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Archive for the ‘Season 7’ Category


Part I Written by: Greg Malins
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we’ll all be here in the coffee house as six single people?

Phoebe: Why?! What’s happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)

Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.

Monica: Old?

Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.

Monica: That’s much better.

Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)

Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?

Monica: We’re gonna pick up the wedding dress then we’re gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)

Ross: Ah. Joey you’re-you’re having lunch with my mom?

Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)

Ross: (To Chandler) Y’know what? Actually I’m kinda glad they’re leaving ‘cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.

Chandler: What’s up?

Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.

Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.

Ross: No, its…Its not that. Umm, now what I’m going to say to you, I’m not saying as your friend. Okay? I’m-I’m saying as it as Monica’s older brother.

Chandler: But you’re still my friend?

Ross: Not for the next few minutes.

Chandler: During this time…are you, are you still my best man?

Ross: Nope.

Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?

Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica’s older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? I’m-I’m-I’m serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) Come—Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I’m-I’m not kidding here!

Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.

Ross: No problem.

Chandler: So are we…friends again?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the girls are having breakfast.]

Rachel: What ‘cha doing Mon?

Monica: I’m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.

Phoebe: What are they?

Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bride’s maids dresses won’t get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don’t have my something blue.

Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things I’m responsible for!

Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.

Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn’t get the part?

Rachel: The commercial?

Joey: No!

Phoebe: That play?

Joey: No!

Monica: That other play?

Joey: Nooo!

Phoebe: The movie?

Joey: Yes!!

Phoebe: Ohh!

Joey: Yes that’s the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then y’know, we called the Great War. It really was!

Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!

Phoebe: Congratulations!

Rachel: Oh that’s great!

Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t start today! Today’s the rehearsal dinner!

Joey: Oh no, I’ll be done by then.

Monica: Oh. Well then way to go you big movie star!

Joey: I know! All right, I’ll see you guys over there! I’m off to fight the Nazis.

Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.

Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)

Phoebe: Go ahead.

Rachel: You’re gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)

Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?

Rachel: Mexico?

Phoebe: Yes! Very good.

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.]

The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! We’re ready.

Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)

The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? We’re ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby he’s playing Vincent.

Joey: I’m doing my scenes with you?

Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.

Joey: Wow! I can’t believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!

Richard: No I didn’t.

Joey: I think you did.

Richard: I think I lost. Three times.

Joey: Uh…Cookie?

The Director: (approaching) Okay! We’re about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don’t mind, can we run it a couple of times?

Richard: Yeah, sure.

The Director: Okay, all right. Let’s do it. (He walks off.) And…Action!

Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!

Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)

Joey: (wiping his face) What?!

Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!

Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!

Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!

(Joey wipes his eye.)

The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?

Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh…I th—I thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Y’know? He’s uh, he’s a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)

The Director: I don’t think so. Let’s take it back to Richard’s last line. (Walks off.) Action!

Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]

Monica: Honey, we gotta go!

Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here’s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.

Monica: (laughs) I don’t have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.

Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.

Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we’ll be getting married?

Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.

Monica: I just, I can’t believe that we made it!

Chandler: Well you don’t have to sound so surprised.

Monica: I’m sorry but…nothing.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Well…honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to, to flip you out.

Chandler: Honestly? Me too.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah. Y’know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I’ll go all…Chandler. But nothing has.

Monica: Ohh, I’m so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it’s really, it’s made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse!

Chandler: Okay. I’ll be right there.

(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)

Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If you’re calling before Saturday, you’ve reached Monica and Chandler. But if you’re calling after Saturday, you’ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!

(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)

[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]

Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.

Chandler: We’re the Bings.

(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)

Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!

Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)

Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.

Monica: What is that?

Ross: Well I…I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)

Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)

(Chandler’s Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)

Chandler: Hi.

Mrs. Bing: Chandler!

Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She’s wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)

Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there’ll be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)

(Monica and her parents walk up.)

Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.

Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) It’s lovely to meet you.

Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?

Mrs. Geller: Jack!

Mr. Geller: What?! I’ve never seen one before!

Monica: Dad! There’s Ross (points), why don’t you go talk to him?

(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)

Mr. Geller: I didn’t even have a chance to act as though I’m okay with it!

Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!

Chandler: Hi…dad.

Monica: Hi Mr.…Bing.

Mr. Bing: Nora!

Mrs. Bing: Charles.

Monica: It-it’s so great to see you both here.

Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren’t you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?

Mrs. Bing: Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?

Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]

Mr. Geller: …of course you can kick his ass son.

Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyone’s ass you want too.

Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)

[Cut to Monica.]

Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandler’s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler’s mom?

Rachel: Yeah! But I don’t know what he looks like!

Monica: He is the man in the black dress.

Rachel: Man in the black dress… (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! I’m Rachel! I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler’s!

Woman: I’m Amanda.

Rachel: Oh I get it! A…man…duh!

Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyone’s attention please? I’m uh; I’m Ross Geller.

Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.

Ross: Dad…dad, please! As I was saying umm, I’m Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I’m the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she’s the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you’d all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we’re here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.

All: To the Bings!

(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]

Monica: All right, I’m gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?

Rachel: I’ll do it.

Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?

Rachel: I said I’ll do it!

Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I’ll do it myself.

Rachel: Monica! I’m not gonna screw it up!

Monica: Y’know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.

Rachel: Well of course that is what I’m here for!

Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)

Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]

Joey: Hey! Where have you been?

Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.

Joey: Oh.

Ross: What? Are you going back to work?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Nice shades.

Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won’t get spit in the eyes, y’know?

Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!

Joey: Great! All right. I’ll see you later. (He starts to leave.)

Ross: Hey, where’s Chandler?

Joey: Uh, I think he’s in Rachel’s room. See ya. (Exits.)

Ross: (going up to Rachel’s closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesn’t see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesn’t find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?

Rachel: She’s steaming her dress, why? What’s up?

Ross: I think Chandler’s gone. (He hands her the note.)

Rachel: What?!

Ross: He left that.

Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica I’m sorry.

Phoebe: (walking up) What’s up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica I’m sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!

Rachel: Yeah but, maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s tell Monica I’m sorry I…drank the last of the milk.

Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he’s changed his name, y’know? Tell Monica I’m sorry.

Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!

Phoebe: Don’t be so negative! Good God! Isn’t it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachel’s apartment) right now?!

Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?

Ross: Look—Okay, I’m just gonna—I’m gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you don’t find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!

(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)

Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]

Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (He’s holding a script.)

Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!

Richard: Just the last two pages.

Joey: All right.

(They go onto the set.)

Richard: I found the picture!

(He’s still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)

Joey: Picture? What picture?

Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.

Joey: Okay uh, look I know you’re a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff…

Richard: Oh, thanks.

Joey: But you’re spittin’ all over me man!

Richard: Well of course I am!

Joey: You know you’ve been spitting on me?!

Richard: That’s what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)

Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didn’t know that.

Richard: Great!

Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]

Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?

Gunther: No. No, I haven’t seen him.

Ross: Oh damn!

Gunther: He’s getting married tomorrow right?

Ross: Yes. Yes. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine. We’ll uh, we’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding.

Gunther: I wasn’t invited.

Ross: Well then we’ll-we’ll see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (They’re sitting by the window.) What-what…what you guys doing here?!

Mr. Geller: Well you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we’d see what all the fuss is about.

Mrs. Geller: I certainly see what the girls like coming here.

Ross: Why?!

Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)

Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!

Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.

Ross: What? Your-your list?

Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list that—of people we’re allowed to sleep…

Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I’m looking for him?

Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I’m looking for her.

(Ross points at him and exits.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]

The Director: Action!

Richard: I found the picture!

Joey: What picture?!

Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!

Joey: You went through my personal property?

Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!

Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!

The Director: Cut! Wonderful!

(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)

Joey: Great scene yeah?

Richard: Oh you’re awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.

Joey: Thanks a lot.

The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Here’s your call sheet for tomorrow.

Joey: Oh, I’m-I’m not working tomorrow.

The Assistant Director: You are now.

Joey: No! No! I can’t! You gotta get me out of it! I’ve got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)

(The AD walks away wiping his face.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said there’s still no word from Chandler.

Phoebe: Oh man.

Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.

Phoebe: Okay. Well there’s one down.

Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) I’m getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I don’t care because today’s my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)

Phoebe: Y’know she might not even notice he’s gone.

Monica: (re-entering) I’m gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.)

Rachel: God! Don’t—We can’t let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she’ll be in the gown and then he won’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown…

Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can’t do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)

Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…It’s just so sad!

Phoebe: Yeah, but you’ve got to pull yourself together! Monica can’t see you like this! Then she’ll know something’s wrong!

Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) There’s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?

Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, that’s gone too. This is Monica’s bathroom right?!

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: No-no! I-I…I found one.

Rachel: Okay.

(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?

Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)

Rachel: Oh God I just can not imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn’t show up!

Phoebe: Oh here’s a whole bunch.

Rachel: Oh, I mean she’s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, “Oh that poor girl.” Y’know? Then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone.

Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it’s positive. Monica’s pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won’t be totally alone.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: I know! Monica’s gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?

Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.

Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I’m still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)

Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we can not tell anyone about this.

Phoebe: Right.

Rachel: Okay?

Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?

Rachel: No. Why?

Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]

Rachel: Anything?

Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn’t heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler’s parents again!

Phoebe: You told them he was missing?

Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I’m interested in them.

Rachel: All right, we’ve got to tell her he’s gone. (Starts to leave.)

Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We can’t!

Rachel: Ross, she’s gonna start getting ready soon!

Ross: Well, can’t you at least stall her a little? I’ll-I’ll go back to some of the places I went last night.

Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need?

Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?

Rachel: One hour.

Ross: Give me two.

Rachel: Then why do you ask?!

(They all go into the hallway.)

Ross: Okay, wish me luck.

Phoebe: Okay. I’m going with you.

Ross: Why?!

Phoebe: Ross, you’re tired. You’ve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.

Rachel: All right, I’ll see you guys later.

Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her?

Rachel: I’ll figure something out.

Phoebe: All right. Good luck.

Rachel: Thanks.

(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandler’s.)

Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought we’d start with my make up and then do my hair.

Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.

Monica: About what?

Rachel: Umm… I’m never gonna getting married!

Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?

Rachel: No Monica! I’m serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.

Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.

Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.

Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]

Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It’s my best friend’s, and I’m officiating so I really can’t work past four.

The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can’t stop filming just for you. It’s not like it’s your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)

Joey: I’m having surgery!

The Director: What?!

Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn’t want you to worry about me. But, I’m having surgery today.

The Director: What kind of surgery?!

Joey: Transplant.

The Director: But you’re supposed to work on Monday.

Joey: Hair transplant.

The Director: But you’re not bald.

Joey: It’s not on my head.

The Director: Look Joey, there’s nothing I can do. Besides, you’re probably gonna be out by four anyway. We’ve just got one short scene. It’s just you and Richard, and God knows he’s a pro. You’ll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.

Joey: Hey! You’re here! Great! Great! Great! Let’s get going buddy, we’ve got a scene to shoot!

Richard: I’m wearing two belts.

Joey: Are you drunk?

Richard: No!

Joey: Yes you are!

Richard: All right.

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]

Ross: We are never gonna find him! He’s one guy in a huge city!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)

Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!

Phoebe: He could be in disguise, y’know.

Ross: Aw, y’know…Y’know, maybe we’re-we’re just approaching this all wrong. If you’re Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you’d go?

[Cut to an office building.]

Ross: So this is your office?

Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should’ve hid at the gym!

Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!

Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I’m related to Monica. How is she?

Ross: She’s fine. She doesn’t know you’re gone. And she doesn’t have to know, okay? Now come on, we’re going home.

Chandler: No! No! No! I can’t do that!

Phoebe: Why not?!

Chandler: Because if I go home, we’re gonna become the Bings! I can’t be the Bings!

Ross: What’s wrong with being the Bings?

Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!

Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?

Chandler: No.

Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!

Chandler: It’s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody’s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I’ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don’t race cars! I don’t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.

Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.

Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but I’m afr…It’s too huge.

Ross: Y’know, okay. You’re right. It is huge. So why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?

Chandler: Well yeah, but then…

Ross: (interrupting him) Yeah—No-but-but-but-but! We’re just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that’s not scary right?

Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]

Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And that’s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again…

Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I’m sorry! I have to start getting ready! I’m getting married today!

Rachel: I know. At dusk. That’s such a hard time for me.

Monica: (getting up) I’m gonna go put my make up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)

Rachel: Okay. But wait!

Monica: What?!

Rachel: Let’s go to lunch.

Monica: I can’t go to lunch!!

Rachel: Right.

(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)

Rachel: Oh good God! I’ve fallen down! (She trips and falls.)

Monica: (entering) What’s going on?

Rachel: Okay. All right. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.

Monica: Okay, you’re-you’re really freaking me out.

Rachel: We can’t find Chandler…(Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)—‘s vest. We can’t find Chandler’s vest.

Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!

Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean we’re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y’know make sure we don’t lose it again…

Rachel: Oh!

Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Don’t scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, “Oh my God! The worst has happened!”

(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]

Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!

Richard: That can be arranged.

(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)

The Director: Let’s reset.

Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!

The Director: Let’s take it from there.

Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? It’s going terribly slowly.

Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I’m the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?

