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Archive for the ‘Season 9’ Category

Part 1 written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri
Part 2 written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Directed by: Kevin S. Bright
Transcribed by: Andreina, Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
[Scene: Central Perk]

Joey: (entering) Hey! I’m all packed and ready to go!

Ross: Oh, that’s right! (to Emma) Daddy and uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We’re going to a conference in Barbados, right?

Joey: Mmh-mmh.

Ross: (to Emma) Can you say Barbados?

Joey: Barbados!

Ross: Ok, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much to me that you guys are coming all the way over there to hear me do my speech! UH! And I’ve a surprise, uh… I had to pull some strings but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference! That’s right! (he gives them their passes) This babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.

Rachel: Do you have anything that would… get us out of them?

Chandler: Yeah Ross, I mean… we’re excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we’re gonna wanna do, you know, “island’s stuff”.

Phoebe: I think David would probably wanna hear a few lectures.

Ross: Oh, right, because he’s a scientist!

Phoebe: No, no, because, you know, he’s been in Minsk for 8 years and if he gets too much direct sunlight, he’ll die.

Ross: Ok, we gotta go, yeah? So, we’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Joey: All right, let’s do it! 5 hour flight with Charlie, have a couple of drinks, get under that blanket and do what comes naturally.

Ross: It’s a blanket Joe, not a cloak of invisibility!

Opening credits

[Scene: Paradise Hotel lounge in Barbados]

Charlie: Wow! This place is beautiful!

Ross: (very excited) Look at all these paleontologists!!

Joey: I know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! (A woman goes towards them)

Woman: Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re here!

Joey: (to Charlie) I think I’ve been recognized, this happens all the time!

Woman: Doctor Geller, I’m such a huge fan!

Joey: That… never happens…

Woman: I’ve been following your career for years, I-I can’t wait for your keynote speech.

Ross: Wow! This is very flattering, uh…

Woman: I would love your autograph. (hands him a notepad)

Ross: Uh, uh… Sure! Uhm… “Dear…” (he takes the notepad)

Woman: Sarah.

Ross: “… Sarah. I dig you”, Uh? “Doctor Ross Geller”.

Sarah: Thank you so much!

Ross: Yeah, oh and Sarah… I’d like to introduce you to my colleague, uh, Professor Wheeler, a-and this is Joey Tribbiani.

Sarah: (to Joey) Are you a paleontologist?

Joey: No, God, no! No! No no, I’m an actor. You’d probably recognize me from a little show called “The Days of Our Lives”.

Ross: Dude, it’s just “Days of Our Lives”… there’s no the.

Joey: (thinking he’s kidding) Ok, Ross! It’s… It’s fun, yeah! No, I-I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.

Sarah: I’m sorry, I don’t own a TV.

Joey: You don’t own a TV? What’s all your furniture pointed at??

[Scene: Central Perk]

Monica: David, can you help me?! I’m trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.

David: Oh, certainly. That’s a combination of Bernoulli’s principle and Newton’s third law of motion.

Monica: (to Chandler) See?

Chandler: Yeah, that’s the same as “it has something to do with wind”.

Monica: Alright, I’m gonna go pick up a few things for the trip.

Phoebe: Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now… tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there.

(Everyone looks at her)

Phoebe: Mike?? Who’s Mike?

David: Mike is your ex… uh… boyfriend!

Phoebe: That’s right! Oh, yeah… Well, I’ve totally forgotten about im! AH! That’s-That’s… a blast from the past!

David: It’s ok. Ho-honest mistake.

Phoebe: Really, it doesn’t mean anything. I mean, you know, Monica refers to Chandler as Richard all the time!

Chandler: (upset) She does?

Monica: (pinching her) Let’s get you out of here!! (they go outside)

(Outside the Central Perk)

Monica: At least you took me down with you!

Phoebe: I’m sooo sorry!! I just… I keep thinking about Mike! I’m crazy about David, and we’re having so much fun together. Why-Why do I miss Mike? That’s-that’s gonna go away, right?

Monica: I guess, in time.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: I mean, my feelings for Richard are certainly gone.

Phoebe: You just did it again. Chandler, your feelings for Chandler are certainly gone!

[Scene: Inside Central Perk]

David: (to Chandler) Well, Phoebe’s still pretty hung up on that Mike, uh?

Chandler: I wouldn’t read too much into it.

David: Still you know, a girl calls you by your ex-boyfriend’s name, that-that’s not a good thing, right?

Chandler: David, let me stop you there ’cause I think I see where this is going. I’m not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or… Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee.

David: Sorry, I just… I wish there was something I could do, you know? Well, you know Phoebe…

Chandler: Seriously, we’re gonna do this?

David: I’m sorry, uh… I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know… Why did Phoebe and Mike break up?

Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I’m sorry, that’s the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn’t want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you’d be open to marriage?

David: That’s great! That’s great! I-I’ll propose to her!

Chandler: What?

David: Well, I was probably going to do it at some point.

Chandler: I didn’t mean now

David: Why not? It’s brilliant! (talking to an imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we’ll see you at the wedding, fella! (pause) well, we probably won’t invite you to the wedding… (to Chandler) Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely.

Chandler: Well, you’re welcome! Glad I could help.

David: (after a while) How do you think I should propose?

Chandler: David, I’m pretending to read here!!

[Scene: Joey in his hotel in room in Barbados]

(Trying on a hat and talking to his own reflection in the mirror)

Joey: Yeah! How you doin’? Yeah alright!

(Charlie comes out the bathroom)

Joey: Hey, hey! You said you’re gonna wear a thong, where’s the thong?

Charlie: (laughing) I didn’t mean a thong… I meant thongs

Joey: You really should have been more clear about that!

(Someone knocks the door, Joey goes to open it and Ross is on the other side)

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: (Excited) You’re never going to guess who I just saw downstairs!

Joey: Oh! ah! eh… Britney Spears!?

Ross: Yeah, she never misses these conferences! (then to Charlie) No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth Schwartz!

Charlie: Oh my God! Did you talk to him?

Ross: Yeah… what am I going to say to Kenneth Schwartz?

Joey: You could say: “Hey Kenny, how come you’re not Britney Spears?” (looks at Ross matter-of-factly)

Ross: (to Charlie) Ready to go?

Charlie: Yeah!

Joey: Wha…? You’re gonna go now? I thought we could hang out?

Charlie: Oh I can’t… I have seminars all day and I promised Ross I would look at his speech.

Ross: Yeah.

Charlie: But maybe we can have dinner later? On the balcony? Will be romantic.

Joey: (smiling) Will you wear a thong?

Charlie: I will if you will.

Joey: Oh… you got yourself a very weird deal!

Ross: (a little embarassed by their conversation) I’m good, I have dinner plans (moves away from them).

Charlie: So you’ll be ok?

Joey: Yeah, yeah. I’ve got tons of stuff I could do. I’m gonna hit the beach, go swimming…

Ross: Uh, Joe, have you looked outside?

Joey: No, why?

(Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains revealing that it’s raining outside)

Joey: Oh man!

Charlie: There’s an indoor pool, you can swim there! (Ross agrees)

Joey: I wasn’t gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! (removes a small plastic spade used by children to play on the beach from his backpack)

[Scene: Back in New York, Monica and Chandler in Central Perk on the couch]

Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don’t know what’s gonna happen with Phoebe and David.

Chandler: (smiling cheekily) I do! Want a hint? huh? “I do” (Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats) “I do”.

Monica: Ok, I’m sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.

Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.

Monica: What? (looks very shocked) Why?

Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.

Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn’t you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?

Chandler: I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?

Monica: They’ve only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She’ll say “No”, David’s heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.

Chandler: Man, that’s some bad advice!

[Scene: Barbados, hotel lounge. David, Phoebe and Rachel have just arrived.]

(Joey spots them and walks towards them)

Joey: Oh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here!

Rachel: Hey! Hey what’s going on?

Joey: Everything is upside down here! It rains all day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous!

(Rachel turns around and sees Chandler and Monica arriving)

Rachel: Alright, I don’t wanna alarm anybody, but Monica’s hair is twice as big as it was when we landed!

(Monica and Chandler reach the group)

Monica: Ok! When I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?!

Chandler: That’s why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross!

Joey: Come on, I’ll show you guys where to check in (Joey, Chandler and David leave)

Monica: (to Chandler) Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed!

Phoebe: (shouts after David) Oh! David, get one for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! And with mirrors on the ceiling!

Monica: (shouts to Chandler) And make sure our room isn’t next to theirs (points to Phoebe).

Rachel: Ooh! You guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known it’s such a romantic place. That’s all, I just wish I could (looks at Joey who is at the check in desk) share that with a guy.

Phoebe: Not Joey.

Rachel: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler.

Monica: Yeah, right!

[Cut to the guys]

David: So, ehm… I’m proposing to Pheobe tonight. (Removes a ring box from his pocket and opens it to show Chandler the ring)

Chandler: Tonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn’t an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? (squints at the ring to emphasize how tiny the diamond is) Oh, there it is!

David: Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn’t pay quite as well as you might think. That’s uhm… one seventieth of a karat. And the clarity is uhm… is quite poor.

Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)

Chandler: Monica, can I talk to you for a sec? (Pulls her away from Phoebe and Rachel)

Monica: Ok!

Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight!

Monica: See what happens when you give people advice? I hope you told him not to?

Chandler: That would be advice!!

Monica: Ok fine. I’ll handle this. (goes to Phoebe who’s talking to Rachel) Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: (looking very serious) I need to talk to you.

Phoebe: Are you leaving “The Supremes”? (Monica and Phoebe go to one side)

MOnica: Ok, my husband just gave your boyfriend some very bad advice. Look, David is going to propose to you tonight.

Phoebe: Wow? Really? That’s fantastic!

Monica: What are you serious? You wanna marry him? Wha… What about Mike?

Phoebe: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let’s just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. I can just see it: “Mike, do you take Phoebe…” (gestures with her hand as if someone is covering her mouth and tries to shout “No! No!”) You know, it’s every girl’s dream!

Monica: Do you really think marrying someone else is the right answer?

Phoebe: Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike… David! David. I love David. Don’t look at me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna!

[Scene: Ross’s hotel room. Ross and is reading his keynote speech to Charlie from his laptop]

Ross: By using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century.

Charlie: It’s great. You’re gonna be the hit of the conference.

Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won’t be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it’s Joey, Rachel and Chandler).

Joey: Hey guys!

Ross: The chocolates aren’t here yet.

Joey: Damnit!

Charlie: Ross just read me his speech. It’s fantastic!

Chandler: Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I’d love to give it a read…?

Ross: If you want to check your email, just ask! (Chandler tries to look offended)

Chandler: (offended) What? (pause) May I?

Rachel: (looking out the window) What’s with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season.

Charlie: Actually the wet season is June to December.

Rachel: It’s not the time Charlie.

Chandler: (at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear God, no!

Joey: Oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? (Chandler looks annoyed at him and Joey leans in to him) Oh! Secret teapot?

Chandler: Your computer, I don’t know wha… everything’s gone!

Ross: Wha… what do you mean? (Goes to the laptop)

Chandler: It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive.

Ross: What, oh my God. What did you do?

Chandler: Someone I don’t know sent me an e-mail and I opened it.

Ross: Why, why would you open it?

Chandler: Well, it didn’t say “This is a virus”!!

Ross: What did it say?

Chandler: Nude… (Ross looks at him)… pictures of Anna Kournikova. I’m so sorry.

Ross: What… what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler!

Chandler: It’s not gone! I mean, I’m sure you printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right?

Ross: NO! I don’t!!

Chandler: Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now…!

[Time lapse: Ross looks likes he’s been trying to fix his computer but just closes it as if giving up]

Joey: It’s really gone?

Ross: Yep! I’d like to thank you guys for coming down here to complain about the rain and ruin my career!

Chandler: I just feel awful.

Ross: Yeah, well you should! I mean, nude pictures of Anna Kournikova? I mean, she’s never even won a major tournament!

Chandler: Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but… (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same “I’m gonna kill you” look…? I can usually make it go away by kissing her… (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he’s going to kiss Ross)

Ross: Get out! (Chandler runs out)

Rachel: You know, this happens all the time to my computer at work.

Ross: Well, what do you do?

Rachel: Well, I usually go… play Tetris on somebody else’s computer.

Ross: I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this is happening. I have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say?

Joey: I could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions.

Ross: I don’t think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe!

Charlie: Ross, we can solve this. I just heard your speech. We can recreate it! We’ve got all night!

Ross: Wha… what you really think we can do that?

Charlie: Oh wait, Joey and I are supposed to have dinner (Looks at Joey).

Joey: Hey don’t worry about that! I mean, Ross needs you! And Rachel and I will stay and help anyway we can.

Rachel: Ugh.

Ross: Alright, ok, let’s do it. (Ross sits down at the desk and they all gather around him) Uhm, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating… uhm, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! (Rachel and Joey look confused) And then, there’s the… eh… there’s the overview of the Triassic.

Joey: Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a “Galaxy far, far away”? (Ross turns aroud and glares at him. Joey and Rachel decide to leave).

[Scene: Mike’s apartment. His phone rings and he picks up]

Mike: Hello?

Monica: Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole “I never want to get married” thing and step up!

Mike: Who is this?

Monica: This is Monica! I’m Phoebe’s friend. Listen, Phoebe is back with David and he’s going to propose to her, and she is going to say “yes” but I know she really wants to be with you!

Mike: (sounds shocked and sits down) He… he’s gonna propose?

Monica: I… I’m sorry, did you say something? I can’t hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to move her huge hair away from the phone, in vain)

Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I’m not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you.

Monica: You don’t tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She’s at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I’ve got you, you’ve got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? (Mike hangs up the phone) Damnit!

(Chandler walks in)

Monica: (sarcastically) Well, I hope you’re happy!

Chandler: (pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you’re happy too, honey!

Monica: Phoebe is going to say “Yes” to David. See, that’s what happens when you meddle in people’s lives!

Chandler: Phoebe is going to say “yes”? That’s, that’s great!

Monica: No it’s not, b’cause she’s still in love with Mike!

Chandler: And there’s not chance that will work?

Monica: No, I called him. It’s not gonna happen.

Chandler: (pointing at her) Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler!

Monica: Well, if you hadn’t meddled to start with, I wouldn’t have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up – in the first place!

Chandler: This vacation sucks!!

[Scene: The hall, full of paleontologists. Rachel and Joey are walking around]

Joey: I’m so bored! Stupid rain, we… we can’t do anything.

Rachel: Well, I’ve brought some books. We could read.

Joey: Hey, it hasn’t come to that yet.

(A waiter walks by carrying appetizers or something on a tray)

Joey: (stopping the waiter) Hey hey hey! Don’t mind if I do!

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention (walks away)

Joey: Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a convention?

Rachel: We can’t. We’re not pharmacists!

Joey: (walking to a table with many badges on it) I know we’re not, but (he picks up a badge) Frank Medeio and… (picks up another badge) Eva Trorro… womba…

Rachel: (picking up another random badge) Kate Miller?

Joey: Kate Miller it is. (he picks up the Kate Miller badge and sticks it on Rachel’s breast)

Rachel: And… that’s the most sex I’m gonna have this weekend.

Joey: In that case should I make sure it’s on real good? (he does so, repeatedly tapping on her breast and stroking it)

Rachel: Thank you. (they walk away)

[Scene: Ross’s room. Charlie is sitting on the bed, while Ross is walking up and down nervously]

Charlie: And then, and then you said that thing about, about bringing the Mesozoic era in the 21st century.

Ross: Yeah, that’s it?

Charlie: Yeah.

Ross: Oh my God, we did it! (he sits beside her and skims through her notes excitedly)

Charlie: Actually I did it Ross. You remembered shockingly little of your own speech.

Ross: Yes, but I did make a pyramid out of the bath products. This is amazing, thank you, thank you so much. (he leans in, and they look at each other for a moment) That’s a pretty necklace.

Charlie: Thank you.

Ross: Hey, what do you say we celebrate? Champagne? (he goes to get the champagne)

Charlie: Oh yeah! Hey, save the cork and then we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so they don’t charge you.

Ross: Oh my God, I love you.

Charlie: Oh, this is such a cute picture of Emma. And is this your son… or just some kid whose picture you bring on vacation?

Ross: That’s Ben, my son from my first marriage.

Charlie: Your first marriage?

Ross: Yeah.

Charlie: You’re married more than once?

Ross: No. (they clink glasses and drink)

Charlie: So, why did you break up?

Ross: (embarassed) Oh, it was… it’s complicated, you know? She… she was… eh… gay.

Charlie: Oh my God, this is so cool!

Ross: Ok, odd thing to get excited about!

Charlie: No, it’s just… I was enganged to a guy who turned out to be gay!

Ross: Hey! High-five! (they high-five)

Charlie: Didn’t you feel so stupid that you didn’t see the signs? My fiancé was always going away on these long weekends with his tennis partner.

Ross: My wife had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn’t get any fitter.

Charlie: Right and then everybody finds out and they’re like: “Oh, I knew all along”

Ross: I know! It’s like, if you knew, why didn’t you tell me, you know? I mean, call, or leave a note: “Hi, I just dropped by to say your wife’s gay”

Charlie: I know!

Ross: And then, you try to make the best of a bad situation, so you float the idea of a threesome?

Charlie: I didn’t do that.

Ross: (embarassed) Me neither.

[Scene: the Pharmacist convention. Joey and Rachel are walking out of it, drinking cocktails]

Joey: Well, who knew? Pharmacists are fun.

Rachel: I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home.

Joey: Not enough pills in the world, Rach. What about you, you’re the single one, seen anybody in there you like?

Rachel: Well, let’s see. There was a really big guy that I was talking to, with the really nice breasts…

Joey: But what about back home, anything going on there? Anybody you like?

Rachel: (takes a sip from her drink, embarassed) No.

Joey: There it is, you’re blushing!

Rachel: No, I’m not blushing, I’m sunburnt! From, you know, the rain.

Joey: You like someone. Tell me who it is. Who is it? (tickles her a little)

Rachel: No.

Joey: Tell me who it is.

Rachel: Joey! (she walks away; Joey goes after her teasing and tickling her)

Joey: Come on who? Who do you like? Tell me. You’re not getting away that easy. Who do you like, who?

Rachel: Joey, come on! It doesn’t matter, you know, it’s not like anything’s gonna happen.

Joey: What? Why not? Rach, who can you not get?

Rachel: Oh! (pause) Ok. Ok, you really wanna know who it is?

Joey: (eagerly) Yeah, who is that?

Rachel: Do ya?

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross and Charlie walk into the hall from Ross’s room)

Ross and Charlie: Hey!

(Joey smiles at them. Rachel looks annoyed)

Charlie: (to Joey) I just left you a message! Ross and I were gonna go grab a bite, but now that you’re here, maybe we can go have that dinner.

Joey: Right, of course. Hey, did you guys finish the speech?

Ross: Yep, we got it, we got it. (To Charlie) Thank you so much.

Charlie: I had a great time.

Joey: Alright, hey look, and this isn’t over, because I really wanna know who…

Rachel: Later! La…

Charlie: So, shall we?

Joey: Yeah. (they leave)

Rachel: Ok. See you, bye.

Charlie: Bye.

Ross: Good night.

Joey: Night.

(Ross and Rachel watch them walk away and sigh. They look at each other, embarassed.)

Ross and Rachel: Ok, good night!

[Scene: The restaurant. Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table]

(Phoebe and David walk in)

Monica: I can’t believe she’s gonna say yes to David. She’s clearly in love with Mike.

Chandler: You know, it’s very hard to take you seriously when you look like that.

(David and Phoebe sit down at a table close to Chandler and Monica’s)

David: Uh, Phoebe, uh, I have… something I wanna say.

Monica: Oh my God, he’s gonna do it now. Please, I cannot watch this, let’s go.

Chandler: I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? (doing David) “Uh, Phoebe, uh, I would be honoured, uh…” Spit it out, David!

David: Uh, Phoebe, uh… (Chandler hits his own head) you’re an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was, was unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn’t help!

Phoebe: Sure, ok, yeah.

David: But well, now that we’re together again, I don’t ever want to be apart. So, to that end…

(David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike walks in, behind David)

Phoebe: Oh my God, Mike!

David: It’s David, actually!

Phoebe: No, Mike’s here.

David: (turns around) Hi Mike!

Mike: Hi David. Chandler. Monica… (Looks at Monica, checking her big hair, aghast) Oh!

Monica: IT’S THE HUMIDITY!

Mike: Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: What are you, what are you doing here?

Mike: I have a question I need to ask you.

David: I have a question I was kinda gonna ask her myself.

Mike: Yeah, I understand, but before you do, she really needs to hear this.

David: (annoyed) Ok, would you care for my seat as well?

Mike: Actually yeah, that’ll be great.

David: That’s fair, you’ve had a long trip. (he leaves his seat to Mike, and stands there looking for a chair. He finally goes to Monica and Chandler’s table)

Mike: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you.

David: Kinda stepped on the toes of what I was going to say.

Mike: Sorry David, but she really has to know this.

David: Alright, but after this I want to see you outside. If the rain stops.

Monica: You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. How can I lose you? (Phoebe looks very flattered) Now, I don’t actually have a ring…

David: I have a ring.

Chandler: I wouldn’t brag too much about that thing, big guy.

David: Phoebe, will you marry me?

Phoebe: (smiles at him happily for a few seconds before answering) No!

David: Uhm… Ha ha!

Phoebe: I love you. But I never needed a proposal from you. I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you know, that we had a future.

Mike: We can have any future you want.

(they hold their hands, gazing at each other)

David: Ok, I’m gonna take off.

Phoebe: David, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.

David: Just so I know, if I had asked first…

Phoebe: Yeah, I might have said yes, but that would have been wrong.

David: Please, you don’t have to explain. I mean, perhaps if I hadn’t gone to Minsk things would have worked out for us. And I wouldn’t have ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It was a good trip! (he leaves)

Mike: Is it ok if I hug you now?

Phoebe: Yes! (they hug)

Monica: (to everybody) BECAUSE OF OUR MEDDLING! Alright?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s room. Monica and Chandler are in bed.]

