: I guess so.

Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we’re 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we’ve-we’ve already slept together so y’know there’ll be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, “What’s that?!”

Ross: Right. Ohh! You-you want me to be your backup.

Rachel: Exactly.

Ross: Ohh, yeah I already have one.

Rachel: What? Who?

Ross: Phoebe.

Rachel: Phoebe?! Wait a—but-but she just, she said that Joey was her backup.

Ross: Ohh, I don’t think so.

Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!

Ross: That’s impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is entering to find Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, on the phone.]

Joey: Where the hell have you been?!

Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor.

Joey: Richard told Monica he wants to marry her!

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Yeah! Yeah, I’ve been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes wouldn’t keep flying off!

Chandler: My—Oh my God!

Joey: I know! They suck!!

Chandler: He’s not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I’m supposed to do that!

Joey: I know!

Chandler: Well what… Y’know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go over there; I’m gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!

Joey: Look, Chandler I don’t think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!

Chandler: You’re right.

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) I’m gonna get the ring! I’m gonna get the ring! (Does so) I’m gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) I’m just going to propose!

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: Okay great.

Joey: Dude-dude-dude!

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Let me know about that coconut phone, it might great for the boat.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, he’s smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal…]

Monica: Hi.

Richard: Hi.

Monica: I don’t know why I’m here.

Richard: I didn’t ask. You wanna come in?

Monica: I don’t know.

Richard: Oh, okay. Well, I’ll just leave the door open and go sit on the couch. (Does so.)

Monica: (entering) Chandler is such an idiot!

Richard: (standing up quickly) Drink?

Monica: Yeah, I’ll have a scotch…

Richard: …on the rocks with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.)

Monica: (moving over to the couch) Still smoking cigars?

Richard: Uh, no! No! That’s…art! If it bothers you I can put my art out.

Monica: No that’s, that’s okay.

Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question. Y’know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?

Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.

Richard: Oh really?

Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don’t like my new eye doctor.

Richard: Who is it?

Monica: Edward Nevski?

Richard: Yeah he’s no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye doctor way?

Monica: No.

Richard: Ahh.

Monica: But getting over was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.

(Richard mouths, “Wow!”)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups!

Phoebe: Of course I can! It’s just good sense to backup your backup! Look, I’ve already lost Chandler!

Rachel: What?!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Phoebe! We’re both (points at Ross and himself) your backup?!

Ross: Phoebe, how could you do this to me?!

Phoebe: I don’t—Look I don’t know what you’re complaining about now? You were both aware of the situation!

(At the same time.)

Joey: No we weren’t!

Ross: I was not!

Phoebe: Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we’re married!

Rachel: Phoebe you can’t have both of them! You have to pick one!

Joey: Pick me!!

Ross: No! Pick me! I don’t want to end up an old maid!

Phoebe: All right well let’s see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat—This is hard!

Joey: This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to Rachel!

Ross: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!

(Rachel gets all happy.)

Phoebe: No wait! Just—Okay—Just wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Don’t make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week.

Rachel: Oh God, Phoebe!

Phoebe: (To Rachel) I’m talking about massages.

Rachel: Oh.

(She turns her head away and when she’s not looking, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths, “No, I’m not.” Both Joey and Ross smile, look at each other, and then stop smiling.)

Rachel: Okay, y’know what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what we’re gonna do! I’m gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so) and I’m gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?

Joey: Okay that’s fair.

Ross: All right.

Phoebe: Good!

(Rachel mixes them up in her hands, moves them all around, and puts her hands behind her back.)

Rachel: Pick one.

Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.

Rachel: You’re welcome.

Phoebe: (reading) Ross!

Rachel: (reading) Joey! (Pause) We should just switch.

Phoebe: Yeah absolutely! (They both switch.)

Joey: Yeah.

[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, Monica is looking around and notices an African mask hanging on the wall.]

Monica: (to the mask) I missed you-you ugly, flat faced old freak!

Richard: Excuse me?

Monica: Oh! (Laughs and points at the mask.) Him.

Richard: Oh. (Laughs.) Whew!

Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-up’s apartment! Y’know, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!

Richard: Yeah! You’re saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache.

Monica: Y’know, let’s face it, I’m not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don’t want that!

Richard: I think that’s fair.

Monica: Fair? Please don’t even talk to me about fair! Fair would’ve been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would’ve been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

Richard: It’s okay! Shh! Hey. Hey. (Hugs her) Shhhh.

Monica: Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I don’t kn—Umm. I don’t know. Umm…

Richard: I know. (Backs away.)

Monica: Y’know, I-I… I have to figure…some st—Y’know, some stuff before I can…

Richard: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. (Pause) Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. I’ll be here. Not smoking. (Monica leaves.)

[Scene: Richard’s Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.]

Richard: Chandler.

Chandler: Where is she? I’m not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)

Richard: She’s not here and please come in.

Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!

Richard: Okay, she was here, but she left.

Chandler: Well where did she go?

Richard: Well she said she had to think things over.

Chandler: Oh my God, I can’t believe this! Y’know, I thought…I thought you were a good guy.

Richard: Oh, hey look nothing happened.

Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn’t tell my girlfriend that you love her?

Richard: Well all right, one thing happened?

Chandler: Y’know what? I can’t believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!

Richard: Well I’m sorry.

Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her!

Richard: Well, apparently I’m willing to offer her things that you are not.

Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, y’know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she’d be surprised!

Richard: Well if it helps, it worked very well.

Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn’t fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.

Richard: You were gonna propose? (Sits on the arm of the couch.)

Chandler: Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?

Richard: No I don’t have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don’t let her go. Trust me.

Chandler: Y’know Richard…you are a good guy.

Richard: I know. (Pause) I hate that!

(Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the door closes behind him he opens it, runs back in, picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him, and runs back out.)

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]

Joey: Dude!

Chandler: I can’t talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!

Joey: She’s gone.

Chandler: What?

Joey: She’s gone. She had a bag and she left.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Joey: She was all crying. She-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think.

Chandler: Well why didn’t you stop her?! Why didn’t you just tell her it was a plan?!

Joey: I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn’t believe me.

Chandler: Well where… Where did she go?

Joey: To her parent’s I think and she said you shouldn’t call her. But if I were you I would.

Chandler: I can’t believe I ruined this.

Joey: I am so sorry man.

(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.

(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)

Chandler: Oh my God.

(Monica gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!

Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought… (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?

Monica: Yes.

(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)

Monica: I knew you were likely to take a wife!

(They hug again.)

Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here!

Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We’re engaged!!!

(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)

Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous I’ve ever been!

Phoebe: Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isn’t here!

Monica: Oh…

Rachel: Oh hell, he’s done this three times! He knows what its about!

Joey: Yeah!

(They all hug again.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, it’s just Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton. And you can buy that album from the CFSI, just click on the CDNow link.]

End

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Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Phoebe is at the sink and Chandler is looking at a ring brochure.]

Chandler: Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I can’t figure this out! It’s so hard! Should I get her a (turning to each page) Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or a—ah-ah! Paper cut!

Phoebe: Now, have you told anyone else?

Chandler: No, I don’t want to tell anybody else because I don’t want Monica to find out.

Phoebe: You told me.

Chandler: Well, it’s because I trust you, you’re one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures.

Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn’t been on the toilet.

Chandler: Me too.

(Joey and Ross enter causing Chandler to quickly hide the brochure behind his back.)

Joey: Hey. (Heads straight for the fridge.)

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! So Chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse?

Chandler: Oh all right.

Phoebe: Yeah, coffeehouse.

Ross: Oh perfect, we were just gonna see if you wanted to go.

Chandler: Oh well, we don’t because we got…the…other pl-place.

(Joey returns with a piece of pizza as Chandler and Phoebe exit.)

Ross: How rude.

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. You wanna bite? (Holds his piece out for him.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: So how are things going with Paul?

Rachel: Good. Although y’know, he-he’s a private guy. Y’know, I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings.

Phoebe: That’s easy! You just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles that won’t open.

Rachel: So what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table?

Phoebe: No that’s what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone.

Paul: (entering) Hi honey.

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Watch this.

Paul: (To Rachel) How are you?

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Okay.

Phoebe: Hi Paul!

Paul: Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: So how are things going with you?

Paul: Can’t complain.

(Phoebe turns to Rachel and mimes remove a lid of a jar. Ross enters and Paul motions for Rachel to leave with him now.)

Paul: (whispering) Come on.

Rachel: Okay. (Gets up and starts to leave with Paul.)

Paul: (To Ross) Hey!

Ross: Hi!

(They shake hands and their lines overlap.)

Paul: Ross!

Ross: Great to see you!

Paul: Good to see you too!

Ross: How you doing?

Paul: Good. Bye! (Starts to leave.)

Ross: Okay! You take care!

(Ross turns his back on Paul and makes a ‘I hate that guy’ face. Paul does the same thing.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, what-what was the deal with you and Chandler blowing us off before?

Phoebe: Yeah! That was so weird, huh?

Ross: Phoebe, why’d you do it?

Phoebe: I didn’t do it! It was Chandler! He’s… He’s mad at you!

Ross: What?! Why?!

Phoebe: Please, I think you know why.

Ross: I can’t think of anything.

Phoebe: Come on Ross, you’re a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.

Ross: Wait a minute, is it because Joey and I didn’t invite him to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago?

Phoebe: Do you think that’s something that he’d be mad at you for?

Ross: I guess it could.

Phoebe: Well then I think that’s it.

Ross: Well, if he’s angry, he really shouldn’t just cover it up. I-I wish he would just tell me the truth.

Phoebe: Oh, if that’s what you want you then you really should run his head under hot water and bang his head against a table.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Paul and Rachel are getting ready to go out. Paul is entering from the bathroom.]

Paul: Honey I made a reservation at China Garden, is that okay?

Rachel: Yeah that’s great. But first, wait, talk to me, talk to me. Tell me about your day.

Paul: It was fine.

Rachel: Okay. Hey, what are you thinking? What are you thinking right now?

Paul: I’m thinking that you are looking really fine it that dress.

Rachel: Yeah that’s great Paul, but y’know I wanna know what—(Puts her hands on his shoulders)—Wow, those are really great! I just wanna know what, what is behind this-this strong, silent exterior. Y’know they say that still waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours.

Paul: Are you talking about having sex?

Rachel: No Paul, I don’t know anything about you! Y’know, like-like your childhood! Tell me about your childhood!

Paul: Normal.

Rachel: Okay, well then how about puberty! Come on, that’s always a painful time! Y’know your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand in warm water while you’re sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag.

Paul: Nope! That never happened to me!

Rachel: Well, you’re lucky you never met that bitch Sharon Majesky. Anyway, umm… The rest of you life, y’know? Any regrets?

Paul: Nope.

Rachel: All right Paul, I’m not asking for a lot here. Okay? Just give me something. Anything!

Paul: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Paul: Okay.

Rachel: All right.

Paul: When I was six years old.

Rachel: Hm-mmm.

Paul: I wanted a big wheel. And instead my parents got me this little plastic chicken that you hop around on. It was embarrassing; kids made fun of me. That was a pretty tough year.

Rachel: That’s-that’s great! See? I already feel like I know you a little better! Thank you. Okay, come on. Now we can go eat. Let’s go. (Gets up to leave, but Paul doesn’t move.)

Paul: It was horrible. They called me chicken boy.

Rachel: Oh!

[Time Lapse, Paul is now weeping uncontrollably in Rachel’s arms.]

Paul: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasn’t really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little scare right here (points to it) you can see it.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I see the scare. Listen, Paul, I think this is really great that-that y’know, you shared your feelings. It’s really, it’s beautiful, but umm, what do you say we go share some food?

Paul: Oh, I couldn’t eat now.

Rachel: What?! Wait! What are you talking about?! You love their Kung Pao Chicken!

Paul: Chicken? (Pointing to himself.) Chicken boy!

Rachel: My God, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! I wouldn’t do that!

(Paul screams like a chicken and breaks down into tears again.)

[Scene: A Jewelry Shop, Chandler and Phoebe are looking at engagement rings.]

Chandler: Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring store we’ve been too and I can’t find the perfect ring! (Goes over to another display counter and starts pointing at rings.) Ugly ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! (Notices that one of the jewelers is watching him.) It’s a beautiful selection. (The jeweler walks away slowly.)

Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you don’t get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something different. Y’know? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, y’know? Or an engagement tiara? Or—ooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket! (Picks one up from the display in the corner.

Chandler: Y’know, I’m so glad I picked you to help me with this.

Phoebe: Huh? Can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?

Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna stick with the ring. (Goes to another display counter.) Oh, this one’s nice! (Pointing to another ring.) I like this one! Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I see this one?

