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Archive for the ‘Season 8’ Category


Part I Written by: Scott Silveri
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, who’s in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward.]

Ross: All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!!

Rachel: (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly over.

Ross: No, but come on, we’re off to a great start aren’t we? I knew I’d get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!

(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)

Phoebe: Oh you made it!

Rachel: Hi! (Ross is stunned.)

Monica: How are you doing?

Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?

Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?

Ross: N… No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs!

(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)

Chandler: Hi!

Joey: Hey! You made it!

Ross: Okay is there…some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!

Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, I’m gonna go have a baby.

Ross: Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. I’m Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.

Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute…

Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I’m sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room.

Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we can’t guarantee a private room and currently they’re all unavailable.

Chandler: Man, if only you’d gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)

Nurse: I’m sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.

Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Give her some money.

Ross: I really think they’re out of rooms.

Rachel: They’re not!! Ross, they’re just saving them for the important people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?!

Ross: Well then we’d be in a lot of trouble, you don’t know where any countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm… Would you mind checking again to see if any umm, private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?

Nurse: This is a hospital.

Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Y’know what? I’d have to say I really don’t care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem to—Whoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!

Ross: What-what?

Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing heavily.)

Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?

Rachel: Yeah, it couldn’t hurt to look.

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is checking on Rachel.]

Dr. Long: Well you’re only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. It’ll be a while.

Rachel: Oh, okay.

Dr. Long: I’ll be back in an hour to check you again.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: Thank you. (Dr. Long exits.) Well, I guess we have some time to kill.

Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (He’s looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.

Rachel: Yeah well it looks great!

(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)

Man: Thank you very much.

Woman: Thanks.

(They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.)

Ross: Hi! Hi, I’m uh Ross. I’m here to ruin this magical day for you.

Man: Oh no-no, not at all.

Woman: Don’t worry about it.

Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.

Ross: Hi Julie.

Julie: Hi.

Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.)

Rachel: Hi!

Marc: Oh hi Rachel.

Rachel: How are you?

Julie: Hi. Is this your first?

Rachel: Yeah it is.

Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler.

Rachel: That’s so sweet.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you guys some privacy.

Marc: No nonsense! We’re all in this together.

Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think we’re gonna have some fun.

Marc: Yeah.

Ross: Oh, okay.

Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh no, I really don’t want any—(He takes the picture)—Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross…

Ross: What?

Rachel: Here comes another contraction.

Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe.

Julie: Oh honey, I think I’m having one too!

(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out they’re having a contraction at the same time.)

Marc: Look at this! (Takes another picture) There we go!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]

Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.

Monica: Hey, you wanna see something?

Phoebe: Sure! What?

Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Listen uh, I-I’ve been doing some thinking, and I don’t know whether it’s because we’re here or Rachel’s giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (freaking out) What-what-what’s that now?!

Chandler: Okay. I’ve been thinking about it too, and I, I think we’re ready.

Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think we’re ready to have a baby now?!

Phoebe: Oh, this is fun.

Joey: You’re ready to have a baby? My boy’s all grown up!

Chandler: But you said you were ready too.

Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!

Chandler: Yes, but haven’t you wanted a kid like forever?

Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) ‘Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.

Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!

Monica: That’s it! Right there! Is all I wanted!

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachel’s hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]

Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.

Rachel: Oh, that’s very—Really very-very okay.

Marc: Julie’s cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, that’s about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.

Julie: Have you felt Rachel’s cervix Ross?

Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I don’t think we’ll be doing that.

Ross: (simultaneously as Rachel) We’re not gonna do that.

Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachel’s and then feel mine to compare.

Mrs. Geller: (entering) Am I interrupting?

Ross: Uh yes! Thank you.

Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no.

Ross: Later.

Rachel: No-no-don’t! Don’t leave me here with these people.

Ross: Oh uh, I’m sorry. (Runs out.)

Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father!

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.]

Ross: Hi! I’m so glad you’re here, but it’s gonna be a while. I-I wished you’d called first.

Mrs. Geller: Oh that’s all right, I’m coming back later with your father.

Ross: Oh good.

Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.

Ross: Okay, what’s up?

Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.)

Ross: Ma, you’re asking me to marry you?

Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmother’s engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.

Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you.

Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out!

Ross: N-no! Okay? We’ve been through this! We’re not gonna get married just because she’s pregnant, okay?

Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isn’t just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family.

Ross: Mom, y’know what? I-I can’t deal with this right now. I’m sorry…

Mrs. Geller: Just…think about it. If you don’t, I’ll talk more about humping.

Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)

Rachel: Hi!

Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear!

Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!

(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Ross is explaining to the gang what happened with his mother.]

Ross: …she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I’m not with Rachel.

Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) Why aren’t you with Rachel?

Ross: Are you kidding? Look, we’re not gonna be together just because we’re having a baby. Okay?

Phoebe: But y’know what? It just seems that you two belong together.

Ross: Okay, stop it! I can’t deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.

Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)

Joey: God. He’s crazy! Why doesn’t he want to be with Rachel?

Phoebe: I know!

Joey: I mean seriously, she’s like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadn’t and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and… (Realizes everyone is staring.) I haven’t bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken the place of Marc and Julie.]

Ross: (To Rachel) Hey. Who’s that?

Rachel: New people.

Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?

Rachel: They’re having their baby! It’s not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.

Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?

Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!

Ross: Yeah? Okay.

Rachel: Ooh! Ow!!

Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!

Sick Bastard: No!

Evil Bitch: Don’t you look at her you sick bastard!

Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasn’t looking at her!

Evil Bitch: She’s in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!

Ross: Umm. Umm, I’m-I’m just gonna—(Closes the privacy screen.)

Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert!

Ross: No-no, I’m…I’m sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)

Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?

Ross: Just ignore them.

(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: What? What?

Rachel: He’s looking at me.

Ross: (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!

Evil Bitch: Don’t you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard!

(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)

[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking at the babies as Monica walks up.]

Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it!

(The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)

Monica: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?

Chandler: I’m not crazy about babies. I’m crazy about us.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Look, we’ve always talked about having babies someday. I’m not saying it has to be right now, but I’m starting to think that we can handle it. We’re good. We’re really good.

Monica: We are pretty good.

Chandler: But nothing has to happen until your ready.

Monica: Well maybe I’m ready now. I mean, it’s a little scary, but maybe it’s right.

Chandler: What?! It’s not right! We’re not ready to have a kid now!!

Monica: What?!!

Chandler: I’m kidding. This is going to be fun.

Monica: So we’re gonna try? I mean, are we trying?

Chandler: We’re trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Y’know I’m not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?

Monica: Okay, hold on a sec.

Chandler: Period math?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now.

Chandler: Right here?

Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.

Chandler: Wait a minute, it’s perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we’re in a building that’s full of beds!

Monica: And it’s so clean!!

(They run off in search of a bed.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.]

Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!

Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money?

Joey: (looking at her) No.

Phoebe: All right, I’ll see you downstairs then.

Joey: All right.

Phoebe: All right.

Joey: Hey I got one! I got one!

[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg extended.]

Man: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi.

Man: Oh uh, up or down?

Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but can’t.) I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)

Man: Could you press up too please?

Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.

Man: Oh yeah? How’d yours happen?

Phoebe: Well, it’s a long story. It’s kind of embarrassing. Let’s just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?

Man: Car accident.

Phoebe: Oh.

Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasn’t paying attention?

Man: Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, that’s me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it you’re just visiting someone.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah.

Man: Well umm, if you have sometime y’know and maybe you might want to visit someone else…

Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that.

Man: I’m in the middle… (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.)

Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!

Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]

Ross: The nurse said they’re bringing in another woman.

Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn’t need to be; she’ll still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some support.)

Ross: That’s it. That’s it.

(The next couple enters.)

Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.

Rachel: Yeah it was.

Woman: Mine haven’t been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!

(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)

[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is.]

Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient I’m looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, he’s like early to mid-thirties, very attractive.

Nurse: I think I know who you’re talking about.

Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in?

Nurse: I’m sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff…

Joey: (walks up) Uh, she’s with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Remoray.

Nurse: Dr. Drake who?

Joey: Remoray. It’s Portuguese. We need that information; I’m a doctor.

Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?

Joey: Damnit woman we’re losing precious time! Now do you want this man’s blood on your head?

Phoebe: Hands.

Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. He’s a patient of mine, I’ve been treating him for years!

Nurse: He’s in room 816.

Joey: 816, thank you!

Phoebe: Thank you. (Starts to exit.)

(Joey starts to leave, but stops.)

Joey: And what is his name?

Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)

[Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.]

Monica: I think we found a place.

Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing.)

Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?

Chandler: Okay. Uh, we’ll dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds it’s not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)

Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.

(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)

Monica: Okay. Let’s hurry—Oh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)

Chandler: Yes, 98.6. You’re gonna be fine.

[Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.]

Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, that’s him! That’s him!

Joey: Great! Go get him.

Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.

Joey: (looks in the window) He’s not really my type.

Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see what’s he like. People tell doctors everything.

Joey: But you said he was this great guy!

Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.

Joey: You do attract some stinkers.

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again.]

Rachel: Dr. Long, I’ve been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?

Dr. Long: Three.

Ross: Just three?! I’m dilated three!

Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Don’t worry, you’re doing great. I’ll be back soon. (Exits.)

Rachel: Hey, y’know what? I’m not waiting! I’m gonna push this baby out! I’m doing it! I mean it’s what? Three centimeters? That’s gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)

Ross: Actually it’s more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch apart.)

Rachel: Oh stupid metric system!

(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)

Doctor: Oh my. We’re gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.

Rachel: Oh for the love of God!

Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the hallway) It’s coming! It’s coming!

Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)

Rachel: Oh come on!!

[Scene: Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is entering.]

Joey: Hi! I’m Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.

Man: Really? I’ve been dealing with Dr. Wells.

Joey: I know, but I’m a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.

Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.

Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.

Man: Clifford Burnett.

Joey: Date of birth?

Cliff: November 16th, 1968.

Joey: Age?

Cliff: Can’t you figure that out based on my date of birth?

Joey: I’m a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.

Cliff: I’m 33.

Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.

Cliff: No.

Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?

Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?

Joey: (checking the list) Yes.

Cliff: Well uh if you must know I’m a widower.

Joey: Oh that’s terrible. I’m-I’m really sorry.

Cliff: Yeah.

Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?

Cliff: No.

Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff y’know, sexually?

Cliff: No!

Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, they’re brining in yet another woman.]

Nurse: (calling to the woman) This room’s available.

Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, that’s four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I’m next! It’s my turn! It’s only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me I’m going to sue you! Not this hospital, I’m going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) he’s a lawyer!

Ross: Uh Rach…

Rachel: Go get back on that case honey!

Nurse: I don’t think the next patient is very far along.

Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in.

(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)

Woman: OH….MY….GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, it’s Janice.)

(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued from earlier.]

Janice: I….can’t….believe this!

Ross: And yet somehow it’s true!

Janice: I mean this is so great! We’re gonna be baby buddies! (Does the laugh.)

Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby’s ears!

Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!

Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I don’t think you’ve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist’s office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)

Sid: I still can’t believe it! I’m the luckiest guy in the world!

Ross: (softly) Really?

Sid: (To Janice) What’d he say?

Janice: Oh y’know what? You have to speak very loudly when you’re talking to Sid, because he’s almost completely deaf.

Rachel: Oh!

Ross: Oh there you go!

Rachel: I get it!

Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didn’t even know you got married.

Rachel: Oh we-we didn’t.

Ross: No-no. We…

Janice: What?!

Ross: Um uh…We’re-we’re just having this baby together but uh, uh that’s all.

Janice: Why?!!

Ross: Uh well umm…we’re just not in that place, y’know? But we’re very excited about this.

Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.)

Rachel: Just tell me how.

Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.)

Ross: Sid you lucky deaf bastard.

[Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.]

Phoebe: What else? What else?

Joey: Uh, well he’s 33.

Phoebe: Oh. Ah-uh.

Joey: A widower.

Phoebe: Oh.

Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he’s not into anything weird sexually.

Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.

[Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.]

Chandler: Should we tell Rachel there’s an empty private room right next door to hers?

Monica: We could, or we can have sex in it.

Chandler: Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!

(They start making out again.)

Monica: (lying down on the bed) Okay mister! Fertilize me!

(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)

Monica: Does that sound like Janice?

Chandler: If it’s not, then there’s two of them. And that would mean it’s the end of the world!

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice.]

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hi.

Rachel: Oh hi.

Monica: I can’t believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?

Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you’re trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass?

Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear—(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)—Mother of God it’s true!

Janice: Chandler Bing!

Chandler: Jan-Janice!

Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.

Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.

Chandler: Janice I didn’t even know you were pregnant! Who’s the unwitting human who’s essence you’ve stolen?

Janice: It’s you. This is yours.

Chandler: What?!

Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven’t slept together in years! (Laughs again.)

Chandler: That’s funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?

[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.]

Phoebe: Okay I’ve got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?

Cliff: I’d have to say…the talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that you’re making me eat him.

Phoebe: Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it? I’m sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.)

Cliff: No, I’m sorry. It’s just my foot itches like crazy.

Phoebe: Oh, I’ll get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)

Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.

Phoebe: Relax, it’s not like we’re forking.

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain.]

Rachel: Oh that’s five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesn’t she want to come out?

Ross: Y’know what I think it is? I think you’ve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesn’t want to leave.

Rachel: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another contraction as Dr. Long enters.)

Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, you’re a hero.

Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.

Dr. Long: Actually, I think you’re ready to go to the delivery room.

Rachel: What?

Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, you’re about to become a mom.

Rachel: My God. Okay. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!

[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.]

Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.)

Phoebe: Y’know what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as Cliff sees something on TV.)

Cliff: Oh my God! That’s the doctor who was in my room before!

Phoebe: Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet.

Cliff: I’m telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions!

Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room?

Joey: (entering) Rachel’s having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, I’m a neurologist.

Cliff: That-that’s him! You know him?

Phoebe: Okay. Okay. I—Okay umm…this…I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm y’know, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than I’m coming off right now.

Cliff: I don’t believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?

Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)

Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.

Phoebe: You’re right, that was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?

Cliff: I don’t think so.

Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brother’s triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!

Phoebe: Uh Joey, we’re trying to dial down the crazy.

Joey: Right!

Phoebe: Umm, look we don’t, we don’t really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don’t know about you but that doesn’t happen to me a lot.

Cliff: It doesn’t happen to me either.

Joey: Me neither.

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth.]

Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5…4…

Rachel: 3-2-1 oh!!

Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.

Rachel: I can’t. I can’t push anymore, I can’t.

Ross: Sweetie you’re doing great.

Rachel: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!

Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something.

Ross: What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God!

Rachel: Don’t say, “Oh my God!” Oh my God what?

Ross: What is that?

Dr. Long: It’s the baby’s buttock, she’s breech.

Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.

Rachel: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?

Dr. Long: She’s gonna be fine. Okay, she’s in a more difficult position so you’re gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!

Ross: Go!

Dr. Long: Rachel you’re gonna have to push even harder, nothing’s happening!

Rachel: I’m sorry, I can’t!

Ross: Yes you can!

Rachel: I can’t!

Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let’s go!

Rachel: I can’t. Please, you do it for me.

Ross: No! Come on let’s—One more time! One final push! Ready? 1…2…3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking him down.)

Dr. Long: Good!

Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing!

Rachel: Are you okay?

Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!

Dr. Long: Here we go!