Richard: Of course! I’m-I’m sorry. I-I’d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!

Joey: Thank you. Thank you.

The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!

Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!

Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!

[Scene: The Hotel, Monica’s room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]

Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?

(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)

Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.

(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)

Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!

Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.

Rachel: You look so beautiful.

Monica: (starting to cry) I’m so happy for me.

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello?

Joey: (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up yet?

Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everything’s fine.

Joey: Damnit!

Rachel: What? Why? Where are you?

Joey: I’m still on the set!

Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!

Joey: I know! I’m sorry! The guy’s drunk, they won’t let me go until we get this.

Rachel: Oh my God! I’m gonna have to find another minister.

Joey: No! No, I’m the minister! All right, look-look, put ‘em both on the phone, I’ll marry them right now.

Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go.

Joey: Hey! Don’t you hang up on me! I’ll marry you and me right now! I have the power!

(She hangs up anyway.)

[Scene: Chandler’s Hotel Room, Ross is getting Chandler ready.]

Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn’t so scary, was it?

Chandler: No.

Ross: I’m telling you, just a little bit at a time.

Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, what’s the next little bit?

Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like you’ve done everything else!

Chandler: Yeah. You’re right. Hey I-I can do that.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)

Ross: Wh—Hey—Whoa-whoa, where, where you going?!

Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air.

Ross: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

(Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.)

Chandler: Oh fresh air!

(He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides in the ice machine room.)

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe you’re overreacting! You do that y’know.

Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, y’know. I mean there’s no way Joey’s gonna make it in time. So I’m gonna through the hotel and see if there’s any other weddings going on.

Phoebe: Okay. Oh but don’t tell them Monica’s pregnant because, they frown on that.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and he’s so shocked that his cigarette is hanging from his lip.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]

Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {It’s a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (He’s wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?

The Rabbi: I don’t know. Are they Greek Orthodox?

Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. They’re…they’re-they’re my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus.

[Scene: Monica’s Hotel Room, Chandler and Monica’s parents and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler?

Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you.

Ross: He-he was with me umm, we’re playing a little game, y’know? Hide and seek.

Mr. Geller: You can’t ask us son, that’s cheating.

Ross: (pause) You’re right, thanks for keeping me honest dad.

Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can’t see the bride in the wedding dress.

Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.

Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, it’s not bad luck then.

Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isn’t good luck.

(Monica enters.)

Ross: Oh my God! Monica!

Monica: I know! Hey, how’s Chandler doin’?

Ross: Great. He’s doing great. Don’t you worry about Chandler.

Monica: Are you okay?

Ross: Uh-huh.

Monica: Well, you’re-you’re sweating.

Ross: These-these are beads of joy.

Monica: Oh that’s sweet. Don’t touch me.

Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

(They both go out into the hall.)

Phoebe: What’s going on?

Ross: Chandler’s gone again!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!

(Ross just glares at her.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him go.]

Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guy’s hammered!

The Director: I’m sorry Joey, as long as he’s here and he’s conscious we’re still shooting.

(He walks away and Joey does Ross’s fist thing. He then enters Richard’s dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)

Richard: You wouldn’t happen to have a very big fork?

Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. That’s it, we’re done for the day.

Richard: Well have we finished the scene?

Joey: Yeah! You…you were wonderful.

Richard: As were you.

Joey: So I got your car, it’s right outside.

Richard: Why? Are we done for the day?

Joey: That’s what you told me.

Richard: Oh, thank you. You’re welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie down.)

Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a fireman’s carry and carries him out.) Here we go.

Richard: Is that my ass? (He’s looking at Joey’s.)

(And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a bottle of Scotch, just as the door closes and carries it with him.)

[Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.]

Ross: (turning a corner) There he is!!

Chandler: What?

(Ross runs over and tackles him.)

Phoebe: Hey! Oh!

Ross: You’re not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!

Chandler: Ross! (He starts to get up.)

Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) I’m serious! You’re not walking out on my sister!

Chandler: (standing up) That’s right! I’m not!

Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!

Chandler: I know about Monica.

Phoebe: You know?!

Ross: What?

Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.

Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?!

Chandler: You don’t know?

Ross: Know what—If somebody doesn’t tell me what’s going on right now…

Phoebe: What? You’ll hi-ya?

Chandler: Monica’s pregnant.

Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And you’re-you’re…you’re not freaking out?

Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes…

Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!!

Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that’s when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, y’know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can’t be scary.

Phoebe: Well you obviously didn’t see Chucky 3.

Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she’d know I was okay.

Ross: Dude. (Hugs him.)

(Mr. Geller turns the corner.)

Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew you’d find him!

[Scene: The moment we waited for has finally arrived. It’s time for Monica and Chandler’s wedding. We’ve got violins playing Every Breath You Take, we’ve got guests seated, and Chandler starts walking down the aisle with his parents on either arm.]

Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married.

Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome!

Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) I’m so glad you here. (He kisses his mom.)

(He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.)

The Rabbi: Are you Chandler?

Chandler: Are you Joey?

(Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and Rachel on his arms.)

Ross: Huh. This is nice.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: I’ve never walked down the aisle knowing it can’t end in divorce.

(Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.)

Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish you’re grandmother had lived to see this.

Monica: She’s right there.

Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.) Congratulations darling.

Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.)

(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)

Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)

Monica: Not now.

Chandler: Okay.

(They both step up onto the altar and she notices the rabbi.)

Monica: (To Chandler) Who is this?

The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous.

Chandler: (in Monica’s ear) He’s Greek Orthodox.

Rachel: (leaning in) As are you…

The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved…

Joey: (entering) That’s my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, I’m sorry I’m a little late. You may be confused by this now, (He’s still in costume) but you won’t be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let’s get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I’ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I’ve left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows. Monica?

(She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)

Monica: (To Rachel) He took off?

Rachel: Go on! Go on. (She turns back to Chandler.)

Monica: Chandler, for so long I…I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And in stead, I found everything that I’d ever been looking for my whole life. And now…here we are…with our future before us…and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you don’t want to. You go!

Joey: Chandler?

(Ross leans in to give Chandler his vows.)

Chandler: (To Ross) No, that’s okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever gonna had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way it’s okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I’m sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)

Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in my by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?

Chandler: I do.

Monica: I do.

Joey: Yeah you do!

Ross: Rings?

Joey: Aw crap! Okay—uh…uh let’s-let’s do the rings.

(Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place them on each other’s fingers.)

Joey: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. (To Chandler) Now kiss her again.

(They kiss and everyone applauds.)

Chandler: (To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby.

Monica: What baby?

Chandler: Our baby.

Monica: We have a baby?

Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.

Monica: I didn’t take a pregnancy test.

Chandler: Then…who did?

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]

Phoebe: Oh and they’re gonna have a baby.

Rachel: Uh-huh.

(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.)

[Fade to black.]

Ending Credits

{Transcriber’s Note: There was no trailer for this episode. See you in season 8; which will start this fall.}

End

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Part I Written by: Greg Malins
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we’ll all be here in the coffee house as six single people?

Phoebe: Why?! What’s happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)

Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.

Monica: Old?

Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.

Monica: That’s much better.

Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)

Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?

Monica: We’re gonna pick up the wedding dress then we’re gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)

Ross: Ah. Joey you’re-you’re having lunch with my mom?

Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)

Ross: (To Chandler) Y’know what? Actually I’m kinda glad they’re leaving ‘cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.

Chandler: What’s up?

Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.

Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.

Ross: No, its…Its not that. Umm, now what I’m going to say to you, I’m not saying as your friend. Okay? I’m-I’m saying as it as Monica’s older brother.

Chandler: But you’re still my friend?

Ross: Not for the next few minutes.

Chandler: During this time…are you, are you still my best man?

Ross: Nope.

Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?

Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica’s older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? I’m-I’m-I’m serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) Come—Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I’m-I’m not kidding here!

Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.

Ross: No problem.

Chandler: So are we…friends again?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the girls are having breakfast.]

Rachel: What ‘cha doing Mon?

Monica: I’m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.

Phoebe: What are they?

Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bride’s maids dresses won’t get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don’t have my something blue.

Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things I’m responsible for!

Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.

Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn’t get the part?

Rachel: The commercial?

Joey: No!

Phoebe: That play?

Joey: No!

Monica: That other play?

Joey: Nooo!

Phoebe: The movie?

Joey: Yes!!

Phoebe: Ohh!

Joey: Yes that’s the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then y’know, we called the Great War. It really was!

Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!

Phoebe: Congratulations!

Rachel: Oh that’s great!

Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t start today! Today’s the rehearsal dinner!

Joey: Oh no, I’ll be done by then.

Monica: Oh. Well then way to go you big movie star!

Joey: I know! All right, I’ll see you guys over there! I’m off to fight the Nazis.

Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.

Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)

Phoebe: Go ahead.

Rachel: You’re gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)

Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?

Rachel: Mexico?

Phoebe: Yes! Very good.

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.]

The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! We’re ready.

Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)

The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? We’re ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby he’s playing Vincent.

Joey: I’m doing my scenes with you?

Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.

Joey: Wow! I can’t believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!

Richard: No I didn’t.

Joey: I think you did.

Richard: I think I lost. Three times.

Joey: Uh…Cookie?

The Director: (approaching) Okay! We’re about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don’t mind, can we run it a couple of times?

Richard: Yeah, sure.

The Director: Okay, all right. Let’s do it. (He walks off.) And…Action!

Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!

Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)

Joey: (wiping his face) What?!

Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!

Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!

Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!

(Joey wipes his eye.)

The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?

Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh…I th—I thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Y’know? He’s uh, he’s a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)

The Director: I don’t think so. Let’s take it back to Richard’s last line. (Walks off.) Action!

Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]

Monica: Honey, we gotta go!

Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here’s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.

Monica: (laughs) I don’t have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.

Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.

Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we’ll be getting married?

Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.

Monica: I just, I can’t believe that we made it!

Chandler: Well you don’t have to sound so surprised.

Monica: I’m sorry but…nothing.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Well…honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to, to flip you out.

Chandler: Honestly? Me too.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah. Y’know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I’ll go all…Chandler. But nothing has.

Monica: Ohh, I’m so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it’s really, it’s made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse!

Chandler: Okay. I’ll be right there.

(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)

Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If you’re calling before Saturday, you’ve reached Monica and Chandler. But if you’re calling after Saturday, you’ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!

(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)

[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]

Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.

Chandler: We’re the Bings.

(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)

Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!

Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)

Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.

Monica: What is that?

Ross: Well I…I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)

Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)

(Chandler’s Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)

Chandler: Hi.

Mrs. Bing: Chandler!

Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She’s wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)

Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there’ll be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)

(Monica and her parents walk up.)

Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.

Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) It’s lovely to meet you.

Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?

Mrs. Geller: Jack!

Mr. Geller: What?! I’ve never seen one before!

Monica: Dad! There’s Ross (points), why don’t you go talk to him?

(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)

Mr. Geller: I didn’t even have a chance to act as though I’m okay with it!

Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!

Chandler: Hi…dad.

Monica: Hi Mr.…Bing.

Mr. Bing: Nora!

Mrs. Bing: Charles.

Monica: It-it’s so great to see you both here.

Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren’t you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?

Mrs. Bing: Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?

Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]

Mr. Geller: …of course you can kick his ass son.

Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyone’s ass you want too.

Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)

[Cut to Monica.]

Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandler’s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler’s mom?

Rachel: Yeah! But I don’t know what he looks like!

Monica: He is the man in the black dress.

Rachel: Man in the black dress… (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! I’m Rachel! I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler’s!

Woman: I’m Amanda.

Rachel: Oh I get it! A…man…duh!

Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyone’s attention please? I’m uh; I’m Ross Geller.

Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.

Ross: Dad…dad, please! As I was saying umm, I’m Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I’m the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she’s the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you’d all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we’re here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.

All: To the Bings!

(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]

Monica: All right, I’m gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?

Rachel: I’ll do it.

Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?

Rachel: I said I’ll do it!

Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I’ll do it myself.

Rachel: Monica! I’m not gonna screw it up!

Monica: Y’know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.

Rachel: Well of course that is what I’m here for!

Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)

Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]

Joey: Hey! Where have you been?

Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.

Joey: Oh.

Ross: What? Are you going back to work?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Nice shades.

Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won’t get spit in the eyes, y’know?

Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!

Joey: Great! All right. I’ll see you later. (He starts to leave.)

Ross: Hey, where’s Chandler?

Joey: Uh, I think he’s in Rachel’s room. See ya. (Exits.)

Ross: (going up to Rachel’s closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesn’t see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesn’t find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?

Rachel: She’s steaming her dress, why? What’s up?

Ross: I think Chandler’s gone. (He hands her the note.)

Rachel: What?!

Ross: He left that.

Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica I’m sorry.

Phoebe: (walking up) What’s up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica I’m sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!

Rachel: Yeah but, maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s tell Monica I’m sorry I…drank the last of the milk.

Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he’s changed his name, y’know? Tell Monica I’m sorry.

Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!

Phoebe: Don’t be so negative! Good God! Isn’t it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachel’s apartment) right now?!

Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?

Ross: Look—Okay, I’m just gonna—I’m gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you don’t find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!

(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)

Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]

Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (He’s holding a script.)

Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!

Richard: Just the last two pages.

Joey: All right.

(They go onto the set.)