Phoebe: (coming over after returning the musket) Wait a minute, no, this is, this is the reason you brought me. Okay? I know how to haggle. So let me handle this from here on out.

Male Jeweler: Can I help you?

Chandler: Uh-uh, yes. I would like to see that ring please.

Phoebe: Or not, whatever.

Male Jeweler: This ring is from the 1920s, it’s a one and a half carat diamond with sapphires on either side.

Chandler: Sir, can I ask you to umm, could you…hold out that ring and ask me to marry you?

Male Jeweler: Okay. (Holds out the ring, deadpan.) Will you marry me?

Chandler: (choking up) Oh my God that’s it, that’s the ring! How much is it?

Phoebe: Chandler, I-I will handle this! (To the jeweler) How much is it?

Male Jeweler: 8,600.

Phoebe: We will give you $10.

Male Jeweler: (angrily) Are you interested in this ring?!

Chandler: Yes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000.

Male Jeweler: Okay, I can let it go at eight.

Phoebe: We stand firm at $10.

Male Jeweler: (ignoring her) How would you like to pay?

Chandler: Uh, credit card. (Reaches for it then realizes) Oh no! No-no, but I left my credit card with Joey. (To Phoebe) Okay, I’ll go get it. You guard the ring.

Phoebe: Okay. (To the jeweler) Listen, I’m sorry about before. Do you have anything her for $10.

Male Jeweler: Uh yes, I have these two rather beautiful $5 bills. (Holds them up from his pocket.)

Phoebe: I’ll give you $1 for them.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Joey are there.]

Ross: Hey, remember how Chandler and Phoebe blew us off yesterday?

Joey: No.

Ross: Remember? You-you were eating pizza.

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Okay. Well, apparently Chandler’s angry at us for not getting him a ticket to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago.

Joey: Oh, we’re supposed to just get him a ticket?! That guy is always mooching off of us!

Ross: Yeah! Anyway, I-I still think we should try to patch things up, y’know? Like uh, maybe we could get him to get tickets to another Knicks game and invite him.

Joey: Oh wow that’s a great idea! And I still have his credit card.

Gunther: (handing them the bill) Here you go.

Ross: Oh. (Starts to get his money)

Joey: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. (Hands Gunther Chandler’s card.) Y’know I gotta tell ya, sometimes I just—I don’t get Chandler. Y’know, me and him do stuff all the time without you and you don’t get all upset.

Ross: All the time?

Joey: All the time!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!!

Monica: Still crying?

Rachel: Like a little girl. I know. I know. I know. This is all my fault; I wanted him to open up. But God, I didn’t know that I was gonna unleash this-this weepy, clingy, moist monster!

Monica: Y’know, I only know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.

Rachel: What’s the other one?

Monica: I don’t know, I’ve never had to use the other one. I’m just saying y’know, if we’re having sex, he’s not gonna be talking.

Rachel: Oh that’s right. You’re the talker. (They both reflect on that briefly) Anyway uh, great idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store; I told him that I would buy him some more tissues.

Monica: Oh, we have some…

Rachel: No you don’t!

[Scene: The Jewelry Store, Phoebe is busy trying on virtually everything in the store. She’s got earrings, rings, bracelets, and enough necklaces to put Mr. T to shame on.]

Phoebe: Okay umm, I’d also like to try on the tiara. (The male jeweler hands it to her.) Oh yeah. Okay. (Puts it on.) (To the jeweler) What do you think, too much?

Male Jeweler: A tad.

Phoebe: Okay. Then, take the tiara back and let me hold the musket again. (He hands it to her and Phoebe poses in front of one of those small mirrors.) Something’s missing. It’s not… Okay oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out.

Male Jeweler: (to the female jeweler) Where’s the 1920s princess cut ring.

Female Jeweler: I just sold it to that gentleman. (Points to the one walking out the store.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She runs after him, but sets of the security system, which locks the store’s door and brings down a set of bars behind her, caging her in.) No! What?! Help me! Let me out! Now! (Points the musket at them.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Paul is still crying as Chandler enters.]

Paul: Rachel?

Chandler: No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.)

Paul: (acting manly to try and cover up his crying) Okay. Chandler, did your dad ever hug you?

Chandler: No, did he hug you?!

Paul: No! No! It’s just that, my dad never did. I miss my dad.

Chandler: Well, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads.

Paul: Hey Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah?

Paul: Would you…….Would you hug me?

Chandler: I’m a little busy here Paul.

Paul: That’s exactly what my dad used to say! (Starts to breakdown again.)

Chandler: Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. (Paul rushes over and hugs Chandler tightly.) Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.) Okay. (The hug continues.)

Paul: Five more seconds.

Chandler: Okay! (Pushes him away.)

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Paul: Joey! (Goes over and hugs Joey and picks him off of his feet.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa-hey-hey! (Motions to Chandler, “What’s going on?”) Hi, Paul is it? (Paul nods yes and still hugging Joey.)

Chandler: Do you have my credit card?

Joey: Yes, it’s in my… In…in my pocket. (Paul hasn’t dropped him yet.) (Chandler starts to reach for his front pocket.) My back pocket! My back pocket!

Chandler: Thank God! (Grabs his card.)

Joey: Oh hey listen I got us tickets to a Knicks game tonight.

Chandler: Oh, I can’t go.

Joey: Come on! It’ll be fun! Me, you, and Ross, and… Paul probably…

[Scene: The Jewelry Store, Chandler is entering with his credit card and Phoebe is holding out another ring for him.]

Phoebe: Chandler, I found the perfect ring. (Holding it out for her.)

Chandler: Oh, that’s uh, that’s pretty nice but I’m gonna go with the one I picked first.

Phoebe: Oh my God Chandler, the one you picked is gone. It’s over!

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Some guy bought it. I’m sorry. I tired to stop it but they (points to the jeweler) put me in jail!

Chandler: They put you in jail?

Phoebe: The little jail between the doors!

Chandler: Phoebe, I asked you to guard the ring!

Phoebe: I know, I’m sorry! But y’know, this ring is better! Monica never even saw the other ring.

Chandler: Yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps.

Phoebe: Maybe it was the guy.

Chandler: It was the ring!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch and Joey is entering.]

Ross: Hey! So uh, was he excited about the tickets?

Joey: No! He blew us off!

Ross: What?!

Joey: I know!

Ross: I can’t believe it. (Pause) Can I tell you something? I’m a little mad at him now.

Joey: Can I tell you something? Me too.

Ross: Y’know what? He didn’t want to talk to us about being angry, well maybe we don’t talk to him at all!

Joey: Ooooh! Freeze him out.

Ross: That’s right!

Joey: I like it!

Ross: Eh? We’ll show him!

Joey: From now on, it’s gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. (They shake hands.) Okay! We’re gonna be the new Joey and Chandler.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Paul is writing something as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi. I’m back.

Paul: Hey! I have so much more to tell ya, I’ve written it all down!

Rachel: Ah that’s great. No actually that’s… (In a sexy voice) That’s great! That’s really great! Y’know, I gotta tell ya writing, I mean writing, gets me uh, gets me kinda hot.

Paul: Wait! Wait! Listen! Listen to this! (Flips a couple pages and points to something.) Y’know what I wanted to be when I was that age?

Rachel: A lover?

Paul: A surfer.

Rachel: Oh yeah surfer?

Paul: I wanted to be one with the waves, y’know?

Rachel: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, (sits on the counter and buttons her sweater to show some cleavage) get a little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a second, this isn’t too revealing is it?

Paul: (barely glancing at her) No. What ever happened to that little dude. (Pause) So full of dreams…

Rachel: I don’t care about the little dude! I can’t! I cannot listen to anymore of this! Y’know, the only person who would want to listen to this is a mental health professional! And then it’s only because they get paid $100 an hour! Do you know how much money I could’ve made listening to you? $2,000! And do you know when I figured that out? While you were talking!

Paul: What?! I can’t believe you’re trying to stifle me! When just 14 hours ago we figured out that that is exactly what my mother was trying to do to me!

Rachel: Oh… I’m sorry. I… I-I don’t mean—I didn’t mean to stifle you. I… This is all just a little overwhelming.

Paul: Oh Rachel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. It’s just that, when those gates open, you… (Starts to breakdown.) Hard to close ‘em. But they are closed now. Believe me.

Rachel: I’m so glad, I’m so glad you shared. (Feeling his shoulder.) And I’m glad that you’re done. What do you say we umm… (Nods in the direction of the bedroom.)

Paul: I would really like that. (They kiss.)

[Scene: Rachel’s Bedroom, Paul and Rachel are recovering.]

Paul: That was…so good. (Starts crying again.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is looking at the ring he bought and not liking it.]

Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey.

Chandler: I can’t believe I let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring!

Phoebe: It’s not a stupid gumball machine looking ring! It’s a beautiful ring!

Chandler: No, it’s not! When I looked at the other ring I could see Monica’s face when I gave it to her, y’know? And I could see her saying yes. When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless I look at it really closely and then I can see my own eye. (Does so and laughs.) Look, this is the most important thing I’m gonna do in my life. I wanna make sure it’s perfect.

Phoebe: Okay. There may be a way that we can get the other ring back. ‘Cause I heard the guy tell the jeweler where he was going to propose. So maybe we can get him to trade rings or something.

Chandler: I can’t do that.

Phoebe: Well you certainly can’t give her that stupid gumball ring.

[Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler and Phoebe are entering. This is the place where the guy who bought Chandler’s ring is going to propose.]

Phoebe: There he is! (Points.)

Chandler: Okay and he hasn’t proposed yet because she has no ring on her finger.

Phoebe: Wow! You’re good! After this, we should solve crimes.

Chandler: Yeah! Okay, go, go, go get him.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks over to him.) Excuse me sir? Could you come with me please? You have a phone call.

Customer: Who is it?

Phoebe: It is your office.

Customer: Do you know who at my office?

Phoebe: John?

Customer: Oh John! Great!

(She brings him over to Chandler.)

Phoebe: (To Chandler) Here he is.

Chandler: (to him) Hi! Hi. Okay, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring you’re about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. So, I’m gonna need to have that back. (The guy isn’t sure.) But, in exchange I’m willing to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring. (Looking at the ring.) Ew.

Phoebe: Wow! I would trade.

Customer: It is beautiful, but I’m gonna use this one. Now, if you’ll excuse me.

Chandler: No-no! This is my fiancee (Phoebe) and her heart was set on that ring. You don’t want to break her heart now do you?

Phoebe: Yeah, do you want to break a dying woman’s heart?

Customer: You’re dying?!

(Phoebe coughs.)

Chandler: Yeah, she’s dying… Of a cough apparently.

Phoebe: Yes, and it is my dying wish to have that ring. See, if I’m not buried with that ring then my spirit is going to wander the nether world for all eternity…

Chandler: (interrupting her) Okay, that’s enough honey!

Customer: I don’t know. (Pause) Let me see the ring.

Chandler: Great! Okay, here. (Holds the ring up for him.)

Customer: (looks at it) All right. (Exchanges rings.)

Chandler: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! (To his girlfriend) And you are about to marry a wonderful man! (She stunned and he’s horrified.) Hey! I’m marrying a dead woman!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey and Ross are watching TV as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Guys? (They ignore him.) I’ve got something important to tell ya. (Still nothing so he walks over and stands in front of the TV.) Guys? (They lean over to try and watch the TV, Chandler mimics them.) Guys?! (Pause) I’m gonna ask Monica to marry me.

Joey: (To Ross) I think we gotta end the freeze out.

Ross: Wait a minute, is this, is this for real?

Chandler: Yeah, check out the ring. (Shows it to them.)

Joey: Oh my God!!

Ross: So you two are really serious?!

Chandler: Yep, pretty much.

Ross: You-you’re gonna get married?! I mean… We’re gonna be brothers-in-law! (They hug.)

Joey: And-and-and-and-and-and, and we’re gonna be friends again!

Chandler: (goes to hug him and stops short) Heyyyy—What?

Joey: Oh it’s water under the bridge, forget it!

Chandler: Okay! (They hug.) I was gonna wait ‘til uh, it was official y’know? But I got so excited I just had to tell you guys because you’re my best friends.

Joey: I think I’m gonna cry!

Rachel: (who has just entered) Ugh! No more crying! Please! I just dumped one cry baby, I’ll dump you too!

(Ross and Joey urge Chandler to tell Rachel.)

Chandler: I’m gonna ask Monica to marry me.

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh Chandler!! (Hugs him.) You guys are gonna be so happy!

Chandler: I know.

Joey: (holding an empty tissue box) Where’s all the tissues?! (Throws the box down in disgust.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, continued from earlier. Chandler is showing Rachel the ring.]