Ross: Oh! Oh! She’s upside down but she’s coming! She’s coming!

Rachel: Oh God!

Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she’s here.

(The newest friend cries.)

Ross: Oh she’s…she’s perfect.

Rachel: Oh, she’s so tiny. (Starts crying) Where’d she go?

Ross: Oh it’s okay. They’re just-they’re just wrapping her up.

Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, she’s really tiny.

Dr. Long: Here she is!

(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, she’s looking at me. Hi! I know you.

Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?

Rachel: No, not yet.

Dr. Long: That’s fine, for now we’ll just call her Baby Girl Green.

Rachel: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.

(Ross and Rachel look into each other’s eyes and kiss.)

Rachel: Hello baby girl.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of the gang enters.]

Phoebe: Can we come in?

Ross: Oh, come in.

Phoebe: Hi!

Joey: There she is!

Phoebe: Oh, she’s so beautiful.

Rachel: Here. (Hands her to Monica.)

Monica: Oh my God! She’s amazing. Oh, oh I’m so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!

Chandler: It’s incredible, I mean one minute she’s inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.

Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Y’know what I mean! She’s this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and…uh-oh.

Rachel: What?

Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we’re good.

Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! You’re so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I won’t.

(Rachel starts crying again.)

Monica: What’s the matter?

Rachel: Oh nothing I… Sorry, I just can’t stop crying.

Ross: The doctor says it’s completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-you’re sleep deprived.

Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.)

Joey: What’s the matter now?

Rachel: I was reliving it.

Phoebe: Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)

Chandler: So, do you know what you’re gonna call her yet?

Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute it’s not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!

Ross: Uh actually, we-we’ve narrowed it down to two names.

Rachel: Yeah, and y’know what? I love them both, so why don’t you just pick one and that’ll be it.

Ross: Wow! Umm, okay uh…everyone…this…is Isabella. (Rachel starts crying.) What?

Rachel: That’s not her name! I’m sorry, she just doesn’t feel like an Isabella.

Chandler: So then I guess Ferdinad is out.

Joey: What was the other one Ross?

Ross: Umm, Delilah.

Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.

Ross: So I guess we’re back to uh, Baby Girl.

Phoebe: Yay!

Rachel: Well what are we going to do?

Monica: It’s okay honey, you’ll find a name.

Ross: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be.

Chandler: You do?

Monica: Yeah, I’ve had them picked out since I was fourteen.

Chandler: Oh no, it’s gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn’t it?

Rachel: Well tell us! What are they?

Monica: Umm, okay. If it’s a boy it’s Daniel.

Rachel: And if it’s a girl?

Monica: I don’t want to say.

Rachel: Oh, just tell us! We’re not gonna want it!

Monica: Okay. It’s Emma.

Rachel: (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I don’t want it.

Monica: Take it.

Rachel: What?

Monica: It’s clearly an Emma.

Rachel: Oh honey, but you love that name.

Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides y’know, nothing goes with Bing. So I’m screwed. I mean… (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, that’s you. You’re our little Em. Oh what’s that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!

[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]

Chandler: That was amazing.

Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.

Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.

[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]

Janice: (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his future bride.

Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn’t he?

Janice: He’s a keeper. How are you feeling?

Rachel: Oh, I’m fine. (Gasps in pain as she sits down.)

Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you’re doing. Just raising her all alone.

Rachel: Oh, I’m not doing it alone. I have Ross.

Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?

Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, it’s Ross!

Janice: I’m telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they’re gonna be there until they start their real family.

Rachel: Well I—That’s never gonna happen with Ross.

Janice: Oh well that’s what I thought about my first husband, now I’m lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.

Rachel: Really?

Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.

Rachel: Well… That’s…y’know—That’s—We’ve been alone for the last twenty minutes we’re doing okay. Besides y’know what? I-I—Maybe we won’t be alone, ‘cause lately I-I—things have been happening between me and Ross, y’know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Y’know? So it might be the…the beginning of something.

Ross: (entering) Hey Janice!

Janice: Oh hi!

Ross: Who’s this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)

Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.

Ross: No-no. No.

Janice: I’m gonna leave the three of you alone.

Ross: Okay.

Janice: Bye. (Exits.)

Ross: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?

Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Y’know what I was, I was thinking about?

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: Umm…that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh?

Ross: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we…we gotta be careful. We…we can’t let that happen again, y’know?

Rachel: (pause) Right.

Ross: I mean we don’t want to go down that road do we?

Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. That’s why I brought it up. (Pause) They didn’t have any sodas?

Ross: Oh my God! I’m sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.

Rachel: That’s all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.

[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up.]

Phoebe: Is she in there?

Ross: Yeah. She’s putting her down now, that’s her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma now.)

Phoebe: Oh!

Ross: Look at Emma!

Phoebe: I just can’t decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?

Ross: Oh what are you kidding? She’s gorgeous, it’s all Rachel.

(Pause)

Phoebe: I’m sorry, for the last time, why aren’t you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because you’re not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.

Ross: It’s…it’s complicated okay?

Phoebe: Yeah that’s true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.

Ross: Look, we’ve been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) It’s just if-if we got together again and it didn’t work out…I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everything—(Starts to cry.) Oh that’s…now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I we’re doing really, we’re doing really well right now.

Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.

Ross: Yeah, exactly.

Phoebe: Right. (Pause) Or you might get everything you’ve wanted since you were fifteen.

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices she’s wiping her eyes.) What’s the matter?

Rachel: Nothing.

Joey: What is it? Hey!

Rachel: Really it’s nothing. I’m just…

Joey: Rach come on, what?

Rachel: I’ve just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone.

Joey: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?

Rachel: Oh please, he’ll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs.

Joey: Okay, how long was I watching that woman?

Rachel: I’m just saying that y’know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and…he’s gonna have his own life. Right?

Joey: Yeah, I guess so.

Rachel: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?

Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to me…you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise that’s not gonna happen.

Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without you?

(They hug.)

Joey: You don’t have to worry about that okay?

(Pause)

Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They’re right on that chair under Ross’s coat.

Joey: Sure.

Rachel: Okay.

(He moves Ross’s coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it’s an engagement ring.)

Joey: My God.

Rachel: Joey.

(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)

Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.

(Joey is stunned.)

[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel’s room.]

[Fade to black.]

Closing Credits

{Transcriber’s Note: As with all the cliffhangers, there was no credits scene. There will be a ninth and final season of Friends starting sometime in September. See you then, have a good summer everyone.}

End

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Part I Written by: Scott Silveri
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, who’s in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward.]

Ross: All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!!

Rachel: (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly over.

Ross: No, but come on, we’re off to a great start aren’t we? I knew I’d get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!

(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)

Phoebe: Oh you made it!

Rachel: Hi! (Ross is stunned.)

Monica: How are you doing?

Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?

Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?

Ross: N… No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs!

(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)

Chandler: Hi!

Joey: Hey! You made it!

Ross: Okay is there…some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!

Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, I’m gonna go have a baby.

Ross: Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. I’m Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.

Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute…

Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I’m sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room.

Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we can’t guarantee a private room and currently they’re all unavailable.

Chandler: Man, if only you’d gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)

Nurse: I’m sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.

Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Give her some money.

Ross: I really think they’re out of rooms.

Rachel: They’re not!! Ross, they’re just saving them for the important people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?!

Ross: Well then we’d be in a lot of trouble, you don’t know where any countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm… Would you mind checking again to see if any umm, private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?

Nurse: This is a hospital.

Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Y’know what? I’d have to say I really don’t care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem to—Whoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!

Ross: What-what?

Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing heavily.)

Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?

Rachel: Yeah, it couldn’t hurt to look.

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is checking on Rachel.]

Dr. Long: Well you’re only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. It’ll be a while.

Rachel: Oh, okay.

Dr. Long: I’ll be back in an hour to check you again.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: Thank you. (Dr. Long exits.) Well, I guess we have some time to kill.

Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (He’s looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.

Rachel: Yeah well it looks great!

(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)

Man: Thank you very much.

Woman: Thanks.

(They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.)

Ross: Hi! Hi, I’m uh Ross. I’m here to ruin this magical day for you.

Man: Oh no-no, not at all.

Woman: Don’t worry about it.

Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.

Ross: Hi Julie.

Julie: Hi.

Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.)

Rachel: Hi!

Marc: Oh hi Rachel.

Rachel: How are you?

Julie: Hi. Is this your first?

Rachel: Yeah it is.

Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler.

Rachel: That’s so sweet.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you guys some privacy.

Marc: No nonsense! We’re all in this together.

Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think we’re gonna have some fun.

Marc: Yeah.

Ross: Oh, okay.

Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh no, I really don’t want any—(He takes the picture)—Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross…

Ross: What?

Rachel: Here comes another contraction.

Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe.

Julie: Oh honey, I think I’m having one too!

(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out they’re having a contraction at the same time.)

Marc: Look at this! (Takes another picture) There we go!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.]

Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.

Monica: Hey, you wanna see something?

Phoebe: Sure! What?

Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Listen uh, I-I’ve been doing some thinking, and I don’t know whether it’s because we’re here or Rachel’s giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (freaking out) What-what-what’s that now?!

Chandler: Okay. I’ve been thinking about it too, and I, I think we’re ready.

Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think we’re ready to have a baby now?!

Phoebe: Oh, this is fun.

Joey: You’re ready to have a baby? My boy’s all grown up!

Chandler: But you said you were ready too.

Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!

Chandler: Yes, but haven’t you wanted a kid like forever?

Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) ‘Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.

Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!

Monica: That’s it! Right there! Is all I wanted!

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachel’s hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]

Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.

Rachel: Oh, that’s very—Really very-very okay.

Marc: Julie’s cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, that’s about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.

Julie: Have you felt Rachel’s cervix Ross?

Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I don’t think we’ll be doing that.

Ross: (simultaneously as Rachel) We’re not gonna do that.

Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachel’s and then feel mine to compare.

Mrs. Geller: (entering) Am I interrupting?

Ross: Uh yes! Thank you.

Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no.

Ross: Later.

Rachel: No-no-don’t! Don’t leave me here with these people.

Ross: Oh uh, I’m sorry. (Runs out.)

Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father!

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.]

Ross: Hi! I’m so glad you’re here, but it’s gonna be a while. I-I wished you’d called first.

Mrs. Geller: Oh that’s all right, I’m coming back later with your father.

Ross: Oh good.

Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.

Ross: Okay, what’s up?

Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.)

Ross: Ma, you’re asking me to marry you?

Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmother’s engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.

Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you.

Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out!

Ross: N-no! Okay? We’ve been through this! We’re not gonna get married just because she’s pregnant, okay?

Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isn’t just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family.

Ross: Mom, y’know what? I-I can’t deal with this right now. I’m sorry…

Mrs. Geller: Just…think about it. If you don’t, I’ll talk more about humping.

Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)

Rachel: Hi!

Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear!

Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!

(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Ross is explaining to the gang what happened with his mother.]

Ross: …she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I’m not with Rachel.

Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) Why aren’t you with Rachel?

Ross: Are you kidding? Look, we’re not gonna be together just because we’re having a baby. Okay?

Phoebe: But y’know what? It just seems that you two belong together.

Ross: Okay, stop it! I can’t deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.

Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)

Joey: God. He’s crazy! Why doesn’t he want to be with Rachel?

Phoebe: I know!

Joey: I mean seriously, she’s like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadn’t and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and… (Realizes everyone is staring.) I haven’t bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken the place of Marc and Julie.]

Ross: (To Rachel) Hey. Who’s that?

Rachel: New people.

Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?

Rachel: They’re having their baby! It’s not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.

Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?

Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!

Ross: Yeah? Okay.

Rachel: Ooh! Ow!!

Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!

Sick Bastard: No!

Evil Bitch: Don’t you look at her you sick bastard!

Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasn’t looking at her!

Evil Bitch: She’s in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!

Ross: Umm. Umm, I’m-I’m just gonna—(Closes the privacy screen.)

Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert!

Ross: No-no, I’m…I’m sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)

Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?

Ross: Just ignore them.

(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: What? What?

Rachel: He’s looking at me.

Ross: (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!

Evil Bitch: Don’t you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard!

(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)

[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking at the babies as Monica walks up.]

Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it!

(The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)

Monica: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?

Chandler: I’m not crazy about babies. I’m crazy about us.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Look, we’ve always talked about having babies someday. I’m not saying it has to be right now, but I’m starting to think that we can handle it. We’re good. We’re really good.

Monica: We are pretty good.

Chandler: But nothing has to happen until your ready.

Monica: Well maybe I’m ready now. I mean, it’s a little scary, but maybe it’s right.

Chandler: What?! It’s not right! We’re not ready to have a kid now!!

Monica: What?!!

Chandler: I’m kidding. This is going to be fun.

Monica: So we’re gonna try? I mean, are we trying?

Chandler: We’re trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Y’know I’m not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?

Monica: Okay, hold on a sec.

Chandler: Period math?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now.

Chandler: Right here?

Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.

Chandler: Wait a minute, it’s perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we’re in a building that’s full of beds!

Monica: And it’s so clean!!

(They run off in search of a bed.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.]

Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!

Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money?

Joey: (looking at her) No.

Phoebe: All right, I’ll see you downstairs then.

Joey: All right.

Phoebe: All right.

Joey: Hey I got one! I got one!

[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg extended.]

Man: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi.

Man: Oh uh, up or down?

Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but can’t.) I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)

Man: Could you press up too please?

Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.

Man: Oh yeah? How’d yours happen?

Phoebe: Well, it’s a long story. It’s kind of embarrassing. Let’s just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?

Man: Car accident.

Phoebe: Oh.

Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasn’t paying attention?

Man: Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, that’s me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it you’re just visiting someone.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah.

Man: Well umm, if you have sometime y’know and maybe you might want to visit someone else…

Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that.

Man: I’m in the middle… (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.)

Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!

Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]

Ross: The nurse said they’re bringing in another woman.

Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn’t need to be; she’ll still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some support.)

Ross: That’s it. That’s it.

(The next couple enters.)

Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.

Rachel: Yeah it was.

Woman: Mine haven’t been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!

(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)

[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is.]

Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient I’m looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, he’s like early to mid-thirties, very attractive.

Nurse: I think I know who you’re talking about.

Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in?

Nurse: I’m sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff…

Joey: (walks up) Uh, she’s with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Remoray.

Nurse: Dr. Drake who?

Joey: Remoray. It’s Portuguese. We need that information; I’m a doctor.

Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?

Joey: Damnit woman we’re losing precious time! Now do you want this man’s blood on your head?

Phoebe: Hands.

Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. He’s a patient of mine, I’ve been treating him for years!

Nurse: He’s in room 816.

Joey: 816, thank you!

Phoebe: Thank you. (Starts to exit.)

(Joey starts to leave, but stops.)

Joey: And what is his name?

Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)

[Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.]

Monica: I think we found a place.

Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing.)

Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?

Chandler: Okay. Uh, we’ll dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds it’s not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)

Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.

(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)

Monica: Okay. Let’s hurry—Oh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)

Chandler: Yes, 98.6. You’re gonna be fine.

[Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.]

Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, that’s him! That’s him!

Joey: Great! Go get him.

Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.

Joey: (looks in the window) He’s not really my type.

Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see what’s he like. People tell doctors everything.

Joey: But you said he was this great guy!

Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.

Joey: You do attract some stinkers.

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again.]

Rachel: Dr. Long, I’ve been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?

Dr. Long: Three.