Richard: I found the picture!

(He’s still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)

Joey: Picture? What picture?

Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.

Joey: Okay uh, look I know you’re a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff…

Richard: Oh, thanks.

Joey: But you’re spittin’ all over me man!

Richard: Well of course I am!

Joey: You know you’ve been spitting on me?!

Richard: That’s what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)

Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didn’t know that.

Richard: Great!

Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]

Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?

Gunther: No. No, I haven’t seen him.

Ross: Oh damn!

Gunther: He’s getting married tomorrow right?

Ross: Yes. Yes. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine. We’ll uh, we’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding.

Gunther: I wasn’t invited.

Ross: Well then we’ll-we’ll see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (They’re sitting by the window.) What-what…what you guys doing here?!

Mr. Geller: Well you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we’d see what all the fuss is about.

Mrs. Geller: I certainly see what the girls like coming here.

Ross: Why?!

Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)

Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!

Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.

Ross: What? Your-your list?

Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list that—of people we’re allowed to sleep…

Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I’m looking for him?

Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I’m looking for her.

(Ross points at him and exits.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]

The Director: Action!

Richard: I found the picture!

Joey: What picture?!

Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!

Joey: You went through my personal property?

Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!

Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!

The Director: Cut! Wonderful!

(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)

Joey: Great scene yeah?

Richard: Oh you’re awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.

Joey: Thanks a lot.

The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Here’s your call sheet for tomorrow.

Joey: Oh, I’m-I’m not working tomorrow.

The Assistant Director: You are now.

Joey: No! No! I can’t! You gotta get me out of it! I’ve got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)

(The AD walks away wiping his face.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said there’s still no word from Chandler.

Phoebe: Oh man.

Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.

Phoebe: Okay. Well there’s one down.

Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) I’m getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I don’t care because today’s my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)

Phoebe: Y’know she might not even notice he’s gone.

Monica: (re-entering) I’m gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.)

Rachel: God! Don’t—We can’t let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she’ll be in the gown and then he won’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown…

Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can’t do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)

Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…It’s just so sad!

Phoebe: Yeah, but you’ve got to pull yourself together! Monica can’t see you like this! Then she’ll know something’s wrong!

Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) There’s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?

Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, that’s gone too. This is Monica’s bathroom right?!

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: No-no! I-I…I found one.

Rachel: Okay.

(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?

Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)

Rachel: Oh God I just can not imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn’t show up!

Phoebe: Oh here’s a whole bunch.

Rachel: Oh, I mean she’s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, “Oh that poor girl.” Y’know? Then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone.

Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it’s positive. Monica’s pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won’t be totally alone.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: I know! Monica’s gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?

Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.

Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I’m still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)

Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we can not tell anyone about this.

Phoebe: Right.

Rachel: Okay?

Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?

Rachel: No. Why?

Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]

Rachel: Anything?

Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn’t heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler’s parents again!

Phoebe: You told them he was missing?

Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I’m interested in them.

Rachel: All right, we’ve got to tell her he’s gone. (Starts to leave.)

Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We can’t!

Rachel: Ross, she’s gonna start getting ready soon!

Ross: Well, can’t you at least stall her a little? I’ll-I’ll go back to some of the places I went last night.

Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need?

Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?

Rachel: One hour.

Ross: Give me two.

Rachel: Then why do you ask?!

(They all go into the hallway.)

Ross: Okay, wish me luck.

Phoebe: Okay. I’m going with you.

Ross: Why?!

Phoebe: Ross, you’re tired. You’ve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.

Rachel: All right, I’ll see you guys later.

Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her?

Rachel: I’ll figure something out.

Phoebe: All right. Good luck.

Rachel: Thanks.

(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandler’s.)

Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought we’d start with my make up and then do my hair.

Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.

Monica: About what?

Rachel: Umm… I’m never gonna getting married!

Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?

Rachel: No Monica! I’m serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.

Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.

Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.

Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]

Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It’s my best friend’s, and I’m officiating so I really can’t work past four.

The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can’t stop filming just for you. It’s not like it’s your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)

Joey: I’m having surgery!

The Director: What?!

Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn’t want you to worry about me. But, I’m having surgery today.

The Director: What kind of surgery?!

Joey: Transplant.

The Director: But you’re supposed to work on Monday.

Joey: Hair transplant.

The Director: But you’re not bald.

Joey: It’s not on my head.

The Director: Look Joey, there’s nothing I can do. Besides, you’re probably gonna be out by four anyway. We’ve just got one short scene. It’s just you and Richard, and God knows he’s a pro. You’ll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.

Joey: Hey! You’re here! Great! Great! Great! Let’s get going buddy, we’ve got a scene to shoot!

Richard: I’m wearing two belts.

Joey: Are you drunk?

Richard: No!

Joey: Yes you are!

Richard: All right.

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]

Ross: We are never gonna find him! He’s one guy in a huge city!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)

Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!

Phoebe: He could be in disguise, y’know.

Ross: Aw, y’know…Y’know, maybe we’re-we’re just approaching this all wrong. If you’re Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you’d go?

[Cut to an office building.]

Ross: So this is your office?

Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should’ve hid at the gym!

Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!

Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I’m related to Monica. How is she?

Ross: She’s fine. She doesn’t know you’re gone. And she doesn’t have to know, okay? Now come on, we’re going home.

Chandler: No! No! No! I can’t do that!

Phoebe: Why not?!

Chandler: Because if I go home, we’re gonna become the Bings! I can’t be the Bings!

Ross: What’s wrong with being the Bings?

Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!

Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?

Chandler: No.

Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!

Chandler: It’s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody’s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I’ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don’t race cars! I don’t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.

Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.

Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but I’m afr…It’s too huge.

Ross: Y’know, okay. You’re right. It is huge. So why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?

Chandler: Well yeah, but then…

Ross: (interrupting him) Yeah—No-but-but-but-but! We’re just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that’s not scary right?

Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]

Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And that’s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again…

Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I’m sorry! I have to start getting ready! I’m getting married today!

Rachel: I know. At dusk. That’s such a hard time for me.

Monica: (getting up) I’m gonna go put my make up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)

Rachel: Okay. But wait!

Monica: What?!

Rachel: Let’s go to lunch.

Monica: I can’t go to lunch!!

Rachel: Right.

(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)

Rachel: Oh good God! I’ve fallen down! (She trips and falls.)

Monica: (entering) What’s going on?

Rachel: Okay. All right. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.

Monica: Okay, you’re-you’re really freaking me out.

Rachel: We can’t find Chandler…(Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)—‘s vest. We can’t find Chandler’s vest.

Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!

Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean we’re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y’know make sure we don’t lose it again…

Rachel: Oh!

Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Don’t scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, “Oh my God! The worst has happened!”

(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]

Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!

Richard: That can be arranged.

(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)

The Director: Let’s reset.

Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!

The Director: Let’s take it from there.

Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? It’s going terribly slowly.

Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I’m the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?

Richard: Of course! I’m-I’m sorry. I-I’d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!

Joey: Thank you. Thank you.

The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!

Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!

Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!

[Scene: The Hotel, Monica’s room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]

Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?

(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)

Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.

(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)

Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!

Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.

Rachel: You look so beautiful.

Monica: (starting to cry) I’m so happy for me.

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello?

Joey: (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up yet?

Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everything’s fine.

Joey: Damnit!

Rachel: What? Why? Where are you?

Joey: I’m still on the set!

Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!

Joey: I know! I’m sorry! The guy’s drunk, they won’t let me go until we get this.

Rachel: Oh my God! I’m gonna have to find another minister.

Joey: No! No, I’m the minister! All right, look-look, put ‘em both on the phone, I’ll marry them right now.

Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go.

Joey: Hey! Don’t you hang up on me! I’ll marry you and me right now! I have the power!

(She hangs up anyway.)

[Scene: Chandler’s Hotel Room, Ross is getting Chandler ready.]

Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn’t so scary, was it?

Chandler: No.

Ross: I’m telling you, just a little bit at a time.

Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, what’s the next little bit?

Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like you’ve done everything else!

Chandler: Yeah. You’re right. Hey I-I can do that.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)

Ross: Wh—Hey—Whoa-whoa, where, where you going?!

Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air.

Ross: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

(Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.)

Chandler: Oh fresh air!

(He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides in the ice machine room.)

Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe you’re overreacting! You do that y’know.

Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, y’know. I mean there’s no way Joey’s gonna make it in time. So I’m gonna through the hotel and see if there’s any other weddings going on.

Phoebe: Okay. Oh but don’t tell them Monica’s pregnant because, they frown on that.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and he’s so shocked that his cigarette is hanging from his lip.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]

Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {It’s a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (He’s wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?

The Rabbi: I don’t know. Are they Greek Orthodox?

Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. They’re…they’re-they’re my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus.

[Scene: Monica’s Hotel Room, Chandler and Monica’s parents and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler?

Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you.

Ross: He-he was with me umm, we’re playing a little game, y’know? Hide and seek.

Mr. Geller: You can’t ask us son, that’s cheating.

Ross: (pause) You’re right, thanks for keeping me honest dad.

Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can’t see the bride in the wedding dress.

Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.

Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, it’s not bad luck then.

Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isn’t good luck.

(Monica enters.)

Ross: Oh my God! Monica!

Monica: I know! Hey, how’s Chandler doin’?

Ross: Great. He’s doing great. Don’t you worry about Chandler.

Monica: Are you okay?

Ross: Uh-huh.

Monica: Well, you’re-you’re sweating.

Ross: These-these are beads of joy.

Monica: Oh that’s sweet. Don’t touch me.

Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

(They both go out into the hall.)

Phoebe: What’s going on?

Ross: Chandler’s gone again!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!

(Ross just glares at her.)

[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him go.]

Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guy’s hammered!

The Director: I’m sorry Joey, as long as he’s here and he’s conscious we’re still shooting.

(He walks away and Joey does Ross’s fist thing. He then enters Richard’s dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)

Richard: You wouldn’t happen to have a very big fork?

Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. That’s it, we’re done for the day.

Richard: Well have we finished the scene?

Joey: Yeah! You…you were wonderful.

Richard: As were you.

Joey: So I got your car, it’s right outside.

Richard: Why? Are we done for the day?

Joey: That’s what you told me.

Richard: Oh, thank you. You’re welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie down.)

Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a fireman’s carry and carries him out.) Here we go.

Richard: Is that my ass? (He’s looking at Joey’s.)

(And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a bottle of Scotch, just as the door closes and carries it with him.)

[Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.]

Ross: (turning a corner) There he is!!

Chandler: What?

(Ross runs over and tackles him.)

Phoebe: Hey! Oh!

Ross: You’re not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!

Chandler: Ross! (He starts to get up.)

Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) I’m serious! You’re not walking out on my sister!

Chandler: (standing up) That’s right! I’m not!

Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!

Chandler: I know about Monica.

Phoebe: You know?!

Ross: What?

Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.

Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?!

Chandler: You don’t know?

Ross: Know what—If somebody doesn’t tell me what’s going on right now…

Phoebe: What? You’ll hi-ya?

Chandler: Monica’s pregnant.

Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And you’re-you’re…you’re not freaking out?

Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes…

Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!!

Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that’s when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, y’know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can’t be scary.

Phoebe: Well you obviously didn’t see Chucky 3.

Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she’d know I was okay.

Ross: Dude. (Hugs him.)

(Mr. Geller turns the corner.)

Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew you’d find him!

[Scene: The moment we waited for has finally arrived. It’s time for Monica and Chandler’s wedding. We’ve got violins playing Every Breath You Take, we’ve got guests seated, and Chandler starts walking down the aisle with his parents on either arm.]

Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married.

Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome!

Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) I’m so glad you here. (He kisses his mom.)

(He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.)

The Rabbi: Are you Chandler?

Chandler: Are you Joey?

(Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and Rachel on his arms.)

Ross: Huh. This is nice.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: I’ve never walked down the aisle knowing it can’t end in divorce.

(Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.)

Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish you’re grandmother had lived to see this.

Monica: She’s right there.

Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.) Congratulations darling.

Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.)

(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)

Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)

Monica: Not now.

Chandler: Okay.

(They both step up onto the altar and she notices the rabbi.)

Monica: (To Chandler) Who is this?

The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous.

Chandler: (in Monica’s ear) He’s Greek Orthodox.

Rachel: (leaning in) As are you…

The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved…

Joey: (entering) That’s my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, I’m sorry I’m a little late. You may be confused by this now, (He’s still in costume) but you won’t be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let’s get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I’ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I’ve left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows. Monica?

(She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)

Monica: (To Rachel) He took off?

Rachel: Go on! Go on. (She turns back to Chandler.)

Monica: Chandler, for so long I…I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And in stead, I found everything that I’d ever been looking for my whole life. And now…here we are…with our future before us…and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you don’t want to. You go!

Joey: Chandler?

(Ross leans in to give Chandler his vows.)

Chandler: (To Ross) No, that’s okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever gonna had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way it’s okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I’m sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)

Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in my by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?

Chandler: I do.

Monica: I do.

Joey: Yeah you do!

Ross: Rings?

Joey: Aw crap! Okay—uh…uh let’s-let’s do the rings.

(Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place them on each other’s fingers.)

Joey: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. (To Chandler) Now kiss her again.

(They kiss and everyone applauds.)

Chandler: (To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby.