Chandler: Oh, ain’t this nice? It’s so quiet, I could just lie here all day.

Monica: I know (she snuggles to him)

(Rachel runs in)

Rachel: (walking in hurriedly) Open your drapes! Open your drapes!

Chandler: I’m so glad we’ve got adjoining rooms!

(Rachel opens the drapes)

Monica: The sun is out!

Chandler: Hey! Remember when I had corneas?

Monica: Ok listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs, and I’ll get the magazines and the lotion.

Chandler: Ladies? Ross’s speech is in 45 minutes.

Rachel: Nooo!

Monica: Damn it!

Ross: (from across the wall) Walls are pretty thin, guys!

[Scene: Conference room. Ross is making his keynote speech]

Ross: Then we have to await the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating.

Rachel: Look at that woman sitting by the pool getting tan… so leathery and wrinkled, I’m so jealous!

Ross: Finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus…

Chandler: (to a paleontologist sitting next to him) Not to mention the cold sores.

(the paleontologist glares at Chandler)

Ross: And that’s just the herbivores. I’m not even gonna discuss the carnivores, their heads are already too big. Which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development.

(all the paleontologists laugh)

Chandler: (to the one sitting next to him) Really?

Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster [1] is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus…

(Joey laughs)

Charlie: What?

Joey: He said “erectus”!

Charlie: You’re… you’re kidding, right?

Joey: No, he really said it.

Ross: … and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus…

(Rachel laughs)

Joey: Erectus?

Rachel: Homo.

[Scene: the hotel conference room]

Ross: (concluding his speech)… in a very real way we can bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. (pauses) Thank you!

(Everybody stands up and applauds. Ross looks flattered and surprised. His friends and other members of the audience go to congratulate him)

Ross: Oh, thanks guys!

Man with a bow tie: (shaking hands with Ross) I thought… it was wonderful!

Ross: Oh!

Man with a bow tie: Jarvis Oberblau, Cornell. (sighs) I mean, the ideas you put forth and, and from someone… so… young… and… (sighs again and smiles at Ross blissfully).

Ross: (with a frozen smile on his face, realizing something’s wrong with Jarvis) Ok… now… now we’re just holding hands! (pulls his hand away)

Rachel: All right! Well, uh… (to Monica) we’re gonna hit the beach?

Monica: Yeah!

Rachel: (to Ross, in a flattering tone) It was really… great!

Ross: Oh, thank you so much!

Joey: Yeah, and so funny!

Rachel: Oh!

(Rachel, Joey and Chandler pat him on his shoulders and walk off, together with Monica)

Ross: (puzzled) Ok!… All right, thanks! Thank you so much, you guys! (to Phoebe) Oh, I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you were here!

Mike: (popping by, smiling) You’re kidding, we wouldn’t have missed it!

(Ross is dumbfounded to see Mike instead of David)

Mike: Oh… I’m back!

Ross: (skating over, embarrassed) Ok!… Uh… excuse me? Yeah?

Phoebe & Mike: Yeah! (they leave)

(Ross goes towards Charlie, who’s conversing with a fellow paleontologist, and touches her shoulder to get her attention)

Ross: Hey! (she turns to him) Well…? (in expectation)

Charlie: You were incredible!

Ross: Yeah?

Charlie: You blew them away!

Ross: Oh, I can’t tell you how great it was to look at the crowd and see your face! I mean… uh, did you know you were (giggles) mouthing the words along with me?

Charlie: (smiling broadly) I was not!

Ross: No, it’s ok! Made me feel like a rock star!

Charlie: Oh my God! (pauses) I’m your groupie!

Ross: (joking) I’d better not found you naked in my hotel room!

(Ross giggles, but Charlie isn’t amused at all.)

Ross: (realizing his joke wasn’t so good, but still giggling) Look, I took it too far!

[Scene: the hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.]

Monica: (her hair bigger then before) I can’t believe it’s raining again! Oh, it’s so unfair!!!

(They approach the buffet, where a couple of paleontologists are sipping their drinks)

Phoebe: Well, on the bright side, now you won’t have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. (Grabs a drink and notices that the two men are upset) Not you guys. You got it going on!

(Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away, sipping their drinks)

Monica: So, what are we gonna do today?

Mike: They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff.

Monica: (pleasantly surprised) Ping pong? (to Chandler) Honey, they have ping pong! Let’s play!

Chandler: I don’t think so!

Monica: (disappointed) Why not?

Chandler: Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it’s cute, others disagree, and I’m lying!

Monica: I’m not always that bad!

Chandler: Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time?

Monica: (hesitatingly) I punched you…?

Chandler: And…?

Monica: … Phoebe…?

Phoebe: … and…?

Monica: I clunked your heads together!

(Chandler turns to Mike and gives him a “See what I mean?” look)

[Scene: Joey and Charlie’s room]

(Joey is sitting in an armchair and wearing a diving mask. He pulls out a grape from a bunch of fake grapes on the coffee table, puts it on the snorkel’s breathing tube and blows it out, then giggles to himself)

Charlie: (walking in) Hey! There you are!

Joey: Hey! (stands up) As soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! Some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya! (smiles ecstatic)

Charlie: I’m sorry, I can’t! I’m running a discussion group all afternoon.

Joey: (disappointed) Oh… oh, but that’s ok, I’ll find someone else to do it… I’ll do it alone, but… I don’t know what happens if the sea turtle catches you…

Charlie: You know… I feel so bad! I haven’t seen you this whole trip and (pauses) especially last night…

Joey: (interrupting her) Hey! Don’t worry about it! It was fine! I ended up having the best time with Rachel! I just felt bad for you, stuck in that room, working on Ross’s speech… (pulls a face)

Charlie: Actually, it turned out to be a lot of fun!

Joey: (bewildered) Oh! Oh, well! At least we’re both having fun!

Charlie: Yeah…

(There’s an awkward moment of silence)

Charlie: … is it weird that it’s not with each other?

Joey: Yeah! A little bit, yeah…

Charlie: (sitting down on the bed) I think we need to talk…!

(pause)

Joey: Yeah… I think we do… (sighs, with folded arms)… about what?

[Scene: the hotel game room. There is a ping pong table in the middle of the room. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in]

Monica: C’mon guys, it’ll be fun!

Phoebe: All right, all right… I’ll play if we don’t keep score!

Monica: But then how do we know who wins?

Phoebe: Nobody wins!

Monica: So, we’re just four losers… SUPER!

Chandler: I’m not playing with you.

Phoebe: Yeah, I’m out.

Mike: I’ll play ya!

Monica: (smiling) OK!

Phoebe: Mike, you don’t know, you don’t know what you’re doing!

Chandler: She gets crazy! This scar (points to his forehead) is from Pictionary!

(Monica rolls her eyes)

Mike: (disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve?

Monica: Sure! Got to!

(Monica and Mike start to play ping pong. Mike scores)

Monica: Aww!

Mike: Oh, by the way… I’m awesome!!

Chandler: (nearly whispering) Oh dear God, there’s two of them!

Mike: You’re ready to play?

Monica: Hell, yeah!

Chandler: (to Phoebe) Did you know this about him?

Phoebe: No idea! I though he was soft like you!

Mike: Wanna make it more interesting?

Monica: How much were you thinking?

Mike: Ten bucks a game?

Monica: Make it fifty!

Mike: I’ll make it a hundred!

Monica: (nearly shouting) One thousand…

Chandler: (interrupting her) OK!

Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter?

Monica: (going through her pockets) No… (to Chandler and Phoebe) Either of you girls got a quarter?

Chandler: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!

Phoebe: (picks up a coin from her bra) Monica, you call it.

Monica: Heads! No, Tails! He-he-heads!

Phoebe: Tails!

Monica: (angry) Ow, what are the chances!

(They start playing again)

Monica: Ha! My point!

Mike: Oh, no! I don’t think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.

Phoebe: (smiling proudly) He was a lawyer!

[Scene: Rachel’s hotel room. She is watching the Weather Channel on TV.]

Alexandra Steele: (meteorologist) (pointing to the East Coast)… all these coasts having beautiful weather. In New York, it’s 72 and sunny!

Rachel: Oh! Weather bitch! (turns the TV off)

(Someone knocks on the door)

Rachel: It’s open! (Joey walks in) Hi, Joe!

Joey: (downhearted) Hey…

Rachel: (worried) What, is everything ok?

Joey: Uh… Charlie and I broke up.

Rachel: Nooooo, why?

Joey: Oh well, she said we have nothing in common.

Rachel: (laughing) Oh, that’s crazy!

Joey: No, it’s not, we have nothing in common!

Rachel: … yeah, it’s true.

Joey: I mean, she should be with someone like… Ross! You know what I mean, he uses all those big words too! Man, smart people are dull!

Rachel: (pretending to be offended) What, hey!

Joey: (laughing sarcastically) Ok, Rach!

(He punches her on her shoulder mockingly, then goes and sits down on her bed)

Joey: I feel so stupid, you know? Why… why do I keep going after the wrong girls?

Rachel: W-What are you, what are you talking about?

Joey: Oh, c’mon, I mean, there’s you, then there’s Charlie, and it’s like… (sighs) What the hell is my problem? OH! (He falls back on the bed)

Rachel: Ok… uh… maybe you’re not always going after the wrong girl…

Joey: (sitting up again) I’m telling you, Rach, Charlie is not right for me!

Rachel: Yeah, I’m not talking about her…

Joey: But then who? The waitress I went out with last month? (gives her a meaningful look)

Rachel: You know? Forget it!

Joey: (stands up) No-no-no-no, no! Who, who were you talking about?

Rachel: No, I-I-I-I don’t, I actually don’t know who I’m talking about! So!

Joey: Ok! All right, well… I’m gonna see if I can get a room for the night and I’ll… I’ll see you later!

Rachel: Yeah, sure!

(Joey walks out, while Rachel is pensive. Once he’s out of her room, he suddenly realizes who she was talking about and goes back in. He looks at her in disbelief and she looks like she was caught red-handed)

[Scene: Rachel’s hotel room. Joey is standing at the door, facing Rachel]

Joey: You like me? (shuts the door)

Rachel: (nearly whispering) Ok, let’s not make a big thing about this!

Joey: (shocked) That’s a huge thing!

Rachel: Not working with me, Joe! Here’s the thing: lately I have been having thoughts (pauses) musings, if you will!

Joey: What… for how long?

Rachel: Only like a month!

Joey: (outraged) A MONTH??

Rachel: What the… DIAL IT DOWN! (Joey goes to sit on the bed) Listen, ok, and maybe they’re crazy thoughts, but sometimes I do, I have, I’ve been thinking about… you know, us! (looks at Joey, who’s totally distraught) Ok, dial it up a little!

Joey: (stands up) I just have one question!

Rachel: Shoot!

Joey: (desperate) What the hell are you doin’???

Rachel: I don’t know, I’m not trying to do anything, it’s just, we have such a good time when we’re together, you know… I mean, aren’t you just a… little curious… (insinuating) what that would be like?…

Joey: Uh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious as… as… George!!

Rachel: (puzzled) Who…?

Joey: CURIOUS GEORGE (see link)! You know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat!

Rachel: Oh yes, of course, I remember him!

Joey: Yeah, he had a paper route.

Rachel: Yeah, he did! (smiling) Oh, see, this is what I’m talking about!

Joey: No, I know, yeah I know we’re great but Rach no… this… this can’t happen!

Rachel: But can it… just… happen a little bit?

Joey: (charmed, but then recoiling) NO, NO! It can’t happen at all!

Rachel: But why, why not?

Joey: Because… look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? (in a trembling voice) I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no! (sighs) I couldn’t do it to Ross!

Rachel: But that wasn’t gonna stop you before!

Joey: I know, I know! But I’ve thought about it a lot since, and it just wouldn’t be right… (painfully) I’m sorry…!

Rachel: (regretful) I’m sorry, too! (they look at each other sadly, then she recollects, and puts her hands over her eyes) OH GOD! I shouldn’t have said anything!

Joey: NO! No-no-no-no-no-no! Hey! Hey, we’ll be fine! Li… hey, like you said: no big deal!

Rachel: It’s not a big deal!

Joey: NO BIG DEAL!

Rachel: It’s so not a big deal!

Joey: Yeah! I’ll see ya later! Yeah!

Rachel: Ok!

(They shake hands, he walks out and shuts the door, then seems to change his mind, moves to open the door, than changes his mind again and leans over the door. Just then, Rachel opens the door)

Rachel: Ok, I…

(Joey falls backwards into the room)

Rachel: AAAHHHH!

(Joey hurriedly stands up, arms akimbo, gives her an embarrassed look and walks away)

[Scene: the hotel game room. Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]

Monica: Ooh! I’m sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table!

Mike: Do you?

Monica: Ah, yeah!

Mike: Do you?

Monica: Ah, yeaaah!

Mike: DO YOU?

Monica: AH YEAAAAH!

Chandler: (to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?

Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you… you’re not even… a little turned on by Monica, right now?

(Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is decidedly sniffing her armpits)

Chandler: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I’ve felt like the more attractive one.

Phoebe: C’mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!

(Mike scores)

Monica: Oh, damn it!

Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him!

Mike: (boasting) Game, point!

Monica: (threatening) Don’t get too cocky! Remember I won the last one! Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?

Mike: You know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that.

(they continue to play ping pong and then Mike scores, winning the game)

Monica: NO, NO, NOOO!

Mike: And that’s how it’s done! (Phoebe kisses him)

Chandler: Okay-dokay, you’ve each won a game and I’ve lost what’s felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.

Monica: Best out of three?

Mike: That’s what I’m thinking.

Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?

Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!

Mike: (doing Monica and mumbling): Serve the ball, chump.

Phoebe: (to Mike) Ok Mike, better come back Mike, better come back.

[Scene: hotel’s bar, Ross and Mr. Oberblau are talking]

Mr. Oberblau: I’m just saying, I have a cabin in the Adirondacks if you ever want to get away from the city, well, that’d be (pause) just nifty!

Ross: Ooh, well. Ah, I kinda have got a lot on my plate right now, not that I wouldn’t love a weekend in the country with a strange man. (Mr. Oberblau giggles)

Woman: Jarvis?

Mr. Oberblau: (seeing her) Oh, you’re back… (to Ross) this is my wife, Nancy.

Ross: Get Out!

(Charlie walks by)

Charlie: Ross, can I talk to you for a minute?

Ross: Yes, please! (they move and sit down on a sofa) So, what’s going on?

Charlie: Uh, well… Joey and I broke up.

Ross: Oh my God, wh-what happened?

Charlie: Joey is a great guy, but we’re just… so different! I mean, during your speech he kept laughing at homo erectus!

Ross: I knew that was him!

Charlie: Anyway I just, uh, I think it’s for the best.

Ross: (holding her hand) Hey, you ok?

Charlie: I guess. There was hum… (she breathes deeply) there was another reason that I thought it was time to end it with Joey. I started to realize that I was having feelings for someone (pause) else.

(some paleontologists interrupt them)

Paleontologist: (merrily) Ok Geller. Last day of the conference, you know what happens to the keynote speaker.

Ross: Oh, professor Clerk we’re kind of in the middle of a conversation, here.

Charlie: Yeah, can you guys just throw him in the pool later?

Professore Clerk: Or we could throw you both in now!

Ross: (standing) Ok, gentlemen! Please! Aren’t we a little old for this? I mean, we’re scientists, right? We’re academics. And most importantly I… you-you will have to catch us first. (he starts to run away with Charlie). GO, GO, GO! (the paleontologists starts chasing them)

[Scene: game room, Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]

(Chandler and Phoebe look bored to death. Monica scores and laughs)

Mike: Ok, so it’s a tie again, 41 to 41.

Chandler: (exhausted) Ok, look! Enough is enough!

Monica: No, I have just to have two more points to beat him!

Chandler: Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Ok, you’ve already proven you are just as good as he is, now we’ve missed our dinner reservations, so now let’s just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!

Monica: I can’t just walk away! I’ve put in four hours!

Chandler: But…

Monica: Look! You knew this about me when you married me! You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness!

Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning?

Monica: That’s just good sense!

(they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand)

Monica: (in pain) Aww! (she holds her hand, moaning like she’s biting back a scream)

Chandler: You ok?

Monica: No, no, no. Honey, I’m ok. Shake it off! (she shakes the wrist and it’s more painful) Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! (pause) Oh my God! I can’t play!

Mike: So you forfeit?

Phoebe: Mike wins?

Monica: I can’t believe it! (pause) I lost!

Chandler: No, you didn’t.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Because I’m gonna play for ya.

Phoebe: You can’t do that!

Mike: Oh, that’s ok. I don’t care which of them I beat.

Phoebe: Ok, we’re taking that paddle home, mister.

Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, you don’t have to do this.

Chandler: (In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it’s important to you then it’s important to me, because I love you.

Monica: But… you suck!

Chandler: (Still in a loving voice) You’re welcome, sweetheart.

(Chandler prepares to play)

Chandler: All right Mike, let’s get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.

Mike: Ok!

(They start playing and Chandler does not suck at all)

Monica: Oh my God! You’re good!

Phoebe: It’s like watching porn!

(Chandler scores and wins the match)

Chandler: And that’s… how… it’s done!

Monica: (to Chandler) Oh my God. That was so amazing! When did you (pause) Hold on! I almost forgot (she turns to Mike) loser! (back to Chandler) When did you stop sucking?

Chandler: I never sucked, I actually didn’t want you to know how good I was!

Monica: Why?

Chandler: I don’t know.

Monica: This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments!

Chandler: That’s why!

[Scene: Hotel’s bar. Ross is running to Charlie trying not to be seen with two cocktails in his hands. She’s hidden behind a huge plant]

Charlie: Thanks!

Ross: Hi.

Charlie: Are they still looking for us?

Ross: Yeah. The bartender said that they split up into two search parties, the herbivores and the carnivores. (pause) You know, we as a group are not the coolest.

(Three paleontologists walk by and Ross hugs Charlie trying not to be seen)

Ross: I don’t think they saw us.

Charlie: I don’t think they did.

(They realize that they are hugging closely and he draws back)

Charlie: Hum, so, I started to say you something earlier, hum… (pause) There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I kind of realized I… was starting to have feelings… for someone else.

Ross: (apparently unruffled) Oh. Can I… can I ask who?

Charlie: I think you know.

Ross: I think I know too but I’ve been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so…

(Charlie kisses Ross, they stop for a moment and then he kisses her back)

Ross: I’m sorry… we… we can’t.

Charlie: All right, all right.

Ross: I mean, you just went out with my best friend, and I just think it’d be a really really bad idea. (pause) Or-or not! (they kiss passionately)

(Joey walks in and sees Ross and Charlie kissing. He gives a faint, rueful smile, then he seems to recollect something and suddenly he moves back to Rachel’s room. He knocks on her door and she opens)

Rachel: What?

(Joey says nothing, but enters the room and kisses her. They are kissing passionately only to stop for a brief “oh” from Rachel. They continue their passionate kiss and Joey closes the door with his foot and it shuts in the camera’s “face”. And that’s the end of the ninth season.)

End

[1] Homo ergaster: Some scientists classify some African erectus specimens as belonging to a separate species, Homo ergaster, which differs from the Asian H. erectus fossils in some details of the skull (e.g. the brow ridges differ in shape, and erectus would have a larger brain size).

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Part 1 written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri
Part 2 written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Directed by: Kevin S. Bright
Transcribed by: Andreina, Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Central Perk]

Joey: (entering) Hey! I’m all packed and ready to go!

Ross: Oh, that’s right! (to Emma) Daddy and uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We’re going to a conference in Barbados, right?

Joey: Mmh-mmh.

Ross: (to Emma) Can you say Barbados?

Joey: Barbados!

Ross: Ok, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much to me that you guys are coming all the way over there to hear me do my speech! UH! And I’ve a surprise, uh… I had to pull some strings but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference! That’s right! (he gives them their passes) This babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.

Rachel: Do you have anything that would… get us out of them?

Chandler: Yeah Ross, I mean… we’re excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we’re gonna wanna do, you know, “island’s stuff”.

Phoebe: I think David would probably wanna hear a few lectures.

Ross: Oh, right, because he’s a scientist!

Phoebe: No, no, because, you know, he’s been in Minsk for 8 years and if he gets too much direct sunlight, he’ll die.

Ross: Ok, we gotta go, yeah? So, we’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Joey: All right, let’s do it! 5 hour flight with Charlie, have a couple of drinks, get under that blanket and do what comes naturally.

Ross: It’s a blanket Joe, not a cloak of invisibility!

Opening credits

[Scene: Paradise Hotel lounge in Barbados]

Charlie: Wow! This place is beautiful!

Ross: (very excited) Look at all these paleontologists!!

Joey: I know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! (A woman goes towards them)

Woman: Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re here!

Joey: (to Charlie) I think I’ve been recognized, this happens all the time!

Woman: Doctor Geller, I’m such a huge fan!

Joey: That… never happens…

Woman: I’ve been following your career for years, I-I can’t wait for your keynote speech.

Ross: Wow! This is very flattering, uh…

Woman: I would love your autograph. (hands him a notepad)

Ross: Uh, uh… Sure! Uhm… “Dear…” (he takes the notepad)

Woman: Sarah.

Ross: “… Sarah. I dig you”, Uh? “Doctor Ross Geller”.

Sarah: Thank you so much!

Ross: Yeah, oh and Sarah… I’d like to introduce you to my colleague, uh, Professor Wheeler, a-and this is Joey Tribbiani.

Sarah: (to Joey) Are you a paleontologist?

Joey: No, God, no! No! No no, I’m an actor. You’d probably recognize me from a little show called “The Days of Our Lives”.

Ross: Dude, it’s just “Days of Our Lives”… there’s no the.

Joey: (thinking he’s kidding) Ok, Ross! It’s… It’s fun, yeah! No, I-I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.

Sarah: I’m sorry, I don’t own a TV.

Joey: You don’t own a TV? What’s all your furniture pointed at??

[Scene: Central Perk]

Monica: David, can you help me?! I’m trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.

David: Oh, certainly. That’s a combination of Bernoulli’s principle and Newton’s third law of motion.

Monica: (to Chandler) See?

Chandler: Yeah, that’s the same as “it has something to do with wind”.