Ross: Just three?! I’m dilated three!

Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Don’t worry, you’re doing great. I’ll be back soon. (Exits.)

Rachel: Hey, y’know what? I’m not waiting! I’m gonna push this baby out! I’m doing it! I mean it’s what? Three centimeters? That’s gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)

Ross: Actually it’s more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch apart.)

Rachel: Oh stupid metric system!

(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)

Doctor: Oh my. We’re gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.

Rachel: Oh for the love of God!

Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the hallway) It’s coming! It’s coming!

Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)

Rachel: Oh come on!!

[Scene: Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is entering.]

Joey: Hi! I’m Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.

Man: Really? I’ve been dealing with Dr. Wells.

Joey: I know, but I’m a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.

Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.

Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.

Man: Clifford Burnett.

Joey: Date of birth?

Cliff: November 16th, 1968.

Joey: Age?

Cliff: Can’t you figure that out based on my date of birth?

Joey: I’m a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.

Cliff: I’m 33.

Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.

Cliff: No.

Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?

Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?

Joey: (checking the list) Yes.

Cliff: Well uh if you must know I’m a widower.

Joey: Oh that’s terrible. I’m-I’m really sorry.

Cliff: Yeah.

Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?

Cliff: No.

Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff y’know, sexually?

Cliff: No!

Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, they’re brining in yet another woman.]

Nurse: (calling to the woman) This room’s available.

Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, that’s four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I’m next! It’s my turn! It’s only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me I’m going to sue you! Not this hospital, I’m going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) he’s a lawyer!

Ross: Uh Rach…

Rachel: Go get back on that case honey!

Nurse: I don’t think the next patient is very far along.

Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in.

(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)

Woman: OH….MY….GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, it’s Janice.)

(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued from earlier.]

Janice: I….can’t….believe this!

Ross: And yet somehow it’s true!

Janice: I mean this is so great! We’re gonna be baby buddies! (Does the laugh.)

Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby’s ears!

Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!

Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I don’t think you’ve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist’s office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)

Sid: I still can’t believe it! I’m the luckiest guy in the world!

Ross: (softly) Really?

Sid: (To Janice) What’d he say?

Janice: Oh y’know what? You have to speak very loudly when you’re talking to Sid, because he’s almost completely deaf.

Rachel: Oh!

Ross: Oh there you go!

Rachel: I get it!

Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didn’t even know you got married.

Rachel: Oh we-we didn’t.

Ross: No-no. We…

Janice: What?!

Ross: Um uh…We’re-we’re just having this baby together but uh, uh that’s all.

Janice: Why?!!

Ross: Uh well umm…we’re just not in that place, y’know? But we’re very excited about this.

Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.)

Rachel: Just tell me how.

Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.)

Ross: Sid you lucky deaf bastard.

[Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.]

Phoebe: What else? What else?

Joey: Uh, well he’s 33.

Phoebe: Oh. Ah-uh.

Joey: A widower.

Phoebe: Oh.

Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he’s not into anything weird sexually.

Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.

[Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.]

Chandler: Should we tell Rachel there’s an empty private room right next door to hers?

Monica: We could, or we can have sex in it.

Chandler: Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!

(They start making out again.)

Monica: (lying down on the bed) Okay mister! Fertilize me!

(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)

Monica: Does that sound like Janice?

Chandler: If it’s not, then there’s two of them. And that would mean it’s the end of the world!

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice.]

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hi.

Rachel: Oh hi.

Monica: I can’t believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?

Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you’re trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass?

Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear—(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)—Mother of God it’s true!

Janice: Chandler Bing!

Chandler: Jan-Janice!

Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.

Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.

Chandler: Janice I didn’t even know you were pregnant! Who’s the unwitting human who’s essence you’ve stolen?

Janice: It’s you. This is yours.

Chandler: What?!

Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven’t slept together in years! (Laughs again.)

Chandler: That’s funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?

[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.]

Phoebe: Okay I’ve got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?

Cliff: I’d have to say…the talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that you’re making me eat him.

Phoebe: Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it? I’m sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.)

Cliff: No, I’m sorry. It’s just my foot itches like crazy.

Phoebe: Oh, I’ll get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)

Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.

Phoebe: Relax, it’s not like we’re forking.

[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain.]

Rachel: Oh that’s five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesn’t she want to come out?

Ross: Y’know what I think it is? I think you’ve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesn’t want to leave.

Rachel: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another contraction as Dr. Long enters.)

Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, you’re a hero.

Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.

Dr. Long: Actually, I think you’re ready to go to the delivery room.

Rachel: What?

Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, you’re about to become a mom.

Rachel: My God. Okay. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!

[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.]

Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.)

Phoebe: Y’know what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as Cliff sees something on TV.)

Cliff: Oh my God! That’s the doctor who was in my room before!

Phoebe: Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet.

Cliff: I’m telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions!

Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room?

Joey: (entering) Rachel’s having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, I’m a neurologist.

Cliff: That-that’s him! You know him?

Phoebe: Okay. Okay. I—Okay umm…this…I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm y’know, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than I’m coming off right now.

Cliff: I don’t believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?

Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)

Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.

Phoebe: You’re right, that was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?

Cliff: I don’t think so.

Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brother’s triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!

Phoebe: Uh Joey, we’re trying to dial down the crazy.

Joey: Right!

Phoebe: Umm, look we don’t, we don’t really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don’t know about you but that doesn’t happen to me a lot.

Cliff: It doesn’t happen to me either.

Joey: Me neither.

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth.]

Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5…4…

Rachel: 3-2-1 oh!!

Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.

Rachel: I can’t. I can’t push anymore, I can’t.

Ross: Sweetie you’re doing great.

Rachel: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!

Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something.

Ross: What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God!

Rachel: Don’t say, “Oh my God!” Oh my God what?

Ross: What is that?

Dr. Long: It’s the baby’s buttock, she’s breech.

Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.

Rachel: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?

Dr. Long: She’s gonna be fine. Okay, she’s in a more difficult position so you’re gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!

Ross: Go!

Dr. Long: Rachel you’re gonna have to push even harder, nothing’s happening!

Rachel: I’m sorry, I can’t!

Ross: Yes you can!

Rachel: I can’t!

Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let’s go!

Rachel: I can’t. Please, you do it for me.

Ross: No! Come on let’s—One more time! One final push! Ready? 1…2…3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking him down.)

Dr. Long: Good!

Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing!

Rachel: Are you okay?

Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!

Dr. Long: Here we go!

Ross: Oh! Oh! She’s upside down but she’s coming! She’s coming!

Rachel: Oh God!

Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she’s here.

(The newest friend cries.)

Ross: Oh she’s…she’s perfect.

Rachel: Oh, she’s so tiny. (Starts crying) Where’d she go?

Ross: Oh it’s okay. They’re just-they’re just wrapping her up.

Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, she’s really tiny.

Dr. Long: Here she is!

(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, she’s looking at me. Hi! I know you.

Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?

Rachel: No, not yet.

Dr. Long: That’s fine, for now we’ll just call her Baby Girl Green.

Rachel: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.

(Ross and Rachel look into each other’s eyes and kiss.)

Rachel: Hello baby girl.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of the gang enters.]

Phoebe: Can we come in?

Ross: Oh, come in.

Phoebe: Hi!

Joey: There she is!

Phoebe: Oh, she’s so beautiful.

Rachel: Here. (Hands her to Monica.)

Monica: Oh my God! She’s amazing. Oh, oh I’m so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!

Chandler: It’s incredible, I mean one minute she’s inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.

Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Y’know what I mean! She’s this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and…uh-oh.

Rachel: What?

Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we’re good.

Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! You’re so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I won’t.

(Rachel starts crying again.)

Monica: What’s the matter?

Rachel: Oh nothing I… Sorry, I just can’t stop crying.

Ross: The doctor says it’s completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-you’re sleep deprived.

Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.)

Joey: What’s the matter now?

Rachel: I was reliving it.

Phoebe: Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)

Chandler: So, do you know what you’re gonna call her yet?

Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute it’s not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!

Ross: Uh actually, we-we’ve narrowed it down to two names.

Rachel: Yeah, and y’know what? I love them both, so why don’t you just pick one and that’ll be it.

Ross: Wow! Umm, okay uh…everyone…this…is Isabella. (Rachel starts crying.) What?

Rachel: That’s not her name! I’m sorry, she just doesn’t feel like an Isabella.

Chandler: So then I guess Ferdinad is out.

Joey: What was the other one Ross?

Ross: Umm, Delilah.

Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.

Ross: So I guess we’re back to uh, Baby Girl.

Phoebe: Yay!

Rachel: Well what are we going to do?

Monica: It’s okay honey, you’ll find a name.

Ross: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be.

Chandler: You do?

Monica: Yeah, I’ve had them picked out since I was fourteen.

Chandler: Oh no, it’s gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn’t it?

Rachel: Well tell us! What are they?

Monica: Umm, okay. If it’s a boy it’s Daniel.

Rachel: And if it’s a girl?

Monica: I don’t want to say.

Rachel: Oh, just tell us! We’re not gonna want it!

Monica: Okay. It’s Emma.

Rachel: (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I don’t want it.

Monica: Take it.

Rachel: What?

Monica: It’s clearly an Emma.

Rachel: Oh honey, but you love that name.

Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides y’know, nothing goes with Bing. So I’m screwed. I mean… (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, that’s you. You’re our little Em. Oh what’s that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!

[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.]

Chandler: That was amazing.

Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.

Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.

[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]

Janice: (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his future bride.

Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn’t he?

Janice: He’s a keeper. How are you feeling?

Rachel: Oh, I’m fine. (Gasps in pain as she sits down.)

Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you’re doing. Just raising her all alone.

Rachel: Oh, I’m not doing it alone. I have Ross.

Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?

Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, it’s Ross!

Janice: I’m telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they’re gonna be there until they start their real family.

Rachel: Well I—That’s never gonna happen with Ross.

Janice: Oh well that’s what I thought about my first husband, now I’m lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.

Rachel: Really?

Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.

Rachel: Well… That’s…y’know—That’s—We’ve been alone for the last twenty minutes we’re doing okay. Besides y’know what? I-I—Maybe we won’t be alone, ‘cause lately I-I—things have been happening between me and Ross, y’know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Y’know? So it might be the…the beginning of something.

Ross: (entering) Hey Janice!

Janice: Oh hi!

Ross: Who’s this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)

Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.

Ross: No-no. No.

Janice: I’m gonna leave the three of you alone.

Ross: Okay.

Janice: Bye. (Exits.)

Ross: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?

Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Y’know what I was, I was thinking about?

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: Umm…that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh?

Ross: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we…we gotta be careful. We…we can’t let that happen again, y’know?

Rachel: (pause) Right.

Ross: I mean we don’t want to go down that road do we?

Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. That’s why I brought it up. (Pause) They didn’t have any sodas?

Ross: Oh my God! I’m sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.

Rachel: That’s all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins.

[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up.]

Phoebe: Is she in there?

Ross: Yeah. She’s putting her down now, that’s her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma now.)

Phoebe: Oh!

Ross: Look at Emma!

Phoebe: I just can’t decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?

Ross: Oh what are you kidding? She’s gorgeous, it’s all Rachel.

(Pause)

Phoebe: I’m sorry, for the last time, why aren’t you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because you’re not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.

Ross: It’s…it’s complicated okay?

Phoebe: Yeah that’s true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.

Ross: Look, we’ve been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) It’s just if-if we got together again and it didn’t work out…I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everything—(Starts to cry.) Oh that’s…now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I we’re doing really, we’re doing really well right now.

Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.

Ross: Yeah, exactly.

Phoebe: Right. (Pause) Or you might get everything you’ve wanted since you were fifteen.

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices she’s wiping her eyes.) What’s the matter?

Rachel: Nothing.

Joey: What is it? Hey!

Rachel: Really it’s nothing. I’m just…

Joey: Rach come on, what?

Rachel: I’ve just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone.

Joey: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?

Rachel: Oh please, he’ll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs.

Joey: Okay, how long was I watching that woman?

Rachel: I’m just saying that y’know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and…he’s gonna have his own life. Right?

Joey: Yeah, I guess so.

Rachel: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?

Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to me…you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise that’s not gonna happen.

Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without you?

(They hug.)

Joey: You don’t have to worry about that okay?

(Pause)

Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They’re right on that chair under Ross’s coat.

Joey: Sure.

Rachel: Okay.

(He moves Ross’s coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it’s an engagement ring.)

Joey: My God.

Rachel: Joey.

(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)

Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.

(Joey is stunned.)

[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel’s room.]

[Fade to black.]

Closing Credits

{Transcriber’s Note: As with all the cliffhangers, there was no credits scene. There will be a ninth and final season of Friends starting sometime in September. See you then, have a good summer everyone.}

End

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Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is showing everyone a poster as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey! What are you guys looking at?

Joey: Oh, it’s a poster for that World War I movie that I’m in, check it out.

Ross: Yeah? Wow! It looks really violent!

Joey: Uh-huh! I know. I’m coming soon to a theater near you! I’m in THX! I’m unsuitable for children!

Ross: Now I cannot wait to see this.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, it’s already generating Oscar buzz.

Phoebe: I started that!

Joey: I thought I did! Oh hey guess what? The premiere is next week and you’re all invited! (They all gasp.)

Monica: Are we gonna take a limo?

Joey: Sure! Why not?!

Monica: Oh I love taking limos when nobody died!

Rachel: Well obviously I won’t be able to come, for those of you who haven’t checked their calendars today is my due date. Well y’know, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great you’ve been during this time. I really couldn’t have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant.

[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, and Rachel is entering still pregnant.]

Rachel: That’s right, still no baby! (To Monica, Joey, and Chandler on the couch) Come on people! Please make some room!

Ross: Uh sweetie, maybe you’d be more comfortable here? (Gets up from the green armchair.)

Rachel: You. Like you haven’t done enough.

Ross: Look, I-I know how miserable you are, I wish there was something I can do. I mean I wish I were a seahorse. (She glares at him) Because with seahorses it’s the male, they carry the babies. And then also umm, I’d be far away in the sea. (He sits back down.)

(Rachel turns and looks at the group on the couch and they move over. Chandler measures the room they’ve made with his arm and decides it’s not enough and they all move over again.)

Rachel: God. (Sits down.) I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life!

Phoebe: Oh I know, I’ve been there. I remember toward the end…

Rachel: (interrupting her) Oh Phoebe, that’s a great story. Can you tell it to me when you’re getting me some iced tea? (Phoebe gets up and Rachel groans.) (To the baby) Oh God, get out! Get out!! Get out!! Get out!!

Chandler: Let’s. (Everyone gets up and leaves Rachel.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are there as Rachel enters.]

Chandler: Hey! Did you have the baby yet?

Rachel: Do you want me to come over there and sit on you? ‘Cause I’ll do it.

Monica: What are you doing here so early?

Rachel: They sent me home from work. They were like, “Start your maternity leave now! Just rest, get ready for the baby.” Well y’know what? Screw ‘em! If they don’t want me there, I’ll just hang out with you guys.

Phoebe: Or you can do volunteer work.

(Joey’s cell phone rings and he answers it.)

Joey: Hello?

Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! Great news, I was able to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere.

Joey: One guest? You told me I can have six tickets!

Estelle: Well, I sold four of them on Ebay. You’ll be sitting next to HotGuy372.