Chandler: Check out the ring.

Rachel: (gasps) Nice! One and a half carat easy.

Phoebe: (entering) Hi.

Ross: Hey-hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: What?

Ross: Chandler’s gonna ask Monica to marry him!

Phoebe: Oh I know, I helped pick out the ring.

(Chandler laughs, turns, and sees that Ross and Joey aren’t happy.)

Ross: You told her before you told us?

Chandler: Well, she walked in when I was looking at the ring brochures. You can understand that, right? (Ross and Joey look at each other and go back to watching the game on TV.) Guys? Guys? (Walks in front of them again.)

End

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Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
Story by: Brian Caldirola
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: (dejected) Hi, you guys.

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: What’s the matter?

Phoebe: Well it’s just—it’s one of those situations that I just hate. Y’know? A massage client gave me three tickets to the Helmet-Pelts exhibit at the Morgan Chase museum.

Joey: (nodding knowingly) Now you’re thinking you gotta sleep with him.

Phoebe: No! No! It’s just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us!

Chandler: I’ll give up my ticket.

Joey: Me too.

Phoebe: Okay that’s so generous!

Chandler: And I think Ross is generous too.

Phoebe: Great! Okay then it’s just us girls!

Monica and Rachel: (less than enthused) Great.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: So what-what is the exhibit.

Phoebe: It’s mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed with video games and free sandwiches.

Joey: Oh man! (Hits Chandler)

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey Ross listen Chandler got you out of going to the lesbian sandwich museum this weekend!

Ross: Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I are going out of town.

Monica: Oh that’s great!

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: I mean think about all the money that you’re gonna make!

Ross: Why? What?

Monica: Well, her father pays you for baby-sitting right?

Ross: No, no, that’s funny. But maybe it’s time to move on, let it go, y’know? Stop it! Besides, Rachel is going out with Elizabeth’s father, so ah, he’s much older than she is. Looks like I’m not the only one interested in fossils, huh?

Rachel: I mean Ross all that does is remind us that you are interested in fossils.

Ross: Okay, okay. Uh, well uh, Rachel is going to need to yell sweet nothings (Paul enters) in his ear.

(And walks up right behind Ross, and standard sitcom joke 2B follows with the person being insulted standing right behind the person doing the insulting while the rest of the people become frightened and try to warn the insulter about the insultee’s presence.)

Chandler: Ross.

Ross: Oh, come on you guys; that’s funny! Y’know? Because he’s need—he’s got like a hearing aide y’know, ‘cause-‘cause y’know, ‘cause he’s all old, and…

(Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that he’ll just be one second.)

Paul: Okay look, Ross, just so you know that since Lizzie likes you so much, I’ve decided to accept the fact that you’re going out with her.

Ross: Really? That okay, that’s great.

Paul: Yeah. But then I changed my mind. I’m funny like that. So I told Lizzie, now I’m telling you, I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore.

Ross: All right look, I-I realize it upsets you.

Paul: Yes it does.

Ross: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I don’t think there’s really anything you can do about it.

Paul: I’ll call the university and tell them about your relationship and have you fired.

Ross: Ohh! A man with a plan!

Opening Credits

[Scene: A Dry Cleaners, Joey is there with Phoebe and is trying to get his picture put back amongst the other celebrities hanging on the walls.]

Phoebe: Oh, this is so exciting! You get your picture back up on the wall of fame! Eek!

Joey: I know. It was so cool when I was up there before. Me and Jim Belushi would just be crackin’ up about something… Then I get fired off of Days Of Our Lives and he takes me down. Now he’s just laughing at me. Look at him, that smug Belushi bastard, I’ll…

Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh, okay maybe they put your picture back up they can put you next to Matt Lauer. Look at him, smiling at me. (Giggles) Yeah I know; we’d be great together!

(The dry cleaner finishes with the customer in front of Joey and they approach the counter.)

Joey: Hey! So I’m back.

The Dry Cleaner: Who are you?

Joey: Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! (The dry cleaner doesn’t remember) Okay, maybe this will jog your memory, huh? (Holds his picture up in front of his face.) Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, I’m ready to go back up on the wall I’m the star of a new TV show.

The Dry Cleaner: (picking up a TV Guide) Show me in the table.

Joey: Oh well, it’s not on TV yet.

The Dry Cleaner: Well, then it’s not on the wall yet.

Joey: Okay, fine, I will bring you a tape, huh? (Walks away)

Phoebe: So umm, now do you have any of Matt Lauer’s clothes here? Maybe? Just ones that haven’t been cleaned yet?

(The dry cleaner just stares at her and she retreats.)

[Scene: The Morgan Chase Museum, the girls are entering.]

Monica: Oh, I love museums!

Rachel: Umm.

Monica: Soakin’ up all the culture.

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Where do you want to start?

Rachel: Ooh, the gift shop!

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: Hey, and then lunch.

Rachel: Oh, wait yes, but I can’t eat too much. Paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned.

Phoebe: Oh wow. What, do you think maybe he’s gonna tell you that he’s gay?

Rachel: What?! No! Why?!

Phoebe: No reason! That would just be a really big surprise, right?

(A museum official enters with another man and woman.)

The Museum Official: (to the couple) You can put the aisle over here (points), and put the wedding ceremony right over here. (Points.)

Rachel: I didn’t know you could get married here.

Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I wouldn’t put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there! (Points to both places.) I mean you’d have the ceremony under this big beautiful arch. (The arch at the entrance to the room.)

The Museum Official: (To Monica) May I help you?

Rachel: Oh sorry didn’t mean to interrupt. It’s just such a beautiful space; do you do a lot of weddings here?

The Museum Official: Yes. We’re very popular. There’s a two-year waiting list. Sorry! (She kinda storms out with the couple.)

Rachel: Monica, you should totally put your name down on the list

Monica: What?! Are you crazy?! I’m not getting married! I’m not even engaged.

Phoebe: Yeah, but there’s a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. That’s four years. Chandler’s not gonna wait that long. He’s gonna find somebody else, y’know? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)

Rachel: Yeah hon, it can’t hurt to put your name down! I mean in if two years if you’re not engaged you just don’t use it.

Monica: Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in putting my name down.

Rachel: I’m gonna do it too!

Phoebe: Me too!

Rachel: Really? Who would, who would you marry?

Phoebe: I don’t know, I don’t have anyone right now. Y’know?

Rachel: Oh Pheebs.

Phoebe: Don’t feel too sorry for me. At least my boyfriend isn’t gay.

Monica: Phoebe, that stuff is…

Phoebe: Don’t even get me started on yours!

[Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey is trying to get his picture up again.]

Joey: (entering) Hey! So, did you watch the tape of my show?

The Dry Cleaner: I did.

Joey: All right, let’s get me back up there! (Holds out his picture.)

The Dry Cleaner: No! It don’t go up on the wall!

Joey: What—But you saw the show!

The Dry Cleaner: Yes, it was very offensive to my people!

Joey: Dry cleaners?

The Dry Cleaner: Russians! It showed them as terrorists and villains!

Joey: Okay! Okay, look! You-you-you got Harrison Ford up there!

The Dry Cleaner: That’s right. Mr. Ford is a very good customer, he brings us a lot of clothes; you bring us nothing!

Joey: Okay well that may be true. But, in-in okay, Air Force One the Russians were terrorists! And evil! And plus he kills a bunch of them! That-that-that’s offensive to Russians.

The Dry Cleaner: I’ve never seen it!

Joey: Oh you should, it’s great.

(The Dry Cleaner stares at him and Joey retreats.)

[Scene: A Cabin in the Woods, Elizabeth is giving Ross a tour.]

Ross: This place is really beautiful!

Elizabeth: Yeah, I’ve been coming here since I was a kid. This used to be my Grandma’s.

Ross: Wow! The only thing I got from my Grandmother was her eyes. I mean not-not her actual eyeballs, but, but people say that my eyes—Do-do you want to make out?

Elizabeth: Sure!

(They fall to the couch and start to make out, but Ross stops suddenly.)

Elizabeth: Are you okay? What’s wrong?

Ross: Ehh, I was just, I was just thinking about your father.

Elizabeth: Well, whatever works for ya…

Ross: No. No-no uh, he just, he just really freaked me out before.

Elizabeth: Oh. Well, so we have to hide our relationship from one more person. Big deal. Besides, it’s kinda fun hiding.

Ross: Yeah.

(They start making out again.)

Elizabeth: (quietly) Hey umm, you brought protection right?

Ross: (loudly) Why?! Are there like bears or something?! (Looks around and then sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no and realizes what Elizabeth meant.) Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.

Elizabeth: I’ll just run to the store and get some.

Ross: Oh no! Hey-hey, I’m the guy! I’ll get it.

Elizabeth: Do you know where the store is?

Ross: No.

Elizabeth: Do you want to ride around town on my little pink bicycle?

Ross: A little bit.

Elizabeth: (laughs) I’ll be back in ten minutes.

Ross: Okay.

Elizabeth: Why don’t you get in the hot tub and I’ll meet you there.

Ross: Ohh, okay.

(Elizabeth leaves and Ross starts to remove his clothing right there in the middle of the living room where someone can see him. Of course, someone almost does, but he hears a door opening and…)

Rachel: (from another room) Oh my God, what a great surprise! This is such a beautiful house.

(Ross with his pants around his ankles tries to run, but Dr. Geller forgets that he has his pants around his ankles and falls down trying to flee.)

Paul: (To Rachel) Thank you, it’s my mom’s. So this is the kitchen.

(Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide, but this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of clichéd scriptwriters runs around with his pants down around his ankles like one of the Three Stooges.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is reading the newspaper as the phone rings. He let’s the machine answer it.]

Chandler: (on machine) You’ve reached Monica and Chandler’s, if you’re listening to this message, we’re probably screening. (to himself) Yeah we are.

The Museum Official: (on phone) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I’m calling for Monica Geller. I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she’s still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available… (Chandler runs to answer the phone.)

Chandler: (on phone) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (Listens) Yes, the groom—No! Not the groom!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Paul’s Cabin, Paul and Rachel are sitting on the couch drinking wine and talking.]

Rachel: It’s so secluded up here.

Paul: I know. I like it up here.

Rachel: I feel like we’re the only two people in the world. (She sets down her wine class, picks up a walnut, and knocks another one on the floor.) Oops. Sorry. (She reaches down to pick it up and Ross hands it to her. Ross is hiding under the couch and causes Rachel to scream.)

Paul: What’s the matter honey? Did you see a little mouse?

Rachel: No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I think I-I—would you—actually, would you go check on that?

Paul: Honey, we don’t have any bears here.

Rachel: Well, okay. Would-would you get me a Diet Coke?

Paul: Okay. I’ll be right back. (Gets up and heads for the kitchen.)

Rachel: Okay. (After Paul leaves Rachel drops to the floor to confront Ross.) What?! What are you doing here?!

Ross: What are you doing here?!

Rachel: I came with Paul!

Ross: Yeah, I recognize the ankles!

Rachel: Get up!

Paul: (entering) Here you go honey! (Rachel kicks Ross back under the couch.)

Rachel: Ahh. Thank you!

Paul: Diet Coke. (Hands her the glass.)

Rachel: Op, ice. I need ice.

Paul: Okay.

Rachel: Thank you.

Paul: I’ll be right back. (He goes to get the ice.)

Ross: (under the couch) You and your ice.

Rachel: Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on! (Ross gets up and heads for the kitchen.) No! Not in there! He’s in there! (She points Ross to the door next to the kitchen.)

Ross: (before entering) Did you really hear a bear?

Rachel: Go-go!

Paul: (entering) Here you go honey. One Diet Coke with ice.

Rachel: Ohh, thank you.

Paul: I’m so happy that you’re here.

Elizabeth: (entering) Here I am!

Paul: (jumping up) Elizabeth! Oh look, Elizabeth’s here! Who are you talking to?

Elizabeth: Uh, you guys?

Paul: How did you know we were here?

Elizabeth: Umm…

Rachel: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to the closed garage.

Elizabeth: Obviously.

Paul: Elizabeth, what are you doing here?! (Motions that he brought Rachel here to be alone with her.)

Rachel: Did-did you come up here to work on that term paper or something?

Elizabeth: Yeah! Yep.

Rachel: Well, why do y’know go in that room (points to the room Ross is in) and do your homework?

Elizabeth: Ohh, I wouldn’t do it in there. That’s my dad’s bedroom.

Rachel: That’s your, that’s your dad’s bedroom. (Yelling) That’s your dad’s bedroom!

Paul: Why are you yelling?