Monica: Alright, I’m gonna go pick up a few things for the trip.

Phoebe: Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now… tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there.

(Everyone looks at her)

Phoebe: Mike?? Who’s Mike?

David: Mike is your ex… uh… boyfriend!

Phoebe: That’s right! Oh, yeah… Well, I’ve totally forgotten about im! AH! That’s-That’s… a blast from the past!

David: It’s ok. Ho-honest mistake.

Phoebe: Really, it doesn’t mean anything. I mean, you know, Monica refers to Chandler as Richard all the time!

Chandler: (upset) She does?

Monica: (pinching her) Let’s get you out of here!! (they go outside)

(Outside the Central Perk)

Monica: At least you took me down with you!

Phoebe: I’m sooo sorry!! I just… I keep thinking about Mike! I’m crazy about David, and we’re having so much fun together. Why-Why do I miss Mike? That’s-that’s gonna go away, right?

Monica: I guess, in time.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: I mean, my feelings for Richard are certainly gone.

Phoebe: You just did it again. Chandler, your feelings for Chandler are certainly gone!

[Scene: Inside Central Perk]

David: (to Chandler) Well, Phoebe’s still pretty hung up on that Mike, uh?

Chandler: I wouldn’t read too much into it.

David: Still you know, a girl calls you by your ex-boyfriend’s name, that-that’s not a good thing, right?

Chandler: David, let me stop you there ’cause I think I see where this is going. I’m not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or… Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee.

David: Sorry, I just… I wish there was something I could do, you know? Well, you know Phoebe…

Chandler: Seriously, we’re gonna do this?

David: I’m sorry, uh… I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know… Why did Phoebe and Mike break up?

Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I’m sorry, that’s the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn’t want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you’d be open to marriage?

David: That’s great! That’s great! I-I’ll propose to her!

Chandler: What?

David: Well, I was probably going to do it at some point.

Chandler: I didn’t mean now

David: Why not? It’s brilliant! (talking to an imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we’ll see you at the wedding, fella! (pause) well, we probably won’t invite you to the wedding… (to Chandler) Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely.

Chandler: Well, you’re welcome! Glad I could help.

David: (after a while) How do you think I should propose?

Chandler: David, I’m pretending to read here!!

[Scene: Joey in his hotel in room in Barbados]

(Trying on a hat and talking to his own reflection in the mirror)

Joey: Yeah! How you doin’? Yeah alright!

(Charlie comes out the bathroom)

Joey: Hey, hey! You said you’re gonna wear a thong, where’s the thong?

Charlie: (laughing) I didn’t mean a thong… I meant thongs

Joey: You really should have been more clear about that!

(Someone knocks the door, Joey goes to open it and Ross is on the other side)

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: (Excited) You’re never going to guess who I just saw downstairs!

Joey: Oh! ah! eh… Britney Spears!?

Ross: Yeah, she never misses these conferences! (then to Charlie) No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth Schwartz!

Charlie: Oh my God! Did you talk to him?

Ross: Yeah… what am I going to say to Kenneth Schwartz?

Joey: You could say: “Hey Kenny, how come you’re not Britney Spears?” (looks at Ross matter-of-factly)

Ross: (to Charlie) Ready to go?

Charlie: Yeah!

Joey: Wha…? You’re gonna go now? I thought we could hang out?

Charlie: Oh I can’t… I have seminars all day and I promised Ross I would look at his speech.

Ross: Yeah.

Charlie: But maybe we can have dinner later? On the balcony? Will be romantic.

Joey: (smiling) Will you wear a thong?

Charlie: I will if you will.

Joey: Oh… you got yourself a very weird deal!

Ross: (a little embarassed by their conversation) I’m good, I have dinner plans (moves away from them).

Charlie: So you’ll be ok?

Joey: Yeah, yeah. I’ve got tons of stuff I could do. I’m gonna hit the beach, go swimming…

Ross: Uh, Joe, have you looked outside?

Joey: No, why?

(Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains revealing that it’s raining outside)

Joey: Oh man!

Charlie: There’s an indoor pool, you can swim there! (Ross agrees)

Joey: I wasn’t gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! (removes a small plastic spade used by children to play on the beach from his backpack)

[Scene: Back in New York, Monica and Chandler in Central Perk on the couch]

Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don’t know what’s gonna happen with Phoebe and David.

Chandler: (smiling cheekily) I do! Want a hint? huh? “I do” (Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats) “I do”.

Monica: Ok, I’m sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.

Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.

Monica: What? (looks very shocked) Why?

Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.

Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn’t you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?

Chandler: I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?

Monica: They’ve only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She’ll say “No”, David’s heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.

Chandler: Man, that’s some bad advice!

[Scene: Barbados, hotel lounge. David, Phoebe and Rachel have just arrived.]

(Joey spots them and walks towards them)

Joey: Oh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here!

Rachel: Hey! Hey what’s going on?

Joey: Everything is upside down here! It rains all day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous!

(Rachel turns around and sees Chandler and Monica arriving)

Rachel: Alright, I don’t wanna alarm anybody, but Monica’s hair is twice as big as it was when we landed!

(Monica and Chandler reach the group)

Monica: Ok! When I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?!

Chandler: That’s why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross!

Joey: Come on, I’ll show you guys where to check in (Joey, Chandler and David leave)

Monica: (to Chandler) Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed!

Phoebe: (shouts after David) Oh! David, get one for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! And with mirrors on the ceiling!

Monica: (shouts to Chandler) And make sure our room isn’t next to theirs (points to Phoebe).

Rachel: Ooh! You guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known it’s such a romantic place. That’s all, I just wish I could (looks at Joey who is at the check in desk) share that with a guy.

Phoebe: Not Joey.

Rachel: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler.

Monica: Yeah, right!

[Cut to the guys]

David: So, ehm… I’m proposing to Pheobe tonight. (Removes a ring box from his pocket and opens it to show Chandler the ring)

Chandler: Tonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn’t an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? (squints at the ring to emphasize how tiny the diamond is) Oh, there it is!

David: Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn’t pay quite as well as you might think. That’s uhm… one seventieth of a karat. And the clarity is uhm… is quite poor.

Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)

Chandler: Monica, can I talk to you for a sec? (Pulls her away from Phoebe and Rachel)

Monica: Ok!

Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight!

Monica: See what happens when you give people advice? I hope you told him not to?

Chandler: That would be advice!!

Monica: Ok fine. I’ll handle this. (goes to Phoebe who’s talking to Rachel) Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: (looking very serious) I need to talk to you.

Phoebe: Are you leaving “The Supremes”? (Monica and Phoebe go to one side)

MOnica: Ok, my husband just gave your boyfriend some very bad advice. Look, David is going to propose to you tonight.

Phoebe: Wow? Really? That’s fantastic!

Monica: What are you serious? You wanna marry him? Wha… What about Mike?

Phoebe: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let’s just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. I can just see it: “Mike, do you take Phoebe…” (gestures with her hand as if someone is covering her mouth and tries to shout “No! No!”) You know, it’s every girl’s dream!

Monica: Do you really think marrying someone else is the right answer?

Phoebe: Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike… David! David. I love David. Don’t look at me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna!

[Scene: Ross’s hotel room. Ross and is reading his keynote speech to Charlie from his laptop]

Ross: By using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century.

Charlie: It’s great. You’re gonna be the hit of the conference.

Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won’t be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it’s Joey, Rachel and Chandler).

Joey: Hey guys!

Ross: The chocolates aren’t here yet.

Joey: Damnit!

Charlie: Ross just read me his speech. It’s fantastic!

Chandler: Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I’d love to give it a read…?

Ross: If you want to check your email, just ask! (Chandler tries to look offended)

Chandler: (offended) What? (pause) May I?

Rachel: (looking out the window) What’s with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season.

Charlie: Actually the wet season is June to December.

Rachel: It’s not the time Charlie.

Chandler: (at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear God, no!

Joey: Oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? (Chandler looks annoyed at him and Joey leans in to him) Oh! Secret teapot?

Chandler: Your computer, I don’t know wha… everything’s gone!

Ross: Wha… what do you mean? (Goes to the laptop)

Chandler: It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive.

Ross: What, oh my God. What did you do?

Chandler: Someone I don’t know sent me an e-mail and I opened it.

Ross: Why, why would you open it?

Chandler: Well, it didn’t say “This is a virus”!!

Ross: What did it say?

Chandler: Nude… (Ross looks at him)… pictures of Anna Kournikova. I’m so sorry.

Ross: What… what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler!

Chandler: It’s not gone! I mean, I’m sure you printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right?

Ross: NO! I don’t!!

Chandler: Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now…!

[Time lapse: Ross looks likes he’s been trying to fix his computer but just closes it as if giving up]

Joey: It’s really gone?

Ross: Yep! I’d like to thank you guys for coming down here to complain about the rain and ruin my career!

Chandler: I just feel awful.

Ross: Yeah, well you should! I mean, nude pictures of Anna Kournikova? I mean, she’s never even won a major tournament!

Chandler: Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but… (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same “I’m gonna kill you” look…? I can usually make it go away by kissing her… (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he’s going to kiss Ross)

Ross: Get out! (Chandler runs out)

Rachel: You know, this happens all the time to my computer at work.

Ross: Well, what do you do?

Rachel: Well, I usually go… play Tetris on somebody else’s computer.

Ross: I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this is happening. I have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say?

Joey: I could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions.

Ross: I don’t think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe!

Charlie: Ross, we can solve this. I just heard your speech. We can recreate it! We’ve got all night!

Ross: Wha… what you really think we can do that?

Charlie: Oh wait, Joey and I are supposed to have dinner (Looks at Joey).

Joey: Hey don’t worry about that! I mean, Ross needs you! And Rachel and I will stay and help anyway we can.

Rachel: Ugh.

Ross: Alright, ok, let’s do it. (Ross sits down at the desk and they all gather around him) Uhm, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating… uhm, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! (Rachel and Joey look confused) And then, there’s the… eh… there’s the overview of the Triassic.

Joey: Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a “Galaxy far, far away”? (Ross turns aroud and glares at him. Joey and Rachel decide to leave).

[Scene: Mike’s apartment. His phone rings and he picks up]

Mike: Hello?

Monica: Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole “I never want to get married” thing and step up!

Mike: Who is this?

Monica: This is Monica! I’m Phoebe’s friend. Listen, Phoebe is back with David and he’s going to propose to her, and she is going to say “yes” but I know she really wants to be with you!

Mike: (sounds shocked and sits down) He… he’s gonna propose?

Monica: I… I’m sorry, did you say something? I can’t hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to move her huge hair away from the phone, in vain)

Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I’m not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you.

Monica: You don’t tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She’s at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I’ve got you, you’ve got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? (Mike hangs up the phone) Damnit!

(Chandler walks in)

Monica: (sarcastically) Well, I hope you’re happy!

Chandler: (pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you’re happy too, honey!

Monica: Phoebe is going to say “Yes” to David. See, that’s what happens when you meddle in people’s lives!

Chandler: Phoebe is going to say “yes”? That’s, that’s great!

Monica: No it’s not, b’cause she’s still in love with Mike!

Chandler: And there’s not chance that will work?

Monica: No, I called him. It’s not gonna happen.

Chandler: (pointing at her) Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler!

Monica: Well, if you hadn’t meddled to start with, I wouldn’t have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up – in the first place!

Chandler: This vacation sucks!!

[Scene: The hall, full of paleontologists. Rachel and Joey are walking around]

Joey: I’m so bored! Stupid rain, we… we can’t do anything.

Rachel: Well, I’ve brought some books. We could read.

Joey: Hey, it hasn’t come to that yet.

(A waiter walks by carrying appetizers or something on a tray)

Joey: (stopping the waiter) Hey hey hey! Don’t mind if I do!

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention (walks away)

Joey: Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a convention?

Rachel: We can’t. We’re not pharmacists!

Joey: (walking to a table with many badges on it) I know we’re not, but (he picks up a badge) Frank Medeio and… (picks up another badge) Eva Trorro… womba…

Rachel: (picking up another random badge) Kate Miller?

Joey: Kate Miller it is. (he picks up the Kate Miller badge and sticks it on Rachel’s breast)

Rachel: And… that’s the most sex I’m gonna have this weekend.

Joey: In that case should I make sure it’s on real good? (he does so, repeatedly tapping on her breast and stroking it)

Rachel: Thank you. (they walk away)

[Scene: Ross’s room. Charlie is sitting on the bed, while Ross is walking up and down nervously]

Charlie: And then, and then you said that thing about, about bringing the Mesozoic era in the 21st century.

Ross: Yeah, that’s it?

Charlie: Yeah.

Ross: Oh my God, we did it! (he sits beside her and skims through her notes excitedly)

Charlie: Actually I did it Ross. You remembered shockingly little of your own speech.

Ross: Yes, but I did make a pyramid out of the bath products. This is amazing, thank you, thank you so much. (he leans in, and they look at each other for a moment) That’s a pretty necklace.

Charlie: Thank you.

Ross: Hey, what do you say we celebrate? Champagne? (he goes to get the champagne)

Charlie: Oh yeah! Hey, save the cork and then we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so they don’t charge you.

Ross: Oh my God, I love you.

Charlie: Oh, this is such a cute picture of Emma. And is this your son… or just some kid whose picture you bring on vacation?

Ross: That’s Ben, my son from my first marriage.

Charlie: Your first marriage?

Ross: Yeah.

Charlie: You’re married more than once?

Ross: No. (they clink glasses and drink)

Charlie: So, why did you break up?

Ross: (embarassed) Oh, it was… it’s complicated, you know? She… she was… eh… gay.

Charlie: Oh my God, this is so cool!

Ross: Ok, odd thing to get excited about!

Charlie: No, it’s just… I was enganged to a guy who turned out to be gay!

Ross: Hey! High-five! (they high-five)

Charlie: Didn’t you feel so stupid that you didn’t see the signs? My fiancé was always going away on these long weekends with his tennis partner.

Ross: My wife had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn’t get any fitter.

Charlie: Right and then everybody finds out and they’re like: “Oh, I knew all along”

Ross: I know! It’s like, if you knew, why didn’t you tell me, you know? I mean, call, or leave a note: “Hi, I just dropped by to say your wife’s gay”

Charlie: I know!

Ross: And then, you try to make the best of a bad situation, so you float the idea of a threesome?

Charlie: I didn’t do that.

Ross: (embarassed) Me neither.

[Scene: the Pharmacist convention. Joey and Rachel are walking out of it, drinking cocktails]

Joey: Well, who knew? Pharmacists are fun.

Rachel: I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home.

Joey: Not enough pills in the world, Rach. What about you, you’re the single one, seen anybody in there you like?

Rachel: Well, let’s see. There was a really big guy that I was talking to, with the really nice breasts…

Joey: But what about back home, anything going on there? Anybody you like?

Rachel: (takes a sip from her drink, embarassed) No.

Joey: There it is, you’re blushing!

Rachel: No, I’m not blushing, I’m sunburnt! From, you know, the rain.

Joey: You like someone. Tell me who it is. Who is it? (tickles her a little)

Rachel: No.

Joey: Tell me who it is.

Rachel: Joey! (she walks away; Joey goes after her teasing and tickling her)

Joey: Come on who? Who do you like? Tell me. You’re not getting away that easy. Who do you like, who?

Rachel: Joey, come on! It doesn’t matter, you know, it’s not like anything’s gonna happen.

Joey: What? Why not? Rach, who can you not get?

Rachel: Oh! (pause) Ok. Ok, you really wanna know who it is?

Joey: (eagerly) Yeah, who is that?

Rachel: Do ya?

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross and Charlie walk into the hall from Ross’s room)

Ross and Charlie: Hey!

(Joey smiles at them. Rachel looks annoyed)

Charlie: (to Joey) I just left you a message! Ross and I were gonna go grab a bite, but now that you’re here, maybe we can go have that dinner.

Joey: Right, of course. Hey, did you guys finish the speech?

Ross: Yep, we got it, we got it. (To Charlie) Thank you so much.

Charlie: I had a great time.

Joey: Alright, hey look, and this isn’t over, because I really wanna know who…

Rachel: Later! La…

Charlie: So, shall we?

Joey: Yeah. (they leave)

Rachel: Ok. See you, bye.

Charlie: Bye.

Ross: Good night.

Joey: Night.

(Ross and Rachel watch them walk away and sigh. They look at each other, embarassed.)

Ross and Rachel: Ok, good night!

[Scene: The restaurant. Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table]

(Phoebe and David walk in)

Monica: I can’t believe she’s gonna say yes to David. She’s clearly in love with Mike.

Chandler: You know, it’s very hard to take you seriously when you look like that.

(David and Phoebe sit down at a table close to Chandler and Monica’s)

David: Uh, Phoebe, uh, I have… something I wanna say.

Monica: Oh my God, he’s gonna do it now. Please, I cannot watch this, let’s go.

Chandler: I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? (doing David) “Uh, Phoebe, uh, I would be honoured, uh…” Spit it out, David!

David: Uh, Phoebe, uh… (Chandler hits his own head) you’re an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was, was unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn’t help!

Phoebe: Sure, ok, yeah.

David: But well, now that we’re together again, I don’t ever want to be apart. So, to that end…

(David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike walks in, behind David)

Phoebe: Oh my God, Mike!

David: It’s David, actually!

Phoebe: No, Mike’s here.

David: (turns around) Hi Mike!

Mike: Hi David. Chandler. Monica… (Looks at Monica, checking her big hair, aghast) Oh!

Monica: IT’S THE HUMIDITY!

Mike: Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: What are you, what are you doing here?

Mike: I have a question I need to ask you.

David: I have a question I was kinda gonna ask her myself.

Mike: Yeah, I understand, but before you do, she really needs to hear this.

David: (annoyed) Ok, would you care for my seat as well?

Mike: Actually yeah, that’ll be great.

David: That’s fair, you’ve had a long trip. (he leaves his seat to Mike, and stands there looking for a chair. He finally goes to Monica and Chandler’s table)

Mike: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you.

David: Kinda stepped on the toes of what I was going to say.

Mike: Sorry David, but she really has to know this.

David: Alright, but after this I want to see you outside. If the rain stops.

Monica: You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. How can I lose you? (Phoebe looks very flattered) Now, I don’t actually have a ring…

David: I have a ring.

Chandler: I wouldn’t brag too much about that thing, big guy.

David: Phoebe, will you marry me?

Phoebe: (smiles at him happily for a few seconds before answering) No!

David: Uhm… Ha ha!

Phoebe: I love you. But I never needed a proposal from you. I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you know, that we had a future.

Mike: We can have any future you want.

(they hold their hands, gazing at each other)

David: Ok, I’m gonna take off.

Phoebe: David, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.

David: Just so I know, if I had asked first…

Phoebe: Yeah, I might have said yes, but that would have been wrong.

David: Please, you don’t have to explain. I mean, perhaps if I hadn’t gone to Minsk things would have worked out for us. And I wouldn’t have ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It was a good trip! (he leaves)

Mike: Is it ok if I hug you now?

Phoebe: Yes! (they hug)

Monica: (to everybody) BECAUSE OF OUR MEDDLING! Alright?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s room. Monica and Chandler are in bed.]

Chandler: Oh, ain’t this nice? It’s so quiet, I could just lie here all day.

Monica: I know (she snuggles to him)

(Rachel runs in)

Rachel: (walking in hurriedly) Open your drapes! Open your drapes!

Chandler: I’m so glad we’ve got adjoining rooms!

(Rachel opens the drapes)

Monica: The sun is out!

Chandler: Hey! Remember when I had corneas?

Monica: Ok listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs, and I’ll get the magazines and the lotion.

Chandler: Ladies? Ross’s speech is in 45 minutes.

Rachel: Nooo!

Monica: Damn it!

Ross: (from across the wall) Walls are pretty thin, guys!

[Scene: Conference room. Ross is making his keynote speech]

Ross: Then we have to await the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating.

Rachel: Look at that woman sitting by the pool getting tan… so leathery and wrinkled, I’m so jealous!

Ross: Finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus…

Chandler: (to a paleontologist sitting next to him) Not to mention the cold sores.

(the paleontologist glares at Chandler)

Ross: And that’s just the herbivores. I’m not even gonna discuss the carnivores, their heads are already too big. Which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development.

(all the paleontologists laugh)

Chandler: (to the one sitting next to him) Really?

Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster [1] is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus…

(Joey laughs)

Charlie: What?

Joey: He said “erectus”!

Charlie: You’re… you’re kidding, right?

Joey: No, he really said it.

Ross: … and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus…

(Rachel laughs)

Joey: Erectus?

Rachel: Homo.

[Scene: the hotel conference room]

Ross: (concluding his speech)… in a very real way we can bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. (pauses) Thank you!

(Everybody stands up and applauds. Ross looks flattered and surprised. His friends and other members of the audience go to congratulate him)

Ross: Oh, thanks guys!

Man with a bow tie: (shaking hands with Ross) I thought… it was wonderful!

Ross: Oh!

Man with a bow tie: Jarvis Oberblau, Cornell. (sighs) I mean, the ideas you put forth and, and from someone… so… young… and… (sighs again and smiles at Ross blissfully).

Ross: (with a frozen smile on his face, realizing something’s wrong with Jarvis) Ok… now… now we’re just holding hands! (pulls his hand away)

Rachel: All right! Well, uh… (to Monica) we’re gonna hit the beach?

Monica: Yeah!

Rachel: (to Ross, in a flattering tone) It was really… great!

Ross: Oh, thank you so much!

Joey: Yeah, and so funny!

Rachel: Oh!

(Rachel, Joey and Chandler pat him on his shoulders and walk off, together with Monica)

Ross: (puzzled) Ok!… All right, thanks! Thank you so much, you guys! (to Phoebe) Oh, I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you were here!

Mike: (popping by, smiling) You’re kidding, we wouldn’t have missed it!

(Ross is dumbfounded to see Mike instead of David)

Mike: Oh… I’m back!

Ross: (skating over, embarrassed) Ok!… Uh… excuse me? Yeah?

Phoebe & Mike: Yeah! (they leave)

(Ross goes towards Charlie, who’s conversing with a fellow paleontologist, and touches her shoulder to get her attention)

Ross: Hey! (she turns to him) Well…? (in expectation)

Charlie: You were incredible!