Monica: What baby?

Chandler: Our baby.

Monica: We have a baby?

Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.

Monica: I didn’t take a pregnancy test.

Chandler: Then…who did?

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]

Phoebe: Oh and they’re gonna have a baby.

Rachel: Uh-huh.

(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.)

[Fade to black.]

Ending Credits

{Transcriber’s Note: There was no trailer for this episode. See you in season 8; which will start this fall.}

End

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Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Story by: Greg Malins
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the kitchen table as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I’d take that bad boy out for a little spin.

Rachel: Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you’re the only one who’s allowed to drive it.

Monica: Yeah, well he’s my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it.

Ross: It’s a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!

Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you’re done.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin’ good. When do I get to take that baby out again?

Rachel: (shocked) You let Joey drive it?!

Phoebe: I’ve never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time.

Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the y’know, “You can drive it, but don’t tell Rachel” plan!

Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe you lied to me.

Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.)

Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won’t let you drive the Porsche is because you’re a terrible driver. There! That wasn’t about the wedding.

Ross: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I’ll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.

Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with his all his hair sticking straight up.]

Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride!

Rachel: Take the top down did ya?

Ross: Only way to fly.

(Rachel laughs.)

Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she’s talking about! I am an excellent driver!

Ross: You’re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.

Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader.

(A woman walks by and smiles at Ross’s hair.)

Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must’ve seen me cruising in the bad boy.

Rachel: I think she’s checking out your beehive Ross.

Ross: What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush.

Rachel: Gimme the keys!

Ross: No way!

Rachel: Well no brush!

Ross: Fine! Y’know what? It doesn’t matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.

(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)

Rachel: (to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.]

Monica: Chandler, we still haven’t gotten an RSVP from your dad.

Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that’s because I didn’t send him an invitation.

Monica: Chandler! He’s your father; he should be at the wedding.

Chandler: I don’t even know the man. Okay? We’re not the close. I haven’t seen him in years.

Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn’t even asked?!

Chandler: Well he doesn’t have to know! It’s not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.

Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.

Chandler: Trust me, you don’t want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.

Monica: So what! As long as he’s not wearing a white dress and a veil I don’t care.

Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)

[Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.]

Rachel: Ahhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice!

(Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto the hood.)

Rachel: My God!

Ross: What do you think you’re doing?!

Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off of the hood.)

Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don’t you just hand over the keys?

Rachel: Oh.

{Transcriber’s Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side of the steering wheel. Does anyone know why that is? It’s a tradition left over from Porsche’s racing history. The world’s greatest endurance race is the 24 Hours of LeMans. Which is in France and runs for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday through the dark of night and finishes at noon on Sunday.  In the 60s LeMans had a unique start where the drivers would actually start the race outside of the car and across the track. At the start of the race, the drivers would run across the track, get in the car, buckle up, start the car, and drive off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time that took. Since all cars to that point had the ignition switches on the right side of the steering wheel, that required the drivers to use their right hand to grab the seat-belts, put the car in gear and start it. The driver’s left hand did nothing. Porsche in order to save a few seconds in a 24-hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left side of the steering wheel so that the driver could start the car with his left hand while grabbing the seat-belts with his right hand. That’s why every Porsche car built since then has the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel.}

Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! (She starts the car.) Okay! Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! (He looks for the twenty Rachel stole and doesn’t find it.)

Rachel: Look Ross, if you’re so freaked out, just get in the car!

Ross: With you?! Yeah right!

Rachel: All right. (She starts off.)

Ross: (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He gets in, but into the back seat.)

Rachel: What are you doing?! Get in the front!

Ross: In the death seat?!!

Rachel: Oh my…

(They drive off.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch as a man enters.]

Man: Hey guys!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey sweetie!

Man: Ready to go?

Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica’s. I’ll be right back. (She goes to get it.)

Man: (stopping her) Wait a minute!

Phoebe: What? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh. (They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh. (Pause) Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.)

Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?

Man: Over a month.

Joey: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.

Man: Sure, I’d like that.

Joey: So uh, what’s your name?

Man: (laughs) Its Jake.

Joey: Joey. (They shake hands.) Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks?

Jake: Yeah, big fan.

Joey: Me too! There’s a game on Tuesday do you wanna go?

Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I’m not doing anything Tuesday. (He bends over to open his bag, when he does so his pants slide down his butt revealing a pink lace secret.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of luggage.]

Monica: Here! (She sets a bag down in front of him.)

Chandler: What’s this?

Monica: It’s your suitcase. We’re going to Las Vegas.

Chandler: Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers—Think of the money we’ll save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We’re not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?

Monica: We’re going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It’s time you two talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law.

Chandler: Y’know we already went over this and I won!

Monica: No you didn’t. Oh and honey just so you know, now that you’re marrying me, you don’t get to win anymore.

Chandler: Look forget it okay? I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see him. I don’t wanna.

Monica: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know…

Chandler: No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you’d have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. Y’know it’s hard enough to be fourteen. You’re skinny. You’re wearing speedoes—That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there’s your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. We was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!

Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at everyone of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Okay? That’s a, that’s a pretty great dad.

Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Girabaldi!

Monica: Who’s Mr. Girabaldi?

Chandler: Does it matter?!

Monica: Chandler, you’re not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it’s time that you let that stuff go. If your father’s not at your wedding…you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life.

Chandler: Yeah o-okay, but I’m just doing this for you.

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?

Monica: How much did ever really win before?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey enters.]

Joey: Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when you’re wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw that…he was wearing women’s underwear!

Phoebe: I know. They were mine.

Joey: Oh. (Laughs.) No! No wait, that’s weird!

Phoebe: No, it’s not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on.

Joey: That’s weird!

Phoebe: I’m wearing his briefs right now.

Joey: That’s…kinda hot.

Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.

Joey: Yeah, I wouldn’t know about that.

Phoebe: And! Y’know what Jake says? That women’s underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.

Joey: Yeah well next thing you know, he’ll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture!

Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I’m thinking even more than you.

Joey: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink laceys.

Phoebe: I’m just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women’s underwear! I don’t think you could ever do that.

Joey: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity.

Phoebe: Okay whatever.

Joey: You’ve seen my huge stack of porn right? (Phoebe nods.)

[Scene: The Porsche, Rachel is driving along a highway and Ross has finally moved to the death seat and is terrified.]

Rachel: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed.

Ross: (shocked) You don’t have a valid driver’s license—Okay that is it! Pull over right now!

Rachel: Oh Ross you’re so tense! You just gotta relax okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax… (She takes her hands off of the wheel.)

Ross: (grabbing the wheel) What-what are you doing?! Are you—Okay that’s not funny! Just stop horsing around!

Rachel: I am not horsing around okay? I am Porsching around.

(Suddenly a siren goes off behind them.)

Rachel: Uh-oh. (She starts to pull over.)

Ross: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that much trouble.

Rachel: Really? You think so?

Ross: I was talking to myself! You’re going down!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a pile of Rachel’s laundry, which just happens to include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesn’t like his selection and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along the way to prove his masculinity.]

[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start.

A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?

Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To Chandler) She? (To the waiter) I’m-I’m sorry I’m new. I don’t…

Waiter in Drag: (To Chandler) Hm-mmm?

Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.)

Waiter in Drag: You’re straight. I get it. (Walks away.)

Monica: I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better seats.

Chandler: No! No! I don’t want him to know we’re yet! I’m not sure I’m ready for that. And besides he’s not gonna be too happy to see me either.

Monica: Why not?!

Chandler: I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but he’s kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years

Monica: What?!

Chandler: Yeah, he’s made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y’know it’s all very Cats in the Cradle—I don’t want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!

(There’s applause as Helena turns around and it’s Kathleen Turner.)

Helena: Hello darlings.

Chandler: And there’s daddy!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Porsche, they have pulled over and are awaiting the cop to come talk to them.]

Rachel: Okay. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I’ll go under, you go over!

Ross: Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under his leg.)

Ross: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I’m sure we won’t get arrested for this.

(She sits back up as the policeman approaches. She undoes her top button.)

Rachel: (sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little too fast?

Ross: Oh my God.

Policeman: Can I see your license please?

Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Y’know, it’s weird uh, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh…well I probably shouldn’t tell you the rest.

Policeman: Your license?

Rachel: (handing it to him) Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome.

Policeman: That’s Hanson.

Rachel: Oops sorry, my mistake.

Ross: Dear Lord!!

Policeman: Wow!

Ross: Here it comes.

Policeman: This is a great picture.

Rachel: Really?! You think so? Y’know, I had just rolled out of bed.

Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal.

Ross: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago!

Rachel: Y’know you’re-you’re probably wondering about the old date on there.

Policeman: Yes I am.

Rachel: Yeah.

Policeman: You’re an Aquarius, huh?

Rachel: I bet you’re a Gemini.

Policeman: Nope.

Rachel: Taurus?

Policeman: Nope.

Rachel: Virgo?

Policeman: Nope.

Rachel: Sagittarius?

Policeman: Yep.

Rachel: I knew it! I knew it, ahh….

Policeman: Well I tell you what…

Rachel: Yeah?

Policeman: You’re not gonna speed anymore right?

Rachel: I won’t speed.

Policeman: And you promise you’ll get this taken care of right away?

Rachel: I promise.

Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?

Rachel: Yeah!

Policeman: Can he handle the stick?

Rachel: Oh well…

Ross: I can handle the stick!!

[Scene: 4 Queens Club, Helena Handbasket is singing.]

Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and…(She holds the mike out to the audience.)

All: Gay!

Monica: That can’t be your father.

Chandler: Believe me, I’ve been saying that for years. Oh my God!

Monica: What?

Chandler: That’s Mr. Girabaldi playing the piano.

Helena: (singing) For I’m loved by a pretty wonderful boy! (Applause.) Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience. And a couple of irregulars. (He starts going into the audience.)

Chandler: He’s coming into the audience. He’s coming into the audience.

Monica: Relax! You’ll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh much better. You’re invisible now.

Helena: (standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) Where are you from?

Guy: Bakersfield.

Helena: I’m sorry? (Holds out the mike.)

Guy: Bakersfield!

Helena: No-no I heard! I’m just sorry.

Chandler: It can’t happen like this. Okay? I’ll meet you back at the hotel.

(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)

Helena: (to Chandler’s back) Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early in the show. Oh turn around honey; let me see your pretty face. (He slowly turns around. Helena recognizes him.)

Monica: Can we have our drinks please?! Waiter—Uh, tress!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he’s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!

Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.

Joey: Y’know, I’m beginning to see what Jake was talking about.

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Joey: The silk? Feels really good!

Phoebe: Huh.

Joey: Yeah! And-and things aren’t as…smashed down as I thought they were gonna be.

Phoebe: That’s great Joe!

Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with men’s underwear!

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You’ve got cotton, silk, lace! And y’know what I’ve always wondered about?

Phoebe: Hmm?

Joey: Pantyhose! Y’know? They way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here… (He mimed that and stops when he realized he went to far.) I should go take these off shouldn’t I?

Phoebe: I think it’s important that you do.

(Joey agrees and heads to take them off.)

[Scene: 4 Queens Club, scene continued from earlier.]

Helena: So what’s your name?

Chandler: (resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)

Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You must’ve had terribly fascinating parents.

Chandler: Oh, they’re a hoot.

Helena: (To Monica) And who is your friend?

Monica: I’m-I’m Monica.

Helena: Monica! Where are you from?

Monica: New York.

Helena: I’m not very fond of New York. Queens I like. (Noticing Monica’s ring.) Ooh, what is this sparkle something! (Shows the audience who woos.) Honey! Huh?

Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged.

Helena: Really?! Congratulations. When’s the big day?

Monica: (looks at Chandler) In…in two weeks.

Helena: (disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. (To a bald guy.) So you’re bald?

Chandler: Wait! Wait! We’d really love it if you could be there.

Helena: We? (Looks at Monica who nods.)

Chandler: I know it would make me happy, ma’am.

Helena: Well I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Oh! I’m getting all misty here! You’d think I was having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back on stage.)

Monica: (To Chandler) You okay?

Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.

Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life… (Four guys wearing rubber boots, shorts, hats, and nothing else carrying umbrellas run onto the stage.) (Singing) It’s raining men!

The Chorus Line: Hallelujah!

Helena: It’s raining men!

The Chorus Line: Amen!

Chandler: (To Monica) When I was growing up I…played the one on the far left.

[Scene: The Porsche, cars are whizzing by and honking their horns on both sides very quickly as Ross creeps along.]

Rachel: Remind me to introduce you to someone!

Ross: Who?

Rachel: Fourth gear!!

(Suddenly a siren goes off.)

Ross: What?! What does he want?! I wasn’t doing anything!

Rachel: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o’clock position.

Ross: Maybe it’s uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more! (They pull over.)

Rachel: It’s a different guy!

(The policeman walks up.)

Ross: Good evening officer.

Policeman: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?

Ross: Ah no. I don’t, but it could not have been more than sixty.

Policeman: You’re right. It was 37. (Rachel laughs.)

Ross: I mean you’re not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are ya?

Policeman: That’s right.

(There’s a pause as Ross gets suddenly flirtatious.)