Rachel: Whoa, that Diet Coke just went straight to my head! Woo!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table staring at the phone as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hi, honey.

Chandler: (gets up) See you later. (Starts to leave.)

Monica: What? I-I bought groceries, I was gonna make you dinner!

Chandler: (angrily) Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask! (He storms out.)

(Monica puts the groceries down and goes to check the answering machine and hears.)

The Museum Official: (on machine) Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I’m calling for Monica Geller.

Monica: Oh no!

The Museum Official: (on machine) I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she’s still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available…

Monica: Oh please, he didn’t hear it! He didn’t hear it!!

Chandler: (on machine) This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! (The machine beeps off.)

Monica: NOOOO!!!!!!!!

[Scene: The Dry Cleaner’s, Joey has brought in a bunch of laundry in another attempt to get his picture on the wall, but the dry cleaner isn’t working right now. Instead, a beautiful woman is working.]

Female Clerk: Can I help you?

Joey: Uh yeah, where-where’s the guy who decides who’s pictures go up on the wall?

Female Clerk: He’s not here right now.

Joey: Oh, you’re kidding me! All-all right, well make sure you tell him that Joey Tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay? I’m an actor; I’m kinda getting my picture up there on the wall.

Female Clerk: Y’know, there are two people who could put your picture up there. (She makes eyes at him.)

Joey: Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks? (Pause) You’re the other one right? (She thinks about it for a second and nods yes.)

[Scene: Paul’s Cabin, continued from earlier.]

Paul: So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on staying the night?

Elizabeth: Oh no-no believe me, I’m leaving as soon as possible!

Paul: Good. Good. Not that we don’t want you to stay, obviously you’re welcome—How much more homework do you have?

Elizabeth: Ahh, I just have one problem left that I do not know how to solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe you want to come upstairs and help me figure it out?

Rachel: Really? Okay. Okay, I-I’ll go upstairs. (to Paul) If-if you get me something from the car.

Paul: What do you need from the car?

Rachel: Surprise me.

Paul: (whispering) Okay. (Starts for the car.)

Rachel: (yelling) So you’re gonna be in the car, I will be upstairs, and that’s where everybody’s gonna be!

(Rachel and Elizabeth go upstairs. Paul starts for the car, but notices his luggage is still out and decides to take in into the bedroom.)

[Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door as Paul opens the door, trapping Ross behind it. With Paul’s back turned Ross coils up like a snake and slitters underneath the bed.]

Paul: (standing in front of a mirror and to himself) Just relax. Just relax Paul, you’re doing great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he can watch Paul.) She likes you. She… Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Y’know why? Because you’re a (pause) neat guy. (Ross can’t believe what he’s hearing.) You are the man. You are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and looks at his chest.) I still got it. Nice and sexy. You’re just a love machine. (Starts singing) I’m just a love machine and I won’t work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y! (Flexes and grunts loudly.) Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) I’m just a love machine, yeah ba-by! (Grunts again and Ross is stunned.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica rushes in.]

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: Have you seen Chandler?!

Phoebe: No! Why?

Monica: The woman from the museum called and said that there was a cancellation and that we could move up our wedding and Chandler heard! (Phoebe gasps.) I know! How bad is this?!

Phoebe: Well for the regular guy, it’s bad, but Chandler, Oh dear God!

Monica: I know! I know! And he totally freaked out and I can’t find him anywhere!

Phoebe: What are you gonna do?

Monica: Well, I’m never gonna listen to you again, that’s for sure! (Mimicking her.) “Y’know, harm can it do if you go and put your name down?”

Phoebe: Rachel said that!

Monica: Well Rachel’s not here! (Runs out.)

[Scene: The Dry Cleaner’s, Joey and Phoebe are entering to see if his picture is on the wall.]

Phoebe: Oh! Here it is! (Noticing it next to the door.) Ooh, Joey! Why did you sign it, “Son of a bitch?” (Son of a bitch is written across the entire picture.)

Joey: I didn’t do that! Who would’ve done that?!

The Dry Cleaner: (entering) Son of a bitch!

Phoebe: Okay, maybe ask this guy.

The Dry Cleaner: You, get out of my shop!

Phoebe: Well, what did he do?

The Dry Cleaner: He went out with my wife!

Phoebe: Joey!

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-I—Hey! I did not go out with your wife! (The same woman from before enters.) Okay? I went out with her! (Points at her.)

The Dry Cleaner: That’s my wife!!! Get out! (Starts yelling at him in Russian, and I’m betting he’s not saying pleasant things about him.)

Phoebe: Well, we should go.

Joey: Yeah.

[Scene: Paul’s Bedroom, Elizabeth is entering.]

Elizabeth: Ross? Ross?

Ross: Elizabeth! (He opens one of the bed stands that he has curled himself up into.) Okay. Okay. (She helps him out.) I’m gonna go out this window. (Points to the window next to him.) I’ll meet you at the front door. Just tell them you’re going home, okay?

Elizabeth: Okay!

Rachel: (yelling from the living room) Oh wait-wait-wait!! No! Don’t go in there! Don’t go in there! I need another soda!

(Ross frantically starts to open the window as Paul enters and traps him halfway out the window.)

Paul: Ross!

Rachel: Oh my God Ross! What in heaven’s name are you doing here?

Ross: (to Elizabeth) And that is why we cannot see each other anymore.

Paul: Ross. You and I are going to have to have a little talk.

Elizabeth: Daddy!

Paul: You’re next!!

Elizabeth: Okay. I didn’t know he was here. (Runs over to Rachel.)

Paul: Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away from my daughter or I’ll have you fired. What you heard was, “Take my daughter, come up to my country house, and ruin my weekend with Rachel!”

Ross: Okay, please-please Paul, just let me explain…

Paul: No, let me explain! Fired!!

Ross: All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But uh, I want you to know that you and I are not all that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy. (Paul just looks at him.)

Paul: (panicked) What?

Ross: And I too am just a love machine. (Hums a little bit and mimics Paul’s flexing.)

Paul: Ross, let me show you where the guest room is.

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Monica is pacing, waiting for Chandler to return. Chandler enters.]

Monica: (going over to him) I’m so sorry. Please, stop freaking out.

Chandler: I’m not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday. (Does one of those Chandler noises.)

Monica: Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean, what’s the harm in that?

Chandler: Right here! (Clucks like a chicken for some reason.)

Monica: Chandler, please don’t think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel…

Chandler: Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way!

Monica: It was a mistake. Please don’t take this to mean anything, because it doesn’t.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yes, if it really doesn’t mean anything, because you know that I’m just not ready…

Monica: I know! I know.

Chandler: Okay. (They hug.)

Monica: I’m gonna go tell Joey that (laughs) that you’re back. I was really worried about you. (Exits.)

Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey, did she buy it?

Chandler: Totally.

Phoebe: So did Heldi show you the place?

Chandler: Yeah, it’s beautiful.

Phoebe: I can’t believe you’re gonna ask Monica to marry you!

Chandler: I know.

(They hug.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is going up to the counter.]

Joey: Hey Gunther.

Gunther: Hey! Take these cappuccinos to table 11 and that guy over there (points) wants the biscotti.

Joey: Oh uh, well I just came in for a cup of coffee to go.

Gunther: Do you still work here?

Joey: No! No, I quit a long time ago. (Pause) Did I forget to you that one? I’m sorry.

Gunther: Oh that’s cool, I was gonna fire you anyway.

Joey: Great! (Takes his coffee and leaves.)

End

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Teleplay by: Scott Siveri
Story by: David J. Lagana
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica are there. Rachel is reading everyone’s horoscope.]

Rachel: Okay, Chandler!

Chandler: Okay.

Rachel: And your horoscope says, “On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift.”

Chandler: (To Monica) Oh, well thank you in advance. (Kisses her.)

Rachel: Op, but the twelfth brings a lover’s spat.

Monica: (To Chandler) You are going to make a joke about my special present! Why would you do that?!

Rachel: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself.

(Phoebe winks and licks her lips while eyeing Chandler.)

Joey: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!!

Rachel: (ecstatic) Oh my God! It’s Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!!

(Everyone claps and cheers, Joey mimics looking about with a gun.)

Chandler: Oh that’s right. It’s your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?

Joey: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I’ve dreamed about this for years! Why have I not been preparing?!

Phoebe: No! Joey, you’re going to be great!

Joey: But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I don’t know anything about technology! I can’t even use Chandler’s computer except to find porn! And-and that’s only ‘cause it’s right there when you turn it on!

Monica: I think our lover’s spat will start a little early this month.

Phoebe: (in a sexy voice to Chandler) I’ll be waiting.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse. Phoebe is now looking at the covers of two different books.]

Chandler: Are you judging them by their covers? Because you’re really not supposed to do that.

Phoebe: No, I’m just deciding which one to use—I’m gonna start writing another book!

Rachel: Be-because the last one was such a big seller?

Phoebe: Well, if you must know I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one who has read them, I can tell you that they all have been very well received.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Ross: What are you guys doing later?

Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.

Rachel: (To Phoebe) We do?

Phoebe: I want to see what he wants first.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: (continuing) I just found out that Elizabeth’s dad wants to meet me.

Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not Elizabeth’s dad?!

Ross: Come on guys, I-I really want this guy to like me. It-it would really help me out if you guys were here to make me look good.

All: Of course we’ll help! Yeah! We’ll be here!

Ross: Thanks!

Monica: We know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be.

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, it’s the set of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. The producer is showing Joey around the set.]

The Producer: (walking into Mac’s office) So uh, here’s your office set!

Joey: Wow! Huh? (Picks up the phone) Mac Macaveli, Private Investigator!

The Producer: (checking his watch) Let’s get you into wardrobe for a fitting.

Joey: Okay. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot?

The Producer: I’m sorry, why don’t we do that right now? He’s right here. (Points to a guy.)

Joey: Okay.

The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this is…

Joey: Oh wow! He’s so lifelike! (Starts touching the guy’s cheeks) Unbelievable! (He starts tugging on the guy’s ears.

The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.

Joey: (slaps Wayne on his cheek) How do you do there, Wayne? (Backs away.)

The Producer: I’ll let you two guys get acquainted, huh? (Walks away.)

Joey: Okay. Sorry about that…(Mimics that cheek thing he just did.) Uh, so where’s C.H.E.E.S.E.?

Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here. (He puts on his headset, picks up the controller, and wheels C.H.E.E.S.E. in. C.H.E.E.S.E. is just a plain old robot on tracks; he kinda looks like No. 5 in the movie Short Circuit.)

C.H.E.E.S.E.: (Wayne with a computerized voice) Nice to meet you Mac!

Joey: (laughs) This is like the temporary robot, right?

Wayne: No. Why?

Joey: Well, I-I just, I just it was going to be like a really cool robot, y’know? Like the terminator or uh, when I first saw you.

Wayne: I spent two years developing this machine, it’s absolutely state of the art.

Joey: I’m sorry, it just—I don’t know it doesn’t really look like it can do anything.

Wayne: It can do this. (He moves C.H.E.E.S.E.’s arm close to Joey’s special area and he jumps back.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, Die Hard, and Armageddon.]

Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller.

Ross: It-it’s great to meet you Paul.

Paul: I usually prefer Elizabeth’s boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens.

Ross: Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens.

Paul: So Ross, what your problem?

Ross: Eh-wh—Excuse me?

Paul: Why can’t you get a girlfriend your own age?

Ross: That’s funny. Umm…. (Pause, then serious) It’s not funny.

Paul: I don’t like you going out with my daughter Ross.

Ross: Okay. I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think if you give me umm, one chance I can, I can change your mind.

Paul: Okay.

Ross: What?

Paul: Okay. I’ll give you one chance to change my mind. (Ross laughs in relief) You got one minute. (Ross suddenly gets worried.)

Elizabeth: Daddy!

Paul: Fine! Two minutes. Go.

Ross: This is—you—(Ross starts laughing.)

Paul: (laughs then checking his watch) 1 minute 50 seconds.

Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean I’ve been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a student—I mean I not—not it! I mean, I mean I don’t—We haven’t done it. Uh, I mean, I mean, we’ve-we’ve-we’ve done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a joke, a joke—lighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.

Paul: I’m Irish.

Ross: And the Irish guy wins the joke!

(Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe enter.)

Monica: Ross!!

Chandler: Ross!

Monica: How crazy that we’d run into you!

Ross: Oh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens I’d like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.

Phoebe: You’re Elizabeth’s father, huh? I can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness.

Monica: (obviously attracted to him) Is-is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens?

Chandler: There’s a Mr. Bing!

Paul: No, unfortunately Lizzie’s mom passed away shortly after she was born. I raised her by myself.