Ross: Yeah?

Charlie: You blew them away!

Ross: Oh, I can’t tell you how great it was to look at the crowd and see your face! I mean… uh, did you know you were (giggles) mouthing the words along with me?

Charlie: (smiling broadly) I was not!

Ross: No, it’s ok! Made me feel like a rock star!

Charlie: Oh my God! (pauses) I’m your groupie!

Ross: (joking) I’d better not found you naked in my hotel room!

(Ross giggles, but Charlie isn’t amused at all.)

Ross: (realizing his joke wasn’t so good, but still giggling) Look, I took it too far!

[Scene: the hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.]

Monica: (her hair bigger then before) I can’t believe it’s raining again! Oh, it’s so unfair!!!

(They approach the buffet, where a couple of paleontologists are sipping their drinks)

Phoebe: Well, on the bright side, now you won’t have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. (Grabs a drink and notices that the two men are upset) Not you guys. You got it going on!

(Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away, sipping their drinks)

Monica: So, what are we gonna do today?

Mike: They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff.

Monica: (pleasantly surprised) Ping pong? (to Chandler) Honey, they have ping pong! Let’s play!

Chandler: I don’t think so!

Monica: (disappointed) Why not?

Chandler: Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it’s cute, others disagree, and I’m lying!

Monica: I’m not always that bad!

Chandler: Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time?

Monica: (hesitatingly) I punched you…?

Chandler: And…?

Monica: … Phoebe…?

Phoebe: … and…?

Monica: I clunked your heads together!

(Chandler turns to Mike and gives him a “See what I mean?” look)

[Scene: Joey and Charlie’s room]

(Joey is sitting in an armchair and wearing a diving mask. He pulls out a grape from a bunch of fake grapes on the coffee table, puts it on the snorkel’s breathing tube and blows it out, then giggles to himself)

Charlie: (walking in) Hey! There you are!

Joey: Hey! (stands up) As soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! Some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya! (smiles ecstatic)

Charlie: I’m sorry, I can’t! I’m running a discussion group all afternoon.

Joey: (disappointed) Oh… oh, but that’s ok, I’ll find someone else to do it… I’ll do it alone, but… I don’t know what happens if the sea turtle catches you…

Charlie: You know… I feel so bad! I haven’t seen you this whole trip and (pauses) especially last night…

Joey: (interrupting her) Hey! Don’t worry about it! It was fine! I ended up having the best time with Rachel! I just felt bad for you, stuck in that room, working on Ross’s speech… (pulls a face)

Charlie: Actually, it turned out to be a lot of fun!

Joey: (bewildered) Oh! Oh, well! At least we’re both having fun!

Charlie: Yeah…

(There’s an awkward moment of silence)

Charlie: … is it weird that it’s not with each other?

Joey: Yeah! A little bit, yeah…

Charlie: (sitting down on the bed) I think we need to talk…!

(pause)

Joey: Yeah… I think we do… (sighs, with folded arms)… about what?

[Scene: the hotel game room. There is a ping pong table in the middle of the room. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in]

Monica: C’mon guys, it’ll be fun!

Phoebe: All right, all right… I’ll play if we don’t keep score!

Monica: But then how do we know who wins?

Phoebe: Nobody wins!

Monica: So, we’re just four losers… SUPER!

Chandler: I’m not playing with you.

Phoebe: Yeah, I’m out.

Mike: I’ll play ya!

Monica: (smiling) OK!

Phoebe: Mike, you don’t know, you don’t know what you’re doing!

Chandler: She gets crazy! This scar (points to his forehead) is from Pictionary!

(Monica rolls her eyes)

Mike: (disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve?

Monica: Sure! Got to!

(Monica and Mike start to play ping pong. Mike scores)

Monica: Aww!

Mike: Oh, by the way… I’m awesome!!

Chandler: (nearly whispering) Oh dear God, there’s two of them!

Mike: You’re ready to play?

Monica: Hell, yeah!

Chandler: (to Phoebe) Did you know this about him?

Phoebe: No idea! I though he was soft like you!

Mike: Wanna make it more interesting?

Monica: How much were you thinking?

Mike: Ten bucks a game?

Monica: Make it fifty!

Mike: I’ll make it a hundred!

Monica: (nearly shouting) One thousand…

Chandler: (interrupting her) OK!

Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter?

Monica: (going through her pockets) No… (to Chandler and Phoebe) Either of you girls got a quarter?

Chandler: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!

Phoebe: (picks up a coin from her bra) Monica, you call it.

Monica: Heads! No, Tails! He-he-heads!

Phoebe: Tails!

Monica: (angry) Ow, what are the chances!

(They start playing again)

Monica: Ha! My point!

Mike: Oh, no! I don’t think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.

Phoebe: (smiling proudly) He was a lawyer!

[Scene: Rachel’s hotel room. She is watching the Weather Channel on TV.]

Alexandra Steele: (meteorologist) (pointing to the East Coast)… all these coasts having beautiful weather. In New York, it’s 72 and sunny!

Rachel: Oh! Weather bitch! (turns the TV off)

(Someone knocks on the door)

Rachel: It’s open! (Joey walks in) Hi, Joe!

Joey: (downhearted) Hey…

Rachel: (worried) What, is everything ok?

Joey: Uh… Charlie and I broke up.

Rachel: Nooooo, why?

Joey: Oh well, she said we have nothing in common.

Rachel: (laughing) Oh, that’s crazy!

Joey: No, it’s not, we have nothing in common!

Rachel: … yeah, it’s true.

Joey: I mean, she should be with someone like… Ross! You know what I mean, he uses all those big words too! Man, smart people are dull!

Rachel: (pretending to be offended) What, hey!

Joey: (laughing sarcastically) Ok, Rach!

(He punches her on her shoulder mockingly, then goes and sits down on her bed)

Joey: I feel so stupid, you know? Why… why do I keep going after the wrong girls?

Rachel: W-What are you, what are you talking about?

Joey: Oh, c’mon, I mean, there’s you, then there’s Charlie, and it’s like… (sighs) What the hell is my problem? OH! (He falls back on the bed)

Rachel: Ok… uh… maybe you’re not always going after the wrong girl…

Joey: (sitting up again) I’m telling you, Rach, Charlie is not right for me!

Rachel: Yeah, I’m not talking about her…

Joey: But then who? The waitress I went out with last month? (gives her a meaningful look)

Rachel: You know? Forget it!

Joey: (stands up) No-no-no-no, no! Who, who were you talking about?

Rachel: No, I-I-I-I don’t, I actually don’t know who I’m talking about! So!

Joey: Ok! All right, well… I’m gonna see if I can get a room for the night and I’ll… I’ll see you later!

Rachel: Yeah, sure!

(Joey walks out, while Rachel is pensive. Once he’s out of her room, he suddenly realizes who she was talking about and goes back in. He looks at her in disbelief and she looks like she was caught red-handed)

[Scene: Rachel’s hotel room. Joey is standing at the door, facing Rachel]

Joey: You like me? (shuts the door)

Rachel: (nearly whispering) Ok, let’s not make a big thing about this!

Joey: (shocked) That’s a huge thing!

Rachel: Not working with me, Joe! Here’s the thing: lately I have been having thoughts (pauses) musings, if you will!

Joey: What… for how long?

Rachel: Only like a month!

Joey: (outraged) A MONTH??

Rachel: What the… DIAL IT DOWN! (Joey goes to sit on the bed) Listen, ok, and maybe they’re crazy thoughts, but sometimes I do, I have, I’ve been thinking about… you know, us! (looks at Joey, who’s totally distraught) Ok, dial it up a little!

Joey: (stands up) I just have one question!

Rachel: Shoot!

Joey: (desperate) What the hell are you doin’???

Rachel: I don’t know, I’m not trying to do anything, it’s just, we have such a good time when we’re together, you know… I mean, aren’t you just a… little curious… (insinuating) what that would be like?…

Joey: Uh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious as… as… George!!

Rachel: (puzzled) Who…?

Joey: CURIOUS GEORGE (see link)! You know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat!

Rachel: Oh yes, of course, I remember him!

Joey: Yeah, he had a paper route.

Rachel: Yeah, he did! (smiling) Oh, see, this is what I’m talking about!

Joey: No, I know, yeah I know we’re great but Rach no… this… this can’t happen!

Rachel: But can it… just… happen a little bit?

Joey: (charmed, but then recoiling) NO, NO! It can’t happen at all!

Rachel: But why, why not?

Joey: Because… look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? (in a trembling voice) I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no! (sighs) I couldn’t do it to Ross!

Rachel: But that wasn’t gonna stop you before!

Joey: I know, I know! But I’ve thought about it a lot since, and it just wouldn’t be right… (painfully) I’m sorry…!

Rachel: (regretful) I’m sorry, too! (they look at each other sadly, then she recollects, and puts her hands over her eyes) OH GOD! I shouldn’t have said anything!

Joey: NO! No-no-no-no-no-no! Hey! Hey, we’ll be fine! Li… hey, like you said: no big deal!

Rachel: It’s not a big deal!

Joey: NO BIG DEAL!

Rachel: It’s so not a big deal!

Joey: Yeah! I’ll see ya later! Yeah!

Rachel: Ok!

(They shake hands, he walks out and shuts the door, then seems to change his mind, moves to open the door, than changes his mind again and leans over the door. Just then, Rachel opens the door)

Rachel: Ok, I…

(Joey falls backwards into the room)

Rachel: AAAHHHH!

(Joey hurriedly stands up, arms akimbo, gives her an embarrassed look and walks away)

[Scene: the hotel game room. Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]

Monica: Ooh! I’m sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table!

Mike: Do you?

Monica: Ah, yeah!

Mike: Do you?

Monica: Ah, yeaaah!

Mike: DO YOU?

Monica: AH YEAAAAH!

Chandler: (to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?

Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you… you’re not even… a little turned on by Monica, right now?

(Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is decidedly sniffing her armpits)

Chandler: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I’ve felt like the more attractive one.

Phoebe: C’mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!

(Mike scores)

Monica: Oh, damn it!

Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him!

Mike: (boasting) Game, point!

Monica: (threatening) Don’t get too cocky! Remember I won the last one! Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?

Mike: You know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that.

(they continue to play ping pong and then Mike scores, winning the game)

Monica: NO, NO, NOOO!

Mike: And that’s how it’s done! (Phoebe kisses him)

Chandler: Okay-dokay, you’ve each won a game and I’ve lost what’s felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.

Monica: Best out of three?

Mike: That’s what I’m thinking.

Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?

Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!

Mike: (doing Monica and mumbling): Serve the ball, chump.

Phoebe: (to Mike) Ok Mike, better come back Mike, better come back.

[Scene: hotel’s bar, Ross and Mr. Oberblau are talking]

Mr. Oberblau: I’m just saying, I have a cabin in the Adirondacks if you ever want to get away from the city, well, that’d be (pause) just nifty!

Ross: Ooh, well. Ah, I kinda have got a lot on my plate right now, not that I wouldn’t love a weekend in the country with a strange man. (Mr. Oberblau giggles)

Woman: Jarvis?

Mr. Oberblau: (seeing her) Oh, you’re back… (to Ross) this is my wife, Nancy.

Ross: Get Out!

(Charlie walks by)

Charlie: Ross, can I talk to you for a minute?

Ross: Yes, please! (they move and sit down on a sofa) So, what’s going on?

Charlie: Uh, well… Joey and I broke up.

Ross: Oh my God, wh-what happened?

Charlie: Joey is a great guy, but we’re just… so different! I mean, during your speech he kept laughing at homo erectus!

Ross: I knew that was him!

Charlie: Anyway I just, uh, I think it’s for the best.

Ross: (holding her hand) Hey, you ok?

Charlie: I guess. There was hum… (she breathes deeply) there was another reason that I thought it was time to end it with Joey. I started to realize that I was having feelings for someone (pause) else.

(some paleontologists interrupt them)

Paleontologist: (merrily) Ok Geller. Last day of the conference, you know what happens to the keynote speaker.

Ross: Oh, professor Clerk we’re kind of in the middle of a conversation, here.

Charlie: Yeah, can you guys just throw him in the pool later?

Professore Clerk: Or we could throw you both in now!

Ross: (standing) Ok, gentlemen! Please! Aren’t we a little old for this? I mean, we’re scientists, right? We’re academics. And most importantly I… you-you will have to catch us first. (he starts to run away with Charlie). GO, GO, GO! (the paleontologists starts chasing them)

[Scene: game room, Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]

(Chandler and Phoebe look bored to death. Monica scores and laughs)

Mike: Ok, so it’s a tie again, 41 to 41.

Chandler: (exhausted) Ok, look! Enough is enough!

Monica: No, I have just to have two more points to beat him!

Chandler: Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Ok, you’ve already proven you are just as good as he is, now we’ve missed our dinner reservations, so now let’s just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!

Monica: I can’t just walk away! I’ve put in four hours!

Chandler: But…

Monica: Look! You knew this about me when you married me! You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness!

Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning?

Monica: That’s just good sense!

(they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand)

Monica: (in pain) Aww! (she holds her hand, moaning like she’s biting back a scream)

Chandler: You ok?

Monica: No, no, no. Honey, I’m ok. Shake it off! (she shakes the wrist and it’s more painful) Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! (pause) Oh my God! I can’t play!

Mike: So you forfeit?

Phoebe: Mike wins?

Monica: I can’t believe it! (pause) I lost!

Chandler: No, you didn’t.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Because I’m gonna play for ya.

Phoebe: You can’t do that!

Mike: Oh, that’s ok. I don’t care which of them I beat.

Phoebe: Ok, we’re taking that paddle home, mister.

Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, you don’t have to do this.

Chandler: (In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it’s important to you then it’s important to me, because I love you.

Monica: But… you suck!

Chandler: (Still in a loving voice) You’re welcome, sweetheart.

(Chandler prepares to play)

Chandler: All right Mike, let’s get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.

Mike: Ok!

(They start playing and Chandler does not suck at all)

Monica: Oh my God! You’re good!

Phoebe: It’s like watching porn!

(Chandler scores and wins the match)

Chandler: And that’s… how… it’s done!

Monica: (to Chandler) Oh my God. That was so amazing! When did you (pause) Hold on! I almost forgot (she turns to Mike) loser! (back to Chandler) When did you stop sucking?

Chandler: I never sucked, I actually didn’t want you to know how good I was!

Monica: Why?

Chandler: I don’t know.

Monica: This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments!

Chandler: That’s why!

[Scene: Hotel’s bar. Ross is running to Charlie trying not to be seen with two cocktails in his hands. She’s hidden behind a huge plant]

Charlie: Thanks!

Ross: Hi.

Charlie: Are they still looking for us?

Ross: Yeah. The bartender said that they split up into two search parties, the herbivores and the carnivores. (pause) You know, we as a group are not the coolest.

(Three paleontologists walk by and Ross hugs Charlie trying not to be seen)

Ross: I don’t think they saw us.

Charlie: I don’t think they did.

(They realize that they are hugging closely and he draws back)

Charlie: Hum, so, I started to say you something earlier, hum… (pause) There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I kind of realized I… was starting to have feelings… for someone else.

Ross: (apparently unruffled) Oh. Can I… can I ask who?

Charlie: I think you know.

Ross: I think I know too but I’ve been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so…

(Charlie kisses Ross, they stop for a moment and then he kisses her back)

Ross: I’m sorry… we… we can’t.

Charlie: All right, all right.

Ross: I mean, you just went out with my best friend, and I just think it’d be a really really bad idea. (pause) Or-or not! (they kiss passionately)

(Joey walks in and sees Ross and Charlie kissing. He gives a faint, rueful smile, then he seems to recollect something and suddenly he moves back to Rachel’s room. He knocks on her door and she opens)

Rachel: What?

(Joey says nothing, but enters the room and kisses her. They are kissing passionately only to stop for a brief “oh” from Rachel. They continue their passionate kiss and Joey closes the door with his foot and it shuts in the camera’s “face”. And that’s the end of the ninth season.)

End

[1] Homo ergaster: Some scientists classify some African erectus specimens as belonging to a separate species, Homo ergaster, which differs from the Asian H. erectus fossils in some details of the skull (e.g. the brow ridges differ in shape, and erectus would have a larger brain size).

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Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Directed by: Ben Weiss
Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
[Scene: Central Perk. Charlie, Joey and Rachel are on the couches]

Charlie: (while Joey’s giving her a massage) Oh! That feels sooo good!

Rachel: (speaking to herself and reading Cosmopolitan) Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show!

Charlie: I’m sorry, what?

Rachel: Oh… Oh, I’m sorry! I’m not… I was just-I was just reading to Emma.

Charlie: From… Cosmo??

Rachel: Yeah, yeah… It’s… “climax your way to better skin”.

Charlie: (to Joey) So, I have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, I’m soo bad at picking out clothes!

Joey: So you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good.

Rachel: (hiding herself behind the magazine and whispering) Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me!

Joey: Oh hey Rach!

Rachel: Yeah…

Joey: Maybe you could take Charlie shopping.

Rachel: Oh, well…

Charlie: I’m sure you have better things to do.

Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she’s the one who taught me, you don’t wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you’re trying on clothes.

Charlie: If you have the time, I’d really appreciate the help.

Rachel: Ok, uh-uh… Let’s-Let’s shop!!

Joey: (to Charlie) Ok, you’re gonna come back with some very classy clothes… (aside to Rachel)… and some slutty lingerie, SLUTTY!

Phoebe: (entering and talking on mobile phone) Ok, great! All right, bye! (she hangs up) Pain in the ass!! (she looks at the others, then back at the phone) That’s off, right?

Joey: What’s the matter, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh… Mike’s sister just invited me to a party tonight, he’s gonna be there. And she was like “Oh, don’t worry! I asked him. He’s totally ok with seeing you!”. So now I have to go so he’ll think that I’m totally ok with seeing him!

Rachel: Which you’re not, because you’ve totally hung up on him!

Phoebe: Exactly!

Rachel: And you’re gonna want him to eat his heart out so you’re gonna have to look fabulous!

Phoebe: (after a short pause) I didn’t even think about that! (pause) Aaargh, sexual politics!!

Rachel: Hey Pheebs, I’m-I’m taking Charlie shopping, why don’t you come and I’ll help you find something.

Phoebe: Ok, that’ll be great!

Joey: Oh, ain’t that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together.

Rachel: That’s not what we’re gonna do!

Joey: Why would you ruin it, who was that hurtin’?

Opening credits

[Scene: Doctor Connelly’s office]

Chandler: (looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!

Monica: Oh, I so can’t believe this! My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard to be a good hostess!

Chandler: Oh, I can’t believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!!

Doctor Connelly: (entering) Hi there.

Chandler: Hi.

Monica: Hi.

Doctor Connelly: I’m sorry there wasn’t better news from your test last week but I wanted to talk to you about your options.

Monica: Ok.

Doctor Connelly: Above all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren’t great, you never know! So, keep having sex on a regular basis.

Chandler: Oh, DAMN IT!

(Dr. Connelly glares at Chandler)

Monica: Don’t worry, after a while he’ll tune it out.

Doctor Connelly: Ok, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor.

Monica: (long pause) Ok.

Doctor Connelly: And, of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you can always adopt.

Chandler: Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don’t think we’d want you to be our child! (Dr. Connelly glares at him) Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Charlie on the couch. Rachel enters]

Rachel: Hi! Ok, you’re ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping?

Charlie: Oh, yeah! Let’s do it!

Joey: (to Charlie) Alright, have a good time. (they kiss)

Rachel: Not gonna find any clothes in there!

Ross: (entering) Hey, you guys!

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Guess who’s up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference?

Charlie: Umh… Kurts Baley?

Ross: Yeah, right! What was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract (he and Charlie laugh, then Joey starts laughing too without any reason) Well, why are you laughing?

Joey: Just… seeing what it’d be like to be a paleontologist… it’s fun, yeah!

Charlie: So you’re up for keynote speaker! Who’s making the decisions?

Ross: Professor Sherman, yeah. I’ve a meeting with him today.

Charlie: He’s a pretty tough guy to impress.

Ross: Yeah, well… I think I know how to dazzle him.

Rachel: Oh… you’re not gonna do a magic trick, are ya?

Ross: Tsz… NO! (he goes to sit down, dropping a multicoloured silk streamer off his sleeve).

Chandler: (entering) Hey guys!

Ross: Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask you something. I-I I may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if I do, I’d love for you guys to come and hear me.

Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick.

Ross: It’s in Barbados.

Chandler: But you come first!

Rachel: I’m there!

Charlie: We’ll see you, guys! (she goes)

Joey: Bye.

Rachel: Bye, see ya. (she goes)

Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) Ok.

Joey: All right, so. How did it go at the fertility clinic?

Chandler: Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you’re giving a sperm sample.

Ross: So-so what did the doctor say?

Chandler: Well… there’s surrogacy, but Monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be… too hard for her.

Joey: So you’re ruling out surrogacy?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: So, I don’t have to learn what that means?

Chandler: Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so… we’re talking about sperm donors.

Joey: Enough said, I’m there for you man. Where is she, upstairs?

Chandler: (stopping Joey) ah-ha!

Ross: How do you feel about all this?

Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don’t think there is one.

Joey: Come on Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it!

Ross: (puzzled) What?

(Joey moves close to Ross and whispers something in his ear)

Ross: (looking astonished) What? NO! I am not going to give them Ben!

[Scene: Professor Sherman’s office, Ross is relating to Professor Sherman]

Ross: The data we are receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are – are staggering.

Professor Sherman: Mmm-mm.

Ross: (reading from a notepad) I mean, we’ve been accepting Leakey’s dates as a given, but if they’re off by even a hundred thousand years or so then you can – you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know, right in the trash. (he throws the notepad in the waste bin) So-so what I am saying is – is is that (he picks the notepad back from the waste bin) is that the repercussions could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly the mind boggles!

(Turns to look at Professor Sherman, only to discover that he is sleeping)

Ross: Oh, that’s not what you want…

[Scene: Shop, Rachel, Charlie and Phoebe walk in]

Shop assistant: (to a girl) Incentive For Men?

Phoebe: Oh, I’ll take some of that.