Ross: Y’know of-officer I uh…I had the weirdest dream last night…

Rachel: Oh my God!

Policeman: Your license please.

Ross: (laughs) You don’t-you don’t want to hear about my dream Officer…Pretty?

Policeman: It’s Petty. (He grabs Ross’s license.) I’ll be right back with your ticket. (Walks back to his car.)

Rachel: (pause) You have a son!

Ross: I know. I know.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is returning from having removed Rachel’s panties.]

Phoebe: Feel better?

Joey: Yeah! Much! Listen uh, not that I’m y’know insecure about my manhood or anything y’know, but I think I need to hook up with a woman like right now.

Phoebe: Yeah, I understand.

Joey: Yeah! Okay! (He notices a beautiful woman sitting behind the couch and goes to talk to her.) Hey! Hi!

Woman: Hi!

Joey: Y’know, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

Woman: I don’t think so.

Joey: Oh! Maybe it’s because I’m on television. I’m an actor on Days of Our Lives.

Woman: Wow!

Joey: Yeah.

Woman: Really?!

Joey: Hm-mmm.

Waitress: (to the woman) $4.50 please.

Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.

End

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Written by: Doty Abrams
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
Episodes Originally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and guineapig.


[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is at the kitchen table and Chandler is in the living room.]

Monica: Do you realize that four weeks from today we’re getting married? Four weeks baby!! Four weeks!!!

Chandler: Do you realize you get louder each week?

Monica: There’s still so much to do. Have you written your vows yet?

Chandler: I figured I’d buy those. Pat, I’d like to buy a vow. (Laughs)

Monica: Sweetie, you know I have no sense of humor when it comes to the wedding.

Chandler: Right. So uh, have you written yours yet?

Monica: No! But I know exactly what I’m going to say.

Chandler: Do you happen to know what I’m going to say?

Monica: (handing him a pad of paper and a pen) Let’s just do it right now. Okay? It won’t be hard. Just say what’s in your heart. (She goes back, sits down, and starts feverishly writing.)

Chandler: (watching in her) (in his head) Look at her go! She must love me more than I love her! What’s wrong with me? Ooh, don’t open that door.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Chandler is getting help writing his vows from Joey and Ross.]

Chandler: (writing) Monica, there are no words… (To Joey and Ross) There are no words! This should not be this hard!

Joey: All right, uh… (To Ross) Oh hey, you’ve done this before Ross, well what did you say when you made up your vows?

Ross: Well with Carol, I promised never to love another woman until the day I die. She made no such promise.

Chandler: I’m so pathetic! Monica knows what she wants to say! You should’ve seen her. Writing, writing, writing!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica has hit a writer’s block as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]

Rachel: Monica what?

Phoebe: What?!

Rachel: What is the emergency?!

Monica: You have to help me! I’m supposed to be writing my vows and all I have is this! (Shows them what she’s been working on.)

Rachel: Well, I like the pretty little drawing of you in the wedding dress.

Monica: Thank you.

Phoebe: Yeah, except your breasts look kinda small. (Points.)

Monica: Those are my eyes! Those are my breasts. (Points.)

Phoebe: Oh! Yeah! (Monica glares at her.)

[Cut to the guys.]

Ross: Well, why don’t you just start with something simple. Like umm, Monica from the moment I met you, I knew I loved you.

Chandler: Yeah, I’m not sure I can do that.

[Flashback to when Chandler was introduced to Monica in The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks.]

Ross: …everyone, this is Chandler!

Fat Monica: Hi, I’m Ross’s little sister.

Chandler: (seeing her) Okay.

[Cut to the girls.]

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Umm, maybe you can start with, “Chandler, even though we were friends; there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more.”

[Flashback to The One With The Jellyfish, Chandler and Monica are lying on the beach.]

Chandler: All right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?

Monica: Ennnh.

[Cut back to the girls.]

Monica: Ooh, are we allowed to lie in the vows?!

Phoebe: Well maybe you don’t talk about your feelings back then. Maybe you just say something about y’know all the things that he’s taught you. Like… (They all try to think about one example and don’t succeed.) Or all the things you taught him.

[Flashback to The One With Phoebe’s Uterus, Monica is teaching Chandler how to turn a woman on. They’re in Monica and Rachel’s apartment and Monica has just drawn a diagram of a woman.]

Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there’s more than three), five, six, and seven!

Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?! (Points to one) That’s one?

Monica: It’s kind of an important one!

Chandler: Oh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down.

Rachel: Well, y’know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could’ve meant.)

Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7 …7..…7…7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7…(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.)

[Cut to the guys.]

Joey: Oh, I got it! How about saying something like, “Monica…

Chandler: (writing) Monica…

Joey: “…when I look back over our time together…”

Chandler: (writes what Joey said and waits for him to go on) Yeah?

Joey: Well, I can’t do everything! Look back over your time together.

[This starts a series of flashbacks beginning with Monica and Chandler in the waiting room in The One With the Birth.]

Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.

Monica: No fair. I don’t even have one. How come they get two?

Chandler: You’ll get one.

Monica: Oh yeah? When?

Chandler: All right. I’ll tell you what. When we’re 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica: Why won’t I be married when I’m 40?

Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won’t I be married when I’m 40?

Chandler: No, no, no.

Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.

Monica: Well?

Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)

[Cut to Ross leaping into Chandler’s Hotel room in London in The One With Ross’s Wedding.]

Ross: (Screaming) I’m getting married today!! Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.)

Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)

[Cut to Chandler opening the door to his and Joey’s apartment to reveal Monica standing there with a turkey on her head in The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks.]

Chandler: Nice try.

Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner’s hat on the turkey.)

Chandler: Look, Monica…

Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)

Chandler: This is not going to work.

Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)

Chandler: You are so great! I love you!

(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said “You’re so great” and then I just, I just stopped talking!

Monica: You said you loved me! I can’t believe this!

Chandler: No I didn’t!

Monica: Yes, you did!

Chandler: No I didn’t!

Monica: You love me!

Chandler: No I don’t! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)

[Cut to Chandler trying to hint to Monica that he wanted to move in with her in The One After Vegas.]

Chandler:  Y’know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?

Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.

Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?

Monica: Then you’d be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn’t make any sense.

Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I’m saying?

[Cut to Chandler entering his and Monica’s apartment alight with a thousand candles in The One With The Proposal.]

(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.

(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)

Chandler: Oh my God.

(Monica gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!

Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! I’ll do it!  Oh God, I thought… (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?

Monica: Yes.

(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)

Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here!

Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) We’re engaged!!!

(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch as Joey and Ross enter.]

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, what have you guys been up to?

Ross: Oh, we were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out because Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions.

Joey: How is “Monica, I love your sweet ass,” inappropriate?

Ross: How’s Monica coming along with her vows?

Phoebe: Well let’s just say its she’s lucky she has a sweet ass, ‘cause she’s not so good at the writing.

Ross: I can’t believe in four weeks they’re gonna be married!

Phoebe: Well let’s just hope it works. Y’know nine out of ten marriages end in divorce?

Ross: Phoebe that’s not true.

Phoebe: Yeah, you’re right. How’s the Mrs.?

Rachel: I can’t believe they’ve been together for three years.

Joey: (shocked) Has it been that long?!

Ross: Believe me, it seems like less because they hid it from us for so long.

[Flashback to Joey interrupting a bath Monica and Chandler are sharing in The One With All The Kissing. Monica dives underwater as Joey opens the door.]

(They move into kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.)

Joey: Hey, it’s me! I’m comin’ in!

(Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler’s doing.)

Chandler: I’ve had a very long, hard day.

Joey: Ahh, I’m gonna go get some chicken. Want some?

Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.

Joey: Okay.

(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)

Chandler: Are you okay? I’m so sorry, he wouldn’t leave. He kept asking me about chicken.

Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken.

Chandler: Hey Joe!

(Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.)

Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke—(Yelps in pain as Monica grabs him underwater)—Diet Coke.

(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.)

[Cut back to Central Perk.]

Rachel: I don’t know why they didn’t just tell us.

Joey: I know! I mean it’s not like we weren’t cool about it.

[This starts a series of flashbacks starting with Monica and Chandler forcing Joey to keep his new found knowledge of their secret relationship in Monica’s bedroom in The One With All the Kips.]

Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!

Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!

Joey: How?! When?!

Chandler: It happened in London.

Joey: IN LONDON!!!

Chandler: The reason we didn’t tell anyone was because we didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!

(They both grab him and stop him.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can’t!

Monica: Please? Please?! We just don’t want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won’t tell.

(Joey thinks it over.)

Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable!

[Cut to Rachel listening to a phone conversation between Chandler and Monica in The One With All the Resolutions.]

Monica: (on phone) I can’t wait to be with you!  I’ll just tell Rachel I’m gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.

Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)

Monica: (on phone) Awww, y’know what your nickname is, Mr. Big…

Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.)

[Cut to Phoebe in Ross’s new apartment looking at Monica and Chandler and what they’re about to do in The One Where Everybody Finds Out.]

Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There’s Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other’s clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!

Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!

Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!

Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It’s okay!! It’s okay!!

Phoebe: NO! THEY’RE DOING IT!!!

Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!

Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!

Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn’t know so you have to stop screaming!!

Ross: (entering) What’s going on?

Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!

Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!

Ross: What?! What?!

Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we’re just so excited that you want to get this apartment!

Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)

Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)

(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)

[Cut to later in that episode in Central Perk, a meeting with Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey where they discuss Chandler and Monica.]

Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don’t know that Rachel knows?

Joey: Yes, but y’know what? It doesn’t matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!

Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own

[Cut to later in that episode. Rachel and Phoebe are going to a movie from Monica and Chandler’s, and as Phoebe walks by Chandler she pinches him on the butt and exits.]

Rachel: All right honey, we’d better go if we wanna catch that movie.

Monica: Bye!

All: Bye!

Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.)

Chandler: (after they’ve left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!

Monica: Actually, I did!

Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she’s attracted to me?

Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!

[Cut to later in that episode. Monica and Chandler are confronting Joey in his apartment about Phoebe’s knowledge.]

Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!

Joey: Well I didn’t tell them!

Monica: Them?! Who’s them?

Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: And Rachel. I would’ve told you but they made me promise not to tell!

Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don’t know that we know that they know! So…

Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!

[Cut to later in that episode. Phoebe is telling Rachel in Monica and Chandler’s that Chandler wants to make a date with Phoebe.]

Phoebe: I’ll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!

Rachel: Are you kidding?!

Phoebe: No!

Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?

Joey: No.

Rachel: Joey!

Joey: They know you know.

Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!

Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They’re trying to mess with us?! They don’t know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can’t say anything!

Joey: I couldn’t even if I wanted too.

[Cut to later in that episode. Chandler is in his bathroom with Monica, and he’s panicking on how far Phoebe is pushing him.]

Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!

Monica: She’s bluffing!

Chandler: Look, she’s not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)

[Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.]

Phoebe: He’s not backing down. He went to get lotion.

Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren’t you guys done yet?!

Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.

Joey: Ooh!

Rachel: Okay!

Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He’s afraid of bras! Can’t work ’em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe’s dress revealing her bra.)

Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons.

Joey: It’s not my first time.

[Cut to the bathroom.]

Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!

Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?

Monica: Of course.

[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.]

Chandler: Oh, you’re-you’re going?

Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.

Chandler: (swallowing hard) It’s very, very nice. Well, come here. I’m very happy were gonna have all the sex.

Phoebe: You should be. I’m very bendy. (Pause) I’m gonna kiss you now.

Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.

(They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler’s hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)

Phoebe: Ooh.

Chandler: Well, I guess there’s nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.

Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.

(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can’t have sex with ya!

Phoebe: And why not?!

Chandler: Because I’m in love with Monica!!

Phoebe: You’re-you’re what?!

(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)

Chandler: Love her! That’s right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.

Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)

Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn’t know you were in love!

Joey:  So that’s it! It’s over! Everybody knows!

Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn’t.

Chandler: Yes, and we’d appreciate it if no one told him yet.

[Cut to later in that episode. Ross is showing his boss his new place and notices something in the window.]

Ross: (He notices something through the window.) No! No! Wh… What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Joey and Ross are talking.]

Phoebe: Y’know, you’re friend’s getting married, it’s gotta change things.

Rachel: You really think it would be that different?

Phoebe: How could it not be? I mean pretty soon they’re gonna be having kids, and then they’re just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. And then maybe they’re gonna have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership.

Rachel: Well, things change.

Joey: I don’t want them to move to a Volvo dealership!

Ross: It’ll be okay Joe.

Joey: I’m sorry, I just…I like things the way they are.

[Flashback to the gang in Central Perk in The One Where Nana Dies Twice, they’re all going through an old photo album.]

Rachel: Hey, who’s this little naked guy?

Ross: That little naked guy would be me.

Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.

Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?

Chandler: Who are those people?

Ross: Got me.

Monica: Oh, that’s Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) ‘Me and the gang at Java Joe’s’.

Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?

Monica: Let’s see, 1939… yeah, 24, 25?

Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)

Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!

Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again.

[Cut back to Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are entering.]

Monica: Hey, you guys!

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: What’s going on?

Rachel: Well, we were just talkin’ about you guys gettin’ married and how great it is.