Phoebe and Monica: (sympathetic) Ohh!

Paul: I get that a lot.

Ross: Okay umm, why don’t we all take a seat, y’know? And uh, and I’ll get us all some uh some coffees—(He goes to pull out Elizabeth’s chair, but Paul steps in)—Yeah, why don’t you. (Paul pulls out her chair) Uh and you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. Y’know? Whatever pops into your head. (He turns his back to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. Then he goes to order the coffee.)

Monica: Y’know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, ‘cause usually he’s got the children’s hospital.

Phoebe: Yeah. Not looking for dates. (Monica turns in horror.)

Elizabeth: So uh, Monica is Ross’s sister.

Monica: And he’s a great brother!

Paul: I had a sister.

Monica: Ohh!

Paul: She passed away.

Monica and Phoebe: (sympathetic) Ohh!

Paul: Oh, you don’t have to do that every time.

Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story… (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isn’t happy.) You’re roommate in college died didn’t he?

Paul: A part of him did yes.

Ross: (returning with the coffee) Okay here we are Paul, Elizabeth. (He sets down their cups.) So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about.

Chandler: Yes, we were just…

(Rachel runs in.)

Rachel: Hi, I’m sorry I’m late but I am ready, ready to talk you up! When does Liz’s father get here?

Paul: I’m already here.

Rachel: Oh! Ross is sooo great!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a package of toilet paper.]

Chandler: Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby.

Monica: No, you said the baby creeps you out.

Chandler: No, the little girl creeps me out.

Monica: You said the baby.

Chandler: Why would the baby creep me out?

Monica: Why would the little girl creep you out?

Phoebe: (writing frantically) You guys, I’m sorry, could you please talk a little slower?

Chandler: This is going in your book?

Phoebe: Yeah, it’s about relationships. Y’know? The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great!

Monica: What?! Excuse me!

Phoebe: And how none of it matters when the people really love each other. (Chandler and Monica kiss.) And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as it’s a compliment.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there alone as Paul enters.]

Rachel: (seeing him) Oh hi!

Paul: Hi! Hi. (He’s looking around.) I think I left my keys here somewhere.

Rachel: Oh! Well let’s look for them. (Finds some under one of the couch cushions. It has a pink, fuzzy ball on the key chain.) Oh-oh-hey! Are these them?

Paul: No.

Rachel: All right! (Throws them back under the cushion.)

Paul: Oh, here they are right here. (Picks them up from underneath the corner of the couch.)

Rachel: Oh good.

Paul: Thanks for your help. (Starts to leave.)

Rachel: (chasing after him) Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul?

Paul: Just call me Paul.

Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy.

Paul: Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of killing him. (Rachel laughs then starts looking at him.) Are you okay?

Rachel: You just don’t look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter.

Paul: Well, we were very young when we had her.

Rachel: Oh. We?

Paul: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to… (He taps his index fingers together.)

Rachel: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I just—I meant y’know are you still a ‘We’ or are you just ‘You?’

Paul: I’m just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born.

Rachel: (sympathetic) Ohh. So you raised her all on your own?

Paul: Yes I did.

Rachel: Ohh. (She touches his arm for support and likes what she feels) Ooh!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Phoebe is still writing in her book, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: How was your first day?

Joey: Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot.

Chandler: Damn those robots, they’re supposed to be our faithful servants!

Joey: Anyway, it wasn’t the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah, he doesn’t like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich right when I was reaching for one! Ohh!

Phoebe: Well, why don’t you just get him fired?

Joey: I may have to, I hate to do it, but I’m the star! Y’know? There’s a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. (His cell phone rings) Excuse me. (Answers it, on phone) Joey Tribbiani.

Estelle: (on the other end) Joe! I’m glad I found ya, I got an audition for ya!

Joey: Wow!

Estelle: The thing is it’s kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part doesn’t know he might be fired. It’s the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.

Joey: I’m the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!

Estelle: Uh-oh!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul and Rachel making out on the couch.]

Ross: Joey?!

Paul: Hi Ross.

Rachel: I was just getting him to like you.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, scene is continued from earlier.]

Ross: Joey?! Joey!! (He runs into his bedroom.)

Rachel: Ross, Joey is not here.

Ross: Okay, I’ll just wait for him in here!

Rachel: Ross, it’s okay. You can come out.

Paul: Yeah Ross it’s okay, it’s me, Mr. Stevens.

Ross: (coming out of the bedroom) Oh! Oh my God! I didn’t even see you!

Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, “Joey! Joey!” Bye Rach. (Kisses her.)

Rachel: Bye!

Paul: I’ll call you later. Bye Ross. (Leaves)

Ross: What-what-what the—how da-how did-what the-how did-what?!

Rachel: Well, y’know he lost his keys so he was looking for them…

Ross: (incredulous) In your mouth?!

Rachel: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking y’know, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.

Ross: You were at the coffeehouse!

Rachel: Ross, what’s the big deal? So I kissed the guy!

Ross: He is my girlfriend’s father, okay? It’s-it’s, it’s weird!

Rachel: Wh—You dated my sister!

Ross: That was different!

Rachel: What? Why?!

Ross: This is weird for me!

Rachel: Ross look, look this is good for you. Okay? Let’s face it, so far the guy’s not lovin’ ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We can all go out to dinner, y’know? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer!

Ross: How is that important?

Rachel: Oh it’s important!

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Joey is telling everyone about his impending termination at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]

Joey: Apparently, there’s like a million guys out there that can play Mac, and there’s only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didn’t know he could get me fired! What am I going to do?

Monica: Well y’know Joey, you’re a pretty charming guy.

Joey: Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here.

Monica: No sweetie, you’ve got to win over the guy that controls C.H.E.E.S.E.! You’ve got to kiss some serious robot ass!

Joey: That’s not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I got to turn on the charm tomorrow I’m not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. (Starts to leave, but stops and turns to Phoebe.) Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs. (Exits.)

Chandler: So do you think uh, Joey’s more charming than me?

Monica: Yeah! That’s why I’m sleeping with him on the side.

Chandler: Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.)

Phoebe: (writing in her book) “You wish.”

Monica: Phoebe, stop writing about us!

Phoebe: I’m not writing about you! I’m writing about other people.

Chandler: Who?

Phoebe: Marcia and Chester.

Monica: Okay fine! Fine! Then you know what, I’ll just write about Phyllis! Hmm!

Chandler: Hmm.

Monica: (writing on a piece of paper) Phyllis is sitting in a chair.

Chandler: Oh.

Phoebe: I see what you’re doing!

Monica: (still writing) Phyllis sees what I’m doing.

Chandler: Oh-oh.

Phoebe: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is walking up to C.H.E.E.S.E. and Wayne.]

Joey: Morning! Hey, how’s my favorite genius and my little robot buddy?! (Pats C.H.E.E.S.E. on the head.)

Wayne: Don’t touch him!

Joey: Okay! (He yanks his hand away.) All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level with me. Okay? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.’s arm and pulls it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah!! (Wayne is shocked.) Okay, that’s why you didn’t want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? (Hands Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it. Meanwhile Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I can’t believe it! God! (A very beautiful woman walks by.) (To her) Hey, how you doin’? (He and her go over to talk and Wayne looks on with envy.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross and Rachel are on their double date. Rachel is busy talking Ross up.]

Rachel: So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly, offered to take me.

Elizabeth: What a nice story!

Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom.

Rachel: Wow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

Ross: Yeah, take your time.

(Rachel heads for the bathroom.)

Ross: (to Paul) Just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So it wasn’t as bad as-as…

Paul: Ross, look, I know I’ve been giving you a lot of jabs and it’s partly because I’m very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, (pause) many stories that Rachel has told me that, well (pause) you’re not (pause) all bad.

Ross: Not all bad.

Paul: And anyhow, I’m sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand that I (pause) still look at Lizzie like she’s a twelve-year-old girl.

Ross: Yeah. You know what? I know what you mean; I do that too.

Paul: I beg your pardon?

Ross: No! No! Not—I don’t mean I-I see her as a twelve-year-old girl! I mean I-I have a son, who’s umm six and I still think of him as a baby.

Paul: You have a son?

Ross: Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as I’m sure you are with your wife! (Realizes) Oh, I’m sorry! (To Elizabeth) It’s unbelievable!

Paul: Don’t worry about it, I just didn’t realize you were married. (Rachel returns and hears that.)

Rachel: Oh we were, but that was just a (pause as the audience reacts), I mean that was just a big drunken mistake.

Ross: You’re back.

Paul: You two were married?!

Rachel: Oh! Whoops! I’m sorry, you were talking about Emily!

(Ross slams his head down on the table.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Monica and Chandler are entering and they’re arguing.]

Monica: Chandler, we said we would meet at the coffeehouse at six.

Chandler: We said seven!

Monica: We said six!

Chandler: The only way that I said six would be if the seven’s, let meet at seven, not at six.

Monica: Yeah and if I had seven, maybe I would’ve said something like this, “Wow! My boyfriend’s such a wise ass—seven!”

Phoebe: (Turning around in the chair) Hi!

Chandler: Oh my good God.

Monica: Ugh!

Phoebe: I know what time you said.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: Well actually, I know what time Chester and Marcia said.

Monica: What time?

Phoebe: Quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it’s my book to the rescue, huh? (Reading her book) Ooh, very interesting. Yeah, well this certainly clears things up.

Chandler: (disgusted) What does it say?!

Phoebe: I will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.

Chandler: Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything.

Phoebe: Thanks! So are you.

Chandler: (To Monica) I told you I should not wear this color. (He’s wearing a reddish-orange sweater.)

Phoebe: (reading from her book) Mon… (Pause as she restarts) Marcia and Chester are planning on seeing a movie on Sunday night. Marcia thinks they’re supposed to meet at six, Chester thinks it’s at seven.

Chandler: So you knew we were gonna miss the movie!

Phoebe: That’s right.

Monica: Inside of telling us you decided to write in your stupid book!

Phoebe: (writing in her book) Marcia and Chester are mad at Phyllis.

[Scene: Joey’s Dressing Room, Joey and Chandler are there.]

Joey: I can’t believe I’m going to lose this job!

Chandler: Oh I’m so sorry man! Is there anything I can do?

Joey: Yeah! Help me get this mini-fridge past the security guard.

(There’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Wayne.)

Wayne: Hey Joey, I want to talk to you.

Joey: Yeah? Well, I don’t want to talk to you Wayne! I hate you! You ruined my life! Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler. (They shake hands.)

Chandler: Hi, how are ya?

Wayne: Joey, Joey, I-I-I’ll g-get you your job back if you help me out.

Joey: (incredulous) Why should I help you?!

Chandler: (whispering in Joey’s ear) The reason he just said.

Joey: (happily) What do you need?

Wayne: I-I-I saw you on stage talking to that beautiful woman, y’know Sarah?

Joey: Yeah?

Wayne: I wish I could talk to her.

Joey: What are you in love with her or something?

Wayne: Yeah. Her. All of them. Anyone.

Chandler: Yeah, I’ve been there my friend.

Wayne: Listen, I-I guarantee you keep your job if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do.

Joey: Oh wow Wayne, it’s not really something you can teach y’know? It’s pretty much something you’re born with if you—(Off Chandler’s look)—You-you can teach it! I’ll show you right how to do it.

[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel is still trying to talk up Ross, not to much success.]

Rachel: I mean if you think about it, I mean Ross did learn something from each marriage.

Paul: How to make the next one even shorter?

Rachel: Now wait a minute that’s not fair. He was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he was married to Emily, he just didn’t tell me. (Everyone looks at her, Ross not happily.) Maybe I have to pee again. (Gets up to try to use the bathroom.)

Paul: Well, this is fun. So Ross, did you kill any of these wives?

Ross: Y’know what? I-I-I… I-I have had enough of this! Y’know, I-I-I care a great deal about your daughter and I have treated her with nothing but respect! So if-if you’ve got a problem with me, frankly…

Paul: Are you yelling at me?!

Ross: God no!

Elizabeth: Y’know what daddy? If you don’t like Ross, that’s fine. It doesn’t matter to me, I’m gonna go out with him anyway.

Paul: Really?! (She nods in the affirmative.)

Ross: Well if it doesn’t matter to her, it doesn’t matter to me! (to Paul) Still not yelling!

Paul: Wow. What can I say? (Pause, pointing at Ross) This doesn’t make me like you any better!

Ross: That’s okay, I’m not so crazy about myself right now either.

Paul: Then we agree?

Ross: Uh yeah, I guess—Yeah! I guess so.

Paul: Neither of us like Ross!

Elizabeth: I like Ross.

Ross: Ohhh! Kids!