Rachel: Pheebs, that’s for men!

Phoebe: No, I know, this way when I go to the party later Mike will know I am over him cause I’m gonna smell like another guy. (to the shop assistant) Yeah.

(The shop assistant sprays the perfume on Phoebe’s neck)

Phoebe: Ok. Oh good, I’m dating a Russian cab driver. (to the shop assistant). Seriously does anyone buy this? I smell like beets!

Charlie: (to Rachel) So, you know what, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them. Where do you think those would be?

Rachel: On Melanie Griffith in “Working girl”. I think what you want is over here.

Charlie: See, I told you I needed someone! Oh, you know, by the way, as a “thank you”, I would really love to take you out.

Rachel: Really?

Charlie: Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, wanna come?

Rachel: Oh, I can’t. Because I-I’ve seen them.

Charlie: You’ve seen all the movies…

Rachel: Yeah! I’m a big fan! Of the movies, you know. Motion pictures. The Talkies!

Phoebe: (picks up a dress) Hey Rach, will you come with me to a dressing room?

Rachel: Sure!

Phoebe: Ok!

Charlie: Wha, you know, maybe we can do something else!

Rachel: You know that depends on what it is! I’ve done a lot of stuff.

(Phoebe and Rachel go off to the dressing rooms. They enter one and close the curtain.)

Phoebe: So what were you doing out there, do you not like Charlie?

Rachel: She’s ok, I just don’t get a really good vibe from her!

Phoebe: Why?

Rachel: I don’t know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet… I mean, nobody else has a chance!

Phoebe: Who else?

Rachel: Anybody! You, me, you know, Monica’s mom…

Phoebe: You like Joey?

Rachel: Shhhhh! Phoebe! All right, look. I have a little thing for him.

Phoebe: (whispering) Oh my God!

Rachel: It’s just physical and I have it totally under control! Ok? It’s just, when I see them together, sometimes I just get a little jealous!

Phoebe: Uh, wow! Isn’t it ironic that he liked you and now you like him?

Rachel: (annoyed) Oh, I get it!

Phoebe: Oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you can’t do anything about it, he’s already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn’t be right.

Rachel: I know, I know, so it is just not a big deal.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: So can we keep this between us?

Phoebe: Sure!

Rachel: Ok, great, because I gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me!

Phoebe: Oh.

(Rachel opens the curtains and sees Charlie coming out from the dressing room just next to theirs)

Phoebe: Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin?

[Scene: Monica’s apartment, Chandler walks in with a friend of his while Monica is putting fruit in a bowl.]

Monica: Hi honey!

Chandler: Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work!

Monica: Oh, of course, it’s so nice to see you again, Zack!

Zack: (shaking Monica’s hand) You too.

Chandler: You guys haven’t actually met before, but, boy! You’re both polite! (pause) Go to have a seat Zack, and I’ll get you a beer.

Monica: I got it.

Zack: Thanks.

Chandler: (to Mon) So, Zack’s pretty nice, uh?

Monica: Yeah, I guess.

Chandler: So, how would you like to have a baby that’s half yours and half his!

Monica: (turns around and she’s quite shocked) Excuse me?

Chandler: Well, we’re talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he’s intelligent, he’s healthy, he’s athletic, I mean, he is “spermtastic”!

Monica: Chandler, this is crazy! What did you even say to him! “Come up, meet my wife! Give us your sperm”!

Chandler: No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: I’m telling you, he’s great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I’d think he’d be the way to go!

Monica: I’m not going to be a part of this! You can’t just bring some random guy at home and expect him to be our sperm donor!

Chandler: Ok!

Monica: Uh!

Chandler: (bringing the beer to Zack) Zack!

Zack: Thanks! Do you have a coaster? I don’t wanna make a ring.

(Monica hears that and is suddenly very interested in Zack)

Monica: Tell me about yourself, Zack!

[Scene: Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are talking in front of the dressing room]

Rachel: Oh, God, do you think she heard? It would be so bad if she heard!

Phoebe: Well, maybe she didn’t hear! Ok I’m gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here and I’ll talk and see if you can hear me.

Rachel: Ok, great!

(Phoebe moves in the dressing room from which Charlie went out)

Rachel: Oh, thank God I can’t hear a word that you’re saying!

Phoebe: (sticks her head out) I didn’t say anything yet!

Rachel: (sticks her head out too) Well, get back in there and talk!

Phoebe: (goes back in) I’m Rachel. It’s so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends.

Rachel: (comes out again) What!?

Phoebe: (comes out too) Well, some things are just hard to say to your face.

Rachel: Ok well, I heard that! Which means that she heard it too!

Phoebe: Ooh! We have a problem.

Rachel: Oh! What are we gonna do?

(A strange woman sticks her head out from a third changing cubicle to the far right)

Stranger: Just be honest with her.

Rachel: Oh my God!

Stranger: And it is annoying when parents put their baby on the phone…

Rachel: (yelling at the stranger) Alright! Enough out of you!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Joey is sitting on his bed and the phone rings]

Joey: Hello?

Ross: Joey! Hey, I need to talk to Charlie. Is she there?

Joey: No. no… eh… she went shopping with Rachel. Why? What’s up?

Ross: I’m meeting with professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker…

Joey: Oh! How’s it going?

Ross: It could be better! He, uhm… he fell asleep!

Joey: What!? But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda!

Ross: Barbados.

Joey: Fine, I’ll rent a car and drive…! Ross, you have to get that job!

Ross: What am I supposed to do? He’s out cold! In fact he was just talking in his sleep before and evidently he wants someone named Fran to spank him harder.

Joey: Well, just wake him up!

Ross: I can’t! If he realizes that I’m the one that put him to sleep, I won’t get the job!

Joey: Uh! That’s a tough one. Oh! Wait a minute, this happened to me before! Yeah, I was auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep and… (pause) no wait a minute… it was me who fell asleep… Yeah I mean hey, Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while!?

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s apartement. Chandler and the guest are in the living room, Monica in the kitchen]

Monica: Hey guys! Dinner’s ready!

Zack: Oh! I’m gonna go wash up first. (Chandler points him the bathroom) Thanks!

Chandler: So what do you think? I want that guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those cheeckbones!

Monica: Ok, there’s enthusiastic and there’s just plain gay!!

Chandler: You don’t like him.

Monica: I think he is fine! It’s just that we don’t know anything real about him… we should get more information.

Chandler: Alright! Just follow my lead!

(Zack comes out of the bathroom. They all sit down at the table.)

Zack: You guys have such a great place here.

Chandler: Oh! Thanks, I’m crazy about our place. Hey! speaking of crazy… do you have a history of mental illness in the family?

Zack: Uhm… no. Although I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis.

Chandler: (very seriously) That’s really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack.

Zack: (looking very puzzled) Okaaay… so eh… so tell me, how did you guys meet.

Monica: Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story. I’ve got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes?

Zack: (after a pause, very confused) No…

Monica: Eh… Heart Disease, Alzheimers, gout?

Zack: You guys don’t have people for dinner a lot, huh?

Monica: We’re just making conversation. (Chandler makes an agreeing-sound)

Zack: Ok. I heard a joke today. It’s pretty funny…

Chandler: You know what’s not funny? Male Pattern Baldness (Monica stretches her neck to look behind Zack’s head and then gives Chandler an “ok” sign)

Zack: Ok listen, you guys have shown a lot of interest in me tonight and I’m flattered and… and quite frankly a little frightened. Can we just talk about something else?

Monica & Chandler: Sure! Alright…

Zack: Ravioli’s delicious!

Chandler: I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child?

Zack: No I didn’t.

Monica: Yess!! (M & C high-five and Zack looks confused again)

Chandler: (Proceeding with his dinner) We’re teeth people Zack!

[Scene: In the store. Rachel and Phoebe returning from the changing rooms]

Rachel: Alright! Let’s just do it. Let’s just go over there and see if she heard.

Phoebe: Good plan.

Rachel: Ok. (Phoebe starts to walk in the opposite direction though. Rachel sees and follows her) Wha…? where? Where are you going?

Phoebe: Oh! I’m sorry Rachel, I don’t have time for your childish games, ok? I still have to go find something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike at “who’s more over who”! (at which she walks away)

Rachel: (to Charlie) Hey, hi! Hey, where’ve you been?

Charlie: Oh! trying on clothes.

Rachel: (pretends to be stunned) Oh! Wi… in the dres… in the dressing room!? Well, that’s so weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room. God it’s just such a small world!

Charlie: (smiling) Rachel… I heard you guys whispering.

Rachel: Oh God. You did. You heard. Ok, listen, let me explain.

Charlie: No! There’s nothing to explain. I heard you. Phoebe likes Joey.

Rachel: (after a pause) Yeah.

Charlie: It’s just that… I don’t understand it… I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she comes here to buy a dress to impress another guy…?

Rachel: Yeah! That’s Phoebe. That’s Phoebe. You know, she just wants them all! It’s like she’s a nympho!

Charlie: Wow!

Rachel: Yeah…

Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person.

Rachel: (Looks ashamed) I try…

[Scene: Prof. Sherman’s office. Sherman is still asleep on his chair, blocking the door.]

(Ross takes his suitcase and tries to get out but ends up falling on Prof. Sherman’s laps, thereby waking him up)

Ross: (To the still half asleep Professor) Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! (hugs him whilst still on his lap)

Prof. Sherman: (confused) You’re welcome. (Ross hugs him again)

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the sofa, eating a cookie.]

(Phoebe walks in wearing a fancy, revealing dress, and stands before Joey)

Joey: (impressed) Wow! You look… (drops the cookie)… stop-eating hot! Which is like the highest level of hotness!

Phoebe: Are you sure? Because I’m really dreading going to this party.

Joey: Then don’t go!

Phoebe: Mike knows I’m coming, and if I don’t show up he’ll think it’s because of him! And I don’t want to lose face! That’s a very serious thing in my culture.

Joey: Alright, then you go to that party and you pretend to be over Mike. And afterward you come to my place and I’ll get you good and drunk!

Phoebe: You got it! Ok. But not on the wine that you made, ok, because I just don’t want to go back to the Emergency Room.

(Joey gives Phoebe a thumbs up. Phoebe walks out)

[Scene: Outside Central Perk.]

Phoebe: David?

(David the scientist guy is standing at the news-stand)

David: Phoebe! Hi!

Phoebe: Oh my God! (they hug)

David: Wow, you look unbelievable.

Phoebe: Yeah. What-what are you doing here?

David: Well, I’m back from Minsk… permanently.

Phoebe: What happened?

David: Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles?

Phoebe: Yeah?

David: Well, after eight years of research I discovered that it can’t be done.

Phoebe: Well, it’s great that you’re back! How are you?

David: Good, good, life is good…

Phoebe: Good!

David: Ah well, I-I’m seeing someone.

Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh, good for you.

David: She’s also a scientist, so she’s very smart and pretty and… well, it’s actually because of you, really, that we’re together, I mean, I saw what you had with that Mike guy, and I just said “Boy, I want that”.

Phoebe: Mike and I broke up.

David: You’re kidding me. Because I’m not seeing anybody, I’ve just totally made that up.

Phoebe: Really?

David: Yeah, I don’t know why, I’m sorry, I guess I just didn’t want to lose face.

Phoebe: I understand. Yeah. Ok so then ok, so we’re both living in New York, not seeing anyone. That’s so not like us!

David: Yeah, I know. Well… this is probably a stupid question, seeing that you look like that, but do you have some place that you need to be right now?

Phoebe: Well… (pause) no.

David: Do you wanna get a drink?

Phoebe: I’d love to.

David: Great.

Phoebe: Ok. (they walk away together)

David: Do you smell beets?

Phoebe: Oh, got it, stay upwind of me.

(Charlie and Rachel arrive. They see David and Phoebe leave)

Charlie: Hey, there’s Phoebe! Is that Mike she’s with?

Rachel: No, that’s David.

Charlie: There’s a third guy?

Rachel: (disapprovingly) Tip of the iceberg.

[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s]

Zack: I’m gonna take off now. You’re gonna let me go home, aren’t you?

Chandler: You sure you don’t wanna stick around a little longer?

Zack: No, no, I should get home, I’m kinda tired.

Chandler: Are you just tired now or are you always tired, ’cause that could be a sign of clinical depression.

Zack: No it’s just tiring having to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Chandler: Ok.

(Zack leaves)

Chandler: I think we’ve found our sperm!

Monica: Does seem pretty perfect.

Chandler: Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him?

Monica: (pause) No.

Chandler: Why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway!

Monica: No, that’s not it. It’s just that when we were asking him all those questions before, I just… I just realized I don’t care if he’s the most perfect guy in the world… he’s not you.

Chandler: Yeah, he’s better!

Monica: No, he’s not. And if I can’t get pregnant with you, then I don’t want to get pregnant by… him or anyone else.

Chandler: Really? Are you sure?

Monica: Yeah, I’m sure.

Chandler: (sighs with relief) Thank God, because I don’t wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I’m the husband, I’m supposed to… bring the sperm.

Monica: That is so sweet. I love you. (they kiss)

Chandler: So you know this leaves us with…

Monica: Adoption.

Chandler: How do you feel about that?

Monica: I think I feel ok about it. Actually I think I feel really good about it.

Chandler: Me too. I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way.

Monica: So this is it, we’re really gonna adopt?

Chandler: (smiling) Yeah.

Monica: (excitedly) Oh my God, we’re gonna be parents!

Chandler: We are gonna be great parents.

Monica: And it could be soon. I mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there (they go look through the window) our baby could be being conceived.

Chandler: Wait, if we’re lucky, and we’re really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking!

(they hug)

Closing credits

[Scene: Zack’s office]

Chandler: Hey, Zack!

Zack: (hardly enthusiastic) Hey Chandler.

Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.

Zack: No you didn’t.

Chandler: Really?

Zack: No you did.

Chandler: My wife and I have some boundary issues, you know, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We’re working on it.

(Zack’s pregnant secretary, Jeanette, walks in)

Jeanette: (to Zack) Here are the boards for Friday’s pitch (hands him something).

Zack: Oh, thank you.

(Jeanette walks out)

Chandler: You wouldn’t know if Jeanette’s planning on keeping her baby, would ya?

End

Read Full Post »

Teleplay: Robert Carlock
Story: Scott Silveri
Directed by: Gary Halvorson
Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
[Scene: Central Perk]

Monica: It’s so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? I thought you’d end up kissing Charlie.

Ross: Hey, I thought I’d end up kissing Charlie too ok? But SURPRISE!

Chandler: I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie’s a girl, right?

Ross: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss.

Rachel: I don’t know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls at the party, GOD!

Ross: Why do you care so much?

Monica: Yes Rachel, why do you care so much?

Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know… and I… want him to hook up with lots of women! (pause) I just… All I’m saying is… I don’t think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.

Ross: Oh, I don’t know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other’s tonsils…

Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey’s raw sexual magnetism… Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid!

Rachel: All right, so… Ross, you’re ok with all this? I mean…

Ross: Yeah, it’s no big deal. I mean, I just met her and I’m fine with it…

(Joey and Charlie enter. Ross looks at her)

Ross: Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was!

Joey: Hey!

All: Hi!

Ross: I’m gonna get some more coffee.

Charlie: Oh, you know what? I’ll come with you!

Ross: Ok. (they both go)

Chandler: (to Joey) So, a professor, uh?

Joey: Yeah! She is cool, and she’s so smart! Her mind is totally acrimonious (which, being Joey, he mispronounces “amonious”). (pause) That’s not how she used it…?

Charlie: (talking to Ross) I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don’t ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties. I’m… well, I’m kind of embarrassed. I really hope you don’t think less of me.

Ross: Uhm no! Think less of you! No, I don’t think less of you. I mean, you saw someone you liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people who like someone and don’t kiss them… those-those people are stupid, I hate those people.

Charlie: You know, actually I’m a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they’re all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral…

Ross: Yeah, I know the type.

Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we’d better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close?

Opening credits

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look what I just got. (she shows them a pair of slippers)

Rachel: Oh, OH! Wow, I love those! Where did you get them?

Phoebe: I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.

Rachel: (after a pause) Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive!

Phoebe: Oh… then I overpaid. (she goes to the bathroom)

Monica: Hey, what’s this?

Rachel: Oh, it’s a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO.

Monica: Oh, you can’t show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains.

Rachel: Ah, why, now I can’t get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can’t eat veal, I can’t wear fur, I can’t go hunting…

Monica: Do you wanna go hunting?

Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option!!

Phoebe: (coming back from the bathroom) What’s up? (she sees the gift certificate in Rachel’s hands) Hey, Rachel!!

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: No, you can’t go there! You know how I feel about these “big massage places”! They’re putting people like me out of business!

Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!!

Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don’t wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks!

Phoebe: Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok? It’s about… it’s about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us… the hollow shells.

Rachel: I don’t care about any of that!!

Phoebe: Well, do you care about friendship?

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don’t use this gift certificate. I’m asking you as a friend.

Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I won’t use it!

Phoebe: Promise?

Rachel: I promise.

Phoebe: Thank you. (she tears up the gift certificate)

Rachel: But I am going hunting!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment]

Monica: (entering) Hey honey! I missed you today!

Chandler: Oh, yeah?

Monica: Yeah. (they kiss) What d’you wanna do tonight?

Chandler: Oh, well… Maybe we could… (he sweeps the stuff off the table and wordlessly invites Monica to have sex on it)

Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow we’re doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank.

Chandler: We really need to take those tests?

Monica: Honey, we’ve been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think it’s a good idea to find out if everything’s ok. Just a few routine tests.

Chandler: But I don’t wanna do it in a cup!

Monica: What is the big deal?

Chandler: It’s weird! In a doctor’s office?

Monica: It’s not ok to do it in a doctor’s office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell?

Chandler: (embarrassed) I cannot believe Ross told you that! (pause) And in my defense, it was a Wendy’s!

Monica: Look, I don’t wanna do this test either, but I really do think it’s a good idea!

Chandler: Yeah, ok. I’m sure that doctor’s office can’t be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey’s factory!

Monica: (really embarrassed) OH!

Chandler: Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment]

Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says that wine has to cost more than milk!

(somebody knocks the door, Joey opens and it’s Charlie)

Joey: Heeey!

Charlie: Hi!

Joey: Come on in, how are ya?

Charlie: I’m good!

Joey: Can I offer you a drink?

Charlie: Please, I’ve been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I’m writing the Foreword for a friend’s book…

Joey: Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go (looking scared) ohhhh!

Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. And I can’t wait to start exploring the city!

Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide… (point to himself)

Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun!

Joey: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Ok, what do you wanna see first?

Charlie: Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall.

Joey: (looking puzzled and nodding) Ok!

Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library.

Joey: I know, yeah!

Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET!

Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees.

Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular!

Joey: Which one, they all suck!

Charlie: The museum!

Joey: (looking puzzled) I don’t think so.

[Scene: SPA massage center, Rachel enters]

Rachel: (to the receptionist) Hi there!

Receptionist: (in an affected tone) Hello, welcome to Lavender Day Spa SPA. How may I help you?

Rachel: Oh, hi. I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green, and here is my gift certificate.

Receptionist: This has been torn up.

Rachel: And… taped back together.

Receptionist: Ok well, I’ll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready.

Rachel: Ok

Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass doors.

Rachel: (imitating the receptionist’s tone) through the glass doors.

Receptionist: Through the glass doors.

Rachel: Alright-y then.

(Phoebe enters the hall)

Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client’s in the waiting room.

Phoebe: Ok. Do we have to talk like that then they’re not around? (She sees Rachel) Oh, no, no! Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me?

Receptionist: Sorry, everyone is booked!

Phoebe: But that woman can’t know I work here. She’s a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are.

Receptionist: Then why you work here?

Phoebe: ‘Cause it’s good money! But that doesn’t change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine!

Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work!

Phoebe: (watching around and whispering) Ok, are they listening?

[Scene: Central Perk]

(Joey walks in and moves towards Ross, who’s sitting of the sofa)

Joey: Ross!

Ross: Hi!

Joey: I need to talk to you about Charlie.

Ross: (annoyed) Oh, do you, do you really?

Joey: Yeah, I’m… I’m kind of having a little problem.

Ross: Look, if you don’t know what the word “acrimonious” means, just don’t use it!

Joey: No, look, you know Charlie, right? She’s cool, she’s funny, her body is soo…

Ross: Get to the problem!

Joey: Yes. It’s just that she’s so much smarter than all the girls I’ve ever dated! Combined! I don’t want her to think I’m stupid!

Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts?

Joey: (checking) EH, what do you know!

Ross: You were saying you didn’t want to seem stupid.

Joey: Right, right, right, well, she wants to go to all this cultural places and I don’t know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out!

Ross: You know, I really don’t want to get involved in you guy’s relationship.

Joey: Please, c’mon, you’re the smartest person I know and I really like this girl, ok, I don’t wanna lose her.

Ross: (after a short hesitation) Fine.

Joey: Thanks.

Ross: Ok. Let’s see. Oh, you should take her to the MET!

Joey: The Metsss!

Ross: Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Joey: (realizing) Oh, that’s what she meant! (pause) You know, if they’re gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion!

Ross: Yeah, most of it it’s a place packed with confused angry baseball fans!

Joey: Ok, all right, so I’ll take her to the MET.

Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there’s this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue. You know what? She loves architecture, you know what you should do? You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick’s Cathedral and there there’s this great little pastry shop that she’d love.

Joey: Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date!

Ross: But I’m not! (pause). You know what if you’re in the mood for Thai food…

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you go way too fast. Ok? Just go back to the MET, ok?

Ross: Ok.

Joey: You got to tell me exactly what to do there.

Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that’s the antiquities wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I walk in the door and make the right (and he bends his arm to the left. Ross then bends Joey’s arm to the right and Joey nods)

[Scene: doctor’s waiting room]

Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet.

Monica: Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna watch that.

(a nurse walks in)

Nurse: Mr. Bing? (Chandler jumps up) Here you are! You’ll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.

Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it.

Monica: Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you’re going to be ok?

Chandler: Yeah, I guess!

Monica: I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even knows you!

Janice: OH MY GOD!!

Chandler: Oh, Come on!

Commercial Break

Janice: Ah ahahahhahaa! How great is this!