Joey: Oh my God. So that’s it?! I only get to bring one guest?

Estelle: Yeah, what time do you wanna pick me up? (Joey hangs up on her.) Hello?

Joey: (to Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe) Did you hear that? I only get one extra ticket to my premiere. So some how I have to pick between you three and Ross.

Rachel: (overhearing that) What-what about me?

Joey: You said you didn’t want to go.

Rachel: I don’t. But I would still like to be acknowledged. What? Just because I’m pregnant you think I’m invisible.

Joey: Definitely not invisible.

Monica: Well, well Ross didn’t care enough to be here, so I think he’s out. You snooze you lose.

Chandler: He’s not snoozing, he’s teaching a class.

Monica: Well then somebody’s snoozing. Joey, not that this uh should affect you at all, but if you were to pick me, I was planning on wearing a sequined dress, cut down to here. (Points to her stomach just above her belly button.)

Chandler: I haven’t seen this dress.

Monica: Star in a movie.

Phoebe: Joey, you pick who ever you want. Okay? You just listen to your heart. What does it tell you? (Mimicking a heartbeat and tapping her chest.) Phoebe, Phoebe.

Joey: Well uh…I think I want to take Chandler.

Phoebe: (still mimicking a heartbeat, only faster) Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe—Burrrrr! (Mimics the sound of a cardiac monitor going off.)

Chandler: You really want to take me?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah! I mean I’m sorry, I wish I can take everybody, but y’know Chandler always supported my career. He’s paid for acting classes and head shots and stuff and well this will be my way of paying you back.

Chandler: So you’re never actually going to pay me back?

Monica: Wait a minute, just because he paid for your head shots you’re gonna take him? Joey, I don’t think you’re comprehending just how slutty this dress is!

Joey: It’s not just the stuff he paid for, I mean it’s-it’s everything. Y’know? He read lines with me. He-he went with me on auditions when I was really nervous, and then he consoled me after I didn’t get parts that I really wanted. You always believed in me man. Even, even when I didn’t believe in myself.

Chandler: I always knew you were gonna make it. I’m so proud of you.

Joey: Thanks. That means a lot to me.

(They look at each other and smile for a while.)

Phoebe: Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress.

Joey: (in a manly voice) I’m gonna go shave. (Gets up.)

Chandler: (in a manly voice) Yeah well, I’m gonna go spit. (He goes into the bedroom. On his way out, Joey gives Rachel a wide berth.)

Rachel: Oh, I have to pee. If I don’t come out in five minutes it’s because I’ve choked to death on the potpourri stink. (Goes into the bathroom.)

Phoebe: When she comes out, you hold her nose, I’ll blow in her mouth, and the kid will just (makes a popping sound) right out of her.

Monica: She’s over a week late! She gotta have it today, right?

Phoebe: I don’t know. I-I think it’s still gonna be a while.

Monica: Hmm, care to make it interesting? I’ll bet you that she’ll have it by this time tomorrow.

Phoebe: You’re on!

Monica: Okay, how much?

Phoebe: One hundred thousand dollars!

Monica: How about fifty bucks?

Phoebe: Fine! I’ll call Zurich and move some money around.

Rachel: (calling from the bathroom) All right, who’s turn is it to help me get up!

(They both look at each other, then Phoebe gets an idea.)

Phoebe: No one’s here! (Monica looks at her.) Oh damnit!

[Scene: The World Premiere of Over There, Joey and Chandler are arriving in a limo and are about to walk down the red carpet.]

Chandler: This is so exciting! It’s so glamorous! People taking our picture. How do I look?

Joey: A little tall.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Do you mind crouching down a little bit, so that I look taller? (Chandler does so) There you go. (And they walk down the red carpet.)

Chandler: It’s just so glamorous.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is entering, still pregnant.]

Phoebe: Oh hey Mon? Rach is here! Ohh, you’re still pregnant. Oh, I’m sorry. I know how uncomfortable you are. Y’know what? You look great. Yeah, like fifty bucks.

Rachel: Oh, I have to go pee. Apparently this baby thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy. (Goes to the bathroom.)

Monica: Damnit! Damnit!! Here’s your fifty bucks! (Pays Phoebe.)

Phoebe: It’s interesting that you lost. Now, I forget, do you like to lose?

Monica: Now stop it! Double or nothing that she has it by tomorrow!

Phoebe: Fine! You’re on!

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: Until then, General Grant, why don’t you set up camp (She puts the bill in her bra) right there.

Ross: (entering) Hey is Rachel here? We have a doctor’s appointment.

Monica: She’s in the bathroom.

Ross: Rach, we gotta go.

Rachel: In a minute!!!

Ross: People ask me why we’re not together, I just don’t know what to tell them.

Rachel: (entering) All right, all right. Let’s go!

Ross: Uh, do you wanna go change first? The doctor’s keeping the office open late for us, but if you hurry…

Rachel: No, I’m fine.

Ross: Really? You don’t think that’s a little inappropriate. (She’s wearing a tank top and has her belly sticking out.)

Phoebe: Good God man don’t anger it.

Rachel: Ross, it is 100 degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am somewhat comfortable.

Ross: Fine! Fine! Y’know what? Whatever you want. Okay? You’re the mommy.

Rachel: Oh uh-uh pal! Don’t call me mommy! It’s bad enough you call your own mother that. (He looks at Monica.)

Monica: I’m actually with her on this one.

[Scene: Inside Joey’s Premiere, he is intently watching the movie.]

Joey: (onscreen) “I thought I knew who the enemy was, but it was you all along.”

Joey: (To Chandler) Okay, this is it. It’s my big fight scene coming up. (He looks over and Chandler and notices that he’s asleep.)

[Scene: Dr. Long’s Office, Ross and Rachel are waiting for the doctor. Ross is drumming his fingers on the bed.]

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Can I ask you something?

Ross: Uh-huh.

Rachel: When Carol was pregnant with Ben…

Ross: Mmm?

Rachel: …were you this irritating?

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: Excuse me?!

Ross: Oh nothing. Nothing! Just uh, you’ve been a little short with me lately. I’m not trying to irritate you.

Rachel: Well then you just must have a natural talent for it.

Ross: Y’know what? The doctor will be in soon, why don’t we not speak until then.

Rachel: (silently) Okay. (Pause) Seriously, breathe louder Ross! That’s great!

Ross: Y’know we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that’s half human and half pure evil!

(Dr. Long enters.)

Rachel: Hi Dr. Long, how are you?

Ross: (to Rachel) Oh, you’re nice to her.

Rachel: She has the drugs!

Dr. Long: We’ll do a quick check.

Rachel: Okay. (Rachel lies back.)

Dr. Long: So, eight days late huh?

Rachel: Yeah.

Dr. Long: You must be a little uncomfortable.

Rachel: Eh, just a tad.

Dr. Long: You’re about 80 percent effaced, so you’re on your way. It still could last a little while longer. If you’re anxious there are a few ways to help things along.

Ross: Do them!!

Dr. Long: Actually, they’re things you can do. Just some home remedies, but in my experience I’ve found that some of them are quite effective.

Rachel: Well, we are ready to try anything.

Dr. Long: Okay, there’s an herbal tea you can drink.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Long: You can take some caster oil, there’s eating spicy foods…

Rachel: Great! We will do all of those.

Dr. Long: …taking a long walk, and then there’s the one that’s proved most effective: sex.

(Rachel turns and looks at Ross.)

Ross: You’ve got to be kidding me!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey’s Premiere, the movie is ending and it takes the applause to wake up Chandler.]

Chandler: Good job Joe! Well done! Top notch!

Joey: You liked it? You really liked it?

Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, yeah!

Joey: Which part exactly?

Chandler: The whole thing! Can we go?

Joey: Oh no-no-no, give me some specifics.

Chandler: I love the specifics, the specifics were the best part!

Joey: Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? Did-did you like that part?

Chandler: I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.

Joey: You fell asleep!! There was no kangaroo! They didn’t take any of my suggestions! That’s for coming buddy. I’ll see you later. (Starts to walk out.)

Chandler: Don’t go! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! (Sees another guy who is still asleep.) Look! This guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at him! (Looks at him more closely.) Or, call an ambulance.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Rachel are there as Phoebe and Monica enter.]

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come?

Rachel: No. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.

Ross: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked.

Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we haven’t tried, but someone thinks that, (mimicking Ross) “That will open up a can of worms.”

Monica: Well what is it? What is it? If it’s gonna help bring the baby here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it.

Ross: It’s sex.

Monica: Do it!

Ross: Monica!

Monica: I’m just saying it’s been a really long time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it, get yours!

Phoebe: Oh I-I don’t know about that. No, I think that if the two of you had sex the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic.

Monica: All right, let’s be practical, if Ross isn’t willing to do it, he’s not the only guy in the world you can have sex with. You can borrow Chandler—Chandler is good!

Ross: Monica, what is the matter with you?

Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.

Rachel: Why? Why today?

Monica: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you’re gonna have the baby and I don’t want to lose again!

Ross: What?! While she’s been going through this hell, you’ve been making money?! You’re betting on your friend staying in this misery?! (Phoebe lowers her head and shakes it yes.)

Rachel: I’ll take that bet.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Well, I’m miserable here! I might as well make some money out it!

Ross: Can I get some of that action?

Monica: Wait a minute! Now I’m betting against all three of you?

Rachel: Oh honey, don’t worry. I really do feel like tomorrow’s the day.

Monica: Oh, okay!

(Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and mouths, “No way.”)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is there as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey! Sleeping beauty!

Chandler: Where have you been?! I tried to call you! I want to talk to you! I still feel so bad!

Joey: (in a baby voice) Oh no, were you upset? Did you lose sleep?

Chandler: I’m so sorry.

Joey: Uh-huh look, the only reason I can over here was to settle things between us! Okay? You’ve done a lot for me and my career, I wanted to pay you back so I took you to the premiere but you missed it! Okay, so how much do I owe you?

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Give me a number, I don’t want to owe you anything!

Chandler: You don’t owe me anything, I don’t want you money…

Joey: Ah-ah-ah! We’re doing this! Okay, now you got me my first set of head shots. Right, how much were those?

Chandler: I don’t know, five hundred dollars?

Joey: Okay, five hundred dollars. What else?

Chandler: Well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots.

Joey: Okay, so that’s another five hundred. Five hundred and five hundred, that’s… (Pauses to figure it out.)

Chandler: Do you want a calculator?

Joey: Please!

Chandler: Here! (Hands him one. Joey adds it up and discovers that he was right.)

Joey: All right, what else?

Chandler: Well uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap classes…

Joey: Which we’re still keeping under our hats!

Chandler: Uh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play where you needed a southern accent. Which after twenty hours of lessons still came out Jamaican.

Joey: What the hell are you talking about, (in a Jamaican accent) “The south will rise again man.”

Chandler: Yes, money well spent!

Joey: Yeah. Okay, what else? Rent!

Chandler: Okay, two, three years of rent, utilities, food…

Joey: Okay. Okay, so I’m writing you a check for…So you fell asleep during my movie. Big deal right? How do you clear this thing?

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel are trying the home remedies again.]

Ross: Come on, finish your enchilada.

Rachel: Ross I—We tried all the spicy food. It’s not working.

Ross: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh ha… Oh God! So…so hot! (Rubs his eyes.) Oh my—(Laughs.) By the way, you don’t want to touch the pepper and then touch your eye.

Rachel: I am feeling nothing. Speaking of hot, watching you do that really makes me want to have sex with you.

Ross: Stop it.

Rachel: Oh come on Ross, why are we wasting our time with this other stuff?! We know what’s gonna work! It’s doctor recommended!

Ross: I’m sorry, but we have to have some boundaries! My God, I’m dying.

Rachel: Oh come on Ross, we’ve done it before we’ll do it again, it’ll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy.

Ross: This is insane, I’m not gonna make love to you just so that you’ll go into labor.

Rachel: Make love? What are you a girl?

Ross: Always a great way to get in a man’s pants.

Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just-just think of me as a ketchup bottle, y’know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out.

Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me.

Rachel: Oh, I know it. You’re right. That’s not sexy. Oh…Oh! (Drops a fork on the floor.) Whoops! Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork. Let me just bed over and get it. (Tries too, but can’t quite seem to make it.) Oh God!

Ross: Okay enough! This is, this is not going to happen.

Rachel: Come on Ross! I’m miserable here! Come on! You started this, now you finish it! Come on wuss, make love to me.

Ross: Y’know what?

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Forget it.

Rachel: Oh wow! What now Ross you’re not gonna talk? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, I know. (Mimics his breathing.) I mean you’d think the damn jalepeno would’ve cleared up your sinuses, but no!! That’s not enough… (Ross jumps over and kisses her.) What are you doing?!

Ross: I’m getting that baby out of you!

(They kiss again.)

Rachel: (breaking the kiss) Oh God!

Ross: Oh, I know.

Rachel: Oh no. No-no! I think my water just broke.

Ross: I am good. Okay! Okay! Uh, I got the pillow! I got the bag! You got the keys?

Rachel: Okay! I got the keys! Okay! Okay!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: We’re having a baby.

(They hug and then kiss one more time.)

Rachel: I didn’t uh, really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think we have time to…

Ross: Not so much.

Rachel: Okay.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is paying Phoebe.]

Monica: Two hundred.

Phoebe: Thank you!

Monica: That’s it. I’m done. I don’t care when the baby comes, no more betting.

Phoebe: Okay.

(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hello? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up.) I guess we can bet one more time.

Phoebe: Is Rachel having the baby?

Monica: How did you know that?! (Runs to yell at Joey’s apartment.) Joey! Chandler!! It’s time!

Phoebe: They’re at the coffeehouse.

Monica: You know everything!! Oh wait, double or nothing. I bet you the baby is over seven pounds. (Phoebe isn’t interested.) I bet you it has hair. (She’s still not interested.) I bet you it’s a girl.

Phoebe: We know it’s a girl! (Exits.)

Monica: (following her) I’ll give you really good odds.

End

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Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Story by: Dana Klein Borkow
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Monica as Ross enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers.]

Ross: Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the table.)

Phoebe: Well that’s no way to sell newspapers. Why don’t you try, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!”

Ross: No, Monica’s restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all gasp.) I didn’t want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.)

Joey: Man, this is bad! And I’ve had my share of bad reviews. I still remember my first good one though. (Quoting) “Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal.”

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a good review! Is it great?!

Ross: Umm…

Monica: (reading) Oh dear God!

Ross: But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know.

Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?!

Ross: Yeah, they all know.

Monica: Oh my God, this is horrible!

Chandler: I’m so sorry.

Monica: I’m so humiliated!

Rachel: Yeah but y’know what they say Mon, “There’s no such thing as bad press.”

Monica: You don’t think that umm, (reading) “The chef’s Mahi Mahi was awful awful,” is bad press?

Rachel: I didn’t write it.

Monica: Is he right? Am I really—Am I awful?

All: No!

Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And I’m not just saying this because I’m your friend, I’m sayin’ it ‘cause it’s the truth. You’re food is abysmal!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, it’s late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.]

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: (startling him) What?! What?

Rachel: I am freaking out!

Ross: Are ya?

Rachel: My due date is in one week!

Ross: What are you doing up?

Rachel: That is seven days!

Ross: Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after…

Rachel: (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service!

Ross: It’s funny you should mention diapers.