Rachel: (returning) Wait-wait-wait, I just thought of another story about how nice Ross is!

Ross: That’s okay Rach, we’re not liking Ross right now.

Rachel: Oh! I’ve got a lot of those too!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Mac’s Office, Mac is talking to C.H.E.E.S.E. about their case.]

Joey: Well, it turns out you were right C.H.E.E.S.E.

C.H.E.E.S.E.: The shipment never made it through Omaha?

Joey: You got it! And the rabbi’s beard, 100% horsehair. Nice catch C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Pauses as he waits for C.H.E.E.S.E.’s next line.) It’s your line C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Suddenly C.H.E.E.S.E. goes crazy and starts flinging it’s arms and advancing on Joey behind the desk.) Wayne! Wayne!!

(The camera cuts to Wayne who’s busy making out with Sarah and rubbing C.H.E.E.S.E.’s controller on her back causing C.H.E.E.S.E. to go crazy. Joey starts throwing books at C.H.E.E.S.E. to get him to stop.)

End

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Written by: Doty Abrams
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
With Scenes Taken From Episodes Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips, guineapig, Ruth Curran, Josh Hodge, and Me.


[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Phoebe is helping Joey rehearse for an audition. Phoebe is overacting her part.]

Joey: The reactor’s gonna blow in three seconds, we’re never gonna make it!

Phoebe: You’ve got to get out of here! Save yourself!

Joey: No! I won’t leave you!

Phoebe: Don’t worry about me, I’m a robot! I’m just a machine!!

Joey: No you’re not! Not to me!

Phoebe: (she stops reading from the script) Oh my God.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: I am extremely talented!

Joey: Yeah, you’re great! Okay, let’s take it from…

Phoebe: (interrupting) No, I mean I was really acting my ass off.

Joey: Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, you’re solid. Yeah, you’re just no me.

Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for now. Yeah. I don’t want to be over rehearsed.

Phoebe: (tremendously overacting) Fine! I’ll do it without you! (Joey gives her thumbs up) I don’t need you or anybody else! I’m gonna make it on my own! (Joey closes the door to his bedroom.) You’ll see!! You’ll all see!!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Joey is memorizing his lines. Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as well.]

Chandler: (To Joey) So uh, what’s this thing you’re auditioning for?

Joey: Oh, it’s a new TV show. Yeah. I’m up for the part of Mac Macaveli or “Mac.” Yeah, I’m a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He’s a, he’s a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or “C.H.E.E.S.E.”

Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.

Joey: That’s the title! Yeah! Y’know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese.

Chandler: That is lucky.

Rachel: Huh—Wait so Joey if you get this, you’re gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean you’ll be like the Big Cheese! (To Phoebe) Or the Big Mac—Hey! You love those!

Joey: Well, don’t get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen.

Chandler: Now-now, why would you say that Joseph?

Joey: I mean come on you guys! My own TV show? I just don’t know if I’m good enough.

Phoebe: I am.

Rachel: Joey, what are you talking about? You’re a terrific actor.

Joey: You really think so?

Rachel: Ugh, how can you even ask that question?!

[And with that we go into the save the budget portion of the show, which features flashbacks from previous episodes. The first set of auditions feature high lights or low lights of Joey’s acting career. The first flashback is from The One With The Lesbian Wedding.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyone is there to watch Joey’s first scene as Dr. Drake Remoray.]

Chandler:  Whoa, she’s pretty. (Mentioning the girl on TV)

Joey:  Yeah, and oh she’s really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.

Rachel:  I’m sorry, what?

Monica:  What?

Ross:  Excuse me?

Joey:  It’s like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you’re thinkin’ of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. (Does this intense look where it looks like he’s smelling a fart.)

Chandler:  Oh, ok.

Joey: (there’s a gunshot on TV) There’s my scene, there’s my scene. [Joey on tv] “Mrs. Wallace, I’m Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister’s neurosurgeon.  I’m afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a…” (Does the smell-the-fart look.)

[The next flashback is from The One With The Butt.  The gang is watching Joey in Freud!]

Joey: (on stage in an Austrian accent) Vell, Eva, ve’ve done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)

All you want is a dingle,
What you envy’s a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang…

[The next flashback is also from The One With The Butt and it’s also on the soundtrack.  He’s Joey telling everyone about his big break in Monica and Rachel’s apartment.]

Joey:  I play Al Pacino’s butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I’m his butt.

Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.

Joey:  C’mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino’s in it, and that’s big!

Chandler: Oh no, it’s terrific, it’s- it’s- y’know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you’ve finally been able to crack your way into show business.

Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don’t care! This is a big break for me!

Ross: You’re right, you’re right, it is.

Monica:  Yes.

Ross:  So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?

[Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]

Joey: All right well, I’m outta here. Wish me luck.

Phoebe: (overacting with a song this time) (singing) Gooood luck! Gooood luck! We all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!!

Joey: Yeah, whatever. (Exits.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are playing chess and are both studying the board intently.]

Ross: It’s your turn.

Chandler: Oh, are we playing this?!

Joey: (entering, dejectedly) Hey.

Chandler: Hey! How’d the audition go?

Joey: Terrible! I messed up every line! I shouldn’t even be an actor!

Ross: Wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn’t go well but it really did go well?

Joey: Yeah, did I fool ya?

Ross: Totally!

Chandler: So it did go well.

Joey: Oh, it went amazingly well!

Ross: Great!

Chandler: Oh that’s great!

Joey: Yeah-yeah, it’s down to me and two other guys.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Ross: Wow!

Joey: And I know both of them, they’re really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials who’s always getting chased by those big flowers…

Ross: Oh, I love that guy! (Laughs.)

Chandler: Oh-oh, what are you doing?

Ross: (stops laughing) What am I doing?

Joey: I’m just so nervous! Y’know? The callback isn’t until tomorrow at five. I feel like my head is going to explode!

Chandler: Well, it is overdue.

Ross: Look, don’t worry. Okay? You’re gonna be fine.

Joey: There’s just so much pressure. I mean no offense, but what you guys do is very different. I don’t know if you’d understand.

Ross: Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs.

[Thus starts another series of flashbacks all dealing with the pressure the rest of the Friends have to deal with in their jobs. The first flashback is from The One With The Stoned Guy.]

[Scene: Chandler’s office. He’s on the phone, agitated.]

Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I’m looking at the WENUS and I’m not happy!

[The next flashback is from The One With The Prom Video.  Monica is at a job interview at a new restaurant.]

Monica:  Alright, well I’m tearing the lettuce.

Interviewer:  Uh-huh. Is it dirty?

Monica:  Oh-oh, no no don’t worry, I’m gonna wash it.

Interviewer:  Don’t, I like it dirty.

Monica:  That’s your call.

Interviewer:  So, uh, what are you going to do next?

Monica:  Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.

Interviewer:  Are they, uh, firm?

Monica:  They’r alright.

Interviewer:  You sure they haven’t gone bad? You’re sure they’re not very, very bad?

Monica:  No really, they’re OK.

Interviewer:  You gonna slice them up real nice?

Monica:  Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.

Interviewer:  Aaaahhhhhhh.

Monica:  I’m outa here. [Monica leaves]

[The next flashback is from The One With Rachel’s Crush.]

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job.]

Rachel:  (on the phone) Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! (Pause) I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up.)

[The next flashback is from The One With The Dozen Lasagnas, Phoebe is telling everyone but Rachel about the pass Paulo made on her.]

Monica:  Well, what happened?

Phoebe:  Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until… (The flashback shows Paulo lying face down on the massage table and slowly moving his hands up Phoebe’s legs and grabbing her butt.)

All:  Ohhhhhh!

Ross:  Oh my God!

Phoebe:  And all of the sudden his hands weren’t the problem anymore. (The flashback shows Paulo rolling over and showing Phoebe his equipment.)

Monica:  Was it…

Phoebe:  Oh, Boy Scouts could’ve camped under it!

[The next flashback is from The One With Ross’s Sandwich, Ross his confronting his boss about him eating Ross’s sandwich.]

Ross: You ate my sandwich?

Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.

Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really?

Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash.

Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What?

Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away.

Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away!

[Cut to an outside shot of the museum.]

Ross:  (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!!

[Cut to a shot of a park.]

Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross’s scream scares a flight of pigeons away.)

[Cut back to Central Perk.]

Joey: I want this part so much! Y’know? If I don’t get this part I’m never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!—No, I didn’t say that! That’s a lie.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Chandler is there talking to the chick and duck.]

Chandler: Oh come on guys, it’s not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren’t for (struggles to get this out) Monica’s allergies. (The duck quacks.) You’re right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joey’s not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.)

Monica: (startled) Ahh! Aren’t you dressed yet?

Chandler: (looks down at his clothes) Am I naked again?!

Monica: We’re supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.

Chandler: Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they come visit?

Monica: Wh?! What about my allergies?!

Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball and Joey scores a goal.]

Joey: Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right! Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy would that be?

Chandler: As crazy as soccer?

(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)

Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you talking about? The audition’s not ‘til 5:00! (Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the unfinished message then tries to sneak over and finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody told me! (Listens) Who’d you talk to? (Listens and turns around to see Chandler trying to finish the message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.)

Chandler: You mean you didn’t get it from this?

Joey: The allergy guy got the part! Thanks!

Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it y’know? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!

Joey: How could you do this to me Chandler?! This part could’ve turned my whole career around!

Chandler: I messed up. Okay? I’m sorry, I really messed up.

Joey: Hey, you don’t even live here anymore! What are you doing answering my phone? I have my machine!

Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybody’s allowed one mistake, right?

[Joey just laughs as a third set of flashbacks featuring Chandler’s mistakes starts. The first flashback is from The One With The Prom Video.  It’s Chandler telling Phoebe how much he hates the bracelet Joey bought him.  They’re both at Central Perk.]

Chandler:  You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller!  The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!

Phoebe:  It’s not that bad.

Chandler:  Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don’t have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]

Phoebe:  Chandler, Chandler.

Chandler:  I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi!

[The next flashback is from The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line.  He’s telling Joey that he kissed Cathy.]

Chandler:  Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and…

Joey:  And what?! Did you sleep with her?!

Chandler:  No! No! No! I just kissed her.

Joey:  What?!! That’s even worse!!

Chandler:  How is that worse?!

Joey:  I don’t know! But it’s the same!

Chandler:  You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.

Joey:  Over the line?! You-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

[Cut back to Joey and Rachel’s apartment.]

Chandler: Look, I’m not saying that you should magically forgive me! But you’re not perfect! You’ve made some errors in judgment too!

Joey: Name one!

[Chandler proceeds to point out Joey’s errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is from The One With The Cat.   Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the entertainment center.]

Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!!

Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!!

Chandler:  What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!

Joey:  Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man!

Chandler:  So–You got in voluntarily?!

Joey:  I was tryin’ to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I’m gonna do?

Chandler:  BEND OVER?!!!

[The next flashback is from The One With The Candy Hearts.  Joey and Chandler are waiting at a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.]

Chandler: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.

Lorraine: Hi, Joey. (Sees Chandler.) Well well, look what you brought.

Chandler: …And what did you bring?

Lorraine: She’s checking the coats. Joey, I’m gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.

Chandler: Janice?

(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, ‘It can’t be the same Janice.’ Janice enters.)

Chandler: Janice?!

Janice: Oh…. my…. God.

[The next flashback is from The One With Ross’s New Girlfriend.  Chandler is telling Ross and Joey that Joey’s tailor took advantage of him.]

Chandler: Joey’s tailor…took advantage of me.

Ross: What?

Joey: No way!  I’ve been going to the guy for 12 years.

Chandler: Oh come on!  He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite…

Ross: What?

Chandler: Cupping.

Joey: That’s how they do pants!  Ross, will you tell him? Isn’t that how they measure pants?

Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!

[Cut back to the present.]

Joey: I said name one!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Monica and Rachel are consoling Chandler.]

Chandler: I can’t believe I did this! What an idiot!

Monica: Oh, stop beating yourself up! People make mistakes! These things happen! There aren’t any message you’ve forgotten to give me are there? (Chandler has a disgusted look on his face.) Apparently you’re not very good at it! I…

Chandler: Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?

Rachel: Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself!

Chandler: Y’know what? I-I kinda have.

Rachel: Already? That’s pretty bad what you did.

Monica: Y’know what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case… (Chandler gets that disgusted look back.) Okay…

Chandler: You didn’t see how mad he was, y’know?

Rachel: I’m sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there! Y’know, you fight, you make up, it’s just the way it works.

[We then go into another set of flashbacks of famous fights. The first is the second breakup of Ross and Rachel from The One With The Jellyfish.]

Ross: It took two people to break up this relationship!!

Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!

Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter!

Rachel: What?!!