Joey: Yeah, you can get a Volvo. If that’s what you really want.

Monica: Oh that’s so sweet.

Chandler: So we both finished our vows.

Phoebe: Oh!

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Oh, can we read them?

Monica: Yeah, I don’t hear Chandler’s and he doesn’t hear mine.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(They spilt into their sexes and the girls read Monica’s and the guys read Chandler’s. The girls gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically.

Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh, that’s beautiful.

Joey: (To Chandler) (laughing) Funny one! That’s good!

Rachel: (To Monica) Monica, will-will you marry me?

(Ross laughs.)

Joey: What? I don’t get it.

(Ross points to the explanation and he gets it.)

Ross: (To Chandler) Oh man, this is hilarious.

Monica: Chandler!!

Chandler: Don’t worry honey, we’ll make yours funnier.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Ross and Joey are reading Chandler’s new vows.]

Chandler: Okay, what do you guys think?

Ross: (quietly) Dude!

Joey: (starting to cry) I have never known love like this.

Chandler: You really like it?

Ross: Dude! How-how did you write this?

Chandler: I stole Monica’s and changed the name.

Ross: You can’t do that!

Joey: If he goes first he can!

End

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Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan and Scott Silveri
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is sitting on the chair, and they’re all talking.]

Rachel: Hey! Out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next?

Joey: Probably Monica and Chandler.

(A woman walks up to Gunther in the background.)

Woman: (to Gunther) Hi. Could I have a pack of Newport Lights, please?

Gunther: Oh umm, uh we don’t sell cigarettes, but they have them at the newsstand across the street. (Points.)

Woman: That’d be great, thanks. (Gunther goes and gets them.)

Rachel: (to the gang) Oh my God, Melissa Warburton. I don’t think I have the energy for this.

Melissa: (Gasps when she notices Rachel) Oh my God! Ray-ray Green?! (Screams)

Rachel: (screaming) Melissa!

Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters, what’s up with you?!

Rachel: Wh—(Turns and looks at the gang who’s staring)—Why don’t I tell you over here? (She walks Melissa away from the gang.)

Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get married. (Grabs Rachel’s hand and notices that she doesn’t have a ring on it.) (Sadly) Oh poor Ray-ray.

Rachel: Oh no-no, no! It’s good! It’s all good! I-I actually work at Ralph Lauren!

Melissa: Shut up!

Rachel: I will not! I’m the divisional head of men’s sportswear!

Melissa: Oh shut up more! Now, are you friends with Ralph?

Rachel: Oh please…

Melissa: (excitedly) Are you?!

Rachel: No.

Melissa: Listen, we-we have to have dinner. What-what are you doing tomorrow night?

Rachel: Oh tomorrow, oh I don’t know. Um…

Melissa: You do now. You’re having dinner with me.

Rachel: Shut up.

Melissa: I-I’ve got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! (Gunther returns with her cigarettes.) Oh, there you are. (Takes them from Gunther.) (To Rachel) Umm, so listen, just call me. Here’s my card. (Hands the card over.)

Rachel: Oh, wow thanks! (Reading the card) Oh you’re in real estate!

Melissa: Oh no, that’s-that’s an old card. Umm, I wanted to get out of that and-and do something where I can really help people and-and make a difference.

Rachel: Wow! What do you do now?

Melissa: (quietly) I’m a party planner. I’ll see you tomorrow. (Exits.)

Rachel: Okay! (Joins the rest of the gang.)

Joey: Hey guys! Look who’s back! It’s Ray-ray!

Rachel: Shut up that was my friend Melissa from college.

Ross: She seems really, really fun!

Rachel: She’s actually very sweet and we used to be very close.

Monica: Wait a minute, she isn’t… She’s not the one who you…

Joey: (excitedly) Who you what? Who you what?!

Rachel: (To Monica) Yes.

Monica: Wow!

Joey: (excitedly) Wow? Wow what?! Wow what?! Who you—what?!!

Rachel: It’s not a big deal!

Monica: (To Joey) They were lovers.

Ross: What?!

Joey: What?!

Rachel: No we weren’t! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and y’know, ended up…kissing for a bit.

Ross: So that’s two of my wives.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is working on the seating chart while Chandler looks on and Rachel reads.]

Monica: (telling Chandler the seating arrangement) Okay so this is where the band is. (Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points) And all these pins have people’s names on them. (She has pins to show the seating at each of the tables.) And Rach, here you are. (Points to Rachel’s place.)

Rachel: Oh wow. Why don’t we just take me (Grabs her pin) and put me with a Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender. (Puts her pin at the bar and laughs. Monica just glares at her.) These pins aren’t for playing are they?

Monica: (To Chandler) Okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours.

Chandler: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins.

Monica: Chandler, relax it’s not a contest. (To Rachel) Certainly not a close one.

Joey: (entering) Hello!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey Rach. (Stares at her.)

Rachel: Stop picturing it!!

Monica: Okay, I think that’s it. The seating chart is done. This is our wedding. They all look like they’re having fun don’t they?

Joey: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be?

Monica: Oh! (Gets up) Let’s see, well…if this is the wedding hall then umm (Walks away) you’re parents will be at home in Queens.

Joey: What they’re not invited?! Oh no, that’s terrible! They’re gonna be crushed!

Monica: Why would they think they’re invited?

Joey: (looking around) You got me. I don’t…

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Well, I’m sorry. I thought parents were coming! Y’know? Your parents are comin’! Chandler’s parents are comin’! Ross’s parents are comin’!

Monica: Ross’s parents are my parents!

Joey: Well-well—see? Parents are comin’!

Chandler: Y’know I think we should invite them.

Monica: Oh please, you just want more blue pins.

Chandler: Well this is just sad!

Monica: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging. But uh, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar!

Rachel: That is not a problem.

Joey: (leaning down to her) Maybe you’ll order a little sangria?

Rachel: Oh, get out of here! (Jumps back and walks away.)

[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is showing Chandler the selection of tuxedos.]

Rachel: (motioning to a rack) So now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and if there’s anything that you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all. (Grabs a few) But these are the three that Monica pre-approved.

Chandler: Well, thanks a lot for hookin’ me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest.

Rachel: I’m Monica’s maid of honor. Okay? Don’t try to blue pin me!

Chandler: (sees another rack) Well, what’s the deal with these? These-these look nice.

Rachel: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then when they’re done with them they just send ‘em back.

Chandler: You mean like for award shows?

Rachel: Some of them.

Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, “You are you wearing?! You look fabulous!”

Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E!?

Chandler: Okay, who wore those? (Points to the tuxedos.)

Rachel: Umm, well let’s see uh, this one is Tom Brokaw.

Chandler: Not bad.

Rachel: (reading a tag) This one is uh Paul O’Neil.

Chandler: Who’s that?

Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!

Chandler: Pierce Brosnan?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Chandler: Are you serious?

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: 007?! This is James Bond’s tux?!

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: Oh, I have to get married in James Bond’s tux!

Rachel: It’s a pretty cool tux.

Chandler: Oh, it’s not just that, I would be England’s most powerful weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty’s secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kill. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey and Phoebe are moving chess pieces around on the board and hitting the timer at random.]

Joey: We should really learn how to play the real way. (Moves another piece.)

Phoebe: I like our way. Oh! (Grabs a piece and jumps a bunch of Joey’s like in Checkers.) Chess!

Joey: Nice move.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: So Joey I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding, do you need one?

Joey: No, I’m performing the ceremony. I’m not wearing a tux.

Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?

Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat.

Rachel: Huh. Does Monica know about this?

Joey: I don’t think so.

Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her? (Joey nods yes.)

Phoebe: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go to a movie tonight?

Rachel: Oh, y’know what? I can’t. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl.

Joey: (excitedly) Can I come?! I won’t even talk! You’ll just hear the noise from my video camera.

Phoebe: What is this? What’s going on?

Joey: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?!

Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey’s lewd version?

Phoebe: Joey’s!

Joey: Okay…

Rachel: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that one time…she and I y’know…kissed a little bit.

Phoebe: (laughs) Yeah, I’m sure that happened.

Rachel: It-it did!

Phoebe: Sure!

Joey: Hey. (Laughs then seriously) It happened!

Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes!

Phoebe: (To Joey) Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.

Joey: Why are you taking this away from me?

Rachel: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?!

Phoebe: Okay! I just—I didn’t know that you are a lesbian. (Joey smiles and nods lewdly.)

Rachel: I’m not saying that I’m a lesbian! I’m just saying that this happened!

Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and you’re so—y’know so…vanilla.

Rachel: (shocked) Vanilla?!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: I’m not vanilla! I’ve done lots of crazy things! I mean I got-I got drunk and married in Vegas!

Phoebe: To Ross.

Rachel: All right, y’know what? If you don’t want to believe me about this, why don’t you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you.

Phoebe: Okay! All right! Yeah! ‘Cause I just can’t picture it.

Joey: Oh-ho, you should get inside my head.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch reading as Ross enters carrying a garment bag.]

Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding! (Holding up his garment bag.)

Chandler: A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head?

Ross: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But not just any tux, Batman’s tux!

Chandler: What?

Ross: That’s right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film…that Batman film he was in.

Chandler: You can’t wear that! I’m wearing the famous tux! James Bond’s tux!

Ross: So?

Chandler: So—If you wear that you’ll make mine less special.

Ross: Well, you need something to make this day special? Hello! You-you-you have the most special thing of all! You are marrying the woman you love.

(Chandler mimics him.)

Chandler: Please, don’t take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?!

Ross: Pretty please? Not very uh, 007.

Chandler: Look, it’s my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I would never do anything to upset you.

Ross: When I got married you slept with my sister.

Chandler: That was pretty 007.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is still working on the seating chart as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey. Oh good-good you’re here! All right, I figured it out. I’m gonna take two tables of eight, I’m gonna add your parents, and I’m gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go!

Joey: Yeah, they’re not coming.

Monica: (looking at him) What?!

Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me. They…feel a little unwanted.

Monica: Oh that’s too bad. It’s true, but too bad.

Joey: Look Mon, if you could just call my mom…

Monica: Oh Joey!

Joey: Come on! Look just-just tell—let her know that you really want them to be there. Let’s not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years.

Monica: No she hasn’t.

Joey: Is it her fault that some of them didn’t make it to you?

Monica: Well, what am I going to say?

Joey: I don’t know. Just uh, just tell ‘em it was a mix-up with the invitations, or—No-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I don’t think you can blame it on them so… (He dials the phone and hands it to Monica.)

Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yeah, hi! Mrs. Tribbiani? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica Geller. (Listens) Yeah I’m just calling to say that Chandler and I uh, really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of invitations that we sent weren’t delivered. Umm, I guess there was some screw up at the damn post office! (Joey nods his approval.) (Listens) T-Tell me about it! (Listens) Yeah, yeah, the US Post Office? No, more like US lost office! (Listens) What are they Irish?! (Joey gives her a thumbs up.)

[Scene: A restaurant, Melissa, Rachel, and Phoebe are talking.]

Melissa: …anyway, his name is Allan and we’ve been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. (Rachel and Phoebe politely laugh) And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.

Rachel: Oh. Oh, that’s great!

Melissa: Hmm Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?

Phoebe: Of course! Yeah, I was uh, umm Thigh Mega Tampon.

Melissa: What one?

Phoebe: Yeah! Y’know, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us down when Regina Philange died of alcohol poisoning.

Melissa: Oh, isn’t a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch? (Phoebe agrees by grunting.)

Rachel: (changing the subject) Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was uh, tellin’ Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where you and I uh, we made out.

Melissa: (shocked) What?

Rachel: Remember?! We—come on both had the sarongs on, and we had the-the coconut bikini tops…

Melissa: Yeah?

Rachel: …we went back the house and we got really silly and we…we made out.

Melissa: Oh wow, Ray-ray I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Phoebe: Really?!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is on the couch as Chandler disgustedly enters.]

Chandler: Ross is Batman!

Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.

Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond!

Monica: What are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets!

Chandler: Batman has a utility belt!

Monica: 007 has a fancy car!

Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile!

Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.

Chandler: Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right?

Monica: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and I’ll make you a nice martini.

Chandler: Actually, I don’t like martinis.

Monica: How about a Youhoo with a funny straw?

Chandler: Ooh, yum! (Runs into the bedroom.)

Joey: (entering) Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six?

Monica: The show?!

Joey: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I mean, it’s gonna start a little late right? I mean, weddings start late. Right?

Monica: Have you ever been to one of my weddings?

Joey: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is it’s the same day as my niece’s christening and I really want my parents to be there in time to see me. ‘Cause my part’s just in the beginning I’m not even in the rest of the show—Wedding!

Monica: The wedding starts at six.

Joey: Okay. Okay, I totally hear ya. Oo how about this? I vamp a little ‘til they get there?

Monica: You’ll vamp?!

Joey: Yeah! Yeah y’know, like warm up the crowd. Ask ‘em where they’re from. ‘Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. I’m a minis-tainer! (Rapping) There is no one better! There is no one greater!

[Scene: The restaurant, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: How can you not remember us kissing?!

Melissa: I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of things that never happened.

Rachel: Wh… Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We couldn’t stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin’ together?

Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joey’s head is exploding.

Rachel: Yeah—but come on—Listen, I’m sorry I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesn’t believe me.

Melissa: I’m sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it happened I would say it. Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.

Rachel: No!!

Phoebe: Rachel, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this. I believe you. All right? Okay, if-if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.

Rachel: Thank you Phoebe.

Melissa: She didn’t.

Phoebe: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica and Chandler are working on the seating chart as Ross enters carrying his tux around.]

Ross: Hey!

Monica: You just carry that around?

Ross: Yes. I find it to be something of a conversation piece.

Monica: Between you and…

Ross: Gunther. (To Chandler) Hey-hey! Why don’t we put them on? Y’know get a picture of Batman and James Bond together.

Chandler: I would but mine doesn’t fit. The pants are a little tight.

Monica: A little tight? I could see double-oh and seven in those pants.

Ross: Well that stinks. I was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes together.

Chandler: Well, does that mean that you’re not going to wearing yours?

Ross: What are you kidding? It’s Batman’s tux!!

Chandler: (standing up) Let me try it on!

Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin’ in there.

Chandler: (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! (Finds something in the pocket) What’s this?

Ross: What?

Chandler: An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn’t wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!

Ross: Let me see that! (Grabs the invitation and reads it.) Oh man!

Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him the jacket and walks away.)

Joey: (entering) Hey! Uh, Monica? Chandler? Can I talk to you guys for a second?

Monica: All right that’s it, I give up! Whatever you want you can have it! You wanna sing a song? You wanna do a dance? You want your mom stand at the Alter and scream racial slurs? I don’t care!

Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was really sweet. They’re so happy they get to be a part of your special day.

Monica: (defeated) Oh.

Chandler: Well, you’re welcome. And tell them we’re really glad they’re coming.

Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! (Runs to his apartment and returns wearing a rather silly hat.) Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys, and then this (He tilts it to the side of his head) is for party time.

[Scene: Outside the restaurant, Melissa, Phoebe, and Rachel are emerging.]

Rachel: It happened! I am telling you it happened!

Melissa: Okay. (To Phoebe) Well, it was great meeting you. And uh Rachel, I-I don’t think I’ll be calling you (hails a cab) because umm, y’know you’ve gotten weird. (The cab pulls up.) Take care you guys.

(She’s about to get in when…)

Rachel: What?! Wait a minute! No wait a minute! (She does so.) Okay? Look, that night was the one wild thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I’m not gonna let you take that away from me! Okay, so if you don’t remember that, maybe you will remember this! (She grabs Melissa and kisses her on the lips.)

Melissa: My God! You love me!

Rachel: (shocked) What?

Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin’ together I… (Phoebe is shocked.) I just didn’t want to tell you ‘cause I didn’t think that you’d return my love, and now that you have… (Leans in to kiss Rachel.)

Rachel: (moving away) Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Melissa: Aww, look who’s being suddenly shy. You can’t tell me you don’t feel what I feel. Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it. (Goes in again.)

Rachel: (moves away again) I-I-I-I’m just…I’m just a good kisser!

Melissa: (suddenly frightened) Shut up!

Rachel: I’m sorry!

Melissa: (laughs) Oh you don’t have to be (Laughs again) sorry. I’m…I’m obviously kidding. I’m not in love with you. (To Phoebe) I’m not in love with her. I don’t hear coconuts banging together. Yeah, I don’t…picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go. Eh…kiss good-bye? (Rachel stares at her stunned.) No? Okay. (Hurries into the cab and drives off.)

Rachel: Wow! I mean I had no idea that that was gonna…

(Suddenly, Phoebe leans in and kisses her on the lips!)

Rachel: What the hell was that?!

Phoebe: I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Rachel: And?

Phoebe: I’ve had better.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is hooking Chandler up with another tuxedo.]

Chandler: (yelling from the changing room) All right! I found one that fits!

Rachel: Well y’know what they say, the 23rd time’s the charm. (Chandler enters.) Aww, look at you all handsome!

Chandler: Whose is it?

Rachel: Oh does it matter?! All that matters is that you look so handsome.

Chandler: Whose is it?

Rachel: I don’t want to say.

Chandler: Oh, come on! I don’t care! Come on! Whose is it?

Rachel: Diane Keeton.

End

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Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on the couch as Joey enters.]

Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your audition?

Joey: I’m sorry, do I know you?

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Joey: Nothing, I’m just practicing blowing you off because I’m gonna be a big movie star!

Phoebe: Oh! You got it?!

Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good.

Monica: What was it for?

Joey: Oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.

Phoebe: The next, next?

Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago who’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy’s right after him. (Joey’s cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!

Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!

Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me!

Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.

Joey: (on phone) Oh my God!

Estelle: There’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?

Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)

Phoebe: What’s the matter?

Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie!

Monica: Wow!

Joey: I know! My grandmother’s gonna see this!

Phoebe: Grandma’s gonna have to get in line.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, (although its really just Monica’s now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]

Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?

Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also can’t wait ‘til it’s over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.

Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.

Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?

Phoebe: Sure.

Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days.

Ross: Cassie?

Monica: Uh-hmm.

Ross: Wow, I haven’t seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.

Monica: Ross, she’s 25 years old.

Ross: So what! I still have—No you’re probably right.

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Subtle guys!

Phoebe: What?!

Monica: I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower.

Rachel: (laughs) Well okay—Well don’t ruin it! Just play along at least!

Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Joey is entering.]

Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie?

Joey: I don’t know! It’s not like it’s porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Y’know? And the nudity is really important to the story.

Monica: That’s what you say about porn.

Joey: You’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on the call back.

Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star in a movie? Come on!

Joey: Well that’s true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My character’s catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. It’s really sweet and-and tender.

Monica: Plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing. (Giggles.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are trying to plan Monica’s shower.]

Phoebe: Well when can we have this shower?

Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday…

Phoebe: Well that’s only two days away. What is the other option?

Rachel: Yesterday!

Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We’re done!

Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe, this is impossible! We can’t do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There’s just too much to do! It’s impossible! We can’t do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do it!

Phoebe: Rachel, calm down!

Rachel: (calmly) Okay. I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right.

Phoebe: (grabs and shakes Rachel) Just calm down woman!

Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did.

Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it?

Phoebe: Uh, here. What time?

Rachel: 4 o’clock. Food?

Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea.

Rachel: Ooh great! Very Monica.

Phoebe: And chili!

Rachel: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons?

Phoebe: Both!

Rachel: We’re paying for this y’know.

Phoebe: Neither.

Rachel: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the theme?

Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh.

Rachel: (pause) What?

Phoebe: I don’t know. (Timidly) A cowboy theme?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is on the couch writing when Chandler enters to make his brief cameo.]

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Y’know I’m-I’m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.

Monica: Oh boy me too!

Chandler: Y’know I was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours…

Monica: Yeah?

Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!

Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature!

Chandler: That’s me! Come on!

Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for there room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we can’t. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, we’re supposed to have lunch.

Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.

Monica: Shrill?! The wedding is back on!

(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who don’t know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.)

Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler.

Chandler: (transfixed) Hi! Nice to meet you!

Cassie: Nice to meet you too.

Monica: So, are you ready to go?

Cassie: Yeah.

(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say can’t help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)

Monica: (catching him) Chandler!

Chandler: I’ll be right with you.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Chandler and Monica enters.]

Monica: (To Ross) Cassie needs to stay at your place.

Ross: What—why?

Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here can’t stop staring at her.

Ross: What?! Chandler she’s our cousin!

Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It’s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monica’s eyes.) Say something.

Monica: You were staring about eight inches south of there.

Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even look like now.

Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.

Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?

Monica: Wafer thin ice!

[Scene: A Casting Director’s Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]

Joey: Hey, I’m back!

The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.

Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again?

The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didn’t need to come down here today.

Joey: Oh great! Y’know I would’ve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Y’know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! (Starts to leave.)

The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didn’t need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.

Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasn’t that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying?

The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks you’re really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.

Joey: Wow! Sure! That’s great!

The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.

Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as it’s handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold.

The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, there’s one more thing. Uhh, uh it’s really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how she’s never seen a naked man who wasn’t Jewish. So… (Laughs.)

Joey: So…What?

The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what I’m saying?

Joey: Yes!

The Casting Director: Okay.

Joey: No. What?

The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be…

Joey: Barmifsaed?

(The casting director shakes her head.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get too.]

Monica: So to get this part you can’t be?

Joey: Nope.

Monica: But you are?

Joey: Yep.

Monica: But you told them you weren’t?

Joey: That’s right.

Monica: Wow! Wow! And it’s definitely all gone? There’s nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?

Joey: I don’t know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell ‘em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.

Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to…grow a turtleneck!

Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.

Monica: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?!

Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I can’t do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)

Monica: Unless!

Joey: Unless what?

Monica: Well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion.

Joey: Like what?

Monica: Well I’m not sure yet, but umm of the top of my head I’m thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Phoebe is entering and Rachel is still planning.]

Phoebe: Hey! I’ve got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone’s names in them and inside is everyone’s individual birth stone.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don’t have a guest list.

Phoebe: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we know that’s coming? Me. Are you?

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey! What’s up Mon?

Monica: Well uh, I’m trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge?

Rachel: Have at it.

Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right, turkey. Eh, that won’t work. Cheese? (Picks it up) That won’t work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope that won’t work.

Rachel: Are you makin’ him a sandwich?

Monica: No it’s umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, I’m gonna go guys.

Phoebe and Rachel: Okay.

Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present! (Runs out.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monica’s gone) We have to get her a present?!

Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It’s her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!

Rachel: Oh my God you’re amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?

Phoebe: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party. (Holds up $40.)

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, there is a knock on the door and Ross opens it to Cassie.]

Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!

Cassie: Hey Ross!

Ross: Hey!

Cassie: (hugs him) It’s been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.

Ross: Oh. Oh, that’s right. So-so you did see me that day because it seemed like you didn’t.

Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that.

Ross: It’s okay. Come, come on in.

Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monica’s place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.

Ross: Oh.

(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)

Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler!

Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah I-I have a knack for impressions.

Cassie: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted uh, you can do me.

Ross: Yeah—No!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what she’s eating.]

Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin’ on that…hot dog.

Cassie: I’m all done.

Ross: (quietly) Thank God.

Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together.

Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you ‘til you cried? (She laughs) We’re probably too old to do that now.

Cassie: I’ll always remember that summer, because it’s when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)

Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and I’ll always remember that summer because that’s when I realized that we are related.

Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh?

Ross: Well I’m, I’m a little slow. (To himself) Just as our children would be.

[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, it’s Monica’s bridal shower and Phoebe is passing out some finger food.]

Phoebe: Hi!

Woman: Hi!

Phoebe: How are you? (The woman nods) Good. (She goes over to another couple of women.) Hi, thanks for coming.

Woman: Oh thank you.

(The other woman declines.)

Phoebe: Thank you. (To the other woman) No? (She nods.) All right. (She goes to another pairing.) Oh, it’s so nice to see you.

Woman: No.

The Other Woman: No thanks.

Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over to Rachel.) Hey Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people?

Rachel: Well, I don’t know. I called all the people in Monica’s phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.

Phoebe: Hmm, y’know there’s another word for people like that. Losers!

(A woman approaches.)

Rachel: (to her) Hi! I’m Rachel. This is Phoebe. I’m the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?

Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.

Rachel: Ohhhh!

Woman: I’m very interested to find out who’s been doing her taxes these last four years.

Rachel: That’s great!

Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to get here?

Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I don’t know.

Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You didn’t tell her to come?!

Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!

Rachel: No I wasn’t! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!

Phoebe: Fine, I’ll go call her.

Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is standing at the counter as Monica enters carrying a tray.]

Monica: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to try on.

Joey: Wow! This looks great!

Monica: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom cap. (Points to it.) Umm, this one is made of bologna. (Points.)

Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?

Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries.

Joey: Thank God!

Monica: (to a whole group) Now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable.

Joey: Ah.

Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know it’s gonna shrink.

Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away. (Picks it up and throws it away.)

Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, that’s really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why don’t you go into your room and try these on and we’ll see—get a better idea of what’s gonna work.

Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird.

(He goes into his room to try them on and closes the door.)

Joey: Ow!

Monica: Toothpick?

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: What are you trying on now?

Joey: The fruit roll up.

Monica: And?

Joey: Delicious.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner!

Monica: What?! Which one?!

Joey: The Silly Putty! It’s not so silly anymore!

(They hug.)

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Cassie and Ross are watching a movie and Cassie is pouring Ross some more wine as Ross has his hands full with the glass and holding the bowl of popcorn in his lap.]

Ross: (in his head) She’s your cousin. She’s your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head she’d think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Let’s back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logan’s Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. I’m going in.

(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)

Cassie: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! (They sit back up.)

Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesn’t have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh haven’t had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldn’t have said anything.

[Scene: outside Phoebe’s apartment, Monica is knocking on the door.]

Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! It’s Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! (She bursts into the apartment to find only Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.) Oh.

Rachel: Oh Monica, we are so sorry.

Monica: For what?

Rachel: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower.

Phoebe: And then for forgetting to invite you to it.

Monica: You al-you already had it?

Phoebe: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave.