Rachel: I’m serious.

Ross: Okay look, there’s nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There’s a great baby furniture store on west 10th. Tomorrow, we will go there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay?

Rachel: Okay. Thank you. That’s great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on west 10th? Because there’s this really cute shoe store that has like this little…

Ross: (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if you’re gonna do this, then I’m gonna do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So… (Starts for the bathroom.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Oh, wait Ross! I’m sorry, one more thing!

Ross: (annoyed) Yeah!

Rachel: Umm, our situation. Y’know umm, what we mean to each other. And I mean we-we’re having this baby together, and we live together. Isn’t that, isn’t that weird?

Ross: (stunned) (thinks) Well uh…

Rachel: I’m just kidding! You can go pee! (He does so in a hurry.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is cooking as Chandler looks on.

Joey: (entering) Hey uh Monica, I can’t remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here or at the movies?

Monica: We said at the movies, but…

Joey: Okay, I’ll see you there. (Starts to leave)

Monica: Joey! (He returns) Now that you’re here…

Joey: Sure, I can hang out ‘til I have to meet ya. (To Chandler) What uh—How come you’re not going?

Chandler: I have a job interview I have to get ready for.

Joey: I thought you already have a job.

Chandler: And people say you don’t pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It’s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies.

Joey: Wow! How do you know how to do that?!

Chandler: That’s what I do now.

Monica: Hey Joey, come taste this.

Joey: What is it?

Monica: Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well… (Feeds him a spoonful of what she’s cooking.) I’m getting my revenge!

Joey: You cooked him?

Monica: No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! “Restaurant reviewer admits: I was wrong about Monica.”

Chandler: The front page? You really do live in your own little world, don’t ya?

[Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and Rachel are checking out.]

Cashier: Do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller?

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: Oh.

Rachel: No-no-no! No, no, no, we’re not married.

Ross: We are having a baby together, but we’re not involved. (The cashier, a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Or, yes stranger, we’d like this delivered please.

Cashier: Why don’t you fill out this address card. (Hands him one.)

Ross: Oh, okay.

Cashier: I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items.

Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, that’s one of the reasons why we’re not a couple.

Ross: I chose those, I’m a paleontologist.

Cashier: Really?! That is so cool!

Rachel: Oh. Oh yeah, don’t get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds like he’s a doctor, but he’s not.

Cashier: Oh no-no, I’m fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book?

Ross: Yeah! I-I teach it in my class.

Rachel: Oh my God! I’m standing at a cash register, holding a credit card, and I’m bored.

Cashier: (looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood. There’s a great gym right around the corner from your building.

Ross: That’s my gym.

Cashier: I can tell you work out. (Ross is please and Rachel looks at him confused.) A paleontologist who works out, you’re like Indiana Jones. (Rachel has a disbelieving look on her face.)

Ross: I am like Indiana Jones.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go?

Rachel: Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasn’t on the list. A whore.

Phoebe: What?!

Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him.

Phoebe: Well did she know you two weren’t married?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders!

Rachel: You don’t understand! You didn’t see how brazen she was.

Phoebe: Sounds like you’re a little jealous.

Rachel: No! I’m not! I-I-I just think it’s wrong! It’s-it’s that I’m—Here I am about to pop and he’s out picking up some shop girl at Sluts ‘R’ Us!

Phoebe: Is that a real place? (Rachel’s stunned) Are they hiring?

Chandler: (entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty!

Phoebe: Hey Chandler, why so fancy?

Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. It’s kinda a big deal too. Its a lot more money and I’d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.

Phoebe: Wait, I think I know someone who does that.

Chandler: Me! I do that. So… Seriously, do I look okay? I’m little nervous.

Rachel: Oh yeah! You really—You look great.

Phoebe: Yeah, just don’t get your hopes up.

Chandler: Why not?

Phoebe: Well, the interview…

Chandler: What about it?

Phoebe: Y’know! You don’t make a very good first impression.

Chandler: (shocked) What?!

Phoebe: Oh you don’t know.

Chandler: Are you serious?!

Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like, “Blah, blah, blah.” I was like, shhh!

Chandler: What is it that I do?

Phoebe: Well it’s just like you’re trying too hard. Always making jokes, y’know, you just—You come off a little needy.

Chandler: (To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met?

Rachel: Chandler, I’m not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. (Gets up and hurries out.)

[Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey are confronting the food critic.]

Monica: Hi! Umm, I’m Monica Geller, I’m the chef at Alessandro’s.

The Food Critic: Still?

Monica: I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.

The Food Critic: I don’t see any reason why I would do that to myself again.

Joey: Either eat it, or be in it.

Monica: Spoon? (Hands him one and he tastes it.) So, what do you think?

The Food Critic: I’m torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.)

Joey: Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there’s a new class comin’ in.

(They start to leave.)

The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bearnaise sauce? (No one can.)

Monica: I can.

The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead.

Monica: Well umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a bearnaise has shallots, shirvel, and most importantly tarragon.

The Cooking Teacher: That’s very good, what’s your name?

Monica: Monica.

The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class.

Monica: Okay. (Does so.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel are unpacking and setting up their new purchases.]

Rachel: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life?

Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (There’s a knock on the door and Ross answers it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what are you doing here?

Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A blanket.)

Ross: Ah, must’ve been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store.

Katie: Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job description.

Ross: Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.)

Katie: Oh uh…I actually came here to ask you out.

Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. I’m just gonna put this (The money) back in my pocket, pretend that didn’t happen. Uh yeah, actually I’m free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or…

Katie: Sure!

Rachel: Horny bitch. (They both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs she’s holding are arguing.) No! You’re a horny bitch! Noooo! You’re the horny bitch! No! You’re a horny bitch!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, continued from before.]

Rachel: So you guys go, have a really good time.

Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, I’m just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks worried.) Y’know because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not because I’m-I’m into S&M. (Katie’s worried again.) I’m not-I’m not into anything weird. Y’know? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, I’m gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel alone.)

Rachel: So, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy.

Katie: Are you okay with this?

Rachel: Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun.

Katie: Okay. It was nice to see you.

Rachel: Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you missed a button.

Katie: Oh umm, actually I umm…

Rachel: Oh okay, I see what you’re doing there.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler and Phoebe are entering.]

Chandler: I can’t even believe this! I really come off that badly?

Phoebe: Oh! It’s okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see how really sweet and wonderful you really are.

Chandler: Oh good. Good, because I’m sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks.

Phoebe: All right, don’t freak out! Okay? I-I will help you. How long before you have to leave?

Chandler: An hour.

Phoebe: I can’t help you.

Chandler: Phoebe!

Phoebe: All right, all right, we’ll just do our best. Okay? So let’s say I’m the interviewer and I’m meeting you for the first time. Okay. “Hi! Come on in, I’m uh, Regina Philange.”

Chandler: Chandler Bing.

Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name.

Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. (Pause) I’ll let myself out.

[Scene: The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook as the teacher walks over to him.]

Joey: Hi.

The Cooking Teacher: Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese?

Joey: When you say used, do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack?

The Cooking Teacher: And the cream?

Joey: Cheese makes me thirsty.

The Cooking Teacher: Okay. Let’s move on.

Joey: All right.

The Cooking Teacher: (To Monica) Oh! Something smells good over at Monica’s station! (She tries Monica’s fettuccini.) Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing! You’ve never made this before?

Monica: Oh no! I don’t know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what it’s called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles.

The Cooking Teacher: Well, hats off to the chef.

Monica: I-I-I’m sorry, your-your mouth was full, I didn’t hear what you said. Umm, hats off to who now?

The Cooking Teacher: The chef!

Monica: That’s right.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler and Phoebe are still working on his interviewing techniques.]

Chandler: …I think you’ll find if I come to work here, I don’t micro-manage. I don’t shy away from delegating.

Phoebe: Um-hmm, that’s good to know. But let’s stop focusing on what you don’t do, and start focusing on what you do do.

Chandler: (suppressing a smile) What I do do…is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.

Phoebe: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.

Chandler: Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Phoebe: You gotta go!

Chandler: Oh! (Stands up.)

Phoebe: Okay, don’t worry. You’re ready.

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: Absolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts and you’ll be great.

Chandler: Okay.

[Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the teacher is going around tasting them.]

The Cooking Teacher: Ah Monica, my star student.

Monica: Y’know, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me the star. (Hands it to her.)

The Cooking Teacher: (tasting the cookie and with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum. (Hands the star back.)

Monica: Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and I’m sorry, but I don’t care.

(The teacher goes to Joey’s station.)

The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, you’re up next. (Tries one of his cookies.) This are good! This is amazing! You get an A!

Joey: I can an A? In-in school? (To Joey) Hey, I’m a dork.

Monica: Joey! I’m so proud of you!

The Cooking Teacher: I think you should give him your star.

Monica: Excuse me? He doesn’t even know what he’s doing!

The Cooking Teacher: We’re all beginners here. Nobody knows what they’re doing.

Monica: I do! I’m a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax! It’s not a courtroom drama!

The Cooking Teacher: If you’re a professional chef, what are you doing taking Introduction to Cooking?

Joey: Yeah!

Monica: I’m-I’m sorry, it’s just that umm… Well I-I cook at this restaurant, Alessandro’s, and umm I just got a really bad review…

The Cooking Teacher: Oh Alessandro’s! I love that place!

Monica: You do?

The Cooking Teacher: Oh yes! You’re an excellent chef! As a person you’re a little…

Monica: Oh, I’m totally crazy, but you-you like the food?

The Cooking Teacher: Very much.

Monica: Okay then, I don’t stink. I’m a good chef. Okay. (Starts to leave.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I don’t want to go. I’m having fun.

The Cooking Teacher: Well actually, did either of you pay for this class?

Joey: Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it’s time to go, it’s time to go. (Starts to leave, but comes back for his cookies.)

[Scene: An Office Building, Chandler is on his interview.]

Chandler: …also I was the point person on my company’s transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system.

The Interviewer: You must’ve had your hands full.

Chandler: That I did. That I did.

The Interviewer: So let’s talk a little bit about your duties.

Chandler: (nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right.

The Interviewer: Now you’ll be heading a whole division, so you’ll have a lot of duties.

Chandler: (trying not to laugh) I see.

The Interviewer: But there’ll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them.

Chandler: (really try not to laugh) Good to know.

The Interviewer: We can go into detail…

Chandler: No don’t I beg of you!

The Interviewer: All right then, we’ll have a definite answer for you on Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, you’ll fit in well here.

Chandler: (relieved) Really?!

The Interviewer: Absolutely. (They walk to the door.) You can relax; you did great.

Chandler: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y’know I’ve been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn’t understand) Duties. (Still doesn’t.) Duties! (Still doesn’t.) Poo. (Still doesn’t.)

The Interviewer: Poo?

Chandler: Oh my God this doesn’t count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! There’s a crazy guy out in the hall!

The Interviewer: Poo?!

Chandler: I’ll look forward to your call. (Walks away.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Ross is returning from his date.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hi! You’re back from your date!

Ross: How are you?

Rachel: I’m fine, but that’s not important. What’s important is how was she?

Ross: Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.

Rachel: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.

Ross: What’s uh, what’s going on? Do you not, do you not like Katie?

Rachel: No! No, she’s—She was nice. I mean, she’s a little slutty, but who isn’t?

Ross: I liked her.

Rachel: Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones!

Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?!

Rachel: No! It’s just that, Kate bothered me.

Ross: Why? What was wrong with her?

Rachel: There was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely!

Ross: Okay, so what’s the matter?

Rachel: I don’t want you to date her!

Ross: (laughs) Why? What, what are you jealous?

Rachel: Yes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I don’t want you to go out with anybody! Okay? I know it’s a terrible thing to even think this, and it’s completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I’m very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: I won’t date. I’ll uh, I’ll be here, with you, all the time.

Rachel: Really? But I’m being so unreasonable.

Ross: True, but you’re allowed to be unreasonable. You’re having our baby.

(Pause.)

Rachel: (starting to cry) Oh Ross, thank you. Thank you. (They hug.)

Ross: Do you feel better?

Rachel: No, not really. You’re pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. (She gets up and starts for the bathroom.)

Ross: Uh Rach?

Rachel: Yeah. (Stops and starts doing the I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom dance.)

Ross: Just one thing umm…

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Ross: We live together. You’re having our baby. I’m not gonna see anybody else. Are you-are you sure you don’t want something more?

Rachel: (pause) Wow! I don’t know, maybe. I’m…

Ross: Oh-oh, Rach! I was just messin’ around! (She’s stunned) Like you did last night when I had to pee?

Rachel: (laughs) I knew that! I knew that! I was just messin’ with you too!

Ross: (pause) Okay. Okay. Because for a minute you said you…

Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no, no!

Ross: …that you actually…

Rachel: No that’s just—(Laughs)—That’s just ‘cause I’m such a good messer!

(They both laugh. Ross sits down, but Rachel doesn’t move and is lost in thought.)

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: The bathroom?

Rachel: Right! (Heads for the bathroom.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: The New School, Joey and Monica are walking down a hallway.]

Joey: Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that’s the first A I’ve gotten since seventh grade, and I didn’t have to sleep with the teacher this time.

Monica: Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself?

Joey: What the hell!

Monica: Okay.

(They enter.)

The Acting Teacher: All right, let’s start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?

(No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly.)

Joey: Yeah, this was a stupid idea. (Exits.)

End

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Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for Rachel’s baby shower.]

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: So what’s the final head count on my baby shower?

Phoebe: About twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do.

Monica: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it.

Rachel: What?! You mean they’re not coming to a social event where there’s no men and there’s no booze?! That’s shocking! I don’t care, as long as my mom’s here.

Monica: Oh my God, your mother!

Rachel: What?! My mom’s not gonna be here?!

Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.

Rachel: My God!

Monica: Well it wasn’t my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations!

Phoebe: Well I don’t, I don’t have a mother so often I forget that other people…

Monica: (interrupting her) Oh give it a rest!

Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?!

Phoebe: No. (Pause) Neither is mine.

Monica: Okay, y’know what? Don’t worry, okay? We’ll take care of it. We’ll call her. Just go home and get ready.

Rachel: Please, make sure she comes. It’s really important to me, I mean it’s my mom!

Phoebe: I know. I know, what’s her number?

Rachel: I don’t know.

Monica: Go! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel leaves and Monica calls Mrs. Green.) (To Phoebe) Wait a minute! If you’re in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call her—Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it’s Monica Geller.

Mrs. Green: Oh, hello Monica.

Monica: (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we’ve decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.

Mrs. Green: I know, my daughter’s told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.

Monica: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m-I’m so sorry.

Mrs. Green: For what dear? For not inviting me or lying about it?

Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh my God, my ass is sweating! (on phone) Please! Please! Can you come? It’s today at four.

Mrs. Green: Well all right. I’ll see you at four.

Monica: Thank you. (Hangs up.)

Phoebe: Isn’t it at three?

Monica: Son of a bitch! (Calls Mrs. Green again.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey’s Apartment, Joey is reading a script as Ross and Chandler enter carrying a basketball.]

Chandler: Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some hoops?

Joey: Oh no, I can’t go. I’m practicing; I got an audition to be the host of a new game show.

Ross: Oh cool!

Chandler: That’s great.