Monica: Hey, we’re probably fertile, let’s go home!

Chandler: Why are you here?

Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we…

Chandler: (to Heaven) No no no… I mean, why? why is she here??

Janice: Oh! Someone’s a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! (laughs) Oh! They gave you the kiddy size (looking at the cup in his hand).

Chandler: What!?

(Janice does her “Janice Laugh”)

Monica: This was fun! But I’ve got an invasive vaginal exam to get to! (leaves)

Chandler: I’d love to stay, but I have eh… (points at the cup) got a hot date… (starts to leave)

Janice: Please… go! (Then shouts after him) Just let me know if you need a hand!

Chandler: (disgusted) I think it just fell off. (Leaves)

[Scene: At the Spa, Phoebe is at the half-opened door]

Phoebe: (In a strange heavy accent) Hello “ja”, it’s time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole.

Rachel: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. (Puts her head in the hole and Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Okay, then I’m Swedish…

Monica: So, what’s your name?

Phoebe: It’s a normal Swedish name… Ikea…

Rachel: Oh… what an interesting name.

Phoebe: Ja!

Rachel: You know I… (lifts her head and tries to look in Phoebe’s direction)

Phoebe: (pushes her head back down) Time for your scalp massage!

Rachel: (Sees Phoebe’s slippers through the hole) Wow… I really love your… (startled as she realizes those are Phoebe’s slippers)

Phoebe: Is something wrong?

Rachel: No, it’s just that uhm… it feels so good… Ikea… (pause) Yeah, say hey, you’ll know this, what’s the capital of Sweden?

Phoebe: (Thinks for a few moments) Uhm… Stockholm.

Rachel: Damn! I wish I knew if that was right!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey and Ross in the living room, rehearsing what Joey will say to Charlie in the Museum]

Joey: (gesturing at an imaginary painting) Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself.

Ross: Now, do you have any idea what you just said?

Joey: (shaking his head as if to say: of course not!) No, no, my mouth says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks!

Ross: Ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is not spelt M-O-N-A-Y. I just… I wrote that out phonetically for you.

Joey: Phonetically? (Looks confused)

Ross: Yeah, yeah that means… you know? We just… we don’t have time for this.

Joey: Ok.

Ross: Ok, but you know what? I gotta say, I’m really impressed that you were able to memorize all this so quickly!

Joey: Ah! I’m an actor! I can memorize anything! Last week on “Days” I had to say “Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy”.

Ross: Wow. What does that mean?

Joey: No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I guess it means “you’re gonna get eaten by a bear”.

Ross: Ok! So let’s move on to the Renaissance?

Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Touch it, it’s really bumpy! (Reaches out to touch the imaginary painting).

Ross: Nah ah! Nah ah! (stops him form doing so) No no no! No ad-libbing and dude, you can’t touch the paintings.

Joey: Come on! you… (reaches out to touch the imaginary painting again)

Ross: No! (Slaps his hand)

[Scene: The Fertility Clinic; Chandler walks out one of the rooms]

Chandler: (To the nurse at the nurses’ station) My specimen is in the room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! (walks towards the common area and sees Janice is still there) Janice! You’re not… gone?

Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don’t allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you make your deposit?

Chandler: Yeah! yeah… The hard part is over!

Janice: That’s not the hard part honey! The hard part is what comes next, I mean aren’t you worried about the results?

Chandler: I haven’t… I haven’t even thought about the results yet… I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok.

Janice: Oh! Well, you know what? It probably is.

Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it’s not? What if there is a reason why we can’t have a baby?

Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it’s gonna be just fine.

Chandler: (smiling again) oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can’t believe I didn’t even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to… come here and do… ‘that’…

Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can’t do it at a doctor’s office?

Chandler: (stares at her intently, then yells) It was a “Wendy’s!! ”

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel at the Spa. Phoebe is still massaging Rachel]

Phoebe: (Singing) “Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi! ” And that is the Swedish National Anthem! Thank you for asking! (looks annoyed)

Rachel: Wow, Ikea… what a rich culture. Uhm, you know what? I have a friend who is a masseuse.

Phoebe: Oh, Ja! Ja!

Rachel: Yah! She’s… uhm… not very good though… (Phoebe looks devastated)

Phoebe: Uhu, uhu… and why do you think that is?

Rachel: I don’t know… maybe it’s because she has got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar…

Phoebe: Or… maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you’re such a high maintenance tight ass!

Rachel: (now lifts her head) Phoebe!!

Phoebe: You know it’s me?

Rachel: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!

Phoebe: How can you come here?

Rachel: How could you not tell me you worked here?

Phoebe: I don’t have to tell you everything!

Rachel: Yes you do, if you’re going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!

Phoebe: Tips not included.

Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?

Phoebe: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash! And then they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401K. But you know… you pay a price. Now I’m this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes!

Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don’t have any!

Phoebe: You know what? You are right. I am gonna quit. It’s time I took my life back!

Rachel: Good for you Pheebs!

Phoebe: Ok.

Phoebe: Okay (walks out and closes the door behind her, looks up and whispers) If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn’t mean any of that. I love you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is playing some shoot’em up game on his laptop]

Ross: Haha! Got ya! Die, die, die!

(Charlie walks in.)

Ross: (recovers his composure and starts typing) Respectfully, professor R. Geller. (hits <return>, closes the laptop and joins Charlie on the sofa) Hey!

Charlie: Hi!

Ross: Hey, how was the Met?

Charlie: The museum was amazing!

Ross: Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh?

Charlie: Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all the stuff to say, and some of it didn’t even make any sense.

Ross: What do you mean?

Charlie: Well, for one, he was talking about paintings that were nowhere around.

Ross: (perplexed for a moment) Wait a minute… when you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right?

Charlie: No, we went to the left.

Ross: (shaking head) Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together.

Charlie: Yeah, it’s fun (hesitating).

Ross: What?

Charlie: Actually, you know, Joey is your friend, and you don’t really know me that well; it would be weird.

Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on.

Charlie: Well… I’m just thinking that maybe he’s not the right guy to be with right now, maybe I should be with someone… I have more in common with. You know what I mean?

Ross: (slowly) Yeah. But you know what? I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he’s a great guy, and sure he doesn’t know that much about art but you know, you can always talk about that with someone else.

Charlie: Yeah, I guess that’s true.

Ross: And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you. You know, that’s the kind of guy Joey is.

Charlie: He is very sweet. Plus he’s hot!

Ross: That was going to be my next argument.

(Joey walks in)

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Charlie: Hey!

Joey: (to Charlie) You’re ready?

Charlie: Yeah, let’s go. (stands up and kisses Joey) (to Ross) Thanks Ross.

Joey: (aside, to Ross) Hey Ross! That art stuff worked, you hooked me up.

Ross: Glad I could help man.

Joey: Although some of that stuff wasn’t where you said it was gonna be, but… (confidently) I made it work.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Chandler is sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper.]

Chandler: (picking up a plastic cup similar to the one he deposited his specimen in) It is not okay that I’m aroused by this now.

(phone rings)

Chandler: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) No, she’s not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? (pause) Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up)

(Monica walks in)

Monica: Hey sweetie.

Chandler: Doctor Connelly just called.

Monica: With good news? (very quickly and wringing hands) Of course it is not good news, you just said (deadpan) “Doctor Connelly just called”. If it was good news you would have said (excitedly) “Doctor Connelly just called! ” But so what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you?

Chandler: Actually it’s both of us.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.

Monica: Oh… what does that mean?

Chandler: It means that my guys won’t get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. (pause) It means…

Monica: Chandler?

Chandler: (seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there’s a good chance this may never happen for us.

Monica: (weeping) Oh my God!

Chandler: I’m sorry.

Monica: I’m sorry too.

(they hug)

Chandler: Well, we’re gonna… we’re gonna figure this out.

Monica: (still weeping) I know.

Closing credits

[Scene: The Spa Reception. Phoebe walks in]

Receptionist: Good morning Phoebe.

Phoebe: (imitating the receptionist’s tone) Good morning receptionist.

Receptionist: Here’s your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room No. 1.

Phoebe: Rachel Green? (angrily) Son of a bitch, she came back?

(Phoebe walks to the door and half-opens it)

Phoebe: (through the door, with a Scottish accent) Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassy.

End

Read Full Post »

Teleplay: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Story: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Directed by: Sheldon Epps
Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa
[Scene: Monica’s apartment]

Joey: (enters the room) Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night?

Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Well, let me see… I-I believe I’m… yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.

Joey: Look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play.

Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play.

Phoebe: What is it?

Joey: It’s a one-woman play called “Why don’t you like me: a bitter woman’s journey through life”.

Monica: It sounds interesting!

Ross: Yeah, it does sound interesting, I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours, I don’t think it gets bett… (Ross starts snoring, faking to fall asleep)

Phoebe: I know, I know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what more do these broads want?

Joey: You guys are gonna have a great time, I promise!

Ross: What? How come that you don’t have to go!

Joey: I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can’t go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.

Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Uh, let’s see, who do I hate?

Rachel: (gets up from the sofa and moves to the kitchen but Joey blocks her way) Oh, sorry… Oops, sorry.

Joey: (lifts Rachel up and moves her behind him so she can walk on) Hey, here you go.

Rachel: Ooh… oooh… (pause) (Rachel is all bah-jiggity about Joey) oh, ah… (pause) (to Monica) Can I ask you a question?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: Do you think it’s possible for two friends to fool around and… and not have it be a big deal?

Monica: No, I don’t think it ever works. Why?

Rachel: No reason.

Monica: No, no, Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah

Monica: Who do you wanna fool around with?

Rachel: (with high pitched voice) Nobody, forget it!

(Monica points at Joey, Rachel turns and sees him)

Rachel: (giggling and whispering) Maybe.

Monica: (whispering) You can’t!

Rachel: (whispering) Why? (Monica gesticulates mumbling something that starts with “because”) Seriously I did not understand a word that you said.

Monica: In the hall.

[Scene: In the hall]

Monica: You wanna fool around with Joey?

Rachel: Yeah! You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and can’t get it out of my head! And what’s the big deal, people do it all the time!

Monica: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around?

Rachel: Ok, off the top of my head… Don and Janet.

Monica: Who, who are they?

Rachel: I know them from work.

Monica: Both of them?

Rachel: No, one of them…

Monica: Which one?

Rachel: I don’t know, what were the names I just said?

Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.

Rachel: All right, all right, you’re right, I won’t do anything with Joey, I just thought that we (Joey enters the hall) Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? (Joey enters his apartment)

Monica: What the hell are you cooking!

Opening credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross enters]

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Hey, you guys won’t believe what I have to do for work today.

Chandler: Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.

Ross: (covering with his hand Chandler’s face, like pretending he’s not there) (to Monica) There’re these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus.

Monica: What’s so bad about that?

Ross: It’s I just know they’re gonna be a couple of windbags wearing tweed jackets with suede elbow patches.

Monica: (fingering her elbow): Ross?

Ross: (looking his elbow, where there’s a patch) These aren’t suede.

(a woman walks in)

Charlie: (to Gunther) Excuse me, I’m looking for someone. You don’t, by any chance, know a Ross Geller?

Gunther: No.

Ross: Hi, hi, I’m Ross Geller.

Charlie: Oh, hi. I’m professor Wealer.

Ross: Oh, oh, that’s, that’s, that’s nice.

Charlie: It’s a… It’s good to meet you! Thank you so much for taking the time out to show me around.

Ross: Oh, no, it’s no big deal, I mean, if I weren’t doing this I’d just, you know, be at the gym working out.

Monica: (to Chandler) Is he gonna introduce us?

Chandler: (to Monica) No, I think we’re just blurry shapes to him now.

Charlie: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.

Ross: Oh, ha, I wrote that in one minute.

Monica: (to chandler) Twenty bucks says they’re married within the month.

Ross: (hitting Monica with his suitcase) (to Charlie) We should probably get going, you know, we got a lot of ground to cover.

Charlie: Oh, ah, isn’t there another professor that is supposed to come with us?

Ross: I don’t think so.

Charlie: I’m pretty sure, professor Spafford from Cornell?

Ross: Oh, well he’s obviously late and the rule in my class is “if you can’t come on time, then don’t come at all”. (pause) An option that many of my students use. (pause) Shall we?

Charlie: You don’t think we should wait for him?

Ross: You know what, he’s a big boy, I’m sure he’ll find us, ok?

Professor Spafford: Professor Geller?

Ross: Oh, damn it!

[Scene: Joey’s apartment]

(Rachel enters the room and checks the answering machine)

Jane: (from the answering machine) Hi Joey it’s Jane Rogers, can’t wait for your party tonight. Listen, I forgot your address, can you give me a call? Thanks, bye.

Joey: (entering the room) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: What’s happenin’?

Rachel: Yeah, it’s a real shame you can’t make it to that one-woman show tonight.

Joey: Oh, I’d love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first

Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah… (she plays the answering machine)

Message: “Hi Joey, it’s Jane Rogers can’t wait for your party tonight” (Joey’s upset and stops it)

Joey: (yelling) Stupid Jane Rogers!!

Rachel: (angry) You are having a party tonight??

Joey: Kinda have a… a thing for the Days Of Our Life’s people.

Rachel: And you weren’t going to tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?

Joey: I do it every year.

Rachel: You do that every year??

Joey: I didn’t have to tell you that!! I’m stupider than Jane Rogers!!

Rachel: Oh, that’s why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid of us??

Joey: Yeah…

Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?

Joey: Yeah…

Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?

Joey: (Smiling) I can’t believe you guys went for that one!

Rachel: Joey, why wouldn’t you invite us to your parties?

Joey: You’re fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people!

Rachel: Well, then so you just invite me…!

Joey: (speaking aloud) Please, I was trying to be nice, you’re the worst one!

Rachel: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please…

Joey: Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but don’t tell anybody else. It’s up on the roof at 8.

Rachel: (yelling and jumping like a child) OH, a soap opera roof party!! I’m going to a soap opera roof party!! Oh my God, oh my God!! (realizing how she’s behaving) And it’s out of my system!

[Scene: Ross, Charlie and Professor Spafford are sitting at the table in a restaurant]

Professor Spafford: (speaking very slowly) And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a sea food buffet you wouldn’t believe. There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and king crab. It’s a pity I’m allergic to shellfish.

Ross: (very bored, he tries to avoid the conversation speaking to Charlie) So, where did you get your undergraduate degree?

Professor Spafford: And that’s not all I’m allergic to.

Ross: (to Charlie) Oh, it’s not over!

Professor Spafford: I’m also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds, and filberts…

Ross: So basically all nuts?

Professor Spafford: Interestingly… no.

Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word “interesting”.

Professor Spafford: If you’ll excuse me I’m going to use the restroom. (he goes away)

Charlie: Oh my God!!

Ross: I’ve lost the will to live.

Charlie: Let’s ditch him!

Ross: What?

Charlie: Come on, he’s still in the bathroom! I’m begging you!

Ross: Oh… ok, fine. But… ehm… I just have one question for you, ehm… (aping Professor Spafford) When we exit should we walk, or run, or prance, or stroll…

Charlie: Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Ok, let’s go!! (they run outside)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment]

Ross: (entering with Charlie) Oh, hey you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.

Phoebe: Hi!

Ross: Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my department.

Phoebe: Oh, you’re a paleonthologist, too! (pause) Oh, ok, now, what do you think of Ranion’s new theory of species’ variegation in segmented arthopods?

Charlie: Well, I think he’s a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas…

Phoebe: Ah, ah.

Charlie: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll take this. Excuse me. (she cuts herself off for a moment)

Ross: (to Phoebe) Ranion’s theory of species variegation?

Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized the title to freak you out!

Monica: (to Ross) So, did you two have fun?

Ross: Oh my God, she’s great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and she’s just cool, and funny…

Monica: And I don’t know if you’ve noticed but she’s a (aloud) HOTTY!! (Charlie looks at her) HI!

Rachel: (she enters wearing a bath-robe) Hey… Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? I’m not feeling really well. I think I can’t get out for the play.

Ross: Really? Wh-what’s wrong?

Rachel: I don’t know! I think it’s kind of serious! Oh, you know… I was watching this thing on TV this morning about… Newcastle disease… and I think I might have it!!

Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and… other poultry.

Rachel: … Ok, who is this?

Ross: I’m sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, she’s a collegue.

Rachel: Oh, hi! I would check your hand but… I’m sure you don’t want to get my chicken disease!

Monica: Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a sec?

Rachel: Sure! (Monica takes her apart) Oh…

Monica: You’re not sick!

Rachel: What? Yes, I am!

Monica: Ok, then, why are you… (she opens her robe revealing a nice black dress) all dressed up??

Rachel: When you’re sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better! (she closes her robe)

Monica: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey!

Rachel: Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so not what this is!

Monica: Ok, what is this?

Rachel: Ok! (whispering) Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you!

Monica: (aloud) WHAT?

Ross: (looking at them) Wh-what’s going on?

Monica: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof!

Rachel: And he didn’t want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you!!

Charlie: I thought you came to say you were sick.

Rachel: Ok professor or detective?

Phoebe: Joey’s having a party and he wasn’t gonna invite us?

Rachel: Yeah, and he does it every year! That’s why he’s sending you to that play! That’s why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory!

Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour!

Ross: No, I arranged that…

(Joey enters, wearing a bathrobe)

Joey: (sounds tired) Hey you guys, I’m turning in. Have fun.

Phoebe: We know about your party Joey.

Joey: What party?

Monica: The game’s over! Take off your robe!

Joey: (looks perplexed and opens up his robe) Ok… I mean…

Everyone: No!! Cover it up!!

Joey: (to Charlie after covering himself up again) Nice to meet ya! (Charlie waves hesitantly and Joey leaves)

[Scene: The Roof]

Joey: (To some people) Hey! Hey alright! Hey, glad you could make it (Shakes a man’s hand) Thanks for coming.

Monica: Oh my God! Kyle Lowder!

Kyle Lowder: (to Monica) Hi. (walks on)

Monica: (Yells after him) I love you!

Joey: Hey, that’s why I didn’t invite you. you have to calm down, alright… go, go get yourself a drink or something…

Monica: Oh yeah that’s what you want – my inhibitions lowered.

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: (Excited) Oh my God, can you believe we are surrounded by all this? I can barely control myself.

Phoebe: Monica, you might want to remember that you are married. Where is Chandler anyway? (Looks around)

Monica: (Shocked) Oh my God! Chandler!

[Scene: The theater. Chandler is sitting in the otherwise empty front row, looking around nervously]

Chandler: Where the hell is everybody?

(The lights dim and Chandler tries to get away but as the bitter lady comes on stage and starts yelling he promptly changes his mind and sits down)

Bitter lady: (yelling) Why don’t you like me?! Chapter One: My first period.

[Scene: The Roof, Rachel is talking to a guy who hands her a tissue with something written on it]

Monica: (to Rachel) Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if she’s gettting one, then I want one too: To Monica. And none of this “best wishes” crap. I want “love”.

Rachel: Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just giving me his phone number.

Monica: Oh man! If I had known I was coming to this party I never would have gotten married!

Matthew Ashford: It was nice to meet you Rachel.

Rachel: Nice to meet you.

Matthew Ashford: Call me.

Rachel: Ok

(Matthew leaves)

Monica: (yelling after him) We will!!

Monica: (to Rachel) Look at you with all the guys!

Rachel: Yeah!

Monica: I guess you have forgotten all about Joey?

Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly you’ve forgotten about Chandler!

Monica: Please… Chandler is the love of my life… (At which point a man in leather pants walks by)… oooh leather pants! Have Mercy! (Follows the man in the leather)

(cut to Ross and Charlie)

Ross: (to Charlie) So, eh… it’s probably gonna be hard for you to leave Boston, huh?

Charlie: Actually, I’m kinda happy to be leaving… I just broke up with someeone.

Ross: Ooh… so sad… Still, it can’t be easy for you to leave Harvard? Especially after working alongside a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Wintermeyer?

Charlie: Actually, Alby is the guy I broke up with.

Ross: You… you dated Albert Wintermeyer?

Charlie: Yeah…

Ross: … And you called him Alby!? (laughs) I mean that’s like… like calling Albert Einstein… er… Alby…

Charlie: Yeah, well, he is a brilliant man.

Ross: Eh, you think? I mean, you went out with a guy who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 10!

Charlie: Yes! And while that is everything one looks for in a boyfriend, he had a lot of issues…

Ross: (very interested) Oh! like what?! (Charlie looks at him confused, but smiling) Oh I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry… it’s just that this must be what regular people experience when they watch “Access Hollywood”.

Charlie: Ok, you want the dirt? Alby was seriously insecure. I mean, he was really intimidated by the guy I dated before him.

Ross: Who is intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize?

Charlie: A guy who won two.

Ross: (a little suprised) Two? Wha…? Don’t tell me you dated Benjamin Hobart

Charlie: Yeah… for three years.

Ross: Oh my God! Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hasn’t won the Nobel Prize?

Charlie: (smiling and thinks for a moment)… no… bu but there was my first boyfriend Billy.

Ross: Oh yeah? no, no Nobel Prizes for him?

Charlie: No, but he did just win the McArthur genius grant.

Ross: Huh… huh… what a loser! Some more wine? (takes the half-full glasses and goes to the counter)

Phoebe: Hey Ross!

Rache: How is it going with Charlie?

Ross: (sarcastically) Oh Great! After I finish my wine I’m going to blow my… eh. average-sized brains out.

Phoebe: Oh, What’s the matter?

Ross: She… she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth.

Rachel: I always loved that!!

Ross: Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!! (Rachel nods) Man, I can’t compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! oh my God!

Phoebe: Worse?

Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians… (gestures with his hands and says in an impression voice?) “Can we walk”? (Phoebe starts laughing) Oh, you… you like that?

Phoebe: (still laughing) No. (points to Rachel who stuck two straws in her mouth to look like a mammoth’s tusks)

Ross: What? (turns around to look at Rachel)

Rachel: Come on! I think this is funny! (Ross leaves)

[Scene: Chandler in the theater]

Bitter lady: Well, I bet you are all thinkin’ “Now would be a really great time for an intermission”, huh?

Chandler: (To himself) oh yes, God yes!!