Rachel: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don’t have either.

Phoebe: We ruined everything.

Rachel: Ugh…

Monica: Well no wait a minute that’s not true! No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda works out for the best.

Rachel: What do you, what do you mean?

Monica: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents (Motions to the pile in the corner) without having to talk to people I don’t even like!

(Suddenly, everyone stands up and comes out of hiding. All of them are glaring at Monica.)

Rachel: Surprise…

Phoebe: Sur-surprise.

Rachel: …Monica.

[Scene: The casting director’s office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]

Joey: And what’s cool is, the character is from Naples, right?

The Director: Yeah.

Joey: My whole family’s from Naples!

The Director: Oh that’s great! Okay, well I’ve heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie…

The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.

Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to y’know make sure I don’t have any horrible scars or tattoos. Don’t you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, that’s me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joey’s legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, there’s a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, Phoebe is getting out linens for Cassie who is in the bathroom.]

Phoebe: Cassie, are you finding everything okay in there?

Cassie: Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me stay here.

Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I… (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at http://www.deniserichards.com.)

Cassie: (noticing her) What?

Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! She’s not your cousin!

End

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Teleplay by: Brian Boyle
Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there as Joey is entering excitedly.]

Joey: Hey! You guys! You’re not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent…

Phoebe: Oh my God! (Joey looks at her.) I’m sorry, too soon. You go.

Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!

Monica: Joey!

Phoebe: Good for you!

Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I can’t believe you’re nominated for an Emmy!

Joey: No-no.

Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!

Joey: No! I’m up for a Soapie!

Monica: Honey? Is that something you’re making up?

Joey: No, no, no! It’s real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel returns from the bathroom.) Hey Rach! Rach! I’m up for a Soapie!

Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!

Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I’m taking to the awards. (Points to Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh, stop that! Don’t kid about that! (Gasps) Will all the stars be there?

Joey: Many are scheduled to appear.

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t go! I’m gonna be too nervous!

Monica: (to Joey) Okay, I’ll go!

Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have.

Opening Credits

[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]

Ross: …and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand it’s collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten it’s predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?

Lewis: What kinda noise?

Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.

Lewis: But like how?

Ross: Well we-we don’t know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesn’t know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, that’s uh, that’s all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?

Morse: Yes sir.

Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I’m afraid I-I had to fail you.

Morse: (shocked) Why?!

Ross: Well you need 60% to pass…

Morse: What’d I get?

Ross: Seven.

Morse: That’s not so good.

Ross: No-no it’s not. What-what happened there Ned?

Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I’m sort of in love.

Ross: Well I’m sorry but, that-that’s really not my problem.

Morse: I’m in love with you.

Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.

Morse: You see, that’s why I did so bad on this test. I’m having a hard time concentrating. When you’re up there (Points to the podium) and you’re teaching and your face gets all serious…you look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater…

Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, I’m your teacher. I’m sorry, you’re-you’re a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy checking them out.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!

Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, he’s really cute.

Phoebe: Go for it.

Monica: Phoebe, I’m engaged!

Phoebe: I’m just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and can’t perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.

The Cute Guy: (To Monica) Hi!

Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I’m engaged. (Points to her ring.)

The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.

Monica: Well you should be embarrassed. (Leaves.)

The Cute Guy: (To Phoebe) I thought you knew I was looking at you.

Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is sitting in the chair.]

Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the winner is…Joey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup as the award.) Oh… Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didn’t prepare a speech. But umm, I’d like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my parents, who’ve always been there for me. I’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel…

Rachel: I’m fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you with your little maple syrup award!

Joey: Yeah may-maybe you don’t tell anyone about this.

Rachel: What? No! It’s not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.

Joey: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: What award are you practicing for?

Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist.

Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie’s called today and I also get to present an award.

Rachel: Ohh that’s great!

Joey: Yeah!

Rachel: So you’ll definitely get onstage, even if you don’t win.

Joey: (confused) What you-you don’t think I’m gonna win?

Rachel: Well of course I do! But y’know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you’re up against the guy who survived his own cremation.

Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it’s just…I’ve never even been nominated before! I want it so much.

Rachel: Well Joey, you’ll probably get it. But you should probably your-your gracious loser face. Y’know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y’know? So it’s sorta like… (Does it, you’ll have to see it.)

Joey: Hey! (Likes it.)

Rachel: Y’know?

Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too?

Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win.

Joey: Ah.

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, she’s cooking as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Oh hey!

Monica: Hey! How’d your date go with Jake?

Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldn’t keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y’know, he’d kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)

Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you’re getting me all tingly.

Phoebe: (laughs) All I could think of was y’know, “Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?”

Monica: And did he?

Phoebe: I’m a lady Monica, I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. (She starts to open up her blouse.)

Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it.

Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel like I’ve had 10 drinks today and I’ve only had six.

Monica: Oh, I haven’t had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, I’m never gonna have that feeling again am I?

Phoebe: You sound like a guy.

Monica: No, a guy would be saying, “I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else.” Oh my God! I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! I’ve been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I’d be giving up! I mean, I…I’m never gonna have a first kiss again.

Phoebe: You’ll have a last kiss.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Ross is helping Joey with his tie.]

Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?

Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?

Ross: There’s this kid in my class who said he’s in love with me.

Joey: Whoa!

Rachel: (entering from her room) Whoa what?

Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.

Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There’s a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Yeah! I don’t know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of…sexy professor vibe? (Rachel and Joey both look at him.)

Rachel: Not right now.

Ross: It-it—The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.

Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y’know you—I couldn’t concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what’s it’s like to be 19 and in love.

Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: How’d you get over that teacher?

Rachel: I didn’t. I got under him.

Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk.]

Jake: Bye Phoebe.

Phoebe: Okay bye. (They kiss.)

Jake: All right. Bye. (Backs out the door.)

Phoebe: Bye! (Phoebe goes over and joins Monica on the couch.) We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.

Monica: Phoebe, it’s okay. You don’t have to tip toe around me. I-I’ve been thinking about it and umm, y’know what? I’m okay about not having that new relationship feeling…

Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!!

Phoebe: (yelling back) I miss you too!!!! (He walks away.)

Monica: See? That’s what I mean. I mean that, that’s great! But I wouldn’t trade in what I have for that. I mean I’m gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and that’s what makes me happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is don’t you think?

Chandler: Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger.

[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, Joey’s category is up next and the presenter walks to the podium.]

Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensize…

[Cut to Joey and Rachel’s table.]

Joey: (To Rachel) This is it! This is my category.

Rachel: I know! My God! Do you have your speech?

Joey: Yeah, I got my speech!

Rachel: Do you got your gracious loser face?

Joey: Yeah. (Does it.)

Rachel: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me!

Joey: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass?

Rachel: On TV?! Yeah!

Joey: ‘Kay!

[Cut to the presenter.]

The Presenter: …in the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the nominees are: John Wheeler from General Hospital (Applause), Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless (Applause), Dunkin Harrington from Passions (Applause), and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes to…(She opens the envelope)…Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless!

Joey: What the?! (Joey pounds the table and starts yelling at Rachel, and which is drowned out by applause. Rachel is desperately trying to tell Joey that he’s on TV right now. He finally notices and he does his gracious loser face.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, the announcer is introducing the next presenter.]

Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the trophy.)

Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is…(Opens the envelope)…Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn’t be with us tonight so I’ll be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And I’m sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel who’s sittin’ right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey and Rachel are entering.]

Rachel: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?!

Joey: Rach we had to get out of there because, look what I won! (He whips out the award for Best Supporting Actress that he accepted for Jessica.)

Rachel: Oh my God you stole her award!

Joey: No-no! No, I’m accepting it on her behalf. (He puts it up above the TV to display it.)

Rachel: Joey I don’t think you know what behalf means.

Joey: Sure I do! It’s a verb! As in, “I behalfin’ it!”

Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back!

Joey: But why?! I should’ve won one and I really want it and she didn’t even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.

Rachel: (looking at the award) No! Joey!

Joey: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of ‘em.

Rachel: Do you really want an award you didn’t win?

Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobody’s giving me any of those! Plus—Hey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over they’ll see it and they’ll think I won it.

Rachel: Joey is says Best Supporting Actress!

Joey: I can scratch that right off.

Rachel: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don’t want to win an award this way. You’re very talented. And someday you’re gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something.

Joey: All right!

Rachel: All right? (He sets the award down.) Thank you.

Joey: I’ll take it back tomorrow.

Rachel: Thank you.

(He goes into his room and closes the door. Rachel goes to pick it up and…)

Joey: (opening his door) If I can’t have it you can’t have it! (Rachel walks away angrily.)

[Scene: Ross’s Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see him.]

Lewis: Professor Geller?

Ross: (turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?

Lewis: I know I didn’t do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could change my grade.

Ross: And why exactly would I do that? (Goes back to writing on the board.)

Lewis: Because I’m in love with you.

Ross: (turning around and dragging the chalk down the board) What?!

Lewis: Yeah, I’m all…in love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade?

Ross: No!

Lewis: Well why not you changed Ned’s grade!

Ross: Well that’s different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me!

Lewis: No he’s not! He’s totally yanking your chain! He’s done this with three other teachers!

Ross: What?

Lewis: He’s got a girlfriend!

Ross: I can’t believe someone would do that for a grade.

Lewis: I know! It’s awful. I love you.

(Ross glares at him.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters.]

Monica: Have you seen Chandler?

Phoebe: No. Why?

Monica: ‘Cause I just keeping thinking about all these things that I’m not gonna have and it’s freaking me out. I don’t know what to do about it.

Phoebe: Okay, don’t sweat it. (Looking around her.) Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guy’s cute. (Points to a guy sitting behind Monica.)

Monica: Phoebe! Come on I’m serious! I just got to talk to him about all this.

Phoebe: No that is the last thing you want to do!

Monica: Why?

Phoebe: Because you’re marrying him!

Monica: You gotta help me out here Pheebs.

Phoebe: All right, I’ve never been engaged and I’ve never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband.

Monica: So I’m not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with?

Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, you’re supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight.

Monica: Your mother told you this?

Phoebe: Yes!

Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?

Phoebe: Oh my God! You’re right! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry before it’s too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean putting out doesn’t get you love? (Monica is shocked.)

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey and Rachel are there to give Jessica her award.]

Rachel: I cannot believe I’m gonna meet Jessica Ashley!

Joey: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman.

Rachel: Okay, I’m totally cool! (She coolly knocks on the door)

Jessica Ashley: Come in.

(The enter.)

Joey: Hey Jessica.

Rachel: (coolly) Hey Jess.

Joey: Ah, this is my friend Rachel.

Jessica Ashley: Hi.

Rachel: ‘Sup? (Joey glares at her.)

Joey: Uh listen, here’s your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. (Hands it to her.)

Jessica Ashley: (shocked) Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this means?! (She rolls her eyes and throws it onto the couch.)

Joey: Well, that-that-that’s it? You’re gonna, you’re gonna put it on your self or anything?

Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you’ll excuse me. (She exits.)

Joey: (To Rachel) Take it back?

Rachel: Absolutely.

Joey: Y-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel pauses and steals a vase with flowers in it.) Yeah you do. (They exit.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is talking to Chandler.]

Monica: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share?

Chandler: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big

Monica: You’re wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at all?

Chandler: Kinda. They’re really big.

Monica: Doesn’t it ever just freak you out that-that you’re never gonna be with anybody new again?

Chandler: What?

Monica: Just, I love you so much. Just…It’s just sometimes it bothers me that I’m never gonna have that feeling. Y’know when you meet someone for the first time and it’s new and exciting? Y’know that rush?

Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet somebody it’s uh it’s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.

Monica: Okay, but all right you’re a guy, does it not freak you that you’re never gonna sleep with anybody else?

Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I’m afraid even more sweating.

Monica: Even with me?

Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that you’re having these thoughts, I’m back to panic, anxiety, and uh I’m definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.

Monica: Come here! Come here! (They hug.) Sweetie you don’t have to worry. No, besides y’know what? I’m gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid…

Chandler: (hoarsely) Water! Water! Water!

[Scene: Ross’s classroom, he has just finished his lecture and the students are filing out.]

Ross: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?

Morse: (walking up) That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little hair cut?

Ross: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that I’m changing your grade back.

Morse: What?! Why?

Ross: ‘Cause I know what you’re trying to pull here. Okay? It’s not gonna work.

Morse: I’m not trying to pull anything. Look I love you dude.

Ross: Y’know what? I-I’m not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay—(Ned looks shocked)—Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You don’t love me and you never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, I’ll be right with you. (To Ned) Don’t make this worse and I’ll give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They leave.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Phoebe is entering.]

Phoebe: Rach?

Rachel: I’ll be out in a second.

(Phoebe notices the Soapie on the counter.)

Phoebe: Oh. (Picks it up.) It’s just so unexpected! I…I uh…Boy I’ll tell you it’s just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and y’know to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in…

Rachel: (entering from her room) Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00.

Phoebe: …in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. (To an imaginary Neil Simon) Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. (Blows him a kiss.)

Rachel: Okay honey, you can finish this later we’re gonna be late. We gotta go.

Phoebe: Please, don’t play the music. Just uh one more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!

End

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