Joey: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day I’ll (In a sexy voice) Dr. Drake Remoray, but by night I’ll be (In an announcer’s voice) Joey Trrrribbiani!

Chandler: You’ll be perfect for this! That’s already your name!

Joey: But the audition’s in a couple hours and I don’t even understand the game.

Ross: Well do you want some help?

Joey: Oh really? That’d be great! You guys can be the contestants!

Ross: Awesome!

Chandler: Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.

Joey: (announcer voice) All right! Let’s play Bamboozled!

Chandler: Bamboozled?

Joey: Yeah, isn’t that a cool name?

Ross: (simultaneously with Chandler) Yeah!

Chandler: (simultaneously with Ross) No!

Joey: All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don’t you tell us a little something about you Ross?

Ross: Well uh, I-I’m a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! (Waves.) And uh…

Joey: I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler?

Chandler: Well Joey, I’m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.)

Joey: Excellent! Let’s play Bamboozled! Chandler, you’ll go first. What is the capital of Columbia?

Chandler: Bogota.

Joey: It’s Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango card.

Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do?

Joey: I should know that. Let’s see, just one moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.

Chandler: Higher or lower than what?

Joey: This is embarrassing. (Looks it up.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is?

Ross: I’m sorry, I don’t believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel’s baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen.]

Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five. That’s good right?

Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate!

Phoebe: What? He’s gonna be dressed as a baby! (Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi Mrs. Green!

Monica: Hi!

Phoebe: I’m so glad you could make it.

Monica: Yes, thank you so much. And again, we’re so sorry. We could not feel worse about it.

Mrs. Green: Try. There’s my little girl. (Goes over to Rachel.)

Monica: She’s still mad.

Phoebe: Yeah I know. Isn’t it great? One less person we have to make small talk with.

Monica: Phoebe, Sandra’s mad at you too. It-it doesn’t bother you?

Phoebe: No look, we’ve apologized twice! I can’t do anymore than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it.

Monica: Okay. I can do that. (Pause) I gotta go powder my ass.

[Cut to Rachel and Mrs. Green.]

Mrs. Green: Look at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I didn’t know better I’d say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on, let’s get some tea.

Rachel: Okay. (Mrs. Green helps her up and they walk over and get some tea.)

Mrs. Green: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I don’t want you to use your housekeeper ‘cause it would just split her focus.

Rachel: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I don’t even have a housekeeper.

Mrs. Green: It’s like you’re a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don’t know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay.

Rachel: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. (I think that’s your mother’s crazy.)

Mrs. Green: Such a sweet woman.

Rachel: Well, however great she was I just can’t afford that.

Mrs. Green: Oh Rachel!

Rachel: What?

Mrs. Green: I just had the greatest idea! I’m gonna come live with you!

Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What?

Mrs. Green: Oh, I’m so happy I’m gonna do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes.

Rachel: Yes. Yes I do.

[Scene: Joey’s Apartment, the guys are still playing Bamboozled.]

Joey: All right Ross you’re in the lead, would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?

Ross: The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, I’ll take another question.

Joey: Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath.

Ross: It’s okay, I’m ready.

Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until you’re ready to answer the question.

Chandler: This is ridiculous, he’s not gonna hold his breath… (Ross cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.)

Joey: Okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, Tris…Holy cow, that’s a big word. Trisc… Seriously look at this thing. Chandler, how do you say that?

Chandler: Let me see that.

Joey: This one right here. (Ross whines.)

Chandler: Triscadecaphobia.

Ross: (exhaling) The fear of Triscuts!

Joey: No! No, fear of the number 13.

Chandler: Fear of Triscuts?

Ross: It’s possible, they have really sharp edges.

Joey: All right Chandler, you’re up.

Ross: Wait a minute, I-I believe I’m entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn?

Chandler: This game makes no sense!

Ross: Y’know what? You’re just upset because you’re losing.

Chandler: Oh come on Ross, I think we’re all losers here.

Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.

Chandler: Let me think. Let me think—Oh! I don’t care.

Joey: You-you must choose Mr. Bing.

Chandler: Either, it makes no difference.

Joey: Choose, you jackass!

Chandler: I’ll take a card.

Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross’s points!

Ross: What?!

Chandler: This game is kinda fun.

Ross: (To Chandler) You don’t think it’s a little crazy that you get all my points just ‘cause you…

Chandler: I don’t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to Monica and Phoebe.]

Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?!

Monica: What?

Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.

Phoebe: For how long?

Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.

Monica: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.

Phoebe: She can’t hear you.

Rachel: What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do?

Phoebe: Well, if you don’t want your mother to move in with you, just tell her.

Rachel: You’re right. You’re right. I mean I’m about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don’t want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! She’s gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!

Monica: That’s right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you don’t want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer!

Rachel: Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.)

Monica: (To Phoebe) This is great! Now she’s gonna be mad at Rachel! Y’know what? And I’m just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.

Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! It’s time to open the presents!

Monica: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you’re the most important person in this room. And in the world!

Mrs. Green: Well uh, I don’t have a gift because I wasn’t invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone’s attention.

Phoebe: How about you less important people, let’s open your presents!

(Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel follows her.)

Rachel: Mom that’s okay that you didn’t get you a gift!

Mrs. Green: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me.

Rachel: Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own.

Mrs. Green: Sweetheart I know you’re gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning.

Rachel: But mom, I really know what I’m doing. I can handle this.

Mrs. Green: Really? Remember Twinkles?

Rachel: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby!

Phoebe: Okay, come on Rach it’s present time! Y’know you’re the glue that’s holding this whole party together. It’s kinda falling apart here.

Mrs. Green: Oh look.

Rachel: Wow!

Phoebe: Okay, this is from your friend at work.

Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (She’s holding an item with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That can’t be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby?

Mrs. Green: Darling, that’s a breast pump!

Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow! What’s this?

Woman: It’s a diaper genie.

Rachel: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers!

Woman: No! It’s where you put the dirty ones!

Rachel: Well that’s gross, why don’t you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster?

Mrs. Green: Oh you’re gonna do that ten times a day?

Rachel: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?!

Mrs. Green: No dear, that’s what babies do.

Monica: Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart.

Mrs. Green: Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you’re trotting out to the garbage ten times a day?

Rachel: I don’t know, I’d leave it on the changing table? (Everyone gasps.) What?! What’d I do? What’d I do?!

Mrs. Green: You can’t leave a baby alone!

Rachel: Oh come—(Stutters)—Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who would—she wouldn’t be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Y’know what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I’m just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful.

Woman: It’s actually a bassinet.

Rachel: Okay mommy, don’t ever leave me. (Hugs her.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey’s Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really into it.]

Joey: (To Chandler) In what John Houston film would you hear this line, “Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!”

Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre!

Joey: Correct! There’s a possible backwards bonus!

Chandler: Madre Sierra the of Treasure!

Joey: Yes!

Chandler: I’d like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please.

Joey: Wise choice, how many rungs?

Chandler: Six!

Joey: (makes a sound like a monkey) That noise can only me one thing.

Chandler: (disappointed and simultaneously as Ross) Hungry monkey.

Ross: (excited and simultaneously as Chandler) Hungry monkey! (To Chandler) Haaa! (To Joey) I’d like a Wicked Wango card!

Joey: Okay, it’s an audio question, name this television theme song. (Starts humming the theme to I Dream of Genie.)

Ross: (thinking) Oh. (Pause) Oh! Oh my God! Okay, I know this, give me-give me a second!

Chandler: Tell it to the Time Turtle!

Ross: Shut up! I Dream of Genie!

Joey: Yes! Yes, you’re back in the lead!

Ross: I’d like to spin the wheel!

(Joey makes a sound like a game show wheel spinning with the pointer bouncing off of the bars on the wheel as it slows and comes to a stop.)

Chandler: (annoyed) Oh come on!!

Joey: All right! All right! Uh, umm, Super-Speedy Speed round!

Ross: Is there a hopping bonus?

Joey: Of course!

(Ross gets up and starts to hop on one leg.)

Joey: Who invented bifocals?

Ross: Ben Franklin.

Joey: Correct! Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?

Ross: Queen Victoria.

Joey: Correct again! But, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus!

Ross: Noooo!!! Every time!!!

Joey: Now, over to Chandler.

Chandler: I’d like a Google Card.

Joey: Are you sure?

Chandler: Yes! (Pause) No! (Pause) Google!

Joey: Oh my God! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, you’ve been Bamboozled!

Chandler: Nooo!!

Ross: Yeah!!

Chandler: This is the best game ever!!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs. Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up.]

Rachel: So umm, you’re gonna stay with me as long as I need you?

Mrs. Green: Of course I am!

Rachel: Oh mom, I swear I’m not an idiot. I’ve read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didn’t think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby’s coming and I don’t know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie?

Mrs. Green: No. Sweetie, you’re gonna be fine. (Starts to get up.)

Rachel: Wait-wait where are you going? Where are you going?

Mrs. Green: I’m going to the bathroom.

Rachel: Okay.

Mrs. Green: Now don’t worry! Everything’s gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.)

Monica: It is going to be okay! (Mrs. Green glances over her shoulder and glares at Monica while she heads for the bathroom.) It was worth a shot.

Ross: (entering, out of breath) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty?

Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler! (Flexes in victory while everyone stares at him.) Which is not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower.

Phoebe: Not if you were here.

Ross: Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff.

Rachel: Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.

Ross: (excited) A Play-Dough Barber Shop?

Rachel: No. She’s going to live with us for eight weeks.

Ross: Uh, what?

Rachel: Yes! She’s gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that Ross isn’t happy.)

Ross: What—You’re not serious. I mean she’s a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. She’ll drive us totally crazy.

Mrs. Green: (entering from bathroom) Hi Ross!

Ross: Hi roomie! (Hugs her and looks at Rachel.)

[Scene: Joey’s Audition, Joey is being shown in.]

Man: Hey Joey, hi! I’m Ray; I’m the producer of the show.

Joey: (announcer voice) It’s a pleasure to meet you Ray.

Ray: And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, they’re gonna help us out with the audition. So uh, let’s get the camera rolling.

Joey: (announcer voice) Rightie-O Ray!

Ray: Whenever you’re ready.

Joey: (to the camera) Hello, I’m Joey Tribbiani! Let’s play Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One?

Erin: Wayne Gretzky.

Joey: Correct! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?

Ray: Uh Joey, didn’t your agents give you the revised rules? We’ve eliminated all of that. No wheel, no cards.

Joey: What—Why?!

Ray: Uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn’t follow it.

Joey: Well what’s complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You’re in Paradise Pond!

Ray: Yeah all that’s gone. It’s basically just a simple question and answer game now.

Joey: Well what’s fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that’s just people standing around answering questions?

Ray: Well, there’ll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.

Joey: (announcer voice to the camera) Let’s play Bamboozled!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Mrs. Green is telling Ross what needs to be done to baby proof his apartment.]

Mrs. Green: …and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought they might be more at home in the garage.

Ross: Well we…we don’t have a garage.

Mrs. Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage.

Ross: Y’know what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, it’s not absolutely vital that you live with us.

Mrs. Green: Well Rachel needs help with the baby.

Rachel: I do. I really do. I don’t know anything.

Ross: I’m-I’m sure that’s not true.

Rachel: Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies?

Phoebe: No, not a thing.

Monica: It’s frightening.

Ross: Well uh, y’know what? Even if she doesn’t know anything, I do! I have a son. And his mother and I didn’t live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself.

Mrs. Green: That’s true. You do have another child.

Ross: Yeah.

Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control Ross?

Ross: That’s a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to…to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things.

Mrs. Green: Well then you really don’t need me to live with you.

Ross: Yes! Yes, you’re gonna be so missed.

Mrs. Green: You’re gonna be a great father.

Ross: Well you’re gonna be a wonderful grandma. (They hug.)

Rachel: Hello?! I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing!

Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. You’ll—you’re gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesn’t believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh look, y’know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddy’s credit card. Do you remember?

Rachel: I hope you’re going somewhere with this.

Ross: Look at you! What—You’re-you’re this big executive! You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt you’re gonna be an incredible mother.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: I’m telling you.

Rachel: Thank you. (Hugs him.)

Mrs. Green: All right you two, I’m gonna get going.

Ross: Oh. (Rachel and he start to stand up.)

Mrs. Green: Oh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you stay put. I’ll let myself out. It’s like I’m not here, which I almost wasn’t.

Monica: (laughs) You’re still so funny. You’re so funny. (To Phoebe) What do I do?

Phoebe: Nothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and she’s been nothing but terrible to you. And don’t forget you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn’t even thanked you for it.

Monica: Y’know what? You’re-you’re right.

Phoebe: Yeah I mean if you want to say anything to her, I’d tell her off.

Monica: Really?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Monica: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasn’t on purpose! But what you’re during to me now is just plain spiteful!

Mrs. Green: Spiteful?!

Monica: That’s right! Maybe it’s time you took a good hard look at a mirror young lady…old lady…lady!

Phoebe: (To Monica) Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up…

Monica: So whenever you’re ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! (Monica and Phoebe reenter the apartment and Monica closes the door on a stunned Mrs. Green.) I can’t feel my legs!

Phoebe: You were fantastic! I’m so proud of you!

Monica: Yeah? I’m proud of me too.

Phoebe: You should be!

Monica: Yeah could-could-could you get me something to drink?

Phoebe: You got it!

Monica: Okay. (When Phoebe turns around Monica runs out into the hall after Mrs. Green.) Mrs. Green! Okay I’m really sorry!! I’m apologizing for the—(She trips and falls down the stairs.) (Pause) Okay, I bit my tongue, but I’m still really sorry!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Ross is helping Rachel study for when the baby comes.]

Rachel: (closing a book) Okay! I’m ready.

Ross: You sure?

Rachel: Yes, I’ve done my studying and I really know my stuff.

Ross: All right then. (Gets up, in an announcer’s voice) Rachel Green! Let’s play Bamboozled! (Reading from a note card.) How do you test the temperature of the baby’s bath water?

Rachel: Uh, put your elbow in it.

Ross: Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap?

Rachel: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.

Ross: That’s correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the baby makes this sound? (Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.)

Rachel: Check if it’s wet, check if it’s hungry, burp it!

Ross: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango card?

Rachel: A card! A card! I pick a card!

Ross: Oh, I’m sorry you’ve been Bamboozled! You’re gonna be a terrible mother! (Rachel stares at him agape.) I’ve lost sight of why we’re doing this! (Rachel gets up and walks away.)

End

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Written by: Doty Abrams
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, guineapig, Josh Hodge, Aaron D. Howard-Miller, and Kiza Abuzahra.


[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, everyone except Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a magazine.]

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: So, I’m in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down. (She hands the magazine to Joey.)

Joey: (reading) Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani. That’s me!! I’m blank!!

Monica: How cool is this?! We know three down! I’m touching three down! (She has her hand on his shoulder.)

Joey: Yeah you are baby.

Monica: Three down knows I’m married, what’s three down doin’?

Rachel: So did they call you to tell you your name’s gonna be in this?

Joey: No. They really like me over there. They want to do a big profile on me, but I said no.

Ross: Why’d you say no?

Joey: Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time.

Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say. (Joey nods his agreement.)

Rachel: Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus y’know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And if you do the interview you can mention, oh I don’t know, gal pal Rachel Green?

Chandler: Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?

Rachel: Okay, don’t listen to him. Please?