Bitter lady: (now yelling) Well, you’re not gonna get one! Because in life there are no intermissions, people. Chapter 7: Divorce is a 4 letter word. (Now standing right in front of Chandler and bending down almost to his level as if speaking to him, yelling even louder) How could he leave me?!?!

Chandler: I… I don’t know… you seem lovely.

[Scene: The roof, Joey is walking towards Ross with a guy]

Joey: Hey Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. (To Dirk) Dirk, this is my good friend Ross. (Ross and Dirk shake hands)

Ross: Nice to meet you.

Dirk: Hey! So what show are you on?

Ross: Oh, I’m no actor, I’m a professor of palaeontology.

(Dirk is confused)

Joey: It’s a science.

Dirk: Oh! Hey well listen, I play a scientist on “Days”. And my character has just won the Nobel prize.

(Ross looks annoyed hearing that even Dirk’s character won a Nobel prize)

Joey: Hey Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering about the woman that you brought and if you guys were together, or…

Ross: Oh, well no, but I mean, she only goes out with really, really smart guys.

Dirk: Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs.

Ross: I’d lead with that.

(Cut to Monica holding up her shirt, revealing her bra. An actor stands beside her, holding a pen in his hand.)

Monica: That’s it, just sign right on the bra (the actor does so).

Joey: Monica!

Monica: Don’t worry Joe, I won’t come next year!

(Joey, resigned, walks to Rachel’s table)

Joey: (To Rachel) What have you got there?

Ross: Just some boys gave me their phone numbers.

Joey: Ah, let me see! (she hands him a pile of tissues) Damn, that’s a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty?

Rachel: (drunken voice) I think I am.

Joey: (browsing the tissues) Let me see if I approve any of these clowns. This guy wears a rug (discards one). This guy’s Canadian (discards another). And this guy is in a cult, ok, and it costs you 5,000$ to get to level three and I don’t feel any different.

(Rachel is puzzled)

Joey: (discarding all the remaining tissues one by one) Pass, pass, oh, pass, double-pass, pass…

Rachel: (picking up the tissues) Why, why, what’s wrong with these guys?

Joey: Nothing major, it’s just that, you know, they’re not really good enough for you, and you deserve the best.

Rachel: Joey, you’re so sweet.

Joey: That’s true. But you know what, it doesn’t matter because I already know who you’re gonna go home with tonight.

Rachel: Who (looks around)?

(Joey motions for Rachel to lean in. She does so.)

Joey: Me.

Rachel: (surprised) What? (with a nervous smile) Really?

Joey: Yes, ’cause we live together, that’s a joke!

Rachel: Oh! Screw it, I didn’t get it! (they high-five)

Joey: Gotcha.

Rachel: Oh, Very funny… Joey.

(Joey leaves. Rachel gulps down what’s left of her drink and grimaces.)

(Chandler walks in)

Chandler: (to Monica) So, how did you enjoy the play?

Monica: Oh my god, honey, I’m so so so so so sorry.

Chandler: Well you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater.

Monica: You really liked it?

Chandler: Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldn’t I, because as a man I’ve been trained (bitter woman’s tone) not to listen! (pause) But after chapter 16: “fat, single and ready to mingle”, I was uplifted.

Monica: Oh really!

Chandler: Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period!

Monica: No!

Chandler: Did somebody sign your bra?

Monica: So I got it when I was 13…

[Scene: At the counter. Ross is sitting there, drinking. Phoebe approaches him.]

Phoebe: Hey Ross! So listen, about you and the dinosaur girl, are you really just gonna let a couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is that, come on, a piece of paper?

Ross: It’s actually a 1,000,000$ prize.

Phoebe: Go Charlie! But my point is, ok so she dated them but she also broke up with them. Maybe she’s looking to, you know, slum it with some average Joe Phd.

Ross: Yeah, maybe. I do have my whole career in front of me. I mean, I can still win a Nobel prize. Although the last two papers I’ve written were widely discredited.

Phoebe: You’re so much more than just brains! You’re sweet, and kind, and funny…

Ross: And sexy.

Phoebe: Ok well give her a chance to see all of that!

Ross: Yeah, you’re right, thanks Pheebs, I’m gonna go find her.

Phoebe: Good for you! And hey, I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian era was top notch!

Ross: Stop going through my stuff (walks away)!

(Rachel approaches Monica)

Rachel: (to Monica) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: I just wanted to let you know I’ve changed my mind: I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna kiss Joey.

Monica: No, you can’t! Friends hooking up is a bad idea.

Rachel: Please, what about you and Chandler?

Monica: That’s different! I was drunk and stupid!

Rachel: Well hello (points to herself)!

Monica: What about all the guys that you’ve got the phone numbers from? Why don’t you just kiss one of them?

Rachel: I could, I could but I don’t want to! I want to kiss Joey!

Monica: Alright (shrugs). I think it’s a big mistake but it’s your decision.

Rachel: (pause) I’m gonna do it.

Monica: And I can’t stop you.

Rachel: No.

(Rachel goes look for Joey. She sees him and Charlie kissing passionately.)

Ross: (to Rachel) Hey Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere?

(Rachel just stands there staring at Joey and Charlie in silence. After a while, Ross turns around and sees them.)

Ross: I’m smarter than him!

Closing credits

[Scene: The theater. Monica, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the first line]

Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.

Chandler: Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you.

Monica: Oh, you’re so wonderful.

Bitter woman: Why don’t you like me! Chapter one: my first period.

Chandler: Can’t believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death (runs away).

Read Full Post »

Teleplay: Mark Kunerth
Story: Dana Klein
Directed by: Terry Hughes
Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa

[Scene: Rachel and Joey’s apartment]

Joey: (talking to a pineapple in his hand) God, you’re beautiful…why are we fighting this?You know you want it to happen as much as I do.

(Rachel comes out of her room and starts staring at him unseen)

Joey: I want you.I need you.Let me make love to you.

Rachel: I don’t wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less.

Joey: Oh, ehm…I’m…I’m rehearsing my lines.They gave me a big romantic story on Days Of Our Lives. It’s the first time my character’s got one. I’m so nervous, you know, I really want it to be good!

Rachel: Woow!I haven’t seen you this worked up since you did that dog food commercial and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog!

Joey: Yeah, that was a disappointment…(pause) Oh, hey!D’you want to come down to the set and tell me if I’m doing ok?

Rachel: (excited) Are you serious?

Joey: Yeah!Hey, you just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again.

Rachel: Hey, that was an honest mistake!

Joey: Right!(he starts to ape her)”Oh my God, is this the men’s room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor?” (he inclines his head as if to look at a man’s private parts)

Rachel: Yeah, that was an awesome day!

Opening credits

[Scene: Central Perk]

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hi!

Monica: So, do you guys wanna come and eat dinner at the restaurant sometime in the next few weeks?

Phoebe: Sure!

Ross: I’d love to!

Monica: Well you can’t! We’re booked solid for the next month!

Phoebe: Well, I can’t give you a massage, because my licence has been revoked again!

Ross: Phoebe, what happened?

Phoebe: Well, it was an accident…You know, it’s a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips!

(Chandler enters)

Chandler: (To Monica) Have I got a surprise for you? Pack your bags!

Phoebe: Oh no!You guys aren’t supposed to get divorced for 7 years!

Chandler: What? No, I’m taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont (shows them a brochure)!

Phoebe: Oh, good!Ok, good for you!Try to recapture the magic!

Chandler: So, what do you say? Can you get out of work?

Monica: Oh, honey!I can’t. I was just telling these guys that things are crazy at the restaurant!

Chandler: Are you really that busy?

Monica: Yeah, I’m sorry. I really am.

Chandler: Oh, that’s ok.I’ll just try and reschedule. (on the phone) “Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to change it (pause) Oh, what do you mean it’s not refundable? Can I just come some other time? (pause) Oh, can’t you make an exception?”

Monica: Tell them I’m a chef in a big New York restaurant!

Phoebe: And tell them that in 2 weeks I will once again be a masseuse in good standing!

Chandler: (on the phone) “Look, this is ridiculous! I’m not paying for that room! Ok?” (pause) “Oh, thank you very much!” (hangs up) Yeah, I’m going to Vermont…

Ross: Oh, don’t worry about it! Just use your travel insurance.

Chandler: I don’t have travel insurance.

Ross: Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge!

Monica: Why don’t you take Ross?

Ross: Uh, don’t you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn…

Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!

Ross: (browsing the brochure) I guess…It still seems a little…(enthusiastically) moonlight boat ride!!

[Scene: Days of Our Lives’ Studios]

Rachel: Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity?

Joey: I don’t know, but one of the extras sure did! (pause) Hey, listen Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes!

Rachel: Oh, please!Honey, just the fact that you want me here to support you, I’m…OH MY GOD!Is that Christian Sanders?He’s so gorgeous!

Joey: Also so gay!

Rachel: Oh, in my head he’s done some pretty “not-gay-stuff”!

Joey: Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa did some definitely gay stuff!

Director: Joey, Joey! We’re ready for you!

Joey: Oh, wish me luck!

Rachel: Ok, not that you need it but good…GOD!Is that Chase Lassiter?He’s straight, right?

Joey: Rach, I gotta say…if you weren’t here wondering if these guys were gay I don’t know if I could do this!

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry, you’re right.I’m sorry, good luck! (they hug)

Director: On a bell please! Quietly.. and ACTION!

(the scene starts.Joey enters and there’s a girl wearing a wedding dress near a bed)

Actress/Olivia: Drake! What are you doing in here?

Joey/Drake: Stopping you from marrying the wrong man and making the biggest mistake of your life.

Actress/Olivia: Get out!

Joey/Drake: You don’t love him!

Actress/Olivia: What do you know about love?

Joey/Drake: I know what I felt that night when we kissed under the bridge.

Actress/Olivia: That kiss never happened.

Joey/Drake: Oh, what about this one.

(the actress slaps him)

Rachel: (watching a television where the scene is shown, startled) OH!

Actress/Olivia: No, I told you…get out!

Joey/Drake: Fine. I’ll go. But let me ask you one question…

Chase Lassiter: (talking to Rachel) You look familiar, have we…

Rachel: SSSHHHHTTT!!He’s asking her a question!!

Joey/Drake: Can you really live the rest of your life never knowing what we could have been?

Actress/Olivia: I don’t have a choice…

Joey/Drake: Yes, you do.Yes…you do. I’m the one who doesn’t have a choice because I…because I can’t stop loving you.

Actress/Olivia: Don’t say that…

Joey/Drake: Tell me to stop, just…tell me to stop. (he’s about to kiss her)

Director: CUT!

Rachel: NO! (pause) Or, cut!You know, that’s your call!

[Scene: Monica’s restaurant]

1st Customer: Everything was delicious!

Monica: Thank you!

2nd Customer: It was. The duck in particular was superb.

Monica: Thank you!(she looks at the 3rd customer waiting for a compliment) You haven’t said anything…

3rd Customer: Actually I do have one small complaint.

Monica: Oh..please!I-I welcome criticism.

3rd Customer: The musician right outside the restaurant…it’s kind of a mood-killer!

Monica: What musician?

[Scene: Outside the restaurant]

Phoebe: (playing guitar and singing) And there’s a country called Argentinaaaa, it’s a place I’ve never seeeeen. But I’m told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Olè!

Monica: What are you doing here!

Phoebe: Well, you said that you had customers lined up in the street, so I am here to entertain!

Monica: Great!

Phoebe: Yeah! It really has been great too, you know, some of this people must have seen me play before because they were requesting a bunch of my songs! Yeah, “You suck” and “shut up and go home”.

Monica: Listen Phoebe…

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: You know how much I love listening to your music, you know, but…

Phoebe: But what?

Monica: This is kind of a classy place.

Phoebe: (pause) Ok, say no more.

[Time lapse: Phoebe in front of restaurant again]

Phoebe: (with a fancy dress, still playing and singing): It wasn’t just that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbage! Everyone! It wasn’t just that she was fat the woman smelled like garbaaaaaage! (to Monica, showing her dress) Classy, uh?

(Monica covers her face with her hands)

[Scene: hall of the romantic inn in Vermont]

Chandler: Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a reservation.

Receptionist: Welcome to the Chestnut Inn Mr. Bing, so where are you joining from?

Chandler: New York.

Ross: (in a strange voice and eating candies) The big apple!

Chandler: I’m sorry, he’s a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here.

Ross: Yeah, I ate all my gifts for everybody.

Receptionist: I am sorry Mr. Bing, there’s no record of your reservation in the computer.

Chandler: Well, that’s impossible, can you check again, please?

Ross: (high pitched voice) Check again please!

Receptionist: I’m sorry, it’s not here.

Ross: Not there.

Chandler: Let me get this straight. I called yesterday trying to cancel my reservation and I was told it was not refundable, then we drove six hours all the way up here and now you tell me that we don’t have a reservation?

Receptionist: I don’t know what to say.

Ross: (mumbling) She doesn’t know what to say!

Chandler: Just give us the cheapest room you have.

Receptionist: Unfortunatly the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite, the rate is six hundred dollars.

Chandler: That’s insane!

Ross: Totally insane. Dude, let’s drive home, we’ll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back and if…if they’re closed maybe we’ll tap a tree and make some ourselves.

Chandler: Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? (pause) We’ll take it.

Receptionist: Great.

Chandler: (aside, to Ross) What!? They are totally ripping us off!

Ross: Dude, don’t worry ’bout it! I know how we can make your money back! This is a nice hotel, you know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those! Like those apples. Instead of taking one, I’m… I take six!

Chandler: Great, at a hundred dollars an apple, we’re there!

Ross: C’mon, you get the idea, ow-ow-ow we’ll make our money back in no time!

Chandler: Dude, you’re shaking!

Ross: I think it’s the sugar, could you hold the apple?

[Scene: Joey’s apartment]

Rachel: Hi!

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Joey, I gotta tell ya, I’ve been thinking all day about that scene you did, I mean, you were amazing!

Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and… and my co-star’s good but they’re not as good as me!

Rachel: God, you have to tell me what happens tomorrow!

Joey: Ow, I’m just going over the script now! You wanna read lines with me?

Rachel: Me? Oh, no, I am not an actress.

Joey: Oh, all right, I can ask Monica.

Rachel: Oh screw her, that part is mine!

Joey: Right… (pause) ok, so just from the top of the page, right here.

Rachel: Okay. (pause).(acting) Hello Drake, I’m surprised to see you here.

Joey/Drake: I can’t believe you married him.

Rachel/actress: But what choice did I have. He was keeping my sister in a dungeon!

Joey/Drake: So what about us? Everything we feel for each other.

Rachel/actress: It’s over! You have to accept that.

Joey/Drake: How can I? Knowing I’ll never hold you in my arms again, or touch your skin, or feel your lips, knowing I’ll never make love to you? How can I accept that… I can never kiss you again when it’s all I can do not to kiss you right now.

Rachel: (pause) Kiss me.

Joey: What?

Rachel: Kiss me.

Joey: Ah, Rach, it doesn’t say that!

Rachel: No, I’m saying…

Joey: but, but..

Rachel: just… don’t talk… (she kisses him)

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom]

Rachel: (waking up) Ehhh, aw! (pause). Well, that’s new!

[Scene: Hotel’s room]

Ross: (on the phone) Hi, this is Ross Geller in suite 206. It seems you forgot a couple of things. Could you have some complimentary toiletries sent up to my room? (pause) Thank you! Ok. Toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash, deodorant, dental floss, band aids, shaving cream, after shave… and I feel like I am forgetting something… Is there anything else you have that I haven’t asked for already? (pause) Yeah, go ahead, send up some tampons.

(Chandler enters the room)

Ross: What did you get?

Chandler: USA Today

Ross: Nice, put it with the others.

Chandler: And I also got… two more apples.

Ross: We are four short of a bush-o (pause). God I feel so alive, I love being in the country!

Chandler: I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant.

Ross: Oh, that’s not cool.

Chandlers: Dude, none of this is cool.

Ross: No, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking what the hotel owes you. For example: hair drier, no, no, no, but shampoo and conditioners, yes, yes, yes. (pause) Now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but the salt (he opens the salt shaker and pours the salt into his hand) I wish I’d thought this through.

Chandler: I think I know what you mean though…the lamp is the hotel’s, but the bulbs (goes to take the bulb)…oh, you already got that.

Ross: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.

Chandler: Ok, how about this (picks up the remote control)?

Ross: No, no, no, you can’t take the remote control!

Chandler: Yes, but the batteries…

(Ross claps his hands)

Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much!

Ross: Let’s celebrate with some maple candy!

Chandler: No!

Ross: At least tell me where you hid it.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the sofa]

Rachel: Can I ask you a question?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: Have you ever had any weird romantic dreams?

Monica: Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese, and on our wedding night I ate his head.

Rachel: Ok, well this is like that…in no way. I had a…I had a dream last night that I wanted to kiss Joey.

Monica: Wow, do you mean like kiss him-kiss him?

Rachel: Oh yeah! I mean, that was pretty intense.

Monica: What do you think brought than on?

Rachel: I don’t know! I mean, maybe that’s something to do with the fact that I saw him do a love scene yesterday.

Monica: A love scene? With who?

Rachel: Olivia.

Monica: Olivia? I thought she was marrying Connor! (pause) Oh right, real life more important.

Rachel: So do you think that my dream means anything?

Monica: I don’t know. I mean, you saw him do a love scene, so maybe you don’t have a thing for Joey, maybe you have a thing for Drake.

Rachel: Ah! Well it was Joey reading Drake’s lines in the dream…

Monica: Of course it was! Trust me, when it comes to psychology I know what I’m talking about. I took two psych classes in college.

Rachel: You took the same class twice.

Monica: It was hard!

(Phoebe comes in)

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel and Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Here, Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at the restaurant (she dons a top hat) uh, huh wait! (she raises a pair of spectacles to her eyes) Right? I mean, this might even class up the ballad of the uncircumcised man.

Monica: Oh…Phoebe? Maybe I wasn’t clear before. I really love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is sort of an upscale place.

Phoebe: Right, yeah, ok, I’ll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault.

Monica: Phoebe, it’s not what you wear. It’s sort of your songs… I just don’t think you should play at the restaurant anymore.

Phoebe: Oh, ok. Fine, I’ll just, I’ll take the hat back (she puts the hat in a bag and she crushes it angrily on the floor with her foot).

(silence)

Rachel: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work…

Phoebe: My songs aren’t good enough for your restaurant?

Rachel: Ok, we’re still on that.

Monica: I didn’t say your songs were not good enough.

Phoebe: Then what’s wrong with them? Would they not go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?

Monica: Tiny portions?

Phoebe: Yeah well, “excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but (peering through her spectacles) I can’t see it, I can’t see it”!

Monica: Phoebe, it’s not about quantity.

Phoebe: Well…it’s not about quality.

Monica: Oh really, you want to talk about quality? Have you heard of a key? It’s what some people sing in.

Phoebe: Well at least all my songs don’t taste like garlic. Yeah, there are other ingredients Monica.

Monica: Ok, so that’s what we’re doing. You know, when I’m in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I’m wearing ear plugs.

Phoebe: Ear plugs, or cloves of garlic?

Monica: You know what? I take back what I said before. You keep playing at the restaurant, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales are going up like crazy.

Phoebe: What are people having, the garlic Martini?

[Scene: Hotel’s reception]

Receptionist: Here’s your copy of the bill, we hope you enjoyed your stay.

Chandler: Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps.

(the receptions is puzzled. She goes in the back.)

Chandler: Oh, I didn’t factor in the room tax.

Ross: Oh dude, don’t worry about it, I found an unattended maid’s car. We’re way ahead of the game.

(they make as if to go, but Ross notices something)

Ross: Oh my god.

Chandler: What?

Ross: There’s something new in the bowl.

Chandler: Look, we have enough, just walk away.

Ross: No, but I want…I want the pinecones!

Chandler: There’s a forest right outside.

Ross: It’s not the same.

Chandler: Ok, go quick!

(Ross starts stuffing pinecones in the suitcase. As the receptionist walks in, Chandler makes a bird’s verse and Ross stops)

Ross: (to the receptionist) Thank you for a delightful stay.

(he picks up the suitcase, which falls open, revealing all the stuff they have taken from the hotel. The receptionist just looks at them.)

Ross: Oh, my maple candy!

[Scene: In front of Monica’s restaurant. Phoebe is playing]

Phoebe: (singing) Food here at ‘Javu’..will kill you..the food here at ‘Javu’ …will kill you..

(Monica comes out)

Monica: Thank god, it’s just you! I thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against the wall.

Phoebe: You’d better get back in that kitchen Monica, the garlic is not gonna overuse itself.

Monica: Ok, you have to stop playing now.

Phoebe: Why? The only person my playing is bothering is you!

Monica: Oh yeah? Ok, let’s settle this, come on!

Phoebe: (while Monica drags her in the restaurant) Get your garlic-peelers off me!

Monica: (to the restuarant customers) Excuse me, excuse me, hi, I’m Monica Geller..I’m the head chef here.. (pauses as if waiting for something).. Ok, I was actually expecting a little applause there, but whatever! Ok, quick question: by a show of hands, how many of you were bothered by this woman’s singing outside? (a few people raise their hands)

Phoebe: Ok, ok, how many of you enjoyed the music outside? (a few people raise their hands) Ha!

Monica: Alright, let me ask you this question: How many of you thought the music was fine, but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? (a few raise their hands again).

Phoebe: Ok, well, who identified the tone of this restaurant as pretentious comma garlicky?

Monica: Ok who thinks the food is delicious and a little pretention never hurt anyone? (a few raise their hands)

Phoebe: Ok, well, alright, who thinks the food is fine, the music was fine, but your evening was ruined by this incessant poll taking? (all raise their hands).

Monica: Excuse us! (then to Phoebe) Alright here’s a question: Who was so worried about her restaurant being fancy that she made a big deal about her friend playing her music and feels really bad about it now? (raises her hand)

Phoebe: Oh…Who was so stupid and stubborn that she lashed out against her friend’s cooking which she actually thinks is pretty great! (raises her hand)

Monica: I’m sorry…

Phoebe: I’m sorry too… (they hug)

Monica: ooohh… hey! Wanna stick around and I’ll whip you up some dinner?