Ross: I fell asleep!

Rachel: (mocking him) You fell asleep?!

Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’

Rachel: Y’know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!

Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!

Chandler: (coming out from behind the door) I KNEW IT!!!!

[The next flashback is from The One After The Superbowl, Part II.  Monica and Rachel are fighting over who gets to see Jean-Claude Van Damme.]

Monica: You had no right to go out with him.

Rachel: That is the most ridiculous…

Monica: You sold me out.

Rachel: I did not sell you out.

Monica: Yes you did.  You absolutely sold me…

Rachel: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]

Monica: Did you just flick me?

Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn’t let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]

(They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other.)

Phoebe: Oh!  All right.  Now, let’s not do this!

(Rachel tackles Monica onto the couch.)

Phoebe: Happy thoughts!  Happy thoughts!

(They wrestle on the couch for a little while until Monica gets the upper hand and pulls Rachel off of the couch by her sock.  Monica removes Rachel’s sock and starts beating her with it.)This leads to wrestling on the floor. This finally angers Phoebe.)

Phoebe: OK, now I’m gonna kick some ass.

(Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear.)

Monica and Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Phoebe: I know!  I know!  I know!

Phoebe: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.

Rachel: Fine!

Monica: Fine!

Phoebe: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

[The next flashback is from The One Where No One’s Ready.  Joey is retaliating against Chandler hiding his underwear by wearing a whole bunch of clothes.]

Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I’m wearing everything you own.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Joey: Look at me! I’m Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn’t going commando…

(Chandler does this throat sound.)

Joey: Yeah. Whew, it’s hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don’t know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)

[The next flashback is from The One Where Eddie Moves In.   It’s the sequence where Joey and Chandler are both saddened that they’re not living together anymore. All By Myself is playing in the background.]

[Joey’s place. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one’s there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to and throws the phone back down.]

[Chandler’s. He’s playing foosball by himself.]

[Joey’s. Playing ping pong by himself.]

[Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it’s raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it’s just his tabletop water sculpture.]

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Chandler is entering with a peace offering of a Joey Special, two pizzas.]

Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joey’s not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) He’s still got a chance for the part?! Oh, that’s great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, that’s great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what he’s writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Joey is entering to find Chandler waiting patiently for him.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Please tell me you got the message!

Joey: What message?

Chandler: The actor playing Mac couldn’t do it, they needed to see you at 2 o’clock.

Joey: What?! It’s 6 o’clock!

Chandler: Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over New York City looking for ya! I went to Ross’s! I went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches!

Joey: I can’t believe this Chandler!

Chandler: Sorry! I-I-I don’t know what to say.

Joey: Well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! I saw the board! I went to the audition! I got the part!!

Chandler: (angrily) Is that supposed to be funny! I was really worried over here!

Joey: Oh, well I’m uh…

Chandler: Y’know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!

Joey: Oh wow! Okay man, I’m sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad.

Chandler: Well that’s good. Because you didn’t! And I’m incredibly happy for ya!!

Joey: (shocked) That’s mean! You really had me going there!

Chandler: Oh, we could do this all day.

Joey: Yeah, you’re right. Okay look, listen, let’s talk about what a huge star I’m gonna be!

Chandler: You are gonna be a huge star! I’m gonna hug ya!

Joey: You hug me!

Chandler: All right!

[What follows is the final set of flashbacks that feature a whole lot of lovin’ between Chandler and Joey. There’s no words, just hugs and even the kiss from The One With The Monkey. All of this is set to the song, You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me!]

[Cut back to the present, they are still in each other’s embrace.]

Joey: Hey, do we do this too much?

Chandler: I think so. Yeah, get off me.

Joey: Yeah.

(They separate.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]

Joey: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E., I’m not leaving without you! Try routing your backup source through your primary CPU.

Phoebe: (overacting badly) I can’t! My circuits are fried! They’re fried I tell you!!

Joey: Wow! (Back to reading the scene.) Well then I’ll just have to carry you.

(Suddenly Ross jumps up from behind the counter armed with a plastic gun. By the way, he’s overacting too.)

Ross: That’ll be a neat trick, when you’re, (looks at the script) when you’re dead!

Joey: Ross, you don’t have to yell.

Ross: There was just an explosion, okay? My hearing would be impaired.

Phoebe: I thought you were excellent! In fact for a minute there I was like, “Ooh, where’d Ross go?”

Ross: Thank you! And I have to say that first scene when you meet Mac…

Phoebe: Yeah?

Ross: Oh my God. I mean…

Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for today. Thanks for your help! (He grabs their scripts and heads for his room.)

Phoebe: (To Ross) He’s holding us back.

Ross: Totally.

End

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Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein
Story by: Seth Kurland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Joey and now Rachel’s apartment, Joey has the fridge pulled out away from the wall and is in the process of pulling off the cooling grate behind it.]

Joey: Well that thing is clearing in the way! All right. Ah-ha! (He grabs a screwdriver and starts to attack the compressor, only he causes a small short circuit and shocks himself.) Ah-ah!! Damn fridge!

(Rachel enters from her new room.)

Rachel: Hi Joey, how ya doin’?

Joey: Great! Roomie!

Rachel: Huh, yeah I guess we are roommates now.

Joey: Yeah! Well, now that you brought it up, our fridge is broken. We have to get a new one. Now, I checked around and your half is $400. Thanks a lot.

Rachel: I’m not paying for half of that! I’m only staying here until my apartment gets fixed.

Joey: Look Rach, my parents bought this fridge just after I was born, okay? Now, I have never had a problem with it. Then you show up and it breaks! What does that tell ya’?

Rachel: That refrigerators don’t live as long as people.

Joey: All right, now you know that the ATM will only lets you take out 300 at a time, I’ll take a check for the other hundred.

Rachel: You’re jokin’ right?

Joey: Of course I’m jokin’! I don’t take checks.

Rachel: Thank God you’re pretty. (Exits.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

All: Hi! Hey!

Rachel: Do you guys know any cute guys?

Chandler: Well, of course I do! My good friend Joey over here. (Pats Joey’s arm, Joey pats Chandler’s shoulder, and Chandler motions for Joey to say the same about him.)

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. Thank you Chandler.

Rachel: Anyway, there’s this big charity ball this weekend and Ralph Lauren bought a table, so I kinda have to go…

Monica: What’s the charity?

Rachel: I don’t know, something either trees or disease—Ralph mumbles a lot.

Monica: Does Ralph mumble when you’re not paying attention?

Rachel: Yeah! It’s weird. But the thing is need to find a date.

Phoebe: Well, what kind of guy are you looking for?

Rachel: Well, someone that has his own tux, or has the ability to rent a tux.

Chandler: So he has to be a male who has at least $50.

Joey: Ooh! So close.

(Ross and Elizabeth enter.)

Ross: Hey everybody!

All: Hi!

Ross: Hey uh, this is Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Oh hi!

All: Hi!

Elizabeth: I’m the student.

Chandler: (laughs) Isn’t she cute? (On Monica’s death stare) No!

Phoebe: Y’know, this is probably none of my business, but weren’t you guys supposed to not be seen in public together?

Elizabeth: Oh, we’re not together.

Ross: Oh no-no-no, we’re just two people who happen to run into each other here at the coffee house. (He winks at her.)

Phoebe: Oh, sly.

Elizabeth: Well, I really wanted to meet you guys, but I have to run. I’ll see you later?

All: Okay!

Elizabeth: Bye Ross.

Ross: Bye.

(They kiss.)

Elizabeth: Oops! I did not mean to run into you like that sir.

Ross: Oh that is quite all right ma’am. (Elizabeth exits.)

Chandler: So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?

Ross: Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.

Chandler: Oh, tell her good luck with that.

Ross: Anyone else? Huh? Bring ‘em on!

Rachel: Oo! When’s her birthday?!

Ross: I don’t know Rachel, why?

Rachel: Well, y’know it’s just been so long since I’ve been to Chuckie Cheese.

Monica: Oh, I like Elizabeth.

Ross: Well thanks!

Monica: Yeah. In fact, I like her so much you tell her I want my cookies early this year! Y’know, a box of Thin Mints and some Tag-a-Longs.

Joey: Hey-hey come on you guys, give him a break. Ross, seriously, how’s it going with her?

Ross: Well, actually it’s been great. She’s 20 so she’s not looking for anything too serious, which is perfect for me right now.

Monica: Well that is great. And seriously, she seems very nice.

Ross: Thanks. I know you guys like to give me a hard time and all, but it really means a lot to me that you like her. Just knowing that you guys are…

Phoebe: (interrupting) Okay, I got a good one. Okay, umm, what is she? Like 12?

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Chandler is sitting at the table and Monica is doing something in the kitchen.]

Monica: Chandler, do you think we talk about our relationship enough?

Chandler: Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll-Ups?

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Okay, I just thought of the perfect guy for Rachel to take to her thing.

Chandler: Oh that’s so funny because we found someone too.

Phoebe: Oh that’s good, I guess she’ll have a choice between my guy and your weirdo.

Chandler: Why would our guy be a weirdo?

Phoebe: ‘Cause that’s just your taste.

Monica: (laughs sarcastically) Rachel is not going to pick your stupid guy.

Phoebe: Oh yeah?

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: My guy is a lawyer who has volunteer work. And, he has one of these (She squeezes the skin on her chin together to form…)

Chandler: A face ass?

Phoebe: A chin dimple!

Monica: Well, uh y’know, our guy works with Chandler and he’s really nice and smart and he’s a great dresser!

Phoebe: Have you seen your guy’s body?

Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head.

Phoebe: Well my guy is spectacular. Okay? He’s a massage client and one time umm, when he was on the table, I looked at it. And I mean all of it.

Monica: You’re not supposed to look!

Phoebe: Oh yeah, like there are police for that!

Chandler: (horrified) Wait! You look? You-you massaged me.

Phoebe: I know. (Laughs.)

Monica: All right fine, your guy may have a great body, but our guy is really funny.

Phoebe: Oh, Chandler funny?

Monica: Our guy’s a great dancer!

Phoebe: My guy is well read.

Chandler: Our guy has great hair.

Phoebe: My guy has great teeth!

Chandler: Our guy smells incredible.

Monica: (To Chandler) Do you want our guy to be your guy?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isn’t doing all that well.]

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Huh.

Chandler: Well, you…don’t look good Joe.

Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar?

Chandler: That’s still in there?!

Joey: Not anymore. So anyway, how do you want to pay me?

Chandler: Is this a service you’re providing me?

Joey: No! No! No! For my new fridge—our new fridge!

Chandler: Our new fridge? I don’t live here anymore.

Joey: So what? Look, suppose we were a divorced couple.

Chandler: Uh-huh.

Joey: And I got custody of the kid, right? Now suppose the kid dies and-and I gotta buy a new kid.

Chandler: (not quite sure where Joey’s going and is a little worried) Okay…

Joey: (pause) Give me $400!

[Scene: Ross’s office, he’s unlocking his office door as Elizabeth walks up.]

Elizabeth: Professor Geller?

Ross: Hmm? (Turns around and sees that its Elizabeth) Oh, a student I don’t know.

Elizabeth: I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment?

Ross: Yes, yes of course, what-what would this be regarding?

Elizabeth: Making out in your office.

Ross: Shh! (Laughs then composes himself) Of course, why don’t we go inside?

(They go inside and Ross closes the door. When he turns around Elizabeth walks up to him, pushes him back against the door, and starts kissing him.)

Ross: Oh-ooh!

Elizabeth: What?

Ross: Doorknob! Doorknob!

Elizabeth: Oh! Sorry! Umm, I actually do need to talk to you.

Ross: Oh, okay. What-what about?

Elizabeth: Spring vacation.

Ross: Spring vacation.

Elizabeth: Yeah, we have time off and a lot of people are going on trips…

(Another professor barges in.)

Professor Feesen: Professor Geller!

Ross: (quickly jumping away from Elizabeth) Yes, professor Feesen-sen-stenlger… I’ll be with you in one moment. (To Elizabeth) So, I will take one box of the Thin Mints. (And he ushers Elizabeth out of the office.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Ross, Chandler, and Joey are entering.]

Ross: You don’t understand! Elizabeth was about to ask me to go on a trip with her! Is that taking it slow?! No, I’m not ready for this! Okay? What-what do I tell her?

Chandler: Just tell her the truth! Tell her you’re not ready.

Ross: I can do that. Oh-oh, what if she gets upset?

Chandler: Then you distract her with a Barbie doll.

Joey: Or! You can just, y’know… (He walks up close to whisper in Ross’s ear and when he gets there he pushes Ross into the fridge.)

Ross: What the hell are you doing?

Joey: What? What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!