Joey: Fine! All right, I’ll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I y’know, start to say something stupid.

Ross: Just then or-or all the time, ‘cause we-we have jobs y’know.

Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! I’m gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you.

Joey: Yeah.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there for his interview and everyone but Phoebe are hiding on the couch.]

The Interviewer: I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.

Joey: Oh, not at all. Happy to do it.

[Cut to the rest of the gang sitting low on the couch and craning their necks to watch the interview.]

Monica: (To Chandler) You think we’re being obvious?

Chandler: No, we’re just four people with neck problems. You talk like this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.)

[Cut to the interview.]

The Interviewer: (To Joey) Y’know I think its great you wanted to meet here. Y’know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they want to go to a big fancy restaurant.

Joey: (laughs) Actually, I didn’t know the magazine was paying for it. Wouldn’t have mattered, I’m doing this for the fans, not for the free food.

Gunther: Can I get you anything?

The Interviewer: Umm, I’ll have a cup of coffee.

Joey: And I’ll have all the muffins.

[Cut to the gang.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Shhh! We’re not talking.

Phoebe: Oh. Finally! Oh. (Sits back in relief.)

[Cut to the interview.]

The Interviewer: So, according to your bio, you’ve done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives. Anything you’re particularly proud of?

[This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The One With The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.]

Joey: (He goes into a song and dance number)

All you want is a dingle,
What you envy’s a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang…

[The next one is from Episode 304: The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel, Joey is on Amazing Discoveries.]

Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin’-flangin’ hard to open.

Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There’s got to be a better way!

Mike: And there is Kevin.

[Cut forward.]

Mike: This is the first time he’s ever used this product, he’s never used this product before, you’re gonna see how easy this is to do. (To Kevin) Go ahead. (‘Kevin’ starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don’t have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.

Joey: (finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (Starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.

(The crowd ahhs.)

[The next one is from Episode 322: The One With The Screamer, it’s the end of Joey’s play.]

Lauren: So this is it? Victor?

Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. But I won’t have aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne… baby…I’m gonna want to meet her.

(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7.)

[The next one is from Episode 204: The One With Phoebe’s Husband, when everyone including Julie is watching Joey in his porno.]

Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I’m comin’ to fix the copier, I can’t get to the copier, I’m thinkin’ what do I do, what do I do…so I just watch ’em have sex. And then I say, wait, here’s my line, (Joey from TV) you know that’s bad for the paper tray.

Chandler: Nice work my friend.

Joey: Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy’s butt’s blockin’ me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am…

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: Well, there are so many things, it’s hard to pick just one.

[Cut to the gang.]

Phoebe: I’m gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything?

Rachel: Oh yeah, I’d actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea.

Ross: Uh, double latte, extra foam.

Chandler: And a bagel with only…

Phoebe: (interrupting him) I was just being polite!

[Cut to the interview.]

The Interviewer: Okay, how about when you’re not working. What do you do in your spare time?

[This starts another series of flashbacks about Joey’s hobbies. The first one is from Episode 703: The One With Phoebe’s Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.]

Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway?

Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.

Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. (Points to the coast.)

[The next one is from Episode 603: The One With Ross’s Denial, Joey is amazing Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!

(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.)

Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?!

[The next one is from Episode 507: The One Where Ross Moves In.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s and Ross’s, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he’s wearing a cowboy hat.]

Chandler: Well, I see you’ve had a very productive day. Don’t you think the cowboy hat is a little much?

Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it’s fun!

Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn’t this a woman’s hat?

Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!

(Chandler does so.)

[The next one is from Episode 417: The One With The Free Porn, Chandler and Joey are lamenting the fact that every beautiful woman they see doesn’t want to have sex right then and there like in porn.]

Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn.

Joey: I think you’re right.

(Goes over and picks up the remote.)

Chandler: All right, ready?

Joey: One.

Chandler: Two.

Both: Three.

(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)

Joey: That’s kinda nice.

Chandler: Yeah, that’s kinda a relief.

Joey: Yeah.

(Pause.)

Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?

Joey: Yeah.

(Chandler turns on the TV and…)

Chandler: FREE PORN!!!

Joey: Yeah!!

Chandler: We have free porn here!!!

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: In my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And I’m also a mento for the kids.(The gang shake their heads.) Y’know a mento, a role model. (Chandler bites his fist to keep from talking.)

The Interviewer: A mento…

Joey: Right.

The Interviewer: Like the candy?

Joey: Matter of fact, I do.

(Chandler tries to jump over the couch but everyone stops him.)

The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime?

Joey: Uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots of exercise.

[Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode 521: The One With The Ball, Joey and Ross are throwing a ball around.]

Joey: Wow! You realize that we’ve been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?

Ross: Are you serious?!

Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn’t want to say anything ’cause I didn’t want to jinx it.

Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this!

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!

Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that’s the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!

[The next one is from Episode 604: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]

Chandler: What’s wrong with you?

Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious.

Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you—Go to the doctor!

Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.) Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!

[The next one is from Episode 609: The One Where Ross Got High, Rachel is describing her desert to Joey and Ross.]

Rachel: It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch. [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sautéed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something’s wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!

[Time lapse, Ross and Joey are eating Rachel’s disaster.]

Ross: It tastes like feet!

Joey: I like it.

Ross: Are you kidding?

Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goooooood.

[The next one is from Episode 619: The One With Joey’s Fridge.]

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isn’t doing all that well.]

Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar?

Chandler: That’s still in there?!

Joey: Not anymore.

[The next one is from Episode 711: The One With All the Cheesecakes.]

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.]

Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it!

Chandler: Stick to your side!

Rachel: Hey, come on now!

(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)

Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin’? (Starts digging in.)

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: Uhh, I don’t believe in these crazy diets y’know, just everything in moderation.

Gunther: Your muffins. (Sets down a huge plate of muffins in front of Joey.)

Joey: I’ll take those to go. (To the interviewer) For the kids.

The Interviewer: Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. You were on the show years ago and then they killed you off. What happened there?

Joey: It was so stupid, I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn’t have said. But believe me, that’s not gonna happen today.

The Interviewer: Understood. So, what’d you say back then?

Joey: Well, I said that I… (The gang jumps up and interrupts him.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Joey: You guys, this is Shelley, she’s interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest, and Shelley, this are my friends…

Rachel: (interrupting him) Hi! I’m gal pal Rachel Green, and if you want the dirt, I’m the one you come too. This might be Joey’s baby (rubbing her stomach), who knows? I’m just kidding—Seriously, (leans into the cassette recorder Shelley is using) gal pal Rachel Green.

Ross: (leaning into the recorder as well) Who just lost the respect of her unborn child.

The Interviewer: Umm, I’m gonna just go get this warmed up. (She takes her coffee mug up to the counter.)

Joey: Okay.

Monica: Joey! You’re doing great!

Ross: Yeah, so far nothing stupid.

Chandler: Mento?

Joey: No thanks.

The Interviewer: (returning) So, as Joey’s friends, is there anything that you guys think our readers ought to know?

Ross: Uh no, no just-just that he is a great guy.

Rachel: (scoffs at him) Yeah, that’s gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest. Well I…(leans into the microphone again)…I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.

Phoebe: Umm, I…I just think you don’t expect someone so hot to be so sweet.

The Interviewer: Oh! I like that. What’s your name?

Phoebe: Umm, Phoebe Buffay.

The Interviewer: How do you spell that? So we can get it right.

Phoebe: Oh okay, it’s P as in Phoebe, H as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E as in ebe, B as in bee-bee and E as in (In an Australian accent) ‘Ello there mate!

The Interviewer: Great! Well, it was nice meeting all of you.

Ross: Yeah, you too.

Rachel: You too!

Chandler: Thanks.

Monica: Bye. (They resume their previous positions.)

The Interviewer: So it seems like you have a lot of friends, who would you say is your best friend?

[They gang all lean back to listen better, and this starts another series of flashbacks. The first one is from Episode 214: The One With The Prom Video, Rachel has just found the bracelet that Joey gave Chandler, which is after he bought one to replace it.]

Joey: How come you have two?

Chandler: Well this one’s for you.

Joey: Get out.

Chandler: No, I can’t. No-no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, (Puts bracelet on Joey) it’s about you and me and the fact that we’re (Reading bracelet) best buds.

Joey: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we’re bracelet buddies.

Chandler: That’s what they’ll call us.

[The next one is from Episode 618: The One Where Ross Dates A Student.]

[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.]

Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry!

Joey: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it.

Rachel: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain!

Joey: Rach! Hey! It’s fine! You’re at Joey’s!

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.)

Rachel: I’ve never lived like this before.

Joey: I know.

(Rachel throws some of hers down.)

Joey: All right, don’t waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and eats it.)

[The next one is from Episode 224: The One With Barry And Mindy’s Wedding, Joey has to kiss a guy in an audition and has been trying to find one to practice with.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters]

Ross: All right I’ve been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and damnit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).

Joey: Wow, you are a good friend, ‘course the audition was this morning, and I didn’t get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.

[The next one is from Episode 512: The One With Chandler’s Work Laugh, Joey and Phoebe are betting on who will reach the treat the fastest, the chick or the duck.]

Joey: All right. Let’s get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that’s over the duck and the laundry basket that’s over the chicken.) And they’re off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)

Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!

Joey: Judge rules, no violation.

Phoebe: Ohhh.

Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!

Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that’s not a Nutter-Butter, that’s just an old Wonton!

Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.

Phoebe: Ohh, tough call.

Joey: Yeah.

[The next one is from Episode 401: The One With The Jellyfish, where Monica, Joey, and Chandler are relating that tragic day they spent on the beach.]

Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel

Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you… (Stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!

Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!

Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t…bend that way. So… (Looks at Joey.)

Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!

Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you!

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: Umm, no. No best friend, no. Just a lot of close friends.

The Interviewer: So umm, now back to the show. How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base?

Joey: Really? Me? Wow! I don’t even know any huge gay people!

[Cut to the gang.]

Chandler: It hurts me. It physically hurts me.

[Cut to the interview.]

The Interviewer: Now, off the record, you’re not…

[Another group of flashbacks begin with Episode 513: The One With Joey’s Bag. Joey is carrying the bag and has entered Central Perk to the amusement of Ross and Chandler.]

Joey: What? Are you referring to my man’s bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it’s practical too. Check it out! It’s got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!

Ross: Your make-up!

[The next one is from Episode 712: The One Where They’re Up All Night, Joey and Ross are deciding how to climb down the final part of the fire escape.]

Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face.

Joey: I think face to face.

Ross: I would say that.

Joey: Face to face, yeah!

Ross: Okay, here I go.

Joey: All right.

(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey’s chest.)

Joey: (grunting) Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?!

Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight.

(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey’s torso, but that doesn’t work very well and he’s forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross’s crotch.)

Joey: Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through.

[The next one is from Episode 722: The One With Chandler’s Dad.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he’s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!

Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.

[The next one is from Episode 608: The One With Ross’s Teeth, Chandler is accusing Joey of becoming less of a man.]

Chandler: You’re turning into a woman.

Joey: No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean.

Chandler: Now I’ve upset you? What did I say?

Joey: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it… Oh My God, I’m a woman!!!

[The next one is from Episode 706: The One With The Nap Partners.]

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]

Joey: Great nap.

Ross: It really was.

(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: Uh me? Gay? No! No. No, but I have a number of close friends who are. (Chandler and Ross look at each other.)

The Interviewer: So, let’s talk about women. I’m sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life.

[Another series of flashbacks begins with Episode 413: The One With Rachel’s Crush, Joey is telling Rachel and Phoebe how he picks up women.]

Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, “Hey, how you doin’?”

Phoebe: Oh, please!

Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin’?

(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)

[The next one is from Episode 605: The One With Joey’s Porsche.]

[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]

Joey: Hey! How you doin’?

Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!

Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)

[The next one is from Episode 613: The One With Rachel’s Sister, Chandler has just opened the door to reveal a woman standing there.]

Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister.

Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!

Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!

(They run and hug each other.)

Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!

Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.)

Jill: Hi!

Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!

Ross: Hi Jill.

Rachel: And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey.

Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’?

Rachel: Don’t!! (Joey backs away frightened.)

[The final one is from Episode 607: The One Where Phoebe Runs, Joey has been trying to repel Janice and sees it’s not working to his liking so he’s confronting her about the sexual tension.]

Janine: No! I mean you’re a really nice guy and I’m happy to be your roommate and your friend, I’m just y’know, I just don’t feel that way about you.

Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It’s because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you’d feel a lot different if I turned it on.

Janine: I don’t think so.

Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin?

Janine: I’m okay.

Joey: What?!?! Oh dear God!

[Cut to the interview.]

Joey: Not much to tell there I’m really shy.

(The gang is confused.)

The Interviewer: So, that’s it. I guess that’s all I need. Thank you so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month.

Joey: Oh great! Great! Thank you. (They shake hands.)

The Interviewer: Bye.

Joey: Bye-bye. (The interviewer leaves and he sits down with the rest of the gang.) I did it!

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: Amazing! Amazing!

The Interviewer: (returning) Oh wait! I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this. Other than Days of Our Lives, what’s your favorite soap opera?

Joey: Oh, I don’t watch soap operas. Excuse me, I have a life, y’know?

(The gang is disappointed.)

The Interviewer: Thank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to hear that.

Joey: Oh, good to know. (The interviewer leaves.) So close!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, everyone is reading Joey’s interview.]

Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe they didn’t put it in the part where you said you didn’t watch soap operas.

Joey: Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was just joking. She was pretty nice about that.

Monica: You slept with her didn’t you?

Joey: Little bit, yeah.

Ross: Wow! This picture of you sure is steamy.

Joey: Oh yeah, that’s just a little something for my huge gay fan base. (Winks at him.)

Ross: Did you just wink at me?

Joey: Hey, you’re the one that loves the picture.

End

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Teleplay by: Mark Kunerth
Story by: Peter Tibbals
Transcribed by: Cassie
With Help From: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Phoebe: Oh, Ross, Mon, is it okay if I bring someone to your parent’s anniversary party?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: Sure. Yeah.

Joey: So, who’s the guy?

Phoebe: Well, his name is Parker and I met him at the drycleaners.

Chandler: Oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? (Sits up) Who said that?

Phoebe: Yeah, he’s really great though. He has this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty girl I am.

Monica: (To Ross) Oh, by the way. Would it be okay if I gave the toast to mom and dad this year?

Ross: Uh, yeah, you sure you want to after what happened at their 20th?

Monica: Yeah, I’d really like to.

Ross: Okay, hopefully this time mom won’t boo you.

Monica: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and it’s always really moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year I’m going to make them cry.

Chandler: And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?

Monica: No! Really! Any time Ross makes a toast everyone cries, and hugs him, and pats him on the back and they all come up to me and say, “God, your brother.” Know what they’ll say this year? “God, you”

Joey: Well I can promise you, at least one person will be crying. (Points to himself) I’m an actor, and any actor worth himself can cry on cue. (snaps fingers)

Monica: Really you can do that?

Joey: Are you kidding me? Watch! (Makes funny faces trying to cry) Well I can’t do it with you guys watching me!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, they’re getting ready to leave for the party.]

Chandler: What are you doing?

Monica: Oh I’m working on my toast for the party, or as I like to call it. Sob fest 2002. Hey check this out. (Hands him a picture.)

Chandler: It’s a dog.