Phoebe: Yeah! As long as it’s free! Food here is ridiculously over-p…

(Monica seems to take it amiss)

Phoebe: (smiling, raising her hand) Who’s hoping the hand raising thing is still cute enough that you won’t hate me?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel walks in]

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head?

Joey: (Touches the back of his head and licks his fingers) Oh man! I thought I got it all!

Rachel: (looks puzzled) How…how…?

Joey: I was making a peanut butter smoothy, right?

Rachel: uh-huh

Joey: And I couldn’t find this little plastic thing (holds up plastic thing) that goes on top of the blender…and I thought…well… how important can that be, right…? Turns out very!

Rachel: (to herself) Wow…definitely just Drake…

Joey: What?

Rachel: What…how is it going with Drake?

Joey: Oh…I don’t think it’s going very well…

Rachel: What…that scene I saw was so good!

Joey: Well, I’m feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow…

Rachel: Joey, is this that thing that you do when you say you’re bad so I’ll give you a compliment?

Joey: A little. Yeah no, I really am worried, you know, I mean I have to make it convincing that I’m in love with Olivia.

Rachel: So?

Joey: So…I’ve never played that!

Rachel: Ooh! Honey, it can’t be that hard, I mean, you’ve been in love before?

Joey: Uh…well…just once…with you…

Rachel: Ok…this could be a little awkward…I’m just going to blow past it… well can’t you just use that method actor thing where you use your real life memories to help you in your performance?

Joey: (looks at her for a moment) What the hell are you talking about??

Rachel: (shakes her head) Alright, alright look, just uh… just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when you’re playing the scene.

Joey: (approvingly) Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah ok, there’s this party scene coming up.. and Olivia and her husband are there and all Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can’t… And that makes me think about all those times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didn’t know so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really, it was killing me.

Rachel: (looks touched) Joey, you never..you never talked about that before…

Joey: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There’s a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia’s bedroom, and she doesn’t know he’s there – which never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn’t be there, but he just wants to look at her… you know? (In a romantic voice) And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your make-up, when I would think to myself, my God, she…is… beautiful… (Rachel looks very moved) and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could never tell you (pauses, while looking at her with sentiment) but it was worth it just to be there looking at you.

(Joey and Rachel continue to look at each other in silence for a while)

Joey: (excited) Thanks dude!!!This is GREAT!! (leaves Rachel very touched on the couch and goes into his room)

Closing credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartement, Monica is at the kitchen table writing something and Chandler enters kitchen area]

Chandler: I got you something from Vermont! (Sits down at the table)

Monica: (without looking up from what she’s doing) Besides tampons and salt? (Then looks) Ooh! My God! Maple candy! That’s so sweet of you. (Opens the box) That’s weird…it’s empty!

(Then Ross enters)

Ross: (sounds excited) Hi you guys! what’s going on, you… you guys wanna hang out…or…? (Looks around the room nervously) do you…do you guys hear a buzzing?

Read Full Post »

Teleplay: Sherry Bilsing – Graham & Ellen Plummer
Story: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Directed by: Gary Halvorson
Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Roni & Vanessa
[Scene: Central Perk – Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the sofas. Joey enters]

Joey: Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche?

Monica: Ok.

Joey: Alright!

Monica: But ehm…what is it not?

Joey: (abashed) A place to entertain my lady friends.

Monica: And what else is it not?

Joey: (even more abashed) A place to eat spaghetti.

Monica: Very good! (Gives him the keys) What do you need it for anyway?

Joey: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don’t sell tickets here in New York, so…

Rachel: Oh! So you’re driving up to Connecticut?

Joey: (hesitates for a moment)Yeah Connecticut…Not West Virginia.

Monica: Hey, maybe I’ll drive you up there! I’d like to buy some tickets myself!

Joey: Uh!

Monica: Yeah with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300 million dollars.

Chandler: Yeah, because if I was at my old job we’d say 300 million? No thank you!

Phoebe: Hey will you get me tickets too?

Rachel: Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why don’t we all pitch in 50 bucks, we’ll pool our money together and then if we win, we’ll split it!

Everyone almost simultaneously except Ross: yeah thats a great idea!

Ross: No thanks!

Phoebe: You don’t wanna win the lottery?

Ross: (in a mocking voice)Uh…sure I do, and I also wanna be King of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart.

Chandler: Still on Amelia Earhart?

Ross: The woman just vanished!

Joey: Seriously, Ross, you don’t want in on this?

Ross: No! Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I…I mean you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times.

Chandler: Yes but there’s six of us so we’d only have to get struck by lightning 7 times.

Joey: I like those odds!

Ross: Seriously you guys, I can’t believe you’re going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean that’s such a bunch of boohaki.

Chandler: (looking around at the others)I’ll ask. (To Ross) Boohaki?

Ross: Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start talking so we’re trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her.

Rachel: Yeah so get ready to hear alot of ehm…boohaki, goshdarnit and brotherpucker.

Monica: How do you know she’s gonna start talking?

Rachel: Well when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I’m saying.

Chandler: Kinda like Joey.

Joey: (who wasn’t paying attention)What’s that now?

Opening credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen]

Monica: God! Look at all these tickets! It’s so exciting! You know I haven’t won anything since the sixth grade.

Chandler: Pie eating contest?

Monica: Oh! You assume because I was heavy that’s the only way I could win something?

Chandler: No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries.

Monica: (smiling)That was a good day!

(Suddenly Ross comes running into the apartment)

Ross: (yelling to Monica)They’re towing your car, they’re towing your car!!

Monica: I’m parked in a garage on Morton!

Ross: (panting)They’re towing a car. And I am seeing…spots.

Joey: (sounding panicky)Oh my god Ross! You don’t have Emma! And Rachel you don’t have Emma! (Starts yelling) Where’s Emma? Who has Emma!?

Rachel: Joey relax! My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there!

Joey: (not yelling anymore)I was?

Racel: Yes and you talked to her…

Joey: I did?

Rachel: She dropped off a casserole?

Joey: Oh yeah! The casserole lady.

Monica: (to Ross)So, did you come by to watch us win the big bucks?

Ross: Yeah, uh… and then I figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it!

(phone starts ringing and Chandler comes running out of the bathroom)

Chandler: (hysterical)Don’t touch the phone! I’ll get it, I’ll get it, I’ll get it!! (picks up the phone)

Ross: (to Monica)Think he washed his hands?

Chandler: (into receiver)Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know?

Rachel: (to Monica)What’s going on?

Monica: Chandler is supposed to find out if he’s getting an assistent job at his ad agency. But out of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three.

Joey: Ooh! Tough odds!

Ross: (mockingly)Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery!

Joey: (smiling)Look who’s coming around!

Chandler: (still on the phone)Damnit. Alright call me when you know more.

Joey: (excited)Did you get it?

Chandler: One of the slots got filled.

Joey: (Still excited)By you!?

Chandler: Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got it.

Monica: Oh! I hate that guy! I mean come on kid! Pull up your pants!

Chandler: Yeah I know.

Rachel: Well, there’s two spots left right?

Chandler: Yeah…I mean I want this so much! I mean, I wanna get one, I want my friend Charlie to get one…Except I don’t care about Charlie.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: (excited)Hey you guys! Ok, you’re not going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight!

Monica: Hey that reminds me, I thought we could use some extra luck so I brought a wishbone home from work.

Ross: (mockingly)A psychic AND a wishbone? Guys! Give someone else a chance!

Monica: Alright, who wants to do it?

Phoebe: Oh can I? Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone. It’s really not fair either! You know, just because we don’t eat the meat doesn’t mean we don’t like to play with the carcasses!

Monica: Ok, hey Rach?

Rachel: Oh no, I’m good, I don’t wanna get that turkey smell all over my hands.

Joey: I’ll do it!! It’ll get the casserole stink off of mine.

(Phoebe and Joey both grab one side of the wishbone)

Phoebe: I hope I win!

Monica: Well, it doesn’t really matter … you’re both wishing for the same thing, right?

Joey: I can’t tell you what I’m wishing for! Else…you know…won’t come true!

Monica: Right! .. but we “know” what you’re wishing for!

Joey: Can’t really say!

Monica: I understand, but you’re wishing for what we think you’re wishing for, aren’t you?

Joey: (slightly irritated)I’m not really comfortable with these questions!

Rachel, Chandler and Monica: Please, just do it!

Phoebe: One, two, three!

(they break the wishbone)

Joey: I won, hey!

Ross: You know what, I’m sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys – just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! (rubs lamp, stops because it’s very hot) Ah!! That thing gets hot!!

Rachel: You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do win?

Ross: Uh, you’re not gonna win.

Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we’re gonna be all like “oh everybody, let’s take our helicopters up to the cape” and you’re gonna be all like “oh, I can’t guys, I’ll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai”

Ross: Ok, I’ve heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that.

Chandler: I can see the headline now: “Lottery winners’ friend filled with regret eats own arm”.

Ross: Why would I eat my own arm?

Chandler: Well you wouldn’t, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want.

Monica: You know what, Ross? I’m gonna throw in 50 bucks for you.

Ross: Why?

Monica: Because I know that you think the lottery is “boohaki” but we’re all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you’re my brother, and I want you to be a part of this.

Ross: You don’t have to do that, I’ll pay for myself. But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys – that’s so sweet! Come here (they kiss and hug)

Phoebe: Get a room!

Chandler: Ok, so now that you’re in, what are you gonna do if we win?

Ross: I don’t know, probably just invest it.

Chandler: Ooh! Calm down …

Joey: Seriously, that’s your fantasy? To invest it?

Ross: Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “invest it”? I meant “be cool and piss it all away” (Joey and Chandler pleased)

Joey: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks!

Rachel: I don’t really care about the Knicks.

Joey: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward.

Rachel: (touched) You would do that? I never get picked!

Chandler: You know, I’m not sure a sports team is the way to go.

Joey: You’re not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can’t believe you’re taking this away from me!

Chandler: You’re right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds.

Ross: (to Rachel) Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, Mommy?

(pause)

Chandler: (looks around) I’ll take this one too (to Ross) Uh … Mommy?

Ross: Oh, I’ve gotten into the habit of calling Rachel “Mommy” when we’re around Emma. Which I now realize we are not …

Rachel: I’m hoping that if she hears it enough it will be her first word.

Ross: Although if we’re gonna do that, we should probably call me “Daddy” too.

Phoebe: Oooh, I like that, “daddy” (in a sexy tone)

Ross: I … I was just talking about Rachel.

Phoebe: (still in sexy tone) Oooh, is daddy getting angry? Is daddy gonna spank me?

Ross: (tries to be sexy too) Well that depends … have you been a baaad gi .. (stops) no I can’t.

(Phone rings, Chandler picks up)

Chandler: Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? … What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright, bye. (hangs up)

Joey: Dude, I’m sorry. But hey, there’s one spot left, right?

Chandler: Well no, Charlie’s gonna get that.

Monica: Hey, don’t say that! You got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job!

Chandler: He’s the boss’s son.

Monica: Come on, lottery!! (everybody cheers)

Rachel: Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes.

Monica: Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we’ve won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? (doesn’t let them answer) Ok, how about this: we divide them into 6 groups of 40, and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Rachel: Ooh, I have another idea!

Monica: I’m sorry, idea time is over.

Phoebe: Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: What about the ones you have on the nightstand?

Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand!

Chandler: Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago.

(Rachel get suspicious)

Monica: Un, no you didn’t! You must be mistaken!

Chandler: Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand!

Monica: Chandler, sense the tone!!

(Rachel comes out of their bedroom waving tickets)

Rachel: Well, well, well, look what mommy found!!

(everyone’s shocked)

Monica: Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler.

Phoebe: Uh! The psychic also said that I would be betrayed.

Ross: I can’t believe this, I thought we were all in this together!

Monica: Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago!

Ross: 3 minutes ago!!! I don’t know why that’s important …

Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut, when did you even get those?

Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!

Joey: (to Ross) I’ll show you how.

Rachel: Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your “special” tickets win? How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends?

Monica: Please … if I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn’t get rid of you for 3 days!

Rachel: Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong?

Chandler: (to Mon) She’s right, you shouldn’t have bought tickets just for us …

Monica: Ahhh! (shocked)

Chandler: Let me finish … (to everyone else) however, it doesn’t look like I’m gonna get this job so I can’t afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from Rachel)

Monica: There’s the man I married!!

Rachel: All right, believe me.If you win the lottery, it’s the last you’re gonna hear from us!

Monica: Fine! Don’t be my friends! I’ll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I’ll pay for their plastic surgery so they’d look just like you!

Rachel: (surprised) OH! Alright, you know what? That’s it! I want my share of the tickets (picks up the bowl)!

Joey: Yeah, I want my tickets too (takes the bowl from Rachel)! And I’m buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah!

Ross: Than I want mine, too (takes the bowl from Joey)! And if I win I’m gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond.

Phoebe: Oh, you guys! We’ve got to keep all the tickets together (takes the bowl from Ross and puts it on the table)

Monica: No, no! We should divide them up (picks up the bowl) and I should get extra because we used my card to buy them!

Joey: Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This all thing was my idea! (takes the bowl from Monica)

Chandler: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!

Rachel: Ok, that’s it! Just give’em to me! I’ll split them up! (she tries to snatch the bowl from Joey’s hands but she can’t, so she pinches his nipple and she manages to take it)

Joey: (in pain) Oh!

Phoebe: (she takes the bowl from Rachel’s hands and she starts running around the room and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH!

Ross: (trying to stop her) Hey, hey!!

Phoebe: (keeping on running and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH! (she stops) Fine, I can’t take it anymore! I’m putting an end to this! (she goes out to the balcony)

Rachel: Oh, if she jumps, I get her tickets.

Joey: No, no! (they all go towards the balcony but they get jammed in the window)

Phoebe: If we are not doing it together, we’re not doing it at all! So, say goodbye to your tickets! (She holds out the bowl, and makes as to drop the tickets on the street).

Everyone: NO!!

Phoebe: Don’t come any closer!

Chandler: Can I come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished…

Phoebe: No, what’s more important, your friends or money?

Everyone but Monica: Friends!

Monica: Money! (they all look at her) Friends…

Phoebe: Hey Monica, what about your extra tickets?

Monica: They’re all in there! Even these five that I hid in my bra (takes some tickets out of her bra and gives them to Phoebe)…

Ross: Monica!

Phoebe: Ok, good! (pause) You guys were so scared! There was no way I was gonna dump this…(a pigeon swoops down, scaring Phoebe who drops the bowl on the street) Oh God, no! (pause) I think I broke your bowl.

Ross: Go, go, go!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment.]

(All are returning from the street after picking up dropped lottery tickets)

Phoebe: What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets. And the wind sure made it fun.

Monica: Phoebe, we lost half of them.

Phoebe: So, what? Monica, we have the winning ticket! My psychic said I was gonna win, remember?

Ross: Weird.. your psychic didn’t mention anything about the scary pigeon…

Phoebe: As a matter of fact she said that’s how I am going to die. (pause ) So, excuse me for being a little skittish.

Chandler: (looking at the answering machine) Hey, there’s two messages. These could be from work!

Monica: Oh, play them!

Chandler: Ok, here we go! (he pushes the play button)

Message: (Phoebe’s voice) “Hello. Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise” (they all turns to look at Phoebe) “I sh.. I shouldn’t have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady’s hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo.”

(they all keep staring at Phoebe)

Phoebe: Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do.

Second message: “Hey Chandler, it’s Charlie”

Chandler: This is..shhh!

Second Message: “Listen, oh… it turns I got the last spot. I’m really sorry man, it was a lot of fun working with you. Give me a call if you want.”

Monica: Oh God, I am so sorry honey…

All: Oh, so sorry man! Sorry!

Rachel: Oh, it is so unfair. It’s like that time they promoted Sandra over me at work.

Chandler: Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren?

Rachel: No, she was just much better at job than me!

Phoebe: Guys, the drawing is about to start!

Rachel: (To Ross) You know what? We should call my mum’s house and say goodnight to Emma before she goes down.

Ross: Oh yeah, it’s a good idea!

Monica: (she hugs Chandler) Honey, you’ve been really strong about this, I know how badly you wanted that job.

Chandler: Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. (pause) But… let’s go win the lottery… I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right?

Monica: (she draws out a ticket from a pocket of her pants) 131! (they kiss)

Ross: (on the phone) Goodnight sweetheart! I love you. And remember, you’re daddy’s little girl… (covering the phone, to Rachel) Phoebe’s totally ruined that for me… (he passes the receiver to Rachel)

Rachel: Hi mum, put her back on!

Joey: (sitting on the sofa in front of the tv) Rach, come on! They are announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing.

TV: “Here we are, the official Powerball numbers! We have 53”

Chandler: I got that!

Ross: Oh, we have one too!!

Monica: We are on a roll, people!!

Ross: (calling Rachel) Come on!!

Rachel: (on the phone) Mum, please!I know you love your new lips, but I can barely understand you! Would you, please, just let me say goodnight to my daughter?

TV: “And number 29! Here we go! The Powerball is 7”

Monica: Check your numbers! Make me rich!

Rachel: (she goes towards the others and she’s very excited) Guys, you’re not gonna believe this! I was just saying goodnight to Emma and she said her first words!!

All: Wow!

Joey: And what did she say?

Rachel: She said “gleba”!! (she celebrates)

(they just look at her for a moment; then they go back to checking the tickets)

Monica: Make me rich!!

Rachel: (to Ross) Isn’t that amazing?

Ross: Oh yeah, no no no…that’s great!

Rachel: Why-why aren’t you more excited?

Ross: Oh, Rach…oh…”gleba” is not a word.

Rachel: Oh, but of course it is!

Ross: Okay, what does it mean?

Rachel: I don’t know all the words.

Ross: I’m just, I’m just glad I didn’t miss my daughter’s first words (goes back to checking the tickets).

Ross: Yes you did, gleba is a word!

Ross: Ok, use it in a sentence.

Rachel: Ok… “Emma just said gleba”!

Ross: It’s not a word!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, fine, I’m gonna look it up (she goes and picks up the dictionary).

Ross: Oh, oh, ok, great. You know what, while you’re at it she said another word the other day, why don’t you, why don’t you look up: pbbqqt….

(Rachel glares at him)

Rachel: (searching the dictionary) Alright, okay, okay, gleba, gleba… (excited) Gleba! Ha! Here it is: the fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi.

(Rachel shows Ross the definition on the dictionary, giving him a smug look; then she squints at the dictionary, as though unsure what to make out of it)

Ross: She’s gonna be a scientist! (kisses Rachel on the head, very moved)

Joey: (checking the last ticket) Damnit! anybody got anything?

Chandler: No.

Phoebe: I’m still looking through mine…

Monica: Just double checking (does so)…no, no, no…(takes off a shoe and takes a ticket out of it) No!

(phone rings)

Monica: (answering phone) Hello? Hold on. It’s your boss.

Chandler: Ah, the “I’m sorry I rejected you” phone call. I’m not used to getting it from guys. (on the phone, getting up from the sofa) Hey, Steve.

Steve: Chandler, hi! I’m sure you’ve heard we filled the three positions. We just felt that with your maturity and experience, you wouldn’t be happy being someone’s assistant.

Chandler: Oh no no no no, I’d love to be somebody’s assistant! Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And I’m not too mature… farts, boobies, butt cracks!

Steve: Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program. We’re offering you the position of junior copywriter.

Chandler: Me, that guy who just said butt cracks?

Steve: Yes, that’s right. We’re excited about the level of sophistication you’ll be bringing to the job.

Chandler: Ok well, thanks, you won’t regret it. I’ll see you tomorrow (hangs up).

(he idly goes to the sofa, starts browsing a magazine. Everybody stares at him)

Chandler: What? (pause) Oh, yeah, I’m gonna be a junior copywriter.

Everybody: (excited) Oh my God, congratulations!

Monica: Oh sweetie, I’m so proud of you!

Chandler: Does that mean I get the good loving tonight?

Monica: You bet! No TV or anything! (she gets up from the sofa and goes to the kitchen area)

Joey: (to Chandler) Hey, that is so great about the job.

Chandler: Thanks, man.

Joey: And I like to think I had a little something to do with it.

Chandler: Really? What?

Joey: Well, before, with the wishbone… I didn’t wish we would win the lottery, I wished you’d get the job.

Chandler: (smiling, surprised) Oh yeah? (looks towards the kitchen, worried) Listen, don’t tell Monica, she’ll rip your heart right out.

Joey: Oh yeah.

Rachel: You know what? There is a little part of me that really thought we were gonna win.

Ross: Me too. So much for my dinosaur/Amelia Earhart theme park.

Phoebe: You guys, what was the Powerball number again?

Monica and Ross: Seven.

Phoebe: We won.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: We won!

Monica: Let me see!

(they all jump up excitedly and try to see the ticket)

Phoebe: Don’t tear it.

Ross: Phoebe, you don’t have any of the first five numbers.

Phoebe: I know that, but look, we’ve got the Powerball number, we’ve won 3 dollars!

Chandler: Wow, you’d think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout.

Phoebe: (still very excited) I don’t care, I’ve never won anything before, I can’t believe this!

Rachel: So Pheebs, what are you going to do with your $3?

Phoebe: It’s not all mine. We all get 50 cents.

Monica: You know what? You can have mine.

Chandler: Me too.

Joey: Me too.

Rachel: Me too.

(they all look at Ross)

Ross: I guess if everybody else is…

Closing credits

[Scene: Central Perk. They’re all sitting there as usual, except Joey. Gunther is serving a nearby table.]

(Joey comes in from the back of the coffee house)

Joey: (sitting in a chair) Hey guys, so I just called the Powerball hotline, can you believe it? Nobody won.

Phoebe: I beg to differ (shows him her cup of coffee and her plate of cookies).

Gunther: Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier, and he found the ticket on the street, right outside, and won $10,000 (goes to the counter).

(They all glare evilly at Phoebe)

Phoebe: (hides her mouth behind the cup and speaks in the “pigeon voice” from before) Coo, again. Don’t blame the pretty lady. It was not her fault. It was me, the pigeon, coo! (pause) Seriously, stop staring at her.

(Joey stares around dumbly looking for the “talking pigeon”)

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