Ross: What?! What? How do you, how do you even know its broken?!

Joey: Oh-ho-ho, you think I don’t know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me! (He opens the door and feels inside.) Well what do you know! Broken! That’ll be $400!

Chandler: Joey, I saw you push him!

Joey: (pause) You pushed him!

Ross: Joey, I did not break this! Okay? (He opens the freezer and smells inside and recoils in disgust.) That has been broken for a while.

Joey: All right. Chandler, do you remember how I told you about our fridge?

Chandler: Uh-huh.

Joey: I still haven’t gotten a check for your half yet.

Ross: Do not give him any money!

Joey: I’m not talking to you! You broke my fridge!

[Scene: Ross’s office, he’s opening the door to Elizabeth.]

Elizabeth: You wanted to see me Professor Geller?

Ross: Yes. Yes! Please, come in.

(She does so, he closes the door, and she pushes him against the doorknob again.)

Ross: Oo-oo!

Elizabeth: Doorknob?

Ross: Yeah, it kinda grows on you. (They both laugh.) Actually, I wanted to finish talking to you about uh, spring vacation.

Elizabeth: Oh good.

Ross: Look, I… (He has trouble sitting in his chair.) Look, I’m having a great time with you and I just don’t want us to move to fast or put to much pressure on us. So, I’m sorry I just don’t think we should go away together yet. It’s-it’s too soon.

Elizabeth: Ross, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to Florida for a couple weeks.

Ross: No. I think you misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant was…

Elizabeth: You are so adorable.

Ross: That! Let’s talk about that.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey! How did it go with Elizabeth?

Ross: Huh? Oh-oh, it was fine. Uh, it was just a misunderstanding. She didn’t want me to go with her. She just wanted to let me know that she’s going to Florida for spring vacation.

Chandler: Wait a minute, is she going for spring vacation or is she going for spring break? (Does a little whooping/party noise.)

Ross: What’s-what’s the difference?

Monica: Well, spring vacation is doing nice things with your grandparents. Spring break you’re doing frat guys.

Ross: Hey, y’know what? Not all spring breaks are like that.

Phoebe: What did you do on yours?

Ross: I went to Egypt with my dad.

Chandler: I can see it now, “Look dad, it’s the Sphinx!” (Does that party noise again.)

Ross: Hey, I think Elizabeth is a little more serious than, “Spring break!” (Imitates the party noise.) All right? I mean she’s taken my class!

Monica: And slept with the professor.

Ross: I’m gonna call her.

Chandler: Yeah.

(Ross leaves to do so and Rachel enters with a guy.)

Rachel: Hey! You guys umm, I want you to meet Sebastian.

Sebastian: Hi.

Rachel: We just uh, we just met at the newsstand. We both grabbed for the last Field & Stream. (Chandler’s shocked.) What? I read that.

Sebastian: Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you! (He does so and Rachel sits down on the couch.)

Phoebe: Rachel, what the hell is this?!

Rachel: (shocked) What?

Phoebe: You ask us to find you a guy and you come traipsing in here with your own!

Rachel: You found me a guy?

Monica: Yes! We found you a really cute and funny guy from Chandler’s work!

Phoebe: Yeah and I-I found you one too who is not a weirdo.

Rachel: Well, y’know what though you guys? I really appreciate that but I think I’m just gonna take Sebastian to the charity.

Chandler: Are you sure?! Because our guy smells incredible!

Monica: Uh, would you stop it with that already?!

(Sebastian returns with the coffee.)

Sebastian: Here you go. (Hands her, her cup.)

Rachel: Oh, thank you.

Sebastian: Sure.

Phoebe: So, Sebastian, do you do any volunteer work?

Sebastian: Uh, no not really. Why?

Phoebe: No reason, it’s just I know a single guy that cares about other people.

Chandler: Are you funny?

Sebastian: Excuse me?

Rachel: What are you guys doing?

Monica: Are you funny? Tell us a joke!

Sebastian: Look, I just wanted to have coffee with Rachel.

Phoebe: Well, so do a lot of people.

Sebastian: Actually, I uh, I gotta get going. (To Rachel) Give me a call sometime.

Rachel: Oh, but y’know, no, you didn’t give me your phone number.

Sebastian: Okay! See you later! (Exits.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Turns out he is kinda funny.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: I cannot believe you guys! He was really nice and he left because of you!

Chandler: Yeah, but Sebastian? What is that? A cat’s name?

Phoebe: Yeah, y’know what I noticed Rachel? He scares easy. Is that the kind of guy you’d like to take to a ball? “Hey Sebastian, would you like to dance?” (Imitates him.) “Uhh, okay—I gotta go!”

Monica: All right guys stop it. Rachel, we’re very sorry that is a very insensitive thing for us to do. And y’know what? Let us make it up to you, we have two really great guys for you.

Phoebe: Yeah! What have you got to lose? Y’know you might even end up with someone really special (whispers) if you pick my guy.

Rachel: All right.

Chandler: Okay, so you will meet our guys?

Rachel: Yes, I’ll meet ‘em.

Chandler: Okay now it doesn’t matter which one you choose, y’know? It’s completely up to you. Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy Phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself.

Joey: (entering) Pheebs! There you are! Okay, you broke my fridge; you owe me 400 bucks!

Phoebe: Okay sure!

Joey: Really?!

Phoebe: Ooh, technically you owe me $600 for sending out happy thoughts on your last ten auditions.

Joey: Call it even?

Phoebe: Okay.

(Ross returns.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Well, there you are! So what did Elizabeth say?

Ross: Well, it turns out that she is going to Daytona for spring break woo-hoo. That means, that means wet T-shirt contests, guys doing shots off of girl’s bodies, waking up next to people you don’t even know…

Joey: Man, she is going to have a great time! Is she staying at the Hotel Corona?

Chandler: You know the hotels?

Joey: Sure! I was there! Spring Break ’81! Woo-hoo!

Monica: In 1981 you were 13!

Joey: So what? I drove down, sold T-shirts, had a blast. And y’know who knows how to party? Drunk college chicks.

Ross: Okay, she can’t go.

Phoebe: Ross, you can’t tell her not to go. You just started dating.

Ross: Then what am I supposed to do?

Phoebe: Nothing, you just have to be cool with it.

Ross: Well, what is she goes down and-and sleeps with a bunch of guys?

Chandler: Well, maybe you don’t marry this one.

[Scene: Elizabeth’s apartment, she is packing for her trip as Ross watches.]

Ross: I’m so glad you’re going on this trip!

Elizabeth: Yeah! I’ve been working so hard this semester. I really need to go crazy y’know, blow off some steam.

Ross: Sure. Sure. Look I don’t, I don’t know if your plans are finalized yet, but umm, hey I-I know another great way to blow off steam.

Elizabeth: What?

Ross: Are you into crafts at all?

Elizabeth: Ross, are you okay?

Ross: Well, yeah, of-of course I’m okay! What? I’m just being supportive. Supportive of you and this whole trip, and-and (notices something) what-what is uh, what’s this? (He holds up a rather skimpy bathing suit.)

Elizabeth: It’s a bathing suit?

Ross: To wear in front of people?

Elizabeth: Is that supportive?

Ross: Is this?!

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is reading as Monica and Chandler enter.]

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Good-good-good-good.

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: We’re really glad you decided to meet our guy.

Rachel: Oh…

Monica: You’re gonna like him so much. So umm, when do you want to meet him?

Rachel: I don’t know. I know I don’t work late tomorrow night.

Chandler: Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow night is good, but uh, y’know what? Why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now? (Laughs) Eldad come here! (He stands up from the next table.)

Rachel: What?

Monica: Eldad, this is Rachel.

Eldad: How are you?

Rachel: Well-well a little blind sided but y’know good.

Chandler: Eldad, sit down. (To Rachel) Move over! Move over now!

Rachel: I—Ohh! (Moves over and lets Eldad sit on the couch.)

Chandler: There you go! There you are! (Rachel stares at Monica and Chandler)

Monica: Okay! Okay! We can take a hint! (They start to leave but run into Phoebe with her guy in tow.) (To Phoebe) What are you doing here?!

Phoebe: This is Patrick. (Points to him.)

Patrick: Hi.

Chandler: Hi. (To Phoebe) Okay, you’re too late okay? Because she’s already with our guy.

Phoebe: (looks) Oh my God, you’re right! I am too late; they’re sitting on the couch and talking! (To Patrick) Come on! (They go over to the couch.) Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah?

Phoebe: This is Patrick.

Rachel: Oh, hi.

Patrick: Hi.

Phoebe: Yeah, this is the guy I was telling you about.

Rachel: Yeah?

Phoebe: Yeah. And believe me, this suit does not do justice to what’s underneath it.

Rachel: Oh-okay, but Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: I’m just sort of in the middle of something.

Phoebe: Oh! Okay! Yeah, that’s okay. (To Patrick) Have a seat. (Sits Patrick down next to Rachel.)

Monica: No! You can’t do that!

Eldad: Maybe I should go!

Monica: (stopping him) Sit down! We’re winning!

Rachel: Okay, y’know what? Maybe I should go!

All: (Chandler stops her) No-no-no-no! Have a seat! Have a seat!

Monica: Rachel! Rachel! You haven’t touched Eldad’s hair!

Chandler: It is the softest hair! Touch it! (Both he and Monica do so.)

Rachel: Yeah, I’m good.

Phoebe: Rachel? Patrick is really rich. (To Patrick) Give her some money.

Patrick: Y’know what Phoebe? This isn’t really worth the free massage.

Monica: That’s right Patrick, bye-bye!

Chandler: (To Rachel) Eldad is much more cooperative! And he can dance! (To Eldad) You dance for Rachel!

(He starts to get up, but Rachel stops him.)

Rachel: No-no! Don’t dance for me! Please? Don’t! (She gets up to yell at her ‘friends.’) What is the matter with you guys?

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, let’s talk it out.

Rachel: I… Am I the only one that this is embarrassing for?

Eldad: I’m a little embarrassed. (Chandler shushes him.)

Rachel: I’ll tell ya who should be embarrassed! It’s you guys! Come on! This is ridiculous! Thank you very much, but I do not need you to get me a date!

Phoebe: Then why did she ask us to…

Rachel: I am still talking!! And then you chase away the one guy that I actually liked! I mean, no offense to you guys. Really! I mean (To Patrick) congratulations on all the cash, (He nods) and-and y’know—(Feels Eldad’s hair)—Wow! You do have very soft hair! But I would much rather go to the ball all by myself than go through anymore of this! Good-bye! (Grabs her stuff, starts to leave, then turns back suddenly, and to Eldad) Now do you use some sort of special conditioner on that hair?!

Eldad: Yes, Papaya Extract.

Rachel: Thank you! (Storms out.)

[Scene: The airport, Elizabeth’s flight is about to leave and Ross is there to send her off.]

Ross: So uh, have a great time down there.

Elizabeth: I will.

Ross: Yeah. And did you, did you pack that bathing suit?

Elizabeth: Yeah.

Ross: It was pretty funny when I, when I hid it for a while, huh? Anyway, umm, I-I am worried about that bathing suit, not because it’s revealing which I’m fine with, no I’m concerned about your health, sun exposure.

Elizabeth: Oh, don’t worry I have plenty of sun block, it’s SPF-30.

Ross: Well, if what’s in the bottle is actually 30. I mean sometimes you get 30, sometimes it’s-it’s get 4, and I swear to God more often than not it’s just milk.

Elizabeth: Ross, it’s going to be okay. I’m not going down there to hook up with a bunch of guys. I really like you. I like how things are going between us.

Ross: Really?

Elizabeth: Yeah! I’m just going down there to relax and hang out with my friends.

Ross: Okay. Cool.

Elizabeth: Oh hey! Here they are!

(A group of about 10 guys and no women come running around the corner.)

Guy: Elizabeth!

(The guys pick up Elizabeth and carry her onto the plane as she waves bye.)

Ross: Call me!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe’s, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are there.]

Phoebe: Rachel, we’re sorry for pushing those guys on you.

Rachel: Oh that’s all right! Y’know, I ended up having a really good time. Y’know, the charity was a big success and they raised a lot of money and awareness.

Chandler: So what was it for anyway?

Rachel: I wanna say a disease.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Joey: I just got this really weird message from Ross. He said turn on MTV.

Rachel: Huh. All right.

(Rachel does so and it’s one of those dance party shows they have during spring break and we see…)

Phoebe: Oh my God, look! That’s Elizabeth!

(Suddenly Ross jumps in and starts dancing with her.)

Rachel: Oh-oh Professor Geller.

Joey: Ahh, to be 13 again.

Chandler: Yeah.

End

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