Monica: It’s a dead dog. That’s Chi-Chi; she died when I was in high school.

Chandler: It’s your parents’ anniversary and you’re going to talk about their dead pet?

Monica: The good stuff, huh?

(Ross, Joey, and Rachel enter)

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: You got a present for my parents. That’s so sweet.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, in honor of their 35th wedding anniversary, I had a star named after them.

Ross: Aww that is so cool.

Joey: And I got them a book on Karma Sutra for the elderly.

Rachel: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?

Chandler: Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testacles may be in here too.

Ross: (picking up Chi-Chi’s picture) Aww! Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog! Y’know Monica couldn’t get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.

Monica: What?!

Ross: You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her!

(Phoebe and Parker enter)

Phoebe: Hey!

All: Hi!

Phoebe: Everybody, this is Parker, Parker this is…

Parker: No, no, no wait! Don’t tell me. Let me guess. (Points as he says their names) Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel and, I’m sorry Phoebe didn’t mention you. (Chandler makes a face) Chandler, I’m kidding all ready you’re my favorite!

Chandler: Ha!

Parker: Why don’t all of you tell me a little about your self?

Ross: Ah, actually, I’m sorry we-we probably should get going.

Parker: (laughs) Classic Ross. Rachel, Rachel, oh how you glow. May I? (Puts hand on her stomach)

Rachel: I, uh, think you already are.

Parker: Rachel, you have life growing inside you. Is there anything in this world more miraculous than—Oh a picture of a dog! Whose is this?

Monica: That’s my old dog. He passed away years ago.

Parker: Oh well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow-wow old friend, bow-wow. So where’s the party?

Monica: It’s out on the island. It’s in Massapequa.

Parker: Maaaassapequa, sounds like a magical place. Tell me about Massapequa, is it steep in Native American history? {Transcriber’s Note: Interestingly Alec Baldwin was born in Massapequa.}

Ross: Well, there is an Arby’s in the shape of a tee-pee.

Monica: Okay, I got my note cards. (To Chandler) Do you got the presents?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: And I’ve got the car keys.

Parker: We’re driving!?

Monica: Yeah.

Parker: Aces!

(Everyone except Ross and Rachel leave.)

Ross: So uh, he seems like a nice guy.

Rachel: Yeah, yeah I like him a lot.

Ross: Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab?

Rachel: Yeah, otherwise I’m not going.

[Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel are arriving and see his parents.]

Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Hi

Ross: Hi! (Kisses his mom.) Hey mom.

Rachel: This is such a great party! 35 years. Very impressive, do you guys have any pearls of wisdom?

Mrs. Geller: Jack?

Mr. Geller: Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick? (Looking a toothpick)

Ross: That’s a good question, dad. That’s a good question…

Rachel: Hmmm….

Woman: (To Ross and Rachel) Congratulations you two!

Rachel: Thank you…we’re so excited

Woman: And also, congratulations on your wedding.

Ross: Wha—What?

Mrs. Geller: Can we talk to you for just a y’know… It’s just a little thing. Well we think it’s absolutely marvelous that you’re having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why we’ve told them all that you’re married.

Ross and Rachel: What?!

Mrs. Geller: Thanks for going along with this.

Ross: Dad so what we have to pretend that we’re married?

Mr. Geller: Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.

Ross: Can you believe that?

Rachel: Yeah, if you’re going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nosal area.

Ross: No, us having to lie about being married.

Rachel: No, I know I don’t either, but ya know what, it’s their party, and it’s just one night. And we don’t even have to lie; we just won’t say anything. If it comes up again, we’ll just…smile. We’ll nod along.

Woman: Ross!

Man: Rachel!

Ross: Hi Aunt Lisa, Uncle Dan

Aunt Lisa: Congratulations on the baby, and on the wedding

Ross and Rachel: Hmmmm….

Uncle Dan: Here’s a little something to get you started. (Hands them a check)

Rachel: Oh…

Aunt Lisa: So, how’s married life treating you?

Rachel: (looking at the check) Unbelievable!

Ross: We love marriage!

Aunt Lisa: Great!

(The rest of the gang arrives including Parker.)

Ross: Hey

Phoebe: Hey!

Parker: What a beautiful place. What a great night! I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C…I feel so lucky. I think of all the good times that have happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and bat, but none of them will compare with tonight! My God, I don’t want to forget this moment! It’s like I want to take a mental picture of you all! Click! (He takes a mental picture of them all.)

Chandler: I don’t think the flash went off.

Parker: Dahaaa! (Punches Chandler in the arm and he makes a face of pain.) I’m going to find the men’s room, be right back.

Phoebe: I’ll go with you

Parker: Come on!

Chandler: Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.

Joey: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I don’t want him complimenting my thing.

Ross: I’m so we weren’t in the car! Did he ever let up?

Monica: He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle.

Ross: (imitating Parker) This room! This night! That waiter! His shoes! I must take a mental picture! (He backs into someone.) Ooh sorry…(He looks behind him then notices its Phoebe then stops his impression.)

Phoebe: Were you guys making fun of Parker?

Ross: That depends, how much did you hear?

Phoebe: So, he a little enthusiastic, what’s wrong with that?

Monica: It’s just that, it’s so much.

Phoebe: Well, so what I like him! Do I make fun of the people you’ve dated? Tag, Janice, Mona? No, because friends don’t do that. But, do you want my opinion? Do you want it? ‘Cause in my opinion, your collective dating record reads like the who’s who of human crap. (Walks off)

Monica: I feel terrible.

Joey: I know

Ross: What was wrong with Mona?

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel have just gotten another wedding present.]

Rachel: Open it! Open it! Open it!

Ross: Yeah baby!

Man: So we never got to hear about your wedding!

Woman: We were surprise that we weren’t invited.

Ross: No, no, it was just our parents and 1 or 2 friends. It was a small wedding.

Rachel: But it was beautiful. I mean it was small, but kind of spectacular.

Man: Where did you have it?

Rachel: On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and Stevie Wonder sang Isn’t She Lovely as I walked down the aisle.

Woman: Really?

Rachel: Yeah, Stevie’s an old family friend. (Hits Ross’s chest)

Woman: Oh my God. That sounds amazing. I would love to see pictures.

Rachel: So would I. You wouldn’t think that Annie Liebawitz would forget to put film in the camera.

Ross: Would you excuse us for a second? (Pulls Rachel off to the side) Umm…. what are you doing?

Rachel: What? I’m not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have. I want it to be amazing.

Ross: Okay, okay. Ooooh, ooh maybe I rode in on a Harley.

Rachel: Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.

(Cut to Phoebe and Parker)

Parker: Are you okay? You seem kind of quiet.

Phoebe: No, I’m fine. I’m great. I’m with you.

Parker: And I’m with you! What a great time to be alive! Look at this plate-bouncy thing. (Bounces the plates) What an inspired solution to man’s plate dispensing problems.

Phoebe: Hm huh, yeah.

Parker: Ah! Oysters! Let me feed you one.

Phoebe: No, that’s not necessary.

Parker: Please.

Phoebe: No, actually I don’t eat…

Parker: I won’t quit until you try.

Phoebe: Okay, fine! Fine! (Takes the oyster and pretends to eat it while dropping it on the floor) Mmm…hmmmmm….

Parker: What are they like? I’ve never had one.

Phoebe: Why don’t you just try one?

Parker: No, they look too weird.

(Cut to Monica and Chandler)

Chandler: What are you doin’?

Monica: Just going over my toast. Those two will never know what hit ‘em. I can’t wait. They’re going to be crying so hard. They’re going to be fighting for breath.

Chandler: Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could (Punches the air).

(Cut to Rachel and Ross)

Rachel: And my veil was lace, made by blind, Belgium nuns.

Woman: Blind?

Rachel: Well, not at first, but it was very intricate work and they said even though they lost their sight, it was all worth it.

Aunt Lisa: I’ll bet you looked beautiful…

Rachel: Well, I don’t know about that, but some said that I looked like a floating angel.

Woman: (To Ross) So, how did you propose?

Rachel: Oh yeah. That’s a great story.

Ross: Well, um, actually, I-I took her to the planetarium. That’s-that’s where we had our first date. Um, she walked in and I had the room filled with lilies, her favorite flower…

Aunt Lisa: Oh that is so sweet!

Rachel: Shhh! I want to hear the rest!

Ross: Then, Fred Astaire singing The Way You Look Tonight came on the sound system, and the lights came down. And I got down on one knee and written across the dome in the stars were the words “Will you marry me?”

(Various oohs and ahhs)

Rachel: And the ring, was the size of my fist (makes a fist)!

(Cut to Phoebe and Joey)

Joey: Yeah uh, Phoebe! Look umm, I want to apologize about before, okay? We were being jerks. Parker’s a nice guy and I’d like to get to know him.

Phoebe: Then you better do it now.

Joey: Why?

Phoebe: Because I’m going to kill him

Joey: What-what?

Phoebe: You guys were right. He’s just too excited about…everything. I mean I’m all for living life, but this is the Geller’s 35th anniversary. Okay? Let’s call a spade a spade this party stinks.

Joey: I know I’m having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!

Phoebe: Are you sure it wasn’t an oyster?

Joey: I guess it could’ve been, I didn’t really look at it. Y’know, I just wiped it on Chandler’s coat and got the hell out of there.

Phoebe: He’s just such a great guy I’m so excited about him.

Joey: Oh hey, you should be excited about him. There’s nothing wrong with him he’s a good guy.

Phoebe: You think?

Joey: Yeah. Ya know what I think; I think we were all just being too negative.

Phoebe: You’re right. You’re right, he’s just embracing life. We could all stand to be a little more like Parker. You know what? I am like him! I’m a sunny, positive person.

Joey: Actually, you have a little bit of an edge.

Phoebe: What’s that now?

Joey: Nothing…

Phoebe: Oh look it’s Parker!

Parker: Look! It’s the bunny hop!

Phoebe: Oooh I love it!

Parker: You do?!

Phoebe: Are you kidding? People acting like animals to music. Come on!

(Cut to Monica, at the microphone)

Monica: Okay it’s time for the toast! Umm now-now, I know that Ross usually gives the toast, but this year I’m going to do it.

(Everyone sighs)

Monica: No, no it’s going to be great. Really! Mom, Dad, when I got married, one of the things that made me sure I could do it was the amazing example the two of you set for me. For that and so many other things I want to say thank you. I know I probably don’t say it enough, but I love you. (Pretends to cry hoping her parents will join her.) When I look around this room, I’m-I’m saddened by the thought of those who could not be here with us. Nana, my beloved grandmother who would so want to be here, but she can’t because she’s dead. As is our dog Chi-Chi. I mean look how cute she is. (Holds up the picture and pretends to cry again). Was. (To an old man by the stage.) Do me a favor and pass this to my parents. Remember she’s dead. Okay, her and Nana, gone. Wow! Hey does anybody remember when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her children in Terms of Endearment? (Chandler covers his ears) Didn’t see that? No movie fans?! You want to hear something sad? The other day I was watching 60 Minutes these orphans in Romania, who have been so neglected, they were incapable of love. (Waits for people to cry, but doesn’t get any tears.) You people are made of stone! Here’s to mom and dad! Whatever!

Mrs. Geller: Thank you Monica that was uh, interesting. Wasn’t it interesting, Jack?

Mr. Geller: (looking at the picture) Why don’t I remember this dog?

Mrs. Geller: Ross, why don’t you give us your toast now?

Ross: Oh, no, Mom, it’s just Monica this year.

Mrs. Geller: You’re not going to say anything? On our 35th wedding anniversary

Ross: No, of course, Um… Um, everybody? Um, I-I just wanted to say…on behalf of my new bride, Rachel (She turns around and smiles), and myself. Umm, that if…if in 35 years, we’re half as happy as you guys are, we’ll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world.

Mrs. Geller: (crying) Oh Ross…

Mr. Geller: I just wish Nana were alive to hear Ross’s toast.

[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, Parker and her are entering.]

Parker: My God what a fantastically well lit hallway!

Phoebe: Can I get you something to drink? Like a water and Valium?

Parker: I must say this apartment, its, its, There are no words…

Phoebe: Oh thank God.

Parker: It’s a haven. A third-floor paradise. A modern-day Eden in the midst…

Phoebe: Yeah? I know! I know! Uh huh? Listen why don’t we just um, sit and relax? You know just be with each other. Quietly!

Parker: That sounds great. (Sits down) My God this is the most comfortable couch I’ve ever sat on in my entire life. (Bounces on couch)

Phoebe: Let’s try something else, let’s play a game.

Parker: I love games!

Phoebe: Shocking! Let’s play the game of who can stay quiet the longest. (Giggles)

Parker: Or…Jenga.

Phoebe: But, let’s play this one first. And remember whoever talks first loses!

(They sit back)

Parker: I lose, now Jenga.

Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God!

Parker: Is something wrong?

Phoebe: Wrong? Really? You know the word wrong. Everything isn’t perfect? Everything isn’t magical? Everything isn’t a glow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker!

Parker: Well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam!

Phoebe: You don’t have to put a good spin on everything.

Parker: I’m sorry that’s who I am. I’m a positive person.

Phoebe: No! I am a positive person. You are like Santa Clause on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting laid!

Parker: So what do you want me to do, you want me to be more negative, less happy?

Phoebe: Much less happy!

Parker: Fine! Well then to quote Ross, “I’d better be going.”

Phoebe: So long! Don’t let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out! (He exits and she slams the door behind him.)

(There’s a knock on door, and Phoebe opens it.)

Parker: Isn’t this the most incredible fight you’ve ever had in your entire life?

Phoebe: Uh huh. (Closes door)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, they’re returning from the party.]

Ross: …and then, we could’ve gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar!

Rachel: Ross, it just wouldn’t have been feasible.

Ross: But having a dove place the ring on your finger would’ve been no problem?

Rachel: It was really fun being married to you tonight.

Ross: Yeah! And! And, it was the easiest 400 bucks I’ve ever made.

Rachel: Okay Ross, can I uh, can I ask you something?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: That proposal, at the planetarium…

Ross: I know, I know it was stupid.

Rachel: Are you kidding?! With the, with the lilies, and-and the song, and the stars! It was…really wonderful! Did you just make that up?

Ross: No, actually I thought about it when, when we were going out. It’s how I imagined I uh, I would ask you to marry me.

Rachel: Well, that would’ve been very hard to say no too.

Ross: It’s a good thing I didn’t do it, because it sounds like it would’ve been a very expensive wedding. (Rachel laughs) Okay, good night

Rachel: Goodnight

(They go off to their bedrooms)

Ross: Even if the sidecar had a windscreen so your hair wouldn’t get messed up?

Rachel: I will think about it.

Ross: That’s all I’m askin’

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are there.]

Monica: Okay that’s it. I give up. At mom and dad’s 40th anniversary, you’re the one giving the speech.

Ross: Y’know I don’t understand why they didn’t cry. It was a beautiful speech.

Monica: Oh, come on.

Ross: Hey! All that stuff you said about true love, you were right, I mean, we did learn a lot from Mom and Dad! And that picture of Chi-Chi with her mischievous grin. And what you said about Nana. Ohh, yeah she really would’ve wanted to be there. And you know what? I think she was.

Monica: (starts to cry) Oh good God, Ross! How the hell do you do it?

